Archive of Our Own

sometimes seunghan felt guilty for not wanting to go to practice. there were thousands, if not millions, of people that wanted to be in his place. if he slacked off he wouldn’t doubt sm’s ability to replace him, but that didn’t make it any easier. sometimes that fact alone was the only motivation he had to get out of bed. 

seunghan pushed through tons of grueling practices with little breaks, alongside his members for months. it was nothing new, however, his mental state was starting to get worse. 

sohee was surprised seunghan hadn’t bothered him the whole day. at first, it was a relief, but now he was worried about seunghan. he purposely waited for him to film their after practice vlog. seunghan shyly played with sohee’s hair while filming. 

shotaro also seemed to notice something was off when seunghan didn’t speak on the way home. he brushed it off as tiredness but shared worried glances with sungchan who just shrugged, not sure what was the matter. things would be better tomorrow, right? 

the next day of practice was worse than the first. the choreographers were harder on the members who had center parts, namely seunghan, sungchan, and wonbin. after being worn down the choreographers left them to practice on their own. there was about an hour left and seunghan didn’t think he’d be able to stand up again. he had collapsed to the ground after their last run through. the other members pushed themselves up but he couldn’t bring himself to move. 

eunseok pushed him with his foot, “come on.” 

seunghan whined in protest. he didn’t mean to. he didn’t want to look like he didn’t care, but he suddenly felt incapable of forming words.  

“what’s wrong with you?” wonbin laughed holding out a hand to help seunghan up. 

instead, seunghan reached up with both arms looking for wonbin to pick him up under the armpits as you would a child. 

“dude, stop it,” wonbin scoffed, “it’s not funny. we need to finish practice.” 

seunghan got up eventually with some difficulty. when they started dancing it was hard for him to remember what steps were next. luckily his muscle memory had started to cover for him but it didn’t mean the others didn’t notice. 

“this is supposed to be perfect before we leave, not sloppy,” shotaro announced, deleting the video they just took from the ipad, “you know who you are. do it properly and then we can go home.” 

seunghan bit his lip, he’d never wanted to cry more than right now. he felt like the members would just make fun of him if he did. he swallowed trying to keep the lump in his throat down. as they danced he couldn’t hold back the tears. they blurred his vision but luckily he was able to dance properly. he wiped his face when they were done, hoping it could be excused as sweat in his eyes. 

the other members noticed but it had gotten so intense eunseok decided they should just go home. seunghan got ready for bed quickly, going to his room and crying. he felt stupid but he missed home. he missed his friends and his family. what if he couldn’t do this? the world around him felt dark and there was no one he felt like reaching out to. they’d just be upset with him. he curled in on himself and willed himself to fall asleep hoping he wouldn’t wake up. 

surprisingly the pain in his chest subsided at some point and he felt cozy, snuggling into his bed. he didn’t usually sleep with his plushies but he held onto one and fell asleep. 

in the morning seunghan felt stupid. why was he acting so weird? he didn’t have time for breakfast and was starving halfway through their schedule. he stood off to the side of the others, trying to control his nausea. shotaro noticed him holding his side. 

“seunghanie,” his tone was unsure. 

“m’fine hyung,” seunghan assured, “just forgot breakfast.” 

“ah right,” shotaro didn’t think that was it but he didn’t want to pry. 

after their regular schedule they had a review dance session. seunghan managed to get through it, but as they were waiting for the okay to head home he fell asleep on the couch. he wasn’t out all the way so he could still hear the member’s voices. 

“ready?” sungchan asked the others but seunghan couldn’t move. 

“shh,” eunseok shushed. 

“he’s really asleep,” anton replied, sitting on the couch near him. 

“i’m worried about him,” sohee spoke up first, “he’s not acting normal.” 

“we’re all stressed,” wonbin offered. 

“no, sohee’s right,” anton agreed. 

“do we let him sleep?” shotaro asked. 

“i’m not sure,” sungchan replied, “i don’t know what to do. i always thought i’d be able to handle issues if they came up. i can’t blame him for feeling bad, but we all do.” 

“he’s usually low maintenance,” eunseok observed, “it would be strange if he suddenly changed.” 

“you don’t think he’d hide an injury, right?” sungchan asked. 

“i don’t think so, he was so worried about my neck,” shotaro recalled. 

the others made noises of agreement. 

seunghan stirred finally, finding the strength to move his limbs. 

“hey, we’re heading back,” anton told him. 

seunghan pouted, blinking sleepily. sungchan thought he looked really cute. 

“aegi,” sungchan cooed, “let’s go,” there was a slight hint of annoyance in his tone. 

seunghan rubbed his eyes with his fist like a kid. his pout deepened and he just sat there, blinking slowly at sungchan. 

“are you high or something?” wonbin waved his hand in front of seunghan’s face. 

“seunghan is sleepy,” seunghan mumbled, snuggling into anton. 

shotaro shot sungchan a look. seunghan didn’t even act like this back when he was the maknae. did he just talk in third person? he usually didn’t use aegyo. not in a situation like this. 

“seunghan,” sungchan said and the boy didn’t respond, “aegi,” sungchan said firmer. 

seunghan shook his head, burying his face in between anton’s arm and torso. 

everyone was sharing strange glances, trying to figure out what was happening. shotaro remembered the issue from practice the other day and tapped sungchan’s shoulder quickly. 

“what if he’s like jisungie?” shotaro suggested. 

sungchan’s eyes widened, “wouldn’t he have told us?” 

“it could be scary,” shotaro shrugged. 

“um, clue us in?” anton laughed from where seunghan was buried in his embrace. 

“jisung is a little,” sungchan explained, “taro and i babysat him before.” 

“a what?” sohee asked. 

“based on certain triggers you start acting like a kid again. it’s a trauma or stress-induced response,” shotaro explained. 

“oh, i know this,” eunseok smiled, but then it fell, “but doesn’t he need a caregiver?” 

“that would be our responsibility,” sungchan offered, “he probably doesn’t have anyone.” 

“right,” eunseok agreed. 

“should we ask him?” wonbin suggested. 

“yeah just ask a baby if they know why they’re engaged in a trauma response,” shotaro replied. 

“sorry,” wonbin put his hands up in defense. 

sungchan shrugged kneeling down next to anton, “honey, can you tell us how old you’re feeling?” 

“three?” seunghan mumbled. 

“see he knows,” sungchan said. 

“baba?” seunghan asked, turning away from anton to look at sungchan. 

“oh me?” sungchan laughed, “do you- want me to be?” 

seunghan nodded. 

“okay,” sungchan breathed deeply, it was his last moment of being not bonded with a little for the foreseeable future. 

seunghan rubbed his eyes again, yawning. 

“we have to go home so you can get to bed little one,” sungchan stroked seunghan’s cheek softly. 

he just made a gurgling sound and sungchan wondered if he lied about being three. he seemed very young. 

“can you walk?” wonbin asked. 

seunghan shook his head. anton tried helping him up anyway. he just slumped against anton and the couch. 

eunseok went to pick him up but complained of back pain, “i don’t think i can.” 

sungchan sighed, “come here,” he lifted seunghan from the couch and the younger wrapped his legs around sungchan’s waist immediately. he hung on surprisingly well. 

he fell asleep on sungchan in the car but luckily sungchan was able to get him back to the dorm safely. their manager looked at them strangely but sungchan brushed it off. weirder things could happen. 

eunseok helped seunghan remove his shoes when they got inside. sungchan tried putting seunghan to sleep but he couldn’t get him to let go. he had a strong grip even in his sleep. sungchan gave up, sleeping on top of the sheets with their clothes on. seunghan woke him up in the middle of the night fussing. 

“seunghanie?” the elder sat up.

the little seemed to be crying in his sleep. sungchan was worried about him having bad dreams so he shook him awake. 

“sungchan-hyung?” seunghan slurred, rubbing his eyes and looking around. 

“how did i get here?” seunghan worried aloud, “what time is it?” he reached for sungchan’s phone by the bedside. 

“hey-“ sungchan stopped him, “you’re safe.” 

“i know just- what the hell happened?” 

“you slipped, during practice,” sungchan explained. 

“oh fuck, did i hit my head?” seunghan laughed incredulously. 

“no?” sungchan was confused. 

“well, don’t worry. i feel fine,” seunghan was checking himself for injuries. 

“seunghan,” sungchan stopped him, “you don’t have to pretend. we all saw it. you don’t have to hide anymore.” 

“hide what hyung? what are you talking about?” seunghan looked scared, seemingly unaware that he slipped. 

“seunghan, you slipped into little space in front of everyone. you asked me to be your caregiver,” sungchan wasn’t getting what seunghan was missing. 

“i- what?” seunghan asked, “what’s little space?” 

sungchan realized then that seunghan had never slipped before. that was certainly different. with dream, jisung had told them he wanted to explore being a little and things progressed from there. 

sungchan explained the events to him and seunghan thought back to the night he’d cried himself to sleep. 

“it would make sense why you like all those cute toys,” sungchan told him, “that’s why i thought you knew already and were scared to tell us.” 

“i already came out as bi. i’m not scared of you guys,” seunghan laughed, “i definitely would have told you if i was going to start acting like a baby all of a sudden.” 

“it’s okay,” sungchan smiled, “you were really cute if that counts for anything.” 

his heart had swelled when seunghan had called him baba, making grabby hands for him. 

“oh,” seunghan said softly, “still tired,” he yawned. 

“it’s four in the morning. rest.” sungchan tucked seunghan’s head under his chin and they both fell back to sleep. 

seunghan doesn’t remember closing his eyes but he woke up still in sungchan’s bed, cuddled up to him. he brushed a few stray hairs away from sungchan’s eyes and rolled over to check the time, grabbing sungchan’s phone. they had a few minutes before they needed to be up so he scrolled through the phone that was discarded on the table. 

out of curiosity because they didn’t have secrets, he looked into sungchan’s texts. 

eunseokie-hyung: 

s: what do you think of seunghan acting weird today? 

e: well i wanted to ask you about that... 

s: me?

e: yeah, i thought you would know more about it because of jisung. 

s: you think seunghan is a little too? and he’s hiding from us?

e: it’s possible, right? it would explain the all fixations and the mood swings. i won’t say anything until he’s ready to tell us tho...

s: okay same here then 💕 i just hope he’s comfortable enough to tell us and he hasn’t been avoiding telling us for some reason 😖

e: i’m sure he’s just trying to figure it out on his own first, we’ll be there for him though when he needs it

s: you’re right, thanks 

seunghan closed the messages quickly, putting sungchan’s phone back. seunghan acted like he hadn’t seen anything. there was no point in bringing it up if it wasn’t true. they’d figure out soon enough that he was normal… just moody and get over it. right? 

sungchan wondered what he should do. if he started watching seunghan closer, he’d think he was prying. he didn’t want to confront him about it either, scared of scaring seunghan away from understanding it.

–

seunghan looked lost. eunseok spotted it from miles away. he fumbled with things in the kitchen, avoided eye-contact with everyone, and sat alone. eunseok wondered if seunghan missed shohei. they didn’t talk about it much, throwing themselves into work with riize instead. 

seunghan accidentally met eyes with eunseok and cleared his throat, “i know we have a day off, but i haven’t found much time to practice. i’m going to the studio for a bit.” 

they couldn't really argue with him so they nodded their heads. sungchan figured he wanted some space after yesterday, but he also worried. they shouldn’t let a little go places alone. sungchan had to remind himself that seunghan’s clearly been okay taking care of himself for years. he’s got a grip on it- as far as they know. 

seunghan grabbed his bag and ducked out before anyone could ask to go with him. when he got to the studio he looked at his face in the mirror and barely recognized himself. he warmed up before turning on music and letting himself fall into the steady rhythm of beats and motion. they’re always preparing for a comeback, but this one is important for seunghan. he can’t let the fans know there’s anything wrong. 

he actually felt good when he was done practicing, going to his bag for his towel. when he went to toss the towel back in he noticed something. a small giraffe pacifier. was this in his bag this whole time? he picked it up thinking he’ll come home and return it to whoever it belonged to. probably jisung. seunghan froze for a moment though. what if…? it could hurt anything, right? no one knew that he’d found it. 

seunghan breathed out slowly before slotting the toy between his lips. it felt foreign. maybe he shouldn’t do this. he wasn’t meant to be a little. he was an adult and needed to act like one seunghan told himself before he took the toy from his mouth and wiped it off. he shoved it in his bag and tried to forget about it. there was no use in pretending. if he wanted attention he knew he could just ask. the group was still his family at the end of the day. 

he went home sweaty and saw how concerned shotaro looked when he saw him, “something wrong hani?” he asked, after seunghan tossed his bag down. 

“no, well, i don’t know.”

“how are you feeling? after the other day. i’m sorry about that.” shotaro stumbled a little over his apology. 

“taro, it’s fine. i’m feeling okay. i really just needed to sleep and practice. don’t worry about me.” 

“he worries anyway,” eunseok laughed gently, rubbing shotaro’s shoulders, “relax, seunghanie is perfectly capable of taking care of himself.” 

shotaro’s brain never relaxed. they should know that. 

seunghan was actually doing good. he had showered that evening and spent the rest of the night with wonbin and anton. sohee came in to play games with them too. seunghan brushed away his thoughts from earlier. he didn’t need to be a little. he was perfectly fine here. yelling over spilled popcorn and fighting over second place. he just had a few hiccups this past week. he’d work them out. 

a few months had passed and they were already promoting their comeback. seunghan was happy to interact with fans again. it really boosted his spirits. they were back on track. no strange rumors or anything. he didn’t complain anymore when people left him with more than one responsibility, running off to a busy schedule. he was having fun. 

however, someone was still after him. seunghan got wind of it one day after a music show, he overheard wonbin complaining to sohee that their haters wouldn’t leave them alone. sungchan said it was only because they were a new group and everything would blow over soon. seunghan gnawed on the end of one of his nails. he was doing fine. he shouldn’t have a problem. 

he never gave the pacifier back. he figured none of them would ever find it, not wanting to go through his dirty gym bag (although the pacifier was kept in a separate pocket). 

seunghan thought about it more as he became more stressed. what if he tried to slip? last time all he had to do was get really stressed. that was easy with everything going on right now. they had practice that night. as expected it proved to be difficult. wonbin, sungchan, and anton were exhausted and no one had the energy to keep them from slacking off. 

after seunghan showered he opened the pocket of his bag, clutching the pacifier to his chest. no one would have to see him. he’d just stay in his room, the one he had to himself now. he changed into his softest pajamas and although it felt weird he let himself curl up into the fetal position as he wanted to so many times, but didn’t allow himself to. he took the pacifier in between his lips and it wasn’t long before he was slipping into a deep comfortable sleep. 

when he woke up, however, he didn’t expect eunseok in his bed. he freaked out, sitting up too quickly and waking eunseok up. 

“hey, calm down!” eunseok grabbed his flailing arms. 

“it’s not what you think,” seunghan said immediately. 

“hanie, i think it’s exactly what it looks like. it’s okay,” eunseok said gently, picking up the discarded pacifier, “why don’t we wash this off and give it back to jisungie. i’ll get you your own, alright?” 

seunghan squirmed under eunseok’s soft gaze, “don’t look at me like that.” 

“i borrowed it,” eunseok admitted, “i put it in your bag to see if you’d take the bait.” 

seunghan looked guilty. 

eunseok sighed, “how long have you known?” 

“seok- i promise, it’s nothing,” seunghan still tried arguing. 

“it’s not nothing hani, you know that,” eunseok’s tone was warning, “now, answer my question.” 

“i- i don’t know. a few weeks?” seunghan wasn’t sure, “but i’ve always wondered why i’m so bad at taking care of others.”

“first of all, you’re not bad at taking care of us, at all. and secondly it’s okay as long as you let me help you.” eunseok rubbed his thumbs against seunghan’s hands. 

“fine,” seunghan grumbled, “just please don’t tell anyone else.” 

“for now. eventually we have to tell them, okay?” eunseok kissed one of his hands. 

seunghan nodded. 

…

seunghan was at the company late one night when most of the members had gone home after their group practice. he had to talk with the managers about the rumors. he woke up the next morning knowing he’d have to tell the others about his hiatus. 

it was almost a week later and seunghan had started going to practice again. even if he wasn’t going to be included in the end of the year performances he didn’t want to stop improving. sungchan noticed he was down lately and when they had an event the fans were sad too. he scrolled through concerned comments on twitter blaming the company for seunghan’s hiatus and the mistreatment. sungchan snorted, if they only knew.

he didn’t mean to eavesdrop but he heard eunseok and seunghan’s hushed voices one night in the bathroom and got curious. 

seunghan was sniffling, “don’t. please don’t tell them.” 

“aegi, it’s better for all of us if we do,” eunseok warned but his voice was still soft. 

sungchan knew they were close but he didn’t realize they were on terms like this. 

“i’ll be okay soon,” seunghan was getting frustrated. 

“i know you’re hiding how much it hurts and it’s not just about that. i know you want to slip. it’s okay,” eunseok cupped seunghan’s cheek, thumbing away the tears that had gathered in a mixture of frustration and emotional pain, “let me take care of you.”

slip ? sungchan felt a wave of anxiety wash over him. 

“i can’t tell them. you guys need me to fix all this. plus, i could still get kicked out,” seunghan’s voice cracked around another sob. 

eunseok sighed, “there has to be someone who knows what to do though okay? we’ll figure this out.” 

sungchan almost couldn’t bear the sounds of them crying, wanting to intervene but knowing he’d already heard too much. 

“c’mere.” eunseok held seunghan to his chest, “i love you.” 

they had a performance a few days later and to say eunseok was concerned was an understatement. seunghan brushed everything off saying he was fine. he kept himself together well too until they were all backstage walking through the large building back to their dressing room after the performance. he greeted them with a smile. 

the members tended to clump up and separate quickly depending on how fast they were walking or lagging so eunseok didn’t notice seunghan lagging at first. 

he stumbled into eunseok, wrapping himself around eunseok’s arm as if it was a life line, “eunseok- '' he said breath catching in his throat. 

“hyung-“ eunseok couldn’t read what was happening, trying to support him. 

“oh gosh,” anton worried, “hyung, what’s wrong?” 

“he looks like he’s going to pass out,” shotaro was suddenly on eunseok’s other side. 

“here,” wonbin handed eunseok a water bottle as they moved over to the nearest wall to see if they could keep seunghan on his feet. he was clearly out of it already. 

sadly, this was a commonality. idols passed out a lot, but usually not when they hadn’t even performed. sungchan told the others who hadn’t been helping to go back to the room and wait for them to avoid crowding seunghan. 

“shotaro, can you go find a medic?” sungchan asked and shotaro nodded, quickly leaving. 

eunseok tried calming seunghan down as his breathing had become shallow and quick, on the verge of hyperventilating. if sungchan noticed that eunseok was using the voice he used with his nephews he didn’t say anything. 

“breath in deep. out slowly,” eunseok carded his fingers through seunghan’s cropped hair. 

seunghan started blinking slowly as his breathing became more even. wonbin tipped the water bottle for him, letting him take small sips. 

shotaro wasn’t sure what to tell the medic, “i think he’s having a panic attack.” 

the medic nodded. they were able to bring him to the room they had for medical support. wonbin and shotaro were told to go back to the group. the stress wouldn’t be good for them. the two that stayed were sungchan because he was acting as the leader in the situation and eunseok because seunghan wouldn’t stop clinging to him even though he was laying down now. 

seunghan didn’t speak at all, eunseok filled in the gaps for the medic and he just said seunghan would have to stay at the dorm instead of coming to their future performances. one of their managers had tried to come in when the medic left, but sungchan stopped him, telling him they needed a moment to talk to each other first. 

seunghan was sitting at the edge of the bed now, swinging his feet. sungchan gave eunseok a look that screamed ‘please explain what’s going on right now’. 

eunseok steadied himself, “seunghan just slipped.” he informed sungchan. 

“and since when did that happen?” sungchan questioned.

he didn’t look mad but maybe disappointed seunghan hadn’t come clean earlier. 

“it’s something he’s not really comfortable talking about but this is the first time i’ve really seen it since that day,” eunseok explained. 

seunghan seemed content in his own world, mostly staring up at eunseok and chewing on his fingers. eunseok wished the situation didn’t have to be serious right now so he could enjoy seunghan’s first moments as a little. he owed sungchan the explanation though. after telling him all that he knew about seunghan and his headspace, sungchan seemed satisfied with the answer and approached seunghan. 

sungchan by far was the best with kids and eunseok had faith that they’d figure out how seunghan reacted to things fairly quickly. he wore most of his emotions on his sleeve, contrary to the fact he recently had been hiding things from them. 

“hi baby,” sungchan’s demeanor had instantly flipped upon looking at how wide seunghan’s eyes had gone. 

eunseok’s heart felt like it might explode, he’d never thought seunghan could be this cute. 

“hani” sungchan got his attention, “can you tell me how old you feel?” 

seunghan smiled a toothy grin and held up two fingers. eunseok literally had to clutch a hand over his heart. 

“can eunseokie carry you back to our room, princess?” 

eunseok was confused by the feminine nickname, but seunghan seemed to like it, giggling shyly and nodding. there were some things sungchan could pick up on that eunseok could never understand how. in his opinion it just made things even cuter. would seunghan like the color pink and wear skirts like jisung sometimes did? eunseok wasn’t sure his heart could take this. 

eunseok reached out for seunghan and it took them a second for both of them to be comfortable. seunghan was definitely not as little as his nephews. eunseok knew he’d get the hang of it though. he’d get the hang of anything if it meant he could help seunghan feel better. 

seunghan was little for the next few days, preferring to be around eunseok, sungchan, and shotaro. no one was surprised at his choice of caregivers, the oldest members. so far he’d been around ages three to six and was quite energetic. anton was often telling him to be quiet when sohee was napping. luckily he warmed up to all the caregivers quicker than they expected. 

eunseok made sure to thank the dreamies for all their advice. jisung was elated to have his pacifier back and a new friend to chew on mostly. everything and everybody jisung saw went into his mouth at some point. 

after a few days seunghan was back in his normal head space and super embarrassed. he hid in his room for many hours, but eunseok finally coaxed him out with food. the members treaded lightly on talking about it for the first few weeks. there were still a lot of bumps when it came to getting used to everything. 

seunghan felt like everyone’s eyes would be on him the next time he slipped, but either way he felt better getting his emotions out.

he dressed in his favorite oversized, pink t-shirt, stolen from sungchan, and immediately sought out eunseok, snuggling up to his side.

“hi, baby,” eunseok was surprised, but noticed the pink immediately and began to take care of him. 

they decided he should use a system of colors to tell his caregivers how little he was feeling. 

“want some strawberries?” eunseok held seunghan’s hand leading him into the kitchen. 

seunghan nodded, he would be shy today, eunseok reminded himself. 

he was shy for the rest of the week, only slipping completely around eunseok, and littler than eunseok expected. jisung and mark visited later that day and it only forced seunghan to regress further, jealous of some of eunseok’s attention being taken away. 

after their playdate seunghan fell asleep in sungchan’s arms while he was watching tv. 

“eunseok,” sungchan whisper-shouted, getting the elder’s attention. he looked up from his phone. 

“can you make him a bottle?” sungchan asked.

eunseok sighed, he just sat down not that long ago. 

“pretty please,” sungchan batted his eyelashes for extra effect. 

eunseok chuckled, “yeah, yeah, anything for my beautiful babies,” he kissed sungchan’s forehead and then pecked seunghan’s cheek. 

the younger snuggled into sungchan’s shoulder further, his cheeks puffing out with each suck of his pacifier. sungchan stroked a finger over his warm cheek. 

after the recent events seunghan had been slipping into baby space more often. luckily eunseok’s mom was super supportive and was helping provide them with supplies. eunseok made the milk the way seunghan liked it, having warmed the bottle beforehand. 

he headed back over to the couch handing the bottle to sungchan. 

“he looks so peaceful, i almost don’t want to wake him,” sungchan pouted. 

eunseok smiled, “he’s so precious like this. it’s crazy that this is our energetic seunghanie,” eunseok agreed. 

“if i don’t wake him now he won’t sleep through the night,” sungchan sighed, “and he seems hungry.” 

sungchan had realized it was easy to tell when seunghan was hungry because he would suck his pacifier strongly. it made his cheeks puff out cutely and a crease form between his brows. 

eunseok gently ran his fingers through seunghan’s hair and down his back. sungchan cooed as seunghan woke up, immediately rubbing his eyes and letting out a small noise of distress. his pacifier fell out and eunseok picked it up so it didn’t get dirty. 

“shh, baba’s here,” sungchan shushed.

“and papa,” eunseok added, flicking sungchan’s ear. 

“hungry?” sungchan asked, holding the bottle to seunghan’s lips. 

he latched onto it immediately, trying to hold it himself. sungchan left a finger there as support. seunghan drank most of the bottle before pulling away. 

“all done?” eunseok asked. 

seunghan handed him the bottle, sitting upright in sungchan’s lap to be burped. eunseok found it so cute. when sungchan was done patting the littles back he noticed some spills on his shirt. 

“seok, can you get him a new shirt?”

“is it okay if i change your shirt?” eunseok asked seunghan even though he had to do it anyway. 

seunghan nodded shyly. eunseok carried him to his room, handing him a small toy so he could be preoccupied. he slipped off the dirty shirt. 

“lift your arms, hun,” eunseok instructed. 

he slipped on the new one before seunghan put his arms down. 

“go show baba you’re clean,” eunseok suggested, patting seunghan’s butt. 

seunghan ran quickly to the living room, but sungchan wasn’t there anymore. 

“baba?” seunghan called out, a crease already forming between his brows. 

he let out a noise of distress, looking for sungchan around the corner. he turned back to look for eunseok. the room behind him was empty too, finding himself alone.

seunghan started to panic. where did his caregivers go? did they go somewhere to play without him? did they have work? he suddenly began to cry, fearing the worst. they must have gotten tired of him and abandoned him. 

seunghan sniffled when felt a gentle hand on his back. 

“hey, what’s the matter bub?” wonbin was behind him now.

“can’t find papa and baba,” seunghan’s lip trembled. 

“it’s okay bun, we’ll find them together, okay?” wonbin lifted seunghan from the floor. 

it took some effort to get seunghan propped up on his hip but he made it work. 

“are they in here?” wonbin peered into the spare bedroom they used for storing extra clothes and workout equipment. 

“no,” seunghan pouted. 

“hmm maybe over here?” wonbin opened the door to shotaro’s room, “say hi to taro-hyung.” 

“nooo,” seunghan whined. 

“don’t be rude baby,” shotaro complained. 

seunghan stuck his tongue out at shotaro and wonbin laughed. after checking all the rooms wonbin took him to the laundry room. eunseok was there, finishing loading the clothes. 

“papa!” seunghan cheered, moving around excitedly in wonbin’s hold. 

“where’s channie?” eunseok asked wonbin. 

he shrugged, “dunno.” 

“can you play with him for a bit?” eunseok asked. 

“sure,” wonbin smiled, “want to play cars?”

seunghan nodded. wonbin took him back to his room, laying him down on the rug so he could run his toy cars around. wonbin sat with his back against the bed, texting idly as seunghan played. 

“hyung watch,” seunghan urged, flipping one of the plastic cars over. 

“wow,” wonbin said, not looking up from his phone.

seunghan was cute, but wonbin wasn’t good with kids. his caretaking battery didn’t last very long. he texted sungchan “ come get this baby off my floor ”. 

once seunghan learned wonbin wasn’t paying attention to him he started to run the cars over wonbin’s legs. 

“stop please,” wonbin put out a his hand. 

“but hyunggg,” seunghan complained rolling over on his back, “you said you’d play with me.” 

“i said you could play,” wonbin corrected him, “i’m texting someone right now.” 

“that’s boring!” seunghan complained, stretching out on the floor. 

“well, i’m a grown up,” wonbin replied, “we do boring stuff.” 

“i’m grown up too,” seunghan narrowed his eyes at wonbin. 

“uhuh, if you’re so grown up then you shouldn’t be ticklish,” wonbin set his phone down. 

seunghan’s eyes widened as wonbin’s fingers tickled him, pressing into his sides. seunghan let out a high pitched laugh. wonbin’s hands made their way to his underarms and seunghan squealed. 

“stop!” seunghan giggled. 

“mm, no. what are you supposed to say?” wonbin asked. 

“please!” seunghan shouted and wonbin relented, sitting back against the bed. 

seunghan caught his breath and wonbin smirked to himself, satisfied. maybe he was okay with kids. 

…

“i’ve got to go to the company today,” wonbin announced, “i need to record some guitar samples.”

“binnie go bye-bye?” seunghan’s panicked little voice met wonbin’s ears. 

wonbin looked over to see eunseok holding seunghan’s hand and seunghan looking between the two males with wide concerned eyes. 

oh no.

he wasn’t around seunghan this morning when he woke up, he had no idea he was little. 

“when?” wonbin mouthed to eunseok. 

he shrugged and looked at the little. 

“hanie, papa and binnie need to know how old you’re feeling and when you slipped.” 

“four, when i woke up a few minutes ago needed papa’s help to find binnie,” he smiled shyly, burying his face against eunseok again. 

wonbin was annoyed, he really needed to go to the studio and record guitar samples. he knew if seunghan woke up by himself he’d know wonbin went to work and play with the other members until he got home. he was always fine anytime that happened, but if seunghan saw one of them before they went to work he’d have a meltdown when they left home. they’d often get a call from one of the other members and have to talk seunghan down from his temper tantrum over the phone. 

“would you be okay staying home with papa while i go play guitar? i’ll come home right away.” wonbin asked, crouching down to where seunghan was now sitting and holding onto eunseok’s leg. 

seunghan looked up at eunseok and then to wonbin again, he let go of eunseok’s leg, moving forward until he was burying his face in wonbin’s neck and hugging him. wonbin’s heart hurt. their baby was so cute. he wished he could just take him with him. there was an idea. the company was fully supportive of their needs since they’d found out about jisung being a little years ago, so they should be okay with him bringing seunghan by. 

“do you want to come to work with me?” wonbin asked. 

“get to listen to binnie play guitar?” seunghan questioned, pulling away from the hug. 

wonbin nodded. 

“can i please?” seunghan asked eunseok who nodded at wonbin.

“okay, hurry and get dressed,” wonbin said and eunseok followed seunghan into the bedroom to get him dressed. 

wonbin swears that man was a saint when it came to taking care of seunghan. 

seunghan was dressed in a few minutes. eunseok had even put in cute pink hair clips in for him. wonbin had gotten seunghan a water bottle and a snack in the meantime putting them in a bag. he was already regretting his decision, but hopefully, seunghan would be well behaved. 

“okay, let’s go bun,” wonbin held his hand out for seunghan and he thanked eunseok before they left. 

the ride over to the studio wasn’t bad. seunghan just looked out the window and pointed at things, exclaiming what he was seeing excitedly. 

“kitty!” he pointed, “binnie look there’s a kitty. i want a kitty,” he pouted. 

wonbin wanted to tell him he had a cat back at his parent’s home, but mentioning seunghan’s real parents was off limits while he was in little space. 

“you’ll see one on the next break,” wonbin compromised. 

“really?” seunghan looked at him with wide eyes. it wasn’t a good idea to bring up pets when seunghan was little. he would cry until he could play with one. 

wonbin didn’t have a hard time setting up his things. he sat down to play, putting a pair of headphones over seunghan’s ears to help with the noise. he could be sensitive to loud noises. wonbin told seunghan they were so he could hear him better, reality was the opposite, but seunghan bought it. he was happy to feel important “helping” wonbin at work. 

seunghan sat on the floor. he liked listening to wonbin play the guitar. especially the electric one. wonbin got caught up in working and seunghan was starting to get bored when wonbin would scribble down lengthy notes to send back to the producers. 

seunghan eventually decided it was time to do something else. he pushed one of the buttons on the floor. the first time wonbin asked him nicely to leave the controls alone, but seunghan thought it was a game, turning the knobs when wonbin wasn’t looking. wonbin stopped playing and scolded him, telling him if he couldn’t sit still he’d get sungchan to come pick him up. 

seunghan was just as annoyed as wonbin. when wonbin went back to writing notes seunghan crawled over to the door on his knees and pushed on the door but it was locked, he tried to remember how it opened. he took his headphones off, the chord began to tug. the sound of the guitar suddenly became super loud and he got overwhelmed putting a hand over his ear and quickly turning the lock in a panic. he slipped out of the room where it was much quieter. the hallway was long and dark, however, seunghan saw a light at the end of it. he ran towards the light and realized it was a door that went outside. seunghan pushed the door open and inhaled deeply, the air here was nice and fresh. 

a butterfly flew in front of seunghan and he followed it watching it float around. he didn’t pay attention to what part of the building he’d walked out of and he didn’t notice when his shoes came off the grass and crossed onto the pavement. the butterfly started flying faster and seunghan chased it, beginning to run a bit. he turned a corner and then another, and possibly another. suddenly he lost sight of the butterfly. 

someone bumped into his shoulder. he looked around to see he was in the middle of a busy street. turning around to look for wonbin he realized he was supposed to be in the studio. 

wonbin looked up from his work sighing. he’d completely forgotten that he’d brought seunghan since he’d been so quiet. it wasn’t until he reached into his bag to pull out his phone to text sungchan and his hand closed around a bag of animal crackers that he realized seunghan had come with him. 

he looked around the floor for his dark hair decorated in pink clips, “seunghan?” 

ugh. he must have hidden somewhere. wonbin opened the cabinet behind him but it was empty. 

“baby?” 

wonbin felt panick rising in his chest when he heard no response. after confirming seunghan wasn’t in the room he burst into the hallway. 

“seunghanie?“ he called down the hallway. he saw no one. he jogged along the hallway looking into the windows of the practice rooms. they were all dark, locked, or occupied by trainees getting dance lessons or singing alone. 

fuck . where could he have gone? wonbin checked the bathroom, empty . the cafeteria, nope . he nervously pulled out his phone and called eunseok. 

“hi wonbin!” eunseok’s cheery voice met his ear, “how’s it going?” 

“um,” wonbin felt his voice quiver. 

“what’s wrong?” eunseok knew immediately, fuck . 

“i- i’ll call you back hyung,” wonbin was on the verge of tears, he couldn’t bring himself to say he’d lost seunghan.

“wonbin, what happened?” eunseok asked, “wonbin?” 

he hung up. 

he swears he locked the door just in case of a situation like this- when did he even remove the headphones? wonbin took a shaky breath and wiped his sweating palms on his jeans. god, how was he so stupid? 

he looked back over the rooms again and then noticed the door at the end of the hallway was slightly ajar. he went to close it to save the air conditioning from going out of the building when he noticed something on the ground just outside the door. he slipped outside the building and kneeled down. it was one of seunghan’s hair clips. 

“fuck,” wonbin swore, feeling his hand trembling as he closed his fist over the clip. 

if seunghan was wandering around outside little they could be found out. they could lose their jobs. or worse he could be kidnapped. a car drove by. he could be killed… wonbin felt his chest constrict. a tear slipped over his cheek and he wiped it away with a trembling hand. 

“seunghan-ah?” he called shakily. 

wonbin’s mouth went dry. he reached for his phone again. 

“wonbin?” sungchan answered. 

wonbin made a soft sob at hearing his hyung’s voice. 

“wonbin? are you crying? oh my gosh, are you okay?” sungchan panicked.

“no, hyung…” wonbin felt dumb standing in the middle of the street sobbing. 

“where are you? did something happen?” sungchan questioned.

“the company. i- i can’t find seunghan,” wonbin bit his trembling lip and closed his eyes.

“what do you mean? isn’t he at home?” sungchan asked confusedly.

“no,” wonbin took a deep breath, “i didn’t want to deal with his meltdown because he woke up early today, so i brought him with me. everything was fine but then- all of a sudden he was gone.” 

“you checked the building?” sungchan asked, collecting himself

“yeah, he um- i think he went outside,” wonbin’s voice was barely coming out of his throat.

sungchan knew wonbin meant the doors that went out to the main road and not the doors that led into the company. 

“fuck,” sungchan didn’t usually swear. 

“hyung what do i do?“ wonbin put his palm over his mouth crying into it. 

“we’ll find him. everyone else here isn’t busy. we’ll come to you. he couldn’t have gone far, alright?” 

the members showed up less than ten minutes later. wonbin was a mess. shotaro silently offered him tissues and he buried his face in them. the members calmed him down for a minute, rubbing his arms and back before they set out down the street. 

seunghan was lost. he had no idea which end of the street he’d come from. he forgot what his hyungs said to do if he got lost. did they even tell him what to do? they were always together. seunghan wasn’t allowed to go outside alone especially when he was little. he wasn’t thinking of that though. 

seunghan looked around carefully as he was walking, everything around him looking big and scary. he jumped when a car passed him. he clutched his arms across his chest. eventually a woman stopped in front of him. 

“are you alright young man?” she asked. 

seunghan was startled at her speaking to him. he remembered eunseok telling him strangers were dangerous, but how else was he supposed to find wonbin? 

“i’m lost,” he said softly, trying to pitch down his voice from where it rose to in his headspace. 

“could i call someone for you?” she asked.

seunghan nodded. thank god, he’d call wonbin and tell him where he was. the woman guided him over to a bench. he sat down and kicked his legs nervously. it occurred to him then that he couldn’t really remember wonbin’s phone number. 

“what’s the number?”

“um-” seunghan’s fingers hesitated over the screen. he couldn’t recognize all the numbers on the keypad anymore. 

he suddenly remembered sohee’s number and told the woman. 

“ this phone number is protected, it is only to be used by authorized sm entertainment employees. if you believe you should have access to this number, please call- “ the woman looked at him confusedly. 

“are you an idol?” she hung up the call. 

seunghan nodded slowly. he was supposed to lie about these things. 

“from sm?” 

he nodded again. 

“that’s only two blocks away, how come you don’t know your way around?” she laughed, “i’ll walk you.” 

seunghan shrugged. 

“are you from that new group, riize?” 

seunghan looked at the ground. 

“ah, i see,” she smiled, “you can’t say for safety.” 

seunghan nodded again. 

“that’s okay,” she started off and seunghan felt worry gnawing at his gut. what if she was lying. what if she didn’t take him back? 

he timidly followed, keeping a small distance. 

“it must be hard,” she spoke up, “living behind a mask all the time.” 

seunghan didn’t reply. he was glad she seemed sympathetic. it helped him trust her. they turned a corner and the street looked more familiar. seunghan saw people up ahead and got nervous until he made out the shape of the shoulders- it was wonbin- he suddenly broke into a sprint and ran to his caregivers arms. he thrust himself against wonbin’s chest. 

wonbin’s arms instinctively wrapped around their little, but it took him a second to realize that it wasn’t one of the other members. he put his hand in seunghan’s hair and held him close. 

“oh thank god,” he breathed, the other members were gathering around and putting a hand on seunghan, checking him over to make sure he wasn’t hurt. 

the woman approached slowly, “are you guys from riize?” she asked softly. 

sungchan emerged from the group and addressed her, “yes, but we have to return to our company. i’m sorry we can’t interact with people outside.” 

“oh, no worries. i just wanted to make sure he was okay-“ 

“wait did you find seunghan?” he asked. 

“yeah, he was over a few blocks. he looked lost so i asked who i could call, but the call redirected to sm. i work across the street here so i figured i would walk him back.” 

“thank you so much. i don’t know how to repay you,” sungchan bowed. 

“no worries. i will keep your secret as well. seunghan is very cute,” she smiled watching how he, sohee, wonbin, and anton melted into one another, eunseok held his hand tightly, and shotaro was standing defensively in front of them. 

sungchan thanked her again and the woman crossed the street to her building. the members returned home, wonbin never letting go of seunghan the whole time. 

“baby, what happened?” wonbin asked through his tears, happy this time. 

“i got bored. it was loud so i ran and then i saw a butterfly,” seunghan’s eyes lit up. 

“but baby you know we don’t go outside without someone right?” wonbin brushed a thumb along his cheek. 

“i know,” seunghan looked down, guilty. 

“i was so worried about you,” wonbin felt a fresh load of tears pushing at his eyes. 

“binnie don’t be sad. makes seunghanie sad too,” seunghan wrapped his arms around wonbin. 

“they’re happy tears, love,” wonbin wiped his cheek. 

that night wonbin cuddled seunghan a bit closer. he didn’t know what he would do if something actually happened to him.

after that day anton and sohee started asking how they could help more. they didn’t realize that seunghan was so dependent on the other members now. when sohee found out his number was the only one that seunghan remembered, his heart ached. he needed to be there for him.

things were just different now. when seunghan was big, not in little space, he was still the same fun-loving hyung who went out of his way to tease sohee. it was a hefty adjustment to process. one minute seunghan was obsessed with him and borderline flirting and the next he was chewing on eunseok’s hands with no thoughts in his mind. sohee was trying to find the balance. staying away from seunghan when he was little was his first solution, but now he realized how much he must have been burdening his hyungs. 

“is he…?” the words died on sohee’s tongue as he sat down on the floor next to the couch. 

he poked seunghan’s cheek as he slept. eunseok nodded and sohee went to grab a blanket to cover seunghan’s legs. 

“you don’t have to,” eunseok told him, tucking the blanket behind seunghan’s knees. 

“i want to,” sohee smiled. 

eunseok hoped this was a step in the right direction. he worried about the maknaes pulling away. they missed seunghan being part of the team more than anyone, but they weren’t taking it well. sohee stayed in his room a lot lately and eunseok was happy to see him.

“i need to shower, but i don’t want him to wake up alone,” eunseok voiced. 

“it’s okay hyung, i’ll stay,” sohee assured him. 

eunseok hoped seunghan wouldn’t freak out if he woke up while he was gone. he wanted to shower quickly, however, once the hot water hit his back he felt lethargic. when he was done with his shower routine he put on some water to boil and checked the living room. 

thankfully seunghan was still asleep. this time sohee was cuddled up next to him, their cheeks smushed together and hair splayed out on the pillow. eunseok smiled, making his tea and turning off the light. 

he finally got the feeling since debut that they were going to be okay.

anton hadn’t felt particularly okay with the situation either. he reacted similarly to wonbin the first time he’d been around seunghan when he was little. he felt that eunseok and sungchan could deal with their baby. he was supposed to be the maknae. he didn’t need to baby one of his hyungs. sometimes the way sungchan talked to seunghan made anton cringe. he wanted to barf at all the baby talk until one day when mark and jaemin came over with jisung.

the dream hyungs had been their saving grace when they needed someone to look after seunghan while the group was out at schedules. jisung was also super well-behaved and loved sharing his toys with seunghan, often teaching him how to play with new ones. the dorm was rather empty on a tuesday but jaemin had already arranged a playdate for the two littles. anton found that he and shotaro were the only ones home with seunghan after he ran into the two in the kitchen. seunghan was giving shotaro a hard time with his lunch.

“anton, thank god you’re here,” shotaro clung onto him like a lifeline, “can you see if you can get him to eat? you’re good with kids, right?” 

anton was the eldest in his family. he did his part in raising his younger siblings, but for the most part he didn’t have to do much of the hard work. his parents were well off and they always had help around the house.

“i’ll try hyung,” anton chuckled nervously. 

he sat down at the table next to seunghan, picking up the peanut butter and jelly sandwich square that lay untouched. 

“don’t you want to eat your food so you can play with jisung later?” anton asked. 

seunghan sealed his lips, making a face at anton. 

“i don’t think he likes me hyung,” anton told shotaro. 

shotaro laughed, “he’ll warm up to you, i’m sure.” 

“what about the airplane?” anton suggested. 

seunghan tipped his head in confusion, “air- airplane?” he tried saying although it came out a bit slurred. 

seunghan’s lisp was barely there normally, but it got more pronounced the younger he was. anton thought it was crazy how many things changed when he was little. 

anton swirled the sandwich around in the air making a buzzing sound, “oh! it needs somewhere to land! quick!” he tapped seunghan’s lips. 

surprisingly seunghan obliged, opening his mouth. he looked a bit betrayed when he started to chew, realizing what anton had just done. anton was laughing in disbelief that the trick actually worked. 

“taro-hyung,” he wheezed, “you seriously hadn’t tried that yet? it’s the epitome of ‘how to get a baby to eat’.”

shotaro flicked the back of anton’s head.

as soon as seunghan had finished his lunch, mark, jaemin, and jisung came over. the rest of the hyungs were still busy so that left anton and shotaro to stay with seunghan.

mark and shotaro became engrossed in a conversation, catching up on each other’s lives and talking about new choreography. anton nervously sat on the couch near the littles, who preferred to play on the floor, making light conversation with jaemin. mostly asking him questions about jisung. 

“do you ever find it weird?” anton questioned.

jaemin immediately knew what anton was asking about. he could sense his nervousness from a mile away. 

“not really,” jaemin shrugged, pulling some of jisung’s bangs into a small ponytail on top of his head, “i would do anything to make sure he gets to have the childhood he deserved to have. plus, i do everything for him anyway. even when he’s big he can’t do his laundry or cook a meal. i would be doing it anyway and he’s really cute.” 

anton hummed in response. he couldn’t lie, jisung’s big round eyes and puffy cheeks did make him quite adorable. in his eyes, seunghan was different. he was clingy, but fairly independent when he was big. anton struggled to find it cute when he acted like this, until today. right now seunghan was playing mostly by himself, cradling a penguin plushie shotaro gave him. he bought it when they went to everland, claiming that if seunghan bought him an otter plush he had to have the penguin.

jisung had gotten curious and snatched the plushie from seunghan, asking him excitedly what animal it was. distressed, the little tugged on shotaro’s pant leg from where he was sitting on the floor and anton noticed jisung now running around the kitchen with seunghan’s plushie. mark had intercepted the little telling him to stop running indoors and made him give the plushie back. anton wished jaemin would pay a little more attention to jisung, just because he was older than seunghan didn’t mean he needed less supervision. 

the rest of the day went fairly smooth.

“this is for hani,” jisung pressed a piece of paper to seunghan’s chest. 

seunghan held it up and looked at it with wide eyes. it was a drawing of two boys holding hands, presumably the two of them. seunghan smiled brightly, bouncing a little as he held it up for anton to see too. 

“and what do you say when people give us nice things?” anton nudged seunghan. 

“thank you so much sungie!” seunghan handed the picture to shotaro before wrapping his arms around the other little. 

mark sat with the two of them as they sang songs. he was tired, but the sound of their little voices singing whatever came on the radio was extremely cute. 

“antonie?” seunghan tugged on anton’s sleeve, “can i sleep with sungie tonight?”

shotaro had just finished getting seunghan ready for bed, he was going to tuck him in and try to get him to fall asleep without eunseok and sungchan so they could just come home and go to bed.

“of course sweetheart, did you ask jaemin-hyung for permission?”

seunghan nodded, anton walked him over to his and sungchan’s room. seunghan thanked him sweetly and climbed into bed next to jisung who handed him his hamster plushie, claiming it looked like him. while the two littles settled down watching an episode of sealook, jaemin talked to shotaro, making sure he was able to handle the two of them through the night. 

“i think this is a good step. he’s really attached to eunseok these days,” shotaro smiled.

“i heard about what happened this morning,” jaemin laughed. 

“i’m glad anton stepped up today, he’s been really shy about all of this,” shotaro explained. 

jaemin was sympathetic, he pulled shotaro out into the living room so they wouldn’t disturb the littles. soon the rest of the members got home. 

sungchan and eunseok stood for a moment in the hallway just looking at one another. they both looked worn out and tired. 

“eunseok-” sungchan started to speak.

“shh,” eunseok put a finger to sungchan’s lips, before replacing it with his own lips.

the kiss was very delicate and short, but to sungchan it meant everything. it meant that eunseok was on his side and always will be.

“goodnight, seok,” sungchan turned to slip into the room where the two littles were fast asleep. 

“goodnight, channie,” eunseok smiled, hoping that in the morning everything would be alright.