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Routine makes the world go round. Today, it steers your mind away from ruminating and picking apart the heavy weight stirring in your gut.
There is something wrong but you cannot place it. It licks at the bottom of your spine and forces you awake in the middle of the moonlit nights, skin shining with cold sweat. When you listen to the wind whispering between the leaves and the birds singing their melody, sunlight warm on your skin, you feel your throat tighten and muscles tense.
You go back to your routine. Divide into three. Cross the right section over the middle section. The right becomes the middle. Tighten the weave, gently and carefully. Notice the light reflecting off the sunny blonde strands. Cross the left over the middle. Repeat from the top - cross the right over the middle, tighten-
"Ow,"
Captain Hirako's voice shakes you from your thoughts.
Instinctively, you loosen your grip on his hair - braided halfway - and suck in a breath. He glances at you over his shoulders and you offer a timid smile, expecting a frown in return. It's there - his usual toothy grimace - but looks so much softer when accompanied by chocolate brown eyes staring at you through the wisps of his bangs, messy from the wind.
"I'm sorry, Hirako-san," You apologize, the tips of your ears heating up. You run your fingers through the strands of the man's hair, easing out imaginary knots. "I spaced out."
Shinji rolls his eyes, a smile ghosting over the pink of his lips. He snorts, looking ahead and leaning back into his previous comfortable position. More unconsciously than not, you relax, seeing he's as unbothered as they get.
"No shit," He muses, feet dangling over the edge of the veranda you're both sat on, enjoying the midday sun. "Yer thinkin' so loud I cannot hear any of the tune. Shame, it's one of my favorites."
You hum under your breath, plaiting the braid until there's no more hair left. You secure the end with a tie, then move the braid over Hirako's shoulder, dropping your hands in your lap. "We can replay it, if you want."
Your suggestion makes the blonde shrug, then pat the spot beside him, empty and soaked with the sun rays.
"Nah, don't bother, (name)-chan," Shinji says, giving you a look from the corner of his eye. "Come closer, will ya?"
Who are you to object your Captain? An order is an order, even if it makes your chest flutter and eyes to hurry away in abashment.
You move to sit next to him, the wood warm as you take your spot, curling your knees towards your chest. Wrapping your arms around your legs, you trust your peripherals to read Shinji's expression. Your stomach knots as you catch sight of his head tilting back, golden lashes sitting on top of prominent cheekbones, eyes closed as he soaks up the sun's warmth. It's rare that you get to see Captain Hirako like this - mellow, soft, and fully relaxed. Though seemingly unbothered most of the time, there's no such tranquility one can see painted across his features on the daily. You feel lucky you get to see it. Perhaps be the reason behind it.
The thought makes your fingers twitch against the material of your shihankusho. It's too forward, even if it's just a sheer fantasy flickering through your mind. Still, something in the back of your head, something stifled deep inside your heart, aching in your ribcage, tells you that it's not that far from the truth.
"What's goin' on?"
This time, Hirako's voice sounds serious, lower, his accent thicker. You turn to look at him, cheek pressed against your knees, gaze meeting his. You've never seen an ounce of worry behind his eyes, but this is the closest it has been.
"I can tell something is eating away at ya," Shinji speaks. "What is it?" Your eyes flicker away.
He wishes you didn't do that, fully honest with him at least once. You are fully transparent with him when it comes to your duties, but there's something holding you back from speaking your mind when it's just the two of you, in a less professional setting (as if being a part of Fifth Division with Hirako Shinji in charge was ever that serious). He won't say it out loud - not now, at least - but sometimes it's all he wants.
Just a piece of your mind, a glimpse into your heart.
"I don't know," You answer, truthfully. Judging by how Hirako's features soften, he believes you. "There's something wrong but I can't place it." You pause to collect your thoughts despite knowing you've tried countless times the past few days and came up with nothing. A sparrow flashes by, catching your attention, then brings it back to Shinji when it rests on the balustrade a few feet behind the captain, just in your line of sight.
He doesn't want to break the rule he's shared with Urahara a few years back, but your comfort is worth it. He doesn't want to show his worries, but you need reassurance, or at least that's what his instinct is screaming in his face. Care for her, it begs. Look after her.
How does this translate to you being his soldier? How does he combine this ache to love you, keep you safe from harm and all the distress in the world, with how insulting it is to receive this treatment from your Captain? He cannot. Shinji doesn't know how to bewitch reality, but he wishes otherwise.
"Is that so," He mumbles, his eyes trained on your knuckles, turning white from how tight you've gripped the hem of your kosode. His fingers itch to touch the taut skin, give you something else to dig your nails in. He ignores it for his own sake. "Sounds like a helluva burden."
You shrug, exhaling loudly. The sparrow startles away with a high pitched chirp, wings fluttering in the wind. "I guess," Your reply comes out soft.
The tip of your tongue darts out to wet the dried, delicate skin of your lips. You do it to stop yourself from saying too much, despite knowing deep down that the question would not be met with indignation. It makes sense that you caught on to the strangely tense aura resonating around the entire Seireitei and Gotei 13. It's not unusual for the captains to know things the rest of their squad doesn't - it's a natural rule that you've been accustomed to since you can remember. This time, it feels different.
You take a deep breath.
"Shinji," You mutter his name quietly, like it's indecent and shameful to regard him like this. Like it's wrong to awake the butterflies in his stomach and fill his bloodstream with honey. "Is something wrong?"
Your captain curses your sharp mind and gentle heart on the same breath, weighing his lungs down. It was silly to hope you wouldn't catch on and it's ridiculous to expect you not to look at him with all the worry in the world simmering in your eyes. Your quick-witted yet considerate, kind nature was the reason behind his demise.
It's the reason he lies to you, the words bitter on his tongue as he lifts a hand and tucks a stray piece of hair behind your ear, away from your face.
"How would I know?" Shinji's lips quirk into his usual smirk and though his words sound just as playful, this time it fails to ease your mind. "Ya think I'd hide anythin' from you, doll?"
Your heart sinks but skin turns warm where the captain's palm touches. You know he would - you'd expect him to. Caught between his position and unspoken loyalty to you, you know it's not easy. Knowing Hirako, he would let his tongue slip just for your peace of mind, but you prefer to believe otherwise. You wonder if there are things he'd deem safer not to let you in on.
Whatever it is, it came today - soaking with the warm Seireitei sun, carrying the sweet scent of blossoming sakura trees, treacly sweet like the chocolate brown of your Captain’s eyes.
Your jawline fits into Shinji's hand like it belongs here, leaning into his palm as you look at him with all the trust you devoted to him years ago, pledging alliance to his division.
"You wouldn't," You say softly, as if speaking it into existence was going to make it true. You know it doesn't and despite Shinji's lopsided smile, you can tell he has caught on.
When you wake up the following day and find the birds have ceased humming their song - the silence deafening as you learn about your Captain's disappearance - you'll come to realize they were warning you all this time instead.