Chapter Text
Minho’s precious Soonie3000, his beloved Toyota Camry passed down from his father, was destroyed. Ruined. Obliterated. On a Monday, of all days. And it was all Elon Musk’s fault.
See, if Elon Musk hadn’t invented the Tesla, and if a random Tesla hadn’t stolen his designated unit 12 apartment parking spot — which was his god-given (correction: landlord-given) spot — thus forcing him to park in unit 10’s always empty spot, and if there hadn’t been construction for a new subway station next to his building, and if the construction crane hadn’t malfunctioned and dropped a huge hunk of concrete onto unit 10’s spot where his dear baby was not-so-legally parked, then Lee Minho would still have a perfectly working car.
Instead, the last image Minho had of Soonie3000 was her being twisted in the middle like a pretzel with little crumbles of concrete as the salt. He was on the edge of a breakdown. And sure, he could sue the construction company or – more accurately – the city for this civic project gone wrong, but considering how the subway station had been under construction for the last 3 years…suing the city would probably take 10. Fuck the government. Fuck Mondays. And fuck Elon Musk. To put the cherry on top, on the next day, the Tesla that had been hogging his spot all week suddenly vanished, leaving his parking spot free for a car that no longer existed. Rest in pretzel, Soonie3000.
As a result, Minho’s week looked pretty bleak. He had to ride the bus for an hour and a half just to get to the publishing company he worked at, and even though he worked his ass off 9-5, he was never going to make enough money to buy a new car until he turned 40. Goddamn inflation. The only shining light in his cold, dark world was dinner with Changbin on Friday, or so he thought.
“You look like you’re ready to murder someone,” Changbin commented as they sat down. He had chosen a crazy expensive steak place that Minho could never dream of going to on his own dime. Thankfully, Changbin would be covering as he always did when the two of them had dinner. It was the price he had to pay as a nepo-baby.
Changbin and Minho became best friends back in college when they ended up as random roommates during their first year. It shouldn’t have worked. Minho was part of the common folk and had a biting sense of humor. Changbin was too rich for his own good and consistently hot-tempered. But they clicked in the way that two people with a flair for chaos (and homosexuality) do, and they stayed close even after graduation. Minho, with his degree in literature and love for books, was able to land a job at a publishing company. On the other hand, Changbin was set to inherit his dad’s multimillionaire hotel empire. Although the two were busy, they always found the time to try to catch up every other week.
Minho explained his car debacle to Changbin. “Honestly, if I see any Tesla drivers for the next 48 hours, I might commit murder,” Minho groaned.
Changbin raised his eyebrows. “My dad drives a Tesla.”
“You might end up a fatherless man tomorrow, Bin.”
Changbin chuckled, but his smile didn’t reach his eyes. “God I almost wish.”
Minho knew that Changbin had a tense relationship with his father. For a guy who ran a business based on hospitality, his dad held absolutely no sympathy or kindness for people whatsoever. Maybe it was a rich people thing. “Well I said it as a joke, but if you really want to,” Minho shrugged, “I’m already sufficiently bribed by the steak. And I could add hitman to my resume.”
Changbin laughed again. “Nahhhh it’s fine.” He started rubbing his hands nervously.
Minho frowned. Changbin only ever got nervous for three things: 1) Lee Felix or 2) asking for help or 3) asking for help with Lee Felix. “Why are you being so jumpy? Oh god. Before you ask Bin, I am NOT going to help you send 100 roses to Felix’s apartment again. The last time we did that, he was sneezing for weeks AND he thought he had a stalker. Please just ask him out before the police find out it was just us.”
“No! That’s not what I’m…I’m not a stalker!”
“Felix doesn’t even know who you are. And yet you somehow knew his address to send all those roses. You’re definitely a stalker.” Minho took a long sip of water to emphasize his point.
Changbin waved his hand dismissively. “Not the point. But uh, I do need your help with something.”
“Ok?”
“So. My older sister. She kind of…ran away.”
“What?” Minho nearly spat out his water. He knew that Changbin’s sister Chaeryeong was always a bit free spirited, but running away from the Seo family took guts.
“More specifically. She may have eloped…with another woman.”
“Your sister’s gay?!?!” This time, Minho really did spit out his water.
Changbin grimaced and began dabbing the wet tablecloth with his napkin. “Apparently yes. And as you can imagine my dad is going crazy right now.”
“Damn, your sister is so fucking cool,” Minho sighed, ignoring the huge wet spot on the table that was entirely his fault. “She needs to get, like, a lesbian Medal of Honor for this. If I knew she was a sister in arms I would have talked with her more! Did you never realize?”
“Uhhhh.” Chanbin scratched the back of his neck. “I do remember her getting really into Love Live when she was in high school.”
“Dude, that’s a dead give away. Your gaydar is shit.”
Changbin squinted his eyes at Minho. “Well it’s not like being able to identify a gay woman is a high priority in my life.”
“You make a point.” Minho admittedly did not know a lot about Changbin’s older sister. His family never visited Changbin when he was in college, and Minho was very against rubbing elbows with rich people in general. But his respect for Chaeryeong had certainly skyrocketed.
“I mean on one hand I’m super proud of her for basically pointing the middle finger at my dad. The look on his face when we found the letter she left behind was priceless. But on the other hand, we have a super big problem. She was supposed to go on a blind date.” Changbin began to nervously break apart the complimentary bread, getting crumbs all over his plate. “I guess the blind date was her last straw that pushed her to run away. But it puts us in a bad position. The guy she was supposed to meet is the son of another powerful family. And if they find out about my sister’s elopement before we do damage control, they might spread it to other families, and it could become a really bad scandal for us.”
“So what’s your dad gonna do?”
“My dad has decided that since I’m the future CEO [insert jazz hands], I should fix this mess myself.”
“Are you gonna dress up like your sister and take her place?” Minho asked, wiggling his eyebrows. To his horror, Changbin clamped his mouth into a tight line. “Shit, Bin…be serious. You’d look awful in women’s clothing, no offense.”
“Uh. Not me.”
Minho frowned. “So, you’re hiring an actor?”
“I can’t just hire anyone. What if they snitched? Imagine how much money news companies would pay to find out that the Seo family young lady eloped with a woman,” Changbin groaned as he put his face in his hands. “I need someone who’s already close with us and won’t spill.”
“Ok then ask a friend.”
“I don’t know if you’ve noticed Minho, but you’re kind of my only friend.”
Minho let out an awkward laugh. Changbin being sentimental was already bad enough, but he had a bad feeling on where this conversation was going. “Well it’s not like I could dress up as a girl and pretend to be your sister for this blind date.”
Crickets.
“Hello sirs, I have a medium rare sirloin and a rare ribeye,” the waiter announced. He was met with silence and two very poker faced men. “Um..I’ll just put them here, and uh, enjoy your meal?” The waiter promptly fled as soon as he put the steaks on their table, muttering something about how he didn’t get paid enough for this.
“Seo Changbin.”
Changbin let out a small squeak.
“You are not asking me to dress up as a girl and pretend to be your sister for a blind date.” Minho clenched onto his steak knife, squeezing so hard that his hand turned white.
“Let’s say, hypothetically I was,” Changbin said as he avoided eye contact. “Let’s also say, hypothetically, that I’d pay you.”
Minho perked up. “And how much money would this hypothetically be?”
Changbin looked around sneakily before pulling a pen out of his pocket. He discreetly wrote something on his napkin and pushed it towards Minho.
Minho looked at the number Changbin wrote. Holy shit. His eyes nearly popped out of their sockets. He could replace Soonie3000 with this money. Hell, he could go the extra mile and buy a Tesla! (Hey, don’t fault him for playing the game of capitalism.)
“Jesus fucking Christ,” Minho gasped.
“Is that a yes?”
“Hold on, do you seriously not know any women who could do this? There’s no way I could effectively trick someone into thinking I’m a girl,” Minho responded quickly. He had been briefly drawn in by money, but he needed to be realistic. There was no way some chaebol would take one look at him and think he was the beautiful Seo Chaeryeong.
“Dude, in case you forgot, I’m hella gay.”
“Same.”
“Do YOU know any hot women?”
Minho rolled his eyes. “Fine, you make another point.” He finally moved his steak knife to his ribeye and began to cut.
“Also, I don’t know if you noticed, but you have really feminine features.”
“What?!” Minho dropped his steak knife into the plate in shock.
Changbin, unaffected, continued cutting his sirloin. “Yeah. I’m convinced if you just put on a wig, no one would be able to tell you’re a dude. Kind of why I asked you.”
“I thought you asked me because I’m your only friend.”
“Well technically, I could have asked Seungmin, but I don’t think he’d be as convincing as you.”
“Your poor secretary. I hope that man gets paid enough for your bullshit.”
Changbin took a bite of his steak and chewed thoughtfully. “Maybe I should give him a raise. He was the one who found Felix’s address.”
“Well you’re a fucking idiot, but I’m an even bigger idiot for agreeing to your stupid idea.” Minho poked his steak with a fork. He suddenly didn’t have an appetite anymore.
“So it’s a yes?!” Changbin asked excitedly.
“Yes. Partly because I can’t stand riding the bus to work anymore. And this is the only time I am doing this for you, ok?”
“Lee Minho, you are a fucking lifesaver! I love you!” Changbin leaned over and made a kissy face.
“You say that again and I’ll throw up all over your steak.”
Changbin quickly leaned back and schooled his expression. “So uh, the date is actually tomorrow night.”
“Tomorrow??? I have to mentally prepare myself to be a woman in 24 hours?” Minho hissed. He held up his steak knife threateningly. “You may be paying me a fortune, but God knows how badly I want to stab you right now.”
“Listen, you’ll be fine. I’ll bring over a makeup and hair team to your apartment at like noon. We’ll prepare you, and then I’ll have a driver take you to the date spot, some fancy ass coffee shop. Then, all you have to do is act fucking weird, which you already excel at, and chase the guy off so that we don’t get a second date or something even worse.”
“Even worse?”
“Yeah, like a marriage proposal.”