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Wylan had been having arguably one of the worst weeks of his life.
Not the worst, he didn’t think. There were still a few miserable weeks in his life that would top this, but only a few.
It had started, like many awful things in this world, with Kaz Brekker. And the reveal that of course he hadn’t hired Wylan for his skills, that would have been dumb. He’d been hired in case Kaz ever needed a merchant's son for anything, and here they were. And now, the only people he’d even dared to call friends thought he was a spoiled moron, and wouldn’t speak to him. He’d known this would happen, that’s why he never said anything! But Ghezen, he’d wanted to tell Jesper so many times. Let it all out, explain why. But he’d been scared. Jesper would realize he could do much better than the disgraced idiot son of a merchant and move on, and Wylan would once again be alone.
And before he had the time to figure out how to tell him, things had gone too far too fast. Wylan had never expected anything like this to come out of their relationship, he moved in with Jesper for Saints sake! And when they got to that point, when they’d been to Shu Han and Ravka and back together, Wylan didn’t know how to start the conversation. This was something you break to someone early, not when they’d made you a key to their room. Maybe it was for the best that Kaz forced his hand, because he doubted he’d ever gotten it out otherwise.
The days after the reveal he barricaded himself in his workshop, too scared to be anywhere else. While they hadn’t officially broken up, Wylan was pretty sure his and Jesper’s relationship was not currently in the state of sharing a bed. Winter had just passed in Ketterdam, but the icy winds still held on tight. Everything was damp and cold, and his workshop was no different.
But the cold and the loneliness were familiar to him, he knew how to deal with those. The worst parts were the reminders of Jesper all around him. The little trinkets strung around that Jesper had made or brought him. The two mugs left out since they were last there together. The sweater he found, that belonged to Jesper. And that he may or may not have put on and sat crying in for a good while.
It was hard to find any positives in those times, but he tried. At least he had food. It was a lot better than the last time he had lived in the workshop, halfway to starvation constantly. Now he was cold, lonely and miserable, but at least he wasn’t hungry. He had stocked up, so he rarely needed to brave the winds to get more. The rest of the world barely existed to him at this point, and he was sure he barely existed to the rest of the world. Before he knew Jesper and the dregs he’d moved through Ketterdam like a ghost, and now he felt like a ghost once more, living at the edge of the world.
Then, suddenly, he was called back. Kaz was calling a meeting, and he was supposed to bring the bombs he’d been making during these days. Wylan had been wondering if Kaz would just leave him in Ketterdam, pick him up when he needed to tighten the noose around his father’s throat, but he supposed he wouldn’t get away that easily. Mostly, he was relieved. If Jesper had gone off to the Ice Court and Wylan hadn’t been there he would have turned grey stressing about it.
When he walked in the room was tense, to say the least. Kaz sat behind his desk, looking miserable as always. Nina was next to the door, surprisingly sulking as well.
“Hello, Wylan,” he jumped as Inej appeared from the shadows. She smiled at him, but he saw that it was strained.
“Hi,” he said. “It’s good to have you back.” She gave him a nod. Wylan supposed she’d known all along, if Kaz had. So while it hadn’t been a surprise to her, she still wouldn’t appreciate him hurting her best friend.
Before taking his chair, he noticed the last figure in the room. It wasn’t Jesper, like he’d both hoped and feared, but a stranger. Chained to a chair, tall and muscular, dressed in prisoner clothes. Nina’s Fjerdan. Matthias.
He combed his hand through his hair as he sat down, trying to tame it. It did nothing.
Kaz stared at the door for a little while, before scoffing, and turning to Wylan.
“Wylan, you’ve been to the Ice Court.”
It wasn’t a question, yet Wylan nodded. “Yes.”
“Together with Helvar here, you’re gonna sketch us a map. Every way in and out and between the sectors, every guard post, everyting.” Wylan nodded, and then grabbed the paper and pencil in front of him. Drawing a place he’d been, that was doable for him.
He turned to Matthias, who did not look pleased.
“This is treason. I will not—“
“You will,” Kaz said. “If you ever want to see your beloved home country again.”
Matthias shut his mouth, and looked at Wylan, who tried giving Matthias a small smile. It was not returned.
He started sketching the maps immediately, going based on his memory and the things he’d read afterwards. It was nice, to do something with his hands, to feel a bit useful for once.
And then, Jesper stumbled in.
Wylan had been hunched over his papers, and he froze a bit as the door opened. Jesper’s clothes were wrinkly, and there were deep bags under his eyes, like he hadn’t slept in days. Their eyes met, and quickly Wylan cast his eyes down, not wanting to face Jesper quite yet.
“Nice of you to join us, Jes,” Kaz said, and Jesper did a two-fingered salute and sat down, on the other side of the table.
“We’re leaving tomorrow,” Kaz said, wasting no time. Wylan’s eyebrows shot up, and he saw the same in the others. At least he wasn’t the only one who didn’t know this.
“Tomorrow?” Nina asked.
“You told me of Hringkälla. We strike then, and to make sure we make it even though the winds aren’t in our favor, we have to have extra time.”
Wylan had thought they would have more time, so he could talk to Jesper or just even prepare, but that didn’t seem to be happening,
“Are we even ready to leave tomorrow?” Nina asked, and Kaz nodded.
“Wylan, you got my order done?” Wylan nodded. “Then you,” he said pointing at Jesper, “will go out and get the rest of the gear we need. Warm clothes, snow goggles, disposable weapons. Wylan and Helvar will stay back and work on the map.”
For once, no one argued. This was it then. The crew of six, who right now mostly seemed to despise each other, would break into the world's most secure prison, grab the most valuable prisoner there, and get out. Wylan mostly resigned himself to the fact that he was gonna die within the next month — if not at the Ice Court, he’d doubted he’d be able to survive being shipped off to his father.
The following day passed in a complete blur. Wylan worked on the map while Kaz interrogated both Matthias and him about the Ice Court. He had to run back and pack, plus buy a couple of extra things he needed. All his most beloved items, his flute, some of his drawings and trinkets from home, he packed in his backpack, that he asked Inej if he could store at the Slat. Even though she wasn’t really his friend now, she allowed him that little kindness.
He arrived at the berth, and they were ambushed. Inej was injured, and Wylan tried to act like the bullet grazing his arm hadn’t almost sent him into a panic. Jesper still didn’t speak to him. And then, suddenly they were off.
Which meant trying to approach the grumpy and slightly terrifying Fjerdan.
“Hi,” Wylan said, popping his head into the room where Matthias was currently sitting. The fact that he was holding on to a knife wasn’t very comforting, and Wylan wondered if that was a good idea, but decided to try anyway. He was just carving something, it was good to have hobbies!
“I just— I’ve drawn the map and I was wondering if you could correct them, see what I could change?” The next turn of Matthias' knife was harder, and the wood chips started coming quicker and quicker.
“No,” Matthias said. “I do not want to.”
Irritation flared in Wylan, but he fought the urge to quip something back.
“Okay,” he said, sitting down. Matthias said nothing, and Wylan realized he needed to find another way in. The piece of wood in Matthias hand began to take form, and slowly Wylan realized—
“An Isenulf! Is that what you’re carving?”
Matthias paused, turning his head to look at Wylan again. “You recognize it?”
Wylan nodded. “Like I said, I’ve been to the Ice Court. When I was a kid, I thought the Isenulf were amazing. My— My father arranged for me to visit the kennel.” Wylan smiled a bit at the memory. He’d been so small still, around seven, but felt so big. The wolves were fascinating to him, and his father had noticed how big his eyes got when he saw one. Finding this sweet, his father had pulled some strings with an old Drüskelle friend of his, who brought Wylan to see the kennels. It had been amazing, and the Isenulf puppies had left Wylan delighted. They were full of energy, running around and playing, and later that night he’d told his parents all about them. The happy memory ached in his chest.
“Did you have one?” Wylan asked, and Matthias turned away again. Immediately Wylan realized this was a sensitive question. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to—“
“I did,” Matthias said softly. “Trassel.”
“Trassel,” Wylan said, the Fjerdan name somewhat clumsy from his lips. “Cute name.”
Matthias smiled a bit. “It means—“ Matthias paused, trying to find the word. “He makes— Difficult? Problems?”
“Troublemaker?” Wylan guessed.
“Troublemaker,” Matthias repeated, feeling the word on his lips.
“Will you try and see him again when we’re in Fjerda?”
The smile fell from Matthias face, and Wylan felt like he was doing nothing but putting his foot in his mouth today.
“I cannot. When I left— He was left. To the wild. With no pack.”
Wylan had seen first hand how close the Drüskelle were to their wolves, and while Wylan had lost all the respect he had for them since he was a kid, Wylan knew that bond was real.
“I’m sorry,” he said, feeling like his words were never enough.
Matthias shook his head. “Let us talk of something else. You.”
“Me?” Wylan said, a bit shocked. “What do you wanna talk about me for?”
“You are— different. From the others. Not a criminal.”
Wylan smiled at this. He was different from the others, but he’d always seen it as his weakness. They were survivors, he was surviving. But Matthias said it like it was a good thing.
“You’re right. I’m not like them, I’m just— Like Trassel, I guess, released into the wild,” Wylan joked, hoping Matthias wasn’t going to be angry at him for it.
But to Wylan’s surprise, and delight, Matthias laughed.
“You are not a wolf, you’re more of a lamb,” he said, smiling. Wylan laughed, not sure if he should be offended or flattered. But there was no bite in Matthias voice, no indication of a hidden insult. So Wylan embraced it, thinking he’d be happier as a lamb than a wolf anyways.
“Let me see those,” Matthias said, pointing at Wylan’s drawings. Quickly Wylan grabbed the drawing he’d put down, and sat down closer to Matthias. “This is good, but this part should be bigger…”
Jesper had been having the worst weeks of his life.
One could argue he’d have worse weeks in his life, but Jesper was too miserable to consider those weeks right now. He was walking through the freezing Ketterdam rain, on another one of Kaz annoying errands. There were approximately a million things they needed to get done before heading to Fjerda, and apparently Jesper had to do every single one of them. Now he was hauling a load of something , pointedly trying to ignore the fact that he was very close to Wylan's workshop.
Ever since the reveal that Wylan — his Wylan, kind, genius, doe eyed Wylan — was a Van Eck, his life had been a mess. He had been a mess. The emotions he’d been going through ranged from heartbroken to confused to pissed to betrayed. It made no sense and it made perfect sense. Mostly Jesper just wanted to pretend it never happened.
That worked a lot better when Wylan wasn’t right there .
The meeting when they first saw each other again was tense, to say the least.
Wylan looked like a mess. There were bags under his eyes, and he looked like he hadn’t seen the sun in days. Not that Jesper looked any better.
Their eyes met for a brief moment, the solid brown of the earth and the stormy grey of the sky, before Wylan looked down. It was awkward in a way things had never been between them, and he hated it.
“Nice of you to join us, Jes,” Kaz said, and Jesper gave a half-hearted two finger salute. “We’re leaving tomorrow,” Kaz said, and Jesper’s eyebrows shot up on his forehead. Even Inej looked surprised, and Jesper felt a vindicated satisfaction in the fact that he wasn’t the last to know. Like always .
“Tomorrow?” Nina asked.
“You told me of Hringkälla. We strike then, and to make sure we make it even though the winds aren’t in our favor, we have to have extra time.”
“Are we even ready to leave tomorrow?” Nina asked. Jesper wondered the same. He’d been doing preparations for Kaz, but it still felt like they had much to do. But Kaz just nodded.
“Wylan, you got my order done?” Wylan nodded. That’s what he’d been doing, then. Jesper had been wondering, but felt like asking would make him seem like a loser. “Then you,” he said pointing at Jesper, “will go out and get the rest of the gear we need. Snow goggles, disposable weapons. Wylan and Helvar will stay back and work on the map.”
The whole thing made his skin crawl. His life had been turned upside down in more ways than one, and everyone was just taking orders like it was normal. Like Wylan wasn’t sat right there, so close and so far away at the same time. Like they weren’t once again about to risk their life at the will of Kaz Brekker. He tapped his leg, and his head twitched. The room was suffocating, and he needed to get out. More than anything, he wanted a pause. A couple of days shut in his room, asleep or unconscious or something .
Of course the world didn’t stop because he was uncomfortable or tired. Instead everyone went on with their tasks. Jesper packed, and went shopping, and they were ambushed on their way to the ship. Because of course. And the ship Kaz had told them was the ship was fake. Because of fucking course. The journey to Fjerda was gonna drive him insane, he realized as soon as the ship took off. Inej was injured, and he was panicking and needed a distraction. There was nothing to do, so he was pacing the floor. But he was scared of running into Wylan, so he avoided the parts of the ship he might be in. It was a specific kind of torture.
He was miserable. Everyone was miserable, he supposed, but it was hard to care when he was so mad at most of them. At Kaz, for being Kaz. At Wylan, for lying to him. At Helvar, for being an asshole. A small part of him was even angry with Inej, and he hadn’t even believed he was capable of that before. Nina was the only one he wasn’t pissed at, and they sulked together when she wasn’t treating Inej. Things seemed like they couldn’t be worse.
But of course they could.
When Inej was on her feet again Kaz gathered the crew to finally give all the details of the plan. Because it was apparently impossible to tell them what they were really getting into right away, they had to wait until they were halfway across the world.
At the start of the meeting, Wylan presented his maps, with a few insertions from Helvar to clarify things.
Jesper was… confused watching this play out.
When they had first all been in the same room, Wylan had seemed terrified of Helvar. Which made sense, he was an intimidating guy! But now, there was an ease in the way Wylan would turn to him, double checking he didn’t get anything wrong when explaining. If Jesper didn’t mistake it, Helvar even smiled .
Kaz nodded when Wylan was done with his presentation, and started to go through it all. Their trek, their way into the Ice Court, the grand plan to go in as prisoners.
“We might get separated,” Kaz said, motioning to himself, Wylan, Jesper and Matthias. “But if we go in together we’ll at least end up in the cells next to each other. We just have to make sure we keep in contact.”
“What if something happens and we’re in different cells? A fight, or if we’re discovered?” Jesper asked. Really his worry stemmed from the idea of him and Wylan ending up in different cells. Even though Jesper was mad, the thought of something happening to Wylan sent a spike of panic through his body.
“We’ll deal with that later. I’m sure we’ll help each other in case anything happens, won’t we Helvar?”
Matthias scoffed, crossing his arms. “I will protect the lamb if threatened. You two can manage on your own.”
There were a few moments of silence after this, where Jesper tried to wrap his head around what in the world Helvar was talking about. The silence was only broken by Wylan’s chuckles, and Jesper watched as Wylan and Helvar exchanged a smile. It looked like they were old friends exchanging a favorite joke of theirs.
“What?” Jesper said, out loud, before he could stop himself. Wylan turned to look at him, and his smile fell. Jesper could only think about the fact that he hadn’t seen Wylan smile in weeks, and it hurt that he’d lost it so quickly.
“Lamb is a nickname in Fjerdan,” Nina said, her voice carefully neutral. Jesper didn’t think he could pretend to be as unbothered.
Kaz rolled his eyes. “Anyways,” he started, before continuing his explanation. But Jesper wasn’t very interested. All he could think about was when in the world Wylan and Helvar had become best friends.
He supposed it made sense. Neither of them had been socializing with the rest of the crew very much, and Wylan did need his opinion on the map. That didn’t mean Jesper had to like it.
Saints, I’m jealous of Helvar. It was too embarrassing to even ponder on.
But Wylan and him had not spoken since Wylan’s secret had been revealed, and it hurt. It hurt that Wylan couldn’t trust him, but felt comfortable around a guy who half of the time acted like he wanted to kill them. But maybe Jesper shouldn’t be surprised. Matthias was the only one who hadn’t known Wylan Hendriks, only Wylan Van Eck. And Wylan maybe saw someone he could relate to in Helvar, a person coming from outside the Barrel, who hadn’t chosen this life time and time again.
Someone completely opposite of Jesper, then.
What had he been expecting? That Wylan would just sit and wait while he sulked, and one day when Jesper felt ready to talk they would? There had been no official break up, but Wylan had moved out and they hadn’t talked in weeks.
In the back of his mind, Jesper hadn’t thought this would be the end. They’d fight and find their way back. That was always how Jesper worked, he had come crawling back to Kaz over and over again for Saints sake. The dregs, the Barrel, no matter how much it hurt Jesper he’d never leave. And that’s what he thought would happen.
But he had never been able to predict how Wylan would act. It was one of Jesper’s favorite things about him, that he always surprised Jesper. But maybe this would be the final surprise. Wylan didn’t have a reason to wait for Jesper. A terrible durast and a worse gambler. A boyfriend that Wylan hadn’t felt like he could trust. Why would he ever wait around for him?
Jesper looked up and caught Wylan staring at him. His big, brown eyes widened even more, before looking back down on the floor. And Jesper wanted to grab his shoulders, tell Wylan to just look at him. Talk to him. But he had been the one to ask for space in the first place, he’d asked Wylan to leave. So he sat back, and said nothing.