Chapter Text
Annie has a nightmare when she’s six years old.
She dreams she’s a monster, with bones crunching in her teeth and blood staining her hands. She stomps through a city and people flee from her, and those who don’t are crushed under her feet. She sees broken, lifeless bodies littering the streets, and a pair of sky blue eyes filled with hurt and betrayal, and she wakes sobbing without really knowing why.
Vaguely, she registers her mother cooing apologies to her for telling her a story so violent at such a young age. She reasons that this is probably why Annie had the nightmare in the first place, and Annie accepts it and convinces herself it’s just a story while she sobs into her arms.
She doesn’t even remember it the next morning.
They teach a solid semester of the Titan Story in classical literature when Annie is in high school.
She only gets flashes of the dream she had when she was a little girl, but she’s far too focused on other things – grades, colleges, boys – to care much about a hazy memory. Admittedly, though, this is when her interest in the Titan Story takes its hold.
They say that, once upon a time, humanity had been reduced to a population so small that their only chance of survival was to cower behind walls they had built while titans walked the earth.
They’ve come a long way from that, she thinks, because humanity has spread far beyond those borders, and her own family lives across the sea in a country to the west of the Walled Cities. The remnants of the old Walls have been standing for almost two thousand years but she’s never seen them. She looks longingly at the pictures on postcards or in books and traces the lines of the catacombs on maps, hoping to see it all for herself one day.
But the titans are just a story. There’s not a speck of evidence on their existence, so the real mystery of the Walled Cities is why they were ever walled to begin with. There are no records of floods, or disease that would ever narrow the human population down to what the stories say it was, and other disasters like meteor strikes and earthquakes don’t make much sense in context. Why walls? Why three? Why at all?
She mulls it over in her mind long after the study on the Titan Story is done, and she can’t help but wonder why no one else seems as interested as her.
A university offer arrives in the mail just before the end of her senior year.
It’s early, and Annie barely has her uniform jumper over her head when her father places the letter in front of her and puts a mug of coffee in her hand. She’s received offers already from other, more local universities, but the return address of this one makes her heart thump loudly in her chest.
Admissions Office
The University of Wall Rose
104 Scout Avenue, Trost
She drops the mug.
Armin grows up in Shiganshina.
It’s the southern-most city within the walls, and he lives most of his life fascinated by the ruins around his home town. The stories say Shiganshina was one of the first – if not the first – to go down after the fabled Colossal Titan kicked open the gates of Wall Maria and that various statues in town are actually chunks of the wall that were never moved. As a child, Armin had marvelled at them, studying the plaques and careful markings on each. He began to wander out to the main gate once he was old enough to go on his own and he has memories of staring up at it for hours, wondering how on earth they’d managed to build it so high.
When he was younger, he’d quite happily believed that the titans were real. They had to have built the walls for a reason and he had thought that titans had made perfect sense.
Now, though…
He supposes he doesn’t really have a solid belief on the topic.
He just wants to know the truth.
His friends think that his fascination with the Walls is kind of weird.
Armin supposes he can understand. To them, the Walls have just been part of life. They haven’t been reading the stories since they were old enough to learn how, but Armin has spent his whole life devouring the books his grandfather had amassed over a lifetime of research. He knows the story like the back of his hand. He has visited the catacombs under Shiganshina more times than he can count. His grandfather even takes him on trips to the University of Wall Rose’s Museum of Antiquities all the way over in Trost to show him the various items he’d found in his days as an active archaeologist.
His grandfather is a lot of the reason he’s so interested.
He dies on his way home from Trost when Armin is eleven.
Armin mourns for weeks.
He graduates from high school at the top of his class, to nobody’s surprise, and he receives offers from various colleges within the Walled Cities, but the one that he wants desperately doesn’t send him an offer until just before he gives up hope.
When it arrives, Armin stares at the return address for ages before he has the courage to open the envelope. The paper is thick, and the emblem shines up at him, and he reads the words ‘accepted into the Bachelor of Arhceological Science with Honours’ three, four, five times before he hugs the letter to his chest and takes off at a run.
It’s six blocks to the cemetery but he doesn’t stop until he collapses in front of his grandfather’s grave.
He lays the offer in front of the tombstone and grins, feeling words forming on his tongue that never make it out of his mouth. In the end, he laughs and he sobs at the same time, and he sits with his grandfather’s bones until Eren and Mikasa come to fetch him at dusk.
They meet during orientation.
Annie is a quiet little thing who takes a seat towards the back of the lecture hall for the dean’s welcome speech and she’s very obviously alone, even though she’s surrounded by a sea of chattering first years. She’s leafing through her orientation packet curiously when Armin taps her shoulder nervously and nods at the empty seat to her left.
“Hi,” he says. “Sorry. Is this seat taken?”
Annie shakes her head and nudges her backpack under her chair so he can get through.
“Thanks,” says Armin, sounding relieved. “I’m Armin. Armin Arlert.”
“Annie Leonhardt,” says Annie, shaking his hand briefly.
“Nice to meet you, Annie Leonhardt,” he says, and he offers her a shy grin as he takes a seat. “Know what you want to major in yet?”
Annie stifles a snort. “No,” she says. “I just got here. I don’t exactly want to jump the gun. The Titan Story’s always interested be though, and the Walled Cities are a minefield of artefacts so ideally, I’d like to focus on that. What about you?”
“Oh!” says Armin brightly. “The same, actually. The Titan Story’s been my thing since I was like, seven.”
Annie raises an eyebrow at him. “Bit gory for a seven year old, don’t you think?” she says.
He laughs. “Yeah. I guess. I grew up in Shiganshina so, y’know, the walls have always been there and I’ve always wondered. The idea of digging up some priceless artefact is pretty appealing too.”
Annie allows herself a quiet chuckle. “So you’re in it for the treasure hunt, huh?”
“Not like that,” says Armin good-naturedly. “I like the idea of going on an adventure, y’know?”
“I see,” says Annie, and she shakes her head and hides the smile he’s charmed out of her. She pauses, though, because there’s something about the brightness in his eyes that triggers what feels like a memory she doesn’t remember actually having. “You seem familiar,” she says at last.
“Oh?” he says. “Maybe… I just have that kind of face,” he offers. “We’ve definitely never met before. I’d remember someone as pretty as you.”
Annie narrows her eyes at him. She studies the enthusiasm in his eyes and the stupid grin on his face, and feels her face grow warm.
She decides the feeling is probably just flattery and Armin Arlert being a smooth piece of work.
Annie learns about Armin’s grandfather during a group project.
Armin learns about Annie’s hometown during a study session before finals in their first year.
Annie decides she quite likes Armin Arlert.
Armin decides the same about her.
He kisses her before she goes home for the summer.
She kisses him when she comes back.
The Titan Story becomes an obsession that they share, and their relationship grows as deep as they mythology is complex. Armin shares his grandfather’s library with her when he takes her with him to Shiganshina during a mid-semester break. Annie learns that Armin has never been beyond the borders of Wall Maria, so she takes him to the sea and then across it to meet her parents in her home town in the west.
Annie feels like she’s known Armin her entire life, and he makes her heart flutter in ways she can’t even begin to describe. He is her best friend and confidante; her partner in everything from assignments to university balls. She thinks she’s in love.
Who is she kidding? She is definitely in love, and she knows it. Life is good and happy and perfect as long as she is with Armin Arlert.
Until one day it’s not.
The nightmare she had when she was six visits her in their final year of study.
She dreams that she’s a monster, and that she’s killed an inconceivable number of people, and there is blood on her hands and bones in her teeth. She dreams of the lifeless, half devoured bodies of friends she has made in her classes and of a pair of sky blue eyes, once bright and full of hope, now heart broken and full of remorse.
She wakes screaming, and in her terror, doesn’t register the hands at her shoulders and the panic-stricken voice in her ears.
“Annie! Annie, hey, breathe, it’s okay! It’s okay – shhh, it’s okay…”
She forces herself to take in a sharp, shallow breath. She’s not a monster, she remembers. She’s in bed. Her legs are tangled in the sheets and her pyjama shirt is soaked with her sweat. The arms around her shoulders belong to Armin, and he tugs her to his chest gently and smooths her bangs out of her eyes. “A-Armin,” she manages hoarsely.
He offers her a somewhat relieved smile. “Hey,” he says. “You’re okay. That sounded like a heck of a nightmare.”
Annie swallows and sucks in another breath. “Sorry,” she mumbles. “I didn’t mean to wake you.”
Armin makes a face at her. “That isn’t something you should apologize for,” he says.
She feels him press his lips into her hair, and she shudders and lets out a sob. Armin says nothing. He holds her against him and waits for her breathing to settle, fingers tracing reassuring patterns against her skin.
“Sorry,” Annie mumbles again, and Armin pulls back momentarily and frowns.
“Hey, now,” he says, cupping her face with his hands. “You’re okay. Everything’s fine now.”
But Annie looks into his eyes and feels her blood run cold. All of a sudden, his touch feels foreign. She shivers uncomfortably and presses the heels of her hands into her eyes, but another – and for some reason, horrified – sob forces its way out of her throat. “I’m sorry,” she cries, burying her face into the sheets. “God, I’m so sorry.”
“Annie?” Armin touches her shoulder gingerly, but she flinches away from him. “What’s wrong?”
She doesn’t answer him because she doesn’t know.
Only that the eyes from her nightmares are his and that she had broken him, once upon a time.
She pulls away from him after that. In part, it’s because she doesn’t know how to face him. It’s as if she can’t forget the pain she’d caused him once; almost as if she’s afraid she’ll do it again. Armin Arlert is a wonderful, talented and kind human being, and she loves him with all her heart, and the idea that she could hurt him to the point of her nightmares terrifies her.
Guilt wells in her chest when he holds her at night. She feels disgusted with herself and she can’t even understand why. Worst of all is that he can tell something is wrong, but she doesn’t know how to explain it to him without sounding like she’s lost her mind.
So she swallows her problems instead. She pretends she’s fine. She pretends that the pressure of being a college senior is starting to get to her and that’s all it is. She lies to him because she doesn’t know what else to do.
One night, while she pretends to sleep to keep him from worrying, he presses a kiss to her temple and tucks a lock of hair behind her ear.
“I love you, you know,” he whispers. “Whatever it is you’re afraid of telling me… it won’t change how I feel about you.” His voice trembles as he presses his forehead to hers and Annie’s heart breaks in her chest. “Please let me help you, Annie. It kills me to see you like this and you have to know that whatever it is, I can take it. I’ll still love you.” He scoffs and settles beside her. “God,” he murmurs. “You could be a complete monster and I still would.”
She says nothing.
She was, once, she thinks.
How could he love her, really?
They’re both offered jobs before they graduate. Armin’s will take him across the world, to study the remains of other ancient cultures that he’s always wanted to see. Annie’s will take her to the inner ring, to study the ruins in the city of Stohess. It’s not exactly the situation they’d hoped for once, but it’s not one they can disregard either.
Annie doesn’t know how he does it, but on the day they’re supposed to make a decision, Armin sneaks them into the staff access elevator at the Wall. He takes her all the way to the top of Wall Rose and sits her down on one of the benches overlooking Trost where the view is both breathtaking but strangely familiar, and Annie suppresses the shudder that runs up her spine. She forces herself to keep the images from her nightmares out of her mind’s eye. She can’t keep doing this to him, she realizes. She knows what she has to do.
They say nothing for a while, before Armin slips his hand into hers and squeezes her fingers. “I don’t think I’m going to take it,” he says at last. “It’s not what we wanted. And… I don’t exactly want to leave you.”
Annie pauses. “You should,” she mumbles quietly. “Take the job, I mean. It’s – you shouldn’t turn down an opportunity like that.”
“I don’t want it,” says Armin. “I was thinking we could stay here, y’know? We could stay and maybe teach as part of the junior faculty. We could build a life together, Annie.”
“Take the job, Armin,” she says again, louder this time. “Don’t… don’t tie yourself to me. I don’t – ” Her breath hitches. She wants to say she doesn’t deserve him but the word doesn’t quite make it to her lips. “You should take the job,” she says instead.
He frowns a little. “Annie… what part of I don’t –”
“I took the offer to go to Stohess,” she says quickly.
A pause.
Armin stares at her. “What?”
It’s a lie. She hasn’t taken the offer to go to Stohess yet, but she wants him to go. He deserves to see the world. He deserves the offer more than anyone. Most of all, he deserves someone who’s not afraid of themselves. “Take the offer, Armin,” she repeats. Her voice wobbles. “Please.”
He shakes his head like he doesn’t understand. “Annie – is this about whatever’s been bothering you these last few months?”
She hesitates.
Armin clutches her hand tighter. “Annie. Talk to me. Don’t force me to leave without at least telling me what’s wrong. Let me in.”
She swallows. “Take the job, Armin.”
“Annie.”
“It’s none of your business, okay?” she snaps at last. She wrenches her hand from his grip and gets to her feet. “God, Armin, just – ” She makes a sound of frustration and runs a hand through her hair. “I can’t – you wouldn’t understand –”
“Then help me to.” He reaches for her hand again and Annie can see the desperation in his eyes. Her shoulders tense because it’s so close to what she sees in her sleep and, instinctively, she backs away. “Annie, what’s wrong? Is it something I did?”
She sucks in a breath. “It’s – it’s me, okay, I just –” She chokes on her words momentarily. “I don’t want to do this anymore.”
Armin scowls. Annie watches the emotion turn in his eyes, and he goes from desperate to angry like he’s been holding it all back for months. He probably has. She hasn’t been the easiest person to deal with lately. “That’s a lie, Annie, that’s all you’ve been doing to me for months!” he snaps. “Did you honestly think I wouldn’t notice something was wrong? I’m not stupid, okay, why won’t you talk to me anymore?”
“I just… I can’t.” She shakes her head, hands clenching into fists at her sides. “I took the job in Stohess, Armin. It’s done. I’m done.”
“Annie,” he practically begs, but she just flinches and turns to head for the elevator. How pathetic, she thinks. She can’t even face him. She hears him sigh in frustration. “You’re trying to act like you’re selfish or like you’ve done something terrible, but I know you. Talk to me. We can work this out – whatever it is – whatever you think you’ve done. You’re a good person, Annie and –”
“Stop it!” she cries hoarsely. Something about what he says makes her heart feel like it’s physically breaking, and the image of him standing at the bottom of stairwell staring up at her with those eyes flashes through her mind. “Just… ” She takes a shaky breath. “Stop. We’re done, Armin.”
“Please, Annie, I love you –”
“Well, I don’t love you.” The words fly from her mouth before she even has the chance to rethink them, and it tears her heart apart to tell him something so untrue but… what else can she do? He has to move on – he has to get away from her, and she knows that this is the only way.
There’s a pause, but after a moment, she hears Armin breathe in sharply. “That’s a lie.”
Annie keeps her face turned away from him. “I never loved you,” she whispers.
“Don’t do this,” he manages hoarsely.
She swallows as the doors slide open. “I’m sorry,” she says again, and she turns her head enough to see him watching her with the same heart-broken, sky blue eyes she sees in her nightmares and what little resolve she has left shatters.
For a moment, she wants to take it all back.
Then she realizes what a monster she is and the elevator doors slide shut.