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Thinking back, it all started back in high school. It was the day Sasaki got accepted at the college of his choice and visited me at school even though there really was no need to come in person. A simple call would have been enough. But it was Sasaki after all, not once daring to miss a chance to see me whenever he could.
It was the first time when one kiss simply wasn’t enough, when one touch led to another until I found myself lying on my back, pinned down with Sasaki on top of me, an undeniably hungry glance covering his eyes as he leaned down, always chasing for another kiss whenever we parted to catch some air. I couldn’t remember seeing him act like this before. Normally he would be the one to hold back, but this time was different. Not that I was in any position to complain, though.
“Aren’t you cold?” he asked huskily, his hand on my cheek, gently gazing over the flushed skin beneath his cold fingertips.
“No, it´s alright”
Truth be told, I didn’t even notice the cold surface below. How was he even capable to think about it, to think about anything in the middle of touching and kissing like that? “Screw that damn floor and kiss me already” was what I wanted to say, tugging him close for another kiss was what I did instead.
“Careful, Miya,” He whispered, “If you say things like that I might do more than just kissing.” His breath was hot against my skin, tingling and inviting, blowing away every bit of self-consciousness. He never cared about our surroundings whenever he would drop stuff like that, but what felt embarrassing only months ago couldn’t bother me less the way things were now. “Just kidding.”
I must have looked awkwardly perplexed back then, because Sasaki was unable to hide his soft laugh at the sight of me, stabbing the mood all over again with every following chuckle until it was finally dead and bleeding next to me.
The memory alone was enough to make me shiver all over again, but not in a good way. Especially, because that was just the beginning of many more weird moments. Sasaki was usually one to speak freely about everything what was on his mind but somehow I can’t scratch off the feeling that this wasn’t the case anymore. And that fact scared the hell out of me.
I was lying on my bed, way too restless to sleep, browsing through a bunch of manga’s I wanted to reread but somehow I couldn’t even concentrate on that, because every freaking scene reminded me of Sasaki. Just like the one I had in front of me, where the MC was invited for a short trip to Ishigaki Island by his crush. He was scared as hell just at the thought of getting on an airplane for the first time but at the same time he was eager to jump over his shadow, head over heels because it was him who’d asked.
I couldn’t keep myself from frowning at the dumb love-struck face he made because that was exactly how I was looking weeks ago on our date as we walked through the snow, shivering and grumbling against the freezing air which was waving painfully against our skin. Sasaki started to fool around and kept brabbling about sunny weather, heat waves in summer and sunsets at the beach like the daydreamer he was, but it wasn’t enough to ease the stinging cold. If anything, it was even more frustrating.
“Maybe we should pack our bags and take a flight to spend Christmas Eve at the beach next year.” He hummed idly.
That was, by far, the most awesome idea he ever had. But just when I was about to agree, in the middle of coughing at the sudden offer-
“Just kidding.”
Followed by his stupid laugh.
My eyes flew shut as well as the manga, a clapping sound accompanying the growl that made its way out of my throat. I could never tell whether he was joking or not. Did he wanted to do more in that freaking classroom? Did he wanted to take me to a trip at the beach? Who the hell knows, because it all seemed so funny he would just laugh it away.
Just like that other moment when we were heading home after school, totally caught up in chatting about our latest BL manga when he suddenly stopped walking and peeked at an older couple sitting on a bench, flickering through some kind of magazine. A soft smile adorned his lips at the sight. “Look at that, Miya. This could be us in fifty years.” He mumbled dreamingly, yet it was enough to make my heart flutter. Sasaki was usually the one jumping from day to day without much thought, never once caring if he overslept, failed at an exam or forgot something. Listening to him speaking about something so distant like it was a given thing we’d still be together.. it was wheedling. There were days when I found myself asking how on earth I managed to make him fall for me in the first place. And maybe I even was about to ask him such that. At least, until..
“Just kidding.”
My face dropped blank as well as my attempt to react to what he said as I shot him a glare before moving on. Seriously, what is this?
I wasn’t even sure why it bothered me so much. But it was enough to coax out another groan at the sight of Sasaki’s name on my phone which buzzed me out of my thoughts.
“Yeah?”
“Hey Miya, whatcha doin’?” he chirped, light-hearted as ever. It was hard to keep on being grumpy at that sound, not gonna lie. My lips moved on their own, cracking into a soft smile. He may be dense at times, but it never kept myself from loving him with every beat of my damned heart.
“Not much, to be honest.”
“I see. You’re reading manga’s then.” I could see that damn smirk right in front of me.
“Kind of. Do you need something?”
“Nah. I just wanted to hear your voice. I was kinda lonely around here because my family’s gone for this weekend and naturally, you came to mind.”
Screw you for being so adorable. How can someone have such a cool face, acting all collected and stuff, just to say something like that out of nowhere, as casually as it gets?
“You could have said something, you know?” I let out a sigh, suddenly feeling kind of plaintive because of the missed chance of staying overnight with no one else around.
“You’re right. Wanna come over?”
Wait what? I wasn’t even sure if he was about to say something else as the blood rushed into my face at full force, leaving my cheeks flushed red just at the thought alone. I never realized my heart could beat that loud.
“Well, I’m..uh..” I’m on my way was what I wanted to say, fumbling on my phone to get the time schedule for the next train, but then…
“Just kidding.”
…
The blood was still rushing, but again, not in a good way.
“Are you serious?” this time I didn’t even try to hide the annoyance in my voice. A laugh was all I got back.
“You think this is funny, Shuumei? Because it’s not.”
“I’m sorry Miya.” He managed to get out “I didn’t want to mess with you.”
“I guess I’m heading to bed now.”
“Miya, I’m sorry.” This time, his voice sounded way more serious.
“Yeah, me too. Good night.”
The call ended before he could answer. Trembling hands clenched on my phone white knuckled because just now it finally hit me. It bothered me so much because he was laughing away everything I wanted to do so badly. Making it sound like a joke before I even get the chance to answer.
Maybe I should go to bed just as planned, forget about it and move on was what I thought. Packing some stuff and dash out for the next train was what I did instead. Because as much as I loved this guy from the bottom of my heart, this shit was driving me insane.
Thankfully he didn’t live far away from my place, therefore it didn’t take long until I finally rang the doorbell whilst catching my breath again from all the running.
After a few moments, the door opened just enough to reveal a shocked face from the inside.
“Miya?! What-“
“You invited me over, remember?” I snapped back and stepped inside until the door clicked shut behind me.
“But-“
“No butts. I figured I still wanted to see you, after all.”
Sasaki remained silent as he followed me into his living room where I dropped my bag before turning around again to face him properly.
“Are you still mad?” he asked warily.
“Hell yeah, I am! And that’s why I need to know what this is all about.”
“What do you mean?”
You know exactly what I mean!
“‘Just kidding!’“ I mimicked his voice the best I could. “I can tell you did want me to come over, so why keep on brushing things off like that?”
His jaw dropped slightly, but he stood silent. I took a few quick steps until I was close enough to feel his warm breath as I looked up to him with narrowed eyes.
“When you said it for the first time, I thought it really was a joke. But no. Every single time you get serious about something concerning us, you keep on laughing it away before I ever get the chance to answer. And I want to know why that is. What is so damn funny about taking our relationship seriously?”
“Miya, I-“
“When we walked past that damn couple a few weeks ago, you said this could be us in fifty years. And I can tell, your words made me happy back then. Because as I saw them, I just thought the exact same thing. Imagining us two still hanging out to read stuff together was as hilarious as it was flattering because it meant you’re considering me long term and that made me happy . I was about to ask you how on earth I got this lucky to have you at my side but then you laughed."
Stop making this damn face, I’m still mad at you.
“When we walked home, freezing to death and you told me we could take a trip on the beach instead for our next Christmas Eve, it made me happy . Because again, you kept looking at the future, speaking so casually like it was a given thing the two of us would still be together. Not only that, but it also meant you want to travel the world with me at your side. And that made me happy . I was about to agree to that because that’s what I wanted to do, too! But then you laughed.”
He looked like he was about to cry.
“I really don’t know what it is what keeps you laughing at this stuff. You know what I was doing the very moment you asked me to come over? I checked the damn train schedule because I was about to dash out. I was about to say that I’m on my way before you started laughing again, and yes, it’s starting to piss me off. Because every time I’m head over heels for you because of the things you say you keep on laughing it away like it’s nothing. But for me, it’s plenty! At least give me a chance to react in any way before you start fooling around with me every single time!” I finished with a pout on my lips, but at least I was able to get it all off my chest. Now try to laugh that away.
Sasaki was completely avoiding my gaze by now, looking on the floor bashfully as he cracked out his answer. And with those words, ever so quiet, my chest tightened.
“I guess I was afraid that your answer would be no.”
Like hell it would be.
“What?” it was merely a gasp. Even though I heard what he said, somehow the words failed to reach my brain. “Look at me now and tell me again how I am supposed to say no to any of that.”
He tried to cover his face with his hand, but I swept it off instantly. “No hiding here, I want to hear it from you.”
Sasaki took a deep breath.
“Ever since we started dating, you made me so damn happy. Yes, I fell for you the very first day we’ve met, but it grew even stronger back when you gave me your answer. To be honest, I was about to brush that off, too. Because I was sure it would be a no. Instead, you asked me out. Became my boyfriend. I couldn’t quite believe it. And somehow I feared I may have pushed my luck too far. Because as time went on I realized I wanted more. I want to go on trips with you, see the world, grow old together, I just can’t get enough of you. Every minute we spend together leaves me craving for more. And somehow I couldn’t bring myself to hear you out whenever those thoughts slipped my mind. Because now I finally got a taste of it, I don’t know what I would do after finding out you don’t feel the same.”
He looked so seriously crushed it was almost maddening how I was expecting him to laugh any second. Now it was my turn to be at a total loss of words. Instead, I took his hand and brushed his palm with my thumb, a simple, yet effective way of comforting.
“So, you did mean everything you said.” I whispered, finally able to smile again in delight. Not that I truly believed he was fooling around with me after waiting six months for my answer after confessing his love. Quietly. On the train. Thinking I was asleep. So I won’t be able to answer him.
It felt like a slap across my face as the memories flickered through my mind. The moment he asked me to test the theory of whether he was a clumsy kisser or not before he would burst out laughing. The moment he confessed to me while I was awake, interrupting my attempt to answer in order to give me more time to think about it. The moment he asked me out for the first time after I patched him up outside of the school building before he laughed away any attempt to turn him down. It didn’t start on that damn classroom floor in high school. He wasn’t the cool collected guy whenever I was around. Since the very beginning he was on guard, shielding himself from any pain without fail.
I should have noticed sooner. Because after all, he has never been anything but loyal and honest towards me.
“I did.” He breathed, eyes closed, clearly enjoying the soft touch of my hand on his own.
“Shuumei,” I started, hand shifting slightly until our fingers entwined. “Don’t do this. Don’t shake off those thoughts and dreams out of fear of me rejecting you. I told you I love you. Because I want to be with you, right? Not because I want some fancy school-romance, I wanted this to go on even after we graduate, just as you. And as I said, it made me truly happy hearing you feel the same. And as much I love your laugh, it always felt like you didn’t take things seriously and that made me worry, not gonna lie. Because I am dead serious about this. About us. Don’t you back off now because I definitely want to do that goddamn trip.”
At least this eased the mood somehow as Sasaki cracked out a laugh. This time though, it came from heart. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Miya.”
“Don’t be. More importantly…” I couldn’t keep myself from smirking, because there was something else I needed to know.
“Does that mean you did wanted to do more than just kissing back at school?” I was standing on my tiptoes now, making sure he was able to hear every single whispered word against his ear.
I could feel his hand on my back, pulling me closer as the other tightened its grip.
“Yeah.”
“Want to know what I was about to say back then?” I teased, enjoying greatly the slight shiver running through his body. He tensed up under my touch as my free hand made its way under his shirt, carefully stroking the soft skin below.
“Yeah.”
Another smile made its way as my lips gazed over his neck ever so tenderly. “I guess you’ll have to find out, then.” And with that, my mouth closed the gap, peppering his neck with kisses, trailing his jaw with soft touches until my lips covered his, already parted for my tongue to slide in easily.
It was just like back then, on the cold floor of that goddamn classroom, we simply continued where we left off. But this time, we didn’t stop.