Work Text:
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Bag lady, you gone hurt your back
Draggin' all them bags like that
I guess nobody ever told you
All you must hold onto
Is you, is you, is you
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Someone once told him that keeping in all his pain and emotions would make them worse. But that someone wasn’t here anymore, and Grian didn’t want to believe he was right. It hurt far too much to even think of that someone, so he pretended.
He pretended like the pain wasn’t there. Like he wasn’t hurting. Grian pretended like everything was okay and nothing was wrong. He pretended that everything that was wrong was right. And he pretend well, so no one even realised.
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One day, all them bags gon' get in your way
One day, all them bags gon' get in your way
I said one day, all them bags gon' get in your way
One day, all them bags gon' get in your way
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There were days that he just couldn’t. The days that felt like they dragged on for hours longer just to mess with him. On those days Grian could barely handle a whole conversation. On those days he could barely get asked a question without blowing up on the person.
There were days that when he tried talking, his throat felt dry. Like he lost his voice and he couldn’t speak. Like his brain had become like one of a baby’s, only babbles and random ramble that make no sense. And he hated it. Grian hated it more than he hates rabbits.
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So, pack light, pack light
Pack light, pack light
Ooh, ooh
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He remembers back in Evo when a few of the evolutionists had recommend a few therapist to him. It was weird and Grian understood why, but he could barely even start the conversation before he wanted to leave. Pearl would always be the one to pick him up.
When they had noticed that even therapy wasn’t working, the evolutionist tried to his therapist themselves. And for as much as Grian loves them, there so much he was holding in he didn’t know how to leave it all behind. But all that did was make everything more frustrating.
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Bag lady, you gon' miss your bus
You can't hurry up 'cause you got too much stuff
When they see you coming, n— take off running
From you, it's true, oh, yes, they do
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Maybe there was some underlying truth to how pushing away others can be bad to your mental health. Especially when it’s like Grian’s. But even then there so many times where he’d push away those there to help. And who knows why, they keep coming back.
But maybe he pushes them away because he’s a afraid that if they get close, they just run. They’ll run once they see what he really is, so he pushes them away before that could happen. Even if it hurts him more then he would ever admit.
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One day, he gon' say, "You crowding my space"
One day, he gon' say, "You crowding my space"
I said one day, he gon' say, "You crowding my space"
One day, he gon' say, "You crowding my space"
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Even after pushing away so many, there was some he couldn’t let go. There were some Grian would cling to like a life support. The ones he was afraid would one day realise how they didn’t need him, and leave. The ones who’d realise that he was just crowding their space.
And that was more terrifying then what anyone could do to him. He could be beaten down to nothing but a pulp and still be more afraid of those he holds so close leaving him. Grian could have his soul suck out of him while he watched and even that wouldn’t be as terrifying.
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So, pack light, pack light
Pack light, pack light
Ooh, ooh
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Don’t get him wrong, Grian knows how bad his coping mechanisms were. But when all you do is run, then you can’t sit down. When all you do is hide, then you can’t be seen. He knows how bad it is to do, but he just can’t stop because it’s all he’s ever done.
He’s tried to do things differently, try to fix himself but it was like he was bomb. He was a bomb in an airplane that snuck pass security and was about to blow up. As funny as that reference is to his more explosive side, it’s the only way to explain how he feels.
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Girl, I know sometimes it's hard
And we can't let go
Oh, when someone hurts you, oh so bad inside
You can't deny it, you can't stop crying
So, oh, oh, oh
If you start breathin', you won't believe it
You'll feel so much better, so much better, baby
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He doesn’t know when, but he feels as if he started healing. Grian started healing. Maybe it was because of Pearl and her forceful therapy. Maybe it was because of letting people in more instead of closing off. But all he knows is he started healing.
He feels like he could cry. Of course, all the bad days still happen, but there’s more good days. Days were he’s happy to get up. Days were he’s willing to get up. Days were he can’t wait to talk with someone. And that’s more healing then he has in years.
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