Archive of Our Own

Yeonjun threw his jacket onto the couch after slamming the door. He was fuming — to say that today was a terrible day would be an understatement.

“Can you believe this man's nerves?!” he complained to Beomgyu as he wedged the phone between his ear and shoulder. He tugged his tie in anger and sat at the kitchen table. “I worked my ass off for this project, pulling all-nighters back for three days. I have grey hairs from the stress, you know I've done everything myself for two weeks. And for what? His insufferable ass gave the project to someone else at the last second. Last second!”

“Did he say why?” Beomgyu asked with a distracted voice. Yeonjun could hear the keyboard sounds from the background. Beomgyu was a true workaholic.

“He spewed some bullshit about my work ethic, but everybody knows he gave it to Doyoon because he's his nephew.”

“I'm sorry, hyung,” Beomgyu winced with an understanding tone. “I know you feel bad.”

“Bad? I feel like garbage,” Yeonjun muttered, exhausted. “This was important to me, I could get a promotion. But now it's all gone.” He rubbed his face. “And now I have to finish all the work I procrastinated because of this. They're all piled up.”

“Is there anything I can do to help you?”

“No, I have to deal with it myself. Thanks for asking, though.”

“You know I'm a phone away if you need anything,” Beomgyu said. “But maybe you should get some rest and let out some steam before starting to work.”

“I can't do that.” Yeonjun eyed the documents in his bag with a painful gaze. “I don't have time.”

“Good luck to you, then.” Yeonjun could hear the pity in Beomgyu's voice. “Say hello to Soobin hyung for me.”

“Will do,” Yeonjun mumbled absentmindedly. Soobin was the last thing on his mind right now, all he could see was the agonizing hours he would spend in front of his laptop.

He hung up the phone and ran his fingers through his hair nervously. This was not in his plans, not at all. He was going to present the project in front of higher-ups, it was going to go well, and he was going to get the promotion he’d been working for all year. But now it was all in vain.

And the worst part was that he couldn’t get Doyoon’s mocking gaze out of his mind. The way he acted surprised at the boss’ offer, accepting it with a huge grin on his face and turning to look him in the eye with an irritating smirk. It was driving him crazy. He wanted to tear his hair out.

He got up from the chair with a frown and shuffled his feet to the bedroom with a sigh. He changed out of his dark gray suit into cozy pajamas before returning to his previous position and turning on his laptop on the kitchen table.

He was just about to start when he heard his notification sound, making his eyes fall onto his phone. He grabbed it and opened the lock screen.

‘Presentation in three days. Make sure you memorize all of it!’

Ah, the reminder he wrote for himself. He smiled sarcastically before turning off his phone and throwing it in his bag. He returned to his laptop, and his mood soured even more as his hands started to move on the keyboard.

×

Yeonjun was going through the documents when he heard the key sounds. He chose to ignore it, not wanting to lose his concentration.

“Hi, love.”

“Hi,” he mumbled under his breath. It was his boyfriend, but he couldn't muster the energy to greet him properly.

“I brought you something, I'm sure you'll love it.” Soobin's voice was cheerful, and it irritated Yeonjun. Couldn’t Soobin see he was not in the mood?

“Thanks,” he responded dryly, not even looking up from the papers.

He heard Soobin's movements slowing down, the mood in the kitchen shifting to a tense one. He saw Soobin put a tall plastic cup on the table alongside a box from the corner of his eyes. Pink and baby blue bags caught his attention. Did Soobin go to our favorite cafe?

He slowly raised his gaze to Soobin’s tall figure. There was a grim expression on his boyfriend's face, his lips shut tight in a straight line. Before he could say anything, Soobin turned his back and went to their bedroom. Yeonjun closed his eyes and sighed, continuing to work.

It hadn't even been ten minutes when Soobin came back. He eyed the table with a frown and walked toward their cabinet. He took two plates and started to place the sweets from the box on the plate.

“How was your day?” he asked, trying to make small talk.

“Bad.”

“...Do you want to talk about it?”

“No.”

“Hyung—”

“Not now, Soobin,” Yeonjun responded exasperatedly.

He heard a huff before seeing Soobin push a small plate and the cup in front of him. Soobin reached his hand to pat his hair, only to hesitate and pull back before leaving the kitchen with small steps.

Yeonjun felt terrible when he saw his lover’s uncertainty, when he looked at the coffee and dessert, but the bright screen waiting for him made him scowl. He ignored everything with a tired gaze and continued to work.

He spent a long time typing and editing documents. He didn’t even move to relax his muscles; he could feel them getting tense from sitting on top of a chair without moving for hours. He knew it would probably come back to bite him, but he chose to ignore it for the time being.

I can’t rest until I get at least half of the work done, he thought to himself. He could see himself getting fired for it, thinking about it made him even more stressed. Just in time, he heard his boyfriend’s footsteps behind him. Soobin remained silent for a few seconds before speaking softly.

“You didn't even touch anything.”

He didn't even think of it. When he turned his head to look at the table, he saw the ice melt and watered down the coffee. The desserts were also soft and sticky from waiting too long.

“I forgot about it,” he admitted. Soobin hummed, but Yeonjun could tell by the tone of his voice that he was disappointed with his response.

“I'll order something for both of us to eat, then. You need to take care of yourself, hyung.”

“I don't want to eat.”

This made Soobin turn and look at him incredulously. “Are you kidding me, hyung? You're going to get sick!”

“This is important, Soobin. I don't have the luxury of wasting time. I'm working, if you couldn't tell.”

“It can wait a few minutes.”

“No, it really can't.”

“Why are you being so difficult?”

Yeonjun was starting to get really irritated. He was just trying to do his job. Soobin was the one making things difficult!

“Me? It’s because you keep pestering me!”

“If you didn’t keep giving me short, half-assed answers, maybe I wouldn’t need to pester you!”

Yeonjun took a deep breath and tried to talk with a calm voice, but his annoyance was seeping into his words. “Why don't you just leave me alone? All you do is waste my time.”

“I'm trying to help you!”

“And who wanted your help?” Yeonjun narrowed his eyes. “Don’t act like I’m a damsel in distress and you are my knight in shining armor. Do you like it when I need you or something? Does playing the hero boost your ego? Stop bothering me already! ‘eat this Yeonjun, drink this Yeonjun, get up Yeonjun, look at me Yeonjun, answer me Yeonjun’. You know what? I don't need you to take care of me!”

Yeonjun knew he was hurting Soobin. He could see it in his face — his tense jaw, deep breaths, and trembling lips gave everything away. He would know, he knew Soobin more than anyone in this world. But Soobin's hardening eyes made him swallow the apology on the tip of his tongue.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” Soobin snapped. “You’ve been so annoying for what — days, weeks? I'm trying to be understanding, to not argue with you, to make you happy. But all you do is snub me and dodge me. You don't answer your phones, you don't talk to me, and when you talk, all you do is make us tense. And now? You're going too far. Calm down before we hurt each other more.”

Yeonjun knew he was being unfair; he knew his boyfriend was just trying to look after him. But couldn’t he just let him do things at his own pace? Was it too much to ask for, to ask to be left alone?

“I just want you to leave me alone, Soobin. Stop following me around like an attention-seeking puppy, and stop telling me what to do!”

“Fine! Maybe I'll do that!” Soobin yelled, flailing his hand in anger.

Yeonjun watched in slow motion as the coffee spilled over the documents — Soobin's hand knocking the cup down.

Soobin's anger vanished in an instant, his eyes widening in fear as he stared into Yeonjun's blank eyes.

“Hyung…”

“Great.” Yeonjun started to laugh in anger. “Just what I need.”

Soobin took a napkin and tried to wipe the coffee, but Yeonjun's almost-growl made him stop in his tracks. “Don't fucking touch anything!”

“I- I was trying to fix it…”

“You wouldn't need to fix anything if you didn't fuck everything up in the first place!”

Soobin's voice wavered as he slowly got up. “You're being unfair, hyung. I didn't do it on purpose.”

“Yeah? You always say that, making a mistake and never owning it, always justifying yourself.” He shook his head. “Admit it, you can’t do anything right.”

“I won’t let you disrespect me like that, Yeonjun,” Soobin said, his jaw tense and eyes narrowed in anger. Yeonjun rarely heard him dropping the honorifics. “I made a mistake, and I apologized. You’re crossing the line. I’m going to leave if you keep this up.”

“Then leave. Maybe my life will be better without you,” Yeonjun blurted out, words leaving his lips without thinking.

He heard a gasp stuck in Soobin's throat. His eyes were shining with tears like broken glass, trembling fingers curling into a fist to ground himself.

And Yeonjun belatedly realized, I'm going too far.

“You don't mean it.” Soobin's voice was shaky as he spoke, coming closer to Yeonjun with a small step. “Tell me you don't mean it.”

But I can't make myself stop.

“Just… Get out, Soobin. I really don't want to see you right now.”

Soobin stumbled backward like he was burned. His eyes searched for something in Yeonjun’s face, he didn’t know what, but he apparently couldn’t find what he was looking for. He hastily grabbed his car keys from the counter before wiping his eyes and left the house quietly.

Yeonjun collapsed onto the chair. He didn’t even remember standing up in the first place. He had no idea how things had escalated so quickly, but he was mentally exhausted. Arguing with his boyfriend was the cherry on top of this terrible day. He scowled and rubbed his eyes.

I can apologize when he returns, he reasoned. He didn’t want to call him. Soobin had a valid point — he really needed to calm down. Because even though he knew Soobin was right and he was cruel, he couldn’t help but keep feeling angry about it. So, with a sour expression, he started to collect the remaining papers and looked at what he could save from the mess.

×

The sound of his phone startled Yeonjun awake. His mind had no recollection of sleeping, but his body had apparently won the battle against his mind. He must have been extremely tired to fall asleep on the kitchen table, of all places. He blinked slowly, attempting to regain consciousness.

The house was eerily silent. Soobin was still not at home, it seemed. This made him uneasy, but before he could call him to ask about his whereabouts, his phone pinged again.

Right, the phone woke him up. Wincing, he stood up and tried to find his phone in his messy bag. When his hand finally touched it, he took it and opened the lock screen, shielding his eyes from the bright light.

[ Gyu: Hyung, can you check your email? I sent you a document. (06:22 a.m.) ]

[ Me: Why are you working at this hour? (06:24 a.m.) ]

[ Gyu: I couldn’t sleep. (06:25 a.m.) ]

[ Me: Wait a second, I’ll turn on my laptop. (06:25 a.m.) ]

His laptop was shut down because it ran out of battery, so he plugged in the charger and turned it on again. He drummed his fingers on the table as he waited. He stole a glance at his phone, thinking whether he should call Soobin or not.

He knew what he said last night was harsh, but no one had left the house after a fight during their five-year relationship before. After resting and thinking back on their fight, his anger and irritation left their place to regret and worry. He took his phone and messaged Beomgyu.

[ Me: Beomgyu, is Soobin with you? (06:32 am) ]

[ Gyu: ?? (06:32 am) ]

[ Me: I just… Can you tell him I’m sorry? And that we need to talk? (06:33 am) ]

[ Gyu: Hyung, I don’t know what you’re talking about (06:33 am) ]

Yeonjun furrowed his eyebrows at Beomgyu’s text and decided to call him.

“Hyung?”

“Gyu, I know you’re trying to protect your best friend, but can you at least tell me if he’s okay or not?”

“Yeonjun hyung, you’re worrying me.” Beomgyu’s voice was concerned. “I already told you I don’t know about it.”

“So he didn’t come to you last night? He would’ve at least called you. Now I’m really worried.”

“Hyung—”

“He just… left the house and I haven’t heard from him since.”

“Hyung,” Beomgyu interrupted Yeonjun’s anxious ramble. “Since when do you live with someone? And why would that someone call me?”

Yeonjun pulled the phone away from his ear to check if he was really talking to Beomgyu.

“Come on now, Gyu,” Yeonjun scoffed in disbelief. “Is this a joke to you? Are you trying to teach me a lesson? You can’t act like Soobin doesn’t exist just because we fought. I know I said some bad things but—”

“Hyung, I think you had a dream,” Beomgyu said. “Or you have a mysterious boyfriend I don’t know about.”

“Unbelievable,” Yeonjun let out an empty laugh. “Soobin must’ve put you in this prank. Tell him I wait for him at home.”

“Hyung—”

Yeonjun hung up the phone. He had to find out if Soobin was okay, even if he didn’t want to see Yeonjun right now. He quickly dialed Kai’s phone and waited for him to pick up, not caring about the time. This was important. There was something heavy on his chest that he couldn’t shake off.

“Hyung? Is everything okay?” Kai’s voice was deep with sleep.

“Kai-yah, sorry I woke you up, but it’s urgent. Do you know where Soobin is? Beomgyu doesn’t tell me anything, and I think Soobin’s with him, but still—”

“Calm down, hyung,” he interrupted him. “First of all, I don’t know who this Soobin guy is. And I talked with Beomgyu hyung all night, so I don’t think he’s hiding something either.”

“You too? Come on, Kai, you’re better than that,” Yeonjun said with a shaky voice. He was about to cry. Why were his friends doing this to him? Couldn’t they hear how worried he was?

“Hyung, I’m sorry but I can’t help you with this. You don’t sound okay, do you want me to come?”

Yeonjun ended the call without responding and took a deep breath. A prank — they were playing a prank on him. And he hated it. It was cruel, how could they hide Soobin from him?

He called Taehyun as his last resort. If he acted like the others, he would drive to their homes to take Soobin. Whether they liked it or not.

“Yeonjun hyung?” he answered with a breathy and tired voice. There were car sounds in the background — he was probably out for jogging.

“Tell me how Soobin is,” Yeonjun pleaded. “Gyu and Kai don’t tell me, and I’m about to lose my mind from worry, and—”

“Hyung, who is Soobin?” Taehyun asked with a confused voice.

“Are you fucking serious?!” Yeonjun yelled and hung up. He wiped his tears of anger and took his car keys.

He wasn’t going to let his boyfriend ignore him. He was going to bring him back to their home.

×

“Open the door, Beomgyu!” Yeonjun yelled as he knocked on the door. His fingers were curled into angry fists, joints white from clenching too hard.

“Yeonjun hyung?” Beomgyu opened the door with a puzzled expression, but Yeonjun didn’t look at him. He pushed his friend aside and entered the home.

“Soobin, where are you? Come out!”

“Hyung! What the hell are you doing!?” Beomgyu ran after him with an angry gaze and grabbed his arm. “First, you questioned me and accused me of lying. And now you’re barging into my house without even explaining anything! What’s happening?”

“Beomgyu,” Yeonjun said with a trembling voice. “I need to see him, please.”

“I don’t know where he is, why don’t you call him?” Beomgyu asked, changing tactics. Yeonjun looked so lost and small, his eyes shining with unshed tears. Talking to him was a lost cause.

“I- I didn’t call him because I thought he was here and ignoring me…” Yeonjun sniffled. “I feel so stupid, you’re right. I should call him.”

He opened his phone with quick hands, but after a few minutes, his face turned into confusion and despair.

“Where is his number? Where are our photographs? They’re not here!” Yeonjun looked at Beomgyu with teary eyes. “Beomgyu, they are gone! Where are they? Where is he?” He started to go through his phone again in desperation, his fingers moving clumsily on the screen as he searched for them.

Beomgyu watched his friend’s effort with sad yet confused eyes. He didn’t know what was happening. Who was this guy Yeonjun kept talking about? Where was he? Was Yeonjun sick or had a bad dream? He wanted answers, but he knew Yeonjun was unable to give them right now.

He reached to touch Yeonjun’s shoulder. “Hyung, why don’t you sit down for a bit and take a breath, hm? I’ll bring you a glass of water.”

“No, I—”

“Let’s go.” Beomgyu held his arm and guided him to the couch, ignoring his struggles to pull his arm back. He couldn’t let him out of his sight in this state. Yeonjun was worrying him so much.

After making sure he convinced Yeonjun to stay for a bit, he went to the kitchen to bring him something to drink. While he boiled water for chamomile tea, he slowly took his phone out and messaged his friends, his teeth biting into his lower lip in distress.

[ Me: Guys, Yeonjun hyung is in my house right now (07:26 am) ]

[ Me: And he looks like he’s about to lose his mind (07:26 am) ]

[ Me: He’s searching for someone named Soobin, does it ring a bell? (07:27 am) ]

[ Tyun: He asked me about him too (07:28 am) ]

[ Kai: He called me too (07:28 am) ]

[ Kai: I think we should come and talk to him, there’s something wrong (07:28 am) ]

[ Tyun: I’m on my way (07:29 am) ]

[ Me: I’m waiting (07:29 am) ]

“Hyung, can you talk to us?” Taehyun asked as he kneeled in front of the couch Yeonjun was sitting on. Yeonjun’s eyes were empty as he hugged his knees, his fingers clutching his phone like it was a lifeline.

“I don’t understand,” Yeonjun mumbled absentmindedly. “He was with me yesterday, now he’s gone. He just vanished. And you act like you don’t know him.” He turned his eyes to his friends. “Am I going crazy?”

“Hyung, you’re burning up,” Beomgyu said as he put a warm cup of tea on the table, his voice restless. “I don’t want to dismiss your worries, trust me. Especially if a person’s safety is on the line. But, are you sure he’s not a hallucination or something? A side effect of your sickness? Maybe we should go to a hospital.”

“We’ll look for Soobin. Why don’t you rest in the meantime, hm? You need to get better.”

Beomgyu and Taehyun turned to Kai with wide eyes after his suggestion, but Yeonjun’s relief-filled eyes prevented them from objecting.

“Please bring him back to me. I need to apologize to him,” Yeonjun said with a hopeful voice, his body worn out with sickness and stress.

“Let’s get you to bed,” Taehyun mumbled as he held him by his arms and took him to the guest room. When they were out of sight, Beomgyu turned to Kai and stared at him in disbelief.

“Why did you tell Yeonjun we would search for Soobin? We don’t even know who we’re looking for!”

“Hyung, it’s clear that Yeonjun hyung is sick. He probably saw him in his dream and now got confused, don’t you see how he looks so out of it? Maybe we can at least find that person and show him he’s okay. Then he can relax.”

“Or maybe we should take him to hospital and wait for him to get better! You’re not thinking clearly, Kai.”

“Does he even know someone named Soobin?” Taehyun asked from the entrance of the room. He sounded confused as he walked in and sat on the couch previously occupied by Yeonjun.

“I don’t know, maybe he’s someone from work?” Kai suggested, his voice losing its spark now that he realized the significance of his words — an empty promise they wouldn’t be able to keep.

“There was a Soobin in my class at university, but I don’t think Yeonjun hyung ever met him,” Beomgyu said. “Other than that, I honestly don’t know who to look for. I still think we should take him to the hospital.”

Yeonjun listened to his friends’ argument behind the door. He thought he would catch them talking about Soobin’s whereabouts, but it looked like they really didn’t know him.

Dread spread into his chest, into his whole body. It made him numb with helplessness, squeezing his heart so badly he thought it would burst out. He lowered his head and stared at his phone — at his empty photo albums, at the lack of Soobin’s number…

He didn’t know how, but somehow he was in this universe where Soobin wasn’t in his life. Was he stuck in a nightmare? Was it because of what he said last night? Was someone trying to punish him? Or I’m losing my mind.

He wasn’t sure which option was the worst.

But he knew one thing; he was going to do everything to find Soobin and bring him back to his life. Even if he had to do it alone.

×

“Hyung, do you feel a little better?” Beomgyu asked as he gently sat down at the bedside, his hand hesitating to touch him.

Yeonjun opened his eyes slowly and looked at the white ceiling. His body hurt like hell — his skin was sensitive to touch, and he felt like his head was going to explode from a headache. He turned his eyes to look around and made a confused noise.

“Where am I?”

“At the hospital,” Beomgyu answered. “We found you passed out on the doorstep. You freaked us out so much, hyung. We didn’t know what to do.” He touched his forehead with the back of his hand and nodded relievedly. “Thankfully your fever went down.”

“Ah, I don’t remember much,” Yeonjun said, his voice cracked from dryness. “I just remember looking at my phone, and then…”

“We didn’t even hear you get out of bed. What were you doing up?”

I was trying to listen to you. “I was thirsty,” he said instead.

“I knew you needed to get to the hospital. Your fever was so high to take care of you at home. I wish we had come earlier.” He sighed, “At least you’re okay now.”

Am I? “I guess,” he shrugged. “My head is killing me, though.”

“It will pass, don’t worry. Do you want me to ask for some painkillers?”

“Yes, please,” Yeonjun nodded. But before Beomgyu could get up from the hospital bed, his hand shot up and grabbed Beomgyu’s arm. “Gyu, about morning…”

“The doctor said you might’ve been hallucinating because of the fever,” Beomgyu interrupted him, his brows furrowed nervously. He played with his fingers as he waited for his reaction. “I thought you would like to know.”

Was Soobin really a hallucination? A part of his imagination? This was the logical explanation — the one that could make him relieved and continue his life as if nothing had happened. It would make his friends’ life easier. It would prevent him from going crazy.

But Soobin was too real for him to be an imagination. His warm skin under his fingertips was real. His deep voice laughing at his stupid jokes was real. His soft eyes looking at him like he hung up the stars were real. His big hands, his delicate heart, his safe embrace… Their love was real.

If he is real, where is he?

Yeonjun ignored the daunting thought and forced a smile. Refusing to believe Beomgyu and insisting on Soobin being real would do him no good.

“I figured,” he said, the lie falling easily from his lips. “I just wanted to apologize for worrying you, and the guys. It just felt… so real.”

Beomgyu let out a relieved sigh like a heavy weight lifted off his shoulders and patted his arm with a genuine smile. He must’ve been worried about his friend losing his mind. “It’s okay, hyung. As long as you’re okay.” He turned to look at the hospital staff. “I should go find someone to check up on you. Kai and Tyun are also outside. We were waiting for you to wake up.”

“Okay,” Yeonjun said and closed his eyes. His mind was reeling with endless thoughts. What should I do, where should I go, would it be hard to find him? Is he really real?

“You look much better,” a new voice disrupted his thoughts and he opened his eyes to look at the source. A small woman, probably in her fifties, smiled at him as she checked on his IV drip and gave him a painkiller shot. “Your friends were really worried about you.”

Yeonjun gave her a tight-lipped smile. “I guess I should take them out to dinner for making them worry.”

“You can,” she shrugged and continued to write her report in his file. “But you should heal first. I’m sure they’ll be happier this way.” She closed the file. “Do you need anything else? I gave you the painkiller. It will kick in soon.”

“No, thank you,” he politely answered. His head was getting clearer. “When can I leave?”

“As soon as your IV drip is finished. I’ll let your friends know. You should focus on resting.”

“Okay,” he whispered. His eyes closed involuntarily. It would take a while before he could leave, so he chose to rest as much as he could before going home.

He had things to do.

×

“Are you sure staying alone is a good idea?” Kai asked, his eyebrows furrowed in concern. “You can stay with one of us, or we can stay with you?”

“I’m okay,” Yeonjun smiled. “I feel so much better. Thanks for asking.”

Taehyun patted his head like he was a small child. “Don’t tire yourself and rest, okay? We will check up on you tomorrow.”

“Okay, guys. Don’t worry about me and go.”

They shared a look and waved at Yeonjun before leaving his building. When they were out of sight, Yeonjun dropped his smile and sighed. His body felt better, that was right. But his mind was all over the place.

He stared at his apartment door. He couldn’t bring himself to touch his keys and unlock the door. But what other choice did he have? He moved his fingers a few times before opening his bag to take out his key chain.

The house was silent, the air heavy and wrong. He dropped his bag in front of the entrance and walked in slowly. Now that he wasn’t panicking, he could see the decorations were quite different.

He passed the kitchen table, ignoring his laptop and documents, and opened the cabinet. Soobin’s favorite mug wasn’t there. He didn’t know what he was expecting, but it still hit him. He closed the cabinet doors and hurried to the living room.

Soobin’s plants were gone. The fluffy blanket he loved so much was gone. His small figurines were gone. He harshly rubbed his face to prevent his tears from falling. He didn’t want to cry, he just wanted to understand.

His steps slowly took him to their (his?) bedroom. His hand hovered over the doorhandle, afraid to see what was inside. But he couldn’t escape. If he wanted to escape this reality, he needed to face his fears. He grabbed the handle and pushed the door.

It still devastated him. Soobin’s clothes were nowhere to be seen. The little plushie he got from Kai wasn’t sitting on their bed. His skincare products weren’t lying messily on the make-up table. But the worst was the lack of his scent.

Their bedroom was always a sanctuary for Yeonjun. Lying in his soft bedsheets, embraced by his lover, wrapped in his scent, was the best part of his days. Now the bedroom only smelled like the cheap air freshener he bought from the market, not a trace of Soobin’s warm vanilla scent.

Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Everything felt wrong.

He broke down. He didn’t know how he had lasted so long, but seeing Soobin’s traces gone ruined something in him. He fell on his knees and sobbed his heart out.

Gone. Soobin is gone. I lost him.

He lost track of time, his tears never drying as he heaved in agony. He could see the sky darkening behind the curtains, the lack of sunlight painting the room dark blue. The light from street lamps was not enough to illuminate his surroundings, but it was enough for him to see the shape of furniture.

He slowly got up and went to the bathroom. Trying to ignore the mirror was futile, so he stared into the empty eyes of his reflection.

His face was pale, cheeks sunken in distress. The area around his eyes was stinging from crying; red, tender, and puffy. He sighed and turned back to the room.

Getting under the sheets was hard. He put his head down and gently touched Soobin’s side. Cold and tidy, smelling of the laundry detergent. Empty.

He didn’t know he could cry that much, but his eyes were shedding tears before he could stop them.

He took the other pillow and hugged it. It didn’t make him feel better, but it was better than nothing. Closing his eyes felt like a chore, but he needed to escape. His body couldn’t handle this much stress.

His thoughts were relentless. They tortured him, ripped him apart, carved a hole in his chest. But one of them was much worse than the others. One he couldn’t avoid, no matter how hard tried. One he regretted with his whole being.

I, he thought as he wiped his tears with the back of his hand. I didn’t apologize.

×

“Yes, I’m okay. Yes, I had breakfast. No, I’m not tiring myself. Can you calm down?” Yeonjun said quietly. Taehyun’s rambling was worsening his headache. He appreciated the concern, but he could only listen to Taehyun’s constant talking for so long before he felt the urge to hang up the phone.

“Okay, okay, sorry. I’m just worried about you.”

“I know, thanks for checking up on me. But I’m okay. I’ll just sleep a bit more and I’ll be good as new by tomorrow.”

“You better be,” Taehyun hummed, a pleased sound confirming he liked Yeonjun’s response. “Then I won’t keep you long. Don’t forget to drink water, okay?”

“Okay, dad,” Yeonjun answered with a tired but slightly fond voice and hung up. He was thankful to have his friends by his side. He didn’t know what he would do if he was alone in this reality. The thought made his small smile fade as he stared at his phone’s black screen.

To tell the truth, all he said to Taehyun was a huge lie. He wasn’t okay, not even a little. He felt awful, tired, and hungry. But the idea of eating something made him grimace. He could only stomach a small cup of coffee and a painkiller without feeling nauseous. Taehyun would be so mad if he knew, but Yeonjun didn’t have any plans to tell him. He had research to do anyway.

He unlocked his phone again and dialed Soobin’s number from his memory — he knew every digit by heart. Not having it on his phone wasn’t an obstacle for him.

But his anxiety was. His trembling finger hovered over the call button, so afraid of calling and not hearing his lover’s deep voice. He needed the assurance of him being real. Even if he wasn’t in his life, he needed to be out there. Yeonjun wasn’t sure what he would do if he lived in a universe where Choi Soobin didn’t exist — a universe where there was no chance to get him back.

He tapped the button hastily and put the phone to his ear. The long ringing made him nervous, his throat dry with anxiety. He kept picking his nails while waiting for the call to be answered, the seconds felt like years as he bit his lips. Please, please, please let it be him.

“Hello?”

He didn’t know what he was expecting, but hearing a stranger’s voice answering his boyfriend’s number still made his heart drop. No, no, no, no—

“Hello? Is anyone there?” the voice asked, interrupting his panic. A man, probably old, with a scratchy voice. Not my Soobin.

He hung up without saying a word and took a deep breath to prevent his tears from falling. It was too early to cry. “I knew it wasn’t going to be this easy,” he talked to himself, trying to console his heart. “It’s okay. I can find another way.”

He checked the time and got up from the couch he had been sitting on since morning. His muscles screamed at him as he stretched, all tense and aching from his sickness and the stiff way he had been sitting. It was the last of his concerns as he took his car keys from the table and put on his jacket.

Leaving home made him feel a bit better — at least better than staying in the confines of their house without Soobin’s presence. He zipped up his jacket as the cold wind hit his face and hurried his steps toward his car. After turning on the heater and putting the address on the navigation, he was ready to leave. He texted his friends to not bother him while he slept and then silenced his phone before starting the car. The trip would take at least 2 hours, but he had to go. He needed to make sure.

The road he was taking was familiar to him. He would pass this way at least once a month — with Soobin in the passenger seat, their favorite playlist on, screaming their hearts out as they sing along to the songs…

Now he was alone, driving in silence without a smile on his face. The ghost of his lover was mocking him from the empty space. He curled his fingers around the steering wheel a little tighter and prayed that this trip would end with his happiness. He wasn’t confident about it, but all he could do was hope.

×

Yeonjun parked the car on the side of the road and stopped it. The neighborhood was calm at this hour, people resting in their homes or going somewhere else to have fun in their free time. Everything else was the same — the big tree in the corner of the street, the bookstore Soobin loved so much, the non-functioning street lamps… Yeonjun hoped the residents were the same too.

He took a deep breath and stepped out of the car, his steps stiff from not moving too long. He knew where to go, which house was a home for his boyfriend for years before he started college. Seeing it didn’t ease his anxiety. He already knew he would go back empty-handed when he didn’t see the swing Soobin loved so much in their backyard. The kennel their dog was living absent from its place.

But he had to see with his own eyes to make sure he had at least tried.

Knocking on the door with his clenched fist was nerve-wracking, and waiting for it to open even more so.

“I’m coming!” a high-pitched voice echoed from the inside, and after a few seconds, a woman entered his line of sight. She was holding a baby in her arms, her hair messy and long. Her thin arms were protectively wrapped around her baby at the sight of the unknown man at her doorstep, but Yeonjun must’ve looked bad because the cautiousness on her face was replaced with concern.

Yeonjun cleared his throat and averted his eyes. “Hi, I’m sorry to bother you. I was looking for… Choi Soobin.”

“Choi Soobin?” She furrowed her brows as she thought about it, then shook her head. “I don’t know him. I heard there was a Choi family here before we bought it, but it was five years ago. I’m sorry, but I don’t know how to help you.”

“No, it’s okay. Sorry for taking your time.” Yeonjun bowed with a forced smile on his face.

She seemed like she wanted to say something, but whatever it was, she must’ve decided it wasn’t worth it because all she did was nod and close the door.

Yeonjun left the house with shaky steps, but he didn’t stop at his car. His feet led him to the beach, where he and Soobin spent so much time whenever they came here to visit Soobin’s family.

He took off his shoes when he heard the waves, the sand cold under his feet. It was mostly empty aside from a group of teenagers, and he ignored them as he moved closer to the sea like he was in a trance. When he felt the water licking his skin, he stopped and sat down, not caring about getting his clothes wet.

This was their favorite spot. He was alone.

He closed his eyes and reminisced their memories. If he focused enough, he could almost hear his Soobin’s sweet voice echoing in the waves.

Soobin would run toward him with the biggest smile on his face, his clothes wet with the splashes of sea water, colorful rocks in his big palm. He always loved collecting those, there was a big box under their bed full of them.

Then Yeonjun would grab his arm and pull him toward his lap, his arms full of Soobin. He would listen to his boyfriend’s giggles as he blew raspberries on his skin, the scent of the ocean mixed with vanilla filling his lungs.

Yeonjun opened his eyes to look at the vast ocean, and he ached. Because his darling was not in his arms, and he wasn’t hearing his sweet giggles, and his heart was burning with yearning. He longed to touch him again, to pull him in his embrace and never let go, to feel him under his skin.

But he was alone, and he didn’t know how much he could take before all his hopes faded and everything around him fell to ruins.

×

“Hyung, you should come to my house tonight. Tyun and Kai are coming too, let’s have a movie night,” Beomgyu said before he grabbed his chopsticks and stuffed rice in his mouth. “We haven’t seen you lately, and we are working at the same company. We missed you.”

Yeonjun gave a small smile at Beomgyu’s words, his hands busy with playing the food on his plate. He didn’t want him to know that all he had done for the last two weeks was cry, search for Soobin on the internet, on his company, anywhere he could think of, and overwork himself to exhaustion.

“You know I’m busy with work,” he chose to say. “I told you I procrastinated my work for the project. Now I have to finish them on top of the extra work piling up.”

Beomgyu grimaced and patted his arm with an understanding gaze. “Then it’s better! You can finally relax after a whole week of work. You don’t plan to work at home, do you?”

He didn’t. He was working overtime at the company to take his mind off Soobin, and when he went home, all exhausted and bitter, he was going straight to sleep. He didn’t want to think about him, but Soobin’s ghost was haunting him. And no matter what he did, he couldn’t escape the pain he was feeling.

Maybe he needed to spend more time with his friends rather than staying alone and slowly going numb.

“No, I don’t. I’ll be there at 8. Do you want me to bring something?”

“Just yourself,” Beomgyu grinned, pleased with Yeonjun’s words. “I already prepared our snacks, it’s going to be so fun!”

When Yeonjun knocked at the door at exactly 8 p.m., Taehyun welcomed him with a big smile and softly sighed at the small pastry box in Yeonjun’s hands.

“It’s rude to show up empty-handed at someone’s house, hyung! Even if it’s our best friends.” Yeonjun would always laugh at Soobin’s words, but he still would buy a small box of dessert every time they’d go. He didn’t know if Soobin had realized that Yeonjun was buying his favorite pastries, but he didn’t care as long as it made Soobin happy.

Habits, he thought to himself as he put the box on the kitchen counter. Soobin would give him a proud smile if he were here.

“Just in time,” Beomgyu yelled from the living room. “Kai’s about to select the most boring movie ever. Please save us!”

“Animes are not boring, hyung,” Kai pouted, his lips curling downward in feigned anger. “If only I had someone who understood me.”

Yeonjun felt a pang in his heart, and slowly realized that even though his friends didn’t know about Soobin, they were affected all the same.

Because Kai didn’t have his friend who shared the same interests as him, Beomgyu didn’t have his best friend with him, and Taehyun didn’t have someone to seek advice from as he did with Soobin. Because Soobin was a part of their five-people family, and they were all missing someone who they held so dear to their hearts.

Yeonjun didn’t know if it was better to miss someone you lost or miss someone you don’t even know, forever wondering why your heart feels empty.

At least I know how Soobin’s love feels.

“I’m okay with whatever you choose,” he shrugged and threw himself on the couch, avoiding the red beanbag where Soobin always sat.

“Really?” Kai’s eyes shined with gratitude as he put the anime on while Beomgyu was looking at him with disbelief in his eyes.

“I didn’t know you loved anime.”

He didn’t, but he wanted to be better for Kai in Soobin’s absence.

“Just let him be,” he pointed to Kai who was shaking with too much energy as he sat on the carpet, waiting for the intro to finish. “Look how happy he is.”

Beomgyu deflated when he saw his friend and gave Yeonjun a small smile. “Fine, you won this. But next time I’m choosing.”

“What do you want to do now?” Beomgyu said when the last episode finished, his eyes glued to the screen after the cliffhanger. Yeonjun knew he was never going to admit he liked it, even though he watched ten episodes back to back without complaining.

“What about sleeping? It’s late,” Taehyun said, his eyes barely open.

“That’s boring,” Beomgyu sulked. “So I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear you. What about you, Yeonjun hyung?”

“Me?” Yeonjun looked around as he thought, and then his eyes caught something. “Let’s look at our old photos.”

“Nostalgia night, huh?” Beomgyu smiled as he got up to grab his photo albums. “Count me in.”

Taehyun looked more awake as he came and sat next to Yeonjun, Kai was already waiting eagerly.

“Here they are,” Beomgyu put the two albums on the small coffee table. One for their university memories, one for their silly moments.

Beomgyu grabbed the one with the red cover and opened it, his eyes already wide at the first photo. “Oh my god, I always forget how small we all looked.”

“Yeah, look at Kai,” Taehyun grinned. “He looks like he’s 14 here.”

“Hey! I didn’t look that young,” Kai pouted, knowing that Taehyun was right. He was going to deny it ‘till the day he died.

They continued bickering as they examined the photos and reminisced the memories, but all Yeonjun could focus on was the lack of Soobin. Soobin was always there with them — when they graduated, when they went to the beach in winter and got sick together, when they went to Japan for a two-day trip…

But he wasn’t in the photos, none of them. It was just the four of them, smiling brightly at the camera as if nothing could make them sad. Yeonjun tried to imagine Soobin was the one who took the photos to avoid crying. Soobin’s absence from their precious memories was too much to handle.

“Look here!” Beomgyu yelled, disrupting Yeonjun’s depressed thoughts. “This was with my class. Our professor was getting retired, so all the class came to school that day to send him off.”

Yeonjun stared at the young faces with uninterested eyes until his eyes caught something that made his heart stop.

“Who is that?” He put his shaky finger on someone’s face, waiting for an answer. Are you my Soobin? Are you real?

Beomgyu stared at the face for a few seconds before his eyes lightened in recognition. “Oh, this is Choi Soobin. He was in my department until his third year. Then he got transferred to another university abroad. He was pretty cool and funny. I wish I hadn’t lost contact with him.”

Yeonjun stared at his face a little too long. Seeing it for real instead of imagining it was taking his breath away.

His third year, he thought. It was when we met. Is this why he’s not with me? Because he left even before we met?

“Did you know him, hyung?” Taehyun asked, looking at him suspiciously. Maybe Beomgyu didn’t catch on, but he clearly remembered Yeonjun’s breakdown about someone named Soobin.

“Me? No,” Yeonjun said, waving his hand to avoid Taehyun’s questions. “I thought he looked like someone I know.”

“If you say so,” he heard Taehyun’s mumble, but he ignored it. His heart was pounding, the seeds of hope already blooming in his chest. Did he come back after graduating? Maybe he had a chance to see him again. Maybe he could fix all this mess and go back to his real life.

“Too bad he stayed there,” Beomgyu continued, immediately crushing Yeonjun’s hopes with each word without realizing it. “He was on top of his department, companies would snatch him so fast if he were here.” He shrugged. “But I’m sure he already got a nice job and settled down there.”

Yeonjun froze at Beomgyu’s words, a new thought, a thought he never considered before, taking over his mind like a poison.

Settle down? Did he have a family? Someone he loves?

All his joy from seeing Soobin’s face vanished in an instant, leaving its place to anguish and sorrow. Yeonjun bit his lips to prevent his tears from falling.

But… what about me?

×

(“Hyung, how much coffee did you drink today? I’m scared that you’ll get a caffeine overdose,” Beomgyu said, his lips turned downward in concern. He was walking to the library with Yeonjun, his bag heavy on his shoulder.

“Don’t exaggerate, Gyu,” Yeonjun rolled his eyes, swirling the tall cup in his hand before taking a sip. “I don’t drink that much coffee.”

“Yeah, I don’t think your body agrees with you,” Beomgyu shook his head and cast him a glance. “Why don’t you just take a nap instead of overloading your body with stress?”

Yeonjun scowled. “As if I have time for that. The exams are next week, I don’t have time.”

“Your fault for not studying until the last moment. Look at me, do I look overworked?”

“We don’t have the same schedule, you little shit. Your exams are still at least two weeks away.”

“Still,” Beomgyu grinned.

Yeonjun was about to hit his head when he saw someone from the corner of his eye. He stopped, turning his head in an instant so as not to lose sight of the stranger.

The first thing he noticed was that the boy was tall. Yeonjun was taller than most of the people in his university, but this boy looked even taller. He had a kind aura around him, his soft face combined with his small smile making him look extremely gentle. He was walking through the crowd with big steps, a heavy-looking pile of books in his arms.

Yeonjun didn’t know what made the boy so fascinating, but he was intrigued, extremely.

“Hyung?” he heard Beomgyu’s confused voice. “Why did you stop in the middle of the road?”

“Do you see the same thing as me, Gyu?”

“What do you see?”

“An angel.”

Beomgyu’s face paled. He quickly stepped in front of Yeonjun to examine him with anxious eyes. “Oh my god, did you really get caffeine poisoning or something? I was messing with you when I said that. Should I call an ambulance? How many fingers am I holding?”

Yeonjun turned his gaze toward Beomgyu and lowered his hand (he was holding three fingers) with an unimpressed look in his eyes. “Don’t be stupid, Gyu. I’m fine.” He raised his finger and pointed to the boy. “I’m talking about him.”

Beomgyu looked around in panic before seeing the boy Yeonjun was talking about. “Oh my god,” he rubbed his face in relief, then he hit Yeonjun’s arm. “What the fuck, hyung? I thought you were about to go to the other side or something.”

“You can’t get rid of me that easily,” Yeonjun grinned, amused at the sight of Beomgyu’s panic. It made something inside him soft to see his friend’s concern.

Beomgyu turned around again to look at the boy after he calmed down. He narrowed his eyes to examine him before staring at Yeonjun with big eyes. “Wait, are you talking about Soobin?”

“Soobin,” Yeonjun mumbled under his breath, loving the way it rolled off his tongue. “Do you know him?”

“He’s in my class,” Beomgyu said. A devilish grin took place on his face, his lips turning upwards as his eyes narrowed with mischief. He wiggled his eyebrows teasingly. “Let’s introduce you to him.”

Yeonjun’s eyes widened. “Wait, now? Gyu, I’m not ready! Look at me—”

But Beomgyu didn’t care about his rambling as he grabbed Yeonjun’s arm and dragged him toward Soobin, his steps fast as if he wanted to win a marathon.

“Soobin-ah!” he yelled, his grin leaving its place to a genuine smile as he waved to the boy.

Soobin turned around when he heard his name, and his smile got wider when he saw Beomgyu. He changed his way to them as he skipped through the crowd.

“Hi, Beomgyu. How are you doing?”

His voice was deep but soft, sounding like velvet. Yeonjun was pretty sure that it was the most beautiful sound on earth. Was everything about Soobin pretty?

“I’m fine. Just wanted to say hi,” Beomgyu responded, disrupting Yeonjun’s lovesick thoughts. He pulled Yeonjun forward like a parent showing off his kid and pointed at him. “This is Yeonjun. He’s one of my best friends.”

Yeonjun felt himself blush under Soobin’s gaze, his hands trying to fix his hair before giving Soobin a tight smile. “Hi.”

Soobin stared at him for a few seconds before giggling, his eyes turning crescent with the force of his smile, his dimples popping on both of his cheeks. “Hi! Nice to meet you.”

“Likewise,” Yeonjun cleared his throat. An awkward silence fell as they stared at each other, but when he felt Beomgyu’s punch on his back, he stepped forward and extended his arms. “Uh, do you want me to help?”

Soobin turned his gaze toward his books before giving him a shy smile. “I don’t want to trouble you—”

“I want to help,” Yeonjun interrupted Soobin’s sentence, his face red as he took some of the books from Soobin’s arms. “You won’t trouble me.”

“Thank you, then,” Soobin said, his cheeks pink as he turned his gaze to Beomgyu. “I, uh…”

“Oh, look at the time! I need to go!” Beomgyu grinned, patting Yeonjun’s shoulder in encouragement before waving at Soobin. “See you both later!”

They started to walk in silence when they got alone, both shy and awkward even though they wanted to talk. After they arrived at the library and left the books, Soobin turned to him with a grateful smile.

“Yeonjun-ssi, I—”

“Call me hyung,” Yeonjun interrupted him, surprised at his own words.

“Yeonjun hyung,” Soobin corrected himself, a giddy expression on his face. “Thank you for your help. Can I buy you a drink as a thank you?”

Yeonjun stared at Soobin with wide eyes before nodding like an excited puppy, his long black locks falling on his forehead messily. “Yeah! I mean, sure. Of course.”

He lowered his head in embarrassment and scratched his neck, but Soobin touched his jaw gently and lifted his head before tucking the hair strands behind his ear. “You’re so cute.”

“Me?”

“Who else?” Soobin giggled, then he extended his arm like a gentleman. “Let’s go, hyung.”

Yeonjun slowly took Soobin’s arm and wrapped his hands around his elbow, a sincere smile on his face. His stress and exams were long forgotten as they started to talk about themselves on their way to the cafe, their awkwardness disappearing as time passed. It was the best time they’ve both had in a long time.

Yeonjun was sure he was in love.)

×

“Yeonjun-ssi?”

Yeonjun raised his head from his computer to look at the owner of the voice. Mrs. Lee was staring at him with a serious expression.

“Yes?”

“Mr. Park is waiting for you in his room.”

He felt knots in his stomach when he heard his boss’ name, but he had no choice. He nodded and slowly got up, trying to delay his meeting as long as he could. Mrs. Lee gave him an unimpressed look as she fixed her glasses and turned back, escorting him to the boss’ office.

Yeonjun tried to think what could be wrong. He managed to submit the work he procrastinated, even if he had to pull all-nighters and live off of coffee and energy drinks. He did a good job at the last meeting, the higher-ups were happy with his presentation, and he wasn’t slacking off on anything.

He didn’t know what to expect, he had never been there before for a good reason. The last time he was there, his boss told him that he gave his project to someone else, and then—

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. There was no point in panicking, and if he had to be honest, he didn’t care about anything. Especially not about his job. The only reason he still got here every morning despite wanting to stay at home and cry was to keep himself busy, to not fall apart. At least he still had his friends.

When Mrs. Lee stopped and knocked on the door, they heard their boss’ voice, and then Yeonjun was alone with him as she closed the door behind him.

Yeonjun straightened up and clasped his hands in front of him.

“You wanted to see me?”

“Yes, Mr. Choi,” Mr. Park said, his eyes not leaving his computer. “Please take a seat.”

Yeonjun slowly moved and sat on one of the chairs. The room felt stuffy and dark as he waited for Mr. Park to talk, his hands nervously picking his nails.

After a few minutes that felt like an eternity, his boss turned his gaze toward him and leaned back in his chair, a pleased smile on his wrinkled face.

“I’m sure you want to know why you’re here.”

Yeonjun gulped and nodded, waiting to hear the reason. Am I fired? Did my supervisor find my work lacking? Did I—

“I had good reports about your work.”

Yeonjun stared at him with wide eyes. This was not what he expected, at all.

“And I wanted to reward you with an important assignment.”

Yeonjun sighed. Rewarding good work with even more work just sounded like his boss. But who was he to deny? He did nothing but work for the last three months anyway. He was becoming a workaholic. Or was he more depressed? It was probably both.

“Yes, sir?”

Mr. Park grabbed a file from his drawer and put it in front of him. Yeonjun took it and started to examine it as his boss started talking.

“We’re about to make a deal with a big company from abroad. It’s big. If we can manage to do it, the company’s shares and value will see the numbers it has never seen before.”

Yeonjun turned his gaze from the file to his boss, his hands already sweaty from the pressure even before he heard the words. “I want you to take it.”

“Are you sure?” Yeonjun couldn’t help but ask. This work seemed so important for someone of his rank. “I’m sure there are more capable people that can handle it better than I can.”

“I’m sure.” Mr. Park nodded. “Make this work. Then we can talk about your promotions. I think this is a pretty good deal, don’t you think?”

Yeonjun grimaced inside. He heard these words before, but where was he now? Stuck in the same position, working overtime with no social life. He lost his—

“Thank you for your offer, but I’m still not sure—”

“I’m not asking, Mr. Choi,” his boss said, his pleased smile gone. His brows were furrowed as he stared at him with unreadable eyes. “They’ll send a representative to make the deal. We’ll welcome and entertain them as long as we need. And you’re responsible for it. Am I clear?”

Yeonjun gritted his teeth. “Yes, sir.”

“Good,” Mr. Park nodded, his eyes turning to his computer once again. “I’ll send you the necessary information about our guest. You can leave now.”

Yeonjun nodded at the clear dismissal with a tense jaw and left the room, the file still in his hand. He felt agitated knowing how the last time went and how it completely messed up his life. He threw the file to his desk when he arrived at his office, his body already tired and stressed out. He could study the file and learn about the company, but he didn’t have the mental capacity for it, at least for now.

It was almost noon, so he rubbed his face and grabbed his jacket to go to Beomgyu’s department. He needed a breather.

“Hyung, that’s great news! Are you crazy?” Beomgyu stared at him with big eyes, his cheeks puffed with all the lunch he stuffed in his mouth. “Why do you look so mad at it? Do you know how many people want to be in your position right now? The promise of a promotion doesn’t come easy.”

Yeonjun sighed. He knew Beomgyu wouldn’t understand. Nobody would understand him, because they didn’t know. They didn’t know how he messed up and lost everything.

“I don’t know, Gyu. I’m already burnt out from all the work I’ve been doing. And I don’t really need it, you know? I’m okay in this position. I don’t spend much anyway.”

Beomgyu gave him a sympathetic smile as he patted his arm. “I know you’re tired. But hold on a little longer and do it, hm? Then you can relax and take it a little slow.” He took a sip from his drink. “And don’t tell me you don’t need it. You will, when you find someone and start living together. You won’t be alone forever, you know?”

But I will. I will be alone forever. Because I’m already in love with someone I can never have.

Yeonjun had no intention nor will to love someone else other than Soobin. He was going to love and mourn him until the day he died. His friends just didn’t know this yet.

He shrugged and took a bite from his lunch, his stomach churning at his thoughts. He was doing good. He could ignore the thought of him most of the time, his brain too exhausted to think about anything when he went home. He wasn’t crying every minute, and he could actually stomach more than coffee and water.

He was starting to learn to live with the ghost of his Soobin, his love forever gone. He was adapting. Accepting that this was his punishment for the words he never meant. Accepting that this was his new reality.

It had been three months, so why was this subject still coming up? Why did it take his progression back to step one, every time?

“Let’s go. We’re going to be late,” he murmured. He grabbed his tray and dragged his feet out of the cafeteria, his fingers white from clenching too hard.

If he saw Beomgyu’s unsure and concerned gaze, he chose to ignore it.

×

Yeonjun threw his bag on the floor and took a deep breath. He opened the windows to ventilate the house, wanting to get rid of the heavy air.

He didn’t want to eat anything, his appetite was gone. But his mother sent him a big box of homemade meals last week, and he didn’t have the heart to throw them away. He went to the kitchen with slow steps and opened the fridge, his eyes skimming through the small plastic boxes full of different meals. His fingers randomly grabbed a pink box and pulled it.

Soobin’s favorite. He would be so happy if he were here. He would clap his hands excitedly and text Yeonjun’s mom tons of hearts. But he wasn’t here, and Yeonjun couldn’t stand the sight of it. He put it in the freezer hastily, his little motivation to eat something gone.

He felt like everything was working against him today.

He dragged his steps to his bedroom to change his clothes. His eyes avoided the bed and he quickly pulled a sweater and sweatpants before running to the bathroom.

He was about to forget the feeling of sleeping in his bed, choosing to sleep on the couch every night. He didn’t have the heart to sleep in the bedroom alone — his thoughts were louder, his heart was weaker, and his demons were closer than ever. He felt lonelier.

Aside from the few nights he slept over at Beomgyu’s or Taehyun’s, the couch was his new sleeping spot.

He sat down after getting ready to sleep. He was restless, his chest tight with anxiety as he went through his day in his mind.

Today was bad. Worse than his last two weeks.

Today, everything felt more overbearing, more gray, lonelier. His chest ached more, his heart yearned more for something he could never have. His skin was burning with sensitiveness, even his clothes felt heavy.

Today, he missed Soobin a little more than ever. He longed to hear his voice, to feel his touch, to feel his breath on his neck.

He didn’t even have anything to remind him of Soobin. Not a photo, not a voice recording, nothing. On days like this, he was afraid of forgetting his lover more than ever. He could still imagine him vividly in his mind, but what about in ten years? Would he still remember him by then, if he could manage to live that long?

What would it be like to love someone you don’t remember? No sound, no face. Just his feelings, and his memories. He knew his heart wouldn’t be able to move on from Soobin. And he didn’t want to. Even though he knew it would only bring him pain, he wanted to love and treasure Soobin’s memory forever.

He bitterly laughed between his tears. Soobin was alive, he was out there somewhere. But Yeonjun was mourning him like he was dead.

But wasn’t he? Whoever was out there, he was not his Soobin, was he? He was someone else, someone who never met him, never loved him, never missed him. His Soobin was only in his mind, trapped, unable to go.

Yeonjun shook his head. Maybe he should’ve stolen that photograph from Beomgyu next time before he went crazy with all his thoughts.

He sighed and lay down. He didn’t wipe his tears, letting them fall silently.

“Good night, Soobin-ah,” he murmured into the silence. “Wherever you are.”

Nobody answered.

Today was bad.

He hoped that tomorrow was a little better.

×

Yeonjun opened his computer and checked his emails with tired eyes, still sleepy as he took a sip from his coffee.

He was at Beomgyu’s home last night, his friends invited him to play games like they did in university. It was fun, and it helped him to clear his head and get out of his gloomy mode a little, but it also made him come to work with only two hours of sleep. He felt cranky.

[ From: Company Yeonjun-ssi, this is the file about our guest I told you about. I hope you diligently read it and… ]

Yeonjun clicked out of the email before he even finished reading it. He had already forgotten about that, considering it was last week his boss talked to him. He thought the deal was off and didn’t even question it. Apparently, he was wrong.

He grimaced. He didn’t want to read anything about this work. When the guest came, whoever it was, he would welcome them, give them a tour of the company, and leave them to work. Making them sign the deal wasn’t his responsibility, it was not his department. His job was to make them comfortable and show them that their company was good enough to make a deal. He didn’t understand why he needed to learn about them. It was unnecessary to him, but there was nothing he could do.

He clicked on it again and downloaded the file.

When he opened it, all he found was a block of text about the guest. Their name, age, position in the company… There was no photograph, but Yeonjun thought he didn’t need one. He would see them three days later.

He started reading. He found out the guest was a man who was one year younger than him. His position and rank were impressive for a man for his age, Yeonjun would give him that. At least it would make everything easier, he always loved it when people knew what they were doing.

His eyes skipped to the man’s name with curious eyes, feeling strangely interested in the man. Steve Choi, he mumbled as he read it. Was he Korean as well? It was even better. Now he was more confident about this job, feeling comforted with the knowledge of he could communicate with him better. He noted his phone number and the hotel where he was going to stay. He carefully marked on his calendar the day Mr. Choi would arrive and added the hour he needed to meet him. It was easy enough.

Yeonjun sighed, pleased with the information, and opened the other file his boss gave him. Now that he started, he could read about the company and the deal’s details as well to see if there was anything that concerned him or something he needed to be careful about.

He took another sip from his now-cold coffee and started to turn the pages as he took notes.

×

“Yeah, I’m going to the hotel now,” Yeonjun said on the phone. He was sitting at the back of the car that was going to take their guest, biting his lips in stress. He was getting more nervous as they got closer to their destination. He didn’t want to ruin this. “The boss especially wanted me to get him and take him to the company. Talked about being a good host and leaving a good impression and all that.”

“You’re going to be okay,” Beomgyu reassured him, his tone soft and understanding. “Just make small talk, make him comfortable, and get him here. I’ll try to make time for you and see you too.”

“You’re amazing, Gyu,” Yeonjun sighed. Hearing his friend’s encouragement helped him. “I’d like a second person near me. What if he dislikes me or something?”

“Why would he?” Beomgyu sounded confused. “There is no reason for that. And if he does, for whatever reason, I think they would remain professional enough to sign the deal without throwing a tantrum like a child. If he comes here all the way from abroad, it means the deal is good for them too. Don’t worry too much.”

“Yeah, you’re right,” Yeonjun mumbled. The car turned around the corner and the hotel came into sight. “We’re about to arrive. Talk to you later.”

“Keep me updated,” Beomgyu said. Yeonjun murmured in agreement and hung up. He took a deep breath to calm himself.

“We’re here, sir.”

“Thank you. I’ll go and pick our guest up,” Yeonjun said to the driver before leaving the car. He heard the sound of the car driving away.

Let’s do this.

He straightened up and started walking to the entrance. The warmth hitting his face made him realize how cold the weather was. He was freezing even though he didn’t stand outside for more than one minute. He rubbed his hands to warm them as he walked toward the reception.

“Hello. I came here to pick up Steve Choi. My company said that they would inform you.”

The girl looked at the computer in front of her before smiling at him. “Of course, I’ll let him now.” She made a call and talked for a minute. When she ended the call, she pointed toward another hall. “He said he was in the dining hall, at the sixteenth table. Do you want me to find someone to accompany you?”

“No, please don’t bother. I’ll find my way. Thank you.”

He bowed and turned his way to the dining hall. When he entered, he found out it wasn’t that crowded. He felt a few eyes on him as he stared at the table numbers, but he didn’t mind it or the low chattering sounds.

“Eight, nine, ten…” he continued to check the numbers before his eyes fell on the sixteenth table, and his steps halted in the middle of the hall.

He felt the world slowing down as he stared at the man. His heart was pounding in his ears, and he had to force himself to prevent himself from turning back and running away.

The man was sitting on the chair as he stared at his phone, his raven hair falling on his forehead gently, his lips slightly pouty.

It wasn’t Steve Choi, no. It was Choi Soobin — his Soobin.

After all these hellish months, after all the tears he’s shed, he finally found him.

His mind and heart were fighting. His heart was screaming at him to run to his arms and cry, while his brain was telling him it wasn’t his Soobin, it was just a stranger.

But he couldn’t help himself as he stared at his face quietly, drinking the sight like a man in a desert. He missed him so much. So much.

He tentatively took a step closer to the table, and his lips uttered the name he loved so dearly.

“Soobin?”

The man, Soobin, raised his head with a confused gaze before his eyes caught the sight of Yeonjun. Yeonjun didn’t know how he looked, but it must not have been good because Soobin invited him to the table with a concerned expression.

“Yeonjun-ssi?”

Yeonjun nodded shakily and accepted the glass of water Soobin offered him. Soobin watched him with careful eyes before speaking in a soft tone.

“Are you sick? I wish you had rested, I could’ve come to the company by myself.”

“No, no!” Yeonjun objected with a loud voice. Then he cleared his throat with a blush, embarrassed at his high tone before continuing to talk softly. “I’m okay. It must be the cold weather. Don’t worry.”

Soobin eyed him suspiciously, but then dropped the subject with a kind smile. “That’s a relief, then. I wouldn’t want to trouble you.”

“Not at all,” Yeonjun tried to smile. “It’s perfectly okay.”

“Would you like to drink something before we leave?” Soobin asked, a hint of concern masked under his gentle eyes even after Yeonjun told him he was okay.

Yeonjun missed being the center of Soobin’s affection so much he could have cried. He would’ve, if his mind hadn’t kept telling him that this wasn’t his Soobin, that he didn’t know him, and that it was just a kind act.

“Maybe coffee?”

“Of course,” he nodded before waving to one of the waiters and telling him the order. Then he turned back and smiled. “It’ll be here shortly.”

Yeonjun nodded and averted his eyes to play with one of the napkins on the table. He wanted to watch him, to stare at his face all day long without blinking. But the sight of Soobin hurt his heart. Knowing that this Soobin didn’t love him, that this wasn’t his lover and he couldn’t hug him. Knowing that he couldn’t apologize, that he couldn’t take his words back and beg for forgiveness.

This Soobin didn’t know him. And his heart hurt with both longing and regret.

He heard Soobin clearing his throat. “I didn’t know the company would tell you my Korean name.”

Yeonjun raised his head in panic. He hadn’t even thought about that. “What?”

“You called me Soobin. It’s been a long time since I heard it. Everybody calls me Steve in America.”

“I’m so sorry. Did I make you uncomfortable?” Yeonjun winced. He wasn’t doing a good job at making Soobin comfortable, was he? “I thought it would be more… sincere, if I addressed you by your Korean name. I’m really sorry, I’ll be more careful.”

“No, no. It’s okay.” Soobin waved his hand carelessly. “I missed it, actually. You can call me Soobin.”

“Okay…” Yeonjun stiffly nodded. He was still tense, he should’ve been more careful about these slip-ups. There was no room for error if he wanted to keep Soobin near him.

He took a sip from his water to get rid of the dryness in his mouth, but it was useless. His tongue felt heavy and his throat felt like desert. He cleared his throat.

“Should we go to the company now, Soobin-ssi?”

“But your coffee—”

“My boss wanted to meet you as soon as possible.” Yeonjun forced a tight-lipped smile. “He’s excited to meet you.”

“If you say so.”

They both got up from their chairs. Yeonjun called the company driver as Soobin was wearing his coat. They walked toward the exit, and Yeonjun bowed to the woman at the reception with a small smile before they left the hotel.

Soobin gasped softly at the cold air hitting his face and lifted the lapels of his coat. Yeonjun stared at him from the corner of his eye. Soobin’s nose and cheeks were already pink from the harsh weather. He was always sensitive to the cold, and this didn’t seem to change even when they were different people in different universes. Yeonjun’s heart hurt at the thought. He would always giggle and kiss Soobin’s face when he was cold before wrapping him with his thick scarves. But the first one wasn’t an option now, so he did the only thing he could.

“Are you cold? I can give you my scarf.”

“Oh, that’s not necessary,” Soobin declined his offer with a gentle smile. “The car will arrive shortly, right? I can wait.”

“You’re going to get sick,” Yeonjun murmured and untied his scarf. The second the cold hit his unprotected neck, he got goosebumps. But he was moving on autopilot, his instincts were urging him to take care of Soobin. So he ignored it and wrapped the fabric around Soobin’s neck and smiled. “There you go.”

When their eyes met, Yeonjun saw Soobin’s confused and hesitant gaze, and his smile faltered. He was going too fast, he was making mistakes, this was not his Soobin.

“Sorry,” he grimaced, “do I make you uncomfortable? I just wanted to—”

“No, no, it’s okay.” Soobin smiled, and his gaze became calm and collected again. “Thank you. The weather is freezing.”

“Yeah, it is.” Yeonjun scratched his nape nervously and faced the road to avoid Soobin’s stare. He tried to change the subject. “I think it’s going to snow soon.”

“I love snow,” Soobin sighed dreamily. “I don’t like the cold and I always get sick somehow, but snow feels magical no matter how many times I’ve seen it.”

“It’s romantic,” Yeonjun mumbled, nodding in agreement.

“Do you think so?”

“Yeah, especially if you witness the first snow with the person you like. It means you—”

“I know,” Soobin interrupted him, a giggle escaping from his lips. “I’m Korean, remember?”

“Yeah, right.” Yeonjun blushed furiously in embarrassment. How long was he going to keep being awkward? “Sorry.”

Yeonjun raised his head and saw the car coming toward them, and before Soobin could say anything, he jumped at the opportunity to save himself from the awkward atmosphere. “Let’s go, our car is here.”

He grabbed Soobin’s arm and pulled him toward the car. When they both got inside, Yeonjun sighed at the warmth and relaxed. Only then that he realized he was still holding Soobin’s arm tightly, and Soobin was looking at him with a tight-lipped smile. He let go of his arm like it burned him and murmured a quiet “sorry” before turning his head to the outside.

So much for wanting to escape the awkwardness. Yeonjun was doomed.

×

“Gyu, he must hate me now.”

“Why would he?”

“Because I was so awkward and embarrassing.”

“You’re always like that.”

“Oh come on, now,” Yeonjun scoffed and threw a pen at Beomgyu. “You’re not helping.”

“Okay, okay. Sorry.” Beomgyu laughed as he dodged the pen. He finally moved his eyes from his laptop and stared at Yeonjun. “I’ll try to be serious. What were you saying?”

Yeonjun rolled his eyes in annoyance, but he couldn’t calm himself on his own, so Beomgyu was his best bet.

“I kept saying stupid things, and I had to say sorry multiple times. He even stared at me like I was weird. He must definitely have questioned why they chose me, of all people. I ruined everything and now he hates me and they’ll fire me and—”

“Woah, woah. Slow down,” Beomgyu said, his playful gaze mixed with concern at Yeonjun’s panic. “I don’t think he hates you. Everything will be okay.”

“I wish,” Yeonjun stopped pacing around and plopped down on the seat in Beomgyu’s office. “You should’ve seen his face. We didn’t say a word during the whole car ride. And when we arrived at the company, he literally ran to the boss’ office. His face was all serious, too. I bet my boss is already signing my termination papers.”

“I think you’re overthinking,” Beomgyu stared at him sympathetically. “You said he was a good businessman, right? That you were impressed with his position? I’m sure he just wanted to talk about the deal and finish his job as soon as possible. You only saw each other for what— 30 minutes? I bet he didn’t even think about it.”

“If you say so,” Yeonjun mumbled, but it was obvious from his face that he didn’t believe it.

“Look, he doesn’t hate you, okay? And even if he does, he can surely be a big boy and continue doing his job without crying about it to the boss. Stop sulking so much. Who cares about what he thinks? You didn’t do anything bad.”

I care, Yeonjun thought. I want him to like me. I don’t want to lose him again.

“Okay.”

“Now, let’s go outside and take a breath, okay?”

“Okay.”

“Good.” Beomgyu got up from his desk and grabbed Yeonjun’s arm before leaving the office. Yeonjun started feeling better when they arrived at the cafeteria, the spacious hall helping him to breathe easier. He tried to focus on the chatting sounds and murmurs to suppress his destructive thoughts. Beomgyu seemed pleased at his more relaxed expression and bought them tea before sitting at one of the tables.

Yeonjun took a deep breath and tried to think positively. What was the worst that could happen? He would lose his job, which wasn’t a big problem for him. He could find another job. But losing his job meant losing contact with Soobin, and he couldn’t even stand the thought of it. He would crumble.

Beomgyu stared at his tense expression with furrowed brows. “Hyung—”

“Yeonjun-ssi!”

Yeonjun got even more tense when he heard Soobin’s voice. Beomgyu must’ve seen this because he turned to Soobin with narrowed eyes and gave him a forced smile.

“Hi, I’m Beomgyu, Yeonjun hyung’s best friend.”

Soobin stared at Beomgyu’s extended hand and threatening voice with a confused face before giving him a handshake with a small, hesitant smile. “Nice to meet you, Beomgyu-ssi. I’m Choi Soobin.”

Beomgyu’s eyes widened in recognition. “Wait, Choi Soobin? Seoul University?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m Choi Beomgyu. We were in the same class. Do you remember me?”

Soobin seemed lost in thought for a second before his lips curled up in excitement. “I remember! God, it was such a long time ago. How are you?”

“I’m fine, thank you. I didn’t even recognize you, you’ve changed so much!”

“Well, that’s what maturing does to you.” Soobin chuckled. “You don’t look the same either. If you didn’t ask me, I probably wouldn’t even think about the baby-faced Choi Beomgyu from the university.”

“Yeah.” Beomgyu laughed, and then he threw a glance at Yeonjun. “He talked about you so much, but for some reason, he never told me your name. I was surprised.”

Soobin stared at Yeonjun. “What did he talk about me?”

“How did the meeting go?” Yeonjun decided to interrupt and stop Beomgyu before he embarrassed him even more. He hit his friend with his foot under the table before facing Soobin.

“It was… okay,” Soobin said, not minding the change of subject. His face was a little more serious now. “There are things we need to work out before signing the deal, but I want to think we made a good start.”

“I’m glad to hear that.”

“Where did you disappear, by the way? I went to your room when I left the meeting but you weren’t there.”

“Oh, did you need me for something?” Yeonjun asked, getting nervous. “Did the boss want to see me?”

“No, I just wanted to make sure you’re okay. You didn’t look okay before I went to the meeting.”

“Oh,” Yeonjun blushed, feeling his heart flutter at Soobin’s attention. “I went to see Beomgyu. There was something I needed to talk to him.”

“I see.”

“Why don’t you sit down?” Beomgyu asked, his voice soft and happy after finding out Soobin was an old friend and seeing that he wasn’t a threat to his best friend.

“Please don’t let me interrupt you. I was about to go anyway—”

“Please, I insist.” Beomgyu smiled and grabbed Soobin’s arm to make him sit. Soobin looked happy to find his old friend, so he didn’t resist and accepted the invitation. Yeonjun was just happy to spend more time with Soobin. He was finally at ease after realizing he wasn’t going to lose contact with him.

“So, how long are you staying here, if you don’t mind me asking?”

Soobin leaned back and bit his lips in thought before answering Beomgyu. “A week? It depends on how the negotiations go, but I don’t think it would be more than two weeks.”

Beomgyu made a surprised sound. “What, you don’t want to spend time here? Didn’t you miss Korea after being abroad for five years?”

“I can’t afford to lose time, unfortunately,” Soobin gave them a sad smile. He looked upset at the thought of leaving Korea so soon. Yeonjun’s heart shook at the sight of Soobin’s face. He would do anything to make him smile.

“Do you have any plans other than coming to the company?”

Soobin stared at Yeonjun questioningly and shrugged. “I don’t think so.”

Yeonjun didn’t know where he got the courage to ask Soobin, but his lips blurted the words out before he could stop himself. “Then let me show you around? I think it’s better than staying in your hotel.”

He could feel Beomgyu’s gaze on him, but all he could see was Soobin’s surprised expression.

“Are you sure?”

“Of course,” he nodded. “It would be fun.”

“Well,” Soobin smiled, “I can always use more friends.”

“Good, then let me give you my number. We can make a plan that fits our working hours.”

“Okay.” Soobin took out his phone from his pocket and gave it to Yeonjun. Yeonjun grabbed it and entered his number into the phone with shaky hands.

“There you go, Soobin-ssi. Let me know when you’re free, okay?”

“Sure, but call me by my name, okay? It feels weird now. We’re supposed to be friends, right?”

“Yeah,” Yeonjun said, his heart beating in his throat. “Then you should call me hyung.”

“Okay, Yeonjun hyung.” Soobin smiled, showing his dimples. Yeonjun could cry about how much he missed hearing this from Soobin’s voice.

Soobin turned to Beomgyu and gave him his phone. “You should enter your number too. I’m glad to see you again. We should totally meet before I go back.”

“Of course, it would be really nice.” Beomgyu nodded and gave him his number with a smile.

Soobin checked his contacts and nodded with a pleased expression before looking at them. “I should go now. I’ll talk to you both later, okay?”

Yeonjun attempted to get up. “Do you want me to come? I can accompany you.”

“Please don’t bother. I can go on my own. You should stay here with Beomgyu.”

Yeonjun remembered his friend was watching them and he stared at him with a blush. Beomgyu’s gaze was teasing.

“Take care, then.”

“Of course.” Soobin got up, but before he turned back, his face lightened up like he remembered something. “Oh! By the way, thank you so much for your scarf. I forgot to give it to you back when we arrived here.” He took Yeonjun’s scarf from his bag and put it on his hands. “Now I can go. Nice to see you again, Beomgyu. Good night, hyung.”

They both waved and watched Soobin leave without talking. When he got out of their sight, Beomgyu grinned. “Would you look at that? The world is small, isn’t it?” He took a sip from his tea and winked at Yeonjun. “He definitely doesn’t hate you, by the way.”

Yeonjun ignored Beomgyu’s teasing and kept staring at the empty space Soobin left behind. He tightened his hold around the scarf. Soobin’s perfume was clinging to the fabric, and Yeonjun finally felt like he could breathe after all this time.

×

Yeonjun took off his coat and threw it carelessly before sitting on the couch. He rubbed his face with a frown and let out a big sigh.

He didn’t know what to feel or what to think. His brain was struggling to place his thoughts, his feelings were tangled in desperation. Today was… Today was not what he expected.

His life was monotone since he woke up in this reality: wake up, go to work, overwork himself to occupy his mind, sometimes spend time with his friends to distract himself from the pain he's drowning in, then get back to his home and lie down in silence, praying to not fall apart because of his misery.

And he was slowly getting good at it. He wasn’t crying every day. He could get up from his couch to go to work despite wanting to stay there and not move for the rest of his life. He was smiling from time to time. His hurt was leaving its place to numbness and retreating under his veins, throbbing at times to remind him that it was still there, that it wasn’t going anywhere. But he was fine.

Or he was deluding himself into thinking he was doing fine, because he felt like he was back to square one. One glance at what he had lost, and he was crumbling again.

His emotions were all over the place. His brain was still trying to convince him that he was not Yeonjun’s Soobin, but on the other hand…

They both had the same dimpled smile. This Soobin’s gentle eyes held the same warmth in them. Their voices had the same pleasing tone. Yeonjun could feel the same genuine feelings from this Soobin as he did with his boyfriend. And it was confusing.

Because they both looked the same. Yeonjun felt like he was staring at the mirror image of his lover, as if nothing had changed in his life aside from the lack of Yeonjun. And it made him feel awful because if Soobin was the same person with or without him, what kind of place he had in his boyfriend’s life? And if he was the same person, what difference set him apart from his lover? Were they really the same?

He didn’t know what to believe. Realistically, he knew there had to be something different in both of them. He knew this Soobin was going to leave him after a short time. And he was going back to his same, miserable life again, trying to make peace with Soobin’s absence once again.

But he didn’t want that. He wanted to hold him, listen to him for hours, hug him, and never leave his embrace. He wanted to kiss him and promise him a thousand times that he was never going to leave him again. No matter how different they could be, Yeonjun’s heart saw the same face as his lover and it was burning with the yearning to feel Soobin’s love again.

And Yeonjun thought this may be the solution, for a second. What if this was the universe’s way of giving him a chance to go back to his own reality? What if he had to prove that he loved Soobin sincerely and would do everything to win him back in order to go to his own world? Would he succeed?

But what if… this new reality was permanent, and there was nothing he could do? Or what if his Soobin was still waiting somewhere out there, and Yeonjun was trying to win someone else’s love? He felt dirty at the thought as if he was betraying his boyfriend. His Soobin being happy with another Yeonjun in another universe felt like a stab to his heart, and he didn’t want to believe he was thinking of doing the exact same thing.

He was desperate at this point. Taking a risk and making Soobin fall in love with him again could be his chance to get back to his lover, but he couldn’t shake the feeling of doing something awful while his Soobin was still out there, if he was. Just imagining the possibility of hurting his boyfriend even from another universe made him feel horrible.

Yeonjun let out a frustrated cry and closed his eyes. He didn’t know the solution, he didn’t know his possibilities, and he definitely didn’t know about the consequences of his actions.

His brain wasn’t capable of dealing with this, so he decided to just sleep and go with the flow until he knew what to do.

His time was limited, but he tried to ignore it and lay down on the couch. For the time being, he decided to observe this Soobin and see the differences. He didn’t know what was going to be their ending, but he desperately hoped that it wasn’t a sad one.

×

“Did you see Soobin?”

“Yeah, we ran into each other in the cafeteria and drank tea together,” Beomgyu said, his eyes once again on his laptop. “You didn’t see him?”

“Not yet,” Yeonjun huffed and sat on the chair. “When I woke up and started to get ready to take him from his hotel at the time we agreed, I found a message in my phone that he woke up early and he was going to the company straight.”

“Oh, a workaholic.” Beomgyu smiled. “Just like me.”

And the opposite of my Soobin, Yeonjun thought. His boyfriend always made sure to shower Yeonjun with love before going to work, and they always made time for each other. But at the same time, Soobin was always a hard worker and Yeonjun forgot how many times he collected Soobin from the library in the middle of the night. He knew Soobin tried to stop himself and made changes in his routine to take care of their relationship. This Soobin didn’t love him.

“Yeah, it seems like it.” he nodded. “I’ll see if he finished his meeting. Maybe we could eat lunch together.”

“Is that so?”

“Would you like to come?” Yeonjun asked, ignoring Beomgyu’s wiggling eyebrows and big grin.

“Nah, I’ll pass. Have fun, though.”

“Sure.”

Yeonjun waved at Beomgyu and left his office to walk toward the meeting rooms. He greeted a few coworkers on the way with a small smile, but his eyes were looking for Soobin. He was searching for a tall figure in the hallways when someone touched his shoulder and scared him.

“Hyung!”

“Oh my god!” Yeonjun flinched and turned back. He put his hand on his chest and took a deep breath. “Soobin-ah, you scared me.”

“Sorry.” Soobin gave him a sheepish smile. “I saw you and thought you might be searching for me. Was I right?”

Yeonjun sighed. “Yeah, I thought we could eat something together. You didn’t wait for me in the morning.”

“I didn’t want to bother you just because I woke up early. I accept your offer, by the way. I’m starving.”

“You didn’t eat anything? You’re going to get sick.”

“I didn’t have the appetite.”

“You should take care of yourself,” Yeonjun scolded him gently before grabbing his arm. “Let’s go eat something.”

Soobin stared at him with curious eyes. “Are we going to the cafeteria?”

“No,” Yeonjun shook his head, then glanced at Soobin. “Do you like Japanese food?”

“Yeah.”

“Great,” he smiled knowingly. “I know an amazing place. You’ll love it.”

×

(“Here we are.” Yeonjun smiled proudly as he pointed at the small restaurant. “You said you were craving Japanese food, so I searched and found the best Japanese restaurant around here. What do you think?”

Soobin stared at the cozy place with shining eyes. His eyes were wandering around in curiosity, taking in the details and decorations. He turned back to Yeonjun and gave him a bright, dimpled smile.

“Hyung, this place is so pretty! Thank you so much for finding it.”

“Well, I’m glad you liked it.” Yeonjun smiled. He asked many people around and read many websites about the restaurants, but Soobin’s gleaming eyes were worth every second he spent on research. If he could see Soobin smile like that, he would do it forever. “Should we go in?”

Soobin nodded like an excited puppy and grabbed Yeonjun’s arm before dragging him to the entrance.

After they found a table and placed their orders, they stared at each other in silence. Both of them were shy. Despite talking to each other for so long, this was their first official date. And their shy confessions were still fresh in their minds.

Soobin cleared his throat to disrupt the silence, his cheeks pink as he talked in a low voice. “I didn’t think you would pay attention to something as trivial as what I’m craving.”

“I pay attention to everything about you.” Yeonjun smiled, deciding to be bold. And it was the truth. “You deserve the best. It’s nothing, really.”

“Well, I liked it.” Soobin stared at him shyly. “No one has put that much effort in for me before.”

Yeonjun furrowed his eyebrows. “They were the biggest idiots, then. They should’ve known your worth.” His expression melted into a grin and he chuckled. “But I guess I should thank them. You’re here with me, after all.”

This made Soobin break into a big smile, and Yeonjun stared at him like a lovesick puppy.

These last months were the best moments in his life. He was talking to Soobin every day, they were eating lunch together, and sometimes they would go to a cute cafe to drink something. It was like a dream. Talking to Soobin was never boring, and seeing him was always the highlight of his day.

He was sure Soobin was the one for him.

“I’m glad I’m with you,” Soobin pulled him out of his thoughts. “This feels right, being next to you and everything.” He slightly grimaced. “Am I going too fast? I don’t make you uncomfortable, right? I just… I know this is our first date, but—”

“No, you’re fine,” Yeonjun interrupted Soobin’s anxious rambling with a comforting smile. “On the contrary, I’m happy we’re on the same page.” He slowly held Soobin’s hand. “Because this feels right to me, too.”

This made Soobin relax.

After their orders came, they started talking about mundane things while eating, both happy to spend time together. Yeonjun felt like it was just them in the world, alone and in their bubble, away from the world. He liked this feeling. He wanted to feel it forever.

When they left the restaurant with big smiles on their faces and started walking together, Soobin slowly intertwined their fingers with a blush and squeezed Yeonjun’s hand gently.

“Hyung,” he whispered, “thank you.”

And Yeonjun knew there were more dates to go in the future. He wanted to experience everything together with his lover.

Forever.)

×

“Wow, this place looks so nice. How did you find it?” Soobin asked as he looked around with big eyes, taking in the atmosphere of the restaurant.

“I discovered this place when I was in university. I was searching for somewhere to take my—” Yeonjun interrupted himself at the last second and took a breath. “It was a long time ago. But I can guarantee you that it will be the best Japanese food you’ve ever eaten. Trust me.”

“Okay, I trust you.” Soobin stepped inside. The little bell above the door chimed as they entered, and a short woman came to greet them. She led them to an empty table and left them alone after giving them their menus.

“All of these look nice,” Soobin murmured. “Do you have a suggestion?”

Yeonjun pointed at something on the menu. “I suggest this. They make it really delicious.” And if you’re anything like my boyfriend, you’ll fall in love with it.

“Okay. I'll try it, then.”

After placing their orders, silence fell on the table and they stared at each other without talking. Soobin seemed like he was trying to figure Yeonjun out, but all Yeonjun could think of was how much he missed this.

Seeing Soobin’s face in front of him in their special place was a sight he thought he would never see again. Soobin’s eyes were examining him while his fingers were slightly moving with the rhythm of the background melody. There was a small smile on his face, and Yeonjun was drowning in nostalgia.

“Well,” Soobin said, disrupting the silence. “Is there anything you want to talk about?”

“How’s life abroad?” Yeonjun asked, his curiosity getting the best of him. He was afraid of the answers, but he was dying to learn more about Soobin. How was his workplace? Where was his family? Did he have any friends? Did he have someone he needed to go back to?

“Good.” Soobin shrugged, unaware of the turmoil in Yeonjun’s mind. “Not that different from here, honestly. I mean, the cultures are totally different. But my lifestyle didn’t change much.”

“How so?” Yeonjun leaned forward. “I’ve always heard wild stories about America.”

“Are you talking about parties and stuff?” Soobin laughed. “They’re not for me at all. I didn’t go to the parties here either. I’m a total homebody and I like to keep it that way. I’ll go out with my friends from time to time to have fun, but I usually just want to go home after a tiring day at the company.”

Yeonjun’s heart ached. He felt like he was listening to his Soobin. “I can relate.” He tried to laugh. “After working so long, the only thing I do is go to my home and sleep.”

“Well, you shouldn’t overwork yourself, though.” Soobin furrowed his eyebrows. “Do you live alone? Doesn’t anyone complain about your work hours?”

“Nah. I don’t tell my friends that I’m overworking myself.”

“And your partner?”

“I don’t have one,” Yeonjun murmured, feeling small under Soobin’s observing gaze. He gave a shaky breath and gulped. “What about you?”

Please, please, please—

“I don’t have a partner either.” Soobin shrugged. “I haven't found someone I love enough to live with yet. I have a pet, though. He is the main reason why I’m always so eager to go home.”

Yeonjun felt a tiny flower of hope bloom in his chest. Was he still Soobin’s person even in this universe?

“A pet? What kind of pet? Dog?” Soobin always wanted to have a big dog.

“A hedgehog, actually.” Soobin grinned. “He’s a menace, but he’s easier to take care of, and I love him dearly. Do you want to see his pictures?”

“Of course.” Yeonjun nodded with a silly grin on his face. He always loved to listen to Soobin talk about things he loved. This was no different.

“Wait a second.” Soobin took his phone from his bag and opened his gallery to show Yeonjun his pet. “Look at him. Isn’t he the cutest?”

“He is. It looks like you’re taking good care of him.”

“Of course I do. He’s my baby.”

This made Yeonjun laugh. “What’s his name?”

“Odi. One of my friends suggested it. I think it fits him.”

“Yeah, it does.”

Soobin moved on to the next photo. “Look! He was—”

Yeonjun tuned out Soobin’s talking, preferring to watch his face instead. His eyes were shining as he kept talking, and his lips were curled upward. He was moving his hands while he told the story, his dimples showing with every movement of his mouth.

Yeonjun watched him, and it hurt him.

He missed his Soobin more than anything.

×

“Hyung, you promised you’d come!”

“I forgot, I’m sorry.” Yeonjun gave Beomgyu an apologetic smile. “I made plans with Soobin, and I can’t tell him that I have another plan now.”

Beomgyu pouted in anger for a moment, but then his face brightened. “Why don’t you bring him too?”

Yeonjun stared at Beomgyu with widened eyes. “Soobin? To your house?”

“Yeah, why not?”

“I don’t know… Isn’t it weird? We just became friends and we’re already inviting him to your house?”

“You may have just become friends, but I’ve known him longer than you have. So it isn’t weird for me.” He shrugged. “Besides, we already talked about spending time together. I think it would be fun.”

“I’m still not sure.”

“Don’t be such a part-pooper now. Just ask him!”

“Fine, fine!” Yeonjun huffed and took out his phone to text Soobin.

[ Me: Hi, Soobin-ah. (10:23 a.m.) ]

[ Me: I know we have plans for tonight, but I totally forgot I promised Beomgyu a game night. (10:23 a.m.) ]

[ Me: He invited you. Would you like to change plans and go to his house? (10:24 a.m.) ]

[ Me: You can totally say no, by the way. You don’t have to agree. (10:24 a.m.) ]

Yeonjun waited for a few minutes before he heard his notification sound.

[ Soobin: It’s okay. It would be fun. (10:32 a.m.) ]

[ Soobin: I’d like to see him. (10:32 a.m.) ]

[ Soobin: What time? (10:32 a.m.) ]

[ Me: 8 p.m. I’ll pick you up from your hotel. (10:33 a.m.) ]

[ Soobin: Okay, see you tonight then. (10:34 a.m.) ]

[ Soobin: I’m really busy today. I’ll talk to you later. 10:34 a.m.) ]

“He accepted it.”

“See? I told you.” Beomgyu grinned with a pleased expression.

“Yeah, yeah.” Yeonjun rolled his eyes and got up from his seat. “I should go now. I have a big pile of files waiting for me in my room. I’ll see you later.”

“Don’t forget to eat something!”

Yeonjun waved his hand without looking back and left the room. He was acting as if he was annoyed, but the thought of seeing Soobin with their friend group again made his heart flutter. It was going to be nice.

He couldn’t wait to see him.

×

“This cold is no joke,” Soobin huffed as he got in the passenger seat. He was rubbing his hands to warm them. They were pale from the cold even if he just walked to the car from the entrance of the hotel.

Yeonjun raised the temperature and started driving. He stared at Soobin from the corner of his eye and chuckled.

“Yet you don’t wear any gloves or scarf.”

“I forgot about to pack them up,” Soobin pouted. Yeonjun was sure Soobin wasn’t aware of doing it. He found it so cute. “And I’m too lazy to buy new ones when I have a ton of them back at home.”

“Fair enough.” Yeonjun shrugged. “Don’t catch a cold, though.”

“That would be a disaster, especially in the middle of the negotiations.”

“Yeah. How’s that going, by the way? I didn’t ask before.”

“Very well.” Soobin smiled. “We should have the deal signed by the end of the week. So, in two or three days? Then my job will be done.” He sighed. “Time flies fast.”

Yeonjun nodded. “It sure does.”

His heart was already aching with the thought of losing Soobin again, even if he knew it was inevitable. Their time wasn’t enough, he still didn’t know what to do.

“Oh!” He heard Soobin’s surprised voice and turned his head to look at him. Soobin was going through his CD collection with curious eyes. “You don’t mind me looking, do you?”

“Feel free.” Yeonjun shrugged.

“I didn’t think you were the type to collect CDs.”

“Why not?”

“I don’t know, honestly. Nowadays people use streaming platforms. And despite that, you have tons of CDs here.”

“It’s a habit from my mom,” Yeonjun said. “She always believed having physical memories was better than the digital ones. I remember having many photo albums growing up. She didn’t like to take a picture and forget about it. She preferred to print them. She still writes journals. And so on.” He smiled. “I remember telling my mom that I was interested in music. She gifted me a box full of CDs from my favorite artists. Now I continue to collect them.”

“That’s nice,” Soobin said, voice soft. “She sounds lovely.”

“She is,” Yeonjun nodded. “You’d like her.”

“I’m sure,” Soobin said, then continued to look at the collection. “Wow, you even have IU!”

“Well, I like her songs.”

“Can I play it? She’s my favorite!”

(“Hyung!” His boyfriend yelled in excitement as he examined IU’s CD. Yeonjun couldn’t help but smile at Soobin’s enthusiasm. “You like her too? Our tastes are so similar!”)

“Of course,” Yeonjun said, smiling bitterly at the memories. “It’s been a long time since I’ve listened to it.”

Soobin put the CD in and started swaying left and right as the songs kept playing. The city lights were reflecting on his face, blurring his sharp lines and making his face softer. Yeonjun could hear him sing along in a quiet voice, his voice nothing more than a whisper.

But Yeonjun could hear the echoes of Soobin’s voice in his mind. His memories were waking up from their deep slumber, and Yeonjun could have sworn it was his boyfriend who was singing the songs.

His Soobin loved singing. Yeonjun was his number one audience.

“You’re quiet tonight,” Soobin said, giving up the singing and staring at Yeonjun with a curious gaze.

“I was thinking.”

“About what?”

“Nothing specific. Just… old times. These hours of the night always make me feel nostalgic.”

Soobin didn’t seem to believe him, but he didn’t press on him and hummed. Yeonjun was thankful for that. He wouldn’t know what to say if Soobin kept asking.

The rest of the drive was silent until they arrived at Beomgyu’s house. “Here we are.” He parked the car and checked his watch. “Just in time. Let’s go.”

“Hyung! Soobin-ah! Welcome.” Beomgyu hugged both of them as soon as he opened the door with a big smile. “I’m glad you came.”

“I couldn’t turn down the opportunity,” Soobin smiled as he hugged Beomgyu back. “I brought some snacks.”

Yeonjun stared at the small black bag in Soobin’s hand and wondered how he hadn’t noticed it before. Beomgyu accepted the gift with big eyes. “You didn’t have to.”

“I don’t like going empty-handed. Especially if it’s my first time.”

Beomgyu nodded. “Thank you. Let’s go inside.”

Taehyun and Kai were already sitting on the couch, trying to pick a game to play. It was Kai who noticed them first.

“This is Kai, and this is Taehyun. They are our close friends. I didn’t mention them before, I hope it’s okay with you?”

“Of course. I’m the one who got invited at the last minute,” Soobin smiled and walked toward them. “Nice to meet you. I’m Soobin, Beomgyu’s friend from university.”

“The pleasure is mine.” Taehyun shook his hand. “I saw you in his photo album before.”

“You did?” Soobin turned to Beomgyu with widened eyes. “You have to show me that album! I lost my photos when I was moving abroad.”

“Sure, we can do that.”

“What kind of games do you like, Soobin-ssi?” Kai asked.

“Please call me Soobin. And I don’t have a preference. I’m okay with everything.”

“Then Tekken it is.”

“Oh, come on now! How is that not a hit?”

“It’s not that you’re bad, I’m just too good,” Soobin said with a teasing smile, beating all of them for the third time.

He fit into the group like a missing puzzle piece and got close to everyone in the first hour. Yeonjun watched him joking around with his friends like he had known them for years with a smile on his face.

Kai and Taehyun were already on their way to becoming best friends with Soobin, and Beomgyu was strengthening their friendship even more than before.

Yeonjun was… Yeonjun was just watching the scene with longing on his face. Seeing this scene has been one of his biggest dreams since he woke up in this reality.

He knew this wasn’t real, at least not the way he wanted, but still… His eyes were playing tricks on him. This Soobin had the same demeanor and humor as his Soobin, and he fit in the group just like his boyfriend. Even his play style was the same. And it drove Yeonjun crazy.

His feelings were all jumbled up. One part of him wanted to cling to the thought that this was real and everything was okay. That the last months were nothing but a nightmare, and Soobin was back in his life like nothing had changed.

But the other part of him knew the truth. Knew that Soobin was going to leave in a few days, knew that this wasn’t even his Soobin in the first place.

The two parts were constantly fighting in Yeonjun, and the line between his reality and his dreams was starting to blur.

×

(Yeonjun felt sleepy. The sun was slowly setting between pink clouds, and the warmth was kissing his face gently. He felt like he was in heaven, surrounded by the sound of the river and the scent of his lover.

“Hyung,” Soobin whispered with slight amusement in his voice. “Are you sleeping?”

“No, no.” Yeonjun tried to open his eyes and turned his head to look at his boyfriend. “See? I’m awake.”

“You sure are,” Soobin giggled. “Sleepyhead.”

“Hey, I said I’m not sleeping!”

“It’s okay, hyung. You’re tired.”

“It’s not okay,” Yeonjun murmured and straightened up with a sigh. “We’re on a date after so long and I’m about to fall asleep.”

“You had exams. It’s okay. Now come here.” Soobin pulled him back to his embrace and wrapped his arm around Yeonjun.

Yeonjun relaxed between Soobin’s arms and hugged one of his arms; his back against his boyfriend's chest, his body facing the view. He turned his face and nuzzled his lover’s neck like a cat, inhaling his soft vanilla scent.

“Don’t you get bored?”

“Of what?”

“Of sitting here in silence.” Yeonjun shrugged, his voice mingled with insecurity. “I’m not that great company right now.”

“I don’t need to talk to have a good time.” Soobin tightened his arms around Yeonjun protectively as if he wanted to shield him from his bad thoughts. “Just existing with you is enough for me.”

“You’re just saying that so I won’t feel bad.”

“Hey, you think I’m a liar?”

“No, but…”

“Do you get bored of being with me when my social battery is down and I don’t want to do anything?”

“Of course not.” Yeonjun furrowed his eyebrows. “I love being with you. We don’t need to do anything, just being near you is enough.”

“Then why would it be different for me?” Soobin asked, his voice gentle with a hint of a smile. “I love you just the same. So don’t think bad about yourself, okay?”

“Okay,” Yeonjun murmured, his heart full of love. Soobin was his greatest comfort.

“Now,” Soobin said as he grabbed his earphones from his bag. He plugged it into his phone and put one of them in Yeonjun’s ear. Yeonjun heard the beginning of a slow song, playing from their shared playlist. It brought a smile to his face. “You can sleep. I’m here.”

Yeonjun closed his eyes and hid himself in Soobin’s arms. He felt isolated from the world — There was just him, music, and Soobin in his small bubble. He felt Soobin press his lips on his hair and caress his waist slowly as if he wanted to lull him to sleep.

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

Yeonjun thought just existing in silence wasn’t a bad thing when he was with Soobin.)

×

“Where do you want to go?” Yeonjun asked as he walked next to Soobin. “We have time. We can go anywhere.”

Soobin seemed deep in thought as he considered his options. Yeonjun stared at the road and waited patiently for his answer.

The weather was a little warmer compared to yesterday, which was a surprise for Yeonjun, but they decided to use this to their advantage and started wandering around the city.

They were silent for the most part. Soobin was taking the view of the city in with a small smile, and Yeonjun was content with being near Soobin. Their steps were in sync with each other in a silent rhythm, and the only sound heard between them was the sound of their breaths.

“Han River?” Soobin said in a questioning tone. “I miss going there. I want to see it before I go.”

Yeonjun turned his way to the river and waved his hand. “Okay. Let’s go then.”

“When I was a student, I would always come here with my friends,” Soobin disrupted their silence. “We would just sit near the river and talk, sometimes we would have a small picnic.” He sighed, a hint of nostalgia appearing on his face. “Out of everything, I guess I miss that the most. Simple, slow moments with people I love.”

“We forget to appreciate these moments and don’t know their value until we lose them.”

“Definitely.” Soobin nodded. “I used to think my life was boring and I would feel pressured by my responsibilities. But now that I’m thinking about it, they were probably my last peaceful times before I got thrown into adulthood.”

“It’s scary, isn’t it?” Yeonjun chuckled, his tone void of happiness. “We lose our direction between all these responsibilities and work that even the simplest things like that become luxury.”

Isn’t that how I lost Soobin? I was so lost in my work that I forgot to appreciate his love.

“Yeah,” Soobin mumbled. “Sometimes I have to remind myself to take a break.”

“Good thing you’re doing it now,” Yeonjun smiled. “At least you’re taking time to do things other than staying in the company all day and going straight to sleep in the hotel.”

“I should thank you for that,” Soobin said, his voice grateful. “You’re a great company. I didn’t expect to make a friend the first day I came here, to be honest. And now I have four more friends here thanks to you and Beomgyu.”

“Don’t mention it.” Yeonjun shrugged. “You’re fun to be around.”

“Well, I’m glad to hear that.”

“Do you want me to confess something?” Yeonjun said as they arrived at the Han River and sat where they could see the view. “I didn’t want to take this job at first. Helping the company to sign the deal, I mean. I thought it would be burdensome.”

He felt Soobin’s gaze on him, but he didn’t turn his head to look at him and continued to watch the river.

“And now?”

“Now I’m thankful that my boss forced me.” Yeonjun smiled. “Otherwise I wouldn’t get to know you.”

It was silent for a few moments. Yeonjun curled his fingers into fists in his pockets as he waited for Soobin’s reply.

“Yeah,” Soobin murmured, his gaze away from Yeonjun. “I’m thankful too.”

They sat there without talking, listening to nature and people’s chatter. Their shoulders were slightly brushing, but neither of them moved. Warmth was flowing through Yeonjun’s body where their arms touched. He was burning with want; he wanted to snuggle against Soobin’s chest, he wanted to be between his arms. He wanted to hold him and never let him go. Just like in his memories.

“It’s been a long time since I’ve come here,” he blurted out, not knowing why he talked.

“Why?”

“Life gets in the way, I guess. We- I used to come here and sit for hours. Now I don’t have that luxury anymore.”

Being here without him is hurting me too much.

“You should stop overworking yourself and take a breather sometimes.”

“I can’t.” I don’t want to think anymore.

“Well, that’s a shame. It would do wonders for you.”

“At least I’m here now, aren’t I?”

“Just because I asked you to,” Soobin said with a pout. “Now I feel like I forced you to come.”

“Don’t say that. I’m glad I came with you.”

“Really?”

“Really.” Yeonjun nodded. “I missed being here.”

And he didn’t feel like bursting into sobs when Soobin was next to him. His existence was soothing Yeonjun’s soul, no matter how much his brain tried to deny it.

Soobin was good for him.

And that scared him.

×

“I can’t believe I did it,” Soobin said in a cheerful voice, standing next to Yeonjun’s desk with a big grin. “My job is finally done.”

“Congratulations,” Yeonjun forced a smile. “I knew you could do it.”

“I can finally breathe. My company was breathing down my neck for this deal.”

Yeonjun patted his arm. “You did well.”

“Now all that’s left is to celebrate!”

Yeonjun furrowed his brows in confusion. “Celebrate?”

“Ah, they were talking about throwing a party to celebrate the deal. I guess they didn’t tell you yet?”

“No, they didn’t.” Yeonjun shook his head. “When is it?”

“Tomorrow night. They wanted to postpone it to a later date, but my boss wanted me to come back as soon as possible. So tomorrow it is.”

“Oh. That’s fast.”

“Yeah.” Soobin nodded. “Time flew so fast, I didn’t even understand.” He stared at Yeonjun. “But at least I made some good memories, don’t you think?”

Yeonjun opened his mouth to answer, but before he could say something, somebody called out to Soobin.

“Soobin-ssi! Are you coming?”

“Yes, please wait a second.” Soobin turned back to Yeonjun with a smile. “I need to go now. Last minute details, you know?”

“Good luck, Soobin-ah.”

“I’ll see you tomorrow, then?”

“Sure.” Yeonjun nodded. “I’ll be there.”

Yeonjun stared at his gray tuxedo in the mirror and sighed. He didn’t want to go to the party, it would mean it was really the end of Soobin’s time here. But both his boss and Soobin expected him to be there, so he didn’t have much choice.

“At least fix your hair, my god,” Beomgyu grumbled from his phone. They were video chatting as they were getting ready, and Beomgyu was looking at him with a scowl as he examined Yeonjun’s face. “And put a lip gloss or something. Is this your first time going to an event?”

“But I don’t even want to go! Why do I have to do all of that?” Yeonjun pouted, but he still grabbed his comb to style his hair.

“Because you’re going? It doesn’t matter if you want it or not.”

“Well, that’s boring.”

“You’re boring. Live a little, will you?”

“I don’t want to!”

“You’re such an old man, it’s unbelievable.” Beomgyu shook his head. He checked his time before looking at Yeonjun again. “I’m leaving. I’ll be there in 15 minutes.”

“Wait—”

“Be ready when I arrive, okay? Good. Bye!”

“Gyu—”

Yeonjun groaned when he heard the beep signaling the end of the call. He tried to fix his hair for a few minutes before giving up with a scowl and opening his makeup bag. He didn’t have much, and what he had was courtesy of Beomgyu, so he grabbed a lip gloss before closing the bag.

He thought he looked decent. He was sure Beomgyu wouldn’t approve of his basic style, but he didn’t find it in him to care. He grabbed his coat and put his phone, wallet, and keys in his pocket before leaving the house.

Beomgyu gave him a once-over before halfheartedly nodding. Yeonjun got in the car without talking, and Beomgyu started driving.

“Wow, for a last-minute alert, everyone is surprisingly here,” Yeonjun said as he looked around with wide eyes.

“How does it feel like to be the only old soul in this hall?”

“Oh, shut up.” Yeonjun hit Beomgyu’s arm before grabbing a champagne flute from the table.

“Don’t hit me. You’re ruining my outfit.”

Yeonjun rolled his eyes in a feigned offense as he waited for Beomgyu to pick a drink.

“I saw some of my coworkers from my department. I’ll go say hi to them, do you want to come?”

“Nah, I’ll pass,” Yeonjun said without even looking at Beomgyu. His eyes were searching for someone else.

“Are you looking for Soobin?”

Yeonjun turned his gaze to Beomgyu. “How did you know?”

“You’re so obvious.” Beomgyu laughed. “Enjoy yourself, then. Let me know if you want to leave.”

Yeonjun nodded with a smile. “Okay, have fun.”

Beomgyu started walking. “Tell Soobin to say hi to me when you see him!”

Yeonjun waved his hand to show that he heard his friend before continuing to look around. He knew Soobin was somewhere nearby, he was the main guest for the party after all. So he left his spot to blend in with people in hopes of finding Soobin.

He was walking toward the balcony when he saw him.

Soobin was talking to someone with a polite smile on his face, a glass of wine sitting between his long fingers.

His night black tuxedo was hugging his slim but toned figure nicely, and his styled hair was letting people see his sharp eyes.

Yeonjun heart skipped a beat as he gasped in awe. He was falling for his boyfriend’s (he was not his boyfriend) beauty once again as he watched him with hawk eyes.

He didn’t know how long he kept standing there ogling at Soobin before he noticed him.

Soobin’s polite smile turned into a genuine one as he waved to Yeonjun. Yeonjun forced himself to move toward Soobin and greeted him with a small smile.

“Hi.”

“Hi, Soobin-ah.”

“You look nice,” Soobin said as he stared at him. He was probably being polite, but that didn’t change the fact that it made Yeonjun’s heart flutter.

“You look pretty too.”

Soobin cleared his throat at Yeonjun’s compliment and nodded with a tight-lipped smile before pointing at the balcony.

“Do you want to go out? This hall feels too stuffy.”

“Sure.”

They walked there in silence. They bumped into a few people and Soobin stopped to talk to them shortly, but they finally made it to the balcony.

“Oh my god, I thought I was going to choke from the lack of oxygen.” Soobin laughed as he opened the first button of his shirt.

Yeonjun averted his eyes to stare outside. The balcony was looking at greenery, and the moonlight was painting the leaves of the trees a dark blue.

“How’s the party going?”

“I’m ready to leave if I need to be honest.” Soobin gave him a tired smile. “I can feel my social battery draining. I don’t like crowds.”

“You’re the star of the party, you can’t leave,” Yeonjun said in an amused voice.

“Yeah, tell me about it.”

Yeonjun clutched his flute nervously. “I wanted to ask you…” Soobin stared at him with curious eyes as he waited for Yeonjun to speak and complete his sentence. “When do you leave?”

“Tomorrow,” Soobin answered with ease. Yeonjun felt his heart drop.

No, no, no—

He swallowed hard and clutched his flute. “What time?”

“Early in the morning. So tonight is probably the last time we see each other.”

Alarm bells started ringing in Yeonjun’s head. The uneasiness he’d been feeling since yesterday was now turning into a full-blown panic. Yeonjun’s rationality was out of the window as the only thought that kept running in his brain was—

He’s leaving me, he’s leaving me, he’s leaving me…

Again.

He felt a lump in his throat and he chugged down his champagne to get rid of that uncomfortable feeling. It didn’t work.

“Soobin-ah,” he mumbled, his breaths irregular. “Do you have to go?”

“What?”

Yeonjun grabbed Soobin’s arm in a desperate attempt. “Please don’t go.”

“Hyung,” Soobin let out a nervous laugh as he tried to pull his arm back. “I’ll miss you guys too. But don’t worry, I’ll be in touch—”

“Please don’t leave me.” Yeonjun wrapped his arms around Soobin and hugged him tightly. “Please don’t leave me. I can’t— I can’t do that again. I can’t—”

Soobin gently tried to push Yeonjun back, reasoning that he was drunk and didn’t know what he was saying. “Hyung—”

“Soobin-ah, please. I can’t lose you again. Don’t leave me, I can’t live here without you—”

“Yeonjun-ssi.”

Yeonjun froze and stopped rambling, his blood turning ice in his veins. Soobin pushed him and stared at him with an uncomfortable gaze. Panic, confusion, hesitancy, fear… Yeonjun could see the mixed emotions in his eyes.

The only emotion he didn’t see was love.

“I don’t think you’re okay. Maybe you should go to your home and rest.”

Because that was the difference, wasn’t it? Yeonjun only tried to see the similarities between his boyfriend and this Soobin, making himself believe that if he could stay with Soobin, he would somehow get his lover back.

But they were not the same people. They were different people with different lives.

This was not his Soobin, because he didn’t love him.

Because despite how much they acted and looked alike, the person in front of him was not his person.

Yeonjun sniffled. “Soobin-ah, I—”

“I should go,” Soobin stepped back, his eyes not meeting Yeonjun’s. “Take care.”

Soobin left the balcony with quick steps.

Yeonjun felt like his life was ruined. Again.

He lost Soobin. Again.

And he was alone. Again. Just like how he started.

He rubbed his red eyes and left the balcony after Soobin, his steps searching for the way to leave as fast as possible. He didn’t even think about looking for Beomgyu, his anxious brain only focused on leaving the hall. He found the door they came in, and he pushed it in despair to leave.

When he left the building and met with the cold weather, he started sobbing his heart out.

The snowflakes were falling to the ground gently, muffling the world and making Yeonjun feel like he was in a snow globe.

He remembered when he saw the first snow with Soobin for the first time.

He remembered how he was so excited. He remembered staring at the sky and praying that it would mean they would be together until they died.

He remembered lowering his head to look at Soobin and finding him already looking at Yeonjun with a warm smile and hopeful eyes.

He remembered how he was sure he was going to spend the rest of his life with Soobin.

Now the first snow only reminded him that he had lost his lover. And he would never get him back.

And it hurt. It hurt too bad that Yeonjun thought he would die from heartbreak.

But the pain didn’t kill him. So he walked under the snow for hours, mourning the love he lost.

Again.

×

The sound of his phone startled Yeonjun awake. He grimaced and lifted his head from the kitchen table.

His head was pounding with the headache. He didn’t remember how much he cried after coming home last night, his memories were all blurry with pain and grief. It wasn’t unusual for him to fall asleep somewhere other than his bed — he could count on one hand the number of days he slept in his own bed ever since he lost Soobin. But falling asleep on the kitchen table was a new low for him. Just how tired was I? he thought before he heard his phone ping again. Right, the phone woke him up. He blinked slowly to sober himself up as he tried to find his phone in his messy bag.

When his hand finally touched it, he took it and opened the lock screen, shielding his eyes from the bright light.

[ Gyu: Hyung, can you check your email? I sent you a document. (06:22 a.m.) ]

He stared at the message with furrowed eyebrows. He found it strange that Beomgyu didn’t mention last night. And he didn’t remember having something to work on with Beomgyu, but the most strange part was the ugly feeling inside his chest that was creeping up to his heart — like he forgot something. His fingers moved quickly on his keyboard.

[ Me: Why are you working at this h— ]

Before he could even finish his reply, a strange sense of déjà vu washed over him like a curse. And then his breath got stuck, because he knew how this was going to end.

He opened the calendar in a hurry and stared at the date as dread spread all over him.

Not again, he whispered to himself. Not when I just lost him again. How many times I’m going to live this hell before I go numb?

He didn’t need to check his phone to know that the memories he created with Soobin in the last week were gone. That all of Soobin’s traces in his life were gone again, as if he was never there to begin with. He knew, because he lived this before.

The date he first lost Soobin was looking back at him like it was mocking him. Like it was telling that he could never escape from this nightmare — stuck in eternal agony, cursed to live it all over again.

No, he thought between his fallen tears, wiping them with the back of his hand with furrowed brows. I won’t let the universe win this time.

He walked to the counter with hasty steps and grabbed his keys with his trembling fingers before leaving the home. He needed to find Soobin before fate stole him from Yeonjun again. He wasn’t going to waste time like he did the first time.

When he was on the streets, he started to look around him with frantic and desperate eyes, praying to catch a glimpse of a tall figure with raven hair. He was searching everywhere — all the little corners and the deserted streets and the abandoned neighborhoods. Soobin should be around here somewhere. He never liked to be away from home, he wouldn’t have gotten very far without telling Yeonjun.

“Binnie, please be around here,” he mumbled to himself. “Please come back to me.”

Then his eyes caught a figure — tall, black hair, a gray hoodie. Like Soobin. His breath quickened as he started to run toward the man.

“Binnie, where did you go? I’ve gone crazy thinking I lost you,” Yeonjun yelled and grabbed his arm to pull him to himself.

But the face that greeted him wasn’t his lover’s. This man’s eyes were smaller, lips thinner, cheeks more full. Not even the slightest resemblance. The stranger was looking at him with furrowed eyebrows — confused and uncomfortable. He pulled his arm from Yeonjun’s hold with a slight grimace on his face.

“I think you have me confused with someone else, sir,” he said, his voice apologetic as he looked at Yeonjun’s face.

“Oh, I—” Yeonjun stared at his hand, hanging in the air, his fingers curled around nothing. “I… I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

The man nodded and bowed before turning back and continuing his walk.

Yeonjun stared at his back, slowly getting further and further. He didn’t care about people bumping into him and cursing him. He just watched as his heart got further away with the stranger, unable to move his feet from the spot.

Was that it? Did he lose Soobin again? Had his love slipped through his fingers, again?

“Move away,” a man grumbled and shoved him aside. He stumbled and finally moved, returning to his home with slow steps.

His eyes were on the road, not feeling strong enough to see other people’s faces. His hands were shaking in desperation, fingers not knowing where to hold.

Not again, not again, not again, not again—

When his steps stopped in front of his building, his knees gave up and he found himself on the floor. An anguished whimper left his lips before he started breaking down. He didn’t care about who saw him, all he knew was the fire in his heart. He felt like something was tearing him apart and scattering all his parts around — leaving him ruined, never to feel whole again.

A heartbreaking scream left his lungs. He was helpless, he was sad, he was angry — with himself, with people, with the whole world. He felt everything and felt nothing at the same time. He pulled his knees to his chest and buried his head behind them; hiding from the world was the only thing he wanted to do.

He sobbed his heart out, his throat raw with his constant crying. His fingers were pulling his hair — he wanted to hurt, wanted to feel anything other than this hell.

He’s gone, he’s gone, he’s gone.

Again.

He didn’t know how long he sat on the floor, crying after his lost lover, when he heard a voice.

A voice so dear to him, a voice he knew like the back of his hand, a voice he heard a million times before.

“Hyung?”

Yeonjun felt his heart stop. I’m imagining things. He tightened his hold on his hair and squeezed his eyes shut. He’s not real. He’s not real. He’s not real.

But the voice came closer, panicked and worried. “Hyung, what happened? Are you hurt? Look at me.”

He felt warm hands engulfing his fingers to separate his hands from his hair. Then he felt a gentle touch on his cheek, forcing him to raise his head.

Soobin was looking at him with big, anxious eyes, his gaze scanning every part of his face to see what was wrong.

His lips were chapped and pale, and around his eyes were puffy and red. His hair was tousled like he ran his fingers through it, and there were dry tear tracks on his cheeks. But he was still so beautiful. Because he was his Soobin.

Yeonjun slowly lifted his hand and touched Soobin’s face gently — afraid that this wasn’t real, that he was imagining all of it.

His sobs died in his throat when he felt the warm skin under his fingertips. His voice trembled as he asked, “Are you real?”

Soobin was looking at him with furrowed brows, eyes confused at the question. Yeonjun caressed under his eyes, fingers feeling every part of his face, scared to hurt him. He shakily exhaled. “Are you my Soobin?”

Soobin wrapped his fingers around his hand and tilted his head toward his palm, his eyes soft as he answered. “I am.”

This is not a dream. I found him.

“You’re here,” Yeonjun started laughing, an incredulous tone in his voice. “I didn’t lose you.”

“Hyung, let’s get inside,” Soobin ignored his words, a frown taking place on his beautiful face. “You’re freezing.”

Yeonjun didn’t care, he didn’t even feel the cold. All he felt was warm, warm, warm — because his love was with him again. His Soobin came back to him.

He threw himself into Soobin’s arms and buried his face in his neck, his fingers tangled in his hair. Now his tears were falling for a different reason. He inhaled Soobin’s soft scent, his lungs finally feeling at peace after losing his lover’s scent for so long.

He tightened his arms around Soobin’s neck and tried to pull him to himself even more. “I thought I’d never see you again.”

Soobin smiled sadly at him and patted his hair. “Let’s talk inside, hm?”

Yeonjun, now a little more calm, nodded, but he didn’t take his hands off him. He held Soobin’s arm with a tight grip as Soobin opened the door with his keys.

Yeonjun felt like he could breathe again. Seeing Soobin in the confines of their home, feeling his presence in every corner was a sight he thought he could never see again. He felt like he was in a dream, but a dream could never be this pretty. A dream couldn’t give him the warmth Soobin’s hands were giving him, his fingers tightly wrapped around his smaller hand, squeezing it to make him relax.

When they sat down on their couch, they stared at each other without talking for a few minutes. They were feeling each other’s presence like a thirsty man in a desert. Yeonjun was roaming his eyes all over Soobin’s face, burning the details of him in his mind — the place of his moles, the small dent at the tip of his nose, the bow of his lips, his bunny teeth, how his hair was falling into his doe eyes…

A sudden longing spread into his chest, he was missing Soobin even when he was with him. Looking at him was not enough, he needed to feel him in his being. Under his fingertips, on his lips, between his arms… He yearned to touch.

But they needed to talk.

Soobin cleared his throat and opened his mouth. “Hyung—”

“Bin-ah,” Yeonjun interrupted him, wanting to say the words he waited to tell for so long, afraid of hearing Soobin’s words. He gently cupped his boyfriend’s face and caressed his cheekbone with his thumb. “My pretty Soobin.”

Soobin’s eyes were getting glassy at Yeonjun’s words, feeling warm under his attention but unable to shake his hurt.

“I’m so, so sorry,” Yeonjun continued. “Apologizing you a thousand times would never be enough, but please forgive me.” He took a deep breath. “I didn’t mean it.”

“Didn’t mean what?” Soobin asked. He wanted to hear, wanted to push away his insecurities. He wanted Yeonjun to console him.

“That my life would be better without you,” Yeonjun winced as he said those words, wondering how he spewed them in the first place. Talking about it made him feel like there was acid in his mouth. “My life is the most beautiful when I’m with you. I’m losing my purpose when you’re not with me, Binnie.”

“Are you…” Soobin gulped, a lonely tear escaped from his eyes. “Are you serious when you say that?”

“I swear I am,” Yeonjun said, catching Soobin’s tear with his finger and continuing to caress his cheek. His other hand was holding Soobin’s fingers, squeezing it softly to convey his feelings. “I thought about us when you were gone and I…” Yeonjun gulped and stared into Soobin’s eyes, praying for Soobin to feel his sincerity. “I don’t want to live in a world where you’re not beside me. Never.” Never again.

Soobin sniffled and averted his eyes. Yeonjun could hear his pulse in his ears, heart so afraid to hear something bad from Soobin. He couldn’t bear to lose him again when he finally had him. He would be ruined.

“Hyung, your words hurt me,” Soobin said after a while. “I never knew I could feel that hurt, but I felt my heart get torn apart at your words. And I don’t know how to forget them.”

Yeonjun closed his eyes to prevent his tears from falling. Was Soobin going to break up with him?

Please don’t leave me. I’m not strong enough to live it again.

He didn’t realize how tight he was holding Soobin’s hand when he felt a warmth on his fingers. Soobin was playing with his hands, avoiding making eye contact with him. Yeonjun was desperate to make everything all right.

“Soobin-ah,”

“But I want to believe you,” Soobin continued, finally raising his gaze to look him in the eyes. “I want to forgive you.”

Yeonjun shakily exhaled. Did he still have a chance?

“I’ll do anything,” he said. “Anything. I’ll make you trust me again.”

“Can you just… be patient with me?” Soobin asked. “I know we’ll be okay, but it’s going to take some time.”

“Of course,” he nodded. “Anything for you, love.” He raised his hand and pulled Soobin toward himself, feeling him snuggling against his chest. “As long as you’re with me, I can do anything. Just… Please don’t leave me again.”

“Yeah, I’m sorry,” Soobin grimaced. “I don’t think I could've stayed at home, but at least I should’ve let you know where I was. You must be worried.”

“I was.” Yeonjun nodded, a grim expression on his face as he remembered the first moment he realized Soobin wasn’t at home. “I was about to go crazy.”

“Sorry again,” Soobin pouted. “And I’m also sorry for nagging you. I should've been more understanding.”

“You were just trying to take care of me. You did nothing wrong. I was just angry, had the worst day, and it just came back to back.” Yeonjun shook his head. “But that doesn't excuse my words. No matter what, I shouldn’t have taken it out on you. You didn’t deserve that.”

Soobin nodded. “It’s okay.”

“It’s not,” Yeonjun sighed. “But I’ll make everything okay. I promise.”

“Okay. I believe you.”

“We will be all right, right?” Yeonjun asked, needing to hear the affirmation again.

“Yeah.” Soobin nodded. “We’ll figure it out. We always do.”

Yeonjun just hugged Soobin tighter and started leaving kisses all over his face — his forehead, his eyelids, his cheeks, his nose, his hair, his neck, his lips... He kissed everywhere he could reach, mapping Soobin’s face with his lips. He took a deep breath to inhale his scent, repairing his broken soul with Soobin’s existence.

He didn’t know what he went through. It felt like a different universe. It felt like a nightmare. It felt like a curse. But he didn’t want to question it, ready to leave it all behind and start mending their relationship. The only thing that mattered was that he had his lover in his arms.

Soobin was in his arms, after all these hellish months. He was with him, and he was giving him a chance, and Yeonjun wasn’t going to make the same mistakes. Never again.

He felt Soobin relax in his arms. He was mumbling something sleepily, his breath kissing his neck and his nose tickling his skin.

He was finally home, next to his boyfriend, where he belonged.

He rested his cheek on Soobin’s hair and sighed. Soobin hugged him a little tighter.

Yeah, Yeonjun thought as he smiled lovingly at Soobin. We will be okay.