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When Michael Kaiser first kissed him, late one night in a bar somewhere in Munich (that Agi had yet to visit since after they had agreed not to go out drinking in public again, lest someone see Michael’s drunken, flirtatious displays of affection,) Agi was left in shock and confusion. He had wanted to study Michael up close for sure… but as a player. As an athlete. He wanted to sit on the sidelines and track Michael with his eyes to observe how effective his body was for Michael’s sport of choice. Soak in the finer details that could not be captured with stitched together clips thrown together by a media company somewhere in Germany that didn’t understand (or maybe they did) that the best way to observe a player’s techniques was in one continuous film, not in a mishmash of different angles of the same instance twenty different times.
He hadn’t known that he also wanted to observe Michael Kaiser up close, locked away in a hotel room somewhere in Paris, where they had both coincidentally bumped into one another… a meeting of fates that Agi did not initially want to give in to, but nevertheless did once Michael started discussing football at dinner and Agi could not look away from the red stain of wine on his lips. He could not help but wonder if this is what relationships were… if this was all they were meant to be.
Peer pressure to consume alcohol in celebration of another team’s victory, followed up with an awkward session of copulation and a sleepless night in which Agi stared at the ceiling and tried to reason with feelings and sensations he had never had the pleasure of experiencing before.
As a result, he relied too much on Michael, for he was the one who seemed to understand himself and what he wanted (and did not want) better than Agi did. He waited for cues that were obvious… indications that Michael wanted to share a kiss, or that he was wanting something more than just that.
He allowed Michael to define their relationship as well, and that was where he knew he made his first mistake.
Agi wasn’t sure what he wanted from this chance relationship with Michael. He was almost confident that it wouldn’t last forever. Their personalities and goals in life were too different. Similar yes, but even so they would be impacted severely if they joined each other’s lives. Would it be worth it to be long distance until they retired simply so they could be on teams that suited them best, even if those teams were in different leagues in different countries hundreds of miles apart? Would their budding romance or fling or “situationship” (as his teammate had described his own relationship) survive any amount of stress?
Agi wasn’t sure that it would.
He enjoyed Michael. He liked sitting with him and talking about each other. Their interests and the things they enjoyed, while very different, were always received with care and enthusiasm. Agi could listen to him speak about whatever made him tick for hours, because all Agi wanted to do was understand. He wanted to know every inch of his mind, simply so he could express that he knew the best striker of their generation inside and out.
But, his interest in Michael, while scholarly and professional in their first interactions throughout their youths, had developed into one of affection. While he certainly did not lead the growth of these affections, he did not entirely hate it either.
He could confidently say that through Michael’s sloppy attempts to gather his attention, Agi had grown quite fond of him. He was still a bit confused when and where Michael’s opinion of him had shifted from disgust to lust, and it was still baffling that lust was something anyone would feel towards him, but he accepted it, and the fondness grew.
Fondness was an interesting way to describe his feelingsthough, because his fond affection made him feel warm and loose and at times, all Agi did was to make Michael happy.
Michael had won him over with persistence and confessions, and he often expressed his relief at Agi reciprocating his feelings with grand displays of affection. Gifts and trips and hotel stays. Things that Agi didn’t need, but accepted even so just so that he could spend more time with Michael. Things that made Agi feel special… wanted. It made him realize that their interactions up to this point hadn’t been a mistake. That Michael hadn’t kissed him simply because he had been drinking, and hadn’t offered to spend the evening with him in France simply because they bumped into each other at the PXG game. It made him feel as if their relationship was real and genuine, and that Michael actually loved him.
If all of that was true, and Michael was his partner for only reasons of love and devotion, then why did other times make things feel so fake?
Agi wouldn’t say that he felt as if Michael was ashamed of him, but this was the only way he could articulate it that made any kind of sense.
They had not made their relationship public on any level, and this Agi was fine with. Michael’s closest friends knew, as did Agi’s parents and siblings. Agi had shared the news as well with his closest friends, but convincing them that Michael Kaiser was his partner had been no easy feat. He was convinced that some of them still did not believe him, and that was all well and good as he didn’t fancy having to convince anyone of his relationship’s legitimacy.
Keeping their relationship private was never the issue. Agi agreed with it wholeheartedly when Michael suggested it. He had never been a fan of the paparazzi, and was not looking forward to photographers attempting to capture any degree of intimacy that they shared together. He didn’t want the rumors to start swirling in a negative way. He just wanted to exist with Michael. Nothing more, and nothing less.
The issue…the sole reason that the problems all started… was that at times Michael almost seemed ashamed of their relationship.
Ashamed of him.
He first noticed these occurrences when Michael came to visit him in Manchester. Fresh off the plane, they shared in their excitement at getting to see each other physically for the first time in weeks.
They shared a hug and a kiss in the privacy of tinted windows in the parking garage, and yet, when Michael received a phone call from Alexis Ness, asking what he was doing with his free time this weekend, Michael described him as a friend.
A friend.
Nothing more. Nothing less.
Agi had shrugged this off as a minor occurrence. Something that… truly didn’t matter. It cast a dark shadow over his heart for a moment, but then Michael hung up the phone, smiled at him, and reached across the center console to squeeze his thigh.
Confusion.
The simplest way to explain his emotions.
Confusion that Michael would deny him to his closest friend, but then turn around in the same moment and show him care and love. Agi returned his smile and tried to ignore it.
But, these small things began to pile up.
One thing became two, and two became three, and soon an entire list blossomed in his mind that made Agi question.
Am I wasting my time?
Agi had never really sought out an emotional connection with another before. He never knew he would fall onto a list of eligible bachelors for Michael, nor anyone else, so he had never learned through his own experience what these things meant.
Was it a bad sign that whenever Agi made an attempt to hold Michael’s hand, it only lasted until someone glanced their way? Michael, visibly shaking off his touch, clasping his hands in his lap, and looking away.
Agi pretended to not be hurt by this, but it was hard not to be.
Or, how whenever their weekly video calls fell when Michael was with others, he often tried to end the call as quickly as possible, just so they would not be discovered, as if that was such an awful thing.
The record for shortest video call was 30 seconds, and the majority of it was spent with Michael looking anywhere else but at him.
But Agi was understanding. He knew every time wouldn’t be perfect. Michael was as busy as he, if not more so. He would not be able to focus on Agi all the time. He couldn’t expect that of him.
He didn’t want Michael to resent him.
Even so…
When Michael turned his head away from a kiss that Agi thought he wanted, he was hurt.
He felt himself receding back into himself… back to a time when he was simply described as the strange child… the weird kid. The one with no friends and no desire to make any, even if it was terribly lonely. Back then, all he had was himself and his football, and that was all he needed.
All he wanted.
He began to resent Michael.
Mostly, he resented him for making him feel something and then taking it away. For making him fall in love, and then making him question if it was all even genuine.
Did Michael love him?
Did he want to be with him? Have a future together beyond the immediate time they had right then? Did he even like him?
Or was he ashamed?
Was he embarrassed?
Agi had to admit that they weren’t perfect for each other. Michael was the concrete definition of perfection, from his appearance to his skills on the field. His personality could do with a bit of work, but Agi knew that being in a relationship with someone meant that you accepted all of their faults and flaws and didn’t try to fix them.
Agi knew that he would never hold a candle to Michael’s appearance. He would never have the same number of fans. He was not charismatic nor charming, and those who loved him best loved him for what he could bring to the table, not for who he was.
So it made sense when he tried to rationalize things. Michael, like all the rest, wanted him for what he could do for him.
That thought, though it made sense to him, didn’t make it hurt any less.
It didn’t make him forget all of the times he was so happy, just to have it ripped away or shrugged off and ignored.
He didn’t like this feeling.
He refused to let it linger any further.
“Do I embarrass you?”
“What? That’s idiotic, why would you think that?”
The conversation was harder to have than he thought.
“Sometimes… it just seems as if you would rather be anywhere else than with me.”
He did not articulate the specifics, not because he did not want to, but because the complaint died on his tongue the moment he tried to speak. He felt guilty for feeling this way, but it was a sensation that he could not shake without the validation and affirmation from his partner.
Michael, silent on the other end of the line.
Agi, silent as he waited for Michael to speak.
“Nevermind, forget I said anything.”
“Agi-”
“I will see you this weekend? If you can make it. Remember that I won’t be able to pick you up from the airport this time, but you know where to find my key.”
Giving him options that allowed him to have an out if he did not really want to come.
He hung up the phone before Michael had an opportunity to respond. He regretted that after setting his phone down, but he did not like the idea of becoming emotional. He did not like the idea of making Michael feel guilty for something that likely had a valid, understandable reason.
Maybe they could talk about it later, if later ever came.
Michael though is full of surprises.
Surprisingly thoughtful. Surprisingly sensitive. Simply surprising.
He hadn’t talked to Michael since their phone call. No text messages. No calls. No inquiries as to Agi’s frame of mind or the reasoning behind those statements. He didn’t let Agi know if he was coming or not, but news of his arrival reached his ears even before he returned to his home.
News clips, tabloids, Michael’s face shrouded in sunglasses on the front page of the Sun and the Daily Mail had Agi blushing and covering his mouth to hide his smile as the news swept through the ManCity locker room. Questions spinning, with only Agi knowing the answer.
“Why’s Michael Kaiser wearing a City jersey? He’s lookin like a complete prick.”
Comments from his teammates flooded his mind as he left their training grounds, making his way back to his flat at a rate that would make his mother scold him for driving unsafely, but at that moment, Agi did not really care. All he needed was to see if the news was true.
Though, of course any pictures can be edited and slapped online at any time, these seemed incredibly real. It could not be a coincidence. Even though Michael was wearing a coat that obscured the name and number on the back of the jersey, it was undeniably his.
His front door was unlocked when he returned home, Michael conveniently forgetting to lock it behind himself on his way into his home. He was sitting cross legged on his couch, jacket forgotten, and he greeted Agi with a short wave as he ended the call he was currently feilding.
Agi sat beside him, keeping his distance polite and respectful, while Michael crossed his arms over his chest and pouted.
“Is that my jersey?” Agi asked, his face neutral and expressionless as he waited for Michael to respond.
“Of course it’s yours. You actually think I’d get one of your teammates? Disgusting.” Michael rolled his eyes before turning, exposing the back of the jersey for Agi to see. His name was plastered across Michael’s shoulders, claiming him in a way that made Agi unexpectedly proud. “Happy? I don’t know why you would think I was embarrassed of you. Stupid Doctor.”
“I am very happy,” Agi confirmed, inching closer so that he was now sitting side by side with Michael. He gingerly wrapped an arm over his shoulders, uncertain and still a bit hesitant as he tried to fight off the thoughts that told him Michael was only doing this to appease him and make him happy. That it didn’t mean anything. Because it felt like it meant everything. “Did you mean to get caught so publicly?”
“That was an unintended side effect,” Michael pouted, lower lip sticking out as he allowed Agi to hold him, not shrugging off his touch this time.
“No hiding now,” Agi commented, his fingers tracing over the threadwork on Michael’s sleeve. Michael looked nice in the City’s sky blue jersey. It almost put bad ideas in his head of Michael transferring to his team… he would at least fit the uniform well. “It feels… freeing almost.”
Michael rolled his eyes, though Agi is not sure what that meant. He did feel a bit free. Maybe now, he could hold Michael’s hand as they walked from the car to dinner. Maybe they could kiss with earnest, and not hide chaste pecks behind their hands.
But, he also felt more secure, knowing that Michael had claimed his dedication to him in such a public manner. Agi wanted to return the favor, so that Michael knew his efforts did not go unnoticed or unreciprocated.
“Do you have a jersey for me?” Agi asked, cocking his head to the side as he proposed his question.
Michael’s cheeks only grew red in response, and he turned his head away, hiding his face from Agi’s unblinking stare.
But that was okay.
Michael was leading him after all.
Maybe, this was a one way display of their feelings for each other because Agi had already made his interest and devotion to Michael perfectly clear.
Maybe, Michael was not ready for Agi to make such a public declaration of their love to the world, and to claim Michael as his own in the same way Michael had claimed him.
Maybe, they were working through things at their own speed, and while Agi was ready to accept all Michael had to offer him, Michael was not quite there yet. Maybe he needed a bit more coaxing and prodding to show Agi what he really felt.
Maybe he was ashamed of himself and his own presentation of his romantic interests, rather than ashamed that his heart had decided on Agi himself.
Agi was still uncertain. Still learning. Still observing Michael to understand everything he is, and everything he means to him.
But he had learned a valuable nugget of information from this alone.
If you present Michael Kaiser with a challenge, he will accept it wholeheartedly.
And if the challenge is to express his affection and care for his partner in a way that shows he is proud to be his boyfriend, then he will do so in a way that even Agi could not have predicted.
He was full of surprises after all.