Archive of Our Own

When the new first year joined them, Toge did a lot of watching. He knew it took awhile for people to understand him, to really get to know him-- if anyone ever really knew him, that is. Maki and Panda began to understand him the longer they hung out, and it took awhile for him to let them understand him.

But with Yuuta Okkotsu, it was different. He jumped, flinched, and tried to laugh it off every time Toge approached him. It stung, but he could see the same mannerisms in Yuuta that he himself used to wear. When people got too close, when Maki casually bumped their shoulders together; he used to stiffen and look away, too.

He knew it wasn’t easy, letting others in.

It changed after their mission together, at least. Yuuta began to understand him. He gravitated toward him instead of awkwardly shuffling away. He began to seek out his company— which was a new thing in general for Toge, something he had never experienced before.

“So please be nice to him, okay?” Was what Panda had said, his voice carrying on the wind from the window. He must’ve not known it was cracked open to let the breeze in, something Toge did to air out the building. It made his jaw clench, his eyebrows pinching together as he tried to not eavesdrop on the conversation. He let out a small hum, whistling softly, giving off an air of casualness so they wouldn’t think he could hear them. 

It was hard not to, but it made his heart squeeze in an odd way at how Yuuta said he wanted to do his best, how he agreed so easily to what Panda had said. How he blurted out an “ of course” without hesitance; that the thought of being nice to him was normal. It made Toge squeeze his eyes shut and inhale sharply.

Shaking his head, he tilted the watering can over the plants; he watched as the petals and leaves flickered from the pressure. A small smile curved across his lips as he bent down, gently lifting his hand to touch one of the petals. He leaned down a bit more to sniff at it, smiling at the floral fragrance that greeted him.

He waited a few more moments until he heard Panda amble away. Letting out a sigh, he buried his nose back into his scarf and hopped back up to his feet. When he turned, he found Yuuta watching him. For a moment, he kept eye contact. A small staring contest until Yuuta crumbled, a slight pink hue dusting across his cheeks, shoulders hunching forward, and he offered up a nervous wave.

Toge couldn’t help but huff out a small laugh, waving back. Tilting his head, he arched an eyebrow, pointing down at the watering can at his feet. Yuuta startled a bit, eyes going from the pitcher and back to Toge’s face and back again. It took a few moments, as if the other was trying to work up the courage, but then he was moving to the side door.

Once he got outside and to the small campus garden, Toge hauled the watering can into his arms and stuffed it into Yuuta’s hands.

“Wha- I don’t- you want me to-?” Yuuta sputtered on the spot, looking cautiously down at the lines and lines of different plants. “I don’t know…which ones have you already done? What if I overwater…or…not enough…or, uh, I…I have a black thumb, I’ve never…”

“Mentaiko.”

Yuuta clamped his jaw shut, swallowing heavily. “Sorry. I’ll follow your lead?” He said, fingers circling around the handle. Toge smiled, the action hidden beneath his teal blue scarf, but the way he crinkled his eyes purposefully gave it away, and it seemed to relax Yuuta just enough.

He slowly led the way around the garden, pointing at the plants and watching Yuuta pour the pitcher over them. Sliding his hand out, he gently halted Yuuta at every plant, patiently showing him how much water was needed with each one, guiding him with the same skill one would on the training field.

The special grade sorcerer took it all in stride. He followed Toge around like this was a normal lesson, like it was just as serious as anything else he had learned here. He never complained, eyes shining as he watched the plants sparkle in the sunlight.

When they were finished, Toge led him over to the well where he drew water. There, they refilled the watering can, and then Toge turned and offered him a thumbs up.

“Wait, that’s it? There’s nothing else we need to do?”

Toge shook his head. “Okaka.”

“Really?”

“Okaka.”

Yuuta looked like he wanted to argue, as if he was actually enjoying being forced to water a handful of plants. It made Toge smile again, always so relieved for the bottom half of his face being covered so people couldn’t properly read his expression. Deciding that Yuuta deserved more than a few rice ball ingredients while he was still learning to understand him, he pulled his phone out and typed away.

“I trimmed them yesterday and resoiled them, too. Come back in a few days and I can teach you some more, yeah?”

After scanning the device, Yuuta lifted his gaze, looking a bit far too excited over learning how to garden. Maybe he found peace in it, too.

“Really? You’ll show me?”

Toge swallowed thickly, nodding his head slightly. “Shake, shake.”

The smile he got in return made him have to look away, the back of his neck feeling far too hot for how chilly the wind surrounding them was. They made their way back inside after that, Yuuta filling the space between them with comfortable, random chatter.

It felt normal. It felt casual.

It felt like what coming home should feel like.

Putting a hand over his face, Toge found himself unable to sleep. That happened far too often for his liking, the darkness far too easy to get lost in. He wasn’t sure how anyone else could do it, but realistically, he knew they all had their own demons to face. They all had sleepless nights. He knew, realistically, that he wasn’t alone in this issue.

He had found Maki in the kitchen staring at a cup of ramen in the microwave just last week. Just standing there, staring, the microwave blinking back at her. Beeping every few seconds as if to remind her that the food was there, waiting to be taken out and eaten.

He stood in the shadows, blinking, unable to move, unable to offer comfort, unable to ask if she was okay. He wouldn’t even know what to do, so he watched as she popped the machine open, poured the contents out, and went back to bed.

He didn’t ask, but he made sure she had the most sugar induced pancakes waiting for her in the morning, and made sure to give her hell at training the next day. He made sure they crammed onto the couch the following night and binged watched crappy comedy movies, because he knew she would never say it, but even she hated being alone.

None of them knew how to ask for help. A flaw in their system was being forced to deal with the fact that dying was an everyday risk. One wrong move, one reckless plan, and their life could be over. That was a reason he assumed Gojo insisted they all needed a little bit of crazy, because no sane person would ever choose this line of work.

In any sense, it wasn’t like Toge had any other choice. There was nothing for him but sorcery work.

Tilting his head back, he rested the back of his head against his mattress, staring up at the ceiling. They were all littered with nightmares. Haunted by monsters. Forced to deal with all of this and act like they weren’t just kids playing tug of war with death.

A frustrated groan left his lips, the energy fizzling out and dying on the tip of his tongue with the sound. He stumbled to his feet and turned, not bothering to put on a jacket or proper shoes. He slipped on his house slippers and padded down the hallway, making his way through the kitchen and toward the garden.

A slight chill coated the walls as he went, making him furrow his eyebrows, a slight shiver running down his spine. He found the window cracked open just a bit, the crisp air hitting his lungs and making him sigh softly. Toge had never forgotten to close the windows before, it wasn’t like him to leave them open. He knew bugs could crawl through, or it could mess up the air conditioning system Gojo had set up in their dorms.

For a moment, the guilt of forgetting to safely latch the windows back into place began to fester. Quickening his pace, he reached out, nimble fingers working on muscle memory as they went to snap the windows closed. However, when he glanced out the window, Toge paused.

In the moonlight, perfectly standing in its glow, stood Yuuta. He stared down at the plants, his body hunched forward, a fuzzy navy blue blanket wrapped snugly around his shoulders. It felt as if he were imposing on something private, watching the way his friend slowly kneeled on the ground before the bush of red roses, gently touching the buds as if they would fall apart by his touch alone.

Toge had always thought he was good at observing. He would slip Maki her favorite bag of chips when she ran low with her stock, he would cook Panda extra food when he was feeling left out because all he wanted to do was share a meal and feel included, and he would send cute animal videos to Yuuta when he looked particularly down because they always made him smile.

Toge observed. He never acted right away, though, never wanting to butt in, never wanting to bother or annoy. Never wanting to overstep.

The way Yuuta’s hand shook, though, as if the flower in front of him meant more than he could ever understand, made Toge’s own heart hurt. He wanted to slip outside and ask Yuuta what was going on in that head of his, to let him lean on his shoulder and spill all the sorrows in his heart into the winter winds. The worries could be blown away like that; whispered between them both and then come morning, they could pretend for a moment that everything was okay.

Instead, Toge quietly left the windows as they were, assuming his friend was the one who had propped them open. It had probably become a habit for him to do it as well, seeing as how he watched and learned from Toge as well.

Instead of stepping outside and offering his comfort, he decided to give Yuuta his private moment. Afterall, for all Toge knew, his presence wasn’t even wanted at this very moment. Even though he had come out here in an attempt to chase away his own thoughts tumbling around in his head, he relented and turned around.

He’d have to figure out how to cheer Yuuta up in the morning.

He didn’t do anything the following morning. A mission and some training later, Toge found himself in the kitchen quickly throwing together some salted cabbage. After making the dish that was, for some reason, Yuuta’s favorite food, he set it aside and slapped a sticky note on it for the other before taking his leave. 

When he returned about an hour later, he found the special grade sorcerer sitting at the table happily munching away. The smile on his face, the way he kicked his feet a little as he enjoyed the meal— it made Toge smile to himself. He couldn’t do much, but at least he could do this. 

Slipping away, he nearly ran into Maki as he tried to make his escape. She simply arched an eyebrow, glancing over his shoulder and around the corner before letting out a huff of a laugh. She gave him a shit eating grin, and he raised an eyebrow back to challenge her. 

“You’re hopeless,” she sighed, shaking her head as she shouldered her way into the kitchen. 

Dumbly, Toge watched her go. What did she mean by that? 

“Tuna?” He asked the empty air, receiving no answer, yet the sound of Yuuta squawking as Maki probably swiped some food from him reached his ears. 

“Tuna? Tuna tuna??” He whispered, furrowing his eyebrows together in confusion. What had she meant by that? 

“I don’t know how to let go.”

Toge paused, blinking in surprise. The watering can nearly slipped from his grasp, but he was quick to catch it with his fingers. Clearing his throat, he lifted his gaze, head tilting slightly to the side. He didn’t press, but he angled his body more toward his friend, patiently waiting to see if he’d say anything else.

Yuuta hummed as he dug a stake into the ground, maneuvering around to help set up the tarp. Setting the pitcher down, Toge quickly moved to help him, grabbing one end of the tarp and helping to spread it out. A good way to help shield the garden from the harsh winter weather. They’d do what they could for now to try and save the poor things.

When there was no answer, Toge almost relented. It was in his nature to keep his head down, stay quiet, and to not push. However, something inside of himself wanted to, just this once, gently prod out an answer from the other.

“Mentaiko?” He whispered, holding the tarp up against one of the boards they had set up. Yuuta pursed his lips out into a small pout, gnawing on his bottom lip anxiously as he clumsily hammered a nail into the tarp. The small thunk of the nail hitting wood, the sound of the wood splintering beneath the hits, were all that filled the space for a moment.

Yuuta looked to be deep in thought. He kept opening and closing his mouth, but nothing came out.

Thunk. Thunk. Thunk.

Toge watched as the nail dug deep into the wood, the tarp securely strapped to the wood now. He had a feeling that if there was too much wind, then it could still blow over, but it would work for now. They didn’t really have the salary for an actual roof or actual protection, so flimsy wood and a tarp set up around the small garden would have to do.

Thunk. Thunk. Thunk.

“Tuna, tuna-” Toge blurted out, voice a pitch above his normal tone. Yuuta didn’t listen, the hammer swinging back and slamming down against the nail, but it was so far in that it missed. The hammer banged against his thumb, making Yuuta gasp and drop the tool. It stumbled to the floor, and Toge had to move his own foot to keep it from narrowly missing his shoe.

“ Caviar, mentaiko!” Toge said, sweeping forward to take Yuuta’s hand in his. The special grade sorcerer stiffened at the contact, swallowing thickly, watching as Toge moved his hand closer.

Squinting down at the limb, he tsked and shook his head. Gently, he smoothed Yuuta’s hand against his palm, his other hand carefully pressing down on the growing bruise on his finger. The other flinched slightly, giving Toge a watery look.

“Sorry, I just…I wasn’t…Inumaki-kun, I…”

Toge shook his head, kicking the hammer aside and tugging Yuuta inside. They were quiet on the way to the kitchen, Toge leading them through the hall and into the room.

Forcing Yuuta into a chair, he moved to the freezer and opened it up to retrieve an ice pack. When he handed it over, he was met with a protest, Yuuta shrinking back and swallowing hard.

“I don’t need-”

Toge plopped down into the chair next to his friend, grabbing his hand a bit forcefully and placing the ice onto his finger. Flinching back a little from the sudden temperature change, Yuuta inhaled softly and looked down at his lap. He almost seemed ashamed, if not a little embarrassed.

“I’m sorry.”

“Okaka.”

“I don’t…need this, really, it’ll just bruise, is all, it’s okay.”

Fishing his phone out, he typed out a quick message and slid the device over on the tabletop. “It was either this or Shoko, and I think you’d fight me more if I took you to Shoko, right?”

Yuuta laughed a bit nervously, lifting his shoulders up to his ears as he thought it over. “I could probably…try to fix it myself?”

Toge raised an eyebrow, tilting his head in curiosity. “Takana?”

“Aha…yeah, um..I’ve been learning how to use reverse cursed technique.”

Swiping his phone back to reply, he couldn’t help but let curiosity get the better of him. “What do you mean? I didn’t know you could do that.”

“I didn’t either, but then I just…it just sort of happened.”

Moving closer, Toge lifted his hand and settled it over where the ice pack was. Yuuta didn’t move away, and instead was looking at the table where Toge’s phone was, as if it were his own version of making sure he didn’t miss a word of what Toge could say.

“That’s pretty cool. You’ve learned a lot since you first came here, it’s cool.”

Yuuta smiled, but it was tight and didn’t quite reach his eyes.

“So why not try it now?”

Lifting his other hand, Yuuta awkwardly rubbed the back of his neck and laughed nervously. “I don’t think I trust myself quite yet. Shoko has been teaching me, though, but…”

“Well, it’s a minor wound, couldn’t hurt to try, right?”

Yuuta settled his free hand on the table, staring at the ice pack. He hesitated, so Toge squeezed the ice pack gently, pressing it down against his hand. A silent way of telling him he supported him.

Slowly, Yuuta moved Toge’s hand off, then let the ice pack slip onto the table. The bruise was pretty gnarly-- he had used a lot of force behind it. He looked to Toge, as if searching for more support. Toge offered up a small smile and a nod, leaning closer and gently nudging their shoulders together. That seemed to do the trick, because Yuuta then settled his uninjured hand onto the one with the bruise.

He looked so concentrated for a moment. At first, Toge thought he was holding back again, but then he felt the slight shimmer of cursed energy fill the room. He watched, leaning over the table a bit more as he watched Yuuta focus on his own hand. Within moments, the bruise subsided, and then it faded from existence just like that.

They both held their breath for a moment after, as if waiting for some sort of backlash from it. When nothing bad happened, a blinding smile split across Yuuta’s features, and he jerked his head up to give Toge an excited look.

“Oh my god, I did it!” He laughed, waving his bruise free hand around. “It’s gone! I healed it! And it was easy!”

Toge couldn’t help but smile back, the excitement almost contagious. He nudged their shoulders together again, nodding along. Holding his hand out, Yuuta tilted his head in confusion for a moment before slowly placing his now healed limb into his awaiting grasp.

Tugging it closer to inspect the healed bruise, Toge leaned forward to press a small kiss to it.

“For good measure.” He explained in sign, ducking back down into his scarf and letting go of Yuuta’s hand. 

He snuck a glance back at the other, swallowing down his anxiety at the flushed look on his face. With wide eyes, Yuuta lifted his hand and smiled before dropping it into his lap. He looked back at Toge, the look on his face softening as he took a moment to compose himself.

“Thank you,” he mumbled back. Toge blinked in surprise, reaching for his phone again.

“You understood that?”

He shrugged back. “I’ve been practicing. I’m still not great at it, but…yeah.”

It was Toge’s turn to flush red, burying his nose into the soft fabric of his scarf. He could feel the heat crawling down his neck, and he cleared his throat and crinkled his eyes into an appreciative smile. He wasn’t sure he could ever truly explain how much that meant to him. That Yuuta was teaching himself, learning to communicate with him…

He signed out a small thank you, which only made Yuuta chuckle and wave him off. “Don’t thank me for that, you’re my friend. It’s the least I could do.”

Toge paused, eyes widening at the words. Before he could comment or try to cover his surprise, Yuuta continued.

“I’m sorry, by the way,” he mumbled, the look on his face sombering as he looked at the ice pack melting on the surface of it. “I was careless and that got me injured-- doesn’t matter that it was small. I worried you. So, uh, yeah…I’m sorry.”

Biting the inside of his cheek, Toge hesitated for only a second before reaching out to gently touch the other’s shoulder. He gave it a comforting squeeze. Then, he reached for his phone again. 

“It’s okay. But, if it’s alright, can I ask what you meant? The thing that you said before we started putting the tarp up.” 

Yuuta leaned back in his chair, running a hand down his face and letting out a small sigh. He seemed so conflicted with himself, as if opening up would make Toge run away. Or maybe he just didn’t know how to explain himself. Toge understood that feeling all too well. 

“I cursed her. She never moved on, because I clung. And I don’t know how to…not do that. How do I let her go, how do I get over it? How do I move on, when she doesn’t get the chance to do that herself? I took away her life, Inumaki-kun. She might as well have taken away mine, too, when she didn’t get back up.” 

Toge swallowed thickly. “You weren’t driving the car, Yuuta.” 

“I let go of her hand.” 

“Okay? That isn’t on you, you were a kid.” 

“I should’ve gone first, not her.” 

“Yuuta, stop it.” 

Yuuta shrunk in on himself, looking away from the phone. Toge wasn’t sure he had ever typed so fast in his life, just to make sure he could keep up with Yuuta’s downward spiral. However, him looking away now would make it harder to drill what he wanted to say into him. 

So he slid the device back into his hands  and took his time typing. 

“I was five when I killed someone for the first time. It has haunted me my entire life, and I have never truly forgiven myself for it. It was an accident— I just wanted-“ he almost typed ‘a friend,’ but quickly backspaced. “- someone to talk to. However, we live and we learn, and sometimes bad things happen and there is nothing we can do about it. You were a kid, Yuuta, and you were walking home from school. You stopped because you, what, wanted to tie your shoe? Check something? Whatever it was, it doesn’t matter.” 

He sighed a bit, running a hand through his spiky hair.

“The one responsible for her death, was the person who hit her and didn’t stop when a kid was crossing the street. That's on them, not you. I know you probably have gotten this speech before from your parents or maybe hopefully a therapist, and I probably seem like I’m overstepping, but it wasn’t your fault. Her death was not your fault.” 

He held his breath as he slid his phone across the tabletop. He curled in on himself as Yuuta slowly leaned forward to read the words, stormy blue eyes zigzagging across the screen. Toge couldn’t look away. How could he? This was the most he had ever overstepped, and it was probably not his place, and Yuuta was going to hate him now. 

Turning away, he forced himself to grab the ice pack and get up. After placing it in the freezer and shutting the door again, he took a moment to compose himself. Who the hell did he think he was? Casually info dumping about himself in an attempt to relate? This was not his area of expertise. He should’ve been normal and offered a hug and just continued on and figure out how to fix it from the shadows later on. 

When he returned to the table, he felt the ground give way beneath his feet. The lights dimmed around himself, his heart leaping into his throat at the sight before him. Yuuta sat hunched over in his chair, his once injured hand gripping the front of his uniform. Fat tears slid down his face, shoulders shaking as he stared down at Toge’s phone. 

Oddly enough, though, he made no noise; just sat there and sobbed silently over the device. 

Carefully, Toge bent down, lifting a hand and brushing away some of Yuuta’s hair. 

“Mentaiko? Takana, Okaka, takana.” 

Yuuta sniffled, gasping as he looked up. He looked rough. “No! No- don’t- don’t apologize, I-“ he hiccuped, lip quivering as he desperately shook his head. 

“No one has ever told me that.” 

Toge furrowed his eyebrows together. 

“Mentaiko?” 

“I didn’t go to therapy. I had to distance myself when I cursed her. My dad stopped…he didn’t really like being alone with me.” 

The realization hit Toge all at once, his violet eyes widening with grief for his friend. He pointed toward his phone, nodding as Yuuta handed it back with shaky hands.    

“You’ve never been told that it’s not your fault?” 

Yuuta shook his head. “N-no. I mean- for cursing her, um. Yeah. Gojo-sensei, he said I didn’t know how to control my technique and energy or whatever, so I shouldn’t blame myself for it, but for her…for the..before I cursed her, no one has ever…” 

Toge bent down, setting his phone atop the table. “Takana, okaka.” He whispered, hating the way his vocabulary sounded so insincere in this moment. However, he lifted his arms and carefully wrapped them around Yuuta, pulling him into a hug. 

A stuttered gasp of surprise left the other, and he was quick to lift his own arms and yank Toge in close to return the hug. It was a bit awkward with Yuuta sitting down and Toge half bent at his waist, but that didn’t stop Toge from squeezing his friend back in what he hoped was a comforting manner. 

He didn’t let go until Yuuta’s sobs subsided, and even then, he didn’t step aside until he felt as if Yuuta was feeling a bit better. Sliding back into the chair from before, he tugged on his scarf and unwinded it from around his neck- something he should’ve done when this conversation started, really- and placed it next to himself. Now fully visible, he gave his friend a genuine, yet soft, smile. 

Yuuta looked as if he would cry again, and that only made Toge giggle a little. 

“Thank you, Inumaki-kun. Can I…say something, too?” 

Not sure what he could say back, Toge nodded and patiently waited. 

“It wasn’t your fault, either.” 

Now that wasn’t what he was expecting. The words hit him like a freight train. His eyes widened, jaw dropping slightly, and he tried to come up with something clever to say, but his throat felt oddly dry. 

“You were a kid, too, and your parents and family failed you by not teaching you and for not looking out for you properly. I’m sorry you had to go through that.”

“O…Okaka,” Toge said slowly, eyes as wide as a dinner plate. He had never shared that story before. Not to Maki, not to Panda. Gojo knew, since it was in his file, and he was almost positive his family made sure to let the school know just how dangerous he was. But he hadn’t willingly ever told anyone about it. He had his own demons to chase away, and it just so happened that for once, he decided to share those demons with someone else for a change. 

Maybe that was a bit selfish of him, but he liked to think that he was allowed to be so every once and awhile. That mindset was new to him, and it made him shake his head in disbelief as the thought crossed his mind. 

“Don’t okaka me,” Yuuta teased, turning the tables on him and taking the chance to bump his shoulder against Toge’s this time.

Huffing a little, Toge rolled his eyes in a good natured way.

“Thank you, Yuuta.”

Yuuta glanced at the phone screen to read it before looking back up. He took the chance to tilt his body to the side, his head gently thunking against Toge’s shoulder. It caused him to stiffen up a little in surprise, blinking in confusion as he slowly began to relax.

“Thank you, Inumaki-kun.”

Toge smiled a little, resting his head atop Yuuta’s.

“Shake, shake.”

“I still see her, you know.”

Toge put down the trimmers, blinking slowly as he collected the ruined parts of the plant and looked over. He raised an eyebrow.

“...Shake?”

Yuuta paused with his own trimming, looking away from the stems and staring back at Toge. They continued to stare until Yuuta’s lips trembled, and a small laugh followed.

“Okay, yeah, I get it,” he mumbled, turning back to the plants in front of himself. He began to clip away again. “I mean, outside of how she is now. I mean, I see her a lot. How she used to be. Like at night, if I come out here, it’s almost like she’s here asking me all about what I’ve learned. And if I come here during the day, sometimes I swear she’s sitting here admiring the flowers.”

Yuuta let out a small sigh. “I know I sound crazy, but…I don’t know. I swear she’s lingering sometimes.”

“Okaka,” Toge said almost immediately, leaning forward to pick up a stray stick. He lifted it up and watched a caterpillar inch its way across the wood. Not lifting his gaze, he let Yuuta simmer in his thoughts.

“I still think I sound crazy,” Yuuta muttered under his breath, setting his own clippers aside.

Toge laughed in response. “ Okaka, Yuuta.”

“Okay, then tell me what you’re thinking,” he said, turning to give Toge his full, undivided attention.

Sliding his hand into his pocket, Toge pulled out his phone, but Yuuta was quick to shuffle to his side. He placed his hand over Toge’s hand, halting his movements.

“No, sign it.”

Toge felt his heart skip a beat. He raised a curious eyebrow.

“I’ve been practicing, come on. It’ll be fine.”

He hesitated for a moment, thinking it over, trying to figure out how to use simple signs. He hadn’t been aware Yuuta was actually trying to learn for him. The thing in the kitchen was just a fluke, or so he had assumed. He just thought he would use his phone forever.

Lifting his hands, he cleared his throat and met Yuuta’s gaze.

“Not crazy. Normal amounts of crazy. Sorcerer crazy. Seeing someone you care for, is normal. Grieving. Moving on. Dealing with it. Normal stuff.”

Yuuta squinted, mouthing the words silently as Toge signed. He nodded slowly, furrowing his eyebrows together. He was probably stuck on a word or two, so Toge patiently waited for his brain to figure it out.

“Thanks…that’s reassuring. I think.”

Toge smiled. He knew Yuuta would take ages to actually move on, but it was a good sign that he was talking to someone about it like this. It felt like his friend was taking an actual step in the right direction.

“Shake, shake.”

“I know. I know. I’ll be…okay. For now. Thank you for listening, Inumaki.”

Toge bit the inside of his cheek before nodding again. “Anytime, Yuuta. Anytime.”

Yuuta furrowed his eyebrows as he followed the signs. “Wait, wait..was that…my name? That’s how you sign my name?”

Toge ducked his head and looked back down at the caterpillar. It had made good progress, already across the stick and crawling down to nibble on one of the leaves that clung to the stick. He nodded to confirm it.

The silence stretched between them for a beat too long. When he looked back, he found Yuuta smiling to himself, repeating the sign for his name to himself. He then began to hesitantly practice some apparently new signs, fingers moving and dancing through the air a bit clumsily.

It took a moment to realize Yuuta was signing out his name. Practicing how to sign out Toge . Even though he could talk and didn’t need to sign back, he was still practicing how to do it.

Toge set the stick down, letting the bug crawl off and go back into the dirt.

Opening his mouth, Toge felt the buzz of cursed energy fizzle on his tongue. For a moment, he just wanted to speak, to try practicing in the same way Yuuta was for him. However, he clamped his jaw back shut and tugged his scarf back up. He couldn’t do it, not now.

But in the safety of his room, staring into the mirror, he steeled his resolve and took a deep breath. There, he whispered Yuuta’s name. That was the least he could do. Practice and practice and give something back to his friend.

He repeated the name, just a bit louder. The mirror in front of him shook, making him clam up and look away. Inhaling sharply through his nose, he narrowed his eyes and leaned in close.

“Yuuta,” he said, channeling the energy, voice firm and steady.

Nothing happened. The mirror stayed intact.

“Yuuta,” he said again, holding his breath. He could feel his cursed energy slipping out slightly, but he squeezed his eyes shut and waited. Nothing drastic happened. No severe drawbacks.

Opening his eyes again, he stared at his reflection and smiled. A good present to his friend would be to greet him by his name. Practice makes perfect, and he’d make sure to use this when the time was right.

Tucking his legs beneath himself, Toge settled in on the couch, tilting his phone horizontally as he started his game. The music of the rhythm game trickled out, and he was so engrossed in it that he almost missed Yuuta stalking into the room. He was actually tiptoeing, as if trying to catch the other off guard.

Biting back a smile, he waited, letting Yuuta do what he wanted. When a hand touched his shoulder, he let out a huff off a laugh, looking over his shoulder and raising an eyebrow. He could hear the sounds of his game telling him that he had lost, but he clicked his phone off and set it in his lap.

“Aw, I was hoping that would scare you.”

Toge tilted his head, rolling his eyes a bit. He made a vague motion with his hand toward Yuuta’s, well, everything, and stifled a laugh at the way his friend deflated.

“Is my cursed energy really that bad?”

“...Shake, tuna tuna.”

“Creepy?! It’s not- is it?”

Toge nodded, patting the spot beside himself. Yuuta jumped over the back of the couch and slid into place, grabbing a blanket and draping it over his and Toge’s laps.

“Were you playing your game?”

Humming again, he nodded and clicked it back on. As he tapped away on the device, Yuuta leaned over and smushed his cheek against the couch cushion. The atmosphere that settled around them was comfortable and easy, and he tilted his phone so Yuuta could have a better angle.

It didn’t take long for Toge to pass the level he was on. However, as he continued on with the games, he couldn’t help but feel himself simmering on the spot. Now would be a good time as any, right? Panda had gone off to spend time with Yaga, and Maki was out on some errand. No one would get the backlash if he messed up.

Closing his eyes, he didn’t miss the way his game made a whump whump whump noise as he failed. Clearing his throat, he lowered his voice, turning to look at Yuuta. It took a moment to gather up the courage, lifting his gaze to look at his friend.

“Y….” It died on his lips before he could even utter anything else. The rise and fall of his chest gave away the fact he was asleep, his mouth hanging slightly ajar as soft snores escaped him.

An endearing smile painted across Toge’s lips, and he hopped up to gently slide his arms around Yuuta. He then carefully set him down properly on the couch, moving the blanket more over his shoulders. Kneeling by his side, he took a moment to study him, eyes softening as the moments ticked by.

“Yuuta,” he whispered, barely a puff of air. He lifted his hand, gently tucking a strand of hair behind Yuuta’s ear. Nothing drastic happened. No dramatic drawback. The name caused nothing to happen. It was just a name.

Sliding his hand down the other’s arm, Toge fingerspelled a soft goodnight against the skin of Yuuta’s arm. Getting back to his feet, he brushed himself off and stepped away.

One day he’d say it to Yuuta’s face. Until then, he’d continued to practice and make sure things were okay for everyone. It would be fine.

For now, he stepped away and returned to his room, crawling under the covers and curling up. One day Yuuta would be okay, and  he’d move on, and he’d carry the love of Rika in his heart forever. And Toge would stand by him and love him from a distance. Watch over him and make sure he was properly cared for.

For now, in this small moment, for this one night, everything was okay.