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I remember the way I kissed his forehead before he left.
"Promise me that if I–"
"What did I say about saying that?", I whispered as I fastened his coat across his chest. My eyebrows tightened, almost annoyed at how calm he was moments before leaving for the battlefield. A sigh dragged out from my lips. Exasperated. Desperate even. And he only greeted me with a smile. As always.
"And what did I say about frowning, dear?", he crooned. His finger playfully poked the tip of my nose, before he planted a gentle kiss on it. "I told you that this is what you signed up for when you married me."
His rough hands raked through my hair, the pad of his thumb swept across my cheek. Every touch he gave me before he left was as if he was imprinting the feeling in his mind. Slow and delicate, deliberate. It convinced me that despite how nonchalant he seemed to be every time I fix his uniform at our doorstep, he was just as afraid as I was.
He stroked my cheek. Kissed my eyebrow. Smile, he said. How could I? How could I when I didn't know what could happen next? For all I knew, that would be our last touch. What if it was? What if he–
"Shh", he whispered, pulling me close to his chest. As if he read my mind. "You know I love you, right?", he continued after pressing a long peck onto my temple.
I buried my face in the crook of his neck, his arms firmly strapped around my much smaller frame. "Of course I do", I muttered.
No more words were shared between us. Only silence. Silence as he cradled me in his arms. But I hated silence. Silence made me think. Made my thoughts fester into worry. Worries into doubt. Doubt into fear.
He knew me too well. He knew the way my pupils shook when those thoughts haunted me. He knew how to differentiate the deafening silence of my mind poisoning me and the silence of those times I just wanted to be left alone. He knew what was going on in my head whenever my fingers would dig into his clothes, sometimes hard enough for him to feel the pressure of my nails through his multiple layers of uniform. And he knew how to make me forget. Momentarily.
What he also knew was no matter how many times we convince ourselves everything will be okay, we could never run from reality. None of us let the words slip our tongues. The thought that lingered at the back of our heads every single time. He could die.
It wasn't until the Cloud Knights had arrived at our doorstep to claim their general that he released me from his grip. For someone who always seemed so relaxed and reassuring on the exterior, the way he held me before he left always said differently.
"Take care", I mutter as he finally puts space between us.
"I will", he replies. "I'll write to you."
He better, I thought. His letters were the only thing that kept me sane throughout my days without him. For every day that passes, I would sit by the fireplace; letters and a cup of warm coffee in hand, and wait patiently. I had to brace myself every time I heard a knock on our door, not knowing if the Cloud Knight messenger standing there would be holding an envelope or a severed piece of his uniform. Or worse.
"I'll wait for you", I whisper. He only replied with a smile. I forced a smile to give back to him. I didn't want the last image of me in his mind before he left to be one of me sad. Afraid.
And so they left on their horses, prancing through the streets of the Xianzhou Luofu, chanting mantras of victory. The Xianzhou folk popped their heads out of their windows, their lips damp with cheers of praise and support as the nation's soldiers marched below them.
It was endearing. They probably felt more motivated knowing the entire nation was rooting for them. Expectant of their victory.
That's what kept him going.
"Why did you choose this job?", I asked him once. I laid next to him on our shared bed, on my side where I can face him. I drank in every detail written on his face; how his eyes were struggling to hold on before shutting down for the night, how his lips tilted up in a drowsy smile, how he was doing the exact thing to me while battling his sleepiness. He twirled strands of my hair around his finger, fixated on it like a child who got his first toy.
"Why?", he whispered in amusement. "Because the Xianzhou needs me, dear."
He went on and on about how practicing swordplay is one thing, and applying it on the battlefield is another. He loves strategising, guiding his battalion to victory. The way his eyes lit up whenever he told me about it – even if I knew very little about what he was saying, said it all. But he said that more than anything, he loved seeing the expressions on the faces of the citizens when they returned. Hearing their words of praise. Seeing the relief wash over the faces on his soldiers when they run back into the arms of their families. Darting straight into my arms and clutching me tight the first thing when he sets foot in the city.
I hummed a chuckle and gently pulled at his earlobe. "Must you put me through all that just for that one moment?", I mutter in his ear.
He shrugged. "You claim you loathe the Cloud Knights, but you married their general", he crooned before planting a soft kiss on my lips. "Why'd you do that?"
I giggled against his plump lips, cupping his cheek as if urging him to stay near. "I never said I loathed them."
"You didn't answer me."
I sigh, my thumbs rubbing circles on his cheeks. "Because I love you, silly", I whispered.
And as our lips met again, the rest of our questions and banter were immediately dismissed. I always pondered that question. Why did I marry him? Why did it have to be him – the Divine Foresight of the Cloud Knights that I could lose any day?
But would I marry anybody else? Never.
He was my everything. He is my everything. And even if one day, he leaves me behind on this cruel world on my own for good, he will still be my everything.
And so the routine begins again. Days without him turn into weeks, but I'll never lose hope in him. I love you, my Jing Yuan, and I'm so proud of you.