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After the car door slammed shut, Ronan gave himself three breaths before starting the car. Then he took another four before he peeled out of the St Agnes parking lot. He used those breaths between actions to think about absolutely nothing. Ronan knew he would use the rest of his inhales and exhales on the drive to Monmouth thinking about what an absolute fucking asshole he was, so a few moments of nothingness was great.
The road home was dark. It was dark in the room when he kissed Adam Parrish. Maybe he could've used that. 'Oh sorry Adam, I didn't see your mouth there. It's very dark in your room because you have one shitty cheap bedside lamp and the dim yellow light makes your cheekbones look like embers.' Yeah that would've gone over well.
There were some things you just didn't take. Ronan wasn't a thief. Kissing Adam Parrish felt like the worst kind of stealing. The worst made worse because Ronan wanted it. It wasn't just some errant thought. Not just some random knick-knack that ended up in his pocket at the end of his dream. He really really wanted this.
Ronan yanked open the front door to Monmouth Manufacturing. It let out an unholy screech as he pushed his way into the apartment.
"Invest in some goddamn 409, Gansey. Shit. No one is going to sleep through that screech."
"No one is going to sleep anyway, knowing us." Said Gansey from a heap of blankets and boy on the floor by Cardboard Henrietta, previously thought to be just a lump and not a boy in a lump.
Ronan, done with talking, let a single finger complete the conversation for him and slammed his bedroom door behind him. From the other side of the door he heard Gansey whine, "Ah Ronan. The glue hadn't set yet!"
Ronan grabbed his headphones away from Chainsaw, who was trying to deconstruct them. She squawked loudly at him when he finally tugged them free. He missed twice trying to jam the plug into his phone. The “next” button was heavily abused as Ronan lay back trying to find a sound to best drown out his own thoughts.
He settled on something with violins. Something that reminded him of his father. The burn in his ribs when Ronan thought about home was very similar to the burn in his ribs he felt when he thought about Adam. They sat in the same place in his chest.
Chainsaw swooped over and opened her beak. She shouted at him again but he couldn't hear a thing. She bit at the cord of the headphones. Ronan took part of the cord in his own teeth and tugged. They warred for a minute, Chainsaw flapping backwards and hopping. She dropped the cord and bit him hard on the arm.
"Ow, Jesus!" He dropped his phone and shook his hand. Chainsaw flapped off to the far corner of the room. She upended Ronan's wire trash can, spilling the contents over the small rug in the corner. Ronan watched at she then dove into his backpack and dug out the only notebook in there. She set about apart a few pages of notes. Ronan felt so proud.
He flopped backwards onto his bed and left Chainsaw to her business. The music rattled around in his skull. Ronan tugged at the bands on his wrist. First between his teeth, chewing at the leather. Then he ran his thumb over the material, shoving his fingertips between the skin of his wrist and the bands. He held his hands up above his head and examined them. He flipped them palm side up, and then around. His knuckles cracked.
There was nothing delicate about Ronan Lynch's hands. His palms were flat and wide, the skin at his knuckles were dark, uneven, and torn. Hands made for fists.
Ronan let his arm flop over his face. His fingers tapped along to the sound blasting from his headphones. After a long while, during which the playlist had enough time to repeat itself twice, Ronan felt something move underneath him. He looked down the length of his bed to Chainsaw who was removing a long, thick thread from his duvet.
She yanked it free and flapped back over to the trash can. She wiggled inside and tucked the thread in among the torn paper she'd piled inside. She began fluffing her feathers out.
"Weirdo." Ronan said, and sat up. He looked at the clock. 1:35. He still felt terrible. The knots in his stomach felt close enough to anger that Ronan wanted to throw a punch, but not close enough for him to actually do it. The tightness in his throat felt enough like guilt that he'd probably drive to St Agnes if the source of the guilt weren't living above it. He sighed and slid out of bed.
Gansey was still huddled on the floor, but he'd moved from the model town to his journal. Ronan strode over to the bathroom and yanked open the fridge. There was a gallon of orange juice, half full, on the bottom shelf. He took it out and walked over to the window. He passed Gansey, who looked up, on his way across the living room.
Ronan tore off the lid and held the bottle out the window. He looked at Gansey as he dumped the contents into the parking lot below. Gansey's eyebrows shrugged together. They could both hear the juice splatter onto the pavement.
When the last bit dripped out Ronan said, "We're out of OJ."
Gansey stood and made a big show of stretching out his shoulders and back. "Alright, old man, we'll pick up arthritis cream on the way. Hurry it up." Ronan said, rolling his eyes.
Gansey swiped his keys off the counter and Ronan followed him out and down to the Pig. Gansey glanced at him as they pulled out of the Monmouth lot. At the end of the drive, Gansey flicked his turn signal to left (rather than right towards the closer convenience store that was a block from Adam's apartment). Ronan groaned. They picked up a new jug of orange juice along with five bags of combos and a box of frozen waffles.
They drove around Henrietta eating stuffed flavored pretzels until 3am. Gravel crunched under the Pig's tires. Ronan and Gansey strode back into Monmouth. Gansey flopped down on his bed, face first, and Ronan continued on to his own room.
Chainsaw had abandoned her nest and was sleeping perched on Ronan's headboard. He stroked one finger down her smooth black back. She ruffled but didn't wake.
Ronan woke without remembering falling asleep. He stumbled out of his room just as Gansey was leaving.
He paused by the door and asked, "Want me to wait?"
"Go ahead. I'm gonna shower first anyway." Gansey shrugged and left, while Ronan went off to do just that. He figured the longer he took getting ready, the less time he'd have with Adam before class started.
Nope, It was best to not think about Adam before stepping into the shower.
Toweled off and dressed, Ronan sped towards Aglionby. He slipped into Latin just before the late bell rang out. Ronan zoned out almost immediately. He had hoped, as had been the ongoing trend, that this new Latin professor was going to be their next big asshole to take down. But instead those who rule had shoved the underclassmen Greek professor into the role for the time being. Ronan didn't want to hear this guy stumble over the half-assed curriculum the last prick has left.
He found himself looking at the back of Adam's head. Adam's shoulders were hunched up high. He was leaning as far forward as possible without toppling over the desk. Christ, they weren't even sitting near each other but Adam was desperate to put every inch of space between them that he could. Fifteen minutes before class let out, when Ronan was itching to get the hell out of there, Adam glanced over his shoulder at him, but then quickly snapped back around. Shit. Ronan couldn't have fucked up more.
As soon as the bell rang, Ronan tore out to the parking lot. He thought about driving all the way to the Barns, but he ended up back at Monmouth.
"Well," Noah said from where he was perched on top of the pool table, "Someone's home early."
Ronan dropped his backpack by the door and walked over to the pool table. He leaned against it, propping his forearms up. Noah grabbed one of the balls and spun it. It ricocheted around the table until Ronan caught it.
"Do you want to move everything a half and inch to the right and try to convince Gansey the apartment is haunted?"
Ronan looked at him and raised one eyebrow. Noah slumped forward.
"Let's short sheet his bed instead." Ronan said, and Noah grinned.
"I always wanted to do that to someone for when they brought a girl over."
"Well." Ronan said and jerked his chin to the left. When Noah saw the model Henrietta Ronan was gesturing at, he collapsed into laughter on the pool table. Ronan tapped his knee into Noah's. Noah let his laugh taper out slowly, then he sat up.
Noah hopped off the table and disappeared into his room for a moment. He walked back in with Gansey's laptop cradled in his arms.
"That was in your room?" Ronan asked.
"Gansey lets me use his Netflix while he's at school." Noah replied and shimmied back up onto the pool table. He flicked open the laptop and pulled up Netflix.
Ronan didn't recognize anything that was playing, but he didn't really feel like asking what it was. So he elbowed Noah in the side instead.
"It's Gilmore Girls." Noah answered. "My sister used to watch it."
"It's boring and they're taking too fast" Ronan protested but Noah shushed him. He kept watching, despite having no clue what was going on. They were at some big party. People kept going off to seperate rooms to talk fast at each other.
When the episode ended Noah reached forward and clicked the next episode before it could play automatically. They continued this pattern for two more episodes. Ronan complained but didn't move to find something else to do.
Ronan was groaning at the theme music by the fourth episode and Noah hit him in the leg. They wrestled for a moment but stilled just as Gansey's laptop began to slip off the pool table. Noah squeaked as he made a grab for it at the last second.
"So," Noah said, after righting the laptop, "Kissing’s nice."
There were, in fact, people kissing on-screen. Ronan glanced at him, then back to the laptop. "That’s not going to work again."
Noah crossed his arms over his chest. They overlapped each other strangely, Noah wasn’t quite solid at the moment. "Why? All kissed out?"
Ronan turned back to him and glared. Noah unfolded his arms and flicked his hand, gesturing for Ronan to continue. "You know," Ronan said, "Not telling anyone about that was supposed to include not telling me about it."
Noah rolled his eyes, "Okay sorry, I didn't know we were still playing the Ignorance Isn't Bliss game."
Noah let a few moments of silence pass before asking, "That's why you're home so early, isn't it?"
Ronan frowned and turned back to the laptop. He didn't want to answer. He didn't want to talk about it. He never wanted to talk about it, and maybe that was the problem here. It was getting darker in the warehouse. Well past the time school would've let out. Where the hell is Gansey? He thought.
As if on cue there was a thud and a grunt on the other side of the front door. Gansey yanked the handle upwards and the door slid halfway open before it got jammed again.
"Anyway, this show is great. There's a secret society of super rich kids who go camping in the woods and speak Latin for fun." Noah said, watching Gansey struggle with the door.
"You're shitting me."
Gansey finally got the door a manageable amount open and practically collapsed inside. "Hey guys, how's it going?" He said from a heap on the floor.
Noah closed the laptop and hopped off the pool table. He slid the laptop under Gansey's mattress while the other boy wasn't looking.
Gansey stood and righted himself, instantly returning to the pristine image of Ganseyness. Charming smile and perfect hair. Personable and powerful. Noble, wearing destiny like a shroud. Ronan’s stomach twisted. This, He thought, is who Adam would want. It's what he strives to be.
Not whatever the hell I am. Ronan laid back on the pool table.
Gansey appeared above him, upside down. He raked a hand through his hair, messing it up and returning at once to the eager boy Ronan moved in with. "Hey so I forgot to get Adam's bike out of The Pig before I left him at work. Can you pick him in a couple hours?"
Half a dozen responses died on Ronan's tongue as Noah answered, "We'd love to!"
"Great!" Gansey exclaimed, with so much honesty enthusiasm that Ronan had to roll his eyes. Gansey looked around the room, furrowing his brow, "Professor Daniels just told me about a new book coming out on the geological history of the British Isles and I want to pre-order it. Have you guys seen where I put my laptop?"
Noah shrugged.
Ronan pulled up to the mechanic's shop three hours later, just before Adam’s shift was set to end. Noah reached across the Ronan and tapped the horn. The BMW let out a “beep!”
“What the hell, man”
“Just letting Adam know we’re here.” Noah slid back to his side of the car and peered out the window. The garage door remained unmoving. "Well I guess he didn't hear us. You better go get him."
"You're not smooth." Ronan told him as he shoved the car door open.
Adam did not look up when Ronan opened the garage door. He was fully immersed in the engine in front of him. Ronan took the moment to, very selfishly, watch him work.
His hands artfully worked the machinery. His brow was furrowed, drawn in tight with focus and a touch of exhaustion.
Ronan drummed his fingers on the metal door but Adam stayed hunched over he engine. He knocked a bit harder and watched as Adam’s back muscles twitched through his thin t-shirt. Adam turned around quickly.
“What?” He sounded mad. Of course he was mad. Ronan should have sent Noah to get him. Adam crossed his arms, Ronan made himself do the same. When he asked again Ronan mustered all the strength he had to act like Adam speaking to him wasn’t the highlight of his pathetically boring day. “You didn’t take your bike out of the Pig. Gansey sent Noah and me to pick you up.”
Ronan's jaw tightened as Adam tossed his wrench at the toolbox. He just barely missed and the tool clattered to the floor. Adam picked it up, sighing audibly, and turned back towards Ronan. The arms of his coveralls were tied around his waist and the front of his shirt had grease stains on the bottom hem and by his collar. His neck was golden even in the dark mechanic's shop. Ronan felt his face heat up as Adam began to shrug out of his work uniform, so he looked at the floor.
Adam trudged past him towards Ronan's car. He hesitated by the door and turned back to him, "I thought Noah was with you."
Ronan ducked down to see inside the car, "Yeah he's right--." The front seat was empty. He glanced in the back. Empty. "Fucker."
So it would be just Adam and the knowledge that Adam didn't want to kiss him in the car. Cool. Great. "Alright Parrish, hop in. We got places to be."
Adam slid in and buckled his seatbelt, "Can you just drive me home? I don't feel great and I'm not in the mood to watch you get pissed at sleeping cows for a couple of hours."
Ronan's fingers twitched on the steering wheel, "Are you okay?"
Adam closed his eyes and let his head fall back against the seat, "Yeah, just," He grimaced for a moment, "Headache."
Ronan wanted to ask if it was Cabeswater related, or if something had happened today. He didn't want to ask in case Adam's headache was a result of incredibly unwanted lips against his own. He turned back, resolved to ask Adam if he wanted to stop anywhere to get painkillers, but Adam was already asleep, breathing deeply with his head resting against his shoulder. He was frowning even in his sleep.
Ronan took a deep breath in, filling up every corner of his lungs, and let it out slowly through his mouth. He drove to the CVS a few blocks over from St. Agnes. Ronan pulled into the parking lot as gently as he could. He left the car running and strolled in.
The guy behind the register watched him carefully, tracking Ronan throughout the store. Ronan browsed for a moment, picking stuff up, just to fuck with the guy. When he finally made it to the isle with aspirin he grabbed the second smallest bottle off the shelf and walked back to the front.
Ronan sneered at the cashier when he dropped the bottle on the counter, "I'm paying for it. Big shocker, I know." The guy looked down. He stayed quiet except to say, "Nine fifty-three."
Ronan grabbed the plastic bag handed to him and took the bottle and receipt out. He tossed the bag on the way back to the car. Adam was still asleep when he threw himself back down in the driver’s seat. Ronan tossed the bottle onto Adam's lap and he jerked awake.
Adam blinked wearily for a moment, then looked down in his lap. He carefully picked up the bottle and turned it over in his hands.
"Why'd you stop? You didn't have to stop." Adam’s voice was thick with sleep, words long and his accent syrupy.
Ronan gripped the wheel and put the car in drive, "Do you have anything at home?"
"No." Adam was still looking down at the bottle.
"So we stopped."
Adam fiddled with the top, popping it off and fished out a few pills. He swallowed two of them dry. Ronan watched his throat work, wishing for death. Adam coughed and said, "I could've gotten it."
"I already had it in the car." Ronan lied. He wasn't sure why he did it when just a moment before he’d admitted to stopping at CVS specifically for the aspirin. He shook his head and peeled out of the lot and away from the drugstore.
They pulled up at St. Agnes five minutes later. Ronan kept his eyes trained forward while Adam stepped out.
"Are you coming up?" He asked, and Ronan snapped his attention towards him.
This is a test, Ronan thought, He's trying to be the bigger person and prove my fuck up isn't going to ruin anything.
What if I fuck up again.
He shook his head and said he had to get back to Monmouth. Ronan waited until after he’d seen Adam close his apartment door to speed off towards home.
He slept and his dreams were empty.
Ronan jerked awake to a loud crash in the kitchen. He pulled himself out of bed and went to investigate.
Noah was standing on the counter. A small pile of pots lay on the floor beneath him. Ronan crossed his arms and leaned against his door.
"I was looking to see if we had any vases up here."
"Because we seem like the kind of guys who keep flowers in the apartment." Ronan glared at him. The microwave clock said it was thirty minutes before he’d normally wake up to rush to school.
"Whatever." Noah grumbled.
Gansey came out of the bathroom with a towel around his waist. "No luck?" He asked Noah, who shook his head. Gansey turned his attention to Ronan, "Oh good, you're up. I was going to give Adam his bike back this morning but I've got to run to the library before class starts. Do you have time?"
Ronan shrugged and went to go change. He left himself enough time to drive to Adam's apartment and still get to Aglionby before class. Adam hated being late.
When he pulled up to St. Agnes Ronan laid on the horn until he saw Adam peer out his curtains. Ronan's heart lurched when he saw him.
Five minutes later, Adam came down the stairs. Ronan hid a grin, "You still don't have your bike."
Adam rolled his eyes and yanked open the passenger door. "I know."
Neither spoke as Ronan steered the car towards Aglionby. The radio pounded out something loud and electronic. It was just the right frequency to drown his thoughts.
But that wasn’t what Ronan wanted right now. He turned the music down.
"Hey. You wanna skip?" Ronan saw Adam turn towards him, but he kept a his eyes on the pavement in front of him.
"Why would I wanna skip?"
He shrugged, "Because you want to come watch me get pissed at some sleeping cows."
Ronan swore he could see Adam start to grin as he turned back to the window. But he still hasn't answered.
Silently, Ronan prayed. A promise to admit to Adam that he fucked up if he agreed to go with Ronan. Aloud he said, "Speak now or forever hold your peace."
"Go."
Ronan sighed, a weight settling heavy in his chest. He flicked the turn signal on and glanced behind the BMW to change lanes.
"No." Adam said, and Ronan's fingers twitched on the wheel. "No." He said again. "Go. Let's go."
With one final glance at Adam, just to make absolutely sure, Ronan turned off the signal and sped forward. Past their exit.
Ronan took a slow breath. In. And out. "I shouldn't have done that."
"Done what?" Adam was slouched back in the seat. He raised an eyebrow when Ronan turned to look at him, "Kidnapped me? If you're really feeling regret there's still time to turn around and make it to first period."
Ronan shook his head, "Not that. The uh. The thing the other night."
Adam swallowed audibly. Fuck. So much for keeping promises.
"The, uh?"
"Yeah."
It became clear Adam wasn't going to say any more about it. Maybe Ronan should just drop the whole subject. Fuck. "I should have asked before I ki-- before I did anything."
Adam was looking at him weird. Because trying to kiss your friend who doesn't return your very much not-friend feelings is weird. He stared at Ronan and then said "Better to ask forgiveness than permission."
Which was the dumbest fucking thing to say. Ronan snorted. "Fuck that."
Adam turned toward him, something burning behind his eyes. He looked furious. "No seriously. When have you ever asked before doing something? That's not you. Gansey asks. You do. You just do."
Ronan's shoulders felt tight, he gripped the steering wheel until his knuckles turned white. "Not about something like that."
Adam continued staring at him, drilling holes in the side of Ronan's head. Slowly, Adam's eyes drifted back to the road. Ronan figured that was it. He would continue to rot from the inside, but at least Adam didn't completely hate him.
"I like that about you." Adam said quietly. Which couldn't possibly be what he said. Ronan was probably just having a stroke. He pressed down on the gas. He had let up slightly on the speed when his heart stopped working.
Then Adam said, "I like that about you. I like the way you don't ask, you just do. Yeah, it makes you an asshole. But, I don't know. It's fearless. You're not scared."
Ronan huffed. "Fuck that."
"What?" Adam whipped back to face him again. The anger and tension had leaked back into his voice.
"I am though. Scared." Ronan risked glancing over to Adam. I'm scared of ruining this for you. "I'm scared you're going to say no."
"Why are you saying that?"
Christ, why couldn't Parrish just let it go. "Because, I-"
"No," Adam interrupted. "Shut up. Why are you talking? Pull over."
Fuck Fuck Fuck.
Ronan steered the car over to the side of the road, gravel grinding under the tires. The car rolled to stop. Ronan reached forward to turn the ignition off, but before he could touch his keys Adam's hands clutched the sides of his face.
They were kissing. Again.
Adam was leaning over the center of car, kissing Ronan. On the mouth. His mouth was open and hot. It was so so good.
He pulled back, "Fuck, Parrish. Wait. Do you-"
Adam's hair was more mussed now than last time they kissed. He looked wild. "Shut up. Shut up. Ronan Lynch doesn't talk. He does. Fucking do. Kiss me."
Ronan grinned. And he did.
They met in the middle and Ronan kissed Adam. Ronan let his hands trail down Adam's neck. His fingertips lingered in the soft hair at the base of his skull. The car made it difficult to be everywhere Ronan wanted to be. It was hard to maneuver his hands onto Adam's shoulders. He couldn't pull Adam by the hips and hold him. But Adam kept pushing forward. Leaning into Ronan further. He was moving his mouth, tilting his chin, deepening the kiss.
"Fuck, fuck." He mumbled into Adam's mouth. Adam's teeth dragged over Ronan's bottom lip. Ronan inhaled sharply and jerked forward into the sensation.
Adam pulled back fast enough that he hit his head on the ceiling. "Fuck." He said, rubbing the back of his head. He leaned back into his own seat. Adam buckled his seatbelt again and tangled his fingers in his lap. Ronan wanted to reach out and take his hands.
"So," Adam said after a moment, "That was.."
He fell quiet, leaving the thought incomplete. Ronan turned the car off. They stayed silent as a few other cars drove by them. Each whoosh marking the passing time. Adam folded his arms over the dashboard. With a groan, he laid his head in the crook of his own elbow.
"Oh come on. It wasn't that bad." Ronan said. His arms stayed by his side, not doing anything helpful. He felt incredibly stupid.
"No, I'm just." He sounded awful. Ronan unlocked the doors, just in case Adam had to quickly get out. Adam sighed, "I feel incredibly stupid."
Ronan let his head hang forward. He laughed quietly to himself in a way he would never ever admit to being a giggle. Adam peeked out from under his arm to stare at Ronan like he’d lost his mind. To be fair, he might have. "I feel incredibly stupid too."
"I feel kind of nauseous." Adam admitted. "Like when you're severely dehydrated and you finally get water, you drink it too fast and get sick. I feel like I drank too fast."
Ronan grinned at him, "Is this your way of saying you're thirsty for me, Parrish?"
Adam shoved Ronan’s shoulder, not hard but just enough to rock him back a little. Ronan used the rebound as an excuse to scootch a little closer to Adam's side of the car. Another car whooshed past them. Adam looked up and around.
"We can't just stay here." Adam told him. Ronan shrugged and turned the engine back on, "To the Barns?" Adam nodded.
They drove in silence for while, but the tension in the air was gone. The quiet was easy. Ronan couldn’t iron away the grin stuck on his lips.
"Is this going to be weird?" Adam asked, after a while.
Ronan glanced at him, he wasn’t sure which part Adam was concerned about, "Is what going to be weird? The Barns? I mean as unweird as go-"
"Dating." Adam blurted out, interruption. Oh. Adam sighed and continued, "I mean it's probably going to be weird right? What the hell do you even do on dates?"
"Well what did you do with the magg- with Blue?"
Adam shrugged, "We mainly, I don't know. Hung out with everybody. Just next to each other. Sometimes I'd go to her house."
Ronan sped up, "So? What's the big fucking problem?"
"I don't know. That's not really what dating is, is it?"
"You wanna go share milkshakes at the mall?"
"Fuck off, no. I don't know. It just feels like it's going to be weird."
"Well," Ronan said, trying to keep his voice cool, "We don't have to. Date. If it bothers you, we can just do. Whatever."
"Uh," Adam glanced down at his lap, he looked nervous, "I don't really think I'm a casual kind of person. I'm not going to just, hook up, or-" he groaned again, nerves mixing with frustration.
"No, I mean, what's the point of dating?" Ronan asked. He looked over to Adam, who shrugged, so he turned back to the road and continued, "You date someone to get to know them or whatever, right? To make sure you actually like each other and not that you just want to bone. What's the point? I already know I love you, let's just skip the bullshit."
Adam didn't say anything right away. Ronan sped past another car on the road. All at once Ronan's own words rushed back too him. His heart thudded in his ears, the car swerved. Ronan quickly righted it, and took a deep breath. "Uh."
"Sorry, can we rewind for a second?" Adam said.
"No, we absolutely can not." Ronan gritted through his teeth.
"Seriously. What did you say?" Adam turned his whole body towards Ronan.
"Nothing."
"I just want to make sure I wasn't hearing phantom love confessions in my bad ear," Ronan could hear him grinning.
"Don't be a shit."
"Say it."
Ronan did. The road was spread out before them. He hit the gas, accelerating. Adam laughed next to him.