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My father always told me to not fear failure. He'd say "Showy, there's nothing wrong with making mistakes." I do my best to listen to every bit of advice he gives me of course, “hang off each word” some might say…
But that was one instruction I couldn’t ever understand, no matter how hard I tried.
I assumed maybe it would make more sense as I got older but it feels like it makes less the more years go by.
I can’t imagine anything more scary than failure; the darkest hallway, the most vicious monster, it just doesn’t compare to the idea of disappointing everyone who hopes to see me become so successful and strong.
I still remember the day fear of failure really gripped me though.
And worst of all, the first time I had to deal with it instead of just worrying about it.
“And then you just follow the beat, making sure you don’t speed up or slow down suddenly through the song. It’s as easy as that.” Sammy purred, sitting at his piano while a much smaller and younger me was on stage, violin in hand and shaking from the nerves.
“What happens if I speed up?” I asked, already feeling my ink beginning to drip.
“I’ll tell the rest of the band to match your speed. As long as the audience can’t tell something went wrong, it doesn’t really matter.” He smiled with pride and straightened himself up a little. “That’s what we have conductors for.”
I watched him carefully, trying to puff out my chest and straighten my posture like he did. Joey and Sammy both did that sort of thing when talking about their jobs or how they help around the studio. It made them look so confident, so proud, like you truly knew they were dedicated to their work. They knew what they were doing. If I was ever going to be the boss of this studio, I'd have to convince people to trust in my judgment, I’d have to learn how they do it of course.
“And we have bosses to make sure everyone trusts the directors and conductors, right?” I purred and my father smiled at me with amusement.
“Did your dad tell you that?”
“Yeah, he did.” I always wondered how he knew when I was quoting Joey. Maybe my dad just tends to repeat the same kind of points, or maybe it was just how I said it. Maybe marrying someone just gives you such an exact understanding of who they are or how they talk it’s that easy. Sammy always made it look easy at least.
“Well he’s right, it all starts from the top. Now, how about we try some scales for a warm up?”
I nodded. At first it was fine, he plays a few notes, I respond with the same ones. Every once in a while Sammy reminds me how to properly hold my violin, tells me to relax my posture but that was all practicing things I already knew...
“Now, why don’t you bring out that bit of sheet music I gave you?”
I nodded, doing exactly what he asked. The notes felt like they stared at me, symbols I was supposed to recognize as both notes to play and how long to play them, while also making sure I was on beat. I felt my heart drop as I prepared my bow to strike the first note. It was only a second and yet it felt like it happened in slow motion for me.
Sammy gave three simple taps, setting the beat before I began to play. The first few lines, I was doing pretty alright, no major mistakes and I was mostly keeping in sync with him too. I was thinking about every move however, checking every note to make sure I was prepared for hitting them all correctly and checking what beats I had to hit them on too. Every change I made to my form I was conscious of. I could hear my father give a chuckle seeing how tense I was, but I didn’t have time to shoot him an angry look.
While I was starting to relax, starting to ease into playing like this bit by bit, I heard someone enter the room. In the corner of my vision I saw Sammy turn a bit to glance at who it was. He gave a friendly smile and I felt my heart stop as he spoke quietly to him. “Hello dearest, do keep your voice down, Showy and I are practicing together.” I couldn’t turn to look at Joey of course, now more than ever I couldn’t get distracted, but in my mind I could see every move he made. He would give Sammy a polite nod sitting down in a nearby chair to watch, excited and happy to see his son performing so well, no mistakes or slip ups so far, just a beautiful song played by his family.
I had to straighten my posture, make sure my positioning was perfect, I couldn’t afford to mess this up in front of my father, I had to prove to him I shared his strong desire for perfection above all else. Was I hitting the right notes? Was I hitting the right beats? Was my pose perfect for playing? Was my nervousness showing? Did I look confident enough? Like the kind of person who could run a studio? Like the kind of son you could trust to handle your legacy? Was I the kind of son who could take the pressure and use it to produce perfection and nothing less? I had to be, I had to, I had to, I had to-
Wait, had I lost my place on the page?
Sammy’s playing slowed a bit as I paused suddenly to check where we were.
Was I even on the right page?
I flipped the page only to see I was wrong, this wasn’t at all the melody dad was playing, what was I doing?
“We’re almost done with the second page.” Sammy spoke quietly but as I frantically turned back and stared at the notes I was now completely lost in my own panic. I played from the part I thought we had reached, but my heart filled with dread as Sammy’s playing outright paused...
I was wrong, I had totally played the wrong part and now he was trying to figure out where I was playing from. I had totally fudged it right in front of Joey and him. All I had to do was read some notes on a page and I managed to make the most obvious, dumb mistake I could have.
“Showy, you’re speeding up.” Sammy quietly corrected me and I only felt worse about the fact Joey was here to hear all of this.
“W-wait I need to figure out where you were, we skipped over part of the song.” I answered, now scanning the page frantically to see what I had missed in my anxious searching.
“Just keep playing from where you were, I can follow you and we’ll have another chance to practice that section.”
“No! We messed up, we-we should correct it! I can do it, I swear I can.” I felt like curling in on myself out of embarrassment.
“Honey, you’re getting in your own head again. Remember, part of my job is to try and cover up any mistakes made during the performance-”
“But there shouldn’t be any mistakes in my performance, I was doing just fine a moment ago!” My face felt hot and my heart was starting to outright race in my chest. I heard Joey getting up from his chair and he placed a hand on mine to stop me from playing again.
“Showtime, it’s okay. I’ll get to hear ya play that part another time.” He purred, giving me a warm smile, but in frustration I pulled away from him and tossed my violin to the floor, turning to him and feeling more upset than ever.
“No! No it’s not! I messed it all up and-and...” God I couldn’t bear to even be in the same room as them anymore. I stormed out, tears stinging my eyes not even bothering to acknowledge Norman or Jack as I rushed by them to find somewhere I could be alone...
I hid myself down in the pipe system under the music department, under a desk that looked perfect to crawl below and hide from everything. I wished a big hole could just open up in front of me so I could hop inside and not have to face anyone after this ever again. To find a place I could hide until the embarrassing mistakes I made faded from my memory forever! But of course it couldn’t be that simple...
“I-I’m such a fool.” I sobbed through hiccups and gasps, my heart pounding in my chest still as I thought about what I could possibly say to my parents to make this better. Every tear that fell from my face made me feel ashamed. I bet Joey never felt like this... Sammy probably never ran from his problems and cried... They used pressure to motivate themselves, but I crumble under it?
I stared at my hands like they had betrayed me even as they wiped away my tears. ‘What is wrong with me?’ I wondered.
A knock on the top of the table caused me to jump and a friendly voice greeted me with a stupid sense of humor I usually pouted at when I was so young. “Hello? Anyone under there?” Jack purred, I couldn’t see him but in my mind I could picture that same big smile he always came to work with.
“Go away.” I hissed, sniffling and struggling to catch my breath. I didn’t want him to try and cheer me up, I was far too deep in my feelings of failure to accept comfort.
“Come on, don’t ya wanna tell me what’s got you so upset at least? I might be able to help ya.” He whispered, crouching down to peek under his desk at me. I scowled back. What would Jack know about these feelings I was dealing with? Did he ever fail anyone? Has he ever let anyone down before? Hell, has he ever stopped smiling with the dumb grin he was wearing right now?!
“I screwed up playing my fiddle in front of both my parents. I can’t believe it, all I had to do was read the sheet...” I said continuing to beat down on my bruised confidence. “Why does it matter to you anyway? I don’t feel like laughing right now...”
“I know.” Jack’s voice became softer as he tried to meet my gaze.
“Do you? Do you even know what this feels like at all?”
“I-”
“No! You don’t! You don’t at all! You’re just gonna tell me to smile and I hate it! And I hate your smile too!” I snapped, I didn’t mean it of course, but Jack made himself such an easy target for my 12 year old rage I couldn’t help shouting at him.
Jack sighed, adjusting himself so he was sitting right beside me, his smile faltering before he let it fall from his face entirely. I was still lashing my tail with anger but it was surprising to see him put on a much more serious face.
He wrapped his arm around me, pulling me closer and despite my frown, I leaned into him as he spoke. “Look kid, I understand you and I don’t always get along,” He smiled scratching his face a bit before continuing “Maybe I do have a tendency to push ya buttons a bit, but I want you to know it’s because you remind me of a young man I used to know. One I met long before I worked at the studio.”
I didn’t say anything but looked at him with curiosity and intrigue.
Jack took that as a confirmation to continue his story. He gestured with his hands a lot as he started to set the stage for his little tale. “Somewhere far away, in my home town I met this man who felt he had the world on his shoulders. He had just moved away from home and he needed to prove to his parents he could make it in the career he was in.” He pet my head a little. “See, his parents weren’t nearly as supportive as yours. They thought he was a fool to put his faith in his art to make him money, but he would show them they were wrong when he finally got a song of his own published!” Jack put his fist in the air and I smiled.
“So he worked as hard as he could to make it perfect?” I asked. Jack nodded. “There were sleepless nights, days of writing ideas down and scrapping every line, notes and concepts that weren't working. Weeks of work would be thrown away so the duo who made it could make something that would take the world by storm the second it was out!” I sat up, invested in this tale, despite it being one I had heard many times before.
“And they made it a hit, didn't they? Cause they worked so hard?” I asked, my smile widening as I waited for Jack to answer.
“Nope. The song released and people thought it was garbage. Things they had never even considered thinking of were slammed by the people they made listen to and their precious creation never saw the light of day again.” My eyes widened with shock as Jack put his hat to his chest as if grieving for the song itself. “And good God, they were heartbroken. Months of work gone down the drain and they felt horrible.”
I felt my shoulders sink as I looked at the floor. “So that was it? They weren’t good at making music after all?” I felt so sad for them all that work just to fail...
“Oh no Showy, they were great at writing music. They only needed one more chance and you know where they found it?” Jack asked, lifting me by the chin to meet his gaze.
“Where?”
Jack picked me up, gesturing to the studio around us. “In New York City, Showy, in this very studio. That’s where me and Sammy got our big break.”
I perked up, my wings fluttering a bit. “You and Sammy? What do you mean?” I asked in disbelief this could’ve been about them.
“I know it sounds crazy to you, but me and Sammy’s first attempts at a song flopped.” Jack laughed to himself before adding. “I mean, it was just awful; I can’t play it for ya cause Sammy will hate me if I share such old work of ours.”
“But you guys are great at making songs!”
“Not at first. We were trying our best of course, but when you’ve never done something before… Well, there’s just some skills you can’t get with anything but practice.” Jack straightened my bow tie, wiped the last tear from my eye and gave me a confident smirk. “Ya shouldn’t be afraid of making mistakes kid, you should use them as fuel to do even better next time. Now, how about we go find your parents so you can finish that song.”
I wasn’t sure if his words had entirely sunk in, but I felt my heart beating faster not with panic but with excitement now. “Yeah! I think- I think I can do it!” I purred, I hopped out of his arms about to scamper off before I paused to run back and give him a hug. “Thank you Mr. Fain! I’m sorry for yelling at ya...”
Jack chuckled and patted my head with a small smile his mustache almost hid. “It’s alright kiddo, now go enjoy yourself okay?”
I nodded to him, running off with the feeling of a heavy weight having been lifted from my heart and shoulders.
Despite Jack’s pep talk, I was hesitant to open the door to the music room. I felt so embarrassed for my outburst and I was scared they would be mad at me. I stood there, feeling frozen, gaze on the ground in shame until I heard the door open.
Sammy was there, our eyes met just seconds before he scooped me up into his arms in a hug. “Oh Showtime! We were so worried about you, are you alright?” He asked, searching my expression.
“I-I’m alright... I’m sorry for yelling at ya.” I whispered and Sammy shushed me gently.
“There’s no need to be sorry, we should apologize.” He purred, giving me a kiss on the cheek as Joey approached from behind him.
“Yeah, I didn’t mean to upset ya Showy, I was trying to make you feel better.” He took me from Sammy’s arms and gave me a gentle squeeze. “Maybe I should’ve kept my mouth shut.” He added with a chuckle. I saw Sammy roll his eyes with a smile as he came over to give me another kiss.
“Can I get another try at the song?” I asked, and they both looked at each other before laughing softly.
“Of course, but maybe after a break. How does lunch sound?” Joey asked and Sammy looked at me. I nodded, more than happy to take a breather before my next performance.
I wasn’t really paying attention to what they were talking about after that though. I laid in the warm hold of my loving dad watching my wonderful father talking to him and closed my eyes.
Failure was a scary thing to me as a kid, but so was most of the world.
However, with the support of the staff and the love of my dads protecting me...
That day, failure seemed a little less scary and just a little more... Easy.
I guess I can only hope one day, I’ll get over my fear of failure with the help of my family.
One mistake at a time.