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He stared at the wall of his dorm blankly, mind foggy. He doesn't know how long he had been staring at the wall, or when he had even gotten home. Wasn't he just at the hospital? Wait… why was he at the hospital again?
Dazai turned his head down and looked at the paperwork in front of him. Ah. That was right. He has brain cancer. An inoperable tumor suffocating his brain. That was why he was forgetting things.
He was dying. He doesn't know how to feel about that. He always wanted to die, but he never thought it would be like this. He thought he would die on the job, or after committing suicide. Not… not to Cancer of all things.
What was he supposed to tell the others? He doubted they wouldn't notice his declining cognitive abilities. He paused.
He was going to slowly lose his ability to even function. That was a terrifying thought. Breathing picking up, he began to look through the paperwork the doctors gave him. Chemo-Therapy. That was his best bet, to make an attempt to shrink the tumor so it could be operated on. But… is that what he even wanted?
He was tired… So very tired. Maybe this was the world telling him something? Looking up, Dazai spotted a photo on his shelf. It was of him and the Agency at Kyouka’s welcome party. He looked so happy. He had been happy, at that moment.
He owed it to them to at least try and live. On top of that, he couldn't leave Chuuya behind. Not again. He couldn’t- Wouldn't do that to him again.
Picking up his phone, he dialed the number on the paperwork to start working things out. Hopefully, he could keep this quiet and not worry anyone.
Yeah… as if he was ever that lucky.
He kept going. His memory issues were easy to hide for awhile, but he could feel himself getting worse as the weeks went on. He had Chemo-Therapy 2 times a week, and he was beginning to feel too ill to work as time wore on. By the time the second month hit, Dazai could feel the others beginning to notice his poor health and watching him. He should tell them. He really should. But he just… couldn't.
… Something was wrong with Dazai. It was obvious to the whole Agency, but Ranpo could not put his finger on what and it was bugging him. He had been showing worsening memory loss for over a month now, He had even forgotten his own birthday a week prior.
Watching Dazai, pale as a sheet that day, excuse himself from work early and leave before anyone could say anything, made something churn in Ranpo’s stomach.
Yosano turned to Ranpo, worry clear in her eyes. “Please tell me you have an idea of what's wrong. He won't answer any of my questions about his health when I ask.”
“What symptoms have you spotted?” Ranpo asked back instead of answering. No point in repeating information she already knows. Yosano frowned. “Memory loss, which is concerning on its own especially for Dazai, shaking, and Nausea. I have a few ideas, but Unless Dazai lets me give him a check up they’ll only be guesses.”
Ranpo hummed and leaned back in his chair, feet planted firmly on the ground for once. “I've noticed Dizziness and a lack of appetite as well. Dazai already doesn't eat much, but now it's like he's not eating at all.”
Yosano furrowed her brows, running through every illness she knows of that fits those symptoms. “An eating disorder maybe…? But that wouldn't cause the memory loss, and he wouldn't be worsening like he is this quickly. A brain injury? I don't recall him ever hurting his head in the last months though so that only leaves…”
Yosano goes pale, eyes showing genuine fear as she stares at the door, Standing up abruptly and knocking over her chair in the process. The rest of the agency looks over at the noise, Kunikida looking mildly annoyed and concerned all at once. “Yosano-sensei? What's wrong?”
“I think Dazai has a brain tumor…” And the agency, which was normally oh so lively, went deathly quiet.
Chuuya cursed angrily as he made his way to the agency building. Dazai had been ignoring his calls, again, and he was sick of it. He needed those damn mission details from him to finish his report and he wasn't going to let that stupid mackerals inability to do his damn work ruin his record.
He turned a corner and crashed into someone, knocking them to the ground. Chuuya cursed “fucking- What the hel- Dazai?”
Chuuya looked down to see it was Dazai he had bumped into. Dazai who was pale and shaking and looked like he was going to be sick. Concerned, though he would never admit that, Chuuya crouched down. “Dazai, you good?”
Before the brunette could answer he turned his head and grabbed a nearby trashcan, puking into it and heaving violently. Chuuya's eyes widened and he awkwardly reached out, rubbing the youngers back in an attempt to be soothing. “Oi, the hell is wrong with you? You got the flu or something?”
Dazai only groaned in response, attempting to stand up on shaky legs and failing, falling back into Chuuya. Wrapping his arms around the taller, Chuuya frowned. Dazai was shaking and sweating, but he wasn't warm or anything so he didn't have a fever. Maybe he ate bad food? But he felt even skinnier than he normally did. Chuuya could basically feel his bones, it was like what little muscle Dazai had had deteriorated.
“Chuuya…” Dazai whined, curling into the redhead. Chuuya was safe. Chuuya would help. Chuuya would always help, even when he probably shouldn't.
“Yeah? Dazai?” Getting no response, Chuuya moved Dazai's hair to see his face properly “Dazai?” Dazai’s eyes quickly rolled into the back of his head and he began to seize. Chuuya yelled in surprise, holding onto Dazai tightly as the tallest body flailed. “Dazai!! Oi! Someone call a fucking ambulance!”
A passerby quickly pulled out their phone and put in the call, Chuuya only able to do his best to make sure Dazai didn't hurt himself as he Seized. He had never seen the brunette this Ill before. What the hell… was wrong with his partner?
Dazai came to slowly, the sound of a heart monitor being the first thing he heard. Was he in the hospital? The last thing he remembered was… was what? How did he get here?
Ginger hair filled his view and a cup of water was pushed towards him. “Drink, Mackerel. You're in the hospital. You had a seizure.”
Worried blue eyes bore into him and Dazai looked away guiltily. He remembered now. He had bumped into Chuuya while attempting to make his way home. He doesn't remember having a seizure, but that's not surprising. He took the glass in shaking hands, hating how Chuuya was hovering to make sure he didn't drop it, and took a drink.
A nurse came in after that, Chuuya sitting and waiting patiently as he waited for them to leave. Dazai could tell the ginger was burning with questions and concerns, and Dazai just looked away guiltily. He should have told Chuuya sooner. They were Partners. If he was compromised, Chuuya needed to know.
When the nurse left, letting him know his Oncologist would be in shortly, Chuuya pounced. “Dazai… what the hell is happening? Oncologist? Why the fuck do you have an oncologist?
Dazai could hear the worry in Chuuya’s voice, but he just looked down at his lap. “I'm sorry Chuuya…”
Chuuya furrowed his brows in frustration “That's not an answer bastard. Why are you sorry? Tell me! Please…”
Dazai looked up and could see how watery Chuuya’s eyes were getting, like he wanted to cry from the worry and frustration Dazai was causing him. He frowned. “I… I have a glioblastoma Chuuya. Brain cancer. It's pressing on my temporal lobe and it's inoperable.”
Chuuya went white, falling back into his seat with a thump. No. No no no- This couldn't be happening. Dazai? Stupid Dazai who always made stupid suicide jokes, had brain cancer? Dazai was dying?
Dazai kept talking, thumbs twiddling absently in his lap. “I'm in chemo-Therapy, but… it's not working as well as the Doctors had hoped. We had to stop as it was making me worse. The doctor said I had 4, maybe 5 months at the rate things were going. I have maybe a little over a month before I start losing bodily functions.”
Chuuya couldn't breath . 5 months? Dazai only had 5 months? And that was if they were lucky, by the sounds of it. This couldn't be happening. It wasn't even 3 months ago that they were celebrating their victory over the DOA and now Dazai was dying? This wasn't… this wasn't fair. Hadn't Dazai done enough? Did he not deserve to live a long, happy life? After everything?
“Chuuya… please don't cry… you’re… going to make me cry…” Dazai’s voice choked and cut off and Chuuya realized that he was crying, and Dazai now had tears welling up in his eyes and oh. He looked so scared. He had never seen Dazai look genuinely afraid before, but his brown eyes were filled with so much fear. Surging forward, Chuuya brought Dazai into a tight hug.
Neither of them said anything, they didn't need to. They never did. They just held each other as they cried.
This was the first time Dazai had actually cried about this. He hadn't cried when he got his diagnoses, and he hadn't cried when he was told the Chemo wasn't working. He hadn't even cried when he was told all they could do now was make him comfortable. Yet here he was, sobbing into Chuuya’s arms because Chuuya cared enough about him to cry and he was scared. Scared that he was going to die all alone in a stupid hospital bed with none the wiser because he just couldn't bring himself to tell his co-workers he was dying.
And now that he knew for sure he was going to die, Dazai found himself wanting to live. What a cruel joke… he had spent the last decade wanting nothing more than to find something to live for and feeling as if he had never found it but now that he was actively dying… He realized he had found his reason to live a long time ago.
His reason to live was in the way Chuuya fought, all Fiery rage and aggressive movements. It was in the way Odasaku had sat with him quietly, a constant presence until the very end. It was in Kunikida’s strange way of mother henning everyone, even him. It was in Atsushi and Akutagawa when they looked up at him as if he was the most important thing in the world. It was in Kyouka when she confided in him about her time on the Mafia and how he had confided in her, how having each other made them feel less alone when the others simply couldn't understand. It was in Ranpo and Yosano and how they would always drag him into their games and nights out, treating him like their little brother and pulling him into their weird little family. It was in Kenji and Tanizaki and how they would always manage to find some way to make him smile and laugh, even when he felt like he couldn't.
It was in Fukuzawa and Mori, the Fathers he had never really had growing up. How they had doted on him and cared for him and helped him find his way even when he didn't think he could stand on his own two feet.
“Chuuya…
I’m scared. I’m so scared… I-I don’t want to die…
” The words were whispered so quietly that Chuuya almost didn’t hear them, but when he registered the words he just held Dazai tighter. “I don’t want you to die either…”
Chuuya paused, weighing his options and consequences before deciding to say fuck it. “Move in with me, Osamu.” Pulling back from the hug and wiping at his eyes, Chuuya noticed Dazai was looking at him in teary eyed confusion. “Huh…? Why…?”
“Well… You’ll need someone to care for you as you get worse, right? I have the money and strength to do so, So unless you don’t want to…” Chuuya suddenly felt very unsure before he saw Dazai smile. “Okay. I’ll move in with Chuuya and annoy him until my grave!”
Dazai jokes lightly and Chuuya couldn’t help but chuckle. “I’ll hold you to that, Mackerel.” With that said, The Oncologist walked in and it was time to discuss medicine.
Dazai did not go into the agency over the next week, which worried them all greatly. He didn’t want to worry them, but he didn’t know how to tell them. He moved his stuff to Chuuya’s apartment at night to avoid running into them, and the medication he was on to stave off his symptoms was… sort of working? He hasn’t had another Seizure yet, which was good. His nausea was also better. He didn’t feel like hurling his guts out every 15 minutes, But his memory was slowly getting worse. He had even been forgetting about his own bandages, which was mortifying as is. He was also suffering from chronic headaches now, which was making him easily irritable. Atleast Chuuya wasn’t taking his irritability personally.
At the end of the week, Chuuya finally put his foot down. “You need to see them, Osamu. You can’t hide this from them. They’re your friends, and If I know them even a tiny bit then they’re definitely worried sick about you.”
Dazai put the book he was reading down and looked away guiltily. He sighed in defeat. “Fine. But I- I don’t want to go into the agency. Would you be fine with inviting them here…?”
Chuuya cringed but nodded in consent. It was a small thing in the grand scheme of things, and the agency knowing where he lived wasn’t
that
big of a deal. “I’ll go make the calls then.” It was Saturday morning right now, so Hopefully he could get them all to come for dinner tonight, and if not tonight then sometime tomorrow. The sooner the better.
It took him an hour to call everyone, since most of them were still at home this early in the morning, but they all agreed to come over tonight when he mentioned it was to see Dazai. Though he did need to get Dazai to scream into the phone from another room to convince them that yes, Dazai really was at his house and that no he did not kidnap him. Honestly, why would anyone want to kidnap Dazai anyway?
The hours went by painstakingly slowly to Dazai, nerves settling in his gut as he waited for dinner to come around. How the hell was he supposed to say to them? ‘Hey yeah, I have a brain tumor and I’m dying! How was your week?’ Yeah like that would go over well.
“Oi Mackerel, stop pacing and sit down. Fukuzawa and that candy addict are going to be here soon!” Chuuya called from the kitchen. Dazai huffed and sat down, leg tapping. He jumped when he heard the doorbell ring, standing to get the door nervously.
Taking a deep breath, Dazai plastered on a smile and opened the door with a dramatic flourish. “Welcome President! Ranpo! Long time no see!”
“Hello Dazai-kun” Fukuzawa greeted, walking in when motioned to. Dazai ignored the way Ranpo was staring at him, sizing him up. If anyone knew even remotely what was wrong, It would be Ranpo and Yosano. Ranpo was simply too smart to not have any idea and Yosano was a doctor, Dazai would eat his own bandages if she hadn’t figured something out.
“Dinner is almost done, Courtesy of our resident petite Mafioso~” Dazai grinned, ignoring the way Chuuya yelled at him from the kitchen for the comment. Dazai chuckled and sat down on the couch, motioning for the two to take a seat wherever.
“How are you doing, Dazai-kun? You’ve been absent for awhile now. We’ve been worried about you.” Fukuzawa said, looking at Dazai in concern. He looked away, avoiding eye contact. He felt bad for ghosting them like he did.
“I’m… Doing as well as I can be, right now. I won’t expand on that until everyone else has arrived.” Fukuzawa and Ranpo shared a grim look, fearing that what Yosano theorized earlier in the week to be true.
One by one the rest of the agency showed up. Atsushi hugged Dazai on sight, teary eyed as he said how worried he was. Dazai could only pat Atsushi’s head and reassure him that he hadn’t meant to worry everyone. Yosano had given him a knowing look, and Dazai could only frown sadly at her, seeing the moment she understood his expression for the confirmation it was. Her breath had hitched, but that was it. She was waiting for him to explain it himself, to which he was grateful. Kunikida had berated him for not calling in or contacting them in any way, and Dazai could only nod along. He should have atleast called them.
“Knock it off Glasses! Sit down and shut up!” Chuuya was leaning against the doorway, glaring at Kunikida with venom. Kunikida looked nervous at Chuuya’s glare, and Dazai couldn’t help but smile. His chibi in shining armor. He chuckled and walked over to the dining table, where Chuuya had just finished setting everything up. Him and Chuuya had agreed that eating first would be better, as if he told them all beforehand they likely wouldn’t eat and then Chuuya’s efforts would go to waste.
Dinner was… awkward, to say the least. Atsushi and Kenji tried to keep people engaged in small talk, but most everyone was too impatient and tense to play along. Dazai couldn’t blame them, no matter how much more uncomfortable the tenseness made everything.
When dinner was finally done and they had moved into the living room, Dazai found himself choking up on the words as he looked at them. Chuuya laid a hand on his shoulder, an encouraging look on his face. Taking a deep breath, he nodded. “So, I’m sure you’ve all figured out that I haven’t been feeling the best these last 2 months…”
“Yeah, we noticed.” Ranpo spoke, staring at Dazai intently. Dazai cringed at the gaze, humming. “Yeah well… I went to the doctors a couple months ago, because I was dizzy and forgetting things and Nauseous. And I…”
He looked at Chuuya, who squeezed his shoulder reassuringly. This was so much harder than he was expecting it to be. “I was diagnosed with a Glioblastoma-” Yosano’s shocked gasp drew everyone's attention. Her eyes were wide and she had a hand covering her mouth.
“Oh Dazai…” She murmured. Atsushi raised a hand awkwardly “I’m sorry but uhm- what is a Glioblastoma exactly?” Yosano decided to explain, Saving Dazai the trouble. “It’s an extremely aggressive form of brain cancer. Less than 5% of people survive.”
The entire agency cried out, all of them turning towards Dazai with either shocked or teary eyes. Atsushi and Kenji were already crying, and Dazai’s heart hurt at the sight. He held out his arms and suddenly found himself with 3 children hugging him. Kyouka had followed Atsushi and Kenji, and Dazai could feel her shaking minutely against him. He hugged them tightly.
“How long do you have…?” Yosano spoke up, looking more solemn than Dazai had ever seen her. “4-5 months, at the rate I’m progressing. Possibly less.” he could feel the 3 kids hug him tighter at his words and he closed his eyes in pain. He hated this. Hated how much this was hurting them and how he couldn’t do anything to make it better.
“... Then we better make these next 4-5 months your best, right?” Kunikida said, looking at Dazai. He blinked before smiling, nodding in agreement. “I’ve never had much of a bucket list, but I’m okay with letting you guys plan out whatever activities you want.”
And so that’s what they did. Dazai let them go wild with his old mafia money, refusing to let Chuuya pay for everything himself when the brunette was perfectly capable of doing so, blood money or not. They went on a vacation to Universal studios Japan, Rented out a whole Theater to play whatever movies they wanted, Took a trip to the zoo, and had weekly game nights. Even as Dazai’s health declined rapidly, As he started having more frequent Seizures and slowly lost the ability to move. Even when he became hospitalized. They visited as often as they could, making sure Dazai was never alone, which he was forever grateful for.
He was high on morphine now, more often than not. The pain is unbearable otherwise. He was basically completely paralyzed now, and it had only been 3 months since he told everyone. He was deteriorating faster than expected.
When his Oncologist came in, Dazai did his best to turn his head to look at them, but it was hard. The man sat down next to his bed and Dazai looked at him curiously. It was early morning, so none of his friends were here. The doctor held out a clipboard for Dazai to look at. “Good morning, Dazai-san. I’ve come this morning to present you with an option of Euthenasia. Since your case is terminal and incurable, you qualify for it.”
Euthenasia… Assisted Suicide. He was contemplating it, because was there really any point in holding on until his body gave out? He couldn’t move. He couldn’t do anything but sleep on his own anymore, and it was humiliating no matter how used to it he had gotten.
“Could… we wait… until my family… is here…?” He asked, looking at the doctor. The oncologist smiled and nodded. “Ofcourse, Dazai-san. Would you like me to call them in?” Dazai nodded gratefully, shakily signing the paperwork needed before the Doctor left.
2 hours later and his hospital room was full of all his friends and family, Even Mori, Akutagawa, and Gin had come. He smiled shakily at them, noticing how misty all three of their eyes looked despite the fact none of them were crying.
Everyone took turns walking up and saying their goodbyes to him, tearing up and crying and being more emotional than Dazai had ever thought anyone would be during his death. When it was Mori’s turn, the man sat on the edge of Dazai’s bed and leaned down, whispering quietly so no one but the two of them could hear.
“I’m sorry for everything I put you through, purposefully or not, and I hope you get to see Oda up there.” Dazai could have started crying right then at those words, Doing his best to return the Hug Mori was giving him. “
I forgive you
”
Mori was teary eyed as he pulled back, moving out of the way to let the next person get close. Akutagawa was next, and Dazai motioned him closer and to lean down. Listening like he always did, Dazai spoke softly “I’m so sorry for everything I did to you, and I am
so fucking proud
of the man you’ve become Ryuu”
Despite his best efforts, Akutagawa started to silently cry and he hugged Dazai tightly, who could only do his best to nuzzle the other boy affectionately. When Akutagawa calmed down enough, he pulled back and let Atsushi take his place. Atsushi was already sobbing as he hugged Dazai tightly, and Dazai could only whisper soothing words in response. They had all known this was coming, and at least this way they were all getting to say proper goodbye instead of Dazai just suddenly being gone, but He knew that that didn’t ease the pain.
And Finally, It was Chuuya’s turn. Chuuya sat at the edge of the bed and held his hand, looking at him with such a soft gaze that it made Dazai’s heart ache. He didn’t want to leave. “It’s okay, Osamu. Rest, you’ve earned it.”
Chuuya leaned down and rested their foreheads together. Dazai felt tears well up and silently slid down his face and he gave a shaky smile. “I’ll say hi to the flags for you. Let them know how you’re doing.” Chuuya’s breath hitched and he chuckled shakily “You do that, stupid Mackerel.”
Standing back to give the Doctor space, Dazai smiled sadly at everyone. “It will be just like going to sleep, alright? No pain.” The Doctor explained and Dazai nodded, Feeling the moment the drugs started to take effect.
The group nodded, all in varying states of grief, as Dazai’s eyes drooped and slid close. They watched as the heart monitor began to slow, until not even a minute later it stopped completely.
Dazai Osamu was officially dead, and that day even the Mafia wept at the loss.