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There was something about the swirling color of blue around me. The dampness. It felt familiar, closer to home. Rocks scattering into unknown depths, wet dripping echos, and spiders. Always the spiders.
I thought above ground I’d be free of them or at least I wouldn’t be encountering them as frequently. Yet, here I was being dragged back below ground by my companions for a little purple stone. And there were spiders below, of course there were spiders below, there were always spiders down below. And here I was with them. Fighting against them.
Every nerve in my body was telling me to run back to the surface, to get away from their dripping fangs. My brain however could not hear Lae’zel chiding me once again for not being as impenetrable as she. So, I stayed and I fought one blue-toned spider after another.
I was wasting more of my energy yanking my feet free from the webs than I spent chasing after ( running from ) the creatures. One had caught up behind me so I rushed across yet another web to where Lae’zel, Shadowheart, and Astarion were grouped forcing myself forward away from the threat behind me. Exactly what I felt like I had been doing since the Nautiloid crash; fleeing. Fleeing home, fleeing the worm in my head and the Absolute, fleeing the troubles of my companions - friends? If it wasn’t too early to call them that. Except this time I failed. I failed utterly. Crashing into sticky threads, my dagger clattered twenty feet below with a metallic cry. I jerked against the force, pulling at my arms, my legs, anything in an attempt to free myself but the thin threads held on like tight rope. I was only succeeding in getting more of myself caught up. “Shit, shit, shit,” I muttered yanking harder; bouncing the web around like a trapped fly. My eyes fixed onto the spider creeping closer as I continued my struggle. It moved across the web so easily it felt like it was mocking me. My wild vibrations of movement did nothing to slow it down.
Heat passed over me as a firebolt went sailing into its target. Before I could thank the gods ( or probably Shadowheart ) for the rescue the bits of web below the spider ignited, burning into nothing as the orange flames raced towards me. Relief of my rescue didn’t even have a chance to hit before the ground below did.
Hard rocks broke my fall leaving my back soaked in water? Blood? I wasn’t sure. My teeth were ringing. I squeezed my eyes shut laying there in the rubble stunned for what felt like an eternity pleading with any higher power who would listen to please let me catch a fucking break.
Slowly, I opened my eyes my vision clouded with black spots. The cave floor danced around in circles below me as I leaned over sideways onto sore arms. ‘I’m going to be sick,' I needed a minute to still the nausea rising into my throat, but I didn’t have a minute. Turning towards the sound of shouting and metal armour stomping my way I realized I was looking between eight long over-sized legs. ‘I’m really going to be sick!’
Looking higher, fighting the pain in my neck, I took in the pale grey underbelly of the phase spider matriarch who had recovered faster than I did and was now moving to hover over me. ‘ Did it teleport to me? Or was I out long enough for it to just walk right over?’ I wondered as its venomous jaws enveloped me.
I fought against the pain radiating through my body, forcing shaky arms up between us. The pain compounded focusing into pinpoints of stinging pressure on my neck. I could barely move my head anymore; losing control of my muscles. If the fall wasn’t killing me the venom surely would. Using what strength I still had left I pushed up and away trying to force the thing off of me with a scream.
I couldn’t tell if the others were helping in the attack, but it took less force than I thought to push the vile thing away. Upright, head swirling I scurried back to put some distance between us.
“If you had changed your mind darling,” - venom dripping off the word - “you could have told me before you crawled into your bedroll for the night.” I blinked trying to focus on what was in front of me. Who was in front of me. White hair, pale skin, but no hints of blue. Astarion.
Astarion.
It was too hot in my bedroll my shirt clung to me damp with sweat. “Shit,” I cursed kicking out from between the fabric needing the night air to blow on my sweat-soaked skin.
The vampire’s back was already turned, long limbs carrying him back to his tent.
"Shit," I cursed again, scurrying up onto my knees towards him.
I needed to apologize; to explain. I reached out to catch his arm, fingers slipping over muscle and clenching onto the fabric of his sleeve as I pleaded with him, “wait! ”
He paused, but didn’t turn to face me already spurned once.
“I’m sorry, Astarion. I really didn’t think it was you.” I still felt tendrils of web stuck to my skin but when I looked down all I saw were loose strands of Scratch’s fur. I tried to force my brain to accept what my eyes saw as I moved my muscles around. Albeit stiff muscles, but not absolutely destroyed like in my dream.
“Entertaining other visitors, Dear?”
He hadn’t turned to face me and I hadn’t let go.
His posture was so rigid I felt like one wrong word would send him off into the night. I needed to explain to him he wasn’t the problem- those stupid spiders were. This was the second time I’d woken up to him attempting to feed on me and I really didn’t want this to be the tone every time. When I told him he could feed from me freely at night I meant it. I didn’t need him thinking I was a coward and a liar.
The journey back to camp had been excruciating. I kept replaying the attack over in my head. Not just the usual what could we have done differently, what formations worked and where did we need more cover as a group; I was stuck on those stupid spiders. Narrowing in on every single thing we did wrong that gave them more time to attack us. How the matriarch had more time to release even more clutches of their young to join the fight. All of them spitting venom as if slippery cave rocks weren’t enough to begin with. And I couldn’t forget about the sticky webs we kept getting caught up in. Objectively, I know we did okay. We survived, got in and got out with what we needed. Our defense wasn’t as dire as in my dream, but it sure felt that way. Like at any moment the fight could turn and I’d be just another stupid Drow dying because of a spider underground.
But I didn’t want to tell Astarion that.
“Not really entertaining, no, more like fighting for my life,” my other hand rubbed at my sore neck, “the timing of your dinner was perfectly in sync with my nightmare.”
His muscles settled a little. Or maybe I imagined it ever hopeful.
He still hadn’t turned around so I continued with my rambling, “Today was a lot. Too much really. My back is sore, my feet are sore, I kept checking behind us the whole way back to camp to see if anything was following us. I couldn’t even eat in peace without feeling like spiders were crawling on my skin and don’t even get me started on crawling into,” - I couldn’t help but cringe at my own word choice - “No. Not crawling, just getting into my bedroll this evening! I was stupid to hope I could just fall into a nice, deep, dreamless sleep. My body aches enough for it. But, apparently I was wishing for too much. Besides, what time is it anyway?”
He huffed, maybe holding back a laugh but it was hard to tell without seeing his face. “It is not even mid-night. None of you have been resting for long.” First watch wasn’t even over with yet.
I could hear his change in tone; less showy and defensive to more open. It made me feel for his point of view. I imagined how he must feel with his differences. Of course we had all walked very different paths in life before being thrown out of the Nautiloid and winding up together. But, to be a vampire. Truly. To be someone who gained strength and life by taking it from others. Logically, in a way we all did that by consuming food for energy. But, it felt different in my head to rationalize killing an animal swiftly before cooking it, seasoning it, preparing other dishes to sit on the table alongside it; than the brutality of taking while a creature was still alive. Maybe I was a hypocrite.
I’m sure waking up to him “testing his theory” the first time he tried to drink from me and now this left him feeling even more on the outs. A few easy feedings between didn’t balance out the ones where you were being shoved away from the meal before being satiated.
“You can release me you know, I doubt I would get far with you on my heels,” the performer was creeping back into his voice.
My hand slipped from the cotton of his shirt, “Oh I- sorry again.” Without an anchor to hold me up the strength in my legs gave out as I collapsed back onto my bedroll.
“Apologies excepted - this time. Let’s not make it a habit though, shall we?” Yes, the suave aloof attitude was fully back. “So, tell me more about this dream of yours, dear.”
“I just did.”
“No, no, no. Let us go back to that part about the spiders crawling on you,” he lowered himself onto the dirt next to my bedroll with all the grace of someone who had spent the last two hundred years learning how to precisely pull out a single strand of truth from the blanket of a story. “I want to hear more about that.”
It would’ve been so satisfying to wipe that all-knowing smile off his face if I weren’t trying to prove to him I wasn’t an adversary standing between him and his meal. I sighed giving in, “what would you like to know, Astarion?” I gave him my best false smile.
The way his ruby eyes lit up as if I’d just invited him to play the most exciting game was almost endearing. Almost .
“Well, it just befuddles me that a Drow such as yourself would be bothered by a few spiders. I just,” - he leaned forward fully embracing the gossip he was craving - “well, I do understand the big one. She was a bit much. But, the others? Aren’t they like pets to you all down there?” That grin of his was going to get him into trouble.
“Less like pets and more like squirrels or birds. For most of us they’re just there. They just exist.”
“But you aren’t like most people are you, Tav? See that’s what I’m trying to get at.”
“Astarion, you're really pushing your luck,” I dragged out my words. I could tell him that the days events had just gotten to me, that the fight had worn me out physically and mentally. I knew he wouldn’t buy that though. Maybe I could steer him in a different direction and away from the fact that the mere presence of a spider unnerved me.
“Oh, come on! You are no fun!” He pouted leaning away from me with a sigh. I watched as he played the same game in his head as I did. What could he say to get me to do what he wanted? I watched him, waiting, but he was silent looking up at the stars. Maybe that was his plan to wait me out until I couldn’t stand the silence anymore. A light breeze came through camp softly drifting through his curls before setting them back down into place. Another beat before he raised his eyebrows, that mischievous smile returning to his face as he looked back my way, “you have to tell me more than that. Besides, you owe me after all.”
“Astarion!”
I kicked some of the lose dirt his way. His annoyance from before was gone, or at least covered up by his laughter. The way his whole face changed when he laughed - whether it was from genuine surprise or a plan going his way - was truly, beautiful. It was like his whole face opened up; some part of himself giving in to a moment of delight. It reminded me of a flower blooming for the first time. Something so natural about it, like how all the petals would unfold from each other every one falling into the right place. The way his eyes opened up before squinting together emphasizing the faint creases at their corners. His open smile letting the sound of his delight out fully and unmuffled. I should be thankful he was now sitting with me laughing.
“Are you really going to make me beg for it, hmm? Something about those spiders got to you and I want- no I need to know what it is,” - he placed his hand over his unbeating heart mock sincerity and all - “I’m a curious creature by nature after all.”
“I’ll tell you what you want if you stop acting like that.”
He raised his head in fake surprise putting on airs, “I’m hurt, deeply and truly, that you think me being curious about your nightmare is an act!” Then something clicked in that centuries-old brain of his, “waaaait, is this about that old god Lolth and her protection over spiders? Are you afraid of her?”
“No! I’m not afraid and I’ll remind you I’m not Lolth-Sworn either. Not since Eilistraee returned and I was able to find my way to the surface. If you even know what that means.”
He rolled his eyes at me. “Yes, I am aware of the differences between you and Lolth-Sworn Drow.”
Although now that Astarion brought her up, his bite did feel like for a moment Lolth herself had dispatched a spider to punish me, not just for leaving, but for killing her property. She could see through the eyes of every spider after all. What a thing to be reminded of this late at night.
“Then, what?” He dragged out the words trying to unravel the mystery.
Then, what. Then, what. That was the question, but did I want to answer?
I thought about it for a moment. I could tell him about my absolutely normal and in no way at all strange fear - because at this point it was definitely more than an annoyance - of spiders. That a Drow who grew up in the Underdark was skeeved out by the eight-legged inhabitants they shared the space with. Sure, that wasn’t embarrassing at all.
When Shadowheart confessed her fear of wolves I didn’t judge her, it felt easy receiving that information from her. Like it connected another piece of the puzzle together about who I was spending my time with. Besides, it made it easier to know that her and wolves didn’t mix. It was a better hindrance to know that if another encounter happened with Shadowheart and a wolf in the same place that she needed to hang back and fight from the edges, than to not have that knowledge and push her into the center and into inaction.
Could I trust Astarion with that kind of information about myself?
I let my eyes scan the vampire sitting in the dirt across from me. He didn’t even bother to take up space on my bedroll and spare himself the possible chore of cleaning his underclothes again from the dusty ground. Every move he made was so calculated. I was beginning to notice how he was always weighing each decision against another. If it was anyone else in camp they would of plopped themselves next to me on my makeshift bed without hesitation. Astarion plopped himself into the dirt next to what the rest of us would see as a seat. And, that was the thing wasn’t it. I knew something about him - his vampirism - that the average passerby or merchant wouldn’t. If he could trust us with one of his secrets surely I could trust him with one of mine. I had already trusted him with my blood after all.
“I thought,” I sighed prepping myself for his reaction, “I thought you were one of those spiders from beneath the well. In my dream we were back there fighting them again, but we were - well I at least was - losing. The bigger one was hovering over me and bit down at the same time you did or I don’t know, maybe when you leaned in my brain just fused the two things together.”
He was silent, letting me continue at my own pace.
“I know it’s dumb and I know how I sound saying I detest spiders as a Drow; but I really do. I put up with them when I lived in the Underdark. They were a part of life and I should really be thankful that the part of the city I lived in wasn’t occupied but Lolth’s most devoted followers. They could really twist your ambivalence into blasphemy when they wanted to. I never killed one while I was down there by the way,” - I felt that was a very important piece of information to add - “not that no one did. You just didn’t want to get caught doing it. We all knew it happened, it just isn’t worth your life.” ‘Or being turned into a Drider,’ but I kept that last bit to myself.
“And if you think all of the tiny spiders up here on the surface are annoying they’re just as numerous down below. However, the farther down you go the bigger they get,” I laughed at the truth of it.
“So, you have to understand being underground and not even deep enough to be in the Underdark yet; and still having to deal with them again? It makes my skin crawl.” My face scrunched again at my word choice, but that was the only way I could describe it.
“Well, we all have a past we’re trying to avoid,” Astarion was of course referring to Cazador, but that went without needing to be said. “So, that was your first time - killing spiders that is - how do you feel?”
“Like I could be sick,” I deadpanned.
“Hmm, I was more expecting elated, ecstatic, bloodthirsty for more carnage,” He raised his eyebrows as he waved his fingers alongside his face. There was no seriousness in his tone though he was obviously trying to lift my mood. The way he could change his expressions like flipping through pages in a book was impressive. I wondered how many pages there actually were in this vampire’s tome.
I was thankful he was being more sympathetic than mocking though.
“You know I never really thought about what it would be like killing one when I was always so focused on avoiding them. Now that I have…” my sentence trailed off as I moved my attention to the sparse patches of grass around us instead of Astarion’s face. I zoned in on the little blades of grass poking out from under my bedroll and tugged at the longer ones. It was easier than thinking about home and everything that had happened since the Nautiloid.
“Don’t do that,” he grabbed at my wrist pulling it away. “You’ll just get dirt under your nails that will need to be cleaned out later.” Then it was like he fully realized what he had done and dropped my arm like I had burned him.
'Don’t focus on that,' I told myself, ‘just wrap it up.’ I looked up beyond him to the rocks we had lined our camp up against instead of his face. “Again, I am sorry I pushed you away. When I woke up to your fangs in my neck all I could feel were the spiders from my sleep assaulting me and it felt like my nightmare was really happening.”
“Assaulting?” He scoffed, “you invited me too, dearest. At least, it was a different monster you were thinking about when you pushed me away this time.” There was a hint of relief in his voice.
He really did live on the periphery of everything. I bit at my lip in thought staring at him again.
Before I could comment on him calling himself a monster or reducing himself to his basic needs Astarion continued, “all those eyes and legs though? Spiders really are being greedy when you think about it.”
There he went again turning the tide of the conversation away from things he didn’t want to be the focal point. Astarion was always turning the serious into a joke, a magician's ‘Hey! Don’t look over there! Look over here at this thing instead!’. Whether you were even planning on bringing it up or not. His instincts were correct though, I was getting ready to say something.
I chose to lean into where he wanted the conversation to go, “that’s not what gets to me though, it's the way they move. I’m also not a fan of when their fangs are the length of my arm,” I added gesturing to my own appendage.
“A fair assessment.”
“Not like your fangs though,” I shoved at his knee playfully, “your precision is almost surgical. Ignoring tonight's events, I honestly have yet to register your bites in the moment.” When I woke up was another story.
“Why of course not, my sweet! That’s because I’m true to my word! When I told you my future visits wouldn’t disturb you I meant it.”
There was a little voice that lived deeper down in my head that said he could kill me if he wanted to and I wouldn’t even notice. I chose to ignore its warnings. It sounded more like the influence of others than my own feelings on the situation. Astarion was defensive sure, but not outright malicious.
“Thank you, I think I’ll actually be able to get some rest now; feeling unburdened and all that.”
“Always a joy to help,” he shifted in preparation to rise as the conversation drew to a close. “Here, let me clean up your neck for you before I go. Don’t need you telling people a spider really did get to you.”
Without thinking I reached to the side of my neck my fingers grazing the sticky remnants of my blood.
Astarion tsked at me, “you just can’t help yourself can you?”
I mouthed yet another ‘I’m sorry’ for the night. He rose to his knees reaching into the pocket of his pants to pull out a torn piece of fabric that was masquerading as a handkerchief. He gestured for me to hand him the satchel of water I kept next to me while I slept - gods forbid I have to get up in the middle of the night if I needed a drink. I handed it over to him.
He held the fabric off to the side away from my bedding as he let a light trickle of water escape into his open hand. Returning the satchel back to me I sealed it.
Leaning back towards me Astarion’s free hand grabbed onto my shoulder to hold me still as he dabbed at my neck.
“I assume there will be more encounters with spiders in our future, huh?” I might not be able to move, but that wouldn’t stop me from filling the silence with my voice.
“No, I doubt this will be the last.”
“I guess I can hope,” I sighed.
“Now, your hand.” I raised it to him and he cleaned off the tips of my fingers as well. Nothing was left half done with him, “such a waste of a good meal though.” His fingers slipped away from me as he spoke; like they hadn’t been there at all.
“You can still feed from me, Astarion. Just, maybe, from my wrist tonight instead?” I repositioned myself on the ground and offered him my arm.
Astarion looked down at the offering, curls of white hair obscuring his eyes hiding his thoughts from me. “If only you’re sure,” he finally responded looking back to my face.
“Yes, and I even promise not to club you,” I smiled laughing.
"Cute."
Sitting back in the dirt he moved closer to me accepting my offer. Still not on the bedroll, but letting our legs touch. Taking my waiting hand in his he traced the veins of my wrist with his thumb leaving something unsaid before pulling it towards his mouth cupping my wrist with both of his as he bit down into willing flesh.