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We were sitting atop the rusted air conditioner, kicking our legs back and forth just to hear it clang, when Hachi said, “I just don't think I was made to be loved.”
The stars, though faded and few, lit the left side of her delicate visage. I thought right then that she was as beautiful as the moon, but I said, “Maybe you're just looking in the wrong places.”
She looked up. All I could focus on was the softness of her jaw, the curve of her eyelashes. “I wish there wasn't so much smoke.”
“It's kinda charming, no? Disregarding the whole air pollution thing, it looks kinda cool.”
“It's suffocating,.” Hachi whines, dropping her arms to her sides like a toddler when not getting their way. “I want to be able to breathe the fresh air, smell the pine trees. Wouldn't you want that?”
I wanted to tell her that I'd go anywhere only to see her. I wanted to tell her that Shoji was a fucking loser, and that it wasn't her who was the problem.
“We really don't have the money, Hachi.” It was easier to be the voice of reason. It balanced her out, made me feel like her other half.
“Agh, I know…” It seemed like Hachi was about to say ‘sorry’ but she knew I didn't like her saying that around me.
“It'd be nice though. Can't deny that.”
“You really think so?”
“Yeah, of course. I’m not totally heartless. It's just the whole no transportation to get food, complete isolation and lack of job opportunities that makes me reconsider.”
“We could… be fishermen! Or something.”
“Do you know how to fish?”
“Well, no. But we could learn!”
I couldn't help but laugh. She wasn't joking around. That was another thing I loved–her sheer optimism. It was probably why she kept falling for any guy who glanced in her direction. I wished she saw the way I stared into her eyes with unwavering devotion.
Hachi knew I was into girls. I’d never worked up the courage to ask if she was, though she'd never treated me any different. I’d always get the 'are you into me’ question (either wickedly amused or disgusted) from straight girls, but Hachi just smiled, thanked me for sharing, and moved on like nothing had changed.
She was always touching me, which I guess was just what girls did, which I both adored and despised. Tonight, our shoulders and hips adjoined–I only hoped she didn't notice the sharp breaths I was taking to keep my composure. The sensation of her flinging her legs forward, like a baby bird ready to take flight, was always a welcome one.
“Where do you think I should be looking then?”
“What?”
“For love.”
“I… I don't know. Hachi, you know you-”
“Fall too fast. I know. I can't help it! It's just- I see a guy and I can just sense that he’s perfect for me. There's a connection between us and I know he’s going to be the one I’ll marry. But he never feels the same. Or he does feel something but it's never enough. I'm too clingy. I ask for too much. I guess I’m just not girlfriend material.”
“Maybe they're just not boyfriend material.” I pulled out the pack of Marlboros from my purse. Hachi always said she hated the smell of cigarettes when she saw someone smoking on the streets, but she never said anything when I smoked around her. Still, I made sure to exhale away from her face.
I always got anxious around her, always needed to take the edge off. Whether it be a glass of wine or a Xanax, it was hard to say anything without stumbling over my words or twitching like a madwoman.
“I used to think that too, you know… Always blaming them and not myself. But I’m not so sure anymore. I'm the common denominator. How do you do it, Nana? Just living with yourself without anyone to take care of you?”
“I… well…” Damn, this cigarette isn't working at all. “I guess I just rely on other kinds of relationships, like friends. I think it's also about taking time to enjoy yourself because that's all you really have at the end of the day.”
“Gosh, that's so sad, don't say that! I want to know that I’ll at least have one person. I really don't care who it is, just someone I can exist with until the end. Maybe that's silly of me…”
I wanted to scream at her. It's me it's always been me can't you see I’ll be here?
“I mean… Hopefully we’ll still be together by then, ya know? So we won't be alone.”
“Yeah, I guess. But it's just not the same.”
My lips pursed, desperately trying to form a grin.
“Yeah… I guess it is, huh.”
I stabbed the butt of my cigarette into the empty spot on my right. The buzzing of the air conditioner was the only thing I could hear as our legs stilled to a halt.