Chapter Text
There’s a knock on Felix’s bedroom door that makes him look up from the spot on the floor he’s been staring at. He can barely hear it over his music, blasting his playlist of breakup songs by The Script. He doesn’t like being apart from Hyunjin, but having his own room now means that he can do whatever he wants, including listening to breakup songs as loudly as his speakers can go.
There is another knock before the door opens, bringing light into the dimly lit room. In comes none other than Minho. He looks annoyed, maybe a little pitiful when he turns back to Felix after closing the door. Felix doesn’t acknowledge him, just continues to mouth along to the lyrics of ‘Nothing’. The lyrics make him feel seen, understood in missing someone who doesn’t miss him.
“Can you please turn it down?” Minho asks, almost yelling to be heard. When Felix doesn’t react, Minho takes it upon himself to go over to the stereo system and turn it off, making silence fall over the room.
“You’ve listened to the same fifteen songs for three days, and you aren’t even in a breakup.” Minho says, sounding so done with Felix. Felix can’t help it, Hyunjin is so happy about having his own room, alone at the other dorm. All they’ve ever talked about is living together or sharing a room as soon as the opportunity arose, but it’s like Hyunjin has forgotten all about their plans.
“It’s eighteen.” Felix says, hearing how pathetic he sounds. It sounds like he’s been crying, but he doesn’t think that he has, he’s just sad and hurt because when they heard that they were moving into dorms with individual rooms, Hyunjin immediately started talking about his room and what he was going to do with it. They moved a few months ago, and he’s still on cloud nine, talking about all the things he is doing with his room.
“What?” Minho asks, frowning at him and moving over to turn on the lights in the room. Felix hates the ceiling lights, they’re so bright, he prefers all the other little lights he’s put around the room. The ceiling lights pierce his eyes, and not just because his head hurts from laying down so long.
“It’s eighteen songs.” Felix says, for some reason, feeling like that detail is important. His brain does weird things like that sometimes, caring more about the small details than the things that really matter. But he wouldn’t be able to let it go if he didn’t correct Minho, and he’s learned recently that it’s easier to just do it this way and get it out of his mind.
“Oh, right, that’s what’s important here.” Minho says, coming over to sit beside Felix on the bed. His demeanour seems to soften when he looks at Felix, probably seeing how pathetic he looks. “What’s going on?” He asks in a softer voice, and Felix rolls onto his other side to look up at him.
“Nothing, hyung.” Felix says defensively, but he makes no move to get out of the blankets that are wrapped so tightly around him that he almost can’t breathe. It’s comforting for some reason, reminding him of when Hyunjin lays all of his weight on him when they cuddle. Every cell of his body misses cuddling with him, it’s such a deep need that it hurts to not get it.
“You know… It’s okay if you can’t be there for him as much as he needs. It’s a lot for one person to be responsible for.” Minho says softly, and Felix sits up so fast that he gets dizzy for a moment. That is not what he was saying, what on earth did he do to make Minho misunderstand like that?
“No! That’s not it, I love being there for him.” Felix says louder than he intended. He isn’t the best at communication, but hasn’t he made it very clear that all he wants to do is be there for Hyunjin? He cannot imagine anything worse than knowing how Hyunjin is feeling and not being there for him, it would be physically painful.
“Then why are you sulking like you broke up?” Minho asks with a humourless laugh, looking at Felix with something he can’t quite read. Minho is probably sick of hearing his music, and even Felix is sick of it, but it just makes him feel good, so he doesn’t want to stop. He knows they haven’t broken up, but he feels abandoned, and it doesn’t matter that he knows he is exaggerating.
Because Felix is there every night when Hyunjin has nightmares or seizures or both, but once they’re done with schedules for the day, Hyunjin still goes home to his own dorm. And he doesn’t invite Felix over or give any hints that he wants to come home with Felix. Hyunjin doesn’t owe him anything, he doesn’t have to give back for anything that Felix does for him. But just like Hyunjin needs Felix, Felix needs Hyunjin sometimes too.
“You’re no better with Han-ie.” Felix pouts, sitting back against the wall and noticing that he can’t quite look Minho in the eye. He just doesn’t like it, involuntarily cringing every time he holds eye contact with someone who isn’t Hyunjin. He just doesn’t know how to do it, what eye does he look at? So he looks at their nose or eyebrows instead without even realizing it.
“Yes, I am. Now tell me what’s up.” Minho says bluntly, and what choice does Felix have when he is so direct? It would feel weird not to do what he says, and he knows that he can trust Minho with this.
“I… He doesn’t miss me.” Felix admits, embarrassed as soon as the words leave his mouth, but whatever, Minho keeps complaining about missing Jisung too. It’s weird for all of them to not be living together anymore, but Felix is for some reason struggling more with it than the rest. He’s just used to one thing and changing that after years of the same arrangement is really hard.
“You see each other every day.” Minho says, probably insinuating that they see each other every day so they don’t have time to miss each other. But Felix misses Hyunjin the moment they’re apart, and it hurts that Hyunjin doesn’t feel the same way. Of course, Hyunjin can’t control how he feels, but Felix wants to be missed.
“I know, but I’m used to being glued to his side, sleeping in the same bed, being together even if we’re doing our own things on opposite sides of the room.” Felix says, just naming a few of the things he misses. He might still have made himself a cocoon and played sad music if Hyunjin was here, but at least Hyunjin would be drawing at the desk or doing his meditation by the window or maybe even be in the cocoon as well.
“And now you’re not.” Minho says, seeming to understand the problem a little better. Felix can’t explain why he can’t get used to the change. It’s been weeks, but there’s a Hyunjin sized hole in his dorm, and no one else can fill it. It doesn’t even feel right when Hyunjin is here because he’s just visiting, but he’s supposed to live with Felix. It feels like they’ve taken a huge step back in their relationship.
“No. And he’s so… excited about it.” Felix says, hating how whiny he sounds, but he has needed someone to talk to about this for weeks. While everyone was preparing for the move, excited and planning how their rooms would look, he dreaded it. He still hasn’t unpacked his boxes, and his clothes are in trash bags.
“He’s excited about having his own room, there’s a difference.” Minho points out, and Felix just throws him a look because he doesn’t give a shit about the difference. He gets being excited about having privacy, but he didn’t think that Hyunjin needed space or privacy from him.
“We always talked about having our own room.” Felix says, sighing at the thought. Not that they talked that much about it, they didn’t think it would happen for a long time, but then it suddenly did, and Felix was the only one who wasn’t excited. He hated the thought of changing it, but it was bearable when he thought of sharing a room with Hyunjin.
“Yongbok, get your shit together.” Minho says, looking like he’s holding himself back from rolling his eyes. “Just go visit him if you want to see him so badly.” He continues, stating the obvious. But Felix has gone over there so many times uninvited, it would be nice if Hyunjin came here uninvited sometimes too. Felix has to ask him to come for him to even think about it, he’s so busy with his distance and privacy.
“He doesn’t want to see me.” Felix says defensively, wondering where Minho’s earlier understanding went. He moved away from his other half too, he should know how it feels. This time Minho really does roll his eyes, followed by shaking his head and muttering something intangible.
“Did he say that?” Minho asks, and Felix’s silence is answer enough. Hyunjin didn’t say that he doesn’t want to see him, but his lack of interest is more than enough for Felix to get the message. “Just go over there.”
“Maybe later, I’m busy.” Felix says, meaning his moping and music that he’ll go back to the moment Minho leaves. There’s something calming with wrapping himself tightly in the comforter and listening to music loudly enough to drown out all other noises of the dorm.
“No, you’re not.” Minho says bluntly, fixing him about an unimpressed look. “Your music is too loud, and you haven’t left your room since we got back yesterday, you need to get out anyway.” He says, but Felix has no plans of leaving his room.
“Whatever. Can I be alone now?” Felix says, wishing for nothing more than being alone so he can keep listening to the same eighteen songs. Minho shakes his head again before getting off the bed, throwing a ‘sure’ over his shoulder as he leaves. Felix jumps at how loudly he closes the door and realizes too late that Minho didn’t turn the music back on or turn off the lights.
If he gets up, he’ll never get back to the exact position he’s lying in, so he chooses to lie in silence instead, covering his face in the comforter to block out the lights. He knows he’s being petty, not texting or calling Hyunjin, and just waiting for Hyunjin to contact him. It is great to see Hyunjin so excited about something after the year he’s had so far, but Felix really wishes he was excited about something else.
A part of him knows that Hyunjin might be feeling the same way, he finds it hard to ask for things and he has abandonment issues that make him insecure. But just this once, he wants it to be Hyunjin who reaches out to him because Felix feels kind of like he’s falling apart and he’s insecure and scared of being abandoned.
Taking care of Hyunjin is something he does without question, it’s an instinct in him that he loves following, but he needs taking care of sometimes too. He’s suddenly on the verge of tears, feeling so sorry for himself and just missing Hyunjin. The queen-sized bed feels too empty when he’s used to sharing a single bed.
. . .
Felix has no idea how long he stays there before the door opens again, the sound of it making him peek out from his cocoon to tell Minho to leave him alone. But it isn’t Minho. In the doorway stands Hyunjin, smiling nervously with raised brows like he’s hesitant to enter. Felix wordlessly lifts the corner of his comforter, and Hyunjin comes to lie down with him, turning off the lights on his way over to the bed.
“Are you okay?” Hyunjin asks, looking at Felix in a way that says he knows the answer to that question. Knowing him, he probably knows better than Felix how he feels. He looks concerned, probably because Felix doesn’t look okay, and Felix suddenly feels like he’s overreacting. Like it was never that serious, and he was wrong about everything.
“Did Minho hyung call you?” Felix asks, too tired to be mad at Minho for telling on him. Hyunjin just chuckles, answer enough for Felix. “What did he tell you?” He isn’t sure if he wants to know how pathetic Hyunjin thinks he is.
“That you needed me.” Hyunjin simply says, and there’s no way those words came out of Minho’s mouth. Minho is only that soft with Jisung, sometimes the others if they are sad enough. Felix can count on one hand the times Minho has shown him that much care, and it was all when Minho thought he was about to fall to pieces, and he wanted someone else to deal with it instead.
“Did he really?” Felix asks, not sure what he hopes is the answer to that question. On one hand, it warms his heart that Minho knew what he needed, on the other hand, it usually takes a lot for him to do things like that. But he’s tried to get Felix to talk to Hyunjin so many times without success that he probably grew sick of his bullshit.
“Yes, and he told me you’re listening to breakup songs and crying.” Hyunjin says, a stupid smile on his face. He looks like he’s having a good day. He’s calm and present, more than they could hope for a few short months ago. He’s been in intensive trauma therapy for four months, and it is paying off.
“I wasn’t crying.” Felix says defensively even though he definitely has cried at some point every day. He just gets overwhelmed easily, and he can’t contain himself when that happens. Hyunjin just looks at him, letting him know that he knows that isn’t the truth, but he allows Felix to keep the lie.
“What’s going on?” Hyunjin asks softly, looking at Felix like he really wants to know. But Felix feels like it’s such a superficial thing to be upset over not living at the same dorm. He should be grateful that they got the opportunity to move, that he doesn’t have to share a room with two other members anymore, but all he can think about is that Hyunjin is not even in the same building as him anymore.
“I just…” Felix sighs, pulling at Hyunjin to get him closer. He hates the distance that’s grown between them, and he’s helpless to the overpowering need to close it. Hyunjin seems to get the message, moving closer and letting Felix koala himself to his side. Felix can’t really say anything about what is bothering him without making Hyunjin feel guilty or making himself seem dramatic.
“I’m not used to being without you either.” Hyunjin says, hitting the nail right on the head. And he doesn’t even ask if that’s what is bothering Felix, he knows. Felix will never get used to being without Hyunjin, he needs him, and there’s no shame in that.
“That’s not what’s bothering me… I’m just off.” Felix says, for some reason having a really hard time admitting that he’s struggling with this. He just feels like he’s being dramatic when he’s the only one who feels this way.
“Should I be concerned?” Hyunjin says, sounding very much like he already is. Felix can’t stand the seriousness of the moment, so he pushes Hyunjin onto his back and straddles his hips, pinning his arms above his head and smiling down at him, seeing the pure adoration in Hyunjin’s eyes. He has his hair braided and Felix will never get used to how gorgeous he looks like that.
“Never.” Felix says, leaning down to kiss Hyunjin again and feeling his body set fire with the touch. He just needs to have breakdowns every other day for weeks until he gets used to this new normal. He doesn’t understand why he can’t handle change when it seems so easy for everyone around him. But he knows that he will get used to it eventually.
“When I talked to Minho earlier, he mentioned that he wants to switch rooms with someone so he can live with Han-ie, and I just thought…” Hyunjin trails off, making hope spark up in Felix’s chest. “What if we do that too?” Hyunjin finishes. Felix did not expect Hyunjin to bring up something like this, and he hates the hesitation he feels at the mention of them living together.
“You’d really want that?” Felix asks, scared of getting his hopes up. He doesn’t want Hyunjin to offer that just because Minho said something about Felix being sad. He needs Hyunjin to really mean it. If Hyunjin doesn’t want to live together, Felix will eventually get used to it.
“Of course, I would. I hate not living with you.” Hyunjin says, looking surprised that Felix would ever question it. Maybe he shouldn’t question it, maybe he has been wrong this whole time and Minho was right that he’s creating problems that don’t exist.
“Really?” Felix asks, unable to stop himself from getting excited. The thought of ending the distance to live on top of Hyunjin again just makes him so happy. It isn’t as clingy as it sounds. They often do their own things and forget about the other’s existence, but they’re still in the same place, and that is what Felix misses. The silence is just too loud when he’s alone.
“Is that so hard to believe?” Hyunjin asks with a small frown, and Felix definitely feels like he has been dramatic now. Maybe Hyunjin has missed him as much as he has missed Hyunjin, and he never actually wanted them to be apart either.
“It’s just that you love your room, you seemed really excited about it.” Felix says, needing to clear that up so he can be done with it. Hyunjin smiles, leaning in to kiss Felix before giving him the softest look.
“No part of my excitement was because you weren’t there. I would actually be even more excited if you were, and there’s more than enough space for you to live there too. I don’t know why we ever thought it would be okay for us to live in separate dorms.” Hyunjin says, somehow knowing exactly what Felix needs to hear.
He knows that Hyunjin wanted to see if he could be alone now that he’s recovering, but he seems to have realized that he doesn’t have to. Felix doesn’t know how many times he’s had to go over there in the last two months, no matter what time of day or night it is to comfort Hyunjin and help him calm down. It will be much easier to help when he’s already there.
“Are you asking me to move into your room?” Felix asks with a wide smile. He knows what Hyunjin is saying, and he couldn’t agree more, but he wants to hear Hyunjin say it.
“No, I’m not asking. I need you with me, so if you’re not moving into my room, I’m moving into yours, and I am not giving you a choice.” Hyunjin says, making Felix forget about all his thoughts of Hyunjin liking the distance. It is clear now that Hyunjin didn’t like it any more than Felix did, and neither of them wanted to admit it.
“I would love to move into your room.” Felix says, leaning into another kiss and feeling like he could jump around with how happy he is.
“It’s decided then.” Hyunjin smiles, looking just as excited as Felix feels. “And I’m sleeping over, I’m done being apart from you.” He adds, and Felix fully agrees with that. From now on, he’ll cling to Hyunjin like they already live together.
“Do you feel better now?” Hyunjin asks a moment later, still looking concerned. Felix wishes he could say that he feels great, but he’s too tired to have much of a reaction.
“I’m just tired, I don’t know.” Felix says with a shrug, feeling like he’s been so low on energy recently. Maybe that’s why he’s moping around so much, he spends all of his energy on schedules, leaving nothing for when he gets home. Being tired always puts him in a bad mood, especially when he’s left alone and can feel how emotionally drained he is.
“Maybe because you need to eat?” Hyunjin suggests carefully, and the moment he says it, it clicks in Felix’s mind. Of course, that’s why, he keeps forgetting to eat because his body doesn’t let him know that he needs to. “You’re losing weight again.” Hyunjin adds softly, knowing that this is a sensitive subject for Felix. He hates it when this happens.
“Oh.” Felix sighs, unsure of what else to say. He never really feels hungry, his body sucks at that part of functioning, but he usually remembers to eat anyway. He had a good routine on it, but that all was messed with when they moved, and he couldn’t follow the other’s eating habits the same way.
“It’s no wonder you’re tired and in a bad mood if you aren’t eating enough.” Hyunjin says softly, and Felix knows that he’s right. Felix hates that he did so much work to get over his eating disorder only to forget to eat. The others are concerned that he’s relapsing when he starts to lose weight, but he isn’t doing this consciously on any level. Hyunjin is the only one who understands that.
“I don’t know, I just don’t feel hungry.” Felix says, feeling the need to explain himself even though Hyunjin knows exactly what is up. They’ve talked about this so many times before, and Felix recently realized that he has never felt hunger in the way Hyunjin describes it. He can’t relate to the feeling of his stomach caving in on itself or rumbling in hunger. He just knows when it’s time to eat, but sometimes he forgets.
“I know, I’ll remind you to eat.” Hyunjin says, just like every other time this happens. Felix just needs some help to get back into a routine and he’ll be okay. He had an eating disorder when he was a teenager, he knows how they feel, and this is completely different.
“Why do you believe me?” Felix asks, amazed at Hyunjin’s trust in him. Felix understands why it seems like he isn’t okay when this happens, but no matter how it looks, Hyunjin believes that Felix isn’t doing it on purpose.
“You wouldn’t be able to hide it from me if you were anxious about eating.” Hyunjin simply says, and Felix pretends to be annoyed as he cuddles up to Hyunjin’s side again. He knows he’s a bad liar, but he can hide things from Hyunjin if he wants, he just doesn’t try because he doesn’t want to.
“Am I that bad of a liar?” Felix asks, melting against Hyunjin’s side when Hyunjin pulls him closer. Hyunjin hums, staying quiet for a moment like he’s contemplating how blunt to be. It’s pointless though because when he opens his mouth, he’s as blunt as he can be.
“Yes, you really are.” Hyunjin finally says, making Felix snort a laugh and hit him lightly in the chest. Okay, whatever, lying isn’t his strong suit, he can live with that. Honesty is usually the best option anyway. “And you suck at getting the joke, and you don’t understand irony.” Hyunjin continues, counting on his fingers and making Felix feel so shy that he does the only thing he can think of, shut him up with a kiss.
“That was random, and yes, I do.” Felix says with a frown, pouting exaggeratedly. He uses irony all the time, it’s practically his whole personality to be ironic, how can he not understand irony if he uses it all the time?
“Right, sorry, I was wrong.” Hyunjin says and Felix relaxes, laughing when Hyunjin kisses the pout off of his face. When he pulls back again, he’s smiling the sweetest smile, looking so soft that Felix just wants to hold him close and never let go.
“Thank you.” Felix says with satisfaction, only to be surprised when Hyunjin rolls his eyes and laughs at him. “What?” Felix asks defensively, feigning hurt as he sits up, leaning back from Hyunjin.
“That was ironic.” Hyunjin says with a dumb smile as he sits up too. Felix stays silent for a moment, wondering if he’s really that bad at conversations.
“Whatever, who needs irony?” Felix says, wrapping his arms around Hyunjin’s waist and pressing his face into his shoulder. Hyunjin wraps his own arms around Felix too, pulling him impossibly close like he also can’t stand being apart for too long.
“Let’s get you something to eat.” Hyunjin says then, and with a nod Felix follows him into the kitchen.