Chapter Text
“Hyun-ie?” A deep voice breaks through Hyunjin’s thoughts. He looks up to see Felix looking at him along with the whole group. He knows he’s glitching, but he didn’t realize that he had spaced out again. “You with us?” Felix asks, and Hyunjin wants to reassure them that he’s okay even if that isn’t entirely true. They’re on tour, so he can’t not be okay, he would ruin everything.
Hyunjin nods too enthusiastically to be believable. “Just thinking, sorry.” He says, looking away from Felix when the other frowns at him. There’s no way Felix doesn’t know he just lied, but hopefully he’ll let Hyunjin get away with it. He hasn’t had a good night’s sleep since they arrived in the US over a week ago, it shouldn’t be surprising to anyone that he’s having absence seizures.
“You’re not…?” Felix doesn’t need to say any more, they all know what he means; You’re not having a seizure? Felix doesn’t have to ask; he can spot them better than anyone. The group is at rehearsal for their show tomorrow, thousands of STAYs will be expecting a good time. Hyunjin can’t start flaring up now, so he doesn’t want to acknowledge what’s happening, but Felix is still giving it attention and it hits a nerve.
“Yes, Felix, I’m having a seizure. I’m actually having a tonic-clonic as we speak, can’t you tell?” Hyunjin snaps, immediately feeling like the worst human being alive when his boyfriend flinches back with a frown. Felix is the sweetest person he knows; he doesn’t deserve being snapped at when he’s just trying to be helpful.
“I’m sorry, I’m just tired and spaced out.” Hyunjin apologizes, shrinking in on himself with guilt. He is so tired; it’s making his moods all over the place. He isn’t the type to snap and get angry for no reason, it takes even him by surprise. He must be more exhausted than he realized.
“Hey, it’s okay.” Felix says, coming closer to wrap Hyunjin in a comforting hug. It’s exactly what Hyunjin didn’t know he needed. He takes a deep breath as he melts into Felix’s touch, closing his eyes and feeling them burn with the need to sleep. Tour is stressful, and he hasn’t been able to adjust to the time difference, and he’s exhausted from the shows, but there’s also nowhere else he’d rather be.
“Alright, so when you meet at the front, over there,” Their choreographer jumps back in and brings all their attention to what they were doing before Hyunjin had the absence. He points at the spot he’s talking about before continuing to explain. “You need to stand a little closer than you’re used to. They had to make some adjustments so it’s a smaller space than the usual stage. Everything should still be possible to do, just a little more compacted.”
They are currently in Atlanta for their show here tomorrow night. This tour means a lot to all of them. It’s a milestone in their careers, something that shows how far they’ve come. They practiced in dance studios for months, rehearsing old and new choreographies to make everything perfect. The three shows they had in Seoul a few weeks ago and the four shows in Japan last month went perfectly, and now they’re bringing the show overseas.
They get into their formation for Maniac at the front of the stage, Hyunjin laying down next to Seungmin, all of them surrounding Felix and Minho for the intro. Then the music starts and Hyunjin lets his body move on auto pilot. They must’ve done this song on at least fifty talk-, award- and variety shows in the past couple of months. Even the small added movements that makes the dance their individual style is muscle memory at this point.
Someone bumps into Hyunjin, knocking him backwards. “Oh shit.” Jeongin says, looking at him with concern. Hyunjin forgot to move when they were supposed to change positions and Jeongin slid sideways into him.
“Sorry.” Hyunjin mumbles, embarrassed at spacing out again. This time he was just lost in thought though, at least he thinks so.
“Take it from the top.” The choreographer orders, doing a bad job of hiding his annoyance, they don’t have time for Hyunjin’s bullshit, they have to get through everything before having to move on to the next schedule. Everyone moves back to their marks, waiting for the music to start over. This time, Hyunjin stays alert. He focuses on big, controlled movements and rushed but relaxed switching of positions.
His head gets fuzzy during the second chorus. Words feel weird in his mouth when he mouths along to his part, like his tongue is too heavy to form them correctly. It’s a relief when the song ends a minute later. It gives him a moment to close his eyes and breathe before he has to dance again. He should probably tell someone when the dizzy disorientation hits, but he decides that he’s just tired, there’s no way it’s an aura.
A flareup is at the forefront of everyone’s mind. They already had the shows in Seoul and Japan where he didn’t have any seizures, and the last few weeks they’ve been running from one thing to the other and he’s been fine. Yeah, he spaced out a few times during interviews, livestreams, and filming, but nothing too obvious. It just looks like he’s lost in thought, so no one picked up on it yet.
Hyunjin wants to be optimistic, to say that he’s just spacing out more than normal, but sleep is one of his biggest triggers, and he is consistently not sleeping. He wants to believe that he’s just tired and having trouble focusing, but he’s never slept this badly before and not had a flareup because of it. Even though he’s mildly aware that he’s in denial, he wants to hold onto the hope for a little while longer. If he starts stressing about it, stress is a big trigger as well, so he’ll just increase the chances that a flareup is actually coming.
They line up again, laying on the stage floor and waiting for the music to start. The moment comes when they’re supposed to get up, but Hyunjin doesn’t move. The others don’t realize he’s still on the floor until Seungmin trips over him. Everyone stops dancing when he yelps in surprise and turns around and see that Hyunjin is still on his back, feet now planted on the floor.
Silence settles over them when the music in turned off. Felix kneels beside him, putting a hand on his shoulder and feeling how tense the muscles are under his palm. “Hyun-ie?” There’s no reaction. Hyunjin keeps staring at a spot on the ceiling with his mouth slightly open. He is tense, the veins in his neck and forehead popping out with the effort and he’s shaking a little, chest so tight that he’s holding his breath.
“You’re okay, Hyun-ie, you’re safe. It’s just a tonic seizure, it’ll be over soon.” Felix talks to him, keeping an eye on how long it lasts as they wait. These are scary for Hyunjin, he’s usually awake, locked in his body. Hyunjin’s eyes start to water when they refuse to close, and a tear makes its way down into his hairline.
“Hyun-ie?” Felix tries again and this time he’s met with a slow blink as more tears fall. His eyes must burn when they finally close after being open for so long. Felix can touch him now that it’s ending, so he wipes carefully at Hyunjin’s tears and rubs his shoulder.
A groan makes its way up Hyunjin’s throat as he resurfaces. He blinks a few times, looking at how Chan, Felix, Changbin and Jisung are standing or sitting around him with concerned frowns. Minho stands frozen a few feet to his left, just looking at him with big eyes and the youngest are nowhere to be seen.
“You’re okay, that’s it, just take your time.” Felix says, stroking Hyunjin’s cheek as he blinks away the fog and waits for his body to start working again. “You just had a tonic seizure, it lasted just over a minute. Were you awake?” Felix asks, making Hyunjin search his memory for an answer. The fact that he has to ask himself is an answer in itself, if he was, he wouldn’t forget about it.
“No.” Hyunjin sighs, a little confused as that doesn’t follow the usual way tonic seizures are. Felix looks a little confused too, but he nods in relief, glad that Hyunjin escaped that terrifying experience this time.
“That’s good. Are you okay? Can you move everything?” Felix asks on and Hyunjin tests his hands and feet, relieved that he can still move. Losing his legs in the middle of rehearsal would not be ideal. But even more, he’s relieved that his pants are dry. He can’t even imagine the humiliation of wetting himself in front of so many staff.
“Sorry.” Hyunjin whispers, tongue still heavy in his mouth. He takes Felix’s hand and lets himself be pulled up to sit with his back against his chest. He doesn’t let go of Felix’s hand, playing with his fingers while they sit there for a while. Hyunjin still feels heavy, but not unlike how he felt because he was tired before the seizure.
“Nothing to apologize for.” Felix quickly reassures him. “You can’t help it.” Hyunjin looks up to see Jeongin standing awkwardly a few feet away with a water bottle. His hand twitches as if he’s unsure how to hand Hyunjin the bottle, so Hyunjin reaches out for it, grabbing it with a thankful smile. He unscrews the cap with shaky hands and takes a sip to rinse the metallic aftertaste seizures leave out of his mouth.
“Are you okay now?” Jeongin asks with a shy smile. Seungmin stands by his side, nervously fidgeting with his hands. The group is split in two when this happens. Chan, Changbin and Jisung jump into action, taking care of him and making sure he’s safe while Jeongin, Seungmin and Minho freeze up, scared and unsure how to help or deal with the situation. Felix does both. He knows exactly what to do, he is often the main person to help him, but he’s terrified.
“Yeah, I feel fine, normal.” Hyunjin reassures them, and the youngest’s shoulders drop in relief. Recovering from a tonic seizure is thankfully much easier than the tonic-clonics.
“Maybe you should go lie down.” Jisung suggests even though he knows Hyunjin will decline the offer.
“I’m fine.” Hyunjin quickly shoots him down. His body begs him to take a break, but now that he can’t really deny flaring up, he wants to do everything in his power to prepare for the show tomorrow. He will take control of everything he can to compensate for the things he can’t take control of.
“I think you should lie down for a while.” Changbin tries to keep his tone light while being strict. He looks at Felix, widening his eyes slightly to show he could use some support. Felix just smiles in a way that says, ‘you’re in this one alone’, he knows there’s no convincing Hyunjin when he’s made up his mind.
“I don’t need to.” Hyunjin says stubbornly. He’s never been good at taking time off and while he’s getting better at it, nothing can stop him from staying here. They don’t have much left of rehearsal anyway before they have to go do interviews, so there’s no point. If he manages to fall asleep for a few minutes, it’ll just make him feel like a zombie when he has to wake up to go do interviews.
“Hyunjin-ah. I really think you should.” Changbin repeats. Everyone would prefer for Hyunjin to go lie down for a while, but no one else dares test his patience. He’s already proven himself tired enough to be snappy and bad moods won’t help anyone.
“Hyung, I’m okay, I can keep going.” Something flashes in Hyunjin’s eyes and Changbin throws his hands up in defeat. Fighting won’t do any good, so they get back to it, running through the last few songs that need to be adjusted.
. . .
Hours later, Hyunjin starts to realize that maybe he was wrong. They’re sitting in a brightly lit room, doing interviews and Hyunjin can’t keep up. His mind is so slow, he feels like he’s a few seconds behind on everything that happens around him. By the time his brain processes the words that were said, something else is said and he has to start over again. Then there’s the seconds he keeps losing, like he’s glitching his way through a choppy video.
He has to fight not to look like he’s about to fall asleep between the absences, not having slept for more than a few minutes at a time since the few hours he got yesterday afternoon. His body just can’t get used to the different time-zone, leaving him wide awake all night and dead tired during the day. He probably looks horrible even under the layers of makeup and professional lighting.
It doesn’t take long for Hyunjin to lean on Felix for support. Felix sits in front of him, so Hyunjin puts his hands on Felix’s shoulders, holding himself up while seeking the touch to keep him from freaking out at how spacey he feels. Felix turns to look at him with a reassuring smile, but he clearly sees that Hyunjin is struggling.
Hyunjin can’t remember ever being this tired during schedules before, unable to sit up straight or make his eyes focus as every little sound echoes in his ears. He starts to wonder if something’s really wrong with him, but just then, Felix lifts his hands to take Hyunjin’s and squeezes them comfortingly. Hyunjin is eternally grateful that they can do so now without worrying about rumors of their relationship since it’s been confirmed. It’s a small touch, but it keeps Hyunjin from freaking out.
The group bursts out laughing at something and the sound startles Hyunjin, making him look around at them with bleary eyes. They’re clearly joking around about something, wild gestures and loud voices putting a genuine smile on Hyunjin’s face. He tries to laugh along even though he has no idea what the joke is. Even when exhausted and so sick of hearing their own songs that they could cry, his friends find it in themselves to laugh and be silly.
As he watches them joke around, the déjà vu-like feeling comes, washing over him in a warm, numbing wave. It’s dizzying how intense the feeling is, dread and disorientation further fogging up his mind. Hyunjin sags in defeat as he recognizes this feeling for what is really is, regretting more than ever not listening to his members earlier.
“Felix.” Hyunjin says quietly, vaguely aware that they are being filmed from multiple angles. He hasn’t said anything in the last few hours, it makes his voice very loud when he finally says something. All their heads whip around, stopping mid laugher and freezing in place. It would’ve been funny if it was any other situation, but as it is, they’re running out of time and Hyunjin need to get out of here.
“Now?” Felix whispers, turning on his chair to get a better look at Hyunjin’s face. Hyunjin just nods. He’s still able to think kind of clearly but speaking feels like too much of an effort. The last thing any of them want is for a seizure to be caught on camera or even seen by someone who isn’t on their team. Hyunjin is terrified of the world finding out about his condition, he has done everything in his power to keep it private.
“Can you make it backstage?” Felix asks, hoping they can at least get away from the crew to give Hyunjin privacy. Hyunjin nods, hoping he’s right. He can’t tell how far away the seizure is, just that it’s coming. It usually doesn’t take long, but they might have a few minutes.
The interviewer looks at them in stunned silence when Felix suddenly stands up and practically drags Hyunjin out of his chair. Chan follows behind them, knowing that the first seizures of a flareup are harder for Felix to handle alone. He gets scared because he feels out of practice when it’s been a while, but he also gets sad for Hyunjin, knowing how hard it is for him.
Hyunjin’s steps are clumsy and uncoordinated as he clings to consciousness. When they’re halfway to their dressing room his body tenses up and his heart skips a beat. He stops in his tracks, leaning his head back and forcing his lungs to take a deep breath. His fingers are tingling and numb and he feels detached from his body and out of breath. He doesn’t have much time left and he can’t walk anymore; this hallway will have to do.
“You’re okay. We’re here with you and we’re alone here. No one will see.” Felix says soothingly as if he felt Hyunjin tense up too, he probably did. Felix manages to stay calm as him and Chan help Hyunjin lie down on the floor, putting all of his focus on helping Hyunjin rather than freaking out. As soon as he’s on the ground, Hyunjin’s body goes numb as a fuzzy feeling spread through him.
“Okay. You’re okay. You’re safe.” Felix says in a half-whisper. Chan quickly shrugs off his jacket, folding it up to put it under Hyunjin’s head to protect it. Felix can only watch as Hyunjin’s eyes roll back and his body starts seizing, convulsing on the floor.
“Oh my god.” Felix mumbles breathily, blinking rapidly to keep the tears at bay. He feels his heart race at the scene unfolding in front of him, his emotions getting the best of him. It seems like everyone has gotten sort of used to seeing this, but Felix never did. He will never get used to the fact that his partner has to go through this, as painful and scary as it is for Hyunjin.
“He’s okay.” Chan tries to comfort Felix while keeping all his attention on Hyunjin. Chan holds the sides of Hyunjin’s head in a loose grip to make sure he doesn’t stretch his neck too far or move off the jacket and hit it on the floor.
Felix has a harder time handling this than normal right now, probably because he’s also stressed and tired. But Felix can’t freak out. Hyunjin is the one they have to help, not him. He reminds himself that he knows how to do this, and Hyunjin will be okay, this is completely normal. With a deep breath, Felix puts aside his own fears and talks to Hyunjin.
“I’m here Hyun-ie, Lix-ie is here. You’re okay.” He knows that Hyunjin can’t hear right now, but it makes him feel a little better and more useful. Felix just wants to take his pain away, to trade places so Hyunjin never has to go through this again.
Hyunjin convulses on the floor, his arms locked up to his chest, his legs kicking against the floor and his head pulling back, making the veins in his neck stand out. His breaths come in hiccupping gulps and grunts are being forced out of his throat. His jaw is so tight it must hurt his teeth and there’s a dark patch spreading out on the crotch of his jeans.
“You’re okay. I’m with you, Hyun-ie. You are safe. It’ll be over sooner than you know.” Felix talks to him throughout the whole thing with reassuring words while Chan protects his head without restricting his movements. All they can do is try to help Hyunjin stay safe while waiting it out.
Two minutes pass before Hyunjin’s movements seem to slow down a little. “There you go. Just relax, take your time.” Chan says calmly. Hyunjin needs the reminder not to try to rush himself while he’s recovering, it won’t speed up the process. There’s no way of knowing when Hyunjin starts hearing them, so they have a general rule to act as if he can hear them the whole time just in case.
Felix keeps talking to him as Hyunjin stills on the floor, the tension finally seeping out of him. He’s out of breath and shaking a little from the exertion, but he looks okay. After his shoulder dislocation a few years ago, Felix has gotten good at seeing if anything is off in the way he moves during or after seizures. He almost trusts his own judgement when he thinks that Hyunjin just looks tired.
“Are you with us?” Chan asks, hoping for a response to let them know it’s over. Hyunjin moans, his eyes still shut as he catches his breath. He doesn’t remember much after getting the weird feeling during practice, but the ache in his muscles tell him what happened.
Waking up after is the worst part. Fading back in and having to put the pieces together of what happened is nerve-wracking. Feeling himself slip is bad too. Knowing whatever happens next will be ugly is terrifying no matter how many times he’s gone through it. Losing time, being sore and achy, waking up to wet pants and vomit is unsettling at best. Actually, every part is the worst part.
“You had a tonic-clonic that lasted two minutes and forty seconds, give or take.” Felix says, surprising Chan with how much he was paying attention during his little freak-out. Hyunjin likes to know, taking back the control he loses in any way he can. If knowing what happened and how long it lasted makes him feel even a tiny bit better, there’s no doubt that Felix will give him that no matter his own mental state.
“Was it bad?” Hyunjin slurs when he feels strong enough to speak again, it thankfully doesn’t take too long this time. Hearing his voice calms Felix down, allowing him to start breathing again. Hyunjin is definitely done for the day, no matter how hard he tries to refuse it he is not going back to work.
“You’ve had worse.” Chan smiles down at him and Hyunjin groans. His neck is sore, and his teeth hurt along with the bruises he’s sure is forming on his ankles, but it’s not too bad. He feels sorer from the muscles being overused than hurting from being stretched and twisted too far and there’s no injury pain. The wet pants are itchy and gross, but Chan is right, he’s had worse.
“Help me up?” Hyunjin says after another few minutes. He feels like he’s gained back enough strength to make it to the dressing room and the floor of the hallway is starting to hurt his back. There’s nothing he wants more than to lie down somewhere soft and sleep for an eternity.
Felix and Chan help him up and don’t let go of him while they make their way down the hallway and in the door with a big ‘STRAY KIDS’ label on it. As much as Hyunjin wants to be able to do it on his own, he’s glad that they’re so protective of him. He probably would’ve collapsed again if he had to use any more strength than he is to stay upright.
“Couch?” Chan asks, but they’re already leading him in that direction. Hyunjin says a ‘yeah’ in response anyway. He can’t lie down until he’s changed, but even just sitting down soothes some of his aches and allows him to relax. Hyunjin watches almost in a haze as Felix grabs a bottle of something from the fridge in the corner and Chan goes to get the fresh pants from his backpack in a different room. Hyunjin always carries spare clothes for this reason, he never knows when he’ll need them.
Felix hands him the bottle and Hyunjin takes it gratefully, washing away the horrible taste in his mouth with something fruity, and then chugging almost the whole bottle when he feels how thirsty he is. Felix chuckles at him, going to get another bottle before sitting down beside him.
“Did you freak out?” Hyunjin asks, resting his head on Felix’s shoulder and closing his eyes. He feels a little guilty that he makes Felix feel like he needs to be there, but Hyunjin really does need him there. He knows that Felix hates seeing the seizures no matter how much he insists otherwise. But Hyunjin feels so safe when he wakes up to Felix’s voice, even when he can’t recognize who it is, he just knows that his voice is safety.
“Only a little.” Felix holds up his hand, illustrating how little he freaked out with the small space between his thumb and pointy finger, no more than half an inch. Hyunjin lets out a tired burst of laughter, swatting at Felix’s hand.
“Sure.” Hyunjin snorts, only half teasing. He’s obviously never seen Felix in that situation, but he’s heard enough and woken up to his red eyes more times than he can count. He used to not understand why Felix put himself in that situation if it makes him so uncomfortable, but then they spent a lot of time apart last year and Hyunjin realized how much worse it was for Felix not to be there at all.
“It’s true! I helped you lie down and talked you through it while timing it and keeping you safe.” Felix says and Hyunjin melts at how proud he looks, like protecting Hyunjin is one of the things he loves doing. Seeing how willing he is to do it helps Hyunjin feel a little less like a burden.
“Really?” Hyunjin’s voice goes soft, looking at Felix with a mix of disbelief and admiration. He grabs Felix’s hand between his own, still struggling to imagine him being very helpful during the first tonic-clonic seizure of a flareup when someone else was available.
“Yes!” Felix exclaims a little louder than he probably should have. Maybe Hyunjin isn’t giving him enough credit. They don’t really talk a lot about how Felix feels about all of this, mostly because Felix is so clear that this isn’t about him, it’s about doing what Hyunjin needs to be able to live as normal a life as possible. Somewhere along the way, Felix learned to handle this pretty well and Hyunjin didn’t even realize.
“Well, thank you.” Hyunjin says, leaning further into Felix’s space to give him a soft kiss. He can feel Felix smile against his lips and whisper, “You’re welcome.” Before he’s pulled back in.
Someone clears their throat in the doorway. “Got your pants.” Chan says with a knowing smile, walking over to hand them to Felix before leaving again. Felix helps Hyunjin shimmy out of his wet pants without having to get up, hands him a wet wipe with an apologetic look and helps him pull on the clean and dry pants once he’s cleaned himself off.
The whole ordeal is exhausting and the sleepiness hits so hard his eyes are burning by the time he’s changed. Hyunjin moans with relief when his sore body finally relaxes back into the couch cushions. Even with so much help, his body is so exhausted that moving aches.
“Do you need anything else?” Felix asks, tucking the wet pants into a plastic bag so they can be washed when they get back to the hotel. Hyunjin shakes his head, but Felix still brings him every blanket and pillow in the room.
“You can go back.” Hyunjin says once he’s settled in with enough pillows and blankets to not be able to move. He doesn’t want Felix to miss out on the rest of the interviews just because he can’t continue. And he is barely awake at this point; he’s just going to sleep while they finish up anyway.
“I don’t know.” Felix says hesitantly, shifting in space where he’s standing in front of the couch. He isn’t used to leaving Hyunjin alone while he’s having seizures, and if Hyunjin knows him right, his whole body is pulling him toward the couch to cuddle, but responsibilities are pulling him in the opposite direction.
“I’ll just take a nap, I’ll be fine.” Hyunjin tries to convince him. Taking a nap will be much easier without a pair of eyes staring at him and checking if he needs anything every two minutes. And he will feel very guilty if he makes Felix miss work just to cuddle.
“Are you sure?” Felix asks hesitantly. “I can stay, it’s no problem.”
“I’m sure.” Hyunjin says with a yawn. His eyes are drooping with exhaustion, body already going numb with sleep.
“One-hundred percent certain that you will be okay?” Felix doesn’t want to leave, but he knows that people are waiting for them to do their job. “I won’t miss much if I stay, we’re almost done anyways.”
“Yes.” Hyunjin doesn’t have the energy to say any more while he fights to stay awake. His eyes are closed, sheer will the only thing keeping him from drifting off.
“You have your phone here, right? Call me, or any of us, all of us if anything feels off at all.” Felix looks at him in a way that gives him no choice but to agree before closing his eyes again. His phone is put on the table beside the couch with strict reminders to call if anything happens, but Hyunjin is already gone to the world.