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Wilhelm had been trying to prepare for this day. It has come every year since the accident happened, but the pain never dulled. It had been 10 years since the death of Erik. Wilhelm’s support systems have only grown throughout the years which he is grateful for. He had a therapist, he had Simon, and he had learned how to open up to others such as Linda or Felice. However, he had never been able to eliminate the guilt he carried with him.
Every year, as he grew happier, he would think back to how Erik would never get to experience what he did. A loving partner, a happy marriage, and now a baby. He knew that Ingrid was a blessing not only to their family but to the country.
For the past week, Simon had been trying to help Wilhelm through his negative self-talk and tried to get him to open up. However, it was not unusual for him to close in on himself around this time of year. Wilhelm knew it was rather worrisome for Simon, as he would stop eating and sleeping. Lately, Wilhelm would go to bed with Simon, but as soon as Simon was asleep, he would get out of bed and go sit in Ingrid’s room. It calmed him to watch her sleep. The soft rise and fall of her chest provided a distraction from his thinking about Erik.
As he cracks his eyes open, he first notices Simon to his right, sleeping soundly on his stomach, and how it's still dark outside. Slowly, he pulls away from his husband and gets out of bed. Slipping on one of Simon’s hoodies, Wilhelm exits their bedroom and heads towards his daughter’s. He knew that she was sleeping and that he shouldn’t disturb her, but she helped his anxiety.
Quietly, he twisted the doorknob and entered her room not bothering to turn up the lights. He bends and gently lifts Ingrid, bringing her into the crook of his arm. She startles slightly but doesn’t wake up. Wille walks them both over to the rocking chair in the corner of her room. Once seated, Wilhelm noticed that his daughter had cracked her eye open to see who was holding her.
“Oh, I’m sorry little one” Wille coos and rubs the back of his finger against her round cheek
“Daddy isn’t feeling well and I thought you could help me” he sighed and soothed her blonde curls “You know today marks another year without your uncle Erik” Ingrid let out a small yawn and continued to stare up at her father
“Pappa won’t be too happy if he finds out that I woke you up” he continues to rock the chair “So let’s try to get you back to sleep, my lovely” Wille then ponders quickly before settling on what he’ll test out.
“How about I tell you about your uncle Erik?” Ingrid reaches her little fist up, and Wille places his index finger into her palm “I’ll take that as a yes” he grins down at her
“You’re uncle was very loving, goofy behind closed doors, and protective. He fiercely tried to shield me from my royal duties and the cruelty of the public.” he says “He was the only one who recognized my anxiety and worries... At the time, he was the only one who appeared to care. He was always there to get me out of bed after a bad day or to remind me to eat when I was too anxious about some duty I had to perform.” he whispers “He was my favourite person and I only wish I could have expressed to him how much I loved him”
When he finishes the story, he notices how Ingrid’s eyes have closed. His heart feels so full when looking down at her peaceful face. He brings her closer, kisses her forehead and goes to place her back down in her crib. Exiting her room, Wille makes his way downstairs towards the kitchens. It was so early in the morning that the kitchen staff still hadn’t started prepping for breakfast. He quickly got to making one of the few things he could, coffee. He knew that he wouldn’t be able to stomach food at this hour or potentially for the whole day.
With a warm mug of coffee in hand, makes his way out of the kitchens and towards the double doors that lead to the gardens. Stopping before the doors, he eyes the small cabinet beside them. Against his better judgement, he opens the top drawer, grabs the packet of cigarettes and lighter then exits into the gardens. He knows that Simon has never approved of this habit as the smell reminds him of Mickie.
The cool, crisp air helped Wilhelm feel grounded. He could already feel his cheeks turning pink due to the cold wind. Setting his coffee down, he pulls out a cigarette, slipping it between his lips and lighting it. As soon as he takes his first drag, he can feel some shred of anxiety leave his body. Although it happens every year, he was not mentally prepared for the commemoration ceremony that is taking place in a few hours. The cameras, the many citizens, and the speech he must deliver continue to keep him on edge.
Today was when he always wished he was allowed some form of normalcy. Was it too much to ask for some privacy to grieve with his family? Apparently yes, rather than getting to be comforted, Wilhelm was responsible for comforting the nation.
When the first cigarette is finished, he pulls out a second and a third. Only when his coffee is finished and the sun begins to rise does he make his way back into the palace. He places the cigarettes and lighter back in their normal place and leaves the mug on the cabinet. Slowly, he climbs the stairs back toward his bedroom and keeps his eyes downcast as a way to let the staff know he isn’t prepared to talk to them. Reaching the bedroom, he lets out a deep breath before twisting the doorknob and opening the door. Luckily, his husband was still asleep and cocooned in their duvet. He wouldn’t have been prepared to see Simon trying to hide his disappointment when he could smell the cigarettes on him.
Quietly, he goes to Simon’s side of the bed and gently brushes his dark curls away from his face. Even now, Simon is one of the most beautiful people he’s ever seen other than Ingrid. He can still remember how happy he felt when he saw that Ingrid inherited those thick, glossy curls. With one last glance, he retreats into the bathroom and turns on the shower. Sluggishly, he removes his clothes, faces the mirror and finally garners the courage to look at himself.
He wasn’t surprised to see how pale he’d gotten, the darkness under his eyes, and how visibly upset he looked. Times like this are when he wishes he could sleep forever and forget his responsibilities. Trying to rub the tiredness out of his eyes, Wilhelm steps into the shower. He made sure that the water was scalding, he wanted to feel the burning against his skin, hoping to feel something. Facing away from the door, he leans against the tile which covers the shower walls. Wilhelm was so stuck in his thoughts that he didn’t hear the click of the bathroom door opening and closing. Nor did he turn around when he heard his husband entering the shower behind him.
Simon’s arm slowly weaves their way around Wille’s waist and tugs him backwards. Wilhelm leans back, pressing some of his weight into Simon, and lets out a deep exhale. Simon rubs his smooth cheek against his husband’s back, trying to give him support through physical touch. He then softly rubbed his thumbs over the top of Wilhelm’s knuckles as he grabbed onto his husband's hands. Wilhelm then turns while Simon’s arms remain bound around him, his eyes connect with Simon’s
“I didn’t mean to wake you,” Wilhelm says, eyes downcast, looking at Simon’s hands in his.
“Min älskling, I’m glad you did” Simon tried to catch his husband’s eyes “I am not blind to the fact that today will be difficult, and I want to be here to support you”
Simon lifts his right hand to Wilhelm’s face and gently wipes under his husband’s eye “It hurts me to see you like this” he whispers “I wish I could take the pain away from you” Wilhelm gently closes his eyes and leans into his husband’s touch
“You do my love, I promise,” Wille says “I am just having a harder time this year”
Although his husband can’t see him, Simon nods his head in agreement. Simon knows where Wilhelm’s current feeling of guilt stems from. He knows that his husband continues to feel guilty for everything that is going well in his life. For everything that Erik did not get to experience.
“Erik would have been so proud of you, min älskling,” Simon says “I know this year is harder for you because we have Ingrid, but Erik would have been so happy for you” he continues “He would want us, would want you to remember the good times and not focus on what was lost” Wille then opens his eyes, which were now red with tears he refused to let fall
“I just...I just still can’t understand what I did to deserve this” Wille whispered brokenly “Erik was the good one, he was the one who deser–” Wilhelm cuts himself off when his breathing catches, and he drops his head into the crook of Simon’s shoulder
“Wilhelm, you are good and I will not allow you to think otherwise,” Simon says strongly “You deserve this happiness and you are allowed to enjoy it” Simon gently runs his hand through his husband’s hair. “I love you, your daughter loves you and Erik still loves you” he coos. Wilhelm then pulls back and looks down at his husband
“I love you” he says, and brings his hands to cradle Simon’s face. He then leans down and captures his husband’s lips with his. It was a short but gentle kiss, meant as a thank you. The pair then proceed to take their time cleaning each other with tenderness.
—-
The pair now lay back in bed, freshly showered and enjoying their brief period to just be together. Wilhelm was lying on top of Simon’s front and his head was tucked under his husband’s chin. For an undetermined amount of time, Simon calmed his husband by humming a lullaby and playing with his hair.
“Wilhelm, please tell me that you did not go anywhere near Ingrid after you smoked” Simon gently says, breaking the comfortable silence they fell into
“No, of course not” Wilhelm responds while leaning up on his elbows so that he can look at his husband
“I know how much the smell still bothers you and reminds you of…” Wille stops himself from naming Simon’s father “but I couldn’t help myself and I made sure to do it far away from our bedroom and her bedroom” he continues and brushes one of his husband’s curls back
“Please know that I would never do that” he whispers “I went to check on her first and then went outside”
“Okay” Simon sighs and continues to play with Wille’s hair
“I’m sorry” Wilhelm says and drops himself back onto his husband's chest. He then feels Simon re-adjust so that he is back to being tucked in the crook of his neck.
“It’s alright, min älksling” Deciding to let it go, Simon resumes humming a song for his husband. Currently, his sole mission is to help Wilhelm through his anxiety and help give him some reprieve before today’s ceremony.
—--
A little time passed before they heard a cry break through their bedroom.
“I’ll go get the little one, stay here” Simon tells his husband “I’ll have some breakfast brought to our room”
Wilhelm was about to object but his husband was too quick. He sits up in bed and listens to his husband through the baby monitor. His heart swells when he hears Simon talk to their daughter and soothe her by singing to her. Before his husband makes it back, a breakfast tray is brought in by a staff member which Wille takes and brings onto the bed.
“Ah good, breakfast is already here” Simon says, coming back into their room with a happy Ingrid. He smiles as Simon sits back on their bed and places Ingrid on her back in between them.
“Good morning, Min Prinsessa” Wille smiled down at his daughter who was still dressed in her purple onesie
“She was very excited to see her daddy” Simon chuckles while looking over the breakfast tray. He begins by pouring them both coffee, then peeling some oranges and then buttering some toast.
“Wille” Simon speaks while holding a piece of orange to his husband's mouth “You know that I don’t get a piece until you have yours”
This was something that Simon had started to do throughout their relationship. He quickly found out that Wilhelm lost his appetite when he was too anxious or worried, so he had to come up with some solution. The way that he ensured that his partner ate was that he could only take a bite if Wille took a bite. Luckily, Simon had a little help now as Ingrid served as a good distraction for Wille.
“Thank you, my love” Wilhelms' eyes soften and he takes the piece of orange into his mouth.
“Of course” Simon smiles back