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“Gilbert! Wake up!”
Prussia jerked awake, a shout of surprise escaping him when something landed on his face. It didn’t hurt, but it definitely startled him. He sat up. “What the—“
“Get up! Get up get up get up!” Someone jumped onto the bed next to him. “Put your clothes on! Eat breakfast! Come outside! It’s snowing! And why do you have a stuffed panda?”
“Oh…it’s you, __________,” he mumbled, still half asleep. He put his fingers on his temples, trying to comprehend her hyper behavior. Prussia wasn’t a morning person at all, and she’d never woke him up before. Then her words clicked in his head, and he looked up at her with surprise. “Wait, it’s snowing?”
“Yes!” she cheered. She pulled off his bed sheets and tugged on his arm. “Come on, we have to go outside! Hurry up!” She got up and bounded towards the door, and then he noticed she was already bundled in a coat, scarf, hat, gloves, and boots. She disappeared in the hall for a moment, then came rushing back in. “Oh, and”—she bent down to kiss him—“good morning, my love.” She ran out for the last time, all in a matter of seconds.
Prussia watched the door in case __________ were to return again. When she didn’t he obediently got out of bed, tripping and nearly falling over something that was on the floor. It was the knockoff panda toy China tricked him into buying because it was supposed to bring good luck. Though all that good fortune crap turned out to be total bull, he never threw it away. __________ must’ve seen it sitting on the rocking chair next to the door and threw it at his face. He was a heavy sleeper, after all, and he guessed she couldn’t wake him up any other way.
He pulled apart the curtains that covered the window to the right of his bed, seeing for himself the white landscape that now blanketed the backyard. The weatherman seemed to be wrong yet again; there was only supposed to be a twenty percent chance of snow, and only an inch at the most overnight. But there had to be about three inches on the ground and more was still falling. He spotted __________ looking right at him from below, smiling widely. She waved him down, and he felt the corners of his lips turn upward. To see her so happy made his small frustration with her for busting into his house and waking him up disappear.
After he changed into jeans, a red turtleneck, snow boots, and a heavy black coat, he went downstairs and out the back door to greet you. Pulling on the white gloves he had in his coat pocket he said, “Seriously, __________, why do I have to be out here? It’s cold as hell and I’m hungry—“
He was cut off by a snowball hitting him square in the face. Prussia quickly shook off the cold powder and glared at the culprit, who just laughed. “Oh, Gilbert! Your face is priceless right now!” she said.
Prussia narrowed his eyes. Two can play at this game, he thought wickedly, and bent down to pack two handfuls of snow into a rough sphere. But when he stood up, he got hit in the face once again. “Ha!” __________ cried triumphantly. But then her boyfriend of three years made his move. He threw his own ball hard, and it collided with her stomach. He heard the breath leave her, and she crumpled to the ground, falling to her knees.
“Shit! __________! Are you okay?” he cried, running over to her. He bent down and put a hand on her back. “I—I didn’t mean to throw so hard, I swear! God, I’m so sorry.”
There was no response. “__________...?” he called hesitantly. There was another pause. Then, with a loud battle cry she launched herself into Prussia’s gut, sending them both tumbling down the small hill that was inside the fence. She landed on top of him.
“H—Hey!” he said. And once again she interrupted him, this time with a lingering, sweet kiss. For a few heartbeats he could do nothing but stare at her eyelashes, dotted with snowflakes, before he realized he should kiss back. So he did, closing his eyes and wrapping his arms around her, as if shielding her from the snow that fell from the white clouds high overhead.
I have to stop.
“You seriously need to stop scaring me like that,” he admonished around her lips with no real conviction.
She only giggled. “Shut up and kiss me, Gilbert.”
She rose against his chest as he laughed, pulling her just a bit closer to him. He didn’t say a single word.
Why do I keep making this harder than it has to be?
Eventually she got up, offering him her hand. He took it and she helped him up, not letting go. Her smile was so affectionate all he could think to do was kiss her forehead. And that sweet snicker she released made his heart feel as though it would melt.
Why didn’t I stop her sooner? Why didn’t I stop myself sooner?
“Hey, Gilbert.”
Prussia looked into her eyes, those beautiful eyes that always glistened with happiness whenever she saw him. “Yeah?”
How could I be so selfish?
“Remember when we first met, three Decembers ago?”
She doesn’t deserve me.
He nodded. “Of course I do. You moved into the house next to me. I came over to say hi, I offered to take you around town…we stayed out for awhile. A lot longer than I thought we would.”
__________’s smile was so pure, so delightful, he couldn’t hold it in anymore. Now it was her turn to be startled when he pulled her into another tight, almost desperate hug. She gasped quietly. “Gilbert…?”
I don’t deserve her.
“We went all around this side of Berlin and we went to eat at the bar just around the corner. We talked for hours, we drank and watched sports, we did nothing important, nothing special, but I…I…”
She’s too good for me.
__________ seemed to catch on. She put her arms around him and rubbed his back with one hand. “You were so kind and polite to me then, Gilbert. The moment I saw you I thought you were so handsome. And you turned out to be so playful, so funny, so delightful…when you took me home and told me goodnight, I knew then that I wanted you as a boyfriend. But I never thought it’d last this long.” She looked up at him, and he saw the whites of her eyes had gone red. “You’ve always been so good to me, Gilbert. You’ve never done me wrong. I love you. I really, really love you…” she trailed off, blinking back stray tears.
Every day I’ve done you wrong.
Prussia wasn’t sure if he wanted to scream or cry or run. His woe engulfed him, condensing in a lump in his throat. This wasn’t like him. This wasn’t like him at all. He was self-sure to the point of cockiness, so loud he was obnoxious, and he had never been able to know what another person was feeling very well. But somehow she had tamed him in a way he didn’t think even she realized. She made him insecure to the point he’d brush his hair and clean his teeth one extra time whenever they planned to see each other, she was so beautiful she would leave him speechless, and he had learned to read people because of her, because he had never cared so much about how another person felt. He retrained the cry that pushed against his lips and only managed a clipped, “I love you, too.”
But I’m hurting you in so many ways I don’t know if that’s true.
__________ sighed in a content way and stepped out of his grasp. She wiped at her eyes. “Did you know that it snowed that night, too?”
Her soft voice carried him back into the present. He found himself grinning, even though he couldn’t think of a single reason to smile right then. “Yeah. About three inches overnight, and another three during the day.”
I’ve lied too much to deserve your love.
“Just like today,” she agreed. She looked up at the sky, at the silent snowfall that cascaded gracefully and enveloped her in a blissful cold. Prussia noticed that her nose and cheeks had turned rosy, and the hair that poked through her hat had become stringy with damp crystals. “I was so scared to tell you I liked you and that I wanted to go out with you on a real date that night. If I hadn’t been a bit drunk, I probably wouldn’t have.” She laughed softly, her breath billowing out in silver wisps. She sniffed. “And Christmas will be our four year anniversary as a couple. In just two days…”
Prussia simply nodded in agreement, focusing on the here and now.
I wonder how much longer I can keep up the act.
“You know…” He saw her cheeks go redder with blush. “Some of my friends that are happily married,” she said shyly, “only dated their spouses for three or four years.”
His heart skipped a beat. He stared at her intently, but she did not meet his gaze, preferring to look down at her boots. He played those words over and over and over again in his head. He hoped he’d have longer until she mentioned it. He hoped the two of you would have just a bit longer to only live in the present and not ponder a future together more than was necessary. But he couldn’t blame her for such an innocent statement. She was only human, after all.
Now. It has to end now.
His mind told him—no, shrieked to him this, drowning out her desire. If he weren’t him, he would have smiled. He would have run to her, lifted her in the air, spun her around, kissed her, told her, “I’d like that. I’d really, really like that.” And with no doubt he would go to the nearest jewelry store later in the day, purchase the best engagement ring money could buy, and propose on Christmas, on their fourth year anniversary.
I can’t do this to her anymore.
“Gilbert!” __________ squealed in delight as his body moved for him, doing just as he wished he could. But while he could fool her with his joyous smile, he couldn’t fool himself. He felt no merriment, no delight as he set her down and kissed her deeply, and found no will to speak. He wished more than anything that being mute would be enough to deter her. But he knew her better than that.
Prussia held the back of her head with one hand and his other arm encircled her waist. She put her head on his chest and cried quietly, clinging to his coat. Tears left hot streaks on his cold cheeks, yet still felt no warmth.
“I’m so happy right now, Gilbert,” she confessed. “I wish we could stay like this forever; in a world just for us where it snows forever, but we’re never cold because we have each other. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could enclose ourselves in a snow globe and never have to leave?”
In Prussia’s long life, he wasn’t sure his heart had ever broken so painfully before. “It would be perfect,” he choked. He squeezed __________ with all the strength he could muster, body flimsy with guilt. “There could be nothing so perfect for us.”
But reality is not so generous.
“Gilbert…are you crying?” __________ moved away from him and looked into at his face, wide-eyed. He had never cried in front of her before. She sniffed again and rubbed away the snot that had run from her nose with her glove. “D—Don’t do that,” she stammered, “or else I’ll st—start crying h—harder, too!” And she did, wailing with the biggest smile on her face. To Prussia, he hadn’t seen anyone so perfect. He silenced her with a desperate collide of lips to lips, hoping against hope she could see through his eyes and straight into his thoughts, begging her for something even he didn’t know.
Please just stop, __________. You’re making everything so much more difficult. He closed his eyes and wept so hard he couldn’t continue to kiss her. Futilely he screamed in his head for help. For once, Prussia didn’t know what to do. She was tearing him apart in the best way, unknowingly treating his heart as a glass toy she continually broke in her hands. But she was too innocent to know, and he knew it was all his fault, and so he couldn’t bring himself to blame her. If he had put off all her advances they wouldn’t be here. They wouldn’t have to hurt so much later on.
“I’m so happy, Gilbert,” __________ cut in, silencing his torment. She touched his cheek, her eyes glowing with fondness. “I’m so glad I met you.”
He was so startled he stopped crying. It was as if she had read his thoughts. With despairing passion shaking his whole body, he came to a realization. Prussia grit his teeth and cried out, “And I’m so happy I could meet a person as wonderful as you!” He shut his eyes tight and screamed his heart out. “I’ll always love you, __________! I’ll never love anyone as much as I love you! You mean the world to me, and I wouldn’t be able to go on without you! I want to marry you! I want to be with you forever and ever!” He fell to his knees and continued to sob. This wasn’t like him. Not at all. Even with the knowledge of this, he couldn’t bring himself to care enough.
“Gilbert…” His girlfriend, his gorgeous, angle like girlfriend followed him into the snow and took his head in her hands, pulling him to her chest. But he couldn’t look at her. Not with the promise he made that he could never fulfill. She pet his hair softly, sniffling and whispering vows he couldn’t hear.
He knew he wasn’t out of time; there was none to begin with. He had bargained with the devil on her, and what hurt him most was knowing they could never be together, and that he had taken advantage of her ignorance to let him live out his fantasy of mortality. She would crumble to dust and he would stay here, in Berlin with his brother. Unwillingly he would have to leave her alone, and eventually she would be forced to leave existence far before him. There were no other options, for fate does not like to be challenged. When it is, it brings a permanent pain in revenge. He felt that not just then, but the night he found himself too deep in love to escape without a scar.
If only he could spare you from his torment; that had been his only wish for years.
Prussia had lied. He would be able to go without her. He had to. He was not a human. There was no way they could live a full and satisfying life together. But if there was any solace he felt in her arms, it was knowing he had at least been honest about some things, even if more lies were embedded in them. He was happy he would always have memories of her. He would always love her, even when she’d find the strength to move on. He did want to marry her, oh, how he wanted to marry her…but he never could. He wished he would never have to explain why.
He’d hurt __________ in ways so selfish he was ashamed he considered not telling her at all. She deserved to know that he was not just Gilbert, because she was bound too tight to his heart and he was bound too tight to hers.
But not now, he thought, watching the snow fall from the gap between her arm and the ground. Right now, all I want is to cherish this moment. With every day it’ll be harder to tell her the truth, but for now, just for now…
“Hey, __________. Let’s pretend we’re in a snow globe.”