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Jay can't remember the last time he had the muffins that Alex's mother used to make. It’s been so long, he missed it so much. They were always hot and had the best blueberries in them with sugar on top. Always that same, every time.
When him and Alex were kids, Jay would stay over on rainy days. Him and Alex would splash around in puddles and bike down the empty roads until their clothes were soaked through and they were shivering cold. At that point they would go inside, get dried off and changed so that they could sit down with warm food and play games or talk. Alex’s mother would always send him home with those muffins, and he always ate them all throughout the week.
It had been hard to really eat a whole meal for Jay for a few weeks now. He was trying to get better. Tim cooked more than Jay ever could try and do, something to fill up time he mused.
Jay looked in the mirror, he had gotten comfortable enough to forgo a shirt in the house. He ran his hand down along the scar near his hip bones. The bones stuck out a lot less now, it was nice to not be as skinny as he used to be. He was less cold all the time too. He traced the scar tissue, some days it still hurt like he had just gotten shot all over again. Days like those he needed help out of bed, he was glad today wasn't a bad day. It was all just okay. Just an okay day. The best he could hope for with his pain right now.
He sighed, tossing a shirt over the mirror and putting on a warm sweater as he got up and out of bed. His clock said it was almost 10 AM and the spot that was next to him in bed was cold. Tim was either outside smoking and stretching or inside cleaning or lounging around. Walking into the living room revealed it was the former, with no one in sight in the house right now besides himself. He sat down on the couch, trying to steady himself. His chest hurt with emotion.
He didn't really know why or when he started crying, but he was. Cold salty tears rolled down his cheeks and neck. Jay didn't do anything to stop it from happening. He had gotten a lot better at letting himself cry.
He missed Alex, the real Alex. He missed his friends and he mourned for his college life and how much of his life he had misses and how far everything had veered off the edge and fuck man he just wanted some damn warm food made with love and to be able to play games with Alex again. To be stupid and silly and go ride bikes down roads that never had cars on them. His chest felt tight and everything was a little blurry.
The sliding glass door opened, letting in a chill and all the outside noises of the day as Tim stepped back inside.
“Morning bluejay”
“Morning…”
They both stayed still for a second before Tim slipped off his shoes and sat down next to Jay.
“Whatcha thinking about now”
Tim rubbed soothing circles into Jay’s back as Jay wiped the wetness off his face and neck.
“Alex…”
“What about Alex?”
Jay didn't answer, choosing instead to lay forward against Tim’s chest, his cheek squishing into Tim’s shoulder.
“It’s alright, you're okay”
Jay hummed in response. If this was back then Alex would get out his card games and try to distract Jay from whatever he was so sad about, making stupid jokes until Jay laughed and just like that everything would feel better and they would go play outside.
“His mom made these really good blueberry muffins”
“Yeah” Tim continues rubbing Jay’s back and trying to get him to speak a little more, get it off his chest so Jay would feel better.
“Mhm… always very warm.. sugar on tap and- and she-”
Jay started crying again, and Tim let him stay where he was, pulling him closer and gently shushing him.
“Shhhh, hey it's okay Jay, shhh, it's okay, shhh honey, shh babybird”
Jay cried until he couldn't anymore, teeth numb and face in pain. He sat with Tim until the sky clouded over and it started raining. The early spring weather had brought them plenty of afternoon showers that they both took full advantage of to take naps and cuddle up together and really do nothing but lounge around.
“You wanna go back to your room jaybird?”
Jay nodded and in turn got picked up by very strong big arms which made him laugh, pressing his forehead against Tim’s.
“You're so strong timtam”
“having a physical job does that to a person jaybird”
They both giggled, Tim's set Jay down and brought the covers over him, stepping back to pick up some of the laundry on the floor and put in the hamper as Jay snuggled into their bed. He took the shirt off the mirror, recognizing it as Jay’s.
“Hey what’s this about?”
Jay sat up a bit to see Tim holding his shirt up and pointing at the mirror.
“Didn't wanna look at it”
“At what”
“I dunno… me I guess. Weird morning”
Tim sighed, tossing the shirt into the basket as he Got into bed next to Jay.
“I like this sweater on you, it looks good.”
“It's comfy”
“That's good”
Tim wrapped his arms around Jay’s midsection, resting his chin on top of Jay’s head.
“We should get a cat”
“Should we now Jay?”
“Yeah, maybe next year. Could be nice”
“We can talk about to later, go to bed silly”
Tim pressed a kiss into Jay’s hair and Jay hummed with satisfaction, stretching out a little before speaking.
“We could get two cats, Egg and Toast”
“You're gonna name our cats Egg and Toast”
“Yep.”
Jay yawned and Tim huffed out a quiet laugh. Jay snuggled up under the blanket and let the sound of rain outside jutting the window lull him into a warm comfortable sleep.
Once Jay’s breathing evened out and he stopped moving around Tim got up, taking extra care to be slow and deliberate and it so Jay would stay asleep. He stood on their carpet and tucked their blankets back over Jay.
“You look so much better than back then…”
Tim spoke out loud to himself, watching the gentle rise and fall of Jay’s chest, looking over him. His cheeks weren't so hollowed out, and his stomach didn't sink in anymore to the point where his rib and hip bones stuck out in sharp uncomfortable angles. Tim knew he himself was doing a lot better, but seeing his partner also do better alongside him was a completely different good happy feeling.
Tim grabbed his keys from the hooks they had installed by the door a while ago, the whiteboard above it full of little notes and their grocery list put up with a magnet in the shape of a camera.
Tim took the list and put it in his pocket as he got into his car, turning the heat up a bit as he pulled out of the driveway and went off to the grocery store nearby.
Now, Tim wasn't Alex’s mother level of muffin mastery, but he could try.
Going to the store was a calming thing to do these days, the local one was never crowded and Tim relished in being able to walk around and talk to himself as he needed and not get judged. There were no more than a few workers today on this lovely rainy late Sunday afternoon.
He went down the isles, getting what he needed and crossing it off his list as he went along.
He ended up stopping by the pet aisle, looking everything up and down from toys to food. Maybe they should get a cat. A little critter to take care of and keep them company. They certainly had it in their budget now that they both had steady jobs with Tim working outside and Jay working from home. It would be nice. He made a mental note to check out how adopting a cat even worked later.
He managed to find everything and get to the registers, a little anxious now. He didn't want Jay to wake up and be alone in the house or to stay out any longer than he really had to be.
“Your total is $50.48”
Tim grabbed his wallet and took out his card. It felt a bit strange that he could afford all this. It had been around two years since they settled down and now they could afford to have groceries and eat out every now and again for little dates and maybe even a cat or two in their future.
He paid and took the bags back to his car, everything going in the backseat besides the bread, which got a spot safe on the passenger seat because Tim just hated bread being smushed. It bothered him in a way he could afford to be bothered by now.
Pulling up into their driveway, the rain had settled down just a bit, now lightly drizzling. A light mist covered the area. The wetness didn't really bother him but he hated when it got humid, as it often did. At least today it was cooler outside than usual.
Tim parked the car in the garage and took his groceries inside, placing everything down on the counter.
A while back, when they had furnished the house after mothers of trying to heal enough to feel safe in staying here, Tim put a bookshelf in the kitchen and never bothered to move it. It came in pretty handy, holding a few cookbooks but mostly knickknacks and games.
Tim took the baking book down, it had cutesy little cupcakes on the cover. Tim had always liked baked goods but he was never quite a fan of the super sugary ones with lots of frosting. The ones on the cover looked like something for a kids birthday party. It made him pause for a moment. Him and Jay had never really talked about it, but Tim could see them having a kid living in this house. Their guest room turned into a real bedroom, fun birthday parties with balloons and streamers covering their kitchen and living room. An extra set of keys by the door. Sitting down at a table to help with math he hadn't done since high school. Him and Jay had that kind of choice now. The freedom was exciting, calming even.
He flipped through the book for a while until he found a recipe for blueberry muffins. He knew he had everything already, seeing as they always tried to keep a decently stocked kitchen. The years of not having access to stable income to get groceries and not being able to have a place to store food for a long time fueling that decision. Plus going grocery shopping together was a nice way for them both to get out, be together, get something done, without too much stress.
Tim got started on the muffins, working slowly, taking his time. He didn't see Jay when he got home so he knew Jay was still asleep.
As he worked he put on some warm quiet music, letting it work in harmony with the rain outside on the windows. Everything felt right.
Their oven was a little finicky but that was okay. He had time now. Him and Jay had time to take things slow.
He popped open the plastic tin of fresh blueberries, gently guiding them to the muffin batter, taking a few for himself to eat as he baked.
Once those were mixed to his satisfaction, he got out the nice muffin tin he had gotten a few months ago. The paper lining he had got at the store was blue. A nice dark blue too. He liked it.
He gently spooned the batter into the cups of the tin, popping them into the over and setting a timer for 20 minutes. As it baked he went to sit on the couch, letting the TV play whatever as he read his book.
Jay stumbled out of their room and into the kitchen, greeted by the sound of beeping.
“Tim what's that noise for?”
“The oven- hold on-”
“You made dinner?”
“eh- kinda?” Tim shrugged, putting on oven mits as Jay sat at the table.
“Kinda? What's that supposed to mean?”
“Muffins bird boy”
Jay’s entire face lit up with absolute joy as he saw Tim pull out a piping hot muffin tin.
“R- really?”
“Yep, just for you Jaybird.”
Jay felt like crying again, he almost burned his hand trying to get a muffin.
“Fuck- ouch”
“Jay don't be stupid”
“Shut up”
They laughed together as Jay bit down into the muffin, sinking his teeth into the very juicy and hot blueberries that were waiting for him inside the fluffy sweet cake of the muffin.
“Thank you Tim..” Now Jay really was crying. He had needed something like this for a long time.
“Awww Jaaay” Tim sighed sweetly, wrapping Jay up in a hug once more. “Let's go watch a show or something”
They sat on their couch together, letting their TV play as they cuddled and Jay got messy with blueberries.
“I love you Tim”
Tim pressed a chaste kiss to Jay's cheek.
“Love you too Jay”