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Kakashi wasn't a bit surprised to hear a knock on his door at around 4:30 that evening. He didn't even have to look up to know who it was.
He usually made up an excuse that he had things to do or sometimes he wouldn't come to the door at all.
This time was different though. Despite his better judgement, he got up and looked through the window to see Iruka standing there with a concerned look on his face. Kakashi cursed himself under his breath but ended up opening the door.
"Hey .." Iruka jumped a bit, clearly not expecting to get a response from him which Kakashi understood because the last three times he showed up, Kakashi didn't answer the door.
"Can I help you?" He tried to keep the annoyance out of his voice as he opened the door all the way; but he could see on Iruka's face that he'd picked up on his annoyance.
"I've been-" he stopped himself. "we've been worried about you."
"Why?" Kakashi stepped aside to allow Iruka to step into his house, which he gratefully did. He stood on the rug and took his shoes off but didn't otherwise move away from the door. He looked past Iruka at the dark clouds forming. He'd heard it was supposed to storm pretty badly that night.
"You've been so isolated lately. You never leave your house anymore unless you're going on a mission." Iruka looked as uncomfortable as Kakashi felt at the moment with what he was about to say. "I don't know exactly what happened during the war...to you...but you've-"
"I've been through worse." His body tensed up at the mention of the war. "And I do leave the house. You just don't see me."
They both knew it was a lie but Kakashi didn't want to talk about it. It was no one's business except his own and he wasn't ready to share it.
"Look...I'm not trying to pry. If you don't want to talk about it then don't. I won't force you. But you can't keep doing this. You can't live like this. I know it has to be miserable for you to isolate like this." Iruka finally took a few steps forward into Kakashi's house. "You know we're all here for you."
It took Kakashi a minute to process what he said. He stared at the door behind Iruka at the sky, unsure of what to say. How was he supposed to respond to that. Iruka didn't know what it was like. Of course he'd lost people too but nothing like this. Most people didn't lose a friend when they were a teenager only to find out said friend was alive and out to kill them over a misunderstanding. Even thinking about it was something he tried to avoid.
"Hey...are you even listening to me?" He said after an uncomfortable minute of silence that Kakashi didn't realize had passed.
"Look...I appreciate you checking up on me but I'm fine. I'm just...I'm really busy so if you'll excuse me-"
"Don't do this." Iruka closed the door behind him. "If you want me to leave then fine. But at least let me talk to you."
Frustration began to rise in Kakashi. He couldn't do this. Not now. He wasn't a child who needed someone to look out for him. He was the Copy Ninja, son of the White Fang, not some brat that needed to be doted on. He knew it was coming from a place of good intentions but talking about it wouldn't bring Obito, Rin, Minato, or anyone else back. "Don't do what?" He sat down on the couch in front of his TV that was still playing some random game show he was watching but long since stopped paying attention to.
"Don't push everyone away." Iruka's voice was soft enough and warm as if he were talking to one of his students. "like I said, I won't pry you for information. I just want to check up on you. I'm your friend."
Friend.
Obito was his friend. A friend who he has grieved not once but twice, only to realize he'd been alive all this time. And wanted him dead. Even though they made amends, it still hurt like hell to think about.
And Guy. Guy was his friend too. A friend who was willing to lay his life down to protect the village. If it weren't for Naruto, he would have been dead too.
Iruka sat down across from him on the couch turned towards Kakashi, who wanted nothing more than to leave this conversation.
"I'm fine." Kakashi hated how his voice sounded. He also hated how Iruka's mere presence was enough to make him feel so...comforted? At ease? But at the same time his presence was stressing him out.
He wasn't sure how to describe it.
"Kakashi."
Kakashi sighed in frustration. "Okay. I'm not fine. I can't go one night without nightmares and I have flashbacks of the war every fucking day." He turned and closed his eyes so he wouldn't have to see the pity etched onto the younger man's face. He despised when people took pity on him. He wasn't some pitiful depressed man like everyone thought he was dammit.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Iruka sat up straighter when he realized he was beginning to get through Kakashi's stubbornness.
No.
Yes.
Part of him wanted to say fuck it and get it off his chest even though he doubted it would help.
The other part of him knew he wasn't likely to be able to keep himself together if he did.
When he visited Guy there were a couple times he had to come up with an excuse to leave because he'd gotten too choked up. Especially after he found out that Guy would never walk again. He blamed himself for that even though Guy did not.
He opened his eyes when a gentle hand was placed on his shoulder. It wasn't pressing, but instead supportive. He hadn't been touched in so long aside from someone trying to hurt him.
Kakashi stopped himself from leaning into the touch. He couldn't do this. His heart began to race and he began to panic.
"I can't." Kakashi moved away from the hand on his shoulder and stood up. "I'm sorry."
"I understand." Iruka had that pure- albeit sad- smile on his face. The one that made Kakashi's heart flutter to see it.
Iruka was about to say something else but was interrupted by thunder loud enough that it made the windows rattle. He groaned in annoyance. "I didn't know it was going to rain this early."
Now Kakashi was really beginning to panic. Iruka had already pried more out of him than he had intended. Now it was raining so it's not like he could just ask him to leave. Even though he wasn't sure he even wanted him to anymore. This was so confusing. "You're welcome to wait the storm out here."
Kakashi was a bit surprised at how fast he said that. Iruka seemed surprised too as if he wasn't expecting it.
"Are you sure?" Iruka stood back up off the couch. "If you really don't want me here I will go."
"Yeah, I'm sure." He peeked through the curtains at the now pouring down rain that was turning his yard into a muddy mess. "Can I get you a cup of tea?"
Iruka enthusiastically nodded. "Please."
He followed Kakashi to his kitchen and sat in one of his chairs. It wasn't his first time being there- he just felt weird being alone in someone else's house. Kakashi barely had any decorations at all. He had a few pictures on his walls but that was really it. Iruka couldn't help the smile that spread across his face when he noticed the one of Kakashi with team 7. They'd all changed so much since then.
"Are you hungry?" Kakashi asked as he began brewing them both a cup of tea. It smelled like chamomile.
"No, thanks though." He took the cup that Kakashi handed him after it was and sat it down on a coaster. "I noticed your picture of you with team 7."
For the first time since Iruka had arrived, he allowed himself to smile. "Yeah, seems like yesterday but it also seems like forever at the same time." Iruka took another sip of his tea before sitting it back down and glancing at Kakashi across from him."I know you said that you don't want to talk about it...but you mentioned nightmares."
Kakashi tensed up again and almost choked on his tea, not expecting it to be brought back up. "Correct. I don't."
"But have you thought about just...going to someone? Like a therapist or-"
A flash of lightning lit up the room, followed by a huge boom of thunder. They both jumped at how sudden it was.
"I...no. Not really." He took another sip of his tea as well before ultimately downing the rest of it. "like I said before, I've been through worse. I know you're looking out for me and I know you're trying to help but I don't need it."
"Remember what you told me earlier? Remember when you told me about the nightmares and the flashbacks? Have you dealt with that before?"
Kakashi hated himself in that moment for mentioning that. He hated opening up about his feelings to anyone. It felt...wrong. Like the world shouldn't know that the former Kakashi of the Sharingan had emotions.
He stared down at his now empty cup of tea in his hands. "Yes."
"What did you do about it before?"
"I waited. I just had to endure it until...well sometimes I would drink. I would get so blackout drunk that I would pass out. Other times I would just have to hope I didn't have them so bad.
Iruka picked up a sugar cube off of the table and dropped it into his tea, stirring it before taking another sip of it. "How long did it take?"
"I don't remember."
A lie. It took years for him to stop waking up and running to the bathroom, trying to wash Rin's blood off his hands. Even more than a decade later he still had that same nightmare but he wasn't about to admit that out loud. Iruka had already pried more out of Kakashi than he was expecting. He had his way of doing that with anyone.
It was one of the things Kakashi loved most about him.
After Iruka finished his tea, they just sat there. Neither of them knew what to say. It was getting awkward. The only sounds that filled the room were sounds of rain splashing on Kakashi's tin roof.
"Do you want to watch a movie?" Kakashi finally asked.
"Yeah, sounds good. Doesn't look like it's going to stop raining anytime soon."
"You can go through my movies and pick out something. I'm going to make some popcorn if you want some."
"I'm not too hungry but I'll share some with you."
While the popcorn was in the microwave, Kakashi looked out the window to his back yard. It was still raining. Not as hard as before but still. He'd always liked watching it rain when he was a kid. Him and his dad would watch a storm blow in or sit outside while it rained. He had secretly imagined himself and Iurka watching it rain before but he would keep that to himself.
He sat down on the couch and sat the bowl on the coffee table in front of his couch. Iruka had picked out an old action movie that he got when he was a kid. He wasn't sure if he even remembered what it was about.
Iruka scooted closer to him so they could easily share the popcorn. This was almost perfect.
Half an hour into the movie and Kakashi has begun to doze off. He would try to wake himself up every time but it was getting harder and harder. One of the side effects of nightmares was he didn't sleep as much as he should.
"You okay?" Iruka asked when he noticed Kakashi kept slumping over then jerking.
"Yeah...I just didn't sleep good last night." He glanced at the clock. It was only 6, meaning Iruka had only been there for almost 2 hours. He wasn't used to having people over for that long.
"Do you want me to go so you can get a nap in?"
Kakashi felt his heart drop at the thought of Iruka leaving. One minute he was hoping for him to leave and the next he was wanting him to say. It was so confusing even to him. He couldn't imagine trying to explain it to anyone.
"No, it's still storming outside. I'm okay...just...I'll be right back."
He left Iruka alone in the living room to continue watching the movie while he went to the bathroom to splash water on his face. His reflection stared back at him, looking tired and defeated. Even with his mask on it was still obvious. No wonder Iruka kept giving him pitying looks.
He came back to see that Iruka had paused the movie for him despite the fact he wasn't really paying attention and hadn't been for a while. "Everything alright?"
"Yeah just trying to wake myself up a bit."
It didn't work because 15 minutes later and he was dozing again. This time he couldn't prevent himself from falling asleep.
He woke up still on the couch but Iruka wasn't beside him anymore. Glancing at the clock, he realized it was 10:00. He must've went home in the storm. Or maybe he was still there. "Iruka?"
There wasn't a response. He got up off the couch and headed to his bedroom to see if maybe he was there asleep. When he entered the room it was pitch black. He took a few steps forward to turn the light on but tripped over something hard enough that he fell. Luckily his room had carpet so it didn't hurt.
"Shit." He mumbled before standing back up and going to turn the light on. But he stopped. Kakashi never left things lying in the floor like that. Especially not things that could be a tripping hazard. He sat there frozen, afraid of seeing what it was that caused him to fall. 'Don't be ridiculous. It's probably nothing.' Kakashi told himself. He turned the light on and turned to see what was lying in the floor. When he did, his entire body went cold. He was frozen. He tripped over Iruka.
He was lying face down and he wasn't moving.
"Hey..." He dropped to his knees shook Iruka gently. "wake up."
His body was limp and cold. Kakashi rolled him onto his back. His eyes were clouded over and staring at nothing.
"Iruka!!!" Tears filled his eyes. "Fuck...what the fuck do I do?? What the fuck happened??" Kakashi's body was wracked with sobs as he tried in vain to wake him up. The entire room shook around him.
"Kakashi?" He opened his eyes and looked around. The voice sounded like Iruka but it couldn't have been him.
Kakashi looked at Iruka. It was his voice but he clearly wasn't speaking.
"Kakashi!"
His eyes snapped open and he jerked forward violently. It was a dream. "Where am I-" he trailed off when he saw Iruka with a very concerned look plastered on his face, kneeling in front of Kakashi. "what's going on?"
He noticed the TV had been turned off and Iruka had draped a blanket over him while he slept that had ended up tossed off of him.
"You nearly gave me a heart attack. You were yelling my name in your sleep."
Kakashi stared at him, mouth agape. He was alive...it was just a dream. "How...long was I out?"
"Maybe an hour or so." He sat down on the coffee table, moving aside the now empty popcorn bowl. "Kakashi...you need to talk to me. Tell me what happened."
"Nothing. I don't remember." He avoided Iruka's gaze. He couldn't do this. Not now.
"Yes you do. Why were you yelling my name?"
Kakashi froze, feeling a knot form in his throat. His eyes began to burn.
"Kakashi."
"I have to go to the bathroom." Was all he could manage to say. He stood up hastily and left Iruka there sitting on his coffee table still.
He closed the bathroom door behind him and sat down on the rug in front of his sink. He was completely mortified that Iruka had witnessed that.
He couldn't get close to anyone ever again because be knew how it would end. Kakashi pulled his knees up to his chest and rested his head on them.
A soft knock on the door made him jump. "Can I come in please?"
He gave himself a few seconds to take some deep breaths and compose himself before facing his friend. He opened the door and was immediately pulled into a tight embrace.
"Stop. Please. Let me go." Kakashi's voice cracked but he made no actual effort to fight off the man who was now hugging him.
"Iruka please."
"Stop fighting me. Just let me help you."
"I don't fucking need your help." His voice broke again. This time he tried in vain to squirm out of Iruka's arms but he refused to let go. So he relented. Iruka's arms around him made him feel safe. Something it took him forever to realize. He hadn't been touched like that in forever. The only time anyone touched him was to hurt him. This gentleness... affection. It felt foreign.
"It's going to be okay." Iruka whispered to him while he held him.
Something in Kakashi snapped and he pulled away rougher than he intended. If he let Iruka comfort him...if he let him in his life then he would end up like everyone else. "Stop fucking saying that! I'm tired of hearing people tell me that! It's bullshit. All of it! You tell me all this and you make me...feel my feelings...then you'll turn around and die on me." He took a deep breath when he realized he was nearly hyperventilating. "I can't go through that again. I can't." The last part came out in barely a whisper.
"Kakashi...what are you talking about?"
"My dad, my sensei, my comrades, everyone." Tears welled up in his eyes so he looked away.
"That's not true. You still have Guy." Iruka stepped closer to him again and this time Kakashi couldn't fight him. "you still have me." He rested a hand on Kakashi's masked cheek. "I'm not going to leave you. There's something I've been wanting to tell you forever now." Iruka met Kakashi's eyes with a tearful smile. "I'm in love with you. I have been for...forever now."
"Why?" A few tears made their way down his face, soaking into his mask.
"Because you're you." Iruka grabbed Kakashi's hands. "You've suffered more than almost anyone I know but yet you're still kind. You're amazing. Even if you don't realize it."
A warm hand cupped his cheek and he leaned into it.
"I love you."
This time it was Kakashi's turn. He stepped forward and hugged Iruka tightly as if he were going to fall off the face of the earth. He sobbed into Iruka's shoulder while he whispered soothing words to him and rubbed his back.
"It's okay. Just let it out."
"It hurts. It fucking hurts." Kakashi continued to sob, tears soaking through Iruka's shirt. "I'm so scared of losing anyone else. That's why I pushed you away."
"I'm so proud of you." Iruka whispered as he finally pulled back to properly look Kakashi in the eyes with a hand resting on his damp cheek. "Doesn't it feel good to get that off your chest?"
Kakashi said nothing only nodded. He closed his eyes and let Iruka caress his face and his hair.
Iruka's hand started to migrate a bit lower on Kakashi's face until it rested on the top of his mask. It was damp from his tears.
When there was no hesitation, he pulled it down under Kakashi's chin. He'd seen his face before, in fact, it wasn't that uncommon of an occurrence to see his face considering all the times they'd eaten together.
He never quite understood why he wore the mask but ultimately decided against asking about it.
"You have no idea how long I've...wanted this."
Iruka was surprised to hear him finally speak. His voice was still wet.
"Neither do you."
He stepped forward and pressed his lips softly against Kakashi's.
Kakashi instantly returned the gesture, wrapping his arms around Iruka's waist. He didn't want to ever let go. When the kiss ended, he laid his head on the shoulder that wasn't wet with his tears. "Thank you." He whispered.
"Of course."
It thundered outside again, lighting up the room with a flash of lightning that followed.
"Looks like it's gonna do this all night." Iruka sighed and stifled a yawn. "I didn't sleep well last night either."
Kakashi glanced at his bedroom. "you can stay here tonight." His ears turned red at what else he could mean by that. "I mean so you don't have to walk back home in the storm."
"Well I don't really have anything to wear..." Now it was Iruka's turn to be embarrassed. "Are you sure? I don't want to bother you."
"No, it's fine. I'll sleep on the couch and you can have the bed."
"I'm really fine with walking home in the rain..I really hate to stay since you didn't even want me here in the first place."
"Well that was then. If I really didn't want you here, I wouldn't offer." Kakashi turned the bedroom light on and came back with a spare old T-shirt and a pair of blue sweatpants. "they're old..a bit small on me. So they should be perfect for you."
Iruka took them with a smile. He stepped forward and kissed Kakashi on the cheek, tasting salt from his tears. "Thank you."
After he'd showered and brushed his teeth, Kakashi sat on the bed with Iruka. He'd found the photo album Kakashi kept beside his bed and flipped through it.
"That's your mom?" He asked when he found an old family picture.
"Yeah...I was 2 when she died." Kakashi stared at the picture of his mom. She wasn't a ninja like he and his dad. She had extremely long hair like Kushina with light green eyes and a beauty mark on her chin like his. He vaguely remembered his dad telling him that he met her on some kind of mission. She was a villager that he had saved.
"Hang on..." Iruka held the picture up beside Kakashi. "pull your mask down." After looking for a few seconds, he put it back down. "I think you resemble her more than your dad. Minus the hair."
"Do you have a picture of your parents with you?" Kakashi asked.
He shook his head. "No, not on me but I looked a lot like my dad."
"I remember them vaguely."
"So what happened to your mom?"
"I..." Kakashi paused to think. His dad never really told him and he never asked. "I think she was sick. Judging from what my dad implied. He mentioned her not having much longer to live when I was 1."
They sat on Kakashi's bed for another hour, talking about anything and everything. They laughed, kissed, and just enjoyed each other's company. Finally Iruka had enough. He yawned. "I think I'm about to pass out."
"Yeah me too." He laid down, facing Iruka. "Thank you for everything. I love you."
"I love you too Kashi." Iruka leaned in for one more kiss before they embraced and fell asleep in each other's arms with the sound of the rain filling the room. For the first time in weeks Kakashi slept throughout the night without any nightmares.