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“Yell-O Boss, what’s shaking?”
When Ted actually answered Rebecca’s call it took her a moment to react. She had expected to leave another voice mail and then follow up with an unanswered text or email.
“Ted, so lovely to hear your voice. Do you have a moment?” Rebecca certainly needed a moment herself. It had been so long since Ted actually answered the phone that she didn't quite know where to begin.
“Yeah Boss, I have a few minutes. Just waiting in the school pickup line for Henry. Around here you have to claim a spot 20 minutes before the bell rings.”
“Well, I was just calling again to see if you might want to RSVP to the Benefit for Underprivileged Children. We would all love to see you. I don’t know if you read the email I sent with the details about the event, but we are changing up the format this year.”
“I do appreciate that you are moving away from the date auction. I didn’t want to rock the boat, but I’m not sure how comfortable the players were with being sold, even if it was for charity.”
“Yes, that was made clear to me during the planning process for this year’s event. To be honest, I never really liked it or it’s implications. I am excited to see how the new format goes over and honestly Ted, we would all love to see you.”
“Well, Boss, if you can keep a secret, I am considering it.”
After a beat, Rebecca finally replied “I am so happy to hear that. My jet is ready the moment you decide to come as long as you promise not to tell Nora. Keeley would love to find an outfit for you, to fit the theme.”
“Oh, don’t bother Keeley with all that. I’m sure she’d love to play Fairy Godmother, but I do know how to dress myself when the occasion warrants it. I’ll let you know. Oh, there’s Henry now, I’ve gotta go Boss, talk soon.”
Rebecca marked his RSVP as accepted, but kept it to herself. Best not to raise hopes by letting anyone know about their conversation.
———
Rebecca had sent the email telling him all about the new plans for the gala back in October, ending with a plea for him to consider attending. He never responded, but he did bring it up with his new therapist a few weeks later. Doc Brown (and boy did he get a kick out of that name when he booked his first appointment), asked if he wanted to go.
“Well, Doc, I’m feeling real conflicted about it. Coming back here, I tried to make a clean break of it, treat it like any other job I’ve moved on from. I’ve been part of a lot of teams, part of the life when you’re moving up the coaching ranks. I used to try to stay in touch but people move on once you leave and you have new people to get to know. Everyone I’ve ever worked with is still special to me, but liking a post on Facebook isn’t quite the same as seeing them everyday.
The Diamond Dogs have a group chat, but between the time difference and the distance, I feel like I’m on the outside looking in. I’m not in on the in-jokes anymore.”
Doc Brown leaned back in his chair, and gave Ted a searching look, “Do you still read it?”
“I do, part of my morning routine.”
“And why do you think that is? You could just ignore it.”
“I tried leaving a few times, but someone always adds me back in. It would be rude to ignore them totally.” Ted sat for a moment, looking around the room. “I was… I am…lonely. Even if I’m not there, it feels nice to be a part of something, to be wanted. They’re still my team and I care about them. I don’t have a new team here, just Henry and Michelle, and it’s not fair to them to make them my everything.”
“You could find a new team, Ted.”
“I know that. I’ve had offers, but I moved back here to be close to Henry and taking a job out of state would defeat the point. I might was well move back to Richmond if I leave Kansas.”
“It’s interesting you see it that way. Do you want to go back?”
Ted paused a moment before he answered. “I wasn’t in the best place while I was there and thanks to the work we’ve done the past few months I can recognize that my positivity was more toxic than helpful. I think, no I know, I hurt people while I was there, good people. I was so focused on keeping up appearances, especially after my mental health became a topic of water cooler discussion, that I closed myself off. I was going through the motions and I didn’t have the energy for anything else.
I know they don’t understand why I had to leave when I did, because I didn’t let anyone understand. But being cheerful Coach Ted Lasso, with his anecdotes and puns and pop culture references and enthusiasm was wearing me down. I was becoming a caricature of myself. Sassy called it when she told me I was a mess, even though that hurt at the time.”
“And do you still feel like a mess, Ted?”
Ted sat with the question for a moment, resisting the urge to make a joke. He knows the Doc would call him on it if he tried to deflect, so he really thinks about it.
“My friend Trent once said that he didn’t think people changed, they just learned to accept who they’ve always been. I’ve thought a lot about that as we’ve been talking and I think that’s true.
The thing is, I spent so many years trying to be the Ted Lasso that I thought people wanted that I avoided thinking about who I was, what I wanted. It didn’t feel important. These past few months, talking to you and journaling and not working, not having to perform all the time, well, I think I’m starting to figure out who I am and what I want.”
“That’s good, Ted. I hope you feel proud of the progress you’ve made. Now, Trent was the one who wrote a book about you, correct?” Doc Brown noted Ted’s nod and continued “Have you read it yet?”
Ted leaned back on the couch and ran his hand through his hair. “Not yet, Doc. To be honest, I’m kinda scared to read it. Trent’s a very observant guy, and there was lot I was trying to hide when he was around. I know it’s silly, the book is out in the world and lots of people have read it.”
“As we are almost out of time for today, I’m going to give you your homework. Read the book, Ted.”