Chapter Text
TORONTO, CANADA
SOMETIME AFTER THE EVENTS OF SCOTT PILGRIM TAKES OFF
“Ha! Scott Pilgrim! It is I—”
“‘Matthew Patel,’” Scott droned, poking his head through the crack in the door. “‘Here to defeat you once and for all’; or something like that?”
Matthew blinked, his hand hovering in the air mid-point. His Demon Girls flanked him, decked in various forms of casual attire. “Actually, no. I’ve… moved past that. If you’d like to spar, I’d love to. Another day.” Under his breath, he added, “When you won’t kick my ass.”
“Oh. Sure, I guess.” Scott blinked back. “What's up, then?”
A wide grin split open across Matthew's face. “I am here to take Ramona from you.”
“...oh!” Scott nodded, recognition in his eyes. “It's already the 13th?”
Matthew crossed his arms, baring his teeth. “Indeed! …unless my Tarot-A-Day calendar was incorrect, in which case I would need to have words with Gordon. Again. It was his publishing company that produced it, after all, not to mention his electronic-commerce platform.”
TORONTO, CANADA
.02 SECONDS AFTER THE PREVIOUS SCENE
“He still doesn’t realize he’s the only one getting the f***ed up merch?”
“Nope. Oh, and I asked the warehouse to divert his makeup order to California, so he’ll have to call customs to get it later.”
“ God , I love you, Julie.”
“Right back f***in’ atcha, Gordon. Now get this table cleared, we’ve got twenty minutes, and I am not explaining to Ramona why you have robots on the table.”
“Aw, but I’m not done building the Burning Gundam yet!”
“It will be burning in a trash fire pretty f***ing soon if you don’t hurry up!”
“Ma’am, yes ma’am!”
TORONTO, CANADA
.03 SECONDS AFTER THE FIRST SCENE
Scott pulled his head back in, unlocking the door and opening it completely. He stepped aside as Matthew and the demons strolled in. “You all want a snack? Drinks?”
“That would be lovely!”
“I’ll take a hot chocolate.”
“Don’t skimp on the marshmallows.”
“Got any chips?”
As the demons made their way to the kitchen, Scott called out, “All yours! Just be sure to close the cabinets when you're done and thank Ramona later!”
“Kaaaay!”
Scott stuffed his hands in his pockets, making his way to Ramona’s couch. “So, how’s the new show been?” he asked, flopping onto the cushions like a puppet cut from its strings.
“Great! Better than great, even— spec tacular! ” Matthew snapped his fingers, and a copy of The Torontowood Reporter popped into existence before him, flipping open to a bright, shiny advertisement. Scott still wasn’t sure how he felt about his face being known nation-wide, but the beaming smile on Matthew’s face was reason enough to never bring it up. “Scott Pilgrim: The Interactive Experience has been selling out for weeks. That’s more than even the musical!”
“Wow!” Scott marveled. “All two hundred seats, every night?”
“And standing room!” Matthew laughed mirthfully. “All thanks to the advent of… ‘audience participation,’” he breathed, making quotes in the air. “And here I thought theater was for the actors alone. What a fool I was. Who would have guessed this would be such a game-changer?”
There was a pause. Scott glanced up from his cushiony prison. “You'd have. Otherwise, it wouldn’t have been successful.”
“Exactly!” Matthew lowered the newspaper, a sheepish grin on his face. “I, uh, hope the royalties have been enough to make up for the whole ruining-your-performance thing.”
“Oh, yeah, it’s been great.” Scott leaned in, eyes gleaming. “I’ve been able to invest in stock! With Nintendo! ”
“Really?” Matthew raised an eyebrow. “That’s the video game company, yes?”
“Yep! They released this thing called the Wii; everyone loves it. I bet the next console they make will be even better!” Scott dug through the couch cushions, pulling up a remote control and… some sort of circular divot with a cord attached to the bottom. “Wanna give it a shot?”
“I’ll take you up on that at a later juncture, Pilgrim,” Matt replied, glancing to the nearby stairs. “I believe it is time I take Ramona off your hands.”
“Honestly,” Ramona called down from the upper landing, “You can join in too, Scott. I thought you’d be all over something like this.”
“Maybe some other time?” Scott sat upright, pressing the power button on his remote repeatedly, frowning down at it. “Not that I don’t like your Exes, but I think it’s nice that you still have something to share with them and them alone. It’s healthy. Or, well, I think so anyway. And so does that self-help book Wallace got me.”
"...you mean the one Young Neil 'adapted' from Scott Pilgrim's Precious Little Life?"
"Yeah! How Not to Be an Evil Ex in Seven Relationships or Less."
"Well, it's certainly a book, I'll give him that." Footsteps echoed as Ramona made her way down the stairwell, and she paused on the final step to glance over at Scott. “So, in that case, I can expect you to have a movie night with Envy and Knives eventually?”
Scott flinched, slinking into the couch as his console finally powered on. “Let’s not get ahead of ourselves here. Knives sees enough of me during practice, and Envy…” He grimaced, waggling the controller until a cursor appeared onscreen. “I think she still hates me. Especially since it was my movie that caused all that friction with her and Todd.”
“As impressive as your self-reflection is, Pilgrim,” Matthew cut in, “Two things. 1. It was my movie about you. Let’s not get it twisted.”
Scott selected an icon on the screen, and the logo for Sonic and the Black Knight ballooned to take up the whole of the TV. “Technically, it was Young Neil’s movie.”
“Technically,” Ramona corrected, “It was Older Me’s movie.”
“ Technically, I paid for the whole thing to happen… or not happen, as it were.” Matthew crossed his arms. “2. If Ramona is capable of… forgiving our discretions,” he managed, a look of shame briefly flickering through his mask of confidence, “And recognizing her own culpability in them—”
“—then you can talk to Envy Adams. Like an adult. Hell,” Ramona pointed out, “You could always team up with Todd and do something together like the boys, Roxy, and I do.”
“...a League of Exes who Probably Should Work Through their Problems…” Scott scratched his chin. “Maybe. Thanks, you two.”
“No problem, Pilgrim. All that said…” Matthew smirked, snapping his fingers. The Demon Girls flew from the kitchen, each shaking Ramona’s hand—
“Thanks for the grub!”
“You’re the best, girl!”
“I have to take you clubbing with me sometime!”
“Wait, we can go clubbing?! Nobody told me that—”
—before vanishing into Matthew’s body.
“...we should be on our way.”
Ramona nodded, hopping off the stairs and grabbing Scott’s X-Men jacket from the rack. “Borrowing this!”
“Sure!”
She slipped around to the couch, giving Scott a quick kiss on the cheek. “Enjoy your Sonic. Is this 2 or 3?”
Scott shook his head. “No, this is the one where he’s fighting King Arthur, and swinging around a magic talking sword!”
Matthew paused, halfway through opening Ramona’s door. “Really? And this is a video game?”
“Yep!”
“...hm. Perhaps I shall look into this ‘Wii’ later.”
Ramona chuckled, ruffling Scott’s hair. “Sounds fun. Maybe I can watch you later?”
“Sure!”
“I’ll be back soon. Love you.”
“Love you too!” Scott squirmed slightly. “That always feels nice to say.”
Ramona smiled. “Nice to hear.”
Matthew laughed, taking a step forward. “That’s going into the script for the sequel, you two, I hope you know thaAAAAAA—”
Both Scott and Ramona blinked, watching as Matthew fell into the Subspace Highway. Ramona chuckled again, far more weakly, as she followed Matthew in with a muttered “Whoops.”
TORONTO, CANADA
PROBABLY LIKE… TWENTY MINUTES AFTER MATTHEW PATEL FALLS INTO SUBSPACE
“So,” Matthew exclaimed, holding an ice pack to his head. “Are we all ready to begin?”
Lucas leaned back in his chair; arms placed squarely behind his head. “Lucas Lee, superstar barista, is always ready for action.”
“Woooow,” Roxy marveled, in utter sarcasm. “You didn’t say ‘let’s party’ this time.” She took a sip of punch, grinning over at Ramona. “It must’ve been difficult for him.”
Ramona grinned back with a shrug. “He’s learning.”
“Hardly,” Lucas muttered. “Just gotta save the good stuff for later.”
Kyle took a handful of chips and placed them on a napkin, passing the remainder of the bowl over to Ken. “Getting to ‘later’ at all is predicated on your survival.”
“We shall see who makes it out alive,” Ken agreed, giving Robot 01 a gentle pat on the head; the robot sat happily in his creator’s lap, extending its arms to pull in some additional snacks to their side of the table.
“I’m sure Matthew won’t make it easy for us.” Gordon pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose, wrapping an arm around Julie. “Just so long as he realizes we won’t make it easy for him, that’s fine by me.”
Julie grabbed Gordon’s wrist before it could reach its destination. “Handwipes. You’re not getting popcorn oil on my dress.”
“...sorry.”
“Oh, Ramona,” Todd called from across the table, “Did you get a chance to ask Scott if Wallace was free on Friday?”
Ramona shook her head with a deep sigh. “You know Wallace is taken, Todd.”
Todd blushed, shrinking down in his seat. “Well, yeah, but friends can hang out! And date. And possibly a little more?”
“Been there, failed that,” Roxy snickered. “...though, if you changed your mind—”
“Not at the table, Rox,” Ramona interrupted.
“Sure, sure.” Roxy opened her mouth.
“Not under the table, either.”
“Spoilsport.”
“A-hem!” Snapping his fingers, Matthew cleared his throat. “Allow me to transport you to a time and place unlike any you’ve ever seen before. This is a world of mystical wonders, of fantastical beasts and magic flowing through the air! You are about to embark on a quest that will take you across landscapes of all shapes and sizes— against an evil beyond imagination! Welcome, one and all, to… Torontoria, the land of hopes and dreams!”
Silence reigned at the table.
At least, until Julie spoke up. “Did you really f***ing name your mystical fantasy world after Toronto? ”
“No! Maybe! It— look, Tolkien called his realm Middle Earth, okay, I can name mine whatever the hell I want— ”