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Keith often thought he was like a dog. A wounded one. Snapping teeth, cowering, untrusting. A stray. Dangerous. Aggressive. In less literal words, it was the way he’d been described his whole life. He knew what he was. Everyone else did too. And he hated them for it.
“Keith would be the worst leader of Voltron!”
“Everyone has their thing. Keith’s the loner.”
“Keith’s a hothead!”
So, yeah. He wasn’t a fan of this whole Voltron thing. He’d stupidly grown to care for people who saw him just like everyone else did. At least they treated him a little better. He thought so anyway. They hadn’t hurt him. That was more than could be said for some. And thus far, he hadn’t hurt any of them. He was pretty sure this was a record for how long he’d gone without fighting someone. It helped that he had things to take it out on, like the bots in the training room. Most of his nights were spent there, like tonight.
He slashed his sword and watched the bot go down, panting heavily. His muscles were beginning to ache and he was unsure just how long he’d been training. Everyone was long asleep by now. His mind was racing. Stupid thoughts. Wishing the others cared about him. And that was pointless. Almost as pointless as getting on his knees as a child to pray for some kind of love that didn’t burn.
He heard the door open. “End simulation.” It was Pidge, rubbing her eyes. “Pidge? What are you doing?”
“Had a nightmare. Heard sounds coming from here,” she said, shrugging. “What are you doing?”
“Couldn’t sleep.”
“So you decided to train ?” She was looking at him like they all looked at him. Like he was some kind of freak. His skin crawled. She wasn’t wrong. They never were.
“Yeah. It clears my head,” he lied. The truth was that physical pain was a relief. The ache in his muscles, the bruises… It helped. In some fucked up kind of way. It felt real. “You should go back to sleep.”
Pidge was silent for a moment. “I miss my brother.”
Shit. He wasn’t good at this whole comforting thing. Especially the concept of missing people back on Earth. He had nothing and no one waiting for him. He had no home. No one wanted him. “You’ll find him,” he said quietly. “I know you and you will.”
“Thank you,” she whispered. “You should go to sleep too. Breakfast is in a couple hours”
“I will soon,” he said. Whether or not that was true, he didn’t know yet. But every night was more and more restless so he was betting on no sleep. It didn’t really matter. Not unless it interfered with missions and it hadn’t yet. Until it did, he would deal with things as they were. His hurting affected no one but himself. Hopefully, it would stay that way. He could be the loner and the discipline case and the hothead, but he wouldn't be the screwup that got others hurt. His life was easily replaceable. No one likes strays. No one misses them.
—--
He had eye bags deeper than before and wondered if anyone would notice. Then he tossed the thought aside because it was ridiculous. No one had time to care for him in the middle of a war. No one had time to care for him at all. It never seemed to stick in his brain. Always needy, always wanting. Always waiting on a hand that did not hit. Waiting on a hand that he would not bite.
“Keith, are you okay? You look really tired,” Hunk said, pausing from eating.
“I’m fine,” he said curtly. Drop it, he begged. If Shiro figured out about the way he’d been training instead of sleeping, he would be receiving a long lecture about taking care of yourself. A lecture he didn’t care to hear.
“You do look tired,” Shiro pointed out softly.
“Just haven’t been sleeping well,” he said, exhaling sharply. His rope was short and he was reaching the end of it. He was tired.
“I’m sure I can whip something up for you, my boy,” Coran said brightly.
“No, no. That’s alright. Waste of resources,” he said, waving his hand dismissively.
“I insist,” Coran said.
“I don’t need it,” he snapped. There it was.
“Keith-”
He stood up and walked out before he could get an earful. Keith loved Shiro. That didn’t mean he wanted his sad attempts at making Keith someone he wasn’t. Someone good and worthy of love. He wasn’t made for that. It was about time that Shiro saw it too. Why Keith had been picked instead of some other random person to pilot Red, he would never understand.
—--
Another night in the training room. Another night of being interrupted.
“You were a real dick to Coran today, you know? Maybe think about apologizing,” Lance said harshly.
This he could work with. Someone finally gave it to him straight. “I know I was,” he said simply. Anything to get a rise out of him. To make him hate Keith more. Hate was more familiar than love. Hate was comfortable. He knew it well. Vile, monstrous dogs like him didn’t know love.
“What is your problem? The whole bad boy act isn’t cute. Maybe your parents thought so but no one else does.”
Lance didn’t know he had no parents. The knowledge didn’t ease the sting. He was glad for it. “Have you ever thought that it’s not an act? Have you ever thought that maybe this is just the way I am? Because it is. You can’t teach an old dog new tricks,” he snarled.
“If we didn’t need you to form Voltron, I would shove you in an escape pod myself,” he said angrily.
“You’re cutting into my training time. Can you go?”
Lance scoffed and left without another word. Good. This was who he was. It hurt; he wouldn’t deny that. But this was for the best. Believing in Keith like Shiro did… Well, it only led to disappointment. It was better to let everyone down from the get go. No expectations. It was easier on everyone . Keith didn’t have friends and he certainly wasn’t part of the family they’d created together. The loner. That was Keith. Sleep eluded him again. He didn’t deserve it anyway.
—--
“Keith, we need to talk,” Allura said, pulling him aside. “You’ve been behaving irrationally. Is there something I should know about?”
He jerked his arm away from her touch. “No. I’m fine.”
She exhaled angrily. “Maybe you are. Maybe you’re not. But you can’t keep treating the team like this. It’s going to interfere with Voltron and that will be on you. Is that what you want?”
This was different. She was right. If lives were lost because of him…
“No. I’ll keep it under control.”
“Good.”
He was silent at breakfast. No one spoke to him anyway. Lance’s anger radiated off of him in waves and Hunk didn’t even dare to look at him. Pidge didn’t usually bother him but today she kept glancing over at him. Don’t, he thought to himself. Voltron comes first. None of them meant harm and he knew that. But it was better for them to let go of the idea of a Good Keith now. To see that Keith was Bad. How do you toe the line between showing everyone that you’re Bad and making things so awful that the team could no longer function? At the end of breakfast, it was Shiro’s turn to chew into him.
“We need to talk.”
“I know,” he bit out. “I already got this from Allura. I won’t blow up again. I won’t mess up Voltron.” It was so hard to bite his tongue instead of the hand stretched out to him.
“Keith, I’m not worried about Voltron right now. I’m worried about you. Ever since you found me again… It’s like nothing has changed since we first met. What happened to all your progress? Why are you doing this to yourself again?”
Keith took a deep breath. “Because I was right back then. So was everyone else. I’m not right , Shiro. You can’t save me or whatever it is you’re trying to do.”
The worst part about Shiro was he didn’t bite back. A hurt look flashed across his face and it only reminded Keith that there was a reason he did all this. Even honesty would result in this. Hurting everyone who cared. Anyone who cared. That’s why it was better for them not to. Keith couldn’t be saved. He was a stray. Not a rescue.
“That’s not it. I care about you, Keith. You’re my little brother. Let me in again,” he said.
Shiro expected to see Good inside of Keith. The truth was he was all rotten inside. All sharp teeth and violence. “I’m not who you think I am, Shiro. Give up,” he begged.
“Never,” Shiro vowed.
Keith swallowed. “Your mistake. Everyone else has.”
The ache in his chest didn’t stop when he turned away and walked. It didn’t stop that night when he finally slept a few short hours. It stayed.
—--
“You didn’t tell him,” Pidge said.
He was polishing up Red, trying to avoid the team. Shiro was training which meant he would not be. No one spent much time in the hangar. Of course Pidge would go looking for him. It wasn’t much of a surprise when she kept looking at him at breakfast. She was annoyingly observant and confrontational.
“Didn’t tell who what?” He continued polishing, willing her to leave. Alone was better. If he didn’t want to lash out, he needed to be alone. Pidge was one of the last people he wanted to hurt. She didn’t deserve it; none of them did.
“Lance. You didn’t tell him that you don’t have parents.”
For fuck’s sake. “It’s not his business. It’s not yours either.”
“We’re supposed to be a team. Teams are honest with each other.”
“That’s not me, Pidge. You know it. You said it yourself. I’m the loner,” he said tightly. Who knew how she had even gotten the information? Probably hacking into his Garrison files. If they still kept them after they tossed him out, anyway.
She studied him for a moment. “I was teasing when I said that. You didn’t know.” It was a statement. And disgustingly accurate.
“Doesn’t matter if it was teasing or not. It was true. I’m a lone wolf,” he said bitterly. True, she was confrontational. But she didn’t care and that made all the difference. She would give up and she wouldn’t try again. Everyone gave up eventually. Dogs that couldn’t be tamed were tossed aside. He would be too.
“No one is forcing you to, you know? You could be close with us. We like you. You just have to show that you want to be around us.”
“I don’t see why you would like me,” he lashed out. “You don’t have to lie.”
“You can think I’m lying if you want. But I’m not. I understand you more than you might think, Keith. If you just opened up a little, I think the others would too.”
“No point in that. There’s nothing good to see.” Leave. Give up. If she could see through him so well, she should know. There was nothing worth seeing in him. There never had been. His mother must have seen it when she decided to leave, along with everyone else he had ever grown to care for.
“You might be surprised. Shiro saw something good, obviously. Sees something good. Think about it,” she said, heading off without another word. He refused. The barbed wire that surrounded him was in place for a reason. He’d throw himself into an airlock before repeating his childhood. Nothing had been worse thus far. Being ten years old, aching and asking. It was the most humiliating thing he’d ever experienced. Years of begging and praying and asking for what no one ever wanted to provide. He wouldn’t do it again. Not even as they offered. He would always want more than they could give.
—--
They needed to get to the control room. A simple enough goal, had Keith gotten enough sleep to be on top of his game. But he hadn’t. Galra were closing in and he went down embarrassingly fast. His side was gaping open, blood gushing from a gash. Courtesy of a sword. He tried to keep fighting. He fell.
“Keith,” Lance shouted. “What happened?!”
“Get to the control room, I’ll hold them back,” he yelled, using the wall to drag himself up. “I just fell, that’s all.”
“Liar,” he said, blasting his way through the room to Keith’s position.
“I’m serious, get to the control room! It’s more important!”
“Fat chance,” Lance snapped, finally reaching him. The blood surged out from his side, hand held firmly against it. It was useless. “No. Hey, it’s gonna be okay.”
It hurt unbearably. He was pretty sure tears were making their way down his face. “I know. It’s fine; go. I’ll be okay.”
“What?” Lance looked aghast and Keith couldn’t help a small wheeze that made the pain so much worse.
“Lance, you have to get to the control room! If you don’t, this ship will attack the civilians,” he said, more out of breath than he remembered being a few moments ago.
“Shut it,” Lance snapped. “I won’t leave you. I won’t.”
He started to tip over but Lance caught him, guiding him to the floor gently. “Why not?” It didn’t make any sense. Why was Lance staying? “If you don’t go… they’ll close in on us and we’ll both die.”
“Don’t say that! You’re not dying. Guys, we need backup immediately!”
“Kind of occupied here,” Pidge replied. “What’s wrong?”
“Keith is hurt.” He pressed a hand to Keith’s wound, next to his own. He whimpered. “I know, I’m sorry,” he whispered.
“How bad?”
“Please, just hurry,” Lance said tightly.
Keith could feel the tears running down the sides of his face. “Lance, you have to go.”
“No, the team will take care of it,” he argued.
“They won’t and you know it. You have to leave me here, okay? You have to go,” he repeated.
“I’ll die before I leave you.”
Keith wept. “You’re so stupid. It only needs to be me.”
“You’re not dying!”
“Lance,” Keith said gently, sniffling. “I’m sorry. For everything. I really am. I never hated you and I hope you know that. I never hated any of you.”
“I know,” Lance said, voice strained as his throat threatened to close up. “I forgive you. A hundred times over. You’re not dying, okay?”
“I’m sorry.”
Lance was saying something, shouting maybe, but he couldn’t hear anymore. It was all fuzzy. Things were blurry so he tried to zero in on Lance’s eyes. Keith was tired. He just needed a bit of sleep, that’s all. Just a little sleep. His eyes shut.
—--
Keith tumbled out and knew it wasn’t right. He should be dead. Shiro steadied him and he blinked harshly. “I’m alive,” he said plainly.
Shiro hugged him tightly. “What happened out there? You have to tell me; you have to talk to me. We can’t keep going on like this. We almost lost you.” He pulled back.
“I’m sorry, it’s my fault,” he said. “I was… training instead of sleeping so I was off my game. That’s all.” Please believe me. Please don’t push this.
“Why? Why have you been doing all of this? Why did you tell Lance to leave you there?” The questions were making his head spin and he felt cornered.
“Shiro, the mission is more important. I do not matter,” he said harshly.
“Why do you get to decide that?”
“What?”
“You don’t get to make that decision for us. You don’t get to decide that we care more about the mission than we do you. Because that’s wrong. All of us, we care about you. So much and I can see now that you don’t believe that but it’s true. And I can prove it,” he said.
No. He didn’t want this. Didn’t want them to care. That vulnerable position, he didn’t want it. Hiding behind his sharp edges and teeth was safest. “How could you possibly prove that?”
“The mind meld headbands. Come with me and we’ll show you.”
He trembled. “I don’t want to.”
“Please, Keith. Please.”
There was no escape here. There was no other option. “Okay.”
—--
They powered on and Keith stared at the floor. Truthfully, he was scared. Scared to see what all of them thought. He knew already that they had a dislike for him but to see and feel it through the mind meld… People he cared about… He took a deep breath and saw the flashes through the others minds. Felt what they felt. Frustration. Sadness. Understanding. A weird swelling in his chest that felt something oddly like how he felt about them. Longing, even. From Lance. Little pictures went through his head. Keith’s few smiles, the times he was sarcastic, the time he’d saved the team. His bravery which he’d always seen as reckless stupidity. This couldn’t be how they saw him. His eyes welled up with tears and his chin wobbled. He put his head in his hands.
“Keith,” Lance said, softly. A gentle hand touched his shoulder and he didn’t dare to look. Couldn’t dare to face any of them. He couldn’t deny this. Words were words and often lies. But he had felt it all; seen it all. That couldn’t be faked. What was he meant to do with it all? What if he tried and let them all down?
“You won’t,” Shiro said. Ah. The headband was still on. “You’re not a bad kid, Keith. You never have been. I’m never going to be disappointed in you for trying. You’re my brother. I’m not giving up on you.”
All things he had said before but now he knew that Shiro meant them. That the whole team did. He looked back up.
“We’re here for you,” Allura said gently. “You’re our family.”
And he could feel that too. “Are you sure? Are all of you sure about me?” There were strong feelings of yes flooding into his brain. He wasn’t sure what to do with the information. These people cared for him. They didn’t want to hurt him. Then why did he still feel the urge to snap his teeth?
“It’s gonna take time to unlearn all of that. But that’s okay,” Shiro said, offering him a smile.
“Yeah. We’re not going anywhere, buddy,” Hunk said warmly.
“I already told you,” Pidge said. “Just glad you can believe it now. Or start to. We wouldn’t be the same without you. I’m glad you’re okay.”
“We all are,” Lance said, grabbing his hand gently.
Keith looked at Lance and knew that it was loaded. Knew how he felt, thanks to the headbands. He nodded and squeezed Lance’s hand. “Thank you.”
The team huddled close to him and he felt a surge of warmth. He wasn’t really sure who it was from. It didn’t matter. He would stay the barbs on his hands and the canines in his mouth. He would not bite. Not this time.