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Hange Zoe is a curious person. Her mind is always occupied, thinking, wondering, pondering, questioning. She thinks about her life, she thinks about the world, the Walls, the titans, the scouts.
Titans are fascinating, Hange thinks, with their morbid faces and petrifying grins, the way they resemble humans so uncannily and then pluck the very same humans off the ground and gobble them up so effortlessly, all in a spray of blood and mashed limbs. It is a sickening sight, but it makes questions pop in her head; are they conscious of what they’re doing? Do they enjoy it? Is it like a tasty meal for them? Then there are more questions: How is a titan made? They don’t seem to have any reproductive organs, so where do they come from? To what extent can they regenerate? Are there any other weak spots besides the nape?
All these answers lie in research and experiments. And she does that regularly, moving forward to quench that never-ending thirst for answers.
But there are other things that Hange Zoe wonders about as well.
She thinks about humans, their feelings, and dreams, because that’s what mostly drives one forward in a life like this. And she marvels. Marvels at the fact that something so abstract as anger, love, hope, hate, or envy can weave into such a tangible force that pushes and propels one onward when seemingly all is lost and gone and broken forever.
It is indeed an interesting thing, almost or perhaps even more so than studying the regeneration process of a titan-shifter. She has come to realize that emotions are a very complex thing. They are present in everyone, but they rise to the surface in a multitude of different ways. Each person is unique, and the ability of expression is one of the things that make them unique.
Some may argue, they may say that there are plenty of people out there who are emotionless, heartless, numbed by the cruelty of life.
Hange Zoe will disagree. It’s not that they’ve lost the ability to feel, it’s just that the way they express what they feel varies from the norm. She’s seen many people like that in the survey corps. Erwin, for example, the cold Commander, valiant and willing to sacrifice everything and anything for humanity. People say he’s lost all empathy, has become a shell of a man, or maybe it’s his position as the leader that’s done it.
He is like that to an extent, but deep down she knows there’s a person who cares about his comrades, whose sleep is haunted by the shadows of guilt every night, who enjoys the company of his friends, and even though it takes a good amount of alcohol to achieve it, Hange has seen his real self. The good-natured man who laughs with his friends and appreciates the simple joys that come with having the right people around you. She has also seen a spark of longing in his eyes, as he stares at them all laughing merrily together, as if he wants to carefully hold that moment in his hands and cradle it close to his heart, never to let go.
Then there’s Levi, Humanity’s Strongest soldier, a fearless man with a heart of stone.
Out of everyone, Hange thinks Levi is the most complicated person, a tough puzzle, an ancient language, almost lost to the ebb and flow of time. Almost.
And because Hange Zoe is a curious person—and surprisingly patient when it comes to her topic of interest—she has tried to read into those forgotten words, she has tried, and is still trying with every passing day, to untangle that complex web of words and actions and emotions that make up the Captain.
She likes the progress she has made.
Because it not only strengthens her friendship with him, but also proves her theory correct—if a man as stoic as Captain Levi possesses emotions, then the only thing that “emotionless” can mean is the inability to express in a way that falls under the definition of “normal”.
Levi’s way of expression is strikingly singular. And it’s fascinating.
Like how he barks harsh orders at his squad, making them endure tedious hours of bone-breaking training, without rest or meals. It’s his way of saying, don’t die out there. It’s seems cruel, yes, but Hange has seen the intensity in his gaze as he makes them work, and learnt to decipher that firm look; it’s determination. And concern. He wants to do everything in his power to protect and prepare them, arm them now in the security of the Walls, so they can survive once they step outside.
And when he gruffly burdens the poor new recruits with the responsibility of scrubbing the mess hall clean with only a toothbrush, Hange can see from the way his lips twitch at the corner and quickly morph into a scowl and from the slightest, most tiniest glint in his eyes, that he finds it amusing how his mere presence instills a deep fear within the younger recruits. Of course, Hange knows that there’s actually nothing to fear about Levi, but rumors can be powerful (she knows he would never kill someone if they as much as touched his cravat. He would break a few bones, but he wouldn’t kill them), and Levi doesn’t let the ones about him go to waste.
She sees his concern and care in the way he marches up to Erwin’s office, often accompanied by Hange, to remind him to pull your ass out of this paperwork and go visit the town or something, you’re being a pain in the ass for everyone. She sees the familiar glint of amusement—easily mistaken for anger at times—in his eyes as he throws insults at Mike in response to his jibes. Or the expression of content that she interprets from his relaxed brows and slackened features, when all of them are sitting together and drinking their worries away or recounting old stories.
Then there are also other things she notices.
She sees how he stops by her lab every day, complaining that it’s always messy and dirty and then cleaning it up as she remains immersed in her own work. And then he shows up again the next day, and the day after that and so on and so on. Coming up with reasons and complains and excuses every day. Excuses to stay in her company, she knows.
Because it’s Levi and he never was like anyone else, and she knows that he considers her a close friend now but just can’t say that outright. So he paints his real words in criticism and insults that are actually nicknames and tells her every other day that is this a lab or a junkyard? Why didn’t you die of some shitty infection by now? I’m cleaning this up, or oi, when did you last eat something more than a mouthful, shitty-glasses? Eat this up right now or I’ll shove it down your throat, or get out of this hellhole and see the sun, you’ve been cooped up in here for three fucking days. And because she’s learning to read into those harsh words, Hange knows that he’s just taking care of her.
She sees how he no longer flips her over if she tries to ruffle his hair, or how he pretends not to listen to her endless rants but the moment she asks for an opinion, he’s the first one to say something out of everyone who’s listening. He’s often drinking tea late at night, or walking on the rooftop of the headquarters as nightmares become harsher than the aching need to sleep. And now, he lets her join him with far less grumbles than he did when they’d first met and Hange was eager to be friends. She observes keenly how their late night chats become more habitual and soon they start bringing over paperwork to finish up among soft exchanged words and cups of tea.
Hange notices many things, and among them, she spots the fact that Levi somehow expresses differently around her than he does around others.
And because Hange Zoe is a curious person, she decides to look deeper into this. She observes how he seems to talk a little more around her, or how his eyes hold a sharper emotion when they’re sitting under the stars. It’s not something she’s able to decipher. Not yet, but she’ll get there. Just like she did before. And she sees how he holds her gaze whenever they depart for an expedition and searches for her when they’re ready to head back; carrying lifeless bodies instead of the victory they aim for. His stare is burning, she feels it on her back as she rides ahead, and it’s like a solid, tangible thing. It’s always there.
She notes how he often seeks her out after a bad expedition; his eyes are weighed and heavy, swirling with darkness, when she opens the door of her lab or her room. Then they talk for a long time, until she feels her own vision swim with slumber. So Levi gets up to leave and she registers how the shadows beneath his eyes have dimmed ever-so-slightly and he stands straighter than before. And when he’s gone, she realizes that sleep comes easier than she thought it would before he came to her.
And she sees how he’s always grumbling about her oily hair, but never hesitates to grab the same hair and pull them to demand attention. How he’s always saying that she stinks but never backs away when she’s too close or loops an arm around him. And she knows if someone else were to do that, he would break their arm. (She also notes how the thought makes her feel giddy and warm in the most ridiculous way)
Then she sees how he constantly calls her four-eyes and shitty-glasses and mutters how she never cleans those frames. And the next second she feels them being snatched away from her face and the world blurs. But Levi she can see clearly, because he’s close, and she whines how he always does that, and she can see perfectly fine with dirty lenses. He pulls the glasses out of her reach and begins wiping them. Hange gives up and starts talking about her experiments while he’s at it, and she regards how he looks right into her eyes all the while he’s cleaning, and he’s taking his sweet time.
Once he’s done, he stares into her eyes once more, for a moment too long and then slips the frames up her nose. She blinks as the world comes into a beautiful focus and grins at Levi.
He’s still standing right there, looking up at her. And because Hange Zoe is a curious person, she decides to ask him that question which always rises in her head when he cleans her glasses. It may be a question that will clear many more things. So she asks him.
She asks him what kind of eyes does he like.
He says nothing and turns around to walk away. Her heart sinks but then she hears the mutter of, the color of shit.
And then he’s gone and Hange is still standing right there, but she’s smiling because she knows.
Because she was curious and she tried to read into the complex language that translated Levi and discerned the meaning of each gesture, each word, and each action. Because she studied his ability to express. And now she’s smiling because she knows.
She knows exactly what’s happening to them both.