Chapter Text
Its a dreary and rainy day. I wake up at around 4:00 am. I can never sleep. Life is so hard. I have work at 6:00 am and it doesn’t end until 6:00 pm. My parrot, Aleksei, always wakes me up with the same piercing screech at exactly 4:00am on the dot.
I get up from my cold, hard mattress lying on the floor.
“Good morning, Aleksei.”
He nods. I go to sleep at around 12:00 am and by that time, Melinda already has a guy over. She’s a lady of the night, trying to survive off of loose change and strange men. My feet hit the splintered floor as i walk to the bathroom. My routine is the same every morning. Use the bathroom, brush my teeth, get dressed, make coffee. i put on deodorant, too, but it’s that kind that doesn’t work.
It takes me about an hour to get to work. I can’t afford to ride the bus, let alone muster up the courage to ask my grandpa for a ride. Melinda’s passed out, i only need to worry when she’s foaming from the mouth. I put on my beat up sneakers and walk out the creaky door. I walk past my favorite hospital, where I do everything i need to do in privacy. I work at a convenience store. Clock in, work hard, clock out. Rinse and repeat. Before i walk home, i steal a coke and make sure to pass by the hospital. Theres this stray cat that hangs around there and i like talking to her.
No-one here is really happy. We all have flip phones at the best and only eat bread and soup. I walk home, around 10 and see Melinda, hustling for a man already. I feel bad for her, a college drop out, just like me. She could never support her kids, the closest she’ll get is $25 a night, if she’s lucky. I continue my stroll, dropping bread crumbs on the way. Sipping my coke, walking to the library. I stay in the library for about 45 minutes and then finish my stroll. I get home at 11:30pm, take a shower in frigid and dirty water and go to sleep.
I dream about finding love in New York City. She’ll be my American sweetheart. I’ll work hard for her. We’ll be famous in a warm home. I’ll kiss her on her flushed cheeks and her cherry red lipstick will rub off on me. Her sweet kisses will go down from my neck to chest. She could be small, fair, and dainty. She could be tall, dark, and confident. I’ve never seen anyone like that here though. After I drift away thinking about this girl for half my circadian rhythm, i feel a sense of trepidation, of lurking danger. All i can see is a large, thin figure, inching her way to the edge of a building. She says something. Not something i can understand, but she says something. I try to follow after her, yet i can’t keep up, and end up falling. I wake up in a cold sweat, it’s 4:00am though. I get up and… my sheets. They’ve always been thin, but never this attached to my skin. It’s moist. i touch my face and feel salty tears roll down my flesh. My lips, trembling. My hair, drenched. My throat, dry. My body, shaking. Is this a fate? I try to ignore it. The walls are like paper. I can hear Melindas Sobs echoing across my room. My head is pounding and when i get up, i quiver. I was just dreaming such a peaceful dream, what happened?
“Morning, Aleksei.”
He nods. I walk to the bathroom, repeating my steps. This time, i just take a moment to look at myself. The mirror is unclean, broken, and pensive.
“I wish I was wanted.”
Standing, fully bare, naked, and vulnerable, i notice every inch of myself. My hair is messy and mouse brown, falling about 3 inches below the nape of my neck. My eyes are slender and blue. Pale and hungry like a hunters would be. My nose is long and big, god do i despise it . My lips, slightly round and swollen. My chin and jaw and sharp like a knife. My necks main feature is the Addams apple protruding out of it. My collar bones sink in deep and i trace each muscle with my fingers. I hate my fingers. They’re boney and lanky. My arms are big, from stacking and unstacking supplies. My waist is small, probably from not eating too much. Hands moving down to my waist, i run them across the tattoo i got in 2012 when i was 17. For my parents. Another tear, savory like an aged brine, yet sweet like a kiss falls down my cheeks.
“ Ignore it, Boris. Snap out of it!”
I sigh.
I’m at an average height for a man my age, around 6’1. My feet are regular, I wear a size 13 in U.S. mens. I just wish, with all my heart, i could get rid of these freckles peppered across my face and body. It makes me stand out, and thats the last thing i want to do. Suddenly, i come back to reality. The slapping of hot skin from the other apartment has seized for the last… i- i don’t know? When did Aleksei nod to me? What time is it? What did i just do? Should i-
I feel sick.
Am i late?
I’m never late.
I’m Boris Cebotari-Karamazov.
It’s the only thing i have in life.
Time…
Did i make my coffee?
How long was i standing there.
Wasting my time…
Thinking about…
What was i-
Thinking about…