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Anyone who's been twelve before will tell you that it is difficult. There are so many things you have to worry about, between managing friendships, being at a new school, and growing pains... but Eskel and his brothers had one more thing to worry about. Moving. ...again.
They said this would be the last time the boys would be moved, but Eskel found that hard to believe. He had a tough time believing what most people had to say anymore after having his trust betrayed, time after time again.
Vesemir was not cruel by any means; he was actually quite patient and gentle with Eskel and his brothers. It was evident from the way Lambert followed him around like a baby gosling, and Geralt hovered. Geralt hardly spoke unless spoken to, retreating to the safety of their shared bedroom when things got too loud or overwhelming. It was something that most adults found puzzling and frustrating to manage. Many people disliked how light Geralt was on his feet, too. They claimed he was too quiet and created frequent scares since he would walk into a room undetected, only to be noticed when he announced himself or tapped on their shoulder. They often thought he was unpredictable, one minute being content with his chosen activity and feeling upset the next. One minute he would be across the house, and the next, tugging on their clothing to get their attention.
They just need to use their eyes, Eskel thought.
Geralt was an open book despite what people said about him, always having his feelings plastered on his face for the world to see. He had been getting better at hiding it lest he gets mocked for it, but there was no reason his brother should have to hide. It was unfair.
Lambert, however, was the opposite side of the same coin. Even though Lambert was still very young, he was a handful. He was the one that could accurately be labelled unpredictable at times, not Geralt. Eskel, of course, tried telling the adults these things; they never listened. They rarely ever did.
Vesemir had been the first person to let Eskel have his own space. He never forced the boy to have family time; he never forced him to do chores around the house, and most surprisingly, he never forced Eskel to come out for dinner each night.
For this, Eskel was grateful. But he missed spending time with his brothers. He sat alone at the comedically small craft table in their shared bedroom, pushing his dinner around the ceramic plate with his knees resting almost chest-level against the plastic table. He could sit at his own desk that he shared with Geralt sometimes, but it was filled with his neglected math homework and spilt pencil crayons. He could hear the clinking of cutlery coming from the kitchen, piercing through the thin bedroom door as he ate alone.
It was his choice, but it did not make the feelings of isolation and grief lessen. While eating alone certainly did not help, it was infinitely better than he would have been if Vesemir had dragged him by the ear and made him sit at the tall wooden table across from Geralt and next to Lambert, who would inevitably make a disaster of his section of the tablecloth. He wanted to be there, but Eskel felt like he couldn't be. He refused to be forced to act like everything was fine like life was supposed to go on business as usual. None of this was normal.
Eskel had made his way to his bunk when he caught the top of the door opening out of the corner of his eye. A small head of white hair trotted confidently over to the ladder that creaked horribly if he merely looked at it for too long.
"Hi Geralt," he said, peeking out from under the arm he had thrown over his eyes, not moving from where he laid flat on his back.
"I brought you a cookie," Geralt offered, handing his older brother a nicely wrapped chocolate chunk cookie with his name written in all capitals over the parchment paper in Vesemir's distinct handwriting.
Geralt pulled a crumbled cookie out of his pocket, wrapped in the same parchment paper with the same handwriting that spelt out the younger boy's given name. Eskel smiled. Geralt loved Eskel dearly. So dearly that he was willing to sacrifice the integrity of his portion of Vesemir's homemade cookies to deliver his older brother's dessert in one piece. It was no small feat for his small hands, but he managed not to track crumbs into either of their bunks.
They ate their treat quietly, speaking to one another with nothing but glances, reading each other's body language like the back of their hands. Eskel held out his hand, a silent offer to take the trash before Geralt divulged the paper, and both pieces were crumpled together into a tight ball and tossed expertly into the trashcan midway across the room. Geralt grinned, baring his tiny, mismatched smile. He had lost one of his front teeth during their first week in the new house, excited for the Tooth Fairy to come and take it away. "Come 'ere, let me see that tooth!" Eskel encouraged.
Geralt shuffled in closer to his brother, forcing an even bigger smile that looked anything but natural. Eskel playfully grabbed Geralt's head with both hands, pretending to inspect his smile with a furrowed brow. Geralt shrilly laughed as Eskel used his thumb to move his upper lip to see the missing tooth, now just beginning to show through the gums. "I can't believe you got two whole dollars from the Tooth Fairy for that one!" Eskel let go of his brother, ruffling his hair as he spoke. "She's raised her prices! I think I should get money under my pillow to make up for it. I only got a dollar for mine."
Eskel had already lost his twelve-year molars before they arrived at Vesemir's. Eskel also knew that the tooth fairy wasn't real. The night Geralt lost his first tooth, Eskel stayed up pretending to do homework until his brothers were soundly asleep. The door had clicked open as Eskel had his hand under Geralt's pillow to grab the tooth, ready to replace it with a spare dollar he kept in his coin pouch. Vesemir's eyes widened, expecting all three boys to be well asleep by that point, not just the youngest two. It took him a moment to register what was happening as Eskel stood frozen in fear at the sudden visitor. Vesemir reached into his pants pocket, producing two dollars and placed it gently in the boy's hand. His eyes were soft and knowing as he nodded, wishing Eskel a silent goodnight.
"Well, mine is probably cleaner than yours!" Geralt claimed, bringing Eskel back to the present.
"Maybe so! You should be the one to make sure Lambert brushes his teeth properly from now on since you have such a shiny set."
Geralt's expression suddenly changed as if he remembered something important before announcing that he was going to go play with Lambert. Eskel poked the end of his nose before Geralt scurried down the ladder and out their bedroom door, trotting down the hall. He heard the crashing of plastic echo shortly after, followed by the joyous shrieks of two young boys dumping a large bucket of building blocks onto the living room floor.
He could get used to this.
~
Eskel spent more and more time outside his room, sometimes playing with the boys, sometimes doing homework at Vesemir's coffee table. Occasionally Geralt would ask Eskel for help with his homework. But oftentimes the pair sat in silence as they worked alongside one another, doing their own independent tasks in relative peace.
He didn't know what changed, but one fateful evening, Eskel ventured to the kitchen like he usually did to retrieve his food. This time, however, Eskel did not bring his plate back to the bedroom. He instead sat at the table across from Geralt, on the right side of Lambert, and two chairs away from the head of the table where Vesemir sat. "Eskel!" Lambert cried with glee.
"Hi buddy," Eskel replied fondly.
"You're having dinner with us?"
"Sure am, Lamb," he said, catching Geralt's eye, who gave a not-so-subtle glance from Eskel to Vesemir and back to his brother. Eskel didn't react to the lack of subtlety, knowing that Vesemir was watching him intently and with caution.
He turned to Vesemir, throat feeling tight with awkwardness as they danced around the elephant in the room with a tremendous lack of grace.
"Would you pass the butter, Eskel?" Vesemir asked gently.
Eskel nodded, fearing that he would embarrass himself if he tried to speak before the lump in his throat had gone down and passed the butter dish along to the older man, who looked as though he was moments away from tears.
Conversation was sparse that night and maintained mostly between Vesemir and the three-year-old across the table from him. Lambert chattered away, only talking nonsense part of the time, nonsense that Vesemir entertained even though he had no idea what was being said.
Eskel watched Geralt cringe at Lambert using his plastic spoon to aggressively stir all contents of his plate together as if to draw attention to his mealtime independence.
That night, when Eskel padded to the bathroom to brush his teeth, he decided that he was going to say goodnight to Vesemir on his way back to his room. As he walked past the door the first time, he heard Vesemir blow his nose into a tissue, followed by a heavy-hearted sigh--or what he thought to be one. Through the crack in the door, he caught a glimpse of the older man brought to tears, yet he was beaming. Vesemir's crow's feet deepened with the expression of overwhelming joy, and Eskel's chest felt seconds from exploding.
The floor creaked suddenly, alerting Vesemir that one of the boys had gotten up. He quickly pulled himself together as Eskel darted out of sight and into the bathroom. He pushed the glass door handle into the locked position as he listened for Vesemir's footsteps, brushing his teeth with an anxiety-induced haste.
There was a light knock on the hollow bathroom door. "Eskel?"
"Mhm?" Eskel hummed around his toothbrush, trying to sound casual.
"Are you alright?" he asked hesitantly.
Eskel hummed again, spitting out the toothpaste and rinsing the sink before unlocking the door. "Just brushing my teeth, Vesemir."
When Eskel opened the door, he could see none of the joy in the man's face that he saw minutes prior. His brow furrowed in concern as he looked Eskel over as if he expected the boy to emerge with an injury.
Eskel shifted awkwardly, unsure what he was expected to say, eyes darting to where Vesemir's arm twitched briefly like he was preventing himself from reaching out. Vesemir instantly noticed the fear and distrust flash across Eskel's face before backing out of the doorway, allowing him to leave if he wanted to. Eskel stayed still, which only confused Vesemir more. He sighed heavily, pinching his forehead with one hand. "Come," he gestured down the hall. "Let's talk."
Eskel felt like had been thrown underwater as he was guided down the hall to the couch across from Vesemir's armchair. "I'm sorry this is so hard on you, Eskel."
He heard the words, but they made little sense. "What?" he blurted.
Vesemir looked as bad as Eskel felt. “I don’t want you to feel cornered. I want you to know that I am aware that I cannot force you and your brothers to like me and that I don’t expect it to be easy for you to accept me into your lives, but I’m trying. You boys deserve to feel safe. You deserve a place to call home, Eskel,” he breathed in shakily through taught lips before exhaling just as deeply as he did standing in the hallway. “This may not be what you wanted, and there’s only so much I can do, but the last thing I want is to make you feel like you’re indebted to me because I buy the groceries and keep a roof over our heads. I know I am not your father, and there is nothing in this world that I can do to make you see me that way; I don’t ever expect you to.”
Eskel just stared. He stared with a slack jaw, almost unable to believe what he was hearing. “What?” He repeated, feeling dumb that that was all he could come up with.
“My arms are always open, but I cannot force you to feel differently. I trust that if you need anything, you will come.”
“I... don’t hate you.”
It was Vesemir’s turn to be confused.
“I don’t hate you, Vesemir,” he repeated when he got no response. "I think you care about us a lot."
Vesemir nodded tentatively, "I do, very much."
Suddenly, Eskel was across the room, crushing the older man in a hug so tight that it forced the air from his lungs. A rush of emotion flooded Eskel's body, and he couldn't stop the tears from coming even if he had tried. He tucked his head underneath Vesemir's chin, letting his grip loosen, allowing him to be scooped up like he was a little kid. The truth was, Eskel was a little kid by all metrics but his own. He was hardly out of seventh grade.
"I've got you, son," Vesemir soothed, rubbing one of his hands over the back of the boy's hair, holding Eskel like a glass on the verge of breaking. Eskel hated feeling small, but this time he embraced it. It felt good to let it all go, to cry.
He eventually fell asleep just like that. For the first time in a long time, Eskel felt safe.
~
Eskel woke up in his bed with blankets tucked up under his chin, unsure how he got there. The house smelled delicious, and he heard two small voices whispering and giggling underneath him. Eskel rolled onto his stomach and snaked his arm underneath the safety bar on his bed, dangling his hand in his brothers' faces. He felt a small and very warm hand give him a high-five and a tiny -only mildly sticky- toddler's hand yank on his pinky. "Okay, okay!" Eskel cried. "Enough, ow, ow, ow- Lambert, let go."
The little hand let go of his pinky. He felt a gentle brush to the back of his hand, followed by a small kiss and a very loud exclamation of brotherly love. "Mwah!" Lambert shouted loudly and drawn out.
Eskel crawled out of his bunk, and Lambert immediately tackled him whilst Geralt latched to his side, holding onto his upper arm with his entire body and resting his head on Eskel's shoulder. Lambert leaned in next to Eskel's ear and cupped his little hands around the shell before talking directly into it, only slightly quieter than usual and very wet sounding. "Papa is makin' pancakes."
"Lambert..." Geralt whined. "It was supposed to be a surprise!"
Eskel rolled his eyes as he dragged himself down the hallway to the kitchen, Geralt sitting on one foot and Lambert nearly choking him out by hanging off his neck in an attempt to get a piggyback ride.
"'Morning, boys!" Vesemir called over his shoulder, tending to the hot stove.
It was an odd feeling to be standing in the centre of such a Hallmark-esque scene, but not an unwelcome one. Is this family? Eskel thought.
Vesemir gave Eskel a questioning but reassuring look.
Eskel genuinely smiled back, cheeks aching dully. If this is what it meant to be a family... he could get used to it. Things were not perfect, but it was.
And that was enough.