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“You’re a burden shouto.”
“Excuse me?” Shouto looked up from his book, he did a once over and saw the others leg bouncing, his tense brows became untense, his lips went into a straight line, his eyes got cloudy, his face was neutral.
“ I didn’t want to tell you that, but you never know anything, you always ask for permission, you are so scared of doing the smallest things. We are in a relationship, I don’t want to tell you that you should hold my hand every time we’re next to each other.”
“ I didn’t know, I’m sorry...I’ll do better.”
“You- I- ..I don’t want you to do better! I just want you to feel and do it without overthinking, you can’t, I’m- im just so sick and tired of helping you with everything shouto…I’m tired, I- um, I need time shouto.”
“Yes, I understand.” At that he turned around, and walked out the door, his steps normal not fast or loud, it was like he didn’t feel a thing, he wasn’t angry or rushing to get away, he was just… normal.
I just finished a huge speech, and all shouto could do was say ‘yes, I understand’ and walk away. I knew when I first asked shouto out that it wasn’t going to be easy, I know that. What I didn’t know was that shouto would need guidance at every turn, it felt more like babysitting, it felt like I had to hold his hand when it came to everything and i hate that. I had enough little siblings as it is, i don’t need to babysit a 17 year old.
‘Fuck..I fucking hate this,’ Shouto was adorable, I loved his clueless look, the little pout that would show when he was confused, I loved when shouto would make tea for me when i stayed up studying or reading. I loved a lot of little things about shouto, it would blind me— like his little smile when they knew what Kirishima was talking about—, it would make me forget that as soon as the two were left alone, shouto would go back to walking on a tightrope.
At first, I didn’t mind, — I actually found it cute how shouto would try his hardest to not do something I wouldn’t like — but he never stopped being nervous, he never got to the other side of the tightrope. It was like he was scared of the other side, so he stayed in the middle. It didn’t matter how many times I would tell him it was okay to be spontaneous and try something new, he would just say “okay” and go straight back to tiptoeing around him.
At some point, even the little things couldn’t distract me, I started to see our year long relationship as a burden, I started to distract myself by looking elsewhere, looking at other things, places…people. It became too much, the silence between us became too much, so I said the first thing that came to my mind. It was a terrible thing, and I should apologize- but everytime I think about it, I remember his neutral face, and how he walked away acting as if I told him what day it was. I don’t want to talk to him, if the only thing he’ll do is put on a neutral expression, his default expression so he won’t feel anything.
I want him to feel something, I loved him for almost a year, I still love him to a certain extent, so I just want him to feel something, with someone, even if it isn’t me. I don’t want him to come back to me with a neutral expression, with a forced even tone, with eyes that clearly show he is hurting but he can’t show it.
Going back to my room to lay down, I see shouto getting into the elevator, going to 5th floor, before the door closes, I see puffy eyes.
‘He’s feeling something..’
I almost run to him and hug him, but the door closes and all I think is ‘when he cries, I hope he’ll find a shoulder to lean on.’
…
‘I’m a burden, I knew that, I knew I was a burden. It was only a matter of time until he said it out loud.’
He said he loved me, but he would always look off to the side, the air around us would always feel heavy.
I knew it was because of me, I mean, I never really knew how to love, I only knew that I didn’t want to hurt and I didn’t want to hurt him. I know everyone says I’m dense, but I can tell when someone is getting tired of me.
I can tell when someone is done with me, when someone wants to stop putting up with me, when they can’t keep pretending to love me or care for me, when someone finally sees me as a burden.
My heart hurts, I feel sick, no no I can’t feel sick, I don’t get to feel sick, I don’t get to feel like this. I have to go, I have to go to my room.
My room, where’s it at? Should I ask? No he’s talking, what is he talking about again.. I feel dizzy, I feel sick, the room is closing in-
“Shouto… I’m tired”
Oh, they said my name, who are they? Wait, he’s my boy.. friend no, my ex-boyfriend, why are they tired..? Oh, yes I remember- because I'm a burden.. Then I should leave, I don’t want to burden them anymore-
“Yes, I understand.”
I turned around and walked away, when did I even get up- that doesn’t matter, I need to find my room, before the hall closes in, wait, I should go outside if the room is closing in-
Bzzz. Bzz.
What? Bzz bzz? Like a bumble bee? No, bzz bzz, do I have a bee in my pocket? Should I- I can’t breathe.
I should breathe. I need to find my room- no I should breathe first- then find-
Bzz. Bzz.
The bee, breathe. Count to ten. Then breathe.
1 in hale
2 exhale
3 in hale
4 5 6 exhale
78910 in hale.. 5? My floor is five, I think I should go to my floor, the elevator.
The elevator is down there, when did I get on the floor? Why am I on the floor? I should get up and go to the 5th floor. I’m up, I’ll walk now, then I’ll press the button, then another button.
Why is there music, where did it come from? It comes from the speakers, why are there speakers and not people?
I feel dizzy, my head hurts, I can’t see, I can’t breathe- how do I breathe again? Why is everything going..huh?
…
“Fück y’all! I’m never playing a game with y’all again, Fückin’ cheaters and sore losers!”
“Bakubro! That’s not fair, you’re just so good at the game that we had to cheat a little!”
“ don’t blame my incredible skills because y’all are acting like low lifes with nothing better to do than cheat!” He yelled, swiftly standing up.
“Bakubabeeeeee, don’t act like that, we're your favorite friends” mina whined, grabbing onto his leg to keep him from moving
“Exactly! Don’t be like that kacchan, you love us!”
He says while reaching for his arm
“Sparky, if you so much as put a finger on my arm, I’ll blow you up”
“C’mon man! Why does Mina get to hang onto your leg, but I can’t touch your arm?!” Denki half whined, crossing his arms and making his back to the couch plotting down next to Kirishima.
“It’s okay Kami! It’s just cause he’s shy!”
“I’m not Fücking shy shitt- STOP CLIMBING ME YOU ALIEN BITCH!” He started shaking his leg, eventually throwing her off as he walked to the elevator.
“C’mon bakubro! One more round!” Kirishima said, to which bakugo responded with yelling “eat shit!” And his middle finger, making the three of them laugh, while the elevator opened.
“Fückin’ extras.” He said as he turned his head to the side and saw something entirely unexpected, especially because it was a Tuesday, this is not what he thought he would be dealing with on a Tuesday. Maybe one a Monday, and definitely not in the elevator, why is a passed out todoroki shouto, in the elevator anyways.
‘Fuckin’ hell! Why the fuck is he in here and why hasn’t anyone even noticed? Is he even breathing?!”
His hero instincts kicking in, he kneeled down, checking his palus. Sighing a breath of relief when he established that Todoroki is indeed still alive.
But that leaves him with a passed out todoroki shouto, in an elevator, then the idea of what to do with him came around, he decided to carry him to the other’s room.
To do that, he needs todoroki’s keys, to get to the keys he needs to check his pockets.
‘Damnit, he owes me big Fücking time, going through all this, I hafta- .. mmh it's just his damn pockets, checking for a Fückin key, fuck.. not in his pock, Ykw! Fuck it! I’ll just take him to my room.’
deciding that was the move, he picks up the knocked out Todoroki, carrying him princess bride style, (‘cause hes a fuckin’ princess) he clicks his number and waits for the elevator to start while silently cursing his luck.
( and wishing for more- but no one needs to know that.)
…
“Mmhh..”
“ finally awake, huh icyhot?” Someone said, the voice sounded familiar, so does the nickname, I just can’t remember why.
I can’t really remember anything right now, my head hurts like hell, I can hear my heart beating- no, pounding in my ears. I should probably be worried about who that familiar voice is, or where I am, or how I got here, but my body doesn’t do anything, it’s like he knows he’s safe.
(‘that voice is always safe’)
“Hey, icyhot? You’re awake right?”
The familiar voice interrupted my thoughts, i don’t remember what I was saying before that, so I just said the first thing that came to my mind
“Shut up, please”
Then it was silent, I thought it was okay to go back to sleep, then I heard a chuckle, it was deep and it went as fast as it came.
“Damn, didn’t know you were capable of telling someone to shut up”
Realizing that sleeping isn’t something I could achieve right now, I sighed, starting to sit up.
opening my eyes, squinting to adjust to the lighting, fully opened, going a little wider when I realized who was talking, and why the voice was so familiar.
“Bakugo.” My voice was a little scratchy, probably because my throat was dry, my eyes hurt now that they are open, my face feels puffy, I feel like I’ve been awake for a year, while sleeping for 2.
“The one and only icyhot.” He responded sarcastically, or at least I think that was sarcasm, maybe he was serious, was he?
“Haah, that was sarcasm icyhot” that’s irritation, or annoyance, it seems similar to me.
“Yes, thank you, bakugo.”
He grunted as a response, and I then started to look around. It was the first time I’ve been in here, even though we are in our second year, bakugo still doesn’t really let people into his room. except the Bakusquad, but surprisingly his room is very nice, it’s cozy and warm. Homey.
(‘nothing like mine, I wish it could be like his.’)
He has string lights going around his room, posters of the top ten Heros besides all might and endeavor, I wonder why (‘does bakugou know? About endeavor?’). then his desk, his bookshelf that looks arranged in a certain way, pictures hanging from the string lights, and his bed that has black sheets. It’s really nice, gives a loving (‘love?’) feeling I didn’t think bakugou would have in his room.
What’s really surprising is all the greenery, he has plants all over, hanging, on the balcony railing, on his shelfs, he even has a huge one in the corner of his room, between the bookcase and the balcony doors.
“If you’re done having a stare down with my plants, could you explain why the hell you were passed out in the ELEVATOR?”
Huh? Passed out.., in the elevator? Why woul-
ah- wait I passed out in the elevator, bakugo had to carry me to his room? He put me in his bed, even when he clearly doesn’t like people in his space, I burdened him.
I need to go, I should leave as soon as possibl-
“Hey! Stop zoning out, it’s weird!” He interrupted my thought, again..
“Sorry, it was nothing, just a little dehydrated.” Nice lie.
“thank you bakugou, I’ll be going now.” Standing up, I started walking to the door.
…
“Hey icyhot” he stopped walking, Turning his body half way, he responded with a low ‘hm’
“Did you know, when you zone out you get this far off distance look in your eye?”
He let out a choked sound, like he was shocked that I even looked that close, of course I look that close. I’ve been looking that close for months now, I’ve noticed so many things about him that it should be illegal, I hate that I noticed so many things, because I notice things, I know that something is wrong and it isn’t because he is dehydrated.
“Pardon?” He responded after a minute of silence.
I turned the rolling chair I was sitting in towards him, putting my arms on the back part, leaning my head on them.
“You heard me.”
“Yes, I did, I just don’t understand-“
I could feel a proud grin starting to form on my face, I took pride in getting him to have a reaction and right now he looked so flabbergasted, it was delightful, I loved it. (‘love?’)
“Well then lemme explain it in a dumber way, I know you are lying”
He was silent for a second, then schooled his expression to his neutral one. I love his neutrality (‘...yeah. love.’), but I hate that he uses it as a mask to hide all his feelings.
If I were anyone else, I would probably bitch and whine because of it. I used to bitch and whine, but that was before I learned to read his eyes, his lips, his eyebrows, his blinks. All of his mini reactions, once you learn them, you can’t unlearn them, they are in your face, in your mind, your heart.
Like now for example, his eyes are dark and cloudy, his brows are tense to stay put, and his lips are strained to stay in a line, he’s trying his hardest to not blink away, or avoid my eyes.
He's hiding something.
And he wants no one to know.
“If I’m lying, how would you know? And why would you care?” Oh his voice, one of the key components to his neutrality, his voice is monotonous, but if you listen hard enough you can hear the shaking, the shattering, like he’s trying to prevent it by slowly pronouncing each letter in each word.
So whatever he’s hiding, he’s sad about it.
Todoroki Shouto, is a huge mystery, you have to use the clues he presents you, but if you miss them, then he stays a mystery.
When I started observing Icy Hot, I was confused, frustrated, and annoyed. ``How can someone be so Fücking plain?’ I thought at first, but after I noticed his lip twitching when someone said endeavor was amazing, I started finding other things. They all seem small at first, but when you find them, they are the biggest clues he can give you, it’s like hitting the jackpot.
Of course after I started noticing all the minor changes he would have, I started looking at other things, like his hair, how nice it would look curled and the colors mixed. His lips, how naturally pink they are, how nice they would look with clear gloss or lip liner. His eyes, oh his eyes, they are fucking deep, deeper than the ocean, they hold so much emotion that you would think he is the most emotionally expressive person.
I started noticing things, and I thought it was just because I’m the son of fashion designers, that I wanted to style him, but after a while, I started noticing things designers usually don’t.
“Because you are a terrible fuckin liar.” His lip twitched downwards a little, before it went straight back to a straining line.
He’s annoyed now.
I started learning what the lip twitches mean, they are like little frowns and smiles, his lip twitching downward on his left side is when he is annoyed, angry, or irritated. His lips twitch downwards on his right side when he is; sad, upset, or just whiny.
His lip twitched downwards on his left, so I’m going to assume he’s annoyed.
“I’m not lying.”
“Oh, but you are, so you can either tell me why the hell you are sulking around like a warm refrigerator or we can keep going back and forth, your choice icyhot.” A challenging smirk arises, I could really go all day with icyhot, I could list off the reason as to why he is a terrible liar.
“I’m not sulking.” He frowned all together, he put down his guard. Just for a second, but a glorious second.
“You’re Fücking frowning, bastard.” His lips twitched a little upwards, almost into a..
Smirk.
He’s amused.
“No, not anymore.” Back to neutral.
“Exactly, not anymore, so you were Ifucking frowning!”
It twitched again, upwards.
Still amused, almost a full smile.
“Now, sit back down, and tell me what’s wrong.”
His eyes widened a little, he’s surprised, probably because I don’t usually invite people (‘he's not people though,’) into my room, much less onto my bed.
“On your bed..?”
“Where the hell else?”
“Oh”
Surprised, again.
“Do I have to drag you onto the fucking bed?”
He snapped out of his shocked look, back to neutral, slowly walked over to the bed, similar to a cautious street cat, standing there like he’s contemplating if he should sit or run away, again similar to a street cat. It's really fuckin cute.
“Damnit, icyhot just sit.”
Jumping a little bit from the sudden sound, he sat down quickly
“Okay, now talk.” Tilting his head like a confused puppy, he hummed a questioning ‘hm’
“Why’re you actin so fucking sad?”
…
“Why’re you actin so fucking sad?”
Why am I acting sad? Am I sad? I don’t think I am, or I’m not allowed to be sad.
What happened was bound to happen, it was going to happen. I’m not sad about it, so why does Bakugo think I’m sad? How would he know I’m sad? I haven’t shown anything, my face has been the same, neutral, my voice is the same.
Is it really my eyes? Is he looking at my eyes? Why is he looking into my eyes?
“Why do you think I’m sad?” I asked instead of bombarding him with all the other questions.
“You’re voice, dumbass.”
“My voice?”
What about it? It’s the same, I made sure to keep it monotone, I made sure to keep it plain, how did he notice anything from my voice? Can other people notice, can he?
“Yeah, just like your eyes, it sounds distant and slow.”
Distant? Slow? What is he talking about? How does he notice anything about my voice, I don’t even notice it? Is it because he’s observant of his rivals? That’s probably why.
“Look, you can just cut the crap and explain why you are knocked out in the elevator, why your eyes are puffy, and why you are sad.”
Irritation. He’s irritated, he’s getting tired of me, he’ll be sick of me, then I can leave, then I won’t burden him.
“I’m sorry” I apologized, why? Why did I apologize?
“For Fücking what?” He looked confused
“For burdening you” huh?- why would I say that? Why am I just saying stuff? I don’t even remember thinking of saying that, he’s going to be more burdened because of my feelings.
He’s going to be sick of me.
“ what the fuck? when did I ever say th-“ his jaw snapped close with an audible click, realization washed over his face
“Who said that?” Anger. He’s angry at me.
“Said what?”
“Who the fuck said you were a fucking burden?”
He’s grinding his teeth, his jaw is clenched, like he’s holding back a yell, why doesn’t he just let it go? Why doesn’t he just yell at me? Why is he holding back?
“Are you angry at me?” Why did I ask that, I want to take it back, of course he’s angry at me. I invaded his space, I told him about my problems, and he had to carry me. Of course he is angry at me.
“No, not if you tell me who the flying fuck said that.”
Oh.
He’s not angry at me, if not me, then who?
“Then who are you angry at?”
I asked, he took a deep breath in then exhaled, closing his eyes and counting to ten out loud.
Maybe I shouldn’t have asked.
“Im sorr-“
“Don’t.”
“Huh?”
“Don’t apologize.”
Oh. Okay. I’ll just stay quiet.
“Okay, since you are so Fücking dense-“
“Don’t even try to apologize, or I swear to god icyhot, I’ll blast you right now, right here.”
How did he know? I didn’t even open my mouth yet-
“As I was saying, since you are so dense, I’ll have to explain it properly”
“Explain what?”
“Explain everything.”
What’s everything? All my questions? But I haven’t asked them yet, so what is he explaining? Can he just tell? Like how he can tell when I'm sad?
I'm sad..?
“I’m not angry at you, I’m angry at whoever said you are a burden”
Oh.
But- why? Why does he care? Why is he angry at them? It’s true that I am a burden, it’s not their fault.
“Why are you angry at them? What they said is true, I am a burden.”
He looked at me flabbergasted and insulted, like I just called his father an insulting name.
He took another deep breath, I think he might be angry at me now
“first of all, you aren’t a fucking burden, whoever said you are can kiss my fucking ass, because they are dead Fücking wrong. The extra that said that is fucking dead. And second, don’t ever fucking think you are a burden, you aren’t a fucking burden, you’re a little dense, so what? That makes you a lovable idiot.”
Lovable idiot? I’m not lovable, or he would love me, but he thinks I’m a burden.
“You don’t understand everything because you had a stunted upbringing, that isn’t your fucking fault, that’s your bastard of a father’s fault. You don’t have many open expressions, that’s not a flaw and not true, people love that about you, it adds to the mystery, plus if anyone would just look a little deeper they would notice the lip twitches,”
Lip twitches- huh? I thought I held those back? I thought- I’m not supposed to show those.
I shouldn’t show those, I’ll have to fix that.
“the voice cracks, eyes that show so much fucking emotion that you don’t even need to look anywhere else, everything about your face is so fucking expressive, you just have it suppressed because of your childhood. You are fucking amazing, don’t ever let anyone say otherwise.”
My breath is gone- how?
How does he know all this? I don’t remember slipping up? Did I slip up? Around bakugou? I.. I couldn’t have slipped up, I didn’t even know I had voice cracks, I thought I stopped those when I was 12
Nononononononono
This can’t this can’t
Howhowhowhowhow
He can’t know about all of that
If he knows- how- he shouldn’t know
He knows about that- I can’t breathe
My head hurts again
My heart is going fast, why won’t it slow down?
Why can I hear my heart, I don’t want to- helphelpHelpHelp
“Help-“
…
“Help-“
“Help? Todoroki?”
“C-cant.. Bre-breathe”
‘Shit! Fuck! Damnit!’
‘ he's having a panic attack- Fuck.’
Scrambled my way across the room, kneeling down in front of him, between his knees
“Todoroki.”
No answer.
“Todoroki”
No answer.
“Shouto.”
“Hu-“
“I’m going to grab your hand, okay?”
I grabbed his hand that was clawing at his throat, slowly pulling it towards my chest, and putting over my heart.
“you feel that?”
“MmH- ye-yes”
“Good, great, now I need you to breathe with me, in and out, eight times, okay?”
“Nononono, can’t breathe no-“
“Just try okay, in and out, just like this” taking a deep exaggerated breath in and let it out, then again, and again, until shouto started doing it too
“Yes, just like that, there you go”
We continued to do that exercise, my fingers started to gently run through his hair. It would help me with my panic attacks, calms me, so It might help him.
After about five minutes, I felt more weight on my hand.
“Thank you”
“Mhm.” I continued to run my fingers through his hair, while I let his other hand go.
“Sero said I was a burden.”
I froze.
What the hell.
Sero? Sero hanta? His boyfriend? His lover? The one who is supposed to love and care for him? The one who I thought would be good for shouto, so I never bothered confessing?
Him?
“Bakugo..?” I snapped back to reality
“Katsuki.” his head tilted towards me
“Call me Katsuki, and I’ll call you shouto.”
He smiled. He fucking smiled, it was soft, he didn’t show teeth, but it was a smile, a shouto smile, a gorgeous fuckin smile.
“Okay, thank you Katsuki.”
I smiled back, Sero can wait another day, right now I just want to stare at shouto, and him to stare at me.
Moving closer, slowly, I gave him a forehead kiss.
“You aren't a burden, you’re shouto, you can’t burden me.”
his lips trembled, eyebrows almost touching his hairline, glassy eyes filled with unshed tears.
“Thank you, Katsuki.”