Chapter Text
Chapter One
Griffin Stagg had heard the saying, 'A watched pot never boils,' and for a while, he had thought idly, that it must also mean a watched life never ends. Whether that remains true or not, Griffin could hardly find enough time in the day to ponder it, let alone care about such things. Griffin was in his sophomore year of high school, but in all actuality, he was in his junior year. He couldn't remember the last time he'd shared a core class with a student in his actual grade. Not that Griffin cared, he had called no one in his year a friend.
But there was always something nerve-racking about entering a room full of teenagers a year older than you. It wasn't their age that scared him, but the fact that they didn't know him. I mean no one truly did, but they tried talking to him because they didn't know him as someone who preferred his own company. If someone asked him, though, he'd say he was intimidated by the age gap.
Often when people discovered he was what you would call an introvert, they instantly thought he was aloof, and had no interests. And you know something, they might have been right if they said that only a few years ago. Griffin couldn't remember loving anything as a child, perhaps it was because he spoke even less when he was younger. Though he had come to love the earth and literature, in his first year of highschool, yet he had failed to truly love humankind. He supposed he could bear some of them, he could even like them, but what stopped him from loving them was unknown.
~~~
Griffin Stagg had made it to his fourth class of the day which was English. An accelerated English made for juniors. Griffin had gone through the end of August, the whole month of September, and the first week of October, without talking in this class. That was until the fateful second Monday of October, on which he mumbled the word "yeah," once. This affair came about like this.
The end of the mythology unit had just ended in this particular class, and these students moved to the next unit. One that would prove to be unpleasant most certainly.
"You understand, so far, we've covered a unit, that meets the first standard, of this school year. If anyone, failed said unit or hasn't done said unit, it will be, up to each student, to make the first unit up," Griffin's English teacher Mr.Harmon spoke, his words having too many unnatural pauses for anyone to truly be paying attention. "If your parent, or anyone, who looks at your report cards, or grades, is confused, as to why, you have a failing, or absent, grade, you should explain, to them, that you sat through my class, and didn't pay heed, to my words. Now I've blabbered on, and on, again, and again, about getting work done, on time. If you fail, you should know, when I sit down, and grade your assignments, I don't grade them, based on whether or not I like this person, or-" At this point, Griffin and many others had zoned out, though Griffin could see some were not even feigning to pay attention. One in particular, Billy Showalter.
There he sat at a table across from Griffin. There were many stark differences between the two boys, but staring at them now, there was one difference that stuck out like a sore thumb. Billy Showalter had an abundance of friends, which baffled Griffin. Griffin had one person, he would dare call a friend to their face. Vance from the band was debatable, he was rude to everyone, but his harsh words slowed around Griffin. Griffin noticed, he wasn't dense, but this didn't mean Vance was his friend. No, not threatening someone, didn't make two people friends. At most, it told the person not receiving threats, that the other person tolerated them. That was what Griffin was to Vance, and to many others, a thing to be tolerated. Because in fact, Griffin wasn't in anybody's way, but he had learned that just because someone doesn't hate you doesn't mean that they like you either. This was something he was sure Billy Showalter, would never understand. Billy had all the things or even people a person could want. He was friends will the jocks, he was friends with the people on the math team, he was a part of student government, and quite literally was the student body president, he had figuratively a whole government behind him. He was friends, with almost all the teachers, and every student he was friends with had a mother who loved him and showered him in affection. Their lives couldn't be quite any more different, while Billy got gazes of approval, Griffin often felt lingering stares, that echoed words of pity or even words that would leave anyone humiliated. These gazes only came to Griffin, if someone even remembered his existence. The thing was Griffin was happy with people forgetting about him, but the thing was if he was to do what Billy Showalter was doing right now, suddenly, his existence wouldn't be forgotten. Luckily for Billy Showalter though, when he was forgotten it was ever so convenient.
Griffin couldn't help but stare at Billy Showalter. On the way, he was amicably acting out a story to his friends. From afar, as Griffin always was, he couldn't make out the color of his eyes, were they green, or hazel, perhaps a saturated brown, that shined many hues in sunlight, not that it mattered. Not to Griffin, no simply there was nothing else to consume his thoughts at the moment. He found his gaze wandering down Billy Showalter, was that a red letterman jacket he was wearing? Griffin hadn't remembered Billy Showalter being on the football team or the soccer team for that matter, but what did Griffin know? He reminded himself. Nothing, nothing about anybody, especially Billy frigging Showalter.
He again reminded himself he wasn't interested in knowing things about other people.
"We have, two ways, to go about this," Mr.Harmon reentered Griffin's interest, now it was time to see how long he would hold it. It was never that long, presumably the record was about a minute and thirty-eight seconds of Griffin's unwavering attention. "there, of course, the old name in the hat draw, then, there is the option, of alphabetical order pairings," Pairings, Griffin thought meaning two. Griffin felt his heart lurch to his throat and his hands go clammy. Griffin of course knew what they were doing, My. Harmon had talked about this book report project for the past two weeks, but not once had partners been brought up. He knew this would be a major project, being a weighted grade, what if he got a bad grade due to his lack of communication with his partner? This project as Mr.Harmon had explained already several times, would span from October to the very last days before winter break. Griffin tucked his hands deep inside his sweater sleeves and sunk into his chair, only a mere few inches, but somehow the high school gods still had it against him and decided to allow his movement to cause his chair to release an obnoxious squeak. Before he knew it he felt eyes upon him, it didn't matter he thought. His chair squeaked, that's all, but he felt a prickle in his eyes, was he about to cry? The worst part was he couldn't tell if it was from discovering he would have a partner, or ridiculously, the feeling of having so many eyes on him. He bit his bottom lip, wishing tears away, wishing eyes away. And for once this went his way, eyes returned to prior places, and tears dissolved. Leaving him with only an idiotic feeling, was he seriously about to cry?
Lost in thought, Griffin came back to himself upon seeing his classmate's hands rising. " Well, I suppose alphabetical order, it is." Mr. Harmon's voice cut into his confusion, and his worries were rekindled, Mr.Harmon projected onto the screen a list of all of their names, side by side with their school pictures. God, didn't he realize that was the worst thing he could do to a class of hormonal teenagers, show them and the rest of their class pictures of themselves, taken by underpaid photographers, who probably weren't even real photographers? Griffin cringed at his picture, the lighting leaving his already pale skin to appear ghastly.
Mr.Harmon began reading of partners, Griffin watched the reactions of his classmates, some you could tell felt awkward with the pairings, and others smiled and giggled, in contentment. And Griffin wondered how it'd feel to have someone kick you under the table in happiness, purely from getting to be your partner, to have someone throw you a toothy smile for something so simple. As Mr.Harmon neared the S's Griffin made a realization, that he would be paired with Trent Taylor, the local idiot. How he got into this class Griffin often wondered. Griffin quickly accepted his fate, knowing Trent to some degree, he'd probably just tell Griffin to do the work by himself, and never talk to him about it again. Fine by Griffin, more than fine, actually quite perfect. Then he heard it. "Billy Showalter, and Lucas Skott, ohh, well, what to do here, Lucas isn't supposed, to be on this list anymore," he hummed, and Griffin felt his stomach drop. "Well I guess, It'll have to be, Billy Showalter and Griffin Stagg." Griffin's remaining dignity didn't allow him to let his neck go limp and drop his head onto his desk, though god, how he wanted to.
As the list went, Lucky Trent ended up with Laney Van, a fellow introvert. In his head Griffin cursed, he cursed lots of things, people in particular. He cursed Lucas for dropping this class, he cursed Trent for being born with a name that didn't make him land one name higher on the list than Griffin, he cursed Mr.Harmon for coming up with such a stupid project, and most of all he cursed, Billy Showalter, and the tiny smile he found on his face when he looked up at him. What an idiot, he smiled like he had no idea what was in store for them. It was just another perfect day for Billy Showalter, only slightly inconvenienced by being paired with a boy, who probably didn't even have a name he could remember. For Griffin, though it was a jail sentence(shackles and all) that would last through the most grueling portion of the school year.
"Now, this project, will involve, picking a book, from this preselected list, reading it together, making a visual symbol, or whatnot, from the book, an oral presentation, and an essay. These books each span, 300 to 500 pages-" It'll be fine, it'll be fine, Griffin repeated in his head, I mean besides his awkwardness, what could happen? Billy Showalter could be everything but nice, he could be as snobbish as Griffin suspected, and he could make a fool out of me, Griffin told himself. But what could he do, he was stuck.
Mr.Harmon passed out a list of books to choose from. And Griffin is thankful that it seems like nothing involving their partners would happen today. Mr.Harmon wished today to be a catch-up day. Griffin couldn't be more thankful. He starred at the list of, The Hunger Games, The Hobbit, Seraphina, This Is Where It Ends, How It Went Down, The 57 Bus, The Handmaid's Tale, and on the list went, until his eyes fell upon, If You Could See The Sun by Ann Liang. He had read the book before, it had touched him, he could see himself doing a book report on this one if only his partner agreed. He highlighted the book title. Sweeping his eyes over the rest, and only highlighting one more, Lonely Castle In The Mirror by Mizuki Tsujimura. He had never read it, but he heard it was made into an animated movie. He wondered if he read it with Billy Showalter if they'd watch the movie together. He doubted it.
"Now everybody don't be a stranger with your partner, to get this project done, will require-" Griffin didn't bother to listen, He looked up again at Billy Showalter, Only to be met with waiting eyes, was he staring at him? God, That's embarrassing. For both of them, Griffin thought. Griffin then tried to act like he'd never seen Billy Showalter starring. He ran his hand up to his ear absently touching his lobe. He wondered if he should pierce his ears, he had always loved how dangly earrings had looked on ears. Now he was, just trying to distract himself, but he found himself getting lost in thought. Would his mother let him pierce his ears? She wouldn't be opposed, but she also probably wouldn't want to pay for it. Maybe he could pierce his ears? Or ask Vance, from the school band, He has lots of piercings and if he was truthful, he pierced them all himself. But no, that would most likely require going to Vance's house, and Bruce Yamada was always hanging around his house. He liked Bruce but he and Vance were always hanging off of one another. And they yelled, both of them a lot. Maybe he could get Finney's help, But then again, he didn't necessarily want to go to his house either, his dad was well not very nice to put it lightly. He was the type of dad who made Griffin glad his dad wasn't around. So that marked Finney off his list. That was it, there was no one else in his life whom he could ask to pierce his ear, he felt like crying. God, he thought, why am I so emotional today? And all over wanting to get my ears pierced, guess I'll just have to do it myself.
He heard a chair screeching across the tile floor, similar to how he had just a minute ago. He looked up, and you've probably already guessed who it is. Well, you're wrong alongside a Griffin, if you guessed Billy Showalter. The person pulling out the chair next to Griffin was Trent Taylor, the guy who got paired with Laney Van.
"We're doing The Hobbit, I've decided. I've seen the movie, and it was meh." oh really Griffin thought, He'd decided, somehow he felt slightly better now knowing Trent wasn't his partner. Nothing against The Hobbit, good book. Trent though was not so good. He had no idea what to say to the other boy so he just let him ramble on. "Honestly the guy who wrote, what's his face, oh Peter Jackson, yeah, I feel like he made the movie too boring. I practically fell asleep during the first five minutes," why'd you choose The Hobbit then if all you're going to do is complain Griffin thought sourly. He's such an idiot, has he seriously never heard of Tolkien? The thought clouding Griffin the most though was, would he ever go away? "I mean none of the others seemed that good either, I mean they have The Hunger Games on there. Don't get me wrong Jennifer Lawerence it is really hot and all, but the movie is just so stupid. It's like super unbelievable." Trent continued, again Griffin had to fight the urge to smash his head onto his desk. "So I was thinking," Oh was he, how wonderful Griffin remarked to himself. "You read the book, I watch the movie, then we like to compare, yeah." No, he must be an actual idiot, no one was supposed to watch the movie, It was a goddamned book report, not a book vs movie Venn diagram. "You think that's a good plan right," Trent went on, no quite the opposite, Griffin was thinking.
The never-ending rant about The Hobbit was thankfully ended for Griffin, as a hand tapped on Trent's shoulder.
"Trent you're partners with Laney." Billy Showalter smiled at Trent, How could he do that? Pull such a sincere smile, around such an idiot. It must be a gift some are born with.
"Oh, well you could just be with Laney, because we already, like came up with an idea for our project and stuff." Though Trent was smiling, there was something in his facial expression that made Griffin think that Trent didn't like The Billy Showalter too much. He couldn't disagree or agree with Trent on that quite yet.
"Hey well I'm sure Laney will agree with any of your ideas, just like Griffin here." he laughed. Did he find it funny that people liked to take advantage of him because he didn't talk, Griffin thought hastily. Billy Showalter’s hand landed on the back of Trent's chair, he leaned over Trent and said, "Get up." he sounded demanding, and his tone made Griffin want to tell him to shut up. When he spoke in that tone, he fit the part of a pretty, arrogant, rich boy. Pretty Griffin questioned himself, okay he'd give it to him, Billy Showalter was pretty. But if he continued to talk like that Griffin thought he'd have to stuff his ears with tissues.
Through many more stupid remarks on Trent's part, and many more demands from Billy Showalter, Trent left the seat next to Griffin. Looking to where Trent was headed Griffin could see Laney Van drop her head onto her desk, it seemed as though she had given in to her urges. She looked up when Trent threw the chair next to her out and slumped down, presumably beginning his rant about The Hobbit once more. Through her lashes she found Griffin, she gave Trent a dirty look, then swept her eyes back to Griffin, she rolled her eyes, and to this Griffin weakly smiled at her.
Then Griffin heard a thump, as Billy Showalter took his seat. His legs were too long for the desk, and as he bobbed his legs anxiously, then bounced up into the bottom of the desk shaking the entire thing. Griffin thought bitterly, what did Billy Showalter have to be anxious about? Billy Showalter then lifted his hand onto the desk, using his finger to spin Griffin's list of books, to face him. He examined the list looking over Griffin's highlights and doodles. Griffin felt embarrassed, and he questioned himself as to why. Nothing was embarrassing on the paper, but the feeling of having The Billy Showalter examine something of his left Griffin flushing. Why Griffin questioned himself. He felt his face flush more and more with each minute longer Billy Showalter took. They sat in silence as Billy Showalter pulled out his paper and seemed to be in heavy thought. Who seriously would be that thoughtful over a paper with book titles on it, Griffin wondered. As he realized Billy Showalter might have no intention of speaking of him he let his mind wander. He went over his plan for the day which went as: Turn in the economy project for World Geo, talk to Mrs.Lynch about math assignment, go to study hall, go to clay class, ride bike home, finish any homework, do chores before mom returns home, eat, sleep. Griffin thought dully what a boring schedule, perhaps once his mom returned home he could ask to go out to the local dinner by himself. I can't go by myself how pathetic, he thought. Last year he remembered he had gone to the movies alone, and behind him sat a tall redhead named Buzz, with his friend Matt. All Griffin remembers about that night was hearing weird sounds from behind him, turning around, and seeing A hazed-looking Matt kissing an annoyed-looking Buss. If he was correct Matt's hand was in Buzz's pants. Griffin had quickly turned back around, but not in time. Buzz had seen him. Buzz leaned forward in his seat, so close to Griffin's head, that he could smell his popcorn breath. He had whispered into Griffin's ear, "You pathetic little shit, did you come to the movies all alone only to spy on me?... If you fucking tell anyone what you just saw I'll skin you alive weasel." He leaned back, and for a minute all Griffin could do was shake in his seat, then suddenly he felt a cold sensation dripping down his neck and down his back. Then suddenly the same sensation was being poured down directly over his face. When he touched his face, his hand was stained with the remnants of a blue slushy. Quickly he exited the movie theater, his feet moving before his mind could think. Grabbing his bike and pedaling home. At first, his whole body shook with tears that wouldn't come, then like a flash flood his shaking turned to sobs. He hated himself for crying over having a slushy poured over himself, pathetic, Buzz was right. He remembered he had cried even harder upon returning home to see his mother on the couch sleeping. A part of him wanted her comfort, another part was grateful she was asleep so he didn't have to deal with her. That marked out going to the diner alone, he thought. Perhaps he'd just watch some rerun on the cable.
Interrupting his train of thought on whether to watch a comedy or horror, He heard Billy Showalter say, "I think we should do If You Could See The Sun," he said turning both his and Griffin's paper to face Griffin. Throughout the list of fifty or more books, the only one they both had highlighted was If You Could See The Sun. Griffin waited a second before realizing that Billy Showalter wanted an answer. Griffin absently nodded his head hoping he took it as a sign of agreement.
"Okay well, we don't have much time left, but I know Mr.Harmon wanted this to be a more out-of-classroom assignment, so here..." He paused, ripping off the corner of his paper." is my number." He handed the piece of paper to Griffin. It seemed Griffin thought that he wanted something. Griffin wasn't going to ask though in the chance that Billy Showalter didn't want to ask him for something. Then he heard a quieter voice, it sounded like he was talking to an animal, and Griffin hated it. "Could I have your number too?"
Oh, how Griffin hated him. Didn't he understand since I have his number, I can contact him when I need to? Griffin thought, I mean I was going to throw his number away, Griffin laughed to himself. He mumbled a quick "yeah," without even realizing it. He wrote his number and handed it to Billy Showalter. And again Billy Showalter gave him a sincere smile.
It seemed the high school gods were done tormenting him for the bell rang not even a second later. Griffin began picking up his bag and computer case. throughout his entire cleanup, picking up all of his stuff, he felt eyes upon him, and for once he didn't care because he was leaving. He was going to World Geo, and frankly, no one in that class bothered him, being that it was only him and four other students. As he left the room, one backward glance met him with eyes that weren't quite brown or green, so Griffin decided to call them Hazel and be done with the whole affair. Griffin decided then he did not care about Billy Showalter's eyes.
~~~
Griffin always parked his bike around the back of the school, hidden behind the dumpster. So at the end of each day, he'd walk around the school, pull his bike out, and begin pedaling home. Griffin liked taking the long way home through the straight back roads, better than the uphill main road that would lead him almost directly home. There were multiple reasons for this, one being he hated riding uphill, but most importantly, He liked looking at the people's houses along the back street, and he liked looking at the businesses. Perhaps it just fit him all too well, being a person who thought he hardly had his own life. It fit him he thought, snooping in on other people's lives. It doesn't matter why I enjoy it though, I just do. Griffin thought.
Griffin thought a good lot of people could learn something from simply walking down their street, or riding if you had a bike. Over his two-years riding to high school, he had learned that Mrs.Colin, a women who he had only learned the name of recently, grew a garden one which she prided to be the best in town. Through countless times riding past her house, Griffin could often overhear Her yelling about such gardening things. Griffin thought when he was older if he didn't have such a beautiful garden then there'd have been no point in living so long. He had learned that Mr.Toel had an affair. He had learned this upon riding past his house and seeing Mrs.Toel throwing his undergarments out onto the street, yelling "Show her to me, show me the other women, do you truly think she's better than me," Mr.Toel stood next to her all quiet and Griffin reckoned he wanted to say yes, she is better than you because she doesn't throw my underwear on the street. Griffin thus began pedaling home, quite fast after that incident. He had learned many things about lots of people, he liked having these secrets, not that they were secrets, but Griffin liked feeling important.
It's odd Griffin thought, I'm one of the smartest kids in my grade, yet that doesn't make me feel special, pretending I know these people does. Griffin stopped thinking about that for it made him feel so very pathetic and very friendless. But of course, that's what he was. Pathetically friendless.