Work Text:
It was evening. To be precise, a Saturday night. Usually, a bustling night full of excitement, joy and surprises. A night full of uncertainty but thrill, with highs and lows to ensue.
Typically, for Doppo, it was one of his busiest days, with the constant nagging of phone ringing or his boss breathing down his neck while adding more work to his pile of untouched office documents to be distributed. However! His boss had decided today, of all days, would be the day he was forced out of work, as the higher ups and had decided he was working too much overtime and it looked bad. Horrible even. To Doppo, he found this ridiculous considering he was so familiar with the routine of being a corporate slave, in which he mindlessly awoke and dragged himself in a blue to his monotone office while the world passed by him unknowingly.
Tonight, his and Hifumi’s apartment was heavy with one thing: silence. Silence that quite frankly suffocated him, and he hated it. Doppo had arrived home just as Hifumi was leaving for his host club job, which was rare as they tended to never get many opportunities to come face to face on work days… usually a Sunday was their perfect day to hang out! But now, Doppo was left in solitude in the small yet, somehow,cosy living room apartment listening to the faded out chattering of the television, not exactly sure what was currently being conversed on the screen in front of him. He wore a short sleeved grey shirt and a black pair of shorts, apparently such simple outfits made Hifumi happy despite the display of Doppo’s disfigured, uneven and disgusting body. He didn’t like to dwell on it too long, but if it made Hifumi happy, then he’d gladly wear it to surprise him whenever he got the chance. Without work and too much free time, what was there for Doppo to do? It was far too early to sleep, his schedule would be completely thrown off…Hifumi wasn’t here, so they couldn’t cuddle and talk about their day.
His mind began to drift on the topic of Hifumi, and what he’d be doing right now. He liked to think about what woukd Hifumi be currently doing at the time, it lifted him up a lot! To imagine his cute partner freely going about his day, even if it was just mundane things.. it made Doppo happy. Anything Hifumi did made Doppo happy, despite his lack in conversing this feeling to his partner. He’d be with clients, right? Of course, it was part of his job, conversing with intrigued girls and guys interested in his persona, a persona that hid his true self, a self only Doppo knew and cherished. Sure, Hifumi had been in the host club game for a long time now, and sure, Doppo was confident in his abilities to survive each brutal night of swooning clients, but Doppo couldn’t help but worry.
Couldn’t help but sit and bite his nails subconsciously as he thought of every possible bad outcome.
Couldn’t help but let anxiety swell up inside him with no prompt.
Couldn’t help but let himself fall victim to his darkening thoughts that clawed at his subconscious as he sat with glazed eyes, zoning in and out of reality as worries shook his core and gnawed at what was left of him.
Ah.. but Hifumi was alright, right? After all, he’s a strong guy. He’s gone through so much, yet still stands proudly. Unlike the latter, Doppo, who can’t even hold himself together for 10 minutes. How pathetic…
A shaky sigh slipped from Doppo as he continued to ponder, beginning to think such unusual thoughts tbag emerged from the darkness of his mind: would Hifumi get tired of this gloomy Doppo? Would he realise Doppo is holding him back? Was it worth being dragged down to live with Doppo? Let alone breathe the same toxic, disgusting air as him? The thoughts continued to form, and Doppo didn’t hesitate once. He was used to this overthinking. It was normal, after all, he had been put down so many times, what was the point in trying to recover when someone would come along to throw that all away? Now, his body had begun to shake and quiver, yet he had not mentally registered this yet and silently sat with heavy breaths as his thoughts ate at him, leaving him an empty, hollow shell for the evening.
It was a blur, fading in and out of consciousness, but at some point, he had slowly stood up and wobbled to their shared bathroom. It was so clean, and organised - but that was all Hifumi’s doing. Without Hifumi, he’d crumble. Without Hifumi, he’d probably wither away and succumb to the darkness that tore him to pieces mentally everyday. Right now, without Hifumi, he was falling apart. He couldn’t think straight, he was swaying. His hands frantically roamed through the silver drawers of items, full of essentials needed for a bathroom like their face towers and so on. His mindless searching finally served a purpose when Doppo’s hand grasped hold on a razor blade - one from an eyebrow shaver. One of Hifumi’s, to be precise. It was weird, he thought, how something so simple could be used on himself. Intriguing, right?
Without even pausing, Doppo collapsed to the floor and moved the weapon to his arm, inflicting harm upon himself as if he was simply scratching at his arm. It was inhumane, but he was inhumane. Hifumi wouldn’t mind, right? He deserved this. He needed this. He couldn’t protect Hifumi, let alone himself. It was pathetic.
He was pathetic.
He continued to savagely attack his once violated arm, scars of the past being awoken from their healing as they cried out spots of blood that then formed to streams of red wails; a cry for help. As he continued, it began to.. sting? Was it the pain, he thought? Or was it the tears that had began not so long ago?
Oh.. he was crying? Why? He did not deserve to cry like this, he should not be displaying such emotions at the self pitying thoughts that swallowed him in the moment. It hurt, he thought, it hurt. He wanted to be comforted but he knew it’d bother someone, bother someone like Hifumi had worse problems in his life, yet here he was, like a feeble animal, fighting in the last moments of its life.
The tears fought more, and filled his dull eyes. There was a blurred figure frantically approaching him suddenly, bags falling behind the said figure. He was slow, and slowly came to the realisation of who was embracing him while frantically trying to talk over stutters in the fear of what he had witnessed.
Oh… Hifumi.. he had seen it now…
His ears were ringing, yet he could slowly hear the sounds surrounding him seep back into his mind. It was unusual, right? To be this worthless.
Cries, he heard cries.
“Doppo…please talk to me…” Hifumi sobbed out, his warmth engulfing the lost Doppo who laid stiffly in his embrace. “I’m sorry.. I should’ve been here I should’ve-“ He hiccuped and sobbed more, sniffles and sobs filling the bathroom. In his arms, Doppo silently sobbed that he had to witness such a sorry sight. With the effort he mustered up, he croaked out “I’m sorry” before crying more himself, not sure how to possibly make Hifumi feel better than he had to see such a disgusting side of himself.
An unloveable, unforgiving side of himself.
“I’m- .. I’m going to tend to your arm, alright Doppo..?” Hifumi coughed out, cautiously moving away from Doppo and holding his hands before gently helping his partner stand up and be positioned to sit on the side of their small bathtub. The blonde haired man shuffled to their cabinet that contained many essential items in aiding injuries, as he knew Doppo had suffered with such incidents like this in the past. Of course, he always managed to get it past the stage of needing help from Hifumi, but they still talked about it and the host tried his uttermost hardest to always prevent such incidents of relapsing from repeating. Grabbing disinfect wipes and bandages, Hifumi kneeled beside Doppo and cleaned his arm gently before caressing the latters arms and carefully wrapping the painful wound with care. Throughout the procedure, Doppo had winced a few times, which despite made Hifumi more upset, made him glad Doppo could still feel.
He was still here, still living and feeling, as he should. It was a relief, really.
“You can talk to me about it whenever you’re ready, alright? No pressure, Doppochin. I love you.” Hifumi breathed out, leaning up to kiss Doppo’s forehead to ensure his partner felt the love and care that filled every inch of his body.
Once having tended to the injury, Hifumi led Doppo to his room where the pair then gently fell into the bed and embraced each other. For a while, Doppo didn’t talk. Hifumi didn’t intend on sleeping until Doppo was at rest, so instead he stay put and resorted to running him thumb over Doppo’s soft cheek.
“I’m sorry..” Doppo quietly let out, eyes avoiding Hifumi’s own loving one. He let out a soft sigh and continued to caress Doppo’s face, admiring every beauty mark or freckle or imperfection Doppo had. “Want to talk about it now? I won’t judge, I care about you. I want to help you.” Hifumi hummed in response, smiling at Doppo the convey his message that he simply wanted to be there for him; to convey his love for Doppo. For a moment, the red-head hesitated before letting out a sigh himself. “I was with my own thoughts for too long, I guess I started overthinking too much and dug my own grave.” Doppo mumbled, before letting out a heaved laugh. “I guess I can’t last one moment without being suffocated by my own work, huh?” He smiled, but it was painful. The corner of his eyes crinkled, and Hifumi frowned. “You should’ve called, you know I can be here in a heartbeat.” Doppo shuffled uncomfortably, but decided to move closer to lean against Hifumi’s chest for warmth regardless. “I’m sorry. I guess I hold so much resentment for myself…. I’m too dependent on you…” Doppo sighed, frowning as he thought on the past events where he heavily relied on Hifumi for a personally embarrassing amount of times. He hated being a bother. Hifumi wriggled his hand out from behind Doppo and gently flicked the others forehead. “Silly Doppochin, you seem to forget how much I love you sometimes. And yes, even if you’re gloomy, I love you all the same.” Hifumi smiled, and Doppo couldn’t help but return a weak smile. Times like these made him realise Hifumi may just love him even despite his instability, and his myriad of insecurities and weaknesses. “Tomorrow, let’s hang out all day, alright?” Hifumi added on, nuzzling himself closer to Doppo. “Mhm, yeah…I’d- .. I’d like that, a lot.” Doppo responded back quietly, letting out a content sigh as he let his body and soul be embraced by Hifumi’s warmth and light.
Maybe it wasn’t so bad after all, having these lows, if it meant the highs would be so much better with Hifumi by his side.
“I love you, Doppo.” Hifumi softly sang out as he placed a kiss on the back of Doppo’s messy, yet soft, hair. “I love you too, Hifumi..” Doppo responded with a yawn, before progressively drifting off in the safety of his partners arms. Content with what he had achieved tonight at least, Hifumi followed and allowed himself to be taken by the night and succumb to sleep.
Even if it was small steps, he’d make sure Doppo knew how much he loved him. How much he was grateful. How much he was thankful he had the opportunity to grow up with someone such as Doppo.
Doppo saved him years ago when he needed it so badly, and now it was Hifumi’s turn to return the favour.