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"Why the fuck am I here?" Jisung sings into his microphone.
The music stops, causing everyone to freeze. Minho, Changbin, Hyunjin, and Chan turn to glare at Jisung, who messed up one of their few good takes for the rehearsal. Felix, Seungmin, and Jeongin turn to the staff and back up dancers and apologize on Jisung's behalf.
It's Christmas Eve, eve and the boys are doing a last-minute rehearsal for their Christmas eve performance. The whole ordeal is last minute. They were told last week that they were scheduled to appear on the show and if they canceled last minute, it'd look bad. With everything else going on, nothing was prepared. Flights home had to be canceled, staff members had to be called back, and songs had to be rearranged.
Nobody was more pissed off than Jisung about the scheduling mishap. This year, he was planning on going home with you for Christmas and to meet your parents. There were so many scheduling conflicts that he just never had the opportunity and he knew how much this meant to you. It broke his heart when he had to call you, crying, saying that he had to cancel, yet again.
"We get that you're mad but fucking up the song isn't going to do anything but piss us all off!" Chan yells, finally at his breaking point with Jisung.
"I'm sick and tired of this! I have to miss out on yet another thing that's important to Y/n because whoever is in charge of our schedule can't keep their shit straight. And if In can't pick up the choreography or if Felix can't get his cues right, we're never getting it right. So we should just give up now and go home." He responds into the mic, making sure everyone hears him.
Both Felix and Jeongin's heads drop to the floor before they turn back to the staff and apologize for their mistakes. Hyunjin and Seungmin go to comfort their respective maknaes. Jisung's sudden outburst only causes the older members to get angry, including Minho, who mostly tolerates Jisung's tantrums.
"Dude, don't blame Yongbok or In for anything! We've all made mistakes, you especially! Maybe if you focused on your lyrics and dancing, then we could go home and you could bitch and moan to Y/n on the phone like you've been doing all week!" Changbin shouts as he gets in Jisung's face.
"What, are you going to hit me? Because I'm right? Because you and everyone else is too scared to say it?" Jisung taunts, closing the gap between him and Changbin.
Chan quickly jumps in between them, pushing Changbin away from Jisung. He could tell by the tension brewing between the two of them that if he doesn't stop them now, this could only end one way: with Jisung flat on his back while Changbin, for the first time in his life, towering over him.
"Maybe we should take a break, yeah?" Chan tries to calm the two of them down.
"No, fuck this. I'm going home." Jisung hops off the makeshift stage and grabs his things from the front row, making sure to toss in his water bottles and phone.
“You know, you’re not the only one who had to cancel plans, right? We all had to cancel flights and trips home.” Minho says softly, trying to calm down the younger man.
“So why am I the only one upset?” He shouts causing Felix and Jeongin to jump. The backup dancers take this as a sign to leave the practice room, not wanting to be witnesses to the shitstorm that has been brewing since they started rehearsing two days ago.
"Hannie--"
“You’re not the only one who's upset, but you’re the only one not shutting the fuck up about it!” Changbin shouts again, the sudden emptiness in the room amplifies his already booming voice.
"Just let him leave. Then we wouldn't have to hear him bitch and moan anymore. One of us can just cover all of his parts tomorrow. Like we always do." Hyunjin breathes, finally having enough of Jisung's attitude.
"Hyunjin--"
"He's right. Tomorrow you guys can send out an announcement that I'm sick and then after the holidays, you guys can send out another notice announcing my departure from the group." Jisung climbs the fake stage again, the only exit for the practice room being in the back.
"Hyung--"
"--I think we're all a little tired and frustrated right now so maybe we should--"
"No, no, it's perfect. You guys can just cover all my parts for every song that we have. Hyunjin can just take my spot in 3racha since I'm clearly not needed here anymore. Right? Since I'm such a pain in the ass."
"Han, why don't we--"
"--Jisung, that's not--"
"--Nobody said anything like that--"
Jisung turns to leave the group, waving off his members' pleas.
"Where are you going?" Chan asks, trying, yet again, to de-escalate the situation.
"I'm going back to the dorm, packing my shit, and leaving." Jisung, who is halfway to the door, spins around to face his soon-to-be former group members. "You’ve all made it clear that I’m nothing but a problem. And Hyunjin made it very, very clear that you guys can just replace me so—"
“I didn’t say that you m—“
"If he wants to leave, let him leave. There's no use fighting with him. You know his stubborn ass isn't worth arguing with right now." Seungmin walks over to Hyunjin and places a hand on his shoulder, trying to at least calm him down.
"Thank you so much for that, Seungmin. Really helpful." Chan sighs, side-eyeing the second youngest member of the group. He hesitates for a second before approaching Jisung. "Why don’t we just call it for tonight? It’s late. We’re tired. We can run this in the morning."
“You guys can run this again in the morning. I’m done,” Jisung shouts as he storms out of the rehearsal space, slamming the door behind him.
***
Jisung spent the whole drive back to the dorm trying to book a flight to your parents’ house. The earliest flight he could find wouldn’t leave until late Christmas Eve night and, with the number of layovers, wouldn’t bring him to you until the day after Christmas. Distraught, annoyed, and exhausted all he could do was pack whatever he could, take a shower, and try to get some sleep.
Sleep didn't come easily for Jisung. He was mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausted but still restless. Fighting with his brothers never felt good. The eight of them went through hell together. Jisung knew that there wouldn't be anyone else besides them who would understand exactly what he was feeling. But, thanks to Hyunjin, the idea that they could just easily replace him didn't sit well with him either. He knows that it shouldn't have escalated to that, but at the same time, he was only saying what needed to be said. Hyunjin is the one who escalated things.
Eventually, Jisung decided that taking a sleeping pill would be the only way he was going to get any sleep. So he takes the pill, washing it down with one of the water bottles by his bedside. He climbs back into bed, turning the picture he has of you to face him, and quickly drifts off to sleep.
BANG
Jisung jumps up, his heart pounding in his ribcage. He looks around his dark room, unsure of what made that noise. After a second, he grabs his phone, quickly dismissing the missed calls and texts from everyone to check the time. 12:00 AM
"You've got to be kidding me," He groans as he flops back into his bed. He only slept for about an hour.
Bang, bang, bang
Jisung mentally curses out all three of his roommates, who only want to piss him off further tonight. Why they feel the need to make so much noise right now is beyond him. He's almost certain it's just Hyunjin and his temper being pettier than normal.
BANG, BANG
Mentally preparing for round two of fighting with Changbin and Hyunjin, Jisung climbs out of bed. He makes his way over to his door. His heart pounds louder in his chest, this time out of anxiety rather than fear like when he woke up. He takes a deep breath before pulling his door open.
"What is your guys'-- What the hell?" Jisung is left confused as he's met with the darkness of the dorm. Not a single soul in sight.
Brushing it off as a prank, or even as the boys are scared of his reaction and hiding, he slams his door shut and walks back to his bed. He settles back in, covering himself with his blanket, and attempts to fall back asleep.
Knock, knock
Jisung, annoyed, rips his blanket off before stomping back to the door
"Can you guys just grow the fuck u--...Jagiya?" Jisung nearly passes out when he sees your face on the other side of his door. You're not supposed to be here. You're supposed to be back home with your parents. So why are you standing outside of his bedroom at midnight?
"Not exactly," You answer softly.
A strange, white light illuminates you, the rest of the door pitch black behind you. A pair of over-the-ear headphones are locked around your neck. Chains wrap around your body like a boa constrictor. He almost can't see the all-white outfit that you're wearing. You walk--no float into his room, causing him to stumble back.
"What the fuck?" He asks in disbelief.
"You swear a lot, do you know that?" The you, that is not exactly you, asks.
"I'm dreaming. I have to be dreaming." Jisung mutters to himself. He squeezes his eyes shut and shakes his head. "Yeah, this is just some weird side effect from the sleeping pill. And instead of the hat man, I'm seeing Y/n."
Jisung slowly opens his eyes to find his room empty. He lets out a sigh of relief as he closes the door and walks back to his bed. He climbs in one last time and shuts his eyes, ready to return to sleep.
Clang, clang, clang
Jisung quickly opens his eyes only to find not-you hovering over him. Literally.
"Ah! What the fuck?" He screams, sitting up in his bed. Had Changbin, Chan, and Hyunjin been home, they would have been startled awake by his sudden terror.
"There you go with the swearing again. I should try to fix that too," The not-you thinks as you float down to sit on his bed with him.
"What the fu--what the hell are you?" He asks, pressing his hand to his chest to try to settle his heart. He can't remember what it feels like to have a normal heartbeat.
"Still a swear but I'll let it slide since you're trying to censor yourself." Not-you climbs off the bed and starts looking around the messy room. "I'm a spirit of sorts."
"A spirit? Does that mean that Y/n is..." He can't bring himself to finish the question.
"No, no. Y/n is safe and sound. I'm merely borrowing their voice and likeness since it may be the only way to get you to pay attention to me." Not-you picks up one of the crumpled pieces of paper from Jisung's desk and starts reading it.
"Then...am I dead? Oh my god, the sleeping pills." He panics. He knows he's had the bottle for a while, but he didn't think they were expired or anything.
"Relax, Jisung. You can't overdose on a single sleeping pill. You're still alive and well."
"There why is there a ghost in my room?"
"Not a ghost, a spirit. Two completely different things. A common misconception though, so I don't blame you for your incompetence."
"Why. Are. You. Here?"
"Still a little moody I see." Not-you pulls out the chair from Jisung's desk and sits on it. "I'm here to stop you from making a mistake."
"And what mistake is that?" Jisung relaxes a bit.
"Ruining Christmas,"
"My Christmas is already ruined, so fuck Christmas."
"Is that your favorite word or something?"
"I'll show you my favorite words in a second if you don't start explaining."
"Jeez, that temper of yours really is something. I'm surprised you didn't blow up on your friends sooner."
"You don't get it. I--"
"I know why you blew up and that person is next on my list of people to visit. But don't you think you're exaggerating a bit? You're going to throw away years of hard work just because you didn't get your way?"
"That's not--You're uncomplicating things a bit."
"Hm, am I? Because, from what I saw, you overcomplicated them." Not-you spins around in the desk chair, much to Jisung's irritation.
"You don't understand--"
"What I do understand is that you're on track to derail millions of lives."
"What the fuck are you talking about?"
"I really should do something about that mouth of yours while I'm here."
"Y/n--no, not Y/n. Spirit, what are you talking about?" Jisung gets off his bed and finally confronts not-you.
"See, I could tell you. But I think it'd stick better if I just let my friends show you."
"Friends? More spirits are coming?"
Not-you looks at the clock in the corner of the room before getting up. Not-you starts walking to the door to leave.
"Not spirits, ghosts. Three of them, actually. The first one should be here in under an hour."
"What?"
"Have fun Jisung," Not-you winks before disappearing through the door.
***
KNOCK
Jisung isn't sure when or how he fell asleep but less than an hour later he was being woken up again by a single loud knock. He checks the clock on his phone, groaning at the fact that it's only one in the morning now.
"You're a punctual ghost, huh?" Jisung mumbles as he gets up. He's not sure why he's going along with what the first spirit said. He's almost convinced that he's dreaming. Hell, this could all be some elaborate hallucination for all he knows.
When Jisung opens his bedroom door, he finds nothing but the black void of the dorm yet again. Getting annoyed, he closes the door and turns around, ready to go back to his bed.
“Oh, what the fuck?” Jisung jumps up, nearly slamming himself into the door as he jumps up.
In front of him is another not-you. You when you were a child. He didn’t know you back then. He’s only seen pictures of you when you were small. He’d often look at pictures of you when you were a kid and imagine what your kids would look like.
“You said a bad word.” Little not-you giggles.
“What are you? Like 11? I was swearing like a sailor when I was your age.” Jisung sighs as he regains his composure.
“I’m 9, thank you very much. And yeah, I know. You were a bad kid.” Little not-you starts to wander around Jisung’s room.
“You know?” Jisung furrows his eyebrows together as he follows little not-you, making sure they don’t break anything or fall.
“Yeah! I’m the ghost of Christmas past! I know lots and lots about the past.” Little not-you picks up a snow globe that sits on Jisung's desk and starts playing with it.
“So we’re going to look back on my past Christmases?” Jisung takes the snow globe out of little not-you’s hands and puts it where they can’t reach, causing them to pout. Cute, you still scrunch your nose like that.
“Hm, Marley says you’re a special case so we’re just going to go to the past. That’s why Marley made me come in this form. They said you’d be nicer to me but I think Marley lied because you’re still a big old meanie.”
“Who the fuck is Marley?” Jisung asks, causing little not-you to quickly cover their ears.
“Someone should wash your mouth out with soap.”
“Sorry, sorry. Who is Marley?” Jisung crouches down to little not-you’s eye level, placing his hand on their head.
"Marley? The spirit you met before I got here. Wow, normally They introduce themselves but I guess-- Oh no! We got to go, we're running out of time. I'm going to get in so much trouble with Marley!" Little not-you grabs Jisung's hand and drags him to his bedroom door. He has no choice but to follow them.
As they cross the threshold, Jisung is confused as the cool, dark dorm turns into a humid, bright room. No, not room, classroom. The humidity and the layout of the classroom feel familiar to Jisung. He scans the empty classroom until his eyes land on a desk.
"Why are we here?" Jisung asks calmly, not breaking his eye contact from the desk.
"You need to see something." Little not-you responds.
"I don't need to see anything. Why are we here?" Jisung raises his voice a little, still being mindful that he's talking to a child.
Little not-you stays quiet, not letting go of Jisung's hand. Before little not-you or Jisung can say anything else, someone walks into the room. Jisung recognizes his 14-year-old self, much to his dismay. He remembers it all, almost like it was yesterday. The awkward hair his mother gave him back in their kitchen that his brother said would make him look good if he got it. His uniform that was passed down from his brother didn't fit well but was told he would grow into it. The clear-framed glasses that made his eyes look small and were a bit bigger than his face. The feeling of his braces in his mouth. Being one of the shorter kids in his class. The deafening whispers that seemed to follow him everywhere. And while it feels like it was yesterday, it was nearly 10 years ago.
Younger Jisung quietly walks to the desk in the furthest part of the room, right by the window. His over-the-ear headphones sit on his head, playing his music slightly too loud. He pulls out a notebook from his backpack that present-day Jisung recognizes immediately. His old lyric book.
"Hey, you idiot, put that away!" Present day Jisung yells at his younger self.
"He can't hear you. This is just a memory, we're not really here." Little not-you says quietly.
"Why are we here?" He asks again.
"Shh, something's happening." Jisung instinctively squeezes little not-you's hand.
A group of three boys loudly come into the classroom. Younger Jisung doesn't hear them come in. His music is too loud and his face is buried in his notebook. Present day Jisung bites his tongue, fighting the urge to warn himself about what's about to happen. He knows there's no use, he isn't going to hear him anyway. Present day Jisung's heart pounds in his body as it slowly sinks to the pit of his stomach.
The boys spot younger Jisung and make their way to him, whispering something. As they make their way over to him, present-day Jisung finally lets go of little not-you's hand and runs to block their path. He closes his eyes, waiting for them to bump into him. Instead, he feels nothing as they walk through him.
"I told you," Little not-you comes up beside him, "we're not actually here."
"Yeah but--"
"Hey! Give that back!" Younger Jisung's voice cuts off present-day Jisung, causing him to whip his head behind him.
The tallest of the group of boys is now holding the lyric book. Younger Jisung tries to grab the notebook back, but he's too slow. The taller boy turns out of the way, causing younger Jisung to stumble. His two friends quickly move to hold Jisung back.
"What do we have here?" The taller boy asks, flipping through the notebook.
"None of your fucking business! Give that back!" Jisung struggles against the other two boys' grip on him. The sudden swear causes little not-you to gasp in shock.
"Wait, I can read any of this. What is this your diary or something?" The taller boy asks, dangling the notebook in front of younger Jisung.
Present-day Jisung smirks, remembering his pure stroke of genius. He wrote all of his lyrics in Korean, knowing none of his classmates would be able to read his writing. It was one of his rarer big-brain moments.
"Oh yeah, totally. It has every single detail of when I spent last night with your mom." Younger Jisung spits, still wrestling against the other two boys.
"You fucking idiot," Present-day Jisung mutters under his breath.
The taller boy didn't like that answer. His face quickly turns red as he swiftly punches younger Jisung in the gut. Younger Jisung hunches over, the wind being knocked out of him. The other two boys let go, allowing younger Jisung's body to slump to the ground as he held his stomach.
RIP
Younger Jisung's head snaps up at the sound, silently praying that what he thinks is happening is, well, isn't happening. His body runs cold, sending a chill down his spine.
RIP
The taller boy rips out another page from the notebook and hands it to his friends. The two friends rip up the pages more, letting them trickle down to the floor.
"Stop it!" Younger Jisung yells. Still in pain, he grabs onto the taller one's legs.
"What the...?" The taller boy shakes' younger Jisung off his leg. Once he's free he delivers a swift kick in younger Jisung's direction, making a direct connection with his stomach. Present day Jisung grabs his stomach, remembering the pain from that day.
As younger Jisung whiters in pain on the floor, the three boys continue to rip out pages from the notebook.
"Please...stop," Younger Jisung cries out, his face becoming wet with tears. Whether they're from pain or watching years of work being reduced to shreds is something that even present-day Jisung doesn't know.
After a few minutes, the taller boy throws the nearly empty notebook at younger Jisung, hitting him square in the face. He kicks him one more time, this time on this side, before stepping over him. One of his friends follows suit by kicking him in the side again and stepping over him. The last boy, being a free-thinker apparently, spits at younger Jisung before stepping over him and following his friends.
Covered in spit, tears, and a little bit of blood on his lips from the book hitting him in the mouth and getting caught on his braces, younger Jisung lets out a frustrated, angry scream.
Present day Jisung slowly walks over to his younger self, crouching down beside him. He gently places his hand on his younger self's head. He knows he can't actually feel it nor would younger him would get any comfort.
"You must have been so lonely," Little not-you whispers. Jisung looks up to find little not-you with their eyes rimmed with tears.
"I was fine. I had friends. Those three fu--those three punks ended up getting expelled a few weeks later. One of my classmates saw them beat the ever-living crap out of me. And, the following year, I was training at JYP so it was fine in the end." He moves out of the way as his younger self gets up and starts picking up the pieces of paper off the floor.
"B-but you didn't know that back then," Little not-you sniffles.
"Why did you bring me here? To this moment?" Jisung asks.
"Don't you remember," Little not-you whips their face "this was the day you decided you were going to move back to Korea and train seriously. You spent weeks convincing your parents to let you."
"So you brought me back here because--"
"Oh man, we don't have much time left. We have one more place to go."
Little not-you runs up to Jisung and grabs his hand, dragging him through the classroom doors before he can even protest. Instead of walking into the hallway, they walk into the familiar practice rooms at the old JYPE building.
"I know you don't like swearing but I'm going to start if you don't tell me why we're back in this building." Jisung whines.
He remembers the smell of the room the most. The sweat of every trainee who ever set foot in the room. Almost like it was absorbed into the walls. The state smell of vomit and the faint smell of the cleaning solution that would be used to clean the vomit. And the room is hot. The air conditioning never worked properly in this practice room and the fans only circulated the heat.
A young Jisung sits on the floor, back pressed against the practice room mirror. Younger Seungmin and Felix sit on his left, a speaker on his right. The speaker plays the backing track to a song Jisung remembers using for a monthly evaluation. Seungmin is scribbling something in a notebook while Felix is reading a textbook. Hyunjin stands in the middle of the room, holding a paper. Jeongin is probably with the four oldest members in one of the other practice rooms.
Jisung remembers practices being like this. In would go with the older members so they could help him since they were a bit more experienced while the '00 liners practiced together. Chan thought that the four middle members could use the time to settle their differences while helping each other.
"Jesus, do you know how to enunciate? You sound like you're trying to talk with a bunch of marbles in your mouth." Younger Jisung tells Hyunjin as he pauses the music.
Hyunjin clenches his fist, looking up at the stained ceiling as he tries to calm himself down. Both Seungmin and Felix squirm uncomfortably as they can sense yet another fight between the two oldest in the room.
"I am trying. Maybe if you actually try to teach me instead of sitting on your ass we could move on." Hyunjin breathes through his teeth.
"I don't know what you want me to do, Hyunjin. I can't teach talent."
"Teach talent? I'm going to teach you something in a second if you don't shut up." Hyunjin slightly crumbles the lyric sheet in his hand.
"How can you teach me anything? The only reason you're even at this company is because someone just happened to think you're pretty. They got lucky that you can actually dance." Younger Jisung stands up.
"Hey Han, that's not--"
"Hey, Felix, how about you talk to me when you can string together a proper sentence in Korean." Younger Jisung snaps, turning around to face Felix. "Do you want me to say that slower? In English maybe?"
"Wow, you were a jerk." Little not-you says.
"Please don't. I'm already dying inside." Present-day Jisung groans.
"Jisung--"
"What, Seungmin? What are you two even doing here? You're writing in your diary again and Felix is practicing to read at a second-grade level."
"Leave Felix alone, Han."
"Why don't you hop off my dick and focus on rapping better, Hyunjin?"
"Rap better?" Hyunjin scoffs, "Why don't you focus on dancing better, maybe we would actually debut."
"Do you two have to have this argument every day?"
"Shut up, Seungmin!" They shout in unison, causing the youngest of the quartet to wince.
"I promise you, my dancing isn't an issue. Why are you even here? Chan only asked you to be in the group because you're such a clear visual."
"Say one more thing about me being pretty or a visual. I dare you." Hyunjin steps closer, closing the gap between them.
"I'm going to get Chan hyung," Felix says getting up from his spot and running out the door.
"Yeah, go ahead and run to dad, Felix!"
"Leave him alone, Jisung," Hyunjin warns.
"Oh, you're using my first name. I'm real scared."
"Can you two just stop fighting and take this seriously? We're supposed to be training for next week's evaluations." Seungmin gets up from his spot and walks over to Hyunjin and younger Jisung. He knows they're not going to start fighting physically, but with the way they've been at each other's throats recently, it's only a matter of time.
"I am taking this seriously! And I feel like I'm the only one who is."
"Can we go home?" Present Jisung asks, having enough of being in the past. He looks down at little not-you. They're staring at the scene, refusing to look away.
"Do you think you were a jerk back then because you were scared?" They ask, completely ignoring Jisung.
Younger Chan bursts into the room with Felix in tow just as younger Jisung pushes Hyunjin. Felix grabs Hyunjin just before he can push Jisung back. Chan walks over to Jisung and holds him back, just in case.
"What would I have been scared of?" Jisung tries to let go of little not-you's hand but they tighten their grip.
The scene continues to play out in front of them but no sound comes. The four remaining members pour into the room, trying to see what's going on. Chan is yelling, causing some of the younger members to wince while Hyunjin and younger Jisung glare at each other. Jisung can barely remember the speech that Chan gave that day. But he remembers it weighing on his mind for a while. Something about them having to get their shit together.
"You were lonely back in Malaysia. You came back to Korea to train. You made friends with Chan and Changbin while you guys did 3racha and then you were put into a trial group with six other people and you felt like it could work."
"What does that have to do with--"
"But you also felt that a lot of the other members weren't putting in the same amount of effort as you and that would have been the group's downfall. You were a jerk to everyone in your group because you were scared that the trial group was going to be your only chance at debuting. You trained for a little bit but you didn't want to be one of those trainees who were training for a large chunk of their life."
"Wait a second--"
"Ah, I have to take you back." Little not-you pulls towards the door the members just walked through.
Jisung takes one more look at his younger self as he crosses the threshold. His tense jaw, squinted eyes, gritted teeth--He remembers that ander. He remembers feeling that angry all the time back then. It slowly consumed him during his training days. It even consumed him the first couple of years after they debuted. It was almost like his best friend, the anger.
"What was the point in those two memories?" Jisung asks as he finally wiggles his hand out of little not-you's grasp.
"It's a secret," Little not-you sing songs as they explore Jisung’s room.
“Hey, kid, tell me,” He runs his hand through his hair, getting frustrated, “why did you make me relive those moments?”
“You didn’t relive them! You watched. Like a TV show.” Little not-you hops onto Jisung’s bed.
“I’m going to start swearing,”
“No!”
“Tell me!”
Little not-you pouts, crossing their arms. Having enough, Jisuung walks over to his bed and picks up little not-you. He doesn’t think about the fact that he’s holding a ghost or that he held hands with one earlier. His main concern is going back to sleep and trying to push the rest of the night out of his head.
Little not-you pouts, crossing their arms. Having enough, Jisuung walks over to his bed and picks up little not-you. He doesn’t think about the fact that he’s holding a ghost or that he held hands with one earlier. His main concern is going back to sleep and trying to push the rest of the night out of his head.
He sets little not-you down at his desk before stomping back to his bed. He climbs under his covers, pulling his blanket over his head. His heart, which feels like it never stopped racing, begins to settle in his chest. He’s overwhelmed, yes, but the feeling of his weighted blanket on his body and thick comforter on his bed starts to make him feel better as he lies in his safety cocoon.
Jisung loved living in Malaysia, but some moments of it were repressed in the deepest crevices of his mind. He only liked to remember the good parts like going to the mall and eating some of his favorite dishes while joking with his friends. He never wanted to think about the people who made him want to leave. Who made his life hell. And while he tried to forget, he regretted everything thing about his pre-debut, trainee self. He knew he was in the wrong most of the time. None of his members deserved any of that.
“‘I'm clearly not needed here anymore.’” Jisung hears a little voice say.
“What?” He asks, not taking the blanket off of his head.
“That’s what you said yesterday when you got into an argument with your group members, right?” The voice gets closer.
“…What does that have to do with anything?” Jisung thinks. None what what he just saw has anything to do with what happened yesterday. Right?
“I can’t tell you that. I already broke one rule and Marley is scary when they’re mad. Just think about it. I have to go now. Your next visitor should be here soon."
And just like that, the room is still. The only sound, other than his breathing, that Jisung can hear is the low, muffled hum from the heater. The heat from the room and the weight of the blanket quickly force him to drift back to sleep.
***
KNOCK, KNOCK
"I'm throwing out those fucking sleeping pills, I swear to god," Jisung mumbles to himself as he stumbles out of bed. He looks up at the clock on his desk.
2:45 am
At least he got a bit of sleep this time. Still, exhausted both mentally and physically, he crawls to his bedroom door to let in the next ghost.
"Since you guys are ghosts, can't you just...walk through the doors or something?" He groans as he collapses to the floor.
"Believe me, I wish we could, but we're not allowed to anymore. Gave one too many people heart attacks. Marley would rip us a new one if we scared another person to death." Jisung's ears perk up at the sound of your voice.
He quickly looks up to find you, no another not-you staring up at him. It's you, exactly how you look now, but with some sort of wreath-like flower crown on your head and a weird green fuzzy robe. On a normal person, the outfit would look weird, but you make it work.
Note to self, find out in real life for Y/n. Jisung thinks.
"You've killed people?" Jisung gulps, suddenly scared of what he's gotten himself into.
"Well not intentionally. I'm like the least threatening ghost. Well, after baby Past. Marley and Future on the other hand..." New not-you crouches down to Jisung's level.
"Past? Future? Does that make you the ghost of Christmas present?" He sits up, making eye contact with the new not-you. He can't help but smile while looking into your eyes. Their eyes? Does this count as cheating?
"Yeah, but present as in 'here and now.' Not as in gift."
"I know the difference!"
"Okay, Mr. Grumpy. Jeez, you wouldn't believe how many people don't. I your file said you were a member of something called baboracha so I thought I'd help you out a bit," New not-you stands up and stretches out a hand for Jisung. "Come on, we don't have a lot of time left. Future is super punctual and I already wasted most of our time."
Jisung hesitantly takes the hand of the new not-you. Once his hand is in theirs, he's promptly yanked up and through the door. In a few seconds, he's suddenly standing in the corner of one of the practice rooms of the new JYPE building. All of his members lay in various states of exhaustion around the room, panting. Chan sits in the middle, legs stretched out in front of him as he leans back on his arm with his head facing the ceiling. Both Seungmin and Jeongin lay supine with their bodies stretched out like starfish. Hyunjin lays flat on his stomach, almost like roadkill. Minho rests on his side, staring motionlessly at the mirror. Changbin sits, leaning against the wall while Felix rests his head on him. All seven of them are drenched in sweat.
"Holy shit, they're all so hot! What do they feed you here--who the fuck is that?" New not-you points directly at Changbin, "I wish I was human. The things I would do... Marley frowns on possession but 30 minutes alone with him would be worth an eternity of Marley's wrath."
"Can you please not say that while you look and sound exactly like Y/n?" Jisung pleads.
"Why? Does it make you jealous? I'd spend some time with you too, Jisungie. Don't worry." New not-you smirks, causing him to blush.
I like this ghost the least of all. He thinks.
Jisung looks at his group members. He left the venue around 9. If it really is the present, that means they've been practicing for the past 5 hours. Jisung gets a twinge of pain in his chest at that thought. He went home to sleep comfortably in his bed while they stayed to work.
"Since you're the ghost of the present, that means it's 2 am for them too, right?" He asks, trying to change the subject.
"I thought you were supposed to be smart."
Jisung presses his lips together to stop himself from saying something rude. He knows that the ghost isn't you, but the fact that they have your face stops him from hurting their feelings. He's having trouble separating the two.
"Do...do you think...he's really going...to leave?" Felix asks through breaths.
The room stays silent for a moment. Everyone has been thinking the same thing since Jisung stormed out of rehearsal. Throughout their late dinner, travel to the JYPE building and new practice, the same question loomed over all of them. And yet, Felix is the only one who is brave enough to say anything.
"I don't think so. But at the same time, he's so fucking stubborn that he might actually do it." Seungmin finally answers.
"I didn't mean to hurt his feelings like that. I didn't think he would--I was just mad. He wasn't supposed to take me seriously, that idiot." Hyunjin says softly.
"I get his anger though. He constantly feels like a shit boyfriend because he has to cancel on Y/n a lot or miss out on things because of work. This trip was really important to him. I know he hates disappointing Y/n." Minho explains.
Jisung has spent so much time venting to Minho about his struggles with his job and dating you because he knows that Minho would just listen. He couldn't tell you about any of it. He knows you'd feel guilty and suggest breaking up so he could feel less stress. You wouldn't want him to give up his career for you. Not when you see how much joy creating and performing brings him. He has no idea how you're going to react to him leaving the group.
"I think he just needs some time off. The last comeback was hard for him and he was back to his old self this comeback but we haven't had a proper break in a while. We'll just perform without him tomorrow and then after New Year's we can all sit down and talk seriously about this." Chan, always being the voice of reason, says calmly. In reality, he's panicking.
He hasn't felt this much panic since the group went from nine to eight. And before that, he hadn't felt this stressed since the survival show when there were only seven of them left. Not that any of his members knew. He was good at bottling all that in, not wanting to worry his members. Losing Jisung meant more than losing a member. While he felt the same about all his members, viewing them as his kids more than coworkers, losing Jisung also meant losing a little brother, a co-producer, a part of him.
"What are we going to do if he does leave?" Jeongin asks this time.
"Don't think about that Yongbokkie--Ah, I mean In." Changbin groans at his slip-up, earning tired laughs from the other members.
"Really? Even now?" The youngest member sits up, glaring at Changbin.
"He is on my lap. I am looking at his face. It was--"
"I don't care. Stop speaking to me, I don't want to hear it. I'm tired of your voice. Next time you speak, I'm hitting you."
"I think we've had enough fighting for one day," Minho warns as he laughs.
"If he does end up leaving, we'll rebuild. We'll have to. He wouldn't want us to completely fall apart without him. He might think that now, but once he snaps out of it, he'd feel guilty about it." Chan speaks up.
"Yeah but wouldn't he feel like shit if we don't fall apart? Like we actually don't need him?" Hyunjin sits up this time, looking at Chan with a guilty face.
"I won't. I promise I won't because I get it. I was there the first time we lost a member. I get if--I... fuck." Jisung says through wet eyes. He's not sure when he started crying or why. But watching his group members overwork themselves and even worry about him when they have every right to be mad gets to him.
"They can't hear you, Jisungie." New not-you reminds him.
"Goddamn it--"
"C'mon, we have to go." New not-you grabs Jisung's hand and pulls him away from the practice room.
"Where could you possibly be taking me now?" He asks as he whiles the tears from his eyes with the back of his free hand.
"Well, I was also supposed to take you to see a few of your fans and even your precious Y/n. But I came late and we're cutting it close to Future's time and let's just say the last time I did that, it wasn't so pretty."
When Jisung pulls his hand away from his face he sees that he's surrounded by the darkness of his room again. He lets go of the new not-you's hand and paces around his room. His heart is pounding impossibly fast in his chest, punching his ribcage. His thoughts going a mile a minute. If he doesn't calm down soon, he's going to work himself up into a panic attack.
"I don't need to go to the future. I get it now!" He blurts out in desperation.
"Oh really? Care to share with the class what you learned, Jisungie?"
"That I'm just causing problems for everyone if I leave." He stops pacing.
"Because?" New not-you walks closer to him, making Jisung stumble back.
"Because...because I'm a selfish dumbass."
"Oh, so close, Sungie. I guess you have to go to detention with Future after all. Make sure you pay attention this time. You already have all the answers that you need."
New not-you presses an ice-cold kiss to Jisung's cheek before completely vanishing from the room, leaving him confused and alone. He drops to his knees, clutching his head in his hands as he tries to process the events of the past couple of hours.
***
KNOCK, KNOCK, KNO--
"Yeah, yeah, I'm coming!" Jisung sighs as he pulls himself off the floor. He's slightly calmer than he was a few moments ago.
At this point, Jisung wants to get this nightmare over with so he can fix everything. He pulls open the door to find a cloaked figure hovering in front of him. The hood of the cloak completely covers their face, but Jisung is sure you're face is hidden under there.
"Okay, out with it. What's your whole gimmick? You're the ghost of the future so you're going to show me how bad life is after I left, right?" Jisung asks, crossing his arms. He's completely over this nightmare.
The cloaked figure stares back at him, unwavering. The ominous quiet coming from the cloaked ghost sends a chill down Jisung's spine. Something about this ghost just feels different, and he doesn't like it.
"Cat got your tongue or something?" Jisung tries to joke. Still, the cloaked ghost just stays unmoving.
"Ahem," Jisung nervously chews on his bottom lip, "so I guess I'll just,"
Jisung walks through the door, giving up on trying to make any conversation with the ghost. As he walks through the door, he's transported to one of the hallways in the JYPE building. More specifically, the hallway where the 3racha studio is.
Future starts floating away from Jisung as they make their way through the hallway. Jisung slightly jogs to keep up. He takes in his surroundings as he walks. He sees the familiar posters of Day6, GOT7, Stray Kids, Miss A, TWICE, and NMIXX that are equally spaced along the walls. He also sees some posters of groups and solo artists he doesn't recognize.
Of course, you don't recognize them, it's the future. He thinks to himself.
He freeze when his eyes land on the door to the 3racha studio. He wonders if Chan and Changbin are inside right now, working on something. He wonders if they're struggling without him. Or if they're doing better without him. If they're able to get more work done without him there.
His concentration breaks when an unfamiliar face walks out of the room. He wears the same tired expression that Jisung has seen a million times on other idol's faces. One that he recognizes could only be earned from hours of frustrated writing pressured by looming deadlines. One that Chan often wears.
Did they replace me? He questions. No, they wouldn't.
He shakes the thought out of his head as he runs over to the elevator where Future and the new person are waiting. The door closes just as he slides in. The elevator plays music he's never heard before, no doubt from one of the new JYP artists.
Would this count as plagiarism if I released this in the present? He wonders.
He can't help be let his eyes wander over to the stranger. If he's someone who is currently training at JYP, he wouldn't be able to tell you. There are too many of them and out of desperation to try to debut, a lot of them start to mimic the style of debuted artists and they all look like clones of each other. It's quite scary actually.
He takes in the appearance of the artist. He's wearing a bucket hat and black sweatpants with a matching hoodie. By the size of his backpack, he must have been living in that studio for a few days. There's a pin on his backpack that reads CLxVxR.
Is that a brand? Is it Clover? Clever?
DING
The elevator lands on the ground floor. Mystery Idol walks over to the cafeteria as Future floats in the other direction. Curious about his new possible replacement, Jisung wants to follow him to learn more about him. He knows better, the sooner he finishes with the future, he can get back to the present, wake up, and fix everything.
Jisung quickly walks over to where Future stands, next to the plaque of all of the JYPE artists that debuted. Curious, he looks up at the list, reading the few names of new artists that were added. The most recent one debuted in 2044.
"2044? How far into the future are we?" He turns to ask Future, of course to no avail.
He turns to look at the list again. He furrows his eyebrows as his eyes glance over a familiar name.
CLxVxR February 29, 2024-
"What?" He mutters to himself.
Puzzled, his eyes fly up the list stopping only when they settle on the name he was looking for.
Stray Kids March 25, 2018- February 17, 2024
"No," He gasps.
He turns around to face Future, hoping for some sort of confirmation that what he is looking at is true. Still, the ghost remains silent, staring at Jisung with their cloaked face.
Jisung's palms start to feel cool and clammy as his heart rate begins to speed up. Too many thoughts flood his mind as he looks around the lobby. The poster of Stray Kids that once sat in the lobby is now replaced with a new group. All the staff members and trainees that walk around are unfamiliar to him, making him feel more anxious.
Air, I need air!
Jisung quickly runs out of the building, trying to calm himself down. Jisung doubles over, gasping for air. If he doesn't breathe, he might actually die in this dream hellscape he brought himself to. He looks around, trying to find something, anything to ground him but the landscape isn't helping. The buildings are all unfamiliar. Restaurants have new names, shops have new designs, and the cars on the street are unrecognizable. The tears on his face begin to freeze as the cool winter air and snow freeze them.
"JiJi! Come here!" A familiar voice calls.
Jisung's head whips around, trying to find where you are. You shouldn't be able to see him. He's not actually here but, you still call him. His eyes finally land on you. You're facing him, waving while holding a bouquet. He doesn't hesitate to run to you. He stops when he's standing right in front of you.
You still look like you, only older. Your hair is a little shorter and has some white strands that suit you. Your face looks the same only with a few wrinkles. Smile lines mostly. Signs of a happy life. But overall, you still look like you, and for that, Jisung was relieved.
His smile drops when he realizes that your same, warm eyes are looking past him. Not at him. He slowly turns around to see who you're really looking at. All he can see is a child running towards the pair of you.
"Eomma!" The little boy runs up to you and wraps his arms around your leg.
"Jiho, did you run away from appa again?" You say to the little boy.
"Yeah! But only because Sang-hee fell in the snow and won't stop crying." He pouts. He has your face. Almost as if he's a carbon copy of you.
"Did she fall or did you push her?" You ask with a soft smile.
"She fell! And she only fell because she slipped while trying to hold my hand when I told her I didn't want to."
"Jiho, Sang-hee is only 6. She was probably trying to hold your hand so you wouldn't fall and get hurt like she did."
"Yeah, but I'm 8! I'm a big kid! I don't need to hold anyone's hand."
"You still need to hold mine or appa's hand when you cross the street. Until you're at least 10 or a little taller."
"I am tall!" he yells, getting on his tiptoes. Jisung can't help but laugh. It reminds him of something Changbin would do.
"Sorry, Jagiya. I tried to give you your space but Jiho ran off when I was checking on Sang-hee." A new, unfamiliar voice says. Jisung quickly turns around to see who could be calling you Jagiya.
He's met with a man he's never met before. He's taller and looks a little older. Dread begins to fill Jisung's body as he quickly realizes what happened.
"Hell, I'm in hell." He says quickly.
"It's okay, I'm almost done here. And then the four of us can go to dinner." You smile softly at your husband.
Jisung stumbles back, staring at your tiny family in horror. He watches as your son walks over to his father--your husband--a man who is not him. His heart shatters in his chest, providing some relief from the relentless beating it's been doing all day. He watches as you quietly place the bouquet beside the others on the floor that he didn't realize were there. Your small smile is gone as you suck in your lower lip. Your chin trembles for a bit.
"Are you okay Eomma?" Your daughter asks from her father's arms.
"Eomma is okay, Sang-hee. Let's go," You wipe your face before turning to face your husband and children with a new smile on your face. Jisung can tell that only half of it is real. The other half is fake. A show you put on to not worry your family.
Your husband sets your daughter on his shoulders, using his right hand to hold onto her leg. His left hand is free to hold yours, your left hand being occupied by your son's.
Jisung tries to turn around, to leave, and to find his way back to the present. To stop whatever happened from happening only to be stopped by Future.
"I saw what you wanted me to see. I get it now! Let me go so I can fix it!" He shouts, hot tears pouring down his face, melting the frozen ones.
Future continues to say nothing. Instead, they raise a hand, their find pointing outward. Jisung looks to see what they're pointing at, only to find the pile of flowers you were just interacting with. Confused, Jisung turns back to Future, trying to get some sort of explanation.
Woosh
A small gust of wind blows past them as a car speeds by, causing the hood to fall off of Future's head. Jisung takes a few steps back in horror as Future's face is revealed to be nothing more than a skeleton.
"Oh, what the fuck?" He breathes. He can only hope that Future's skeleton isn't yours.
Still as a statue, Future continues to point at the flowers, urging Jisung too. Wanting to look at anything else, he complies. He turns his full body to the pile of flowers. As he steps closer, he realizes that it's not a pile of flowers as his own face stares back at him. No, not his face exactly. A picture of his face when he was younger. Maybe one or two years after debut.
"What?" He looks around at everything around his picture. There's more than just frostbitten flowers. There are snow-covered Han Quokkas, slightly burnt candles, and old concert pickets. He kneels to the floor, picking a flower from your bouquet, a forget-me-not, taking in this new information.
He died. You moved on because he died. You didn't leave him because he left the group. That he could live with. Partly. His eyes fall on a strange patch of snow. He quickly brushes it away to see what could possibly be under there. All he finds is a bronze plaque that reads:
Han Ji-Sung
Beloved brother, son, producer, singer, rapper, and Stray Kid
September 14, 2000- December 23, 2024
"No," He mutters to himself. He turns his head to Future, who is now beside him.
"This has to be a mistake. I can't die in a year!" He pleads.
Still Future remains silent.
"Let me go back! I can fix this. I won't leave! I get it now! They need me! Chan hyung, Minho Hyung, Changbin hyung, Hyunjin, Felix, Seungmin, Jeongin, and Y/n, they all need me," He sniffles, "A-and I need them too! I get that now. I won't take that for granted. P-please, take me back."
The landscape changes and they're suddenly in a cemetery. Jisung's heart, which appears to have mended itself and started beating again, pounds loudly in his chest. Even if Future started talking now, the only thing he'd be able to hear is the beating of his own heart. In front of him is an open grave and a headstone with his name on it.
"I take it back!" He shouts as he turns around to Future.
"I take back everything I said!"
Future hovers towards Jisung, causing him to take a step back.
"Please, just take me back to the present and I promise not to complain ever again."
Step
"I--I'll be the first one in and last one out of the studio and practice room!"
Step
"I'll do more mc gigs!"
Step
"Please, I don't want anything to change. Just let me go back--"
Slip
Jisung loses his footing and falls into the empty grave.
***
Jisung springs awake, gasping for air.
His room is bright as the sun pokes through the window, letting him know that his nightmare is finally over. A nightmare, that's all it was. Right?
He runs his hands through his hair. As he looks around his room. Everything looks just as he left it the night before. His eyes settle on the sleeping pills he took the night before. He slowly gets out of bed, feeling exhausted, and grabs the pill bottle. He leaves his room, walking straight to the bathroom he shares with Hyunjin. He opens the toilet bowl and pours the entire contents of the bottle before flushing it.
"Never fucking again," He mumbles as he tosses the now-empty bottle in the trash.
He stares at himself in the mirror. He looks like shit. His eyes have thick, dark circles around them. His face is puffier than he likes and his hair is all over the place. He rubs his eyes as he turns the faucet, allowing the water to get a little warm before splashing his face with the slightly cool water. Still unable to shake the nightmare from his mind, he decided to take a shower. Hoping the warm water will allow him to clear his mind.
It had to be a dream. There's no possible way he could have time-traveled. It's just not possible. Two ghosts and a spirit that looked exactly like you and another ghost that resembled the Grim Reaper didn't visit him last night to psychologically torture him. He just swallowed an expired sleeping pill that took him on a bad trip fueled by his guilt. It's the same as if he took an allergy pill and saw the hat man. None of that is real.
Jisung walks back into his room. One towel hugs his waist while another one sits on his head. He feels a little after his shower, but not 100% back to his normal self. As he slowly begins to get dressed, he also starts to pack a suitcase. He still plans to fly out to you, even if it means having to fly on Christmas day.
A chill runs through Jisung's spine as his eyes land on a forget-me-not flower on his desk, right next to the snowglobe that little not-you was playing with in his dream.
"Shit," He breathes, quickly realizing that it wasn't a dream.
He licks his lips as he thinks about what to do. He runs over to his bed, throwing pillows, blankets, and clothes around while looking for his phone. Finally finding it, he wakes it up and checks the date and time.
24 December 2023
3:04 pm
He still has time.
He quickly orders a car and finishes getting ready. Everyone should be at the JYPE building getting ready for the show. If he gets there now, he'll have enough time to fix everything. He'll get down on his hands and knees if he has to. He just needs to change the future.
"Ha, yeah, it's that easy," He scoffs at himself.
"Han? What are you--"
"I'm so sorry for throwing a fit like a complete fucking idiot. I'm sorry for making you all worry. I'm sorry for blaming Felix and Jeongin. I'm sorry for everything I said behind your backs when I was going home in a fit of rage. I'm sorry--"
"Han, get up," Chan says softly to the younger man.
In Jisung's defense, he had an entire speech that he planned out in his head while he was being driven to the rest of his members. A decent one that would win awards if it was said in a movie. But when he walked into the room where everyone was in various stages of getting ready, he couldn't but drop to his hands and knees to grovel and beg for forgiveness. It was pitiful really, everyone in the room could agree.
"Hyung, 'm sorry. I don't want to leave the group. I was just mad." He whimpers, looking up at his leader with tearful eyes.
"Jagiya, get up," Minho calls from the makeup chair he's sitting in.
Jisung shakes his head before he presses it to the floor again.
"H-hey," Felix gets up from his spot on the couch, "Han, it's okay. We understand. None of us are mad at you."
"Annoyed maybe, but not mad," Changbin adds.
Chan finally manages to get Jisung up from the floor and pulls him into a hug. The rest of the members follow suit, much to the make artists' dismay. Soon, Jisung is surrounded by all of his members in a suffocating sandwich.
"I'm sorry I hurt your feelings, Han. I didn't mean--" Hyunjin starts.
"It's okay, I know."
The pile separates and the boys are pulled in all sorts of directions as they're back in getting ready mode. Jisung stands awkwardly in the middle of the room.
"I want to perform with you guys tonight if that's okay." He says loudly as he wipes his face clean.
"Not...not to start another fight, but are you sure you can?" Seungin asks while getting his hair done.
"He practiced with us long enough yesterday and for once was the only one who had his shit together. No offense," Jeongin adds.
"None taken," He lets the backhanded compliment roll off his back.
"I see nothing wrong with it if he feels ready. We didn't change anything so it should be fine." Minho adds.
Jisung lets out a sigh of relief as everyone agrees to let him join them. He's quickly grabbed by one of the stylists as they scramble to get him ready, he's behind schedule compared to everyone else. And just like that, almost everything felt right in the world.
"Not to add any pressure on anyone, but we have some very important guests in the audience tonight," Chan says while the boys are huddled together backstage.
The MCs are busy interviewing ATEEZ, who just finished performing. Stray Kids should be up next. Everyone is already nervous, still feeling under-prepared for tonight.
"Pd-nim is here?" Changbin asks, annoyed.
"Yeah, but that's not who I'm talking about." Chan pats' Changbin's back.
"Then who?" Jisung asks while fiddling with his hand mic.
"Our families, including our significant others." Chan beams.
"I'm going to throw up," Seungmin says suddenly.
"Wait? Y/n is here?" Jisung pokes his head through the wing of the stage, scanning the audience to find you. A large toothy smile consumes his face when he finds you and your parents.
"Pd-nim felt bad about the scheduling mix-up and ruining the holidays so he paid for all of them to be here," Chan explains as some of the boys get bouncy with excitement while others become nervous.
"The Grinch's heart grew?" Changbin adds, earning a slap in the back of the head. Chan gives him a look, reminding him to be mindful of where he is.
"Cool, I'm still going to throw up," Seungmin leans on Jeongin for support.
"Hyung, if you throw up on me, I will punch you," Jeongin warns.
"I think the stylist might kill him first," Minho quips.
"It's fine. We got this. You guys practiced for like 5 hours after I left. If anything, I should be nervous. You all got this." Han says, patting Seungmin on the head.
"How do you know that?" Felix asks. The boys look at each other, unsure of who told him how long they practiced. They were in silent agreement not to tell him so he wouldn't feel bad and start crying again.
"I...lucky guess? Oh look, ATEEZ is coming off the stage." Jisung says quickly, pointing as Hongjoong leads his members off the stage.
Jisung breathes, relieved that his distraction worked. He's unsure how or if he's going to tell them that he traveled time. Maybe that's something he should keep for himself. They might think stress has gotten to him and force him into a hiatus.
The nerves quickly leave all of their bodies as they all walk out onto the stage. Jisung makes eye contact with you and bows to your parents as he takes his position. The bright smile on your face lets him know that everything is going to be okay.