Chapter Text
All Edward Teach wanted was to keep his head down and not get kicked out of yet another school. Unfortunately, the Venn Diagram of “Things Edward Teach Wants” and “Things Edward Teach Gets” has very little overlap.
He didn't expect to add ‘scary flying leather demon lady’ to the latter category, however. Nor did he expect the scary flying leather demon lady to be his very old, very frail-looking pre-algebra teacher. Nor did he expect his Latin teacher to give him a pen/sword to kill his former-math teacher-current-demon-adversary with. Nor did he—
Well. You get the picture.
Edward, or Ed, as his friends called him, was twelve years old. He was just like any other twelve year old, if that other twelve year old had severe dyslexia and ADHD and just generally was a bit of a fuck-up. He went to Yancy Academy in Upstate New York, a school for troubled kids that would straighten them out and make them into “fine upstanding citizens,” according to the pamphlets. To anyone who knew Yancy Academy students, this was very funny.
Ed didn’t exactly have much luck with schools. In fact, this was his sixth one in as many years. If you asked him, he only really deserved to get expelled from two of them. If you asked the various teachers and administrators he’d encountered over the years, they might get the glassy eyed look of a Vietnam War Veteran reliving a war crime they witnessed. However, as turbulent as his life had already been so far, things were about to get a whole lot worse.
It started with a school field trip to the Metropolitan Museum of Art on a bus that smelled like sweat, old vinyl, and disappointment.
Resident bully and all-around prick Geraldo was throwing mushy pieces of… something at Ed’s best friend Stede. Normally, Lucius, Ed’s other friend, would be the kind of kid that would get mercilessly picked on. He couldn’t run away easily because he used crutches, he was scrawny and kind of weak, and being openly queer didn’t help matters. Yet it was Stede that attracted trouble like a magnet; whatever the invisible quality that attracted bullies and assholes to their victims, Stede had it in spades. He could barely get five words out and it was like sharks smelling blood in the water. It would have been almost impressive.
So, while Lucius tried to will himself into a state of invisibility, and Stede attempted (unsuccessfully) to dodge soggy bullets, Ed stared at Geraldo really hard, hoping that today would be the day his Force powers would manifest and he could slam his target into the thin metal ceiling of the bus. He’d love to just sucker punch Geraldo, but he was already on probation, and Stede would feel really bad that Ed felt the need to defend him, and his mom would be disappointed…
Well, Geraldo’s face isn’t going anywhere anytime soon. Unfortunately.
It wasn’t too much longer until they arrived at the museum, and everyone filed off the bus. The tour was being led by Mr. Brunner, the Latin teacher at Yancy. Ed really liked Mr. Brunner, and somehow, Mr. Brunner liked him too. He was maybe the only person in his life outside of his mom and his friends that believed in him. He was lame as hell, but in a cool way, that paradoxical trait that only your favorite teachers can pull off. His class was full of games and challenges and activities. He made Greek and Roman mythology seem alive in a way no one else could. Plus, he was the only teacher that seemed to recognize just how brilliant Stede was. That alone put him in Ed’s good books.
Mr. Brunner was rolling along in his wheelchair, explaining the story behind some sculpture or another. Ed was doing his best to listen in, but half the group was whispering loudly and drowning out whatever the teacher was trying to explain. Stede kept trying to shush everyone around them but he was summarily ignored. Ed’s frustration kept slowly building until Geraldo snorted at something on one of the vases and he finally snapped, “shut the fuck up, man.” He had underestimated how well his voice carried, however, and all the chatter ceased abruptly. A few students tittered as Mr. Brunner leveled a slightly amused look his way.
“Mr. Teach. Perhaps there was something you wanted to add?”
Ed stuttered out, “Um. Nope. All good here. Yep. Thanks for asking.”
“Smooth,” Lucius muttered.
Ed silently flipped him off behind his back.
“Maybe you’d like to explain to the class what this work is depicting?” Mr. Brunner inquired.
A burst of fear flashed through Ed’s heart but vanished just as quickly when he realized that he recognized the myth featured in the art.
“That’s Kronos, right? When he ate his kids?”
“Correct, Mr. Teach. Tell me, why did eat his own children?”
Ed faltered for a moment. “Well, he was afraid of them, right? He thought they would overthrow him. So he did the totally normal thing and had a little baby god feast.”
Mr. Brunner still wanted more. “And then?”
“And then… Zeus was born. His mother saved him by feeding Kronos a stone instead. Then Zeus made Kronos throw up his siblings, they all fought Kronos and the other, uh…”
“Titans,” Mr. Brunner supplied.
“Titans, right. They fought the Titans and banished them to hell when they lost.”
Mr. Brunner corrected, “That would be The Underworld, not hell. But otherwise very good, Mr. Teach.”
Behind Ed, Geraldo mocked, “Very good, Mr. Teach. Like we’ll ever need to actually know this shit.”
“Excellent question!” Mr. Brunner looked pointedly at Geraldo. “Perhaps you’d like to field that one as well, Mr. Teach?”
“Oh, I uh… I’m not exactly sure, Mr. Brunner.” He paused. “I think it maybe… builds character?”
Unfortunately for Ed, Mr. Brunner didn’t seem satisfied with the Yancy Academy mission statement as an answer. “Hm. It’s very important you know the answer to that question. A matter of life or death.” Mr. Brunner gave a look that told Ed he was being 100% serious. “But, I believe right now, it’s time for lunch! Mrs. Dodds, if you would please?”
Mrs. Dodds, the pre-algebra teacher straight from his nightmares, whipped around from where she was facing him and led the group outside. She had been staring at him this whole trip. This was nothing unusual; she often stared at him with a look that said, “I wish corporal punishment were still legal,” or “It’s a shame how many unbroken bones you have.” If he was really lucky, it would say “I know a great spot to bury the body.”
Apparently he was really lucky today.
The weird thing about Mrs. Dodds was that even though she was probably older than the fucking dinosaurs, she wore a leather jacket. She looked like someone who would describe anyone wearing leather as a “hoodlum” or a “delinquent.” There was nothing about her that would make you think she’d have any interest in leather jackets, and yet there it was hanging on her thin frame. It was just as wrinkly and weathered as she was, though, so he supposed it suited her.
He sat down at the fountain edge with Stede and Lucius. He didn’t have to look at the sky to know a storm was coming; he could feel it in the air. The weather had been all kinds of fucked lately, seeming to portend something sinister. Maybe the end was nigh. That’d be nice.
As they started eating, Ed spoke his thoughts aloud. “I don’t get why Mr. Brunner was being all weird about that ‘real life applications’ stuff. I mean, I get that he’s not going to admit that we could get by without Latin and mythology, but surely he’s got to know this stuff isn’t going to come up very often.”
Lucius shifted a bit in his spot. “I don’t know, Ed, I get that, but I think this stuff actually is, like, a lot more important than you think. I mean, you know that saying, ‘those who don’t know history are doomed to repeat it?’ I think it’s like that,” he offered.
Ed insisted, “See, but that’s just it! This isn’t even history! It’s mythology! It’s made up! Some dudes thousands of years ago said ‘what if a bunch of really powerful people all lived on top of this mountain and shot lightning out of their fingertips and fucked everything that moved and stuff?’ And then everyone else said ‘cool, sounds good.’ It’s not real!”
Lucius looked like he wanted to say something, but then ultimately closed his mouth and focused on his sandwich again.
Stede interjected, “Well, I don’t even really care if it's useful or not, I just think it’s really interesting.”
“Stede, you think everything is interesting,” Ed argued.
“No! I don’t think math is interesting,” Stede shot back.
Ed protested, “That’s not true, either! You do the questions in the book that aren’t even assigned, for fun. You just don’t like Mrs. Dodds.”
Stede started to shoot back with, “Yeah, well maybe I just think—” when Geraldo, somehow managing to sneak up on them, dropped half his lunch in his lap.
Ed would definitely say that pissed him off.
He can’t say what happened next with any certainty, but before he knew it, Geraldo was on his ass in the fountain, sputtering and fuming. Almost immediately, Mrs. Dodds was at Ed’s side.
“You.” She raised a crooked finger.
He was in for it now. When the finger came out, that’s when you knew you were in trouble.
The other kids were whispering, looking at him with something like awe and maybe… fear? He was too busy writing his own obituary in his head to care.
“Come with me. Now.” Mrs. Dodds started to drag him away when Lucius sprang into the air.
“WAIT!” Every head swung in his direction. “Fuck,” he breathed. “Uh, it was me! I did it! I pushed Geraldo, Mrs. Dodds.”
Mrs. Dodds stopped her glaring at Ed for a moment to flash it at Lucius. “Nice try, Mr. Spriggs.” Her murderous gaze returned to its original victim. “Let’s go.”
Lucius looked imploringly at a distracted Mr. Brunner while Stede, recovered from his death-by-a-thousand-green-beans, watched helplessly as Ed was led away.
Mrs. Dodds took him deeper and deeper into the museum, back through the Greek and Roman wing, before finally stopping. She looked up at a marble piece depicting a bunch of the Greek gods. A quiet growling sound sliced through the air, and Ed suddenly realized that the entire area was empty. He was alone.
“We’ve had lots of problems with you, haven’t we?” Mrs. Dodds spat out, turning towards him.
Ed swallowed. “I’m sorry, Mrs. Dodds. I’m not exactly trying to cause problems.”
“Did you really think you would get away with it?”
“I—” He didn’t know what to say to that.
Mrs. Dodds interrupted, “You must think we are fools. But we know what you did, Edward Teach.”
“What?”
“Perhaps things could have ended less painfully if you confessed.”
Ed had no idea what she was talking about. Not that he hadn’t done anything worth making a confession about, but somehow he didn’t think she was talking about the crab vs. turtle fighting ring he set up that one time, or stealing food from the teacher’s lounge. And there was no way anyone could prove who set off the sprinklers in the science lab last November.
She gleefully announced, “I’m going to enjoy this, Edward Teach.”
Without warning, her leather jacket crept along her back and seemed to fuse to her body as it stretched itself into giant wings. Her nails elongated, and she opened her mouth to reveal razor sharp teeth. He then realized that against all odds, her glare was able to intensify further into something he’d never seen before, something that said “You’re going to wish you’d never been born.” Her eyes glowed with the fury of hell.
“The Underworld, Mr. Teach,” the memory of Mr. Brunner from earlier added unhelpfully.
And then, the man himself appeared at that very moment.
“Edward! Catch!” He threw a ballpoint pen through the air.
Mrs. Dodds pounced with a snarl.
As Ed dodged, he was able to grab the pen sailing towards him.
Except it wasn’t a pen. It was a sword.
He’d seen that sword before, when Mr. Brunner brought it out for special occasions. It was bronze, and had always looked sharper than a replica should be.
Mrs. Dodds screeched when she missed him, wheeling around for another go. Without thinking, he brought up the sword and slashed it through the space in front of him. A look of shock momentarily passed over Mrs. Dodds’ face, before she disintegrated into some sort of powder, or mist, maybe?
Almost as soon as it had started, the fight was over. The room was empty once more, no sign of Mrs. Dodds or Mr. Brunner. He looked down at the sword.
Except it wasn’t a sword. It was a pen. Fuck.
Shaking, Ed made his way outside. It was raining, and most of the class was huddled under what sparse bits of cover they could find. Lucius was looking off into space while Stede stood anxiously, drumming his fingers on one arm. Geraldo, still soaking wet, slit his throat in a silent gesture. The pitiful motion almost made him laugh hysterically after the shit that had just happened.
He walked up to Stede and Lucius.
Stede sprang up when he saw Ed, rushing out, “What happened? What did Mrs. Kerr say?”
“Mrs. Kerr?” Ed frowned.
“Our… math teacher? Mrs. Kerr?” Stede responded, confused.
What the actual fuck. “But… what happened to Mrs. Dodds?” Ed questioned, not really wanting to hear the answer.
Stede switched from confused to bewildered, skipping right past perplexed.
Lucius finally snapped back to life, turning his head towards Ed. “Who’s that?” he delivered, a little too slowly.
“No, I’m serious, I—” Ed huffed. “Just give me a second.”
He walked towards Mr. Brunner, who took a second before looking up from his novel. “Ah, Mr. Teach! I believe that’s my pen. Thank you for returning it.”
Ed, dazed, decided not to process that at the moment and handed the pen over. He took a deep breath, afraid of the answer he’d get to what he was about to ask. “Where’s Mrs. Dodds?”
Mr. Brunner considered him with a moment, his face appearing concerned.
“Mr. Brunner?” Ed prompted.
In the gentle tone one would use to approach a lost child, Mr. Brunner replied, “Edward, I’ve never heard of a Mrs. Dodds before. Who exactly are you talking about?”