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Betrayal can strike at any moment.
Jess knows this intimately. She’s seen wounded animals in traps eat their compatriots, seen brother turn against brother for a role of power, and even felt the sting of it herself, when Bethany Krumpke revealed to everyone that Jess had kissed her behind the building at a school dance. Yes, Jess is well-versed in betrayal, she just never expected it here.
“Ok you can stop looking at me like that,” Lupe says, crossing her arms. “It’s really not that serious.” Jess tries to stop from rolling her eyes. She’s mostly successful.
Lupe scoffs. Laughs. Something in the middle there. “Really?” she asks. “It could just be mine if it makes you feel better.” Jess struggles to speech and Lupe takes the opportunity to sink into her stance, cocking an eyebrow.
“It’s–” Jess finally manages, lifting her hands up to gesture, “it’s just a tiny oven!” It’s Lupe’s turn to roll her eyes. Jess scowls. “It’s EasyBake for adults!” she supplies.
Lupe puts her hands up. “Look, all I’m saying is it’s convenient,” she says. “Esti was able to do the potatoes in like 20 minutes!”
“You can boil potatoes in 20 minutes,” Jess says.
“She cut, seasoned, and roasted them in 20 minutes,” Lupe clarifies. Jess closes her mouth. Then opens it again.
“I still don’t see why we need an airfryer though,” she says, turning back to the toast she’s buttering. “Oven works just fine.” There is a flash of something that Jess just catches in Lupe’s eyes, but when she turns back around, it’s gone, hidden.
“I’ll take your word for it,” Lupe mutters, and Jess feels a twinge in her gut as she realizes she’s going to spend the next couple hours teasing this feeling back out of Lupe piece by piece.
Lupe, who says nothing more and pulls out her phone, not looking at Jess. She begins to scroll silently and Jess feels left in the dust, missing something. She takes a bite of her toast, then another as she thinks.
It is a betrayal of Jess and the McCready way to purchase a device when hands can make light work of the same. Jess doesn’t have a toaster because she can toast bread in a pan and appreciate the work it takes to do so. She only has a microwave because it came with the apartment and she routinely heats up her leftovers on the stove anyway–it’s usually only Lupe who uses it.
But, also, her aunt got her an immersion blender that she definitely uses and she chose this apartment, in part, for the dishwasher…
…and maybe the brothers she’d seen betray each other had been in The Lion King .
But Lupe’s not offering anything up as to why this feels important to her, so Jess takes another bite of her toast, decides she isn’t hungry, whistles, and throws it to her Samoyed, Timber. She looks at Lupe, who’s looking away like she might not know how they got here either, and sighs quietly. “...It’s not a hard no,” she says, and after a pause, she leaves the room.
-----
The thing about moving in together is that it’s complicated. You’re trying to fit two living spaces full of stuff into the same space that might have one more room than each of your current spaces–if you’re lucky. And even if you don’t have a place yet, trying to figure that out, trying to visualize wrapping both of your lives up and putting them into the same box, can stress a brain out.
Jess has never lived with a partner and it’s been about ten years for Lupe. Lupe lived with her first girlfriend out of high school to get herself out of her parents' house, then scrambled to find a piece of shit studio apartment when that blew up two months later. Jess has had roommates, sure, but she’s always been able to close the door before, shut out the noise and focus on her YouTube videos about…tying fly fishing lures? Wood-turning? Restoring antique German headlamps from the ‘50s to perfect working order? Sometimes she reads a book instead, curling up with her head against Timber’s side and pulling her secret reading glasses out from the bedside table.
Now, Lupe watches YouTube videos with her and brings in her own picks. There’s a lot of baseball recaps, or memes about baseball, or memes about cats playing baseball. And it’s pretty sweet, it’s actually really nice to unwind at the end of the day with her arm around Lupe watching a screen that’s about three inches by five. Not only that, but they spend almost every night together now, it’s just nature at this point. They only sleep apart if one of them is going out by themselves and will be home late, and even then just if they end up closer to their own apartment than the other’s. It just somehow all seems bigger when they’re talking about moving in together.
Jess knows Lupe feels it too, that’s just what happens when two highly independent people decide it’s stupid to pay two rents and have to dash home on the subway to feed pets in the morning before work, or try to cook together when the potato masher is at Lupe’s but the colander is at Jess’. It makes sense, and it’s exciting, but…it’s a big step.
-----
So now Jess sits on the couch with her hands under her legs, staring into space, trying to work up the energy to move in one direction or another. There’s definitely some thought that Lupe is chewing on, but Jess doubts that even Lupe has the full shape of it yet, which makes it tricky to talk about. Definitely feels like more than just an air fryer though.
So, finally, Jess plants her hands on the couch, pushes for a second, then stands and walks into the kitchen where Lupe is scrolling on her phone, now at the kitchen table.
She clears her throat and Lupe looks up and makes eye contact with her. Jess jerks her thumb over her shoulder. “I’m going to the store for dinner tonight. Wanna come?”
There’s a beat where Lupe thinks and Jess carefully steels her heart against whatever decision comes out of her mouth, but Lupe just nods and says “Yeah,” then rises from her chair.
Jess blows out a quiet breath. “Cool,” she says. “I think I’m gonna use the bathroom, then grab my jacket and go. That work for you?”
“Mhm,” Lupe says, and nods absently as she pushes her chair back in.
-----
The thing is, Jess really wants to move in. She’s excited for it all–the messy hair on the pillow, coming home to Lupe working on her laptop on the couch, she’s even coming around to Tío Beverly, Lupe’s terrible cat, who really got a lot easier to deal with once they realized he had an old fracture in his leg and was just lashing out in pain. With pain meds, he’s a whole new cat who only acts like an asshole when he really wants to.
And it’s not like Jess doesn’t already have most of this in her life, but it’s the spirit of it too. She doesn’t know yet if she’s a marriage person, and she’s definitely not had that conversation with Lupe, but in terms of commitment, she thinks she could handle this one. A lease is breakable, but it’s also binding: a solid tether, tangible, with no small amount of effort to make it happen. There is no just picking up and leaving, at least not without an awkward conversation about getting your things afterwards, and Jess…doesn’t need the escape hatch anymore. She’s ready to decorate an apartment with Lupe, ready to email her boss with an address change.
-----
The ride on the subway is pretty uneventful, which is about as much as you can ask for in the city. Lupe is…a little checked out. Jess asks her about work, and she responds, but Jess can see the wheels turning in her head, watches her fiddle with her necklace, one hand balled in her lap, and so Jess pulls out her wire earbuds, offers one to Lupe, and puts the other in her ear. After she plugs them into her phone, she scrolls through her music until she finds something that she and Lupe would both want to listen to, then presses play.
Instantly, Jess sees a shift in Lupe. She blinks like she’s coming out of something, then takes a deep breath, releases it in a sigh. She doesn’t let go of her necklace, but the hand in her lap relaxes a little. Lupe turns and tucks herself into the corner between Jess’ side and the back of the seat. Then, she reaches over and catches Jess’ hand. A warmth floods through Jess, breaking through something she didn’t know had been clouding her vision, like a low level of fog on a windshield. Lupe holds her hand, rubs her thumb over the back, and the defogger runs, bringing the world into sharper focus. Jess runs a hand through her ponytail and settles in for the rest of the ride.
When the train gets to their stop, Jess looks over her shoulder at Lupe and meets her eyes. “Come on,” she says, and Lupe stands with her, handing back her earbud. She blinks like she’s just woken up and stretches.
“Damn,” she says, “that trip took me out.” They had only spent about 10 minutes on the subway, maybe 15, but Jess feels it too, the sleepy space created by a quieter train car, only low level chatter over the clatter of tracks.
She nods at Lupe. “Me too,” she says. They move to the exit as the door opens and step off, heading for the stairs.
When they hit street level, they find they’ve emerged into a lull of people. The streets aren’t empty by any means, but they are less full than they usually are. On the walk to the store, Jess reaches out for Lupe’s hand and pulls it into her jacket pocket. To keep it warm, of course.
The store, similar to the streets, is also in a lull and Jess is easily able to lead Lupe through to the canned foods aisle.
“I was thinking, we could have leftover chicken tonight but three bean chili tomorrow?” Jess asks. “And we could pick up something for a side tonight.”
“Ooh,” says Lupe, “I like the sound of that.” Jess sees a small but vibrant spark in her eyes. She reaches out and squeezes Lupe’s hand.
“Can you please grab me,” Jess asks, turning to face Lupe, “a can of pinto beans, black beans, and kidney beans? I’ll go down here and grab the tomatoes.” Fondness bubbles up inside her as she looks at her and she rubs Lupe’s hand with her thumb.
Lupe cracks a smile. “You got it, babe,” she says. She squeezes Jess’ hand back before releasing it to make her way down the aisle. Jess, for her part, turns the opposite way to find the tomatoes and once she finds the right kind, turns back.
Lupe, at the other end of the aisle, carries back a stack of three cans to Jess. “Where do you want these?” she asks.
Jess looks between them, then tugs on her earlobe, embarrassed. “I guess I forgot to grab a basket on my way in.” She looks over the groceries again, then holds out her can. “Could you just add this one to your stack?”
Lupe looks at the can, then looks at the stack, and nods. “Sure thing,” she says, and lifts her hand from the top. “Add it in there.”
They make their way to the next aisle where Jess asks if Lupe would like cornbread with the chili and Lupe agrees. Jess pulls the small box of cornbread mix off the shelf, hesitates, and then, tongue in cheek, sets it on top of Lupe’s stack of cans.
“You can take that, can’t you babe?” she asks. She holds her expression as serious, but bites her bottom lip.
Lupe gives her a look, but that playful spark is back. “Oh sure,” she says, “let me just make room.” She shuffles, balances, and then manages to trap the box flat against the top can and clamps it all tight. She sticks her tongue out at Jess. “Where to next?”
“Meat and potatoes!” Jess crows, and leads the way to the fresh food sections.
It’s the bag of fingerling potatoes that breaks the spell. When Jess picks it up, she tries to pull the same trick on Lupe, have her add it to the stack or slip it under her arm or something. She holds the bag close to her chest, making a show of searching for a place to stash it on Lupe. Lupe laughs patiently, but there’s a note in her voice like she’s over this game already and the look in her eyes says the same. Still though, she doesn’t pull away, and so Jess proudly wedges the bag between Lupe’s arm and her side. That’s when it happens. Compensating for the bag, Lupe’s arms shift and the stack explodes into a flurry of cans, clattering to the floor in a big crash!
Lupe doesn’t even move. She just looks at the floor, sighs, and then looks up. “Jess…” she says softly, her voice pained.
Jess’ face burns. Silently, she reaches into her pocket for her reusable bag and bends down to pick up the cans, the cornbread, and the potatoes. When she finally stands up, it’s with an apologetic look in her eyes. Lupe looks back with an expression that says I know. Jess takes a breath, leans over, and draws Lupe’s head to hers, planting a kiss in her curls.
“Sorry,” she breathes.
Lupe nods, leans in for a moment, and then pulls back to look Jess in the eyes. Her expression is serious at first, then a grin spreads across her lips and she huffs out a laugh. She gives a slight roll of her eyes. “Come on, McCready,” she says, and turns towards the meat section.
They pick up some ground turkey, pay, and leave the store, their hands finding each other on the way out.
-----
Jess knows that Lupe’s ready for this too. She knows Lupe sleeps better when they’re together than when they’re apart, that she’s been excited on days where she works from home because that means she can come work at Jess’, and that she grumbles about having to buy two sets of toiletries to stock their apartments. There are nerves, of course. Lupe wouldn’t be Lupe without checking and double-checking everything, including her own feelings.
“Doña Angustias,” Esti will grumble under her breath. Mrs. Anxiety, translated literally. Jess always chuckles and lightly smacks her arm.
“Está haciendo lo que puede,” she’ll answer. She’s doing her best.
But Jess likes that about Lupe. She likes knowing that the milk isn’t going to be left out on the table, that they’ll never leave for a party without the gift. She likes knowing that when Lupe comes to her, she’s thought her words through. She likes knowing that she’s earned Lupe’s trust.
-----
When they get home, they put the groceries away. Jess looks up at the clock and sees there’s plenty of time before dinner, so she waits, moving aimlessly to the living room to look at her bookshelf. Can’t take all this in the move, is her first thought. Besides the books that she loves, there are books she bought on a whim and wouldn’t read again, cookbooks from her Aunt Carol that she’ll never use, a stuffed animal that Jo, who must think that she’s 10 years old, bought her for her last birthday—
A pair of arms circles her waist from behind and Jess leaves that line of thinking in the dust, leaning automatically into Lupe.
“Hey there you,” she says softly. Lupe hums her response, nestling her face into Jess’ neck and kissing her lightly. They stay there for a minute, swaying and holding each other, until Lupe lifts her head and begins to speak.
“Thank you for asking me to go with you to the store,” she says.
“Of course,” Jess replies, stroking her thumb over the back of Lupe’s hand. She waits.
“...it really helped me clear my head a little,” Lupe says, and Jess hums, low in her throat. Lupe falls silent and the beat carries on for a bit too long. Jess, who was already listening, feels something stir within her. She stands up straighter in response.
Gently, she begins to prod. “Is there something you want to talk about?” she asks, quietly.
Lupe rests for a beat, another, a third. Then, finally, she speaks.
“How are we going to do it? Moving in, I mean. What’s going to happen when we don’t agree on things? We’ll both have control over the space, what if we want to change something the other really wants?” She lets her words hang there, naked in the space around them. Jess can feel how tense she is against her back.
Gently extracting herself, Jess turns around. She looks at her, her expression carefully neutral. “...Is this about the airfryer?” she asks.
Lupe glances at the wall, the other wall, the ceiling. “It’s not not about the airfryer…” she starts, then takes a breath. “It’s not only about the airfryer,” she says. Jess’ heart skips a beat until Lupe follows that with: “It’s not like this happens all the time, but it’s just, what happens when it does? You have pretty strict ideas when it comes to appliances, but I mean, I have ways I like to keep the house too. Like, I’m ok with clothes on the floor in the bedroom but I don’t like things left out in the living room. But you leave things out in the living room and like to have the dishes done at night, which I don’t care about.” She looks at Jess, then looks away again. Jess sees how she holds herself in the space: carefully, like she’s trying so hard not to make this a big deal that she isn’t even touching the floor. And Jess just wants to take her back into her arms.
So, she does.
“Lu,” she says after she’s wrapped Lupe up in a hug. She feels Lupe’s chest expand quickly against hers, hears the sharp intake of breath, and then feels arms wrap around her as well, holding tightly, not letting go.
“Lupe,” Jess starts again, and kisses her neck, once, twice, three times, before planting a gentle kiss on the shell of her ear. Jess pulls back to look Lupe in the eye. “You know we can get through anything, right?” And Lupe gives Jess a look that’s just helpless. You say that, it says, You say that… So Jess kisses her again. “You know we can get through anything, right?” she asks again, lower, and lowers her gaze to be sure that Lupe listens.
When Lupe doesn’t reply, Jess goes on. “Lupe, I want to be with you for a while, as long as you want to keep me around. You know that, right?”
Lupe’s expression shifts, twists, into But what if? Jess rubs her thumbs up and down her shoulder blades in response.
“If things go wrong,” Jess says, slowly, deliberately, “for either of us,” she raises her eyebrows, “we’ll talk about it.” Lupe’s brows knit together and she looks off to the side again. Jess, however, waits it out, waits for her to reply.
“But…” Lupe starts, “...how can you be sure we’ll work it out?”
Jess gives a small grin. “Well, that part’s more of a hunch. I just have a good feeling about our luck. But as far as coming to conclusions goes, I just know that when you and I talk, we each have the other’s best interests at heart. I can’t promise that we’ll do everything right or that we’ll be one hundred percent satisfied one hundred percent of the time, but I can promise that I’ll do the work with you, that I’ll try and find solutions that work for you and, knowing you, you’ll do the same for me.”
Lupe takes a deep, shuddering breath, closes her eyes. She nods slowly, then faster. Then, she pushes her head of curls into Jess’ neck. “I love you,” she says, holding tight to Jess.
And Jess holds this woman, her love. She holds her and holds her and holds her. Then she says it back, “I love you too,” with her voice in her hair, with her hands on her back, with every fiber of her being. She’s going to hold onto this one for a long time.
She feels Lupe relax into her arms, her body releasing the tension that she’s held there all day, and Jess feels her own shoulders loosen as well. “Want to move to the couch?” she asks, and feels Lupe nod against her shoulder once more, so she starts walking Lupe backwards towards the couch. It’s clumsy work, and she feels Lupe stumble, trip over a pair of shoes, then one of Timber’s bones and, best of all, hears her laugh.
“Wait, dumbass, let me turn around first!”
Jess, grinning ear to ear, pretends not to hear her and continues walking her backwards.
“Jess!” Lupe laughs, struggling, till the backs of her legs hit the front of the couch and she falls backwards into it with an “Oof!”
Lupe looks up at her with a playfully angry look, then, faster than Jess can react to, lunges forward and wraps her arms around Jess’ legs, then pulls at them until Jess falls on the couch on top of her.
“Hey!” Jess protests as she untangles herself from Lupe, but she’s laughing, and Lupe’s laughing too, which is the best sound of all. Jess changes her position until she’s got a hold of Lupe’s forearms, pinning her to the couch, and Lupe raises her eyebrows at her.
“Got me right where you want me, eh McCready?” she asks.
Jess flashes a grin at her. “Always,” she says, and so what if it’s an answer that doesn’t make a ton of sense? Lupe lets out a short laugh, and her eyes crinkle up and if this is “always,” then Jess doesn’t want to be anywhere else.
So she kisses Lupe, kisses her mouth, then kisses her neck. She rolls to the side so she is between Lupe and the couch and props her head up on one hand.
Lupe smiles at her for a minute, then blinks as time goes on and her eyes grow more serious. “What?” she asks, lifting up slightly in alarm.
Jess doesn’t move. “Just looking at you,” she says.
Lupe relaxes. “Oh,” she says. She sinks back down off her elbows, then shimmies so she’s on her side facing Jess. She takes Jess’ free hand and places it near the small of her back. “You have to hold me so I don’t fall off this couch,” she says, and Jess laughs.
“Ok,” she says. She holds Lupe to her, rubbing her back slowly. She watches Lupe sink into the touch for a moment, then looks her in the eyes. “How are you feeling?” she asks.
Lupe closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. “Better,” she says upon exhaling. She looks Jess in the eyes, then drops the contact, reaching up to fiddle with the hem of Jess’ shirt. Jess waits for her to speak.
“I…” Lupe starts, then pauses. “Well first I want to apologize for getting all…like this,” she gestures at her face, “about an air fryer…”
Jess just shrugs. “It seemed like it was bigger than that,” she prompts.
Lupe sighs. “It was,” she says. She fiddles with Jess’ shirt again. “I get a little nervous…about…moving in. It’s a big step!” She begins walking her fingers up the folds in the shirt. “I believe in us, don’t get me wrong,” she says, “I just haven’t…done this in a while.” She swallows. “There’s always been safety in having two places and just…this has gone badly for me in the past…”
Jess nods, presses Lupe’s back once to tell her her hand is moving, then brings it up to cup Lupe’s cheek.
“It’s weird,” Lupe says, “because I really do believe in us…” She trails off and Jess knows that she’s said what she can for this moment. She takes a moment to choose her words.
“Well,” she says finally, “I think that that reaction makes sense.”
Lupe looks at her. “You do?”
Jess nods. “I do.” She holds Lupe’s face in her hands and tugs it back and forth for a moment. “You just said it yourself: it’s a big step. The last time you did this, it ended badly.” Jess shrugs her free shoulder. “I’d be worried if you weren’t worried about it.” Lupe huffs out a laugh again and knits her eyebrows together. Jess reaches up to smooth out the space between her eyebrows. “But I also believe what I said,” she says. “You and I can get through anything.”
Again, Lupe closes her eyes. Again she knits her brows, scrunches her face, folds into her body–until she begins to nod. And once she starts nodding, she opens her eyes again, locks them with Jess. “I think you’re right,” she says, and the little, nervous, fluttery part of Jess’ heart settles down. “I think you’re right.”
-----
There is, of course, more to do. There’s a place to pick out, for one. There are talks about rent money, whether they’ll hire movers, whose couch they’ll take, and more. But, for now, there is hope, and there is trust, and there is love.
And Jess feels like that’s half the battle.
-----
It’s only a week later that Lupe comes into Jess’ apartment carrying a box in both arms and looking steadfastly anywhere but at Jess.
Jess, who’s been washing potatoes in the sink, dries her hands and watches her, perplexed. “Hey Lu,” she says as Lupe breezes past her into the kitchen, “how was your day?”
Lupe sets the box on the kitchen table and turns so that she’s positioned between it and Jess. “Ok,” she says, holding her hands out in a calming motion. “Before you say anything, Esti’s abuela sent this for her birthday but it got here late and she already had one, so she begged me to take it! I swear!” She holds her hands up as if in surrender.
Jess leans against the counter, bemused. “Well what is it, Lu?” she asks. Lupe hesitates, which only succeeds in making Jess laugh. “Lupe,” she says, “what is it? Why all the secrecy?”
Lupe looks her straight in the eyes, then sighs and motions her forward. “Come here.” Jess walks over and leans against the table as Lupe turns around and opens the box.
The box, or rather, the outer box, is a brown cardboard box that looks like the gift was probably shipped in it. Lupe opens that, then reaches in and pulls out a glossier white cardboard box that says–
Jess guffaws. “Uh, is that an Airfryer, Lu?” she asks.
Lupe shifts the box to the crook of her arm and uses her other hand to point in Jess’ face. “It was a gift from Esti, McCready. She said ‘Take it, please!’-" Lupe clasps her hands together and mimes begging, before bringing her finger up to point at Jess again, "-and who would I be to deny her that!” Jess snickers and Lupe pouts. “You’re laughing,” she says.
Jess doesn’t bother to hide it now and she doubles over. “It’s just,” she says, wiping a tear away, “your face!” She reaches out to cup Lupe’s cheek and Lupe swats her hand away. “Baby,” Jess says, still laughing. “Baby, you don’t need to be embarrassed about it!” Lupe raises her eyebrows at her and Jess takes that as a cue to take in a deep breath and calm her laughter a little.
“Listen McCready, if we don’t like it, I can give it to Maybelle or Ana or someone, but you at least have to let me try it out.”
Jess sobers up a little bit more at that. “Oh no,” she says, “Lupe, you should definitely try it out!” Lupe cocks an eyebrow at her, scowling. Jess grimaces. “Shit,” she mutters, then louder, “I really mean that. I didn’t mean to make you feel bad, Lu, honest.” She gestures at Lupe. “You just came in here all–” she drops her voice low and mimics hiding a package, “‘–don’t look at me’ and I thought it was funny. But I don’t want you to feel like you can’t try things out and I’m going to try not to shoot things down that you’re excited about before I even give them a shot.” She clenches and unclenches her fists self-consciously. “I’m sorry about last week,” she adds lamely.
Lupe’s still scowling, but it’s lost its intensity. “Well, we have to try it for Esti,” she says.
“For Esti,” Jess agrees.
“And,” Lupe whips the finger back up into Jess’ face, “you have to help me with it.”
“Of course.”
Jess nods solemnly at Lupe, then begins inching closer. Lupe doesn’t move a muscle, even as Jess bypasses her outstretched arm, leaning in, closer and closer, until she plants a quick kiss on Lupe’s pursed lips.
“So,” Jess asks, “what’s the first step?”
They work in tandem, Jess chopping as Lupe seasons, Lupe wiping the counters as Jess does the dishes. The process is so startlingly fast that Jess actually has dishes left by the time it’s over.
And the potatoes? Perfection.