Chapter Text
The lair was in shambles. The place they called home for the past two years was officially gone; destroyed and turned to rubble by their unfortunate enemy, Karai. Leonardo wished he was warned earlier about the attack, then maybe he could’ve had more time to warn his family or even stop this from happening. Yet at the same time, he wished he was still training with the ancient one. There was still so much he needed to learn. Not only skill-wise but also about himself. Despite being sent to train under his wing to learn how to defeat his inner demons, there was still one that was eating him away constantly. He was able to ignore this just fine when he was away, but now that he’s back home, standing in the place he once called his room, that demon couldn’t help but creep back to taunt him as he stared at a broken katana.
How unfortunate that the first gift his best friend gave him now lay broken in a busted wooden chest. The wooden chest is where Leo kept his most prized possessions, which not only included the katana but also all the letters that he exchanged with Usagi throughout the past two years. Leo was on his hands and knees pushing away the bits of the ceiling that fell to the floor in hopes to salvage whatever he could from the chest. Thankfully not too much was damaged; a few ripped pictures that he could tape up. The same includes the letters, the most recent ones at the top were a bit torn but it was nothing tape couldn’t fix. The katana on the other hand… he didn’t know what to do. Yes, he could fix it himself, but it wouldn’t feel the same to him anymore. Until he could figure out what to do with it, he just wrapped the pieces in his old bedsheet that he managed to rip out from the rubble.
Back at the new lair, Leo sets down a crate in his new room. He really hopes this is the last time they have to move. He hates getting attached to things only to end up losing them again soon after. In a way, the same thing can unfortunately apply to people too. Luckily, he didn’t get to have the chance to think about that more as he heard one of his brothers walk in.
Leonardo watches as his brother Donatello knocks on different areas of the wall and inspects for any cracks, mold, or anything that would need fixing in the future. “Hmm, I’m most likely going to add fans and heaters into each of the rooms now that we live on the topside. The walls have a thin layer of insulation, so winters are going to get especially cold if we’re not prepared. Wouldn’t want to go through hibernation again, huh Leo?”
Leo chuckled at the remark. “Haha, I thought you said turtles don’t hibernate.”
“Oh come on, I’m trying to joke here.” Donatello sheepishly laughed as he rubbed the back of his neck, “But for the record, no we don’t hibernate. Although we might as well be since we practically become completely immobile if we get too cold. At least that was when we were younger, the cold certainly doesn’t affect us as much now as it did before. Who knows, maybe many years in the future, we could be as resistant to the cold as Casey and April. The mutagen in our body is still adapting. Almost as if we’re speeding through an evolution.”
“Uh huh,” Leo couldn’t help but tilt his head a bit in confusion at that last part. “Well if you end up needing help setting up those fans and heaters, I’ll be here.” he went back to the crate he set on the floor and took out the stuff he was able to save from the chest.
Donnie frowned when he saw Leo pull out a stack of letters. “Hey, aren’t those the letters Usagi sends you?”
Leo paused and looked back at his brother, “Uh, yeah, why?”
“Nothing,” he said, “it’s just… I just remembered that a few letters for you came while you were away with the ancient one.”
“Really!?” hearing that, Leo immediately stood up and turned to face his brother.
“Yeah but… sorry Leo, but I don’t think we’ll be able to recover them. The place where we kept them is completely buried in rubble. It would take some serious heavy lifting to get through all that broken ceiling.” Donatello watched as his brother sighed and went back to sorting through his stuff. “You haven’t spoken to him since, have you?”
“What do you mean.” It wasn’t even a question. Leo knew exactly what Donnie was talking about. He just didn’t want to admit it to himself.
Donnie signed, already knowing the answer. “Look, you really shouldn’t be mad at him. He didn’t know someone was following him. Not to mention that he dropped everything he was doing the moment Master Splinter asked him to come. If you don’t consider that a true friend then I don’t know-”
“I’m not mad at him! If anything I’m mad at myself.” Leo grabbed the letters and some old photos and began to place them on his ‘new’ desk. “I shouldn’t have treated him so coldly right before he left. I was angry, but the ancient one taught me that holding on to grudges and anger only clouds the mind and prevents me from moving forward. It’s just, I don’t know if he would accept my apology. Especially since he probably thinks I’ve been ignoring him for the past few months.”
“Well if you want ‘my’ advice,” Donnie bumped Leo’s shoulder before heading towards the door, “You should pick up a pencil and write back.” with that he was gone and Leo was left alone with his unwanted thoughts.
‘ Great, ’ he thought, ‘Like I didn’t look enough like a freak already, now I have to think like one too.’
That night Leo stared at a blank piece of paper. Everyone was asleep, yet Leo’s frustration on what to do forced him to stay awake until he came to some sort of decision. Or until his thoughts could quiet down. At a young age, the turtles had to learn that they were different and that they could never expose themselves to the outside world. No one would easily accept them for who they are and horrible things would happen to them if they were exposed. It wasn’t until they turned 15 did Leo and his brother finally knew what Master Splinter meant. While not all humans know they exist, only a handful of the ones that do know treat them with kindness and respect. The other ones unfortunately try to kidnap or murder them. But it was fine. They grew up knowing everyone couldn’t easily accept them.
…
That was only for their physical appearance, though.
Leonardo knows how they’re treated. He sees them getting chased and beaten and sometimes even killed. On the news, he’ll see certain bars and ‘safe’ areas getting destroyed and raided out of hate and disgust. People see them as a disease, a disease that didn’t deserve to live, leaving them to suffer and die in the Aids crisis that started 14 years ago. Even to this day, they’re still suffering. Watching all of this happen only makes Leo despise himself more for what he is. This family, these friends, they were all he had. His brothers looked up to him. His father thinks highly of him. And his friends respect him.
He hated that day when things started to click for him. All his life he grew up watching the guy always getting the girl, or watching the girl finally succeed in getting the guy to fall for her. The turtles accepted at a young age that relationships were most likely something that would never happen to them given their circumstances. But they could dream. Unfortunately for Leo, they were the wrong type of dreams. There were times when he would watch the main character have more emotion and personality when he was with his best friend, yet not so much when he was around the main love interest. Sometimes he dreams that he replaced the main character or the best friend and rearranges the original scene to his fitting. To what he thinks should have happened. He kept these thoughts to himself, of course. The only things he felt in the morning after having such thoughts were fear, shame, and guilt. Oh, how he hated his thoughts. He wanted nothing more than to bury every single emotion he had until they disappeared on their own. And if that doesn’t work, then he’ll punish himself by pushing his own training harder than his brothers. He’ll do anything to get rid of them.
He tried.
He really tried.
He really tried to replace these thoughts by looking at the women in shows and movies. He’d find anything on the woman that he could lock his focus on in hopes it could get his mind to change its ways. But no matter how hard he tried, he always ended up looking at the men next to them. Their tall, masculine build was something he couldn’t tear his eyes from. And when that happens, Leo lays awake at night and sometimes he cries wondering why he couldn’t at least be a little normal like his brothers. What would they think of him if they found out? So many awful answers came to his mind. Answers that he should know could never be true. His brothers were not like that, they would never do anything to purposefully hurt him. Yet the thoughts never stop. In fact, the thoughts only got worse over time. Especially during his teenage stage.
He wished his best friend was an exception to these, but who was he kidding? Miyamoto Usagi was his first proper friend. Not like April and Casey, whom he has more of a sibling relationship with, not to mention they were closer towards Donnie and Raph. Usagi was different. He was a friend he could talk to about anything. And their friendship would only get stronger after each letter. At one point Usagi began sending him poems and art that he made. Samurai are encouraged to pursue multiple skills to sharpen their mind, so Usagi ends up sharing his hobbies with his dear friend. Leo always loved reading his poems and looking at drawings of beautiful scenery from his homeworld. Sometimes he wondered what it would be like if he was there with him. Would he read the poems to him in person? Would he show him all the most beautiful places that he’s been to?
Why would he think this way about his friend. He didn’t want to think of his friend like this. Would Usagi feel disgusted if he found out this was how Leo thought of him? Leo already answered that question himself. He obviously didn’t know if it was true but to him, it was better to pretend that his friend would hate him if he ever found out. It was easier for him that way. As long as Usagi didn’t know how he felt, he could easily keep these thoughts buried deep down. It was simple. No one needs to know what he is.
It was so so simple, yet it hurt so much. Leonardo couldn’t help the tears silently drip down his face. He buried his face into his hands to muffle out any noise he made. Oh, how his heart ached, not only thinking this way of his friend, but for forcing himself to keep this from his family. He felt like he’d betrayed them all in some way. He didn’t even know if this was something the Ancient One could help him with. Would the Ancient One even be willing to help him again if he told him? The paranoia of the situation only made Leo cry harder. He feels as though he can trust no one. Everyone is going to be out to get him. None of his friends and family would ever want to be near him again. All because he was sick in the head, and Leo didn’t know if this was a disease he could cure.
In the end, Leo never ended up sending a letter back. As much as he hated the way he left things with him, maybe it was for the best if he never saw him again. If Leo was going to end up having more of these thoughts while Usagi was around, he might as well stop them by never seeing him again. He didn’t want to permanently lose his best friend, but if this was what it took to finally cure himself, then he had no choice but to cut ties. His family was first, after all. That includes their approval of him.
Unfortunately, not hearing anything back for months made the rabbit worry. Much to Leo’s dismay, Usagi ended up finding time to create a portal back to the turtle’s world. But with no one having contact with him during all this time, Usagi had no idea what happened to their home.
Stepping out from the portal, Usagi covered his mouth in disbelief as he saw the home of his friend torn to pieces. Everything was broken and caved in. There was barely any room for him to maneuver. His heart started racing as he feared for what had happened to his friend. He called out in hopes that someone could hear him. Then again, he has no idea how long the lair has been like this. Usagi climbed and carefully stepped around through the caved-in lair and started looking around for any sort of clues as to what could have happened to his friends, or if his friends were even still here.
No. No! Where was everyone!? Where are his friends, where is Leonardo? How could this have happened… why does this always happen to him? Is that his curse as a Ronin? To have happiness ripped away from him? This feeling was all too familiar. Every time something good happens to him, they are immediately ripped away from him. He thought that maybe this could be different. That maybe the universe was finally giving him some sort of break. But no. Someone he loves and/or cares about always has to be ripped away from him. Always out of reach last minute. And out of all the people it had to be them… It had to be Leonardo. He didn’t even get to tell him the truth.
Usagi made it to Leonardo’s room and witnessed the unfortunate state it was in. His mind started racing with horrible thoughts. He wondered if Leonardo’s body was buried under the large collapsed ceiling. The thought made him hurry to the pile and immediately attempt to push everything out of the way but it was just too heavy. After a while of futile attempts, Usagi kneeled to the floor and began to uncontrollably sob. He just wanted his friend back. Oh Gods please give him back his friends. How many more terrible events does he have to go through before the universe finally decides that it was enough. How many more punishments until he could finally have a happy ending. Or was he fated to forever be alone and endure eternal suffering.
This wasn’t fair to the people around him. And as much as he wanted to stay here and mourn for the loss of his friends, he needed to know what happened. He couldn’t go on not knowing what or who caused this all to happen. It’s been a while but maybe if he went to the topside, he could remember where April’s home was. They took a pit stop there on the night he and Genosuke were being toured around the city. Hopefully, nothing happened to them and they were still there to give him some sort of explanation.
Usagi almost forgot how confusing it was going around the city. Many of the buildings looked the same and they were packed together. Not to mention how full of people the city was even at night. As much as he wanted to stop and take in all the scenery once more, his heart ached even more knowing that this was the scenery where he last spent time with his friends. Looking at it would never feel the same if they were not here with him. So he continued on with his search. He’ll admit, he’s not used to jumping from building to building and keeping at a steady speed after landing. He’s much better at running through the plain fields back home. There was no need for him to go on rooftops and jump from one to another. Yet he still pushed through and desperately searched around for the human’s home.
At one point Usagi got too tired to continue. He stopped and rested behind the leg of a billboard. Time was flying fast and he was worried he wouldn’t find April before morning. Once the sun was up, it would be much more difficult to continue his search in the daylight. Now that he wasn’t concentrating on his running, he went back to thinking about his friends. He would give anything just to see them again.
As if his prayers were answered, he heard an all too familiar voice behind him. “Usagi? Is that you?”
Immediately, Usagi turned to look behind him. There, standing a few feet away from him, was none other than his dearest friend, Leonardo. Usagi couldn’t believe it. He was alive. His best friend was alive. Without a second thought, he jumped to his feet and ran towards him, almost tripping in the process. After fearing for hours of all the worst possible things he could imagine about the well-being of his friends, and after months of not seeing or speaking to him, any and all formalities were immediately thrown out the window as he ran up to Leonardo and hugged him like his life depended on it. He feared that the moment he let go, Leo would be gone in an instant.
Leonardo’s shock only lasted a few moments before he finally hugged him back. It had been so long since they’d last spoken to each other, yet here they were now, in each other’s embrace. Their hearts were screaming how right this felt, how this is how it should always be. Being in each other’s embrace was something neither of them even knew how desperately they both craved. It felt nothing but pure bliss knowing that the other person was still here and existed right before them. They didn’t know how long they’d been hugging each other, neither of them saying a word.
It wasn’t until Leonardo’s own thoughts ruined this beautiful moment. Whispering to him the whole reason why he stopped talking to him and then making him feel guilty for worrying his friend like that. Maybe if he had written to him at least once like Don told him to, he wouldn’t be seeing his friend shaking like this as he held him tight. But even so, he let go of the hug and firmly put his hands on Usagi’s shoulders. He couldn’t help but look into his lovely red eyes that he missed oh so much, yet he could clearly tell that these lovely eyes had been shedding tears for who knows how long.
Snapping back to reality, he finally spoke after realizing that his friend had been staring at him too. “Usagi,” he said, concern taking over, “What are you doing here!? Why are you out here alone, what if someone saw you?”
Concerned. Of course he was concerned, that was Leonardo for you. Usagi breathed out a small lighthearted chuckle, “Well, I assumed you would not have taken a liking to seeing Gen again after what happened last time. That it would have been better if I came alone to check on you, Leonardo. You worried me. I know we did not part on good terms last time, but you did not answer my letters and I was concerned for your well-being.” Usagi had to take a pause. He can clearly see that his friend was here in front of him yet it still hurts so much to see his home in shambles. “I… I was so afraid when I saw the state of your home. I thought… I thought I lost you. I thought you and your family were buried under the broken ceiling. I did not know what to do other than find your friend April and ask her what happened.” Usagi felt Leonardo’s grip tighten on his shoulder once he finished speaking. He did not say anything about it but instead found comfort. In return he tightened his grip on his friend’s arms, just to prove that he was still here.
Leonardo couldn’t believe what he was hearing. How could he have let his friend go through that? This was all his fault. If he wasn’t such a coward and wrote back, none of this would have happened. “I’m so sorry, Usagi. I’ve never meant to make you worry like that and I definitely shouldn’t have treated you the way that I did last time. You were only trying to help me and I brushed off your advice like it was nothing-”
“No, Leonardo. Do not blame yourself for this.” he interrupted, knowing full well
Leo was going to shift the full blame onto himself. “I had forgiven you a long time ago, my friend. I understood your frustrations, yet I could see that I was not the right person to help you. I only wish to know what happened and speak to my dearest friend once more.”
‘ Oh gods, there he goes again, ’ Leo thought to himself, ‘ How is it that Usagi always knows the right words to say. ’ he stopped himself before his thoughts could go any further.
“Heh,” Leo put on the best smile he could muster, “Honestly, Usagi, sometimes I wish you weren’t so easily forgiving of me. But now that you’re here, let’s catch up. I’ll tell you everything that’s happened so far. “
The rabbit seemed to finally relax a bit after hearing that. He let out a sigh and smiled back. “Please. I am very curious to know what has happened.”
Leonardo and Usagi sat at the edge of the building and talked about everything that had happened.
Time flew by fast as the two endlessly talked about everything they could. At one point neither of them could sit still anymore and continued their conversation hopping around the rooftops. It was easier for Usagi to maneuver around the rooftops with an expert telling him where to jump, and where to land, but their conversation never stopped. Even if he’s never met Karai, after hearing everything that she’s done to Leonardo’s family, he couldn’t help but feel a growing hatred towards her. Yet he understood fully well how she had to stay loyal to someone who was not only her master but also her father. He admired Leonardo even more after hearing him say that he spared her life and gave her a second chance to never go near his family again. It showed how much he’s truly changed since their last encounter.
Before they knew it, the sun was starting to rise. Both of them stood at the edge and said nothing as they watched the beautiful scene in front of them. Usagi had seen many sunrises in his lifetime yet this one was so much more wonderful than he could ever imagine. Because now not only did he get to see the beginning of another day in a different world, but he gets to see a beautiful face right next to it as well. He couldn’t help but study his friend's features as the beautiful colors decorated his face with hues of yellow and orange. Leonardo has certainly come a long way since they first met. Despite Leo already being a few inches taller than him during their first meeting (not counting the ears), he has certainly been growing much quicker than he has. Usagi could see a much clearer distance in their height, now needing to look slightly more up to speak to him. But he didn’t mind. He kind of liked how tall he was, to be honest. Although he could tell he wasn’t going to be able to catch up to him any time soon.
After a few minutes, Leo turned his head to see Usagi looking at him. He blushed at how softly Usagi was staring at him and almost stuttered at his words. “Is um- ahem - is something wrong?”
Although he didn’t say anything at first, Usagi looked away for a bit as if wondering what he should say next. After everything that’s happened today, he doesn’t see it as right to keep this from him anymore. He thought his dearest friend had died before he could confess and here was the universe giving him a second chance to right his wrongs on a silver platter. “Leonardo I-” Strange, he was choking up. Every day he always thought of the words to say yet now everything he had mentally prepared for was gone. Still, he was determined to speak his mind. He swallowed a lump in his throat and took a deep breath. “I thought I had lost the chance to tell you the truth. But now that I see I was given a second chance, I do not want to waste it.”
“What do you mean?” he turned to fully face him and Usagi did the same.
Tears started to build in his eyes once more but he dared not to let them drop. Instead, he took Leonardo’s hand into his own and stared deeply into his masked eyes. “Please do not feel pressured by this, Leonardo, I do not expect for you to accept this but I feel as though I can no longer keep this from you. “
Leonardo’s mind was black. He didn’t know what was happening but he could feel his heart racing and his face blushing more than before.
“I am in Love with you, Leonardo Splinterson. You do not know how much joy you bring me, even when I am simply reading your letters. I have missed you dearly, and if you do not feel the same I will understand. But at least let us continue being friends.”
He loved him? Usagi… loved him? But, this isn’t what he thought. This isn’t how the horrible scenarios in his head would go. He has to be dreaming. He has to. Because if this was real life, then… then. “I love you, too.”
WHAT!? NO. That wasn’t supposed to slip. He wasn’t supposed to say that. He can’t say that, it wasn’t allowed. He’s not allowed to say this to his male friend. How could he have let those disgusting words slip from his lips.
Before Usagi could even have the chance to tell him how happy he was to hear that, Leo pulled away and stepped back from him. This made Usagi confused. Why was Leo stepping back from him, did he not hear him right?
“No… No. No, I can’t accept that, I’m sorry.” Leonardo’s voice was shaking in fear. What could he do? This was never supposed to happen, he wasn’t prepared for this.
Usagi was more confused than ever. It felt harder to keep his tears at bay. In a soft and barely audible voice, he quivered a whisper of two words. “... Why not?”
Mimicking the tone of his voice, Leonardo responded with the same words that had been haunting him for the past year. “... I wish you were a girl.”
“What? I-Leonardo I don’t understand-”
“I said I wish you were a girl!” he shouted, tears down his face at the reality of the situation. “Why, why did you have to be a boy, why couldn’t I have fallen in love with a girl? Why did I have to fall in love with you!? It’s not fair.”
Usagi stepped closer and tried to reach out to comfort him, “Why is it so bad that I am not a woman?”
“You don’t understand, Usagi!” Leo smacked his hand away and stepped away from him. “I’m not allowed to love you. I’m not allowed to love a man! It’s forbidden! Men who fall in love with other men are treated as horrible monsters here. And no matter how hard I try, I can’t love a woman or find one attractive. It’s bad enough that I’m a mutant and I can’t be accepted regardless. But now I’m a worse freak than my brothers! And you!” His breath quivered as he tried to regain himself but the situation only felt like it was only going to get worse from here. He couldn’t dare to look at his friend in the eyes. All he could do was wipe the tears away as he continued. “I just had to fall for you, didn’t I? But I thought it was going to be easy. I thought all I had to do was push and bury my feelings until they went away on their own. I even fed myself horrible lies just to make sure they stayed buried. But now… now I know those lies aren’t true. And I think I can’t stand next to you anymore, knowing that you feel this way about me. I… I’m sorry, but I think I can’t be friends with you anymore.”
Usagi couldn’t believe what he was hearing, Forbidden? How could this be? While yes, two men having a relationship with each other in his world is usually under certain circumstances, it still wasn’t too uncommon to see a pair wandering around with each other. But to be completely forbidden? He could hear the shatter in Leonardo’s voice. He desperately wanted to comfort him but he’s made it painfully obvious that he messed up. The universe has given him his friend back and he abused the moment.
He wanted to say something. Anything! No please, this can’t be last the last time they see each other, he just got him back. He needs to fix this. Please fix this. Say something, SAY ANYTHING! PLEASE DON’T MAKE ME LEAVE! “I-I am sorry. I did not know.”
Leo still refused to look at him. He was embarrassed enough, he knew looking at him would only make things worse. “It’s not your fault. The Ancient One taught me how to fix many of my problems, but this is a disease that cannot be cured. I’m sorry, I really am. But we can’t be friends anymore. Please leave and don’t come back. Before my family finds out about this-”
“Do you truly believe your brothers, your father, would cast you out for this, Leonardo!?”
“I’d rather stay silent than find out! I’m not going to risk losing my family again, Usagi. I can’t stand the thought of them thinking of me differently if they found out. I don’t want them to hate me or refuse to be around me because they’ll see me as disgusting. So please. Just go.”
There was so much Usagi wanted to say but how could he? It was clear that Leonardo had made up his mind and there was nothing he could do about it. He could either end things here or make things worse. Not wanting to risk making things worse than they already were, he agreed with Leonardo’s terms and turned to leave. “I’m sorry, Leonardo. I truly am. But I will respect your wishes. I hope to cross paths with you again one day.” There was so much more that Usagi wanted to say but he knew nothing he said would fix this. He turned and left, just like he was ordered to. It wouldn’t be hard for him to back home anyway. He just had to draw the portal on an alleyway wall.
Despite everything that just happened, Leo watched at a distance to make sure Usagi went back to his home dimension without any trouble. But even after watching as the portal closed behind him, he still stared. He hated himself now more than ever. Usagi came to check up on him and he pushed him away again. But this time it was permanent. No amount of apologies could fix what he has done.