Chapter Text
What happens when you remove a child’s home?
I’m not talking just about the place they sleep in, I’m talking about the foundation of who they are. What happens when you remove not only their physical bed but the memory of their childhood room. Their mother’s face, their school friends. The meals that they must have enjoyed. The childish antics, the bad laughs. The things I must have surely had that made up my sense of self.
The answer is simple, you’re left with an empty vessel.
This is a story from seven days ago.
My first memory was that of screaming, though it wouldn’t be accurate to call it that. Screaming is supposed to end at some point. But all around me, it’s like the world itself was roaring.
The earth cracked with every step I took, everything shook violently. I saw houses crumble within seconds, and I couldn’t even hear the sound of my violent coughing as the air continuously filled with the dust of the fallen. Even so, I kept moving.
The sky was endlessly black, filling up with smog that surely threatened to envelop the world. Black ink rained from the smog, filling the world with a dark mist. I kept walking.
I saw monsters dying to save each other, parents dying to save kids, kids dying to save siblings, kids dying to save parents, neighbors dying for each other. The common thread was the constant self-sacrifice followed by pointless death, followed by another sacrifice.
I didn’t understand it. Surely they knew each other, but this struggle couldn’t have had that much meaning.
As people around me died, I took the only course of action that made sense to me.
In the distance, a massive geyser rose endlessly into the sky, filling it with blackness. Common sense would dictate to run away from it, but for some reason, I kept walking towards it. My body was on autopilot, and thus, I kept moving.
Throwing away the chance to help others. Throwing away my memory. Throwing away my feelings. Grim Determination was all I had, even as I coughed violently, even as my ears bled and my feet bruised with every step. Even as the violent earthquake threatened to break my bones through sheer vibration alone, even as I felt nerves tear and blood gush from my nose and mouth. I kept my tongue pressed against the roof of my mouth, fearing I might bite through it if it was found between my teeth. The nightmare kept going, and I kept moving with it.
This body must have been made for pain.
Eventually, I lost consciousness, and when I opened my eyes again, the world was much quieter than before. The skies were bright.
Holding me was another kid, a goat boy crying tear after tear, a smile on his face. As if he was glad to help even just one person.
“ Thank The Angel… Thank The Angel you’re alive…”
I didn’t understand a single thing that was going on, but…
I wondered, deeply, if I had bothered to save someone else, would I be smiling like that?
I was apparently asleep for three days, though I didn’t know this until much later.
When I woke up, I found myself in a hospital room. I didn’t know what a hospital was, but I found the room deeply unpleasant. Around me were other people, all kids, monsters who were in a deep sleep in their beds. I wanted to get up and leave, but I was hooked up to some weird hospital stuff.
I didn’t mind ripping it out, but there was a doctor there who scolded me, so I decided to follow orders for now.
Not long after that, the door opened to reveal a tall, plush goat lady. I wondered if maybe I’d been asleep for so long that the goat boy I remembered was grown up now, and a girl.
“Greetings my child…”
She spoke in a slow, gentle voice. I could tell she was trying to be careful as if walking on eggshells. For some reason, I thought she looked a bit sad.
I didn’t respond, I didn’t know how to do so properly. I had no memory of ever talking to anyone, so the proper conduct escaped me.
“My name is Toriel, would it be fine to ask your name?”
I know I’m supposed to answer questions honestly when I get them, to do otherwise is unacceptable. I open my mouth to try to answer but-
COUGHCOUGH-WHEEEEZE-
I couldn’t breathe- I couldn’t breathe- talking was impossible, my throat hurt too much from even trying.
I must have been thrashing helplessly, I punched Miss Toriel reflexively when she got close. Rather than react, however, she put her hand on my throat, muttering some words I did not understand. I thought she might be choking me, but I didn’t feel afraid, I thought dying here would be okay.
“Our Angel in Heaven, I selfishly ask this of you, forgive that which touched death’s hand…”
Her touch felt warm, as she pressed her hand on me my cough began to go away as did the pain. When I looked at the lady, I saw that her hand glowed with green lines, it's hard to describe without the proper vocabulary.
“Do you feel better, my child?”
I tested making a small sound, it didn’t hurt. Humming, I decided to answer the questions in order.
“I don’t know,”
…
“Yes.”
Miss Toriel looked at me with a benign, confused smile, but soon it turned into an expression I can’t describe, something akin to a deep sympathy.
“Ah, you mean you have no name?”
I nodded.
She hums…A part of me couldn’t help but think she looked as if she was struck with a deep certainty like she couldn’t stop herself from acting a certain way.
It was then that she asked me a question.
“Dear…There is something I must ask of you, it is very important.”
I tilted my head.
“We must discuss the matters of where you will live,” She gives a measured pause. I get that I'm supposed to feel some sort of weight with that statement, but nothing comes to mind. "I would love to take care of you if you would let me. The church is also an orphanage, ultimately the choice is yours."
Though there were a few words I didn’t recognize, I understood what she meant. Go with her, or let another stranger have me.
In truth, it was a neutral set of choices. I couldn’t possibly see what lay ahead of either path, but I could sense the hopefulness behind her question. She, for whatever reason, wanted me in her home.
I didn’t understand why, until I realized she must be that boy’s creator, or at least related to him.
So of course I thought “If she helps me, she will be happy.”
And then, subsequently, I realized I wanted her to be happy too because then I would be happy. That’s how that works right?
Yes, surely the emptiness I had been feeling the entire conversation would go away.
So I made the only choice that mattered.