Chapter Text
Twas Christmas Eve at SHIELD's base of operations, and the agents inside were working tirelessly to unlock the secrets of their magical artifact, the Tesseract. "Is the portal almost ready, Selvig?" Director Nick Fury asked the Scandinavian scientist.
"Hard to say." Doctor Erik Selvig responded. "This cube's got a mind of its own!"
"Well, get it to change its mind and hurry up: it's Christmas Eve already!"
Selvig scoffed. "Never met a SHIELD agent yet who wasn't pushy."
Doctor Selvig continued to fiddle with his machine, while Clint "Hawkeye" Barton watched the Tesseract from the balcony above, wanting to get home to spend Christmas with his family. Suddenly, the cube began to glow, opening a portal to another world.
"It's working! I can picture it now: Christmas on the Asgard of my childhood stories, with old Thor and his family!" Selvig exclaimed.
"Easy, Doctor." Fury told him. "Just stabilize the Tesseract for now and then-"
Fury was cut off as the portal exploded into blue flame, and out of it stood a tall, dark, and handsome man in green and black Asgardian leather, wielding a magic scepter. They stared him down as he looked around at the armed men surrounding him. Hawkeye moved quickly to Fury's side, unsure of what to make of this.
"Sir, please put the spear down!" Fury warned their untimely guest. "We are agents of SHIELD, and you've just teleported yourself into a restricted area."
Their visitor kept his grip and jerked his head slightly at him. "I knew it was you: I could smell you coming through the portal."
Fury winced. He knew he should have regifted the cologne Stark gave him this year.
"I am Loki of Asgard, and I am burdened with glorious vengeance. You were here last night too, weren't you?!" Loki continued as Director Fury became increasingly puzzled. "You were here, and you were smooching with my brother!"
Selvig gaped, losing what little respect he gained for Thor since they met while Fury shook his head. "I'm afraid you're mistaken. I've never even met your brother."
"Don't give me that!" Loki protested. "You've all been smooching with my brother: Agents Pierce, Romanoff, Coulson, Steve Rogers, little Theo with the gimpy leg, Clint…
Everyone at the base turned to Hawkeye, who tried his best not to react to his name being called, but he was visibly upset. "It's a lie. He's a liar, Sir."
"I could go on forever, but I don't have all day, unlike some people." Loki went on.
Fury nodded. "Neither do we. I believe you're mistaken: I don't even smooch my own mother."
Loki peered down at his weapon. "Alright. I believe you, but my magic scepter does not!" The mischievous man warned. He pointed his scepter to the ground. "Get down on your knees and tell me you love me."
"What?"
Hawkeye went for his gun, but Loki grabbed him and poked him in the heart with his scepter, taking control of the archer's mind. Hawkeye slowly knelt down, putting his gun away. "I… I love you."
"You've got to do better than that!" Loki threatened, pointing his scepter at the others. Selvig and the others panicked, kneeling just as Hawkeye did.
"WE LOVE YOU!" They proclaimed together.
"Whom do you love?" Loki asked, wanting to bask in the moment.
"WE LOVE YOU, THOR'S BROTHER!"
Loki fumbled his weapon out of his hand for a split second, and he grimaced at the others, but he quickly regained his composure. He gave a superficial smirk. "Maybe I'm off my hinges, but I believe you. That's why I'm going to let you go."
Selvig and his fellow scientists sighed in relief until Loki began to speak again. "I'm going to give you until the count of three to get your lousy, lying, lowdown, four-flushing carcasses out my door!"
"It's my door." Fury calmly replied.
"One…" Loki began as the armed agents aimed their guns at him and the scientists backed away. "Two…" The angry Asgardian started to rapid fire bright blue beams from his magic scepter, one-shotting everyone in the room before they could react, laughing maniacally. "EHEHEHE! EHEHEHEHEHEHEHE!" Loki kept firing, any bullets that managed to hit him failing to harm him in the slightest, until everyone had fallen except Hawkeye, Selvig, and Fury.
Loki ceased his fire and his laughter for the moment. "Merry Christmas, you mewling quims!" He taunted before blasting Fury. "And a happy New Year." He added, and he fired a couple of shots to finish off the remaining two.
With everyone else in the building dead, Loki reactivated the portal, using the Tesseract, and went back home to enjoy his own Christmas.
Or so he thought he might. Unbeknownst to him, though, he was being watched by a being from another dimension beyond his understanding. A grey-haired man in a brown suit, with a mustache and a crinkled nose, raised his eyebrows and assessed the scene through a monitor in his office. "Loki, Loki, Loki… you've been a very naughty boy this year."