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The hum of the jets twin engines— their comfort and familiarity—worked to lull JJ to near drowsing while she cuddled into the corner of the couch, feet tucked up under her. Wrapped in her blanket, she let the warmth of the team’s chatter surround her, filling her with a sense of peace she only knew here. In the air on the way home from a long case, neatly wrapped up and handed over to the locals, she always felt safe. Ironically, she always got her most restful —if short—sleep curled up in one of the jets chairs, or head pillowed against the leather armrest of the couch.
Just as her eyes were about to close she felt the couch dip next to her, and a mug of tea appeared from an outstretched hand.
“Here,” Emily said, leaning closer, offering the tea. “You looked cold.”
“Wisconsin in December will do that,” JJ said, smiling as she took the tea from Emily’s hands. “Thanks, this is perfect.”
“Honestly, I’d rather not repeat Wisconsin in the winter. I don’t know if I’ve ever been so fucking cold.”
JJ laughed, feeling it rumble out of her chest and spill over into the small space between them. Settling herself more comfortably into her corner of the couch, she turned to face Emily.
“I’ll try to remember that next time I’m picking cases,” JJ laughed again, unable to help the sleepy grin she directed at Emily. “No midwest in the cold months. No matter how many bodies, screw them. It’s just too damn cold.”
Emily smiled back at her, it was bright, toothy, and her eyes sparkled with genuine affection. It made JJ’s breath catch, her mouth suddenly dry. Something about that smile felt special, felt like it was just for her. Like she was someone important to Emily, even though they’d only known each other a few short months. She felt her heart rate pick up, before she desperately tried to push those thoughts right back where they came from. Before she did or said something impulsively embarrassing.
God, she thought, are you so desperate for attention that a friendly smile from a coworker works you up? Get your shit together Jay.
JJ took a sip of the tea in an attempt to settle herself, the sweet taste of honey lingering on her tongue.
Oh.
It was perfect. Her throat had been raw, scratchy and hoarse, since her last press conference. Standing outside in the bitter cold and harsh wind, she had announced to reporters and the community that they’d located the last victim—a missing child— alive, though suffering from severe hypothermia. Projecting her voice over the frigid wind had been painful.
How did Emily know? JJ didn’t normally put anything in her tea to sweeten it, so how did Emily know that today the honey was a very welcome addition?
Maybe that was just Emily. Always thoughtful, quietly observant. She was still trying to find her place within the team, and despite her reserved demeanour and reticence to share much of anything personal, Emily had seemed to make it a goal to support her team members in whatever ways she could. She always offered to be the one to get coffee, or noticed when someone wasn’t quite themselves and was there with an encouraging word.
It was something JJ could understand and appreciate, being the member of the team who normally was the one to quietly organize things behind the scenes and make sure everyone else was taken care of and their jobs were made easier. And despite her instincts telling her that she’d been fine taking care of herself forever, that she didn’t need someone to notice when her throat was sore it was something she found she really liked. Even if it didn’t mean what she wanted it to.
Not that she was really all that sure she wanted it to mean anything. But Emily had wandered into the BAU with her box of personal belongings and a quiet determination that JJ had admired. It didn’t hurt that she was beautiful and charismatic and, most importantly, that she’d noticed JJ. From the very first case they worked together she acknowledged the work JJ put in, the job she did working with the families and opening doors for them that none of the others were equipped to do.
It had done a lot to bolster her self confidence, to have this gorgeous, virtual stranger come in and tell her she was amazing and say in that soft low tone of hers, “There’s no way I could do what you do. You have a real gift making people comfortable, JJ.”
It was probably that single comment right there that kick started this whole juvenile crush. Which instead of butterflies and endorphins was really like pounding her head against a wall. Because, first of all Emily was a colleague, second what interest would she have in a twenty-something girl from rural Pennsylvania nearly a decade her junior, and third she had no idea if Emily was even gay. She more than likely wasn’t. And if she was, she probably wouldn’t tell the team—her desire to separate work from personal evident even in the short time she’d been there. JJ had known them for over two years and as it were Garcia was the only one to know JJ’s own sexual preferences and that was mostly a lucky guess— or as Garcia had said, her impeccable gaydar.
She just needed to get her heart on the same page as her head and realize that it wasn’t care for her specifically, just Emily’s way of trying to be accepted by the team. But she had to admit it was a battle every time Emily would peak her head into JJ’s office when she was working late—buried behind a stack of never ending paperwork and case files— and ask if she had eaten.
“Hey,” Emily had said only four days ago, before they’d flown out to Wisconsin. “I don’t know if you grabbed lunch before, I haven’t seen you leave your office all day. But I know it’s past my dinner time and I’m starving. Want to grab something to eat with me?”
She said it so casually, leaning against the frame of JJ’s open office door, arms folded across her chest. She gave JJ a gentle smile, and her question had been so carefully constructed, as if she worried that the wrong phrasing, that implying she’d paid attention, knew JJ hadn’t eaten all day would be a push too far and would send JJ skittering away. And she was probably right.
As it was JJ could feel the blush heating her cheeks and was fighting the desire to say no. To tell Emily she was fine, that she had too much to do—even though it was seven and she had completely forgotten about lunch—because the offer was too much. It was too sweet. It was too hard for her to convince herself in her tired, hungry state that Emily would make this offer to anyone of the team—well maybe not Hotch and certainly not Gideon, but any of the others.
She had to say no, because the more she allowed Emily’s simple affections, the harder it would be for her damn feelings to be pushed aside and for her to effectively do her job.
The No was on the tip of her tongue, then with an aptly timed roll her stomach growled. It was a low, unmistakable gurgle, and goddammit.
Emily barked out a laugh, loud and unabashed, at odds with the soft affection in the shake of her head.
JJ looked down at her stomach, giving it a pat and sighed. “You’re going to get us in trouble,” she said, playfully directed at her unhappy tummy. “Well, I guess it’s a yes. I could definitely use something to eat.”
“Sounds good,” Emily said, still shaking her head affectionately. “You ready to go?”
Before she could say anything, her stomach, filled with nothing but coffee all day, grumbled again. “Yeah, I guess so.”
“JJ,” Emily began, a cautious note of concern in her voice. “When was the last time you ate.”
“If I told you the truth you’d end up saying something that would make you sound too much like my mother. And I don’t think either of us want that.”
“Jayje,” Emily sighed.
“I got too wrapped up in these case files,” JJ shrugged, closing the file she’d been making notes on, remembering the desperation in the detective’s voice on the phone when he told her that they’d had three missing kids in the same amount of months with absolutely no discernible connection. She set the file on the top of her stack, prepped to give to Hotch in the morning to see if they could do anything to help.
“Alright, well let’s get you fed,” Emily smiled, grabbing JJ’s coat from where she’d tossed it over the back of a chair earlier and holding it out for her. “I was just thinking the diner down the road? That sound okay?”
“Is that the one with all day breakfast?” JJ asked, feeling the smile forming despite her best efforts to subdue her enthusiasm. “I could go for some bacon.”
“And eggs?” Emily questioned.
“And French Toast.”
“Whatever you want, Jay,” Emily smiled and JJ couldn’t do anything but follow after that.
And that was exactly what she got, a plate of French toast with two sides of crispy bacon and a tea, while Emily ordered a club sandwich and fries and shook her head at the amount of syrup JJ doused her French toast with. It had been nice. More relaxed and comfortable than she thought an impromptu dinner with a coworker she’d barely known for four months should be.
It was also the first time in months she remembered coming home and getting a full nights rest. There was something about having spent time with Emily, chatting amiably over a breakfast at 7:30 in the evening that had left her feeling warm and at ease. Her time with Emily had allowed her to set aside the cases she’d been staring at all day, to forget just for a little while that she was the one who decided what victims got a chance to be heard and which ones didn’t.
She had gotten home, showered the stress of the day off and collapsed exhausted into bed. She barely made it to ten o’clock before she slipped blissfully into sleep, thinking of her conversation with Emily at the diner.
She slept thinking of the way Emily’s hand had brushed hers when she reached for the check, insisting food was on her. Or the way Emily had listened intently, her focus never for a moment leaving JJ, while JJ talked about how she picked cases for the team. How she asked thoughtful questions about JJ, her life, why she chose the FBI, but didn’t pry. She thought about the way that Emily shared just enough about herself to keep JJ riveted, yet not enough to really let her see who Emily was wholly. It left her desperately yearning for more.
You can’t have more, JJ, she told herself when she got home.
It didn’t stop her from imagining it though. And it was to the thought of Emily lying next to her in bed, brushing a strand of JJ’s hair off her face, staring at her with that same undivided attention she’d had at the diner that lulled JJ to sleep. An actual sleep, not the fitful spirts she’d grown used to, a full REM cycles sleep where she woke up to the chirping of her alarm the next morning.
It was that look she found back in the present, sipping her tea, with Emily turned on the couch of the jet to face her. Emily’s wide, blinking eyes, staring at her with a singleminded focus. She knew she was setting herself up for heartache, but trapped in the circle of Emily’s attention made it feel like they were the only ones there. She shook her head to loosen the thought, adjusting her blanket over her knees and taking another sip of her tea.
“I should get up,” Emily started, balancing her own mug of hot coffee in her hand while she moved to stand up. “I’ll let you get some rest.”
JJ shook her head. Only the tea in her hand stopped her from reaching out and grabbing Emily’s arm to pull her back down.
“No,” she said, the rawness of her throat making her voice crack, causing the word to sound more like a plea than a statement.
JJ shook her head again, trying to compose herself. “I’m mean, it’s okay. You can stay here… it’s nice, uh, to have some company. It was a tough case and I don’t know, this is nice…”
JJ could feel the heat rising to her cheeks, the tips of her ears. She took a sip of her tea to try and distract both herself and Emily from her babbling. She felt embarrassed and even younger than her mid twenties.
But then Emily patted her on the knee and said, “Sure JJ, whatever you want.”
Simple as that. Emily settled herself more comfortably on the other end of the couch and JJ sipped at her tea while Emily told her about the book she was reading. JJ wasn’t sure she caught the plot, but Emily’s voice was soothing and she liked listening to her.
It wasn’t long after that that JJ felt her mug gently removed from her hands and a weight lifting of the other end of the couch. Someone was carefully, gently, adjusting her blanket over her shoulders, then the weight on the other end of the couch returned. A hand rubbed up and down her calf.
Emily.
***
“Pen,” JJ sighed. “It doesn’t mean anything.”
She was slumped in a chair in Penelope’s office, eyes closed against the bright light of the many monitors in front of her while she waited for the computer to spit back the answers she was looking. She was waiting to find out if she was right for before she brought the case to Hotch.
Garcia clicked away at her keyboard entering the last bit of information that the Vermont detective had given them . They were trying to cross reference the MO between neighbouring states, believing the detective’s assertion that his single murder case was not the killers first. Normally, she’d give the case to Hotch first, to see if his hunch matched hers before getting Garcia to dig through records, but he was home with his wife and son and it was three days until Christmas. The rest of the team was home unless they got a case. So, she wanted to be sure.
“Come on Peaches,” Penelope said, swivelling her chair to face JJ, hand reaching out to grab JJ’s and squeeze. “My hunk-o-chocolate love told me that Emily tucked your sleepy little self in on the jet last night, and sat with you while you napped. It’s cute. Romantic.”
“My blanket slipped. It’s not a big deal.”
JJ opened her eyes to look at her friend. She was expecting a teasing smirk, a sparkle of mirth at the gossip she was privy to from Derek. Instead what she found was patient understanding.
“Oh, my little blonde angel,” Penelope said, taking JJ’s other hand to hold both hands in hers.
JJ blinked at her, confusion and a bit of embarrassment evident in her wide-eyed expression.
“You are so beautiful with those giant Disney Princess eyes, and you are so smart,” Penelope continued. “But when it comes to matters of the heart, you my darling are a little clueless.”
“Pen,” JJ said, taking a deep breath and shaking her head. “Is this supposed to be a dumb blonde joke…I’m not that bad.”
“Sweetie, Reid tried to take you out on a date—to a football game, a sport he doesn’t even understand—and you were so oblivious that you invited me to third wheel and still didn’t realize until halfway through when I had to tell you.”
JJ allowed herself to flop forwards, into Garcia, her forehead landing on her friends shoulder as she heaved in a heavy sigh.
“Okay,” she started, pulling away just enough to talk. “But, that at least saved a whole lot more awkwardness than it already was, and my having to come out to Spence. But really, I don’t even think it meant anything anyways…he got over it.”
Penelope snorted and JJ glared at her, as if asking for her to challenge it. It wasn’t that she entirely believed she was right, but she didn’t want to think about Spencer’s crush on her because she didn’t want to deal with it, she didn’t want to have to actually turn him down, or feel like she has to come out when she wasn’t ready to tell the team just to explain herself. Besides she was pretty sure he got the idea when Garcia came along on their date, that she didn’t know was a date.
She just hoped that she could keep her own feelings for Emily well enough hidden so that she wasn’t forced to have the same dilemma. To worry about letting JJ down gently. No, it was much better to ignore her feelings, hide them indefinitely.
“Sweetheart,” she said. “You wouldn’t admit someone liked you if they put it up in sky writing above the capital building. It is just a quark of yours. Though it makes me a little sad, because JJ, truly you’re the most loveable person I know.”
Garcia rubbed her back, gentle circles between her shoulder blades.
“I love your optimism Penny,” JJ said. “But this time I think I’m right. Emily is not interested that way.”
“I think you’re wrong,” Garcia sat back down in her chair, releasing JJ and pulling her keyboard back towards herself. “Look I don’t know Miss tall, dark and beautiful well yet, but as nice as I think she really is, I don’t think she’s the kind of woman who tucks in any random coworker and makes sure they’re cozy or makes sure they’re fed, I’m not forgetting when I called you the other night and you two were out of dinner…or her casually asking me what kinds of foods you like.”
“Pen,” JJ said in a warning tone.
Penelope held her hands up, in truce and then looks back to her screen. “Okay, interested or not, it looks like you get to spend Christmas with your beautiful brown-eyed brunette in small town Vermont.”
“How romantic,” JJ snorted. “Me, Emily, the rest of the team and a serial killer. Merry Christmas.”
***
JJ felt tired, it was late and dark already by the time she reached the airstrip. She’d barely slept since her nap on the jet two days earlier, tossing and turning all night, kept up the stack of cases on her desk, by the guilt laden phone call from her mother about JJ not coming home for the holidays—again—and by the running of her own thoughts, a constant barrage of self criticism. And she felt guilty for having had to call the rest of the team in for a case just days before Christmas.
It sucked.
And unlike the flight home the other day, she didn’t have the luxury of using the comfort she found being in the presence of her team—especially Emily—to help her rest even if only for an hour or two.
They had to debrief, and be ready to hit the ground running as soon as they landed. And she was still trying to organize accommodations, a nearly impossible task from the air. But in the small town, days before Christmas, it was slim pickings and she was only able to find five single rooms for the six of them, which meant a pair of them would have to double up, and really it only made sense for it to be her and Emily.
By seniority alone they’d get the shaft, as Emily was the newest on the team and JJ wasn’t a profiler. But as the only two women on the team, and being smallest it made sense for them to share a bed. Reid and Morgan could bunk up, of course, but then she’d never hear the end of it from either of them. Reid would get whiny, complain that Morgan was being mean or that he touched his things and Morgan would bitch about how Reid tossed and turned in his sleep.
JJ knew she hardly slept anyways. So, sharing a space, dealing with a slightly uncomfortable few nights sleeping next to a coworker, well what difference would it make if she wouldn’t get rest anyways? She just worried it would make Emily uncomfortable. Or she would do something stupid to make her feelings obvious to Emily.
As she walked into the jet, listening to the condescending tone of the Inn manager questioning whether a “sweet sounding young thing” was actually with the FBI, and how she should have anticipated there’d be nowhere to stay this close to Christmas. This after having just spent twenty-minutes arguing with the Sheriffs office about how it’s the holidays and they won’t be able to give much assistance with the case, because you know no one wants to actually work on Christmas, oh and could she not tell the press there was a murder of a young girl until after the holidays, because of course we don’t want to worry anyone.
“Merry Christmas to you too,” she said into the phone’s speaker, waiting for the click that the line had been disconnected. “Asshole.”
“You okay Jayje?” Emily asked, as JJ sunk down into the seat next to her, gently squeezing her elbow.
“I could use a nap, or a drink,” JJ slammed her head back against the head rest and rubbed her temples.
“That good?” Emily quirked up a single brow.
JJ waited a moment for the others to turn towards them before continuing, not wanting to have to repeat her rant.
“The Sheriff wants us to come in and solve their case… but has no interest in offering us any help to do it. He also would like us to keep it quiet that a nineteen year old girl was murdered, and another might be missing, because he doesn’t want to upset the towns folk this close to Christmas,” she took a deep breath to try to steady herself. “Also, there are only five rooms available in town and the last Inn manager was a jackass and I think I used every spare ounce of energy I have not to call him a fucking idiot.”
Emily reached over and ran her hand up and down JJ’s arm in a soothing gesture.
“I don’t think I’ve ever heard you swear,” Emily said.
“While at work, JJ has said fuck four times in the last two years, shit twelve times and has called someone an asshole eight times, but never in front of them,” Reid said, from his seat across from Emily.
JJ could feel the heat in her cheeks, and her chest and neck. Hiding her face in her hands, she mumbled, “Nice to know someone’s being paying attention to how easily I lose my temper.”
Emily and Morgan both laughed, light, friendly.
“If you’ve only dropped five F-bombs in two years blondie, I’d say you’ve got some pretty decent self control,” Morgan said, reaching over and parting her hand from across the aisle.
“Five that Spence’s heard,” she laughed back, shaking her head, peaking out at him from between her fingers.
“JJ,” Emily started, returning to the original concern. “If it helps, we can share a room, right? I don’t mind. One less thing for you to worry about, right?”
“Emily,” JJ said. “Are you sure that’s okay?”
“Unless you really wanted a room to yourself, I’m sure I could convince Morgan to share.”
“No. I just feel bad. I called you all to come in for a case over Christmas and now you can’t even get your own room.”
Emily looked at her, eyes wide, questioning. JJ knew she was trying to read her, to understand her comfort level. Her gaze was warm, inviting, and JJ felt that warmth wrap around her like her favourite blue blanket, the one she kept on the jet. She nodded, answering Emily’s unasked question—whether or not JJ was actually okay with sharing a room with Emily. And Emily smiled in response.
It should have been weird, to have a conversation without words, but it felt natural.
“As long as you don’t snore,” Emily said. “Than I don’t mind at all JJ.”
***
It wasn’t until very late, early into the hours of the next morning that they even arrived at the Inn. They had done all they could at the Sheriffs office, and without any leads, and without the ability to speak with the victim’s family until morning Hotch had sent them all to get some rest and come back refreshed.
JJ distributed the room keys, then nodded to Emily holding the last key in her had, “I guess you’re with me.”
“Lead on, JJ,” Emily said gesturing for JJ to proceed her down the hall.
The room was small. She’d call it cozy, if it weren’t for the cold draft coming in from the old window. It featured a single double bed in the centre of the room, neatly made with a dated, floral comforter. Then, there was a small three drawer dresser with an old CRT TV that was screwed down to its splintering wooden top. There was barely two feet between the bed and the dresser, and JJ was certain that in order to reach the arm chair in the corner, you’d have to climb over the bed.
Cozy.
“Well this looks quaint,” Emily joked.
“At least the bed looks clean.”
Emily nodded, putting her go bag down on it.
They got ready for bed in comfortable quiet. Only sharing necessary words in passing. Under in the dim, dusky yellow light of the bedside lamp they settled onto opposite sides of the bed. JJ felt the coiled springs shift as Emily moved to get comfortable, repositioning the pillow. There was something that felt routine about the whole act. Getting ready for bed with Emily, it felt easy. Perfect.
Stop that JJ, she told herself. Emily is just trying to make you comfortable.
Emily moved again, and JJ realized, belatedly, that Emily had been talking to her. She could only blink in response.
“You okay Jayje?” Emily asked, turning her body to face JJ.
JJ loved when Emily said her name like that, blending the two syllables to one. It slide off her tongue thick and sweet like honey.
“Yeah, I’m good. Just tired,” JJ said, not risking turning to face Emily herself. Afraid of the vulnerability that might show. Afraid Emily would see in her face how much she liked this, being in bed with Emily.
“Get some sleep,” Emily said, softly, before flicking off the bedside lamp, bathing them in a cool darkness.
They were so close, JJ could feel the heat radiating off Emily under the blanket next to her. She could hear Emily’s breathing next to her. She felt herself relax to it, like a lullaby.
JJ barely managed a “Good night Em,” before she settled into her pillow and was asleep.
***
“Jayje,” Penelope said, and JJ could hear the sounds of her shaking her head over the phone. “Who on the team would you let cuddle you so they could fall asleep?”
“You.”
“Okay, that doesn’t count, we’re like soul sisters. Emily likes you, she wouldn’t do any of those things if she didn’t.”
JJ paced up and down the worn carpet of the hallway outside her room. Needing the space to move her body, somewhere to put that nervous energy she had bottled up inside herself.
“I think I’m an idiot,” she said, pivoting on her heel and turning back the other direction.
She remembered the look on Emily’s face when she said that she’d managed to find a sixth room, so they wouldn't’ have to share. It was somewhere close to what she’d describe as disappointed, maybe even hurt. Like she thought JJ was upset by how they’d woken up, bodies pressed together, limbs tangled—as if Emily thought she’d done something wrong.
It had felt so nice. JJ didn’t think she’d slept so deeply, so comfortably, since she was a kid. Before Roz died. She’d felt safe, and protected and relaxed and she was able to focus on the sounds of Emily’s steady breathing next to her, and the feel of her body next to hers. It allowed JJ to let her thoughts float away, like clouds drifting in a gentle summer breeze, slowly floating by, unbothered and unbothering.
She thought she’d feel anxious sleeping next to Emily. Jittery. Nervous that she’d accidentally reach out to touch her in her sleep—which she had. She worried she wouldn’t be able to sleep, like the times in college where she’d shared a bed with her friend Cora, when they were travelling for away games for soccer. When she’d laid awake all night just thinking about whether or not Cora’s hand brushing hers under the blanket meant something, or what she would do if JJ reached out and grabbed that hand and held it.
She knew she wasn’t a kid in college anymore, still trying to figure out her sexuality, but it still surprised her how comfortable she’d felt lying next to Emily. Sharing the same space. It felt like it was were she was meant to be.
Until the morning, when she woke up with her front pressed to Emily’s back, Emily’s hand over hers. And for a moment it felt perfect, until she remembered where she was and who she was with and then she felt mortified. Terrified that she’d ruined everything.
She’d moved away with a mumbled apology and proceeded to pretend nothing had happened. After showering and getting dressed she headed to the front desk to ask that they call her if any other rooms became available.
She’d been surprised when one had, and even more surprised when Emily had seemed hurt by her announcing that she got herself her own room, so Emily wouldn’t have to share her space anymore.
“Oh JJ, my sweet… you’re not an idiot,” Penelope said, and JJ could tell she had taken her off speaker phone, she could hear in the crackle of her hair against the receiver that she was holding the phone close. “You’re my precious little sugarplum who is bad at feelings.”
“I’m trying,” JJ sighed, it was heavy her whole chest expanding with it. “But Emily’s been awkward with me since I told her I managed to ask around and get my own room. She seemed kind of… I don’t know disappointed?”
“Because sweetie, she woke up with you snuggling her and then you basically ran away after and told her you didn’t want to share a room anymore. She probably thinks that you were upset about waking up that way and she is worried she made you uncomfortable.”
JJ spun on her heel again, feeling it catch slightly on the carpet. “Made me feel uncomfortable? I’m the one that clung onto her like a baby koala in my sleep. What the hell was I thinking.”
“You weren’t, your body was just letting you know that it feels comfortable around Emily. You relax around her. Which is nice, Jay because honestly you’re wound up so tight—“
“Okay I get it,” JJ said, not needing the reminder from her best friend that she had been a little high strung and stressed out recently. “But what do I do about it now?”
There was moment of pause, and if JJ hadn’t heard the clicking of computer keys, she would have thought the line had dropped.
“What do you want to do?” Penelope asked, finally.
“I want to kiss her,” JJ said, the words blurting out of her, spouting up like a geyser before she could stop them.
She imagined briefly trying to pull the words back through space, back through the phone before they reached Garcia’s ears. But knowing that was impossible. She said what she meant and she’d have to live with Garcia knowing.
“Holy shit,” came the answer, louder, more full of shock that she anticipated.
“Really? After all the ‘I know you like her comments’ you’re honestly surprised by that?”
“Oh not at all honey. I’m just surprised you said it. Like out loud actually with words admitted what you want.”
“Yeah…shit.”
Penelope laughed, a rumble that vibrated through the tiny phone speaker against JJ’s ear. “Well, why don’t you go do it.”
***
JJ’s hand was shaking as she knocked on the door of Emily’s room. The number 301 blurring in her vision as she stared at it, her legs shaking with nervous energy.
What the hell was she doing?
I’m not actually going to just kiss her am I? She asked herself.
What if she was wrong? She’d spent the last few months determinedly pushing down her feelings for Emily, convincing herself that nothing was reciprocated. Emily seemed the type to go for what she wanted. She was the woman who had hung around and come back to Hotch’s office after he’d rejected her placement with the team to plead her case. Had convinced their stoic boss to give her a chance. JJ could tell she was the kind of woman to reach her goals, and go for what she wanted. So, if she wanted JJ why wouldn’t she have just asked her out?
Was it because they were coworkers? Did Emily think JJ was too young for her? Or was JJ completely off base in thinking that Emily’s reaction—that look of dejection that she’d quickly tried to hide—meant that she returned JJ’s feelings.
But then she thought of all the little ways Emily had reached out to her in the past few months. The coffee in the morning, tea on sleepy flights home, making sure JJ had eaten, offering words of encouragement everyone else seemed to not realize she needed sometimes.
JJ took in a deep breath, inflating her chest with a confidence she wasn’t quite sure she felt, but mustered up from somewhere deep inside her. It felt a little like her teenage years, getting ready for a big game, knowing scouts would be there, watching her, waiting to see if she was good enough, gambling her future on one performance.
Before she could second guess herself, the door swung open and Emily was standing there, surprised etched along the angles of her face.
“JJ?”
“I’m an idiot,” was all JJ could manage to blurt, staring at Emily, who was standing so she was half blocked by the door.
“Did you forget something when you packed your stuff? I didn’t see anything of yours.”
JJ shook her head and Emily watched her, cautiously, pulling the door open all the way, maybe to get a better view herself of JJ so that she could read her, watch her body language. She looked at her as if JJ’s face, her, body could give her the answer to her question, Why are you here?
“I…I just…Emily,” JJ stopped and started, her words stumbling over each other as they came tripping over her tongue. She didn’t know what she wanted to say, or how to say it.
Then she thought of Garcia’s question, What do you want to do? And her answer, I want to kiss her.
So she did. She took a step closer to Emily and when Emily didn’t step back, she took another, until they were so close that JJ swore she could feel Emily’s heart beat in her own chest as it picked up in anticipation.
Then she leaned forward, a light press of her lips against Emily’s, she felt the softness of them underneath her own. It was a moment before Emily reacted, probably only a heartbeat, but it felt like forever, and JJ almost pulled away, an apology on the tip of her tongue. But then Emily’s hand was on the back of her neck, fingers tangling in her hair, pulling her closer, pressing their lips together more firmly.
JJ returned the kiss, tilting her head slightly to give Emily better access. Her hands lifted as if working on their own— her mind completely somewhere else, consumed by the fire that was kissing Emily—to wrap under Emily’s arms and around her back pressing between her shoulder blades, trying to pull her in closer. JJ was only vaguely aware of her feet moving, walking Emily backwards into the room, one foot lifting off the floor to kick the door shut behind her, all without leaving the kiss.
When they finally pulled away, both breathless and a little red faced, JJ looked at Emily, still wide-eyed and a little surprised, but smiling. It filled JJ with a giddiness she didn’t know if she’d ever experienced before, and the feeling burst out of her on a breathless laugh.
She let her forehead drop to rest against Emily’s and managed to say, “Merry Christmas Eve, Em.”