Chapter Text
Dear Angel,
I heard about Heaven. It seems you’re doing wonders! Well, I never doubt that. Not even for a second. They’re lucky to have you. Anyone would be. I’m more than happy to hear how well things are going, I really am! They’d be lost without you.
I’m sorry for only contacting you now and I promise to never contact you again, but I thought you should know. I want you to follow your lucky star, Angel, and it’s a shame I can’t see them for you. I was never able to, I don’t think I was able even back at the Heaven, certainly not after I saw you. Somehow you were bigger and brighter and more beautiful than anything I could have ever imagined, anything I could have ever created. And since I can’t see the sky, I followed you as my guiding star. And that wasn’t fair to you, no, it certainly wasn’t. I can see that now and you must forgive me for taking so long to realise. I’ve always been blindsided to the most obvious things.
I’ve had some holy water left. I stared at the bottle for what seemed like hours if not days. Weeks, perhaps. Time got a little blurry after you left. I stared at it and it seemed like it wanted to tell me something that I just… couldn’t understand. In a language I wasn’t fluent in. So I tried to look at it the way you would. And I see it now, it’s funny. Holy water, it’s… it’s a sign of life, of new beginnings, of all things sacred! Something that was home for me long time ago. And I know you want me to be that Angel again, but… I couldn’t be. I can still remember screaming as I fell, the pain of my wings burning as I plummeted through the skies. Funny thing, it was the last time I remember seeing stars in the sky. Even then they couldn’t compare to you. Nothing ever could.
Isn’t it funny, though? I fell and as I was burning and screaming in agony I was… I was still thinking of you. And I knew, then, I really did. Part of me wanted to never tell you, so you could only see your guiding star and reach for heavens where you belong. Part of me wanted to leave you blind and deaf, leave you thinking I never loved you, so you would never be distracted, never be tempted. Because I know, I’m a demon. There could’ve never been us. But that didn’t stop my dark demon heart from hoping. I never needed heaven because the hope you gave me was bigger than anything god could ever promise. I found home within you, I found peace. And I held onto it, perhaps for too long. And that wasn’t fair to me, no it wasn’t.
So I decided to give myself a new beginning. A clean slate. I hid the memories of past 6000 years somewhere safe, far away. Perhaps I’ll go to Paris, haven’t been there ever since Van Gogh. I’m not sure yet. Next time you’ll see me I won’t remember you, I won’t recall your name. And I am sorry about it, but I think it’s the only way.
Although I’m afraid love like this cannot be forgotten; I’m afraid my atoms will recognise yours. Such disgusting, rotten love, like falling canines, something out of control, something that exists outside space and time. I’m afraid I’ll be pulled towards you, because against all odds some unstoppable force keeps bringing me back to you. I’m afraid one look at you and I’ll be back, falling through the skies again.
If that happens… don’t tell me. Rather leave me blind. I don’t think I could handle losing us one more time. I know you won’t look for me anyways and that’s okay, I want you to follow your guiding star. I’m just sorry I couldn’t be one.
Thank you for forgiving me.
For the last time,
Yours,
Crowley