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At Teyvat Academy, things are a bit different. Those who choose to enroll experience an immersive world and a unique schedule of random yet surprisingly useful classes they all needed. Nobody gets teased there, because being a nerd isn’t bad anymore. Yay!
The school has high-end math, science, and history classes thanks to their teachers with incredible skill in their teachings. Zhongli, a previous student, knew so much about history already that the school was forced to add a whole other class in the history branch of courses.
Things like this happened rather often, so many strange courses popped up over the years, such as AP Pop Star Vocal Training and Close-Combat Bow Instruction: Pathway Two, Extended Learning. Don’t ask; blame Childe (That’s become my motto these days).
This, of course, was appetizing for many students and parents looking for a future without having to pay the ridiculously high price for a private school. Sometimes the students themselves forgot this was just another public school because of how everything was organized and taught to perfection.
And this is where we start our story: in this unique, strange, immersive public school.
Childe was READY. His team was out again on the rink, hockey-gear adorning them, pucks flying across the floor. After a week of being unable to play and stuck on the bench due to the inevitable injury that is hockey, he was prepared to commit mass hockey murder. His team was out there while he sat on the bench, but he knew he’d be out soon. He told the coach he was ready to prove himself once again.
“Tart, you’re up,” the coach called as Yelan skated to the sideline, blood dripping from her nose.
Without a second thought Tartaglia skirted on top of the ice. Fast as lightning, he snatched the puck from the current play (I don’t play hockey idk how this works heh) and lead it along toward the goal.
“RUSSIAN’S ON THE FIELD!” One of the enemy team members warned their comrades.
Smirking at his nickname, Childe skated faster and faster until he reached the opposing team’s goal. The guard for the Cryo team, Eula, was fierce, and Childe knew well. Cryo came close to beating Hydro often, but with Tartaglia on their team, Hydro hadn’t lost once in two years, not even to other schools.
Scoring the goal easily with his high saucer pass/shot, Tartaglia skated in a victory circle, surrounded quickly by his comrades who cheered him on, patting him on the back and congratulating him for being ‘back on the rink’.
Childe smiled, knowing his team was invincible and their win was inevitable would always bring a smile to his face. Looking at all the friends he’d made, he couldn’t help but feel happy.
—
After another win two weeks ago, practice had been light and rather easy. Childe didn’t push them hard, and the coach was out on vacation. Their next match, tomorrow, was against Anemo. The team was rather small and tended to be skinny and weak (I mean, they were all poets, so duh) so it wasn’t an issue at all.
Mona was a rather studious person as well, but she had trained with the hockey team for a very long time, and even she wasn’t worried about Anemo. It was a big mistake. Jk. Or am I?
Mona was walking toward the girl’s changing rooms for today’s hockey pratice when she overheard some gossip. Immediately intrigued, she peered around the corner to catch her friend, Fischl (a well-known theater kid) and Eula (Ew, enemy team!) talking rather loudly about Mona’s team’s next battle.
“Anemo team’s got a chance, now,” Eula contemplated. “Good. I shall have vengance! Even if second-hand and through another team!”
“Precicely! For opportunity appears before thee, Eula, Cryo hockey captain! Years pass of indispensable hatred and vengance-seeking, alas, hopes prevail; rejoice, my good companion, for thy enemy’s enemy is ineluctably an ally. Condemnsion of Hydro shalt be realized!” Fischl dramatically performed her paragraph I used the thesaurus to write.
The two girls then left. Mona, being able to somehow follow Fischl’s words, was getting a bit nervous. Condemsion of Hydro? Opportunity? Vengance-seeking? Anemo’s team has a chance?! What is this blasphemy?!
Before she left for practice, she peeked out one of the hall’s windows at the night sky (because it’s winter and it gets pitch-black at like 5 PM at the academy). She studied the stars for a second, analyzing the ways they curved together as they always did.
Finally, she found a sign. Something in the stars telling her a message… She deciphered blood, the color red, ice… but before she could fully interpret the message, she heard Eula coming back down the hallway. Not wanting to be caught by the clearly Hydro-hating Cryo captain, Mona retreated.
Rushing to practice faster than ever, Mona skirted into the changing rooms only to freeze in sight of Nilou’s nearly naked form.
“Sorry!” Mona blushed, rushing to her locker.
“Mona, we’ve discussed, we’re in a locker room. We see each other naked. That’s not something to be embarrassed about!” Nilou reassured.
“I know,” Mona sighed, taking off her over clothes to reveal her own under layers, then slipping on the newer hockey uniform the team was forced to wear everywhere to get used to.
Nilou only chuckled.
“Great job last practice, by the way. Me being new, you’ve really been a role-model,” Nilou smiled.
Nilou joined the hockey team last year after she was realized for her figure skating. She was reluctant at first to join the bloodbath that is hockey, but sports were good on her report card, and it fit her debate team’s schedule (which she ran for Nilou story quest reasons).
She was a well-known dancer who spent a lot of time around Yun Jin and some other theater kids, but when Childe learned she figure skated like a boss, he got her to join the team. It was a very beneficial success as matches now ended twenty minutes earlier due to her speed and grace!
Just to be clear, hockey games are less so about getting goals these days, they’re more so about knocking out the other team until one stands alone. Goals are still legally valuable though, according to the local sport referee, Yanfei.
“Thanks,” Mona smiled.
The two walked out on the rink together, soon greeted by the hockey cheerleading team, led by Kaeya.
“Hey team Hydro!” He winked at the girls.
“Hey team pom-pom-sparkles-definitely-a-pervert!” Childe retorted.
“Ouch,” Kaeya joked.
“Why are you here, anyway? Our team was arranged to practice today, your so-called sport was supposed to be outside,” Childe asked, polishing his ice-skates.
“It’s raining,” Kaeya shrugged.
“Whatever,” Tartaglia rolled his eyes, focusing back on his actual team. “Alright, comrades. Today’s practice will be harder than normal due to tomorrow’s game against Anemo. Don’t worry, though. They’ve no chance.”
“Actually…” Mona started.
“No time!” Childe interrupted. “Fifteen laps! All of you! Including me!”
And so Hydro all practiced: Mona, Nilou, Childe, Yelan, anonymous soon-to-be-released Hydro characters, probably an unimaginative OC somewhere in there, Candace, and Kokomi (she’s always on the bench, healing wounds) all skirting around a rink, being cheered on by draft cheer routines for the school’s official hockey team.
—
The stadium was full. Another chance to see Hydro people skirt around on ice knocking people out and bathing the stands with blood? Fun date night, if you ask me!
“Scaramouche pleaseeee,” Childe begged, twenty minutes before the match started.
“Look how busy it already is out there, I’m not going!” Scaramouche hissed, turning to walk down the school hall.
Childe, looking rediculous and unrecognizable in full hockey gear, pouted.
“For your cousin, please! And you love a good murder! All the others wouldn’t come, they don’t support me anymore, I just want one relative there,” Childe argued.
“Guess it sucks our cousins are cold,” Scaramouche shrugged.
“Pleaaaaaseee! It means you’re better than Pierro. He’s always saying he’s best because he’s closest related to Tsaritsa, but I know you’re the best cousin. And this’ll prove it, because you’ll show how nice you are and earn points!” Tartaglia reasoned.
“Uggggggghhhhhhhhh fine,” Scaramouche gave in. “When did you become so whiny?”
“Just for you,” Childe winked, immediately dropping the begging act. “Now get your ass in those bleachers and watch me stab weak anemo children with a blunt weapon!”
“...that does sound amusing,” Scaramouche admitted.
Soon after, the match started.
Kokomi, the only playable Inazuman on the Hydro team, was a bit nervous. She wouldn’t admit why to her fellow players, but she was definitely hiding something. Mona’s horoscopes didn’t help, Childe’s bickering and demanding didn’t get anything out of her, and even Nilou’s hot dancing didn’t persuade.
But Mona had a clue. After that Eula-Fischl conversation she overheard, she knew something was up with the Anemo team. If only Kokomi was nervous, she suspected it was an Anemo Inazuman… But Heizou and Scaramouche both weren’t interested in hockey. That leaves just one option.
“KAZUHA!” Mona gasped suddenly, surprising herself with her good deduction skills.
“Who?” Candace asked.
“That one quiet mysterious kid who’s been around the world and was basically adopted by Ningguang and Beidou! He must be joining the Anemo hockey team, it makes sense, through the process of elimination,” Mona explained.
“Well it can’t be that bad,” Childe shrugged. “We’re undefeated! Especially since Yelan busted out that super fast skating technique she has. We’re fast, battle-ready, well-trained, invincible, and have a great healer! We’re a perfect team comp.”
“I guess,” Mona shrugged.
Reassured and ready, the Hydro team depart from the dock of safety, skating onto the rink they can already picture coated in blood.
Opposite them, a team dressed in a light green-blue mixture (nobody knows if it’s green or blue, but they don’t care anyway, because Anemo always looses) skate out. Because of hockey uniforms, it is very hard to see the faces of people, thus the numbers on their backs. A new number, 2, skates out smoothly onto the rink, with an air of professionalism.
“I knew it. A new member,” Nilou muttered.
“They look graceful,” Mona commented.
“Nobody is as graceful as Nilou, though,” Childe reassured.
On the side, Kaeya, Barbara, Noelle, Itto, and various other cheerleaders shook their pom poms in joy.
“Make that clean ice turn to red! Coat the rink with them instead! Organs flying, oh so gruesome! Don’t worry, you win and never lose some! Gooooooooooo HYDRO!” Kaeya chanted whilst doing the splits and flying through the air as a cheerleader does.
“Go go Anemo, you got this! Wreck those losers, make them regret this! Too bad your budget’s low, so your rhymes are crap, and this chant is over! Let’s go!” The cheer team then followed up, bc they cheer for everyone as the school’s official cheer team (there isn’t a team for individual elemental houses).
And thus the game started. Unfortunately, the thickness of hockey padding keeps blood inside and it prevents spilling, but you can imagine the gore.
Xiao, the brutal captain of the Anemo hockey team, is cheered on ruthlessly by his boyfriend, Venti, a well-known theater and orchestra kid screeching from the stands. He was supposed to be the only talented Anemo kid… but this number 2 guy, hooooly shiiitt.
Within the first run, Mona and Nilou were both outwitted and knocked to the floor by the same guy. He seemed to be going on defense with graceful attacks and carefully crafted protection techniques for Xiao, the one with the puck. But when #2 got the puck… ermahgerd, guys, he’s two times faster than Keqing when she runs on the track team.
So incredibly fast and ruthless, this person literally breaks shins this fine day. He scored twelve out of thirteen of his team’s goals, only within the first ten minutes! By the time the game is done Childe and everyone else on his poor team has sprained at least one joint and broken at least one hockey stick in half.
The score was a clear Anemo win, 103-16. Xiao, the Anemo captain, was so in shock he forgot to play for half the time. Most people on the Anemo team did, for they had no idea #2 was this talented. Once it was over, the stands were chanting avidly for #2, who had taken his protective gear off because he wasn’t being hit anyway and it made for more maneuverability. This circumstance revealed that he was indeed Kaedehara Kazuha.
In the end it was one man standing. Kazuha skated in a victory circle in the center of the rink, cheering with his hockey stick being pumped in the air with joy. Childe skated up to him, clutching an arm that was hanging loosely at his side.
“How?” He asked.
Kazuha smiled a shy, light smile that reflected his stereotypicalized personality, but contrasted how he played on the field.
“I have Canadian blood,” Kazuha shrugged nonchalantly.
Of course. Russian v Canadian. That’s why it had been so aggressive and amazingly murderous. Childe face palmed, disappointed his blood didn’t beat that of a naive, nice, sweet, introverted, weak Canadian’s. Of course, that stereotype was proved false that day.
Kazuha was then directed to leave the rink for a victory feast, but the fans didn’t leave. They cheered louder. In one last uncharacteristic show of his clear superiority, Kazuha glided over to the side and winked PLUS blew a kiss at Scaramouche.
Scaramouche was aghast as Kazuha then skated away and got a high-five from a fellow hockey player.
“I knew you dug the violent introverted type,” Childe smirked at a blushing Scara.
“SHUT. UP,” Scaramouche then left the stands, trying to appear mad through his flusteredness.
“Haha,” Childe laughed to himself, then winced in pain and murmured: “Freaking Canadians.”
Later, Kazuha invited the Hydro team over to the Anemo dorms for a celebration party. He wanted to be welcoming to the losers and also celebrate their own win. Unfortunately, none of the Hydro team were able to make it because they were all in the hospital.
Over half of Kazuha’s team was also severely injured because Childe still is quite ruthless: just not at Kazuha’s level. The bloodbath was extreme that day, and the Anemo team sure was partying! The survivors were ceveral randos, Xiao, Kazuha (without a drop of blood spilled), Aether, and that one four star Anemo bow character who I forgot the name of that’s coming out with Scaramouche who I’m totally PULLING FOR! HECK YEAH! Cough, anyway-
Venti was basically part of the team as emotional support and the comedic relief even though he was a soccer player. He was always there for Xiao.
With spiked punch, crappy cake, and nasty teenage dorm rooms in full swing, the party was great. Yay! Murder!
But then the whole Scaramouche thing came up.
“So you winked at him?” Aether asked, tipsy already because lol lightweight. Don’t get drunk before your country’s legal age, kids.
“And blew a kiss,” Venti chuckled, chugging vodka.
“Gae,” a random NPC contributed.
“Like us!” Venti hugged Xiao affectionately.
“Get off me you big dirty green pig,” Xiao shoved his boyfriend away. “But yeah, facts.”
“Soooo we have a new ship?” Aether asked, swaying a bit.
Kazuha meanwhile was blushing because he completely forgot he did that. It was one of those spur-of-the-moment quick flirt with your childhood friend/enemy/crush. “Relatable” says Beidou to that comment.
“Kazuscara, the mean Inazuman who’s related to the enemy team’s captain x the shy bean who apparently is a genocide-commiter. I love it! I’ll commision Xingqiu for a oneshot,” Venti giggled. “Oh! Forbidden love story! Scara is related to Childe and isn’t allowed to date anyone from the enemy team as a family rule that Childe set in place like the dictator he is; but then he falls for the enemy’s top player. It’s like Romeo and Juliet!”
“Ooo, make it smut,” Aether nodded in agreement, invested in a drunk way.
“Ew wtf, don’t read smut,” Xiao protested when Venti nodded his head in agreement without hesitation.
“Aw, you wont let me read smut, so cuuuuute jealous Xiaooo!” Venti teased, a bit drunk too, now. Maybe from the vodka.
Before Xiao could retort (even though it was the truth ehe), Venti texted everything he just said to Xingqiu. The text received within half a second was that the Hydro boy was totally down for it. He knew Childe due to being in the same dorm, so he said he could use some of the blackmail he’d gained to craft a beautiful creation.
“So he’s asking how much story line to smut ratio,” Venti read to the group, actually speaking coherent words.
“Smut’s gross anyway, keep it minimal,” Xiao at least tried to reason for less nasty, knowing he couldn’t eliminate it all.
“Agreed, honestly,” Aether shrugged. Xiao stopped him from drinking any more punch because at this point the emo man realized it was spiked. “Just a nice twist of it.”
“I was going to say 100% smut but okay-”
“Guys, I’m very uncomfortable,” Kazuha finally spoke, clearly uncomfortable.
“What were we even talking about again?” an anonymous team member questioned sanity itself.
“Kazuscara,” Venti smirked at Kazuha’s uncomfortable face.
“Seriously it was a spur of the moment thing,” Kazuha mumbled whilst the whole dorm erupted into chaos.
It was like debate team but everyone fighting over if smut’s good or not, and drowning out Kazuha’s complaints. Also, wasn’t this chapter supposed to be about hockey?
Heizou, a roommate who was a rugby player, sat in the middle of the chaos, forgotten about, contemplating existence. He had had an amazing day of chillness until he learned his annoying roommate, Kazuha, was apparently being covered in cheer and goodwill wishes from a mass amount of fans. Now he’s mad. But that’s off topic.
Chaos, chaos, chaos. Kazuha decided to take a well-earned nap after a quick binge of cat videos and DIY tutorials on his FYP. Closing his eyes, Kazuha reflected on the day’s eventful events. He hadn’t felt the ruch of adrenaline like he did during hockey in a long while, and it was quite the experience he missed.
He couldn’t wait for yet another game!
—
The next day, Kazuha readied himself for another hockey match. The Hydro team had been scheduled for two games in a row because everyone knew they were unbeatable. They were the school’s official team, so they fought against other schools as well. In those interschool battles, they typically had the best players from a few other teams play as well. That’s also when the cheerleaders came in.
Because Hydro made up basically all of the school’s team, they were all ready for a school vs school match after the Anemo one… what they hadn’t expected was complete and utter destruction on their part. This leaves Anemo and a few other element team members to make up the main one for the inevitable battle against Khaenri'ah Academy.
Khaenri'ah was a small atheist school. Unlike those religious schools that strictly taught Christianity or Hinduism or whatever blah blah, this school focuses on nothing religious, but is as small and tight-knit as a religious school. Comprendo? Si? Good.
Kaeya used to go there so he was helping the randomly assembled team of Teyvatish people get organized and informed. Teyvatish? Teyvatian? Teyvatch? Idek anymore.
When the match finally started, Kazuha, his Anemo team, random other elemental members of the official hockey team, and the cheerleaders gaped at their skill. They were all just bellow Childe-level, meaning they were fast, whip-smart, but a bit less brutish. And all of them were. There wasn’t a single weakling.
But they didn’t have Kazuha.
The Inazuman-Canadian rushed out onto the rink so fast he cracked the ice. The other team wasn’t even afraid, though. They held their line without fright evident.
The goalie was backed up by three other players on the Khaenri'ahn team’s part, so when Kazuha made a shot for the goal, it was blocked. He decided he’d have to shoot over the players’ shoulders to actually make it into the net.
Xiao, Chongyun and Thoma backed Kazuha up as he made a charge for the net, puck at his command. The reckless cheers from the stands were irrelevant to his battle-ready brain. He smelled the blood on his enemies already.
Thoma diverted away from their group to block at enemy so hard in the head he passed out, gaining a cheer from his boyfriend, Ayato. Thoma blew a kiss at Ayato but got murdered in the process.
Venti had been unhelpfully trying to distract Xiao because he thought it was funny, but none of his sentences got the emo boy. Until now.
“KAZUSCARA SMUT WAS GOOD! BETTER THAN YOOUUU!” Venti screeched with a giggle.
Xiao was blind in a moment of jealous rage and was slammed to the ground, knocked out cold.
Chongyun was so high on yang energy the enemy was fleeing from his aura, so he was a great companion for Kazuha as they neared the goal.
With an anime-level yeet, Kazuha thrust the puck into the net. Kaeya’s lost twin, Caeya, almost blocked it, but it somehow just grazed his shoulder. Kaeya’s other lost Khaenri'ah twin, Jaeya, was so close to the puck his ear started to bleed.
Jaeya, Kaeya, and Caeya’s other OTHER lost twin, Haeya, dived for the puck last minute and ended up crashing into the wall.
And thus the Khaenri'ahn team (made up of Kaeya’s relatives he lost at the super market because nobody else lives in Khaenri'ah) lost a goal.
Two hours later, the match ended. Both teams were knocked out cold. The only people standing were Kazuha (bathing in glory and adrenaline) and Sucrose (she was too scared to play so kind of just… blended into the background).
Cheers erupted when Kazuha raised his stick into the air, pumping it with victory. Roses fell from the crowd and random gifts came along with them, bathing Kazuha as if he were a matador. Which he was. But with humans.
Suddenly, a chant started.
“SPEECH SPEECH SPEECH!” Venti screeched louder than a pterodactyl.
Kazuha was given a microphone.
“So, hey,” Kazuha started, quieting the crowd and being socially awkward. “I guess I’m speeching now.”
The lights were on him, blinding him from all sides.
“Basically I’m Canadian so that’s why I recked everyone,” Kazuha explained. “Also uh Scaramouche is hot.”
The after party was great. Picture that one after party Gryffindor had after their quidditch win with Ron and Lav Lav. People didn’t spike the punch that time, so it was less fun, but safer, so that’s good ig.
Khaenri'ah and Hydro were two surprisingly defeated teams that day. Kazuha would go on to represent the whole country of Teyvat, not just the school. After, he joined the InterFandom hockey tournament, where people of all fandoms competed.
He won, of course. Beating Elsa, Bosphoramus(?) Hyrule, Gandalf, Bucky Barnes, Hermione, Vecna, Deadpool, Harley Quinn, Moana, Stitch, Hinata, the Ghost Busters, Smaug, Tigerclaw, Winter the Icewing, Bill the Dorito of Doom, Luffy, Irene Adler, the green Ninjago ninja, Asuna, the Rose Apothecary crew, Nekomi, and EVEN Matthieu Williams!
Because he won that, he joined the InterFandom hockey team, composed of every single best hockey player across everything ever.
He never forgot about his friends along the way. Venti, a recently recovered Xiao, Aether, and Heizou came along with him till the very top. Even though Heizou didn’t like him. Eventually, Kazuha was teased enough that he confessed to Scaramouche, who rejected him flat out and left fuming.
Then he came back a week later and incredibly awkwardly appologize in a almost-scripted way. Then he said it was a spur of the moment thing to reject and he actually liked Kazuha.
So yeah happy endings yayyyy.
Also Childe lives still. He pranked Zhongli into thinking he died and got all the way to the funeral when Zhongli broke down to reveal he was alive. Zhongli whacked him to Natlan (spiritually) that day.
And thus, the story concludes. I appologize (not) to the hockey kids out there who hated this inaccurate bloodbath from hell but hey, admit it; it was fun to read. Don’t forget to stay for the sequel I’ll probably never write; Albedo Gets Rect at Skiing, Featuring Kaedehara Kazuha.