Chapter Text
Everyone likes to joke around that Buck is a golden retriever - all energy and loyalty and boundless excitability. And he’s not necessarily saying they’re wrong - he will admit, they have some good points - but he’s really starting to think that either he’s like a cat and has nine lives, or he’s secretly immortal. Because, seriously. He has come so close to dying so many times. Does Hades have something against him? Doesn’t want him in the underworld? Is that possible?
When he voices these theories at the station, predictably, he's met with eyerolls and shaking of heads.
“Are you really complaining about not having died?” Hen asks, an eyebrow arched as she refills her mug from the coffee pot.
Buck scoffs. “No. I’m just saying! Two times is a coincidence, but three? Three is a pattern! Maybe I did something that pissed the god of the underworld off.” He thinks he hears Chim mutter something under his breath like ‘wouldn’t be surprised’, and so he sticks his tongue out at him.
“Love that you jumped straight into Greek mythology for this.” Eddie walks past Buck, an amused smile on his face as he takes the coffee pot from Hen for himself.
“Maybe he’s just pissed off at his brother so he wouldn’t let him kill me with his lightning bolts.” Buck hums, eyes squinting as he thinks. He was mostly kidding around, just trying to get a rise out of everyone, but there was a layer of real frustration underneath his crazy theories.
Maddie, who had joined the station for breakfast that morning, tilts her head in mock consideration. “You know, you might actually be right about that one. Younger siblings do tend to do petty things like that.”
“Ha, ha,” Buck deadpans, “I’ll have you know that depending on the source of the myth, it’s iffy on who’s older…Except for Poseidon, he’s always the second oldest brother.”
“Alright, Percy Jackson, thank you for the Greek mythology lesson.” Bobby claps Buck on the shoulder with an unimpressed look. “Now finish your breakfast before we get a call.”
Buck cocks his head. “Who’s Percy Jackson?”
The room fills with groans. Hen takes a dry-erase marker and adds a tally to the board stuck to the fridge that reads, ‘pop culture references vs. Buck’. Pathetically enough, the pop culture column on the board has fourteen tally marks. Buck’s has three.
“How do I know you’re not just making this stuff up! It's not like I would know the difference.” Buck argues, throwing his hands up in the air. The dry-erase board had come with a challenge after Buck had drunkenly stated that he wasn’t that bad with pop culture references: if his side got to twenty tally marks first, his chores would be covered for a month. If the other side won…Buck shudders at the thought of the combined load of Hen’s and Chimney’s chores he would have to do.
Eddie snorts. “Look it up. But I don’t think we need to make up anything to trick you. You’re doing just fine losing this bet all by yourself.” Buck rolls his eyes while the others laugh.
The alarm rings out loudly, making Buck wince. He hadn’t gotten great sleep last night- the nightmares that he definitely doesn’t still have may or may not have been keeping him awake. Maddie presses a kiss to Chimney’s cheek and then one to Buck’s forehead, and he preens at the attention. Once everyone is geared up and the truck is loaded, they set off to the call and Buck’s dilemma has been long forgotten.
By everyone except for Buck, of course.
He can’t help but be distracted on the ride there, during the rescue itself, and on the way back to the station. He tries to ignore it, tries to not let it intervene with his work, but it’s slowly driving him crazy. Being crushed by the firetruck, the tsunami, getting struck by lightning…he can’t tell if he’s extremely lucky or insanely cursed. And he doesn’t want to bring it back up to the others, because he’s done more than enough talking about himself. There’s also the fact that he couldn’t help but downplay his experiences whenever he talked about them, and he knew that got on Eddie’s nerves. So Buck’s solution was to just not say anything at all. A win for all parties involved.
“So,” Bobby starts when they get back to the station and their exhaustion has worn off just a bit, “I know tomorrow is one of the rare days that we all have off together. I was thinking maybe a barbecue at my place?” When their group, their little family, had time off together, they always jumped at the chance to spend it unwinding with one another. Buck loved it.
“Hell yeah, Cap!” He exclaims, practically bouncing up and down with his giddiness. “I can make that mac and cheese again that I brought last time!”
If Buck didn’t know any better, he would say that everyone’s smiles get a little bit softer at his enthusiasm. But he does know better, so he ignores it.
“Sounds great. What about everyone else?”
Agreements ring out, and then there’s some chaos as everyone talks about what they’re going to bring. Buck’s chest fills with warmth as he takes in the scene. It was moments like this one where he forgot all about his near-death experiences and everything like that, and he could just be present with his family.
Once the excitement wears off, everyone disperses, most of them heading to the bunks to get some sleep in before the inevitable next call. Buck lingers by the firetruck just a little bit longer. He’s got too much anxiety underneath his skin to rest, but he’s also pretty tired from their last call. He goes through this type of predicament a lot, so he just does what he normally would do, which is to grab a seat on the couch and start scrolling mindlessly on his phone. Not the healthiest choice, but it beats having a panic attack in the middle of the station because he doesn’t have anything to keep him busy.
A moment later, the couch dips beside him, and he looks up from his phone to see Eddie. The sight of his best friend simultaneously increases his nerves and helps him relax. He would never know how Eddie did it, the bastard.
“Chris can’t wait for movie night this Friday.” Eddie admits, a gentle smile tugging at his lips. “He wants to make it the best one yet, since he won’t be able to see you for a whole two weeks after that.”
Buck feels a pang in his chest. He had forgotten about that, that Chris was leaving for camp that Saturday. He fights with himself over the pride he has in the kid for taking on the new experience, and the sort of loneliness that comes with knowing he was growing up. He knows that Eddie felt it ten times worse than him, too.
“What am I going to do without my favorite Diaz for two weeks?” Buck teases.
“I am literally your best friend. Christopher is eleven.”
“You’re adequate,” Buck shrugs, “I suppose you’ll do until Chris comes back.”
Eddie shoves him playfully, and Buck just laughs, loud and carefree. He was in love with Eddie, he had come to terms with that. He also had come to terms with the fact that the feeling would never be reciprocated. But as long as he had this, as long as he had Eddie laughing by his side and the promise of hanging out with Christopher soon, he would be okay. He could settle for the platonic love between him and Eddie. He would take as much as his best friend gave him, and no more. Buck was done being selfish. It was time for him to start thinking about others.
Eddie kicks his feet up and wraps his arms around the back of the couch. If Buck closes his eyes, he can almost pretend that Eddie’s arm is around his shoulders instead of limply resting on the furniture above.
“Pick you up for the barbecue tomorrow?”
Buck looks at Eddie, confused. “What? I mean, I’m not saying no, but- why?”
“One, to make sure you get there on time.” Eddie states, ignoring the offended noise Buck lets out at that, “And two, I don’t trust that hunk of metal that you call a car.”
Buck pouts. “My car works perfectly fine, thank you!”
Eddie grins. That stupid fucking grin that Buck hates, because it’s sly and teasing, and it shows off Eddie’s dimples and makes his eyes crinkle. He hates it. And if it also makes him want to keep messing around and over-exaggerating to keep Eddie grinning, well, that’s his own business.
Eddie shakes his head in amusement, and turns his attention to the TV so that he can flip through the channels. Buck swallows hard, going back to pretending to read something on his phone. Talking and joking around with Eddie always makes him forget all his worries, but as soon as it’s over, and it’s just him and his own thoughts, that’s when things get bad again. That’s when the anxiety washes over him like the tide, trying to pull him under. And Buck could kick and fight all he wanted, but there was somewhere in the back of his head where he knew. He knew that the collapse was coming. He could only push the trauma away for so long. Cracks were forming in his facade and he knew he didn’t have much time until the right insecurity bared its teeth and everything came crashing down.
True to his word, Eddie and Christopher show up to Buck’s loft the next day to pick him up for the get-together. Chris’s little shout of joy at seeing him eases the coiling dread in Buck’s gut enough for him to relax a bit. The ride to the Nash-Grant household consists of a game of I-Spy, and Buck secretly sneaking glances at the incredibly flattering top his friend was wearing. His muscles seem to be practically straining under the fabric. Buck can’t decide if he wants to pull Eddie closer or run far, far away.
Eddie barely has the car in park when both Buck and Christopher are unbuckling and bounding out of the vehicle. Chris had talked the whole ride there about how excited he was to play the new video game that Harry had gotten with him. And Buck…Buck was just excited to see everyone. Especially Athena, since it had been a few days since the last time they had talked.
“Gee, thanks for waiting up, guys.” Eddie says sarcastically as he climbs out of the car himself and closes his door. Chris was already long gone, having raced straight inside and bolted to Harry’s room. Buck, for his part, had kept his feet planted on the porch and sheepishly waits for Eddie to catch up.
“It’s not our fault that you’re old and slow,” Buck mocks as they walk inside, and Eddie shoots him an unimpressed look, “if you can’t keep up, you can just say so. No shame in admitting that your ancient bones aren’t what they used to be.”
“I’m only a few years older than you.”
“Practically a dinosaur.”
Buck ducks Eddie’s arm as it tries to swat him, but freezes when he hears someone clearing their throat. He straightens himself up and gives an awkward smile to Athena, who’s standing a few feet away from them with her arms crossed.
“Well, don’t just stand there.” She clicks her tongue. “Bring that food over here and give me a hug.”
Buck can’t help the genuine smile that rips across his face as he almost trips over his own feet to reach Athena and pull her into his arms.
“How are you doing, Buckaroo?” She asks, squeezing him tight.
“Never better,” he replies, “happy to see you again.”
She laughs. “It’s only been a few days. But I’m happy to see you, too, kiddo.”
He pouts. “I’m a grown man!”
At that same moment, Eddie walks past him, touching the small of his back as he does so. It takes everything in Buck to restrain the shudder that almost overcomes him at the casual touch. “Bet you wish you were a dinosaur like me now.”
After he’s out of eyesight, Athena gives Buck a knowing look, which he decidedly pretends to not understand.
She sighs. “You boys are going to give me gray hairs.”
“I like to keep people on their toes.” Buck says smugly.
Athena takes the tray of food from him and ushers him outside, telling him to go say hi to the others. He makes sure to give her a peck on the cheek before practically skipping his way outside. Bobby is by the grill wearing the apron that Buck had gotten him for Christmas the year prior, and the younger beams at the sight. He’s planning to go ask if the other needs any help, but is quickly intercepted by Hen and Karen.
“It’s been too long.” Karen tells him as she pulls him into a warm hug. Buck could get used to all of the physical affection he was receiving lately. He lets out a content sigh.
“Missed you, Karen.” He says, truthfully. Buck loves Karen. The two of them loved to split off together at parties and gossip over the dessert table. She never made Buck feel uncomfortable or like he was being judged.
At some point, Buck, Hen, and Karen migrate over to where Chim and Maddie are standing, the former with Jee slung around his chest in a baby carrier. Hen pokes fun at it and Chimney’s cheeks turn pink. He scowls at her.
“Don’t worry Chim.” Buck pats him on the back. “People have been using baby carriers since ancient Egypt. It’s nothing to be ashamed of.”
“Somehow that doesn’t really make me feel any better.”
Soon enough they’re all being called over by Bobby, Athena, and Eddie, who had set the table and were serving the food.
“Sit. Eat.” Eddie says once Buck is close enough to the table, and slides an already-made plate in front of him. The gesture makes Buck’s heart squeeze.
“Well, I wasn’t planning on it, but now that you’ve mentioned it…”
Eddie narrows his eyes at Buck’s tease, then huffs and turns around to make his own plate. Buck digs in immediately, if only to avoid the weighted look he was receiving from Maddie.
Buck offers to bring some food inside for the kids, but Athena waves him off and tells him that they’ll come eat when they’re hungry. They all sit, talking about work and life and everything in-between. Buck ignores the hollow feeling in his chest, forcing himself to rise to every remark from Chim and to joke around with Hen.
He doesn’t know what’s wrong with him. This was all he ever wanted, just quality time with his family. And he loves it, don’t get him wrong. But childishly, he had thought it would get rid of all of the hurt, all of the pain. Maybe it was helping to heal him, but not fast enough for his liking. He just wants to feel okay again. His leg bounces, the unrest rising up throughout his body, and he accidentally knees the table hard. The cracking noise has everyone wincing in phantom-pain and checking to see if he’s okay.
“Fucking…Ow.” Buck groans. Eddie, who is seated next to him, looks at him with concern. The man reaches out and carefully prods at Buck’s knee to check for injury, and Buck freezes. Once Eddie is apparently satisfied with his examination, he pats Buck’s thigh and returns to his food as if that had been a normal interaction. God, Buck was going to lose his goddamn mind.
Bobby clears his throat, and Buck’s head whips up to meet his eyes. “You okay, kid?”
“I..uh- yeah, I just…bathroom!” He sputters out before dashing away from the table and making his way inside. He can hear confused muttering from the table behind him, but he doesn’t dwell on it. He just needs some room to breathe.
Buck’s not surprised when he hears the tell-tale clicks of his sister’s heels behind him as he paces through the kitchen. He turns to look at her, hoping that he doesn’t appear as distraught as he feels.
“Great food, right?” He tries, weakly.
“Buck.” Her tone is no-nonsense. “What’s going on? The past week it’s been as if you’ve had a hair-trigger, ready to flee at any second.”
“I- I don’t…”
He lets Maddie lead him by the arm to the living room and be situated onto the couch beside her. She takes his hands in hers and Buck has no choice but to return her eye-contact.
“I know something is wrong, Buck. Please, talk to me. You’re my little brother, I hate seeing you like this. I thought things were getting better for you?”
“I thought so too,” Buck chokes out, overwhelmed, “I don’t know how to fix it.”
“Fix what?” There’s a crease in-between Maddie’s eyebrows. Buck feels shame wash over him.
“Me…” He whispers, turning his head so that he doesn’t have to see his sister’s reaction. “There’s something about me that just…no matter what I do, it stays broken. And I’ve tried everything, Mads, I swear I have. But nothing works. And now I’m ruining the barbecue.”
“First of all, you’re not ruining anything.” Maddie says gently, tugging at Buck’s hands, “And you’re not broken, Ev. I know for a fact that every other person sitting out there agrees with me on that.”
“Then why am I like this?” Buck asks desperately, hating how his voice cracks as he tries to push through the pain clawing at his throat.
Maddie runs a soft hand on his cheek. “Not because you’re broken. You’re just a little lost right now, and you need help. Buck, there is no shame in asking for help. You know you can talk to me. And if not me, you have Bobby, Athena, Eddie-”
Big warning bells go off in Buck’s head. He can’t risk Maddie telling the others that he’s not doing well. He doesn’t want them having to deal with him on top of all of their other stuff. “I’m fine, Mads. Seriously, I don’t need help.”
“Then what was that whole ‘I’m broken’ speech about?” Maddie demands, and Buck cringes. He sort of dug himself a hole there.
“A moment of weakness.” He jokes, then flounders when Maddie glares at him. “A lapse in judgment! Whatever you want to call it. I’m fine. Just drop it.”
“Fine. For now. But we will talk about this again, Buck.”
Buck shoots her some finger-guns. “Ooo, hard pass. I’m actually sick that day.”
“I didn’t even set a date-”
“Gotta go finish my food, Mads!”
Buck is out the door before his sister can say anything else, and he speeds back to his seat at the picnic table, where Eddie greets him with a raised eyebrow.
“Sibling stuff.” Buck says, waving him off dismissively.
Maddie returns eventually, looking thoroughly irritated. Buck gives her his best, cheeriest smile when she sits back down, and she rolls her eyes at him. Everyone continues to eat, casual chatter filling the air as they do so, but Buck’s mind is elsewhere. He needs a way to get Maddie off his back, fast. And if it means risking his dignity at this picnic table, well…
“Oh, hey, Bobby. I’ve been meaning to ask you something.”
“Sure, Buck. What is it?”
“Remember when you told me about that support group? I think I’ve changed my mind, can you send me the details for it?” Buck asks innocently, ignoring the way the rest of the table reacts like he’s just dropped a bomb on them.
Bobby looks stunned. “Uh…O-Of course, Buck! I’ll do that right now!”
The captain pulls out his phone and begins furiously tapping at the screen, and Buck risks a look at Eddie. Eddie looks proud of him, and Buck has to swallow down the guilt. He’s really only doing this to get out in front of the issue, to prevent Maddie from tattling on him to the team. But Eddie is looking at him so proudly, and Hen and Chim are sharing relieved smiles, and suddenly Buck is realizing that he has to go through with this now. Unless he wants to disappoint the hell out of his family, which he does not.
“Thanks.” He grits out, a fake smile plastered on his face. “Sounds great.”
Buck pulls up to the rec center where the meeting is being held, and he does his best to silence the voice in his head that’s telling him to turn his Jeep back around and drive home. He promised the team that he would tell them how his first meeting went tomorrow at work, and they’ll know within seconds if he’s lying.
He’s doing his best not to associate this with what happened the last time he went to therapy. At least this time, he won’t be alone in a room with someone who only wants him for sex.
As he drags himself out of his car and begins the walk to the front doors, Buck creates a game-plan in his mind. He won’t speak - he’s pretty sure it’s not mandatory that he has to - he’ll just listen. Just get a feel for the place for the first session.
He’s not more than three steps into the meeting room when he feels the mood in the air switch. Checking his watch, he confirms that he’s not late, but it seems that everyone else has already arrived and are seated in the kind of stereotypical circle you see on TV.
“Oh! Welcome!” A woman with thin, rectangle glasses and a nasally voice gushes. “We didn’t know we were getting any new members! Come sit, come sit!”
Buck takes one of the two empty seats, and does his best not to squirm under the unforgiving eyes of the people around him.
The woman smiles brightly at him. “I’m Cathy, the leader of this group. What’s your name?”
“Uh, Buck.”
“Buck?” Another woman in the circle asks, her tone judgmental and disbelieving.
Buck plays with the hem of his shirt. “Evan Buckley.” He corrects. “But everyone calls me Buck.”
“Well, tell us a little bit about yourself, Buck!” Cathy directs sweetly, and Buck feels like he’s going to throw up.
“Maybe we should give him a second to settle in.” A guy from the circle suggests, and Buck lets out a deep breath of relief. “It might be helpful for him if we start, and then he can jump in whenever he wants.”
Murmurs of agreement come from the rest of the group, and Cathy brightly congratulates the man on having such a good idea. Buck turns to the man to flash him a grateful smile, but he falters when he notices something. The man is staring at Buck, but he doesn’t look as friendly as his words had suggested. His eyes are narrow where they study Buck’s form, and his lips are pursed tightly. It puts an uncomfortable feeling in Buck’s gut, and it seems like the man is challenging him to see who will look away first. Buck breaks, focusing back on Cathy, who has started telling a story about herself, but the hairs on his neck stay standing as he can tell the man’s gaze is still on him. The entire time Cathy talks, Buck can’t pay attention to a word she’s saying, because those damn eyes are burning holes into his head.
Once Cathy has finished, everyone is clapping, and it takes Buck a second to get with the program and join in on the applause. Another girl looks like she’s about to take over, but the man quickly cuts her off and asks to take his turn. Once Cathy grants him permission, he’s no longer staring at Buck, but rather the floor as he grunts out his story.
“I’m Bill, and as most of you know,” he begins, “last year I was in a nightclub that caught on fire.”
Buck’s stomach twists.
“I can still feel the heat on my skin most days, same with the screams of panic and fear from the people around me. When I close my eyes, all I can see is the crowd pushing and stumbling over one another to escape. I was with my girlfriend at the time, and after someone shoved her, she fell and twisted her ankle. Almost the entire place had cleared out at that point, and that’s when the ceiling started coming down. A piece of it fell right onto her and kept her pinned down.”
His attention shifts back to Buck, pure hatred behind his blue eyes.
“A couple firefighters rushed in to evacuate the rest of us. I didn’t want to leave my girlfriend’s side, and I begged the firefighters to get the rubble off of her and help her escape. They gave me this awful, pitying look, and said we had to leave her behind or we were all going to get trapped inside. Two of them grabbed me by the arms and dragged me out of the building, no matter how much I screamed for them to let me go. I can still hear the terrified begging from my girlfriend when she realized we were abandoning her. Right after the firefighters and I got to safety, the entire building collapsed. She died before they could even dig her out.”
That’s when Buck realizes his mistake. He was wearing one of the shirts he’d stolen from Eddie over the years. It was an LAFD long-sleeve. Buck liked it because it had DIAZ stretched across the back of it, and it made him feel safe. Now, however, it was more of a target than anything else. It clearly marked him as a firefighter - an occupation that this man seems to hold an extreme grudge against.
And the thing is, Buck sympathized with Bill. He would be angry as all hell too, if something like that happened to Eddie or Christopher. Firefighters are supposed to save. But he also knows that if the firefighters in Bill’s story had orders to get the hell out of that nightclub, they were just doing their job. It was a tough situation.
The rest of the meeting passed in the blink of an eye, and Buck felt paralyzed to his seat the entire time. He was barely able to stutter out a declination when Cathy asked him if he wanted to share. He weighed his options while Cathy closed out the meeting. It was obvious that this guy wanted a confrontation with Buck to get out his grievances against those other firefighters. He could hightail it out of there, never to return, but that felt like a cowardly move. He should just let the guy take his anger out on him.
So, he helps put away the chairs along with everyone else, and lingers under a streetlight in the parking lot during everybody’s goodbyes and promises to see each other next week. Once all of the cars have left the parking lot except for two, just as Buck expects, Bill steps out from the shadows and stalks towards him.
Buck sighs, “Look, Bill, I’m sorry about what happened to your girlfriend. That should have never-”
He doesn’t get the rest of his sentiment out, because Bill hits him with a nasty right hook that leaves him stumbling across the pavement.
“You left my girlfriend there to die.” And Buck wants to say his usual smart-ass comment about how it wasn’t technically him that did that, but the murderous glint in Bill’s eyes reels him back in. He rethinks his phrasing, attempting for a more empathetic tone.
“Hey, man,” Buck pleads, slowly backing away towards his car, “I wish I had been there to do more for you and your girlfriend, but the fact of the matter is that I wasn’t. I’m not the guy you’re really angry at.”
That was apparently the wrong thing to say, because Bill lets out a roar and hurls himself at Buck, sending them both to the ground. Buck could easily knock Bill off of him, he definitely has the upper-hand with his firefighter training, but he doesn’t want to hurt the guy. It’s starting to seem like his only option is to let Bill beat the shit out of him.
Bill scrambles to his feet, and before Buck can follow, he’s being kicked hard in the ribs. He chokes out another apology, but Bill ignores it in favor of stomping his boot down on Buck’s collarbone.
After what feels like forever, Bill spits on Buck, who’s still heaving on the ground, and then walks off to his car and leaves. Buck lets himself lay on the cool pavement for a few more minutes in order to catch his breath.
Trying, and failing, to do without hacking up a lung, Buck peels himself up off of the ground and drags his feet over to his car. Unfortunately, with the condition he’s in, he’s afraid he’ll get pulled over for drunk driving. And if it happens to be Athena to do so? He shudders at the mere thought of it.
So, even though his ribs protest and his legs feel like jelly, Buck takes a deep breath and starts what will most definitely be a treacherous walk home.