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How did she get so lucky?
Lucy Dacus thought there was never a time where she would find the comfort of being in love, let alone be in love. Yet here she was, in a point in her life where she could say that she found it.
She never in a million years would think it was the same, pretty, intelligent, laughably sweet, brown haired and brown eyed girl that she’d known for 7 full years.
They were spending the holidays in Memphis, with Julien’s family, wrapping up one of the best years of their lives. Their band’s first length album was a big hit with fans and critics, they went around the states and the world performing for thousands, they performed at Madison Square Garden, the world’s most famous arena, for the first time ever, had a lot of television appearances and magazine covers, and became Grammy nominated for the first time ever, 7 to be exact.
But their biggest achievement this year: finally becoming a couple after all these years.
It just…happened. Both of them didn’t knew it at the time, but it felt so right to be in the company of each other, no matter what type of relationship they had, either platonic or romantic, or a secret third thing no one outside of them understood. They knew both of them were right for each other, but the moment caught away from them years earlier, unable to say anything more for the time being. It just seemed like the universe didn’t want them to be together, at least not at the time of that happening.
Part of them wanted to remain as friends. So badly. She finally got herself together, finally got sober, got a dog, and got a stable girlfriend. She was happy for her, don’t get her wrong, but…she felt like there was supposed to be a space for her in her life still to make time for her. Every chance they got together, they would travel around Tennessee, enjoying the state’s pleasures of living, enjoy the wildlife, and maybe, stay the night at the nearest motel. She loved every minute of it, spending time with her, just enjoying the company of one another without a care in the world. Just like the two friends they have always been.
That was until this year, when everything suddenly changed.
~
Phoebe, being the brilliant genius that she is, had the idea of the first three songs of the record being their own music videos. True Blue was the last shot of those three. The last segment of the video would be Lucy kissing Phoebe and Julien. A clever idea, a fun and exciting one actually, but in reality, it scared her. Not because of the idea of kissing her two best friends, but because she was going to kiss the one girl she’s been secretly pining and longing for for years.
The thought of it made her go into a panic attack afterwards in secret.
For years, she really wanted to let her on and off crush for Julien go. She had a full girlfriend, she didn’t need to bother into her business, but as the preparation for the video went into overdrive, she just couldn’t let herself drive into the unknown of what a romantic relationship between them could have been in another timeline where they weren’t bandmates but rather close friends with musical connections.
The night before, however, she accidentally had the urge to dream about Julien on top of her making love to her.
It scared the absolute hell out of her, she almost called Phoebe to call the whole thing off.
And like everything else in the world, it just…happened.
The video shoot went on as normally planned, with Lucy having the time of her life with the visuals of the video, however, when the time came to kiss the girls, it was intense. The kiss with Phoebe was fine, it felt normal and passionate like a true friendship would, but when it came to Julien, that was when she lost it completely.
The way that both of them played along with it gave them more motivation to keep going. It just..felt like this was always meant to be like this. She imagined this moment for years, but absolutely never this soon. The way she kissed her was…electric. Like this moment she wanted to keep going forever. The way she felt Julien smirked into the kiss was when she knew there was so much more to this. So much more she wanted to explore with her.
To kiss her and touch her in a way that felt so much more.
That night at the place she was staying in the area, she just lost it, screaming into the pillow for finally doing the bravest thing she’s done in her life so far.
And finally, she came to the realization that will haunt her for the foreseeable future.
She had fallen for Julien.
~
The Record came out. People loved it. It was #1 in the UK and all three members were enjoying their success. Taylor Swift even gave it a shoutout, making them feel like their lives were completed.
All three of them were now in California, for Coachella, their first big show back as a group. It was exciting for everyone, finally performing these new songs live while also getting to experience the older songs in a bigger environment.
However, those two weekends were also the moments that both Julien and Lucy knew something was up in their involvements with each other.
It was right after the boys’ big performance in the first weekend. The three of them had a shared trailer outside of the festival, and were just finished with a longline of post-show interviews. Phoebe was away, watching whatever was playing at the moment, and Julien was outside talking to someone on the phone, leaving Lucy alone inside.
She was minding her business, reading a book she brought with her for company and listening to music from her phone on a player that was part of the trailer. She was still wearing the suit from the performance, unbothered to change at the moment. She stopped reading and concentrated on the music playing on her device.
Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol. She learned it for karaoke one day and was obsessed with it ever since.
The song and its lyrics captivated Lucy in some way. She loves the story being told in it. It’s just 4 minutes, and barely has a lot of words, but it feels right for her, being lost in it. She thinks of what it means for herself, what the song means to her and her interpretation of it.
It reminds her of those evenings getting to know someone, hoping they feel the same way about you, but feeling like you could live in those moments forever.
It's about being frustrated because of the insecurity of articulating your feelings.
The fear of being misinterpreted, and perhaps, spoiling what is, is too much to risk.
The risk of telling Julien she loves her.
It scared her, so much, but she still couldn’t get out of it.
All of a sudden, the trailer door opened, signaling that someone was here and will deprive Lucy of no longer being alone. She stopped the song in advance.
It was Julien, frustrated over something. She sat next to Lucy in the couch.
“You okay, Jules?”
“It’s been a whole hour since our set, and…she…hasn’t answered back…I sent her a link to the show and everything…”
“I’m sorry.”
Lucy proceeds to wrap her in a hug, until-
“Do you think I’m the problem?”
She was puzzled by this response. “No, I really don’t think-“
“Luce, ever since we came here, all she has given me is just thumbs up and waves. Every single picture I take of this place, all the same response. It feels like I’ve been ghosted.”
“Maybe she’s asleep, Jules, you know how time zones work-“
“THE SAME FUCKING TIME ZONES EXCUSE, LUCY, I JUST…” Julien stopped herself before she could go more violent than she already is. She took a deep breath and continued, “I just think she doesn’t care anymore…not about me, I guess, but about me and her.”
Lucy looked at her sadly, not caring if the feeling of yearning the brunette at this very moment wasn’t important. She needed to be there for her, even if it’s the biggest and smallest things in life.
“Jules, just…take a break from it. Lay down with me, calm yourself a little.”
Julien held back. “But…what if she-“
“Jules, just- please do this for me.”
She didn’t want to be a mess in front of her, so she just followed orders. “Fine, but if I sleep first, I’m telling Phoebe you kept me hostage outside for drinking too much, which I didn’t do .”
“I didn’t say I did .”
They just laid on the couch for as long as they needed to be, letting the sounds of the festival be the soundtrack of their little hangout. Lucy then had the idea to turn on the music player, Chasing Cars once again on blast.
“Snow Patrol again, Luce? I see someone’s a Lightbody girl.”
“Shut up, Baker.” Lucy quieted her.
Julien liked the song too. Not as much as The Reason by Hoobastank, her go to karaoke song, but it was still beautiful. She always thought it was beautifully written and sung and she even dared to tell Lucy to switch their songs for a night to test the waters, but she got too choked up by the first chorus that she gave up. It still brings her embarrassment every time Phoebe mentions it, but it still is a great story to tell for years to come.
As the song went on, Julien had the urge to rest her head on Lucy’s chest, which she always does all the time, but this time, it felt…different.
She didn’t know if it was the mood they were in, or the hormones kicking in, but she got too adored by Lucy and the way she was looking, so pretty and glowing, with her signature red lipstick color in view. She loved it so much, and it fitted her so well.
But recently, she felt like a spark coming to life every time she looked at her.
This wasn’t the same thing with Mariah, and she knew it, so why is this happening with Lucy?
She didn’t want to this to happen, not before she started to have an outburst in front of her. Until recently, she thought she was done with the feeling that Lucy could still be in her thoughts all the time, more than music and their friendship, but something more than that. She was so scared to admit it, she was done feeling feelings with her, but after the events of the True Blue video shoot, it just…wasn’t even worth thinking it in the clear anymore.
And once again, like everything else in the world, it just…happened.
Lucy tilted into Julien’s direction, checking to see if the girl was alright. “Hey, Jules? What you thinking up there?”
She couldn’t think straight, she was so beautiful like this, the darkness making it extra special for her to admire.
“Julien? Are- are you okay?”
She felt her body tense in confusion between Lucy’s, the couch and the song playing. And without even thinking about it, not even twice , she held Lucy’s jaw and kissed her.
The emotions running through both of them felt at an all time high, both mentally and physically. They both melted into the kiss, tongues intertwined with one another and teeth being bitten. They both didn’t knew it at the time, but this was the one that changed everything.
It was the set all over again, but this time, it was just them, the two of them alone.
They both stopped for air, both of them now breathing uncontrollably, hands playing with and eyes glued to each other. Both of them knew what had happened, and there was no going back from it.
Julien finches first, “Lucy, I’m so…”
“Jules, it’s okay-“
“I…think I heard Phoebe calling me, I’m so sorry. I need…I just need-“
And Julien left the trailer without saying more.
She rushed outside, hiding from the euphoria of what she just did. She started to cry not because of sheer embarrassment and shame, but because she felt a huge amount of pressure now filled in her. Anxiety began to run her mind, not believing she just did that.
She finally realized it. After all those years of not figuring out if it still had any meaning.
She had fallen for Lucy.
~
Not long after Coachella, they broke up.
All anyone in their circle knew is that it was a mutual ending, on their own terms, no hard feelings and still friendly with each other.
Lucy and Phoebe decided it was best for Julien to be with them so that they can keep an eye on her in the event she got into another depression again. However, with Phoebe temporarily leaving soon, opening for Taylor Swift at her Eras Tour, it felt difficult for Lucy to even be caring for Julien after what happened in Indio. She knew she wasn’t in the mood to talk to her, at least outside of music, because she knew whatever conversation would come up of, it wasn’t the one on their minds, the obvious talk they knew they would have eventually. So Julien decided to leave Lucy behind and join Phoebe in her first Eras show in Nashville, saving whatever had to be said for another time.
However, Lucy really needed this. She needed to tell Julien how she felt about her before it was too late. She had this opportunity now, and she was not going to ruin it this time.
At the same time, Julien felt the same way too. She just got out of a relationship unexpectedly, and part of her knew it was her fault, but at the same time, her feelings for Lucy grew the more she thought about it. She was the first person who understood everything about her. Their religious backgrounds, their queer upbringings, living in the south. She knew there was something more into that aspect, something she knew would change them whole, and she was scared of whatever happened from there on out.
She was her missing puzzle piece.
She was her everything.
She was the best thing to ever happen to her.
And she never admitted it because the chance left her long ago.
She needed her. She needed to apologize.
~
It was three days before Phoebe’s first show that she got the call that Lucy was going to join them to perform.
When she told Julien, she smiled a little, but in a sad way.
“Why are you upset? I don’t know what is going on between the two of you, but it’s concerning me, J. You own her an apology for ratting out on her.”
“It’s complicated, Pheebs.”
“Why?” Phoebe quietly said.
Julien shifted her attention to her friend, making sure no one was around them in sound check hearing them out.
Then, she finally told her the truth.
“Remember when Lucy and I had these crushes on each other?”
And that’s when Phoebe knew. There was absolutely something more between her two best friends.
Lucy arrived at Nashville International Airport hours later. Phoebe picked her up and left Julien at her house because she knew it would be painful for her to see her so soon after everything that happened. She didn’t mention to her what Julien had told her obviously, but she knew this wasn’t her space to dive into matters that had nothing to do with her.
“So how was the flight?”
“Bumpy, but still pretty good.”
“I’m so happy you’re going to sing with us after all-“
“How’s Julien?”
Of course she would bring her up. Phoebe just needed to go along with it for the other girl’s sake. “She’s fine. She’s been a good practice partner during all of this. Even bonded with the band.”
Lucy smiled, then turned around to see the view. “I was hoping she would enjoy herself.”
“Yeah, I know she does.”
Lucy then decided to turn things around.
“Can you leave me at Jules’ place?”
~
“Please let me know if you need anything. I’ll see you later, Luce.”
She has been to her house before. A beautiful little home in the middle of Nashville. Painted grey and silver and had pictures of her, her parents and their family. She loved the quietness of friendliness of it, even if its host is not her best at the moment.
Speaking of the host, she was in her room, wearing the skeleton outfit that’s the trademark of Phoebe’s Punisher album. Lucy couldn’t help but blush at the scene in front of her. Her brown hair and her tattooed arms perfectly joined in her eyes. She really was a beautiful view. She can hear her singing her part on Not Strong Enough, humming through the harmonies of her voice.
Julien stopped singing the moment she saw Lucy in the mirror. She knew she was coming, but she didn’t expect it this soon. She thought she was in the hotel
“Hi, Jules.”
She couldn’t make a sentence to save her life. “Hey.”
“It fitted! I knew it would work on you.” They previously talked about the skeleton outfits, it being a dream for them to wear in the event Phoebe invited one or both of them on stage.
However, that was before everything with them happened, and she was upset she wasn’t there when she tried it on for the first time.
Both of them were now looking at each other now, full of guilt on their part.
“I’ll make something, it looks like you had a-“
“Jules, we…we need to talk. You know that, right?”
Oh…oh.
Of course Julien knew there was a catch.
~
After a quick lunch, they were both on Julien’s bed, about to have the conversation they should’ve had not days, nor weeks, but years ago.
It scared them both that they unfortunately had to come at this point, but they both needed this, for themselves’ sake.
Lucy started first. “Do you think of me, in a…” she shuttered, “romantic way?”
Julien couldn’t think of an answer, so she sallowed a simple “I think so”.
“Do you think…” she hated to confess it, but it had to be said, “I was the reason you broke-“
“Wait WHAT? I…no…it had…” Julien was angry was that comment, “of course not, what are you talking about?”
“I’m sorry, I was just…you know…wondering what happened.”
“Luce, it just…it just happened. Don’t blame yourself…please.” Julien said as she started to cry. She hated crying under pressure, and now here Lucy was seeing her in this state.
“Jules…I…I didn’t know…”
“Well now you do.” She begins to sob.
At that moment. Lucy felt a little overwhelmed. She knew she didn’t mean to hurt her feelings for overstepping into a boundary she knew she didn’t need to cross, but at the same time, she felt awful for doing so. She knew the anxiety was coming back to her, and it wouldn’t be long until she had another breakdown again, so Lucy just held her in her arms until she calmed down.
Julien played with her hair, feeling herself back to earth, rubbing with it and calming herself.
Lucy looked down on her, taking her next words into consideration before saying it out loud.
“Julien…I…I love you, so much.”
“I know, Luce-“
“No, Jules, I really, really , love you.”
Julien stopped staring at her hair to look at her, “Wait…what do you mean you really love me?”
Lucy took a breath deep before taking it in, years of shame and guilt finally coming to a standstill.
“When I met you, I knew we had this connection. A connection that I didn’t even knew I could have with someone. We were both southern Christian kids, wanting to please our families and do something meaningful in this world. I felt like I could find myself in your music and your stories and everything else than makes you…you. And then I realize something along the way that I didn’t even knew of until now. You made my life better. You made me a better artist. You changed everything for me. You made me like I can become thousands time better in my work than I can ever be. All because you were in it, Jules. It took me…years to figure out I was not over you. I just…didn’t want to risk our friendship, and I didn’t want to risk this special thing we have. Yes, I’m scared shitless of the future, and yes I’m scared that I don’t know what will come next for us, but… all I want you to know is…I want my future to be with you. I’m not losing this again…and I’m not losing you again. I just can’t…imagine the feeling of leaving you again after this cycle ends, because I want you to be in my life, Julien. Always and forever. If you don’t feel the same, I get it, but you, Julien Rose Baker, I will never, ever , stop loving you until you believe I can tell you that without you being afraid of saying it.”
She finally finished, feeling relieved that a huge weight has been lifted.
Julien just looked into her, tears falling from her eyes. She knew how much she was loved, but hearing it from Lucy, the one person she cared the most, broke her. For years, she struggled with the feeling of being loved, in a sense because of the shame of being religious. The shame of a girl not loving her bad, even if she did something wrong. She felt like Lucy was the first person who understood everything about herself. She knew there was something in there.
Both of them just needed to take the first step.
Julien stood up, looking up at Lucy now, with tears still in her eyes. Both of them knew what would happen next.
They both waited a very long time for this.
They just…let it happened.
Julien kisses her so hard, feeling her red warm lips against hers. Lucy responds back, this time, she’s the one who smirks into it.
They both looked at each other’s eyes for the longest time, until the small woman broke the silence.
“What if I told you that…I love you too?”
~
Looking back, Lucy really did the right decision to come to Tennessee and get Julien to talk to her, because now, she just couldn’t imagine a life without her…literally.
Right now, they were in Julien’s bed, relishing the cold, clear midnight wind. They don’t like Christmas, but they loved being in each other’s company.
Julien was sleeping, snoring like a bear and squirming like a caterpillar. Lucy was awake, watching her movements like a sly cat awaiting for her meal. It was now just normal routine for the two of them, one of them staring into the other sleeping. It just felt right…like everything else they did this year.
Julien woke up, looking at Lucy with a mischievous, sleepy look.
“Hey, princess.”
“Luce, why are you still awake?”
The tall woman smiled and blushed a little, twirling the other woman’s curls.
“I just wanted to look at you.”
“Don’t lie, I know that excuse.”
“Baby, can I hug you?”
Julien smiled, appreciating the gesture. “Of course you can, Luce.”
Lucy hugged her girlfriend tightly, melting into her touch. Last year at this time, she never thought she would do this, being of the company of the woman she loved the most. They both went through hell to get to this point, but they knew it all worked out for the better.
They were now well known.
They were Grammy nominated.
And they were now girlfriends.
Snow Patrol was right, if they laid there, they would forget the world around them, not caring about the insecurities of what came after them.
And now, looking at Julien and her beautiful sleeping, Lucy wouldn’t trade anything, her girlfriend or their careers, for the world.