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Luis wondered a lot what death would look like.
He kind of had to, really- it always felt like an inevitable. Unavoidable. He always imagined himself dying young; drowning in a pool of his own mistakes, choking on the blood he caused with his own hands. Maybe he’d inhale too much smoke, maybe he’d toy with the line between curiosity and danger a little too harshly-
Either way, Luis never planned very far ahead. He could never imagine himself settling down or finding somebody to love forever and ever. He accepted that long ago; that as long as he was alive, death was close to follow suit.
He just hoped that death would be peaceful. Like falling asleep and waking up in a crowded room full of your loved ones.
So adjusting to the opposite- adjusting to a new life full of people who cared about him, a man who’d love him until the end of time, a stable home, a steady job- it didn’t come naturally to Luis. Far from it, in fact.
He had to fight tooth and nail to get the people in Leon’s life to trust him fully. That he was OK with, though; he was used to getting his hands (nonmetaphorically) dirty to survive. But what he wasn’t used to was seeing his efforts actually pay off.
Rebecca worked in the BSAA’s laboratories close by his side completely by choice. Chris offered for him to stay the night at his place when Leon was away. Hell, even Jill loaned him the keys to her car when his broke down;
It was almost domestic in nature. Like Luis had his own circle of support outside of Leon.
No- he did have support outside of Leon now. He had people who cared about him. People who wanted to see the best in him. People who looked past his mistakes. People who loved him.
Luis needed to keep reminding himself of that.
But he wasn’t alone, at least.
He has Leon to help with that seemingly oh-so difficult task every single day of his life.
Even when Leon didn’t realize it- he was reminding Luis that he was loved and cared for with every little action he gave. From soft morning kisses in bed, to cooking him a small breakfast before work, to picking him up in the afternoons to take him on little coffee dates;
Sometimes it felt like the smaller, more menial moments meant far more to Luis than any loud declaration of love ever could.
Which was ironic, cuz loud declarations of love were Luis’ specialty;
He’d taken after his childhood hero Don Quixote in that way. He’d taken after him in many-a ways- but performing flowery speeches and winding poems of love were one of the dozens of talents Luis had picked up from his beloved book. And, hell, they clearly worked- because people adored them.
Even when he wasn’t trying to be painfully romantic, they still worked- and the evening Luis found himself in was no exception. He could spin jokes and tell tall tales to Claire, Rebecca, Chris and Jill like there was no tomorrow- and they hung into his every word with an almost childlike curiosity. Ashley saw through this, though. It was far from an act Luis was putting on- it’s not like he was lying about any of his stories- but she of all people knew how genuine Luis was in the way he expressed his emotions. Ashley of all people knew especially how much being perceived as chivalrous and quixotic meant to him.
It was one of the few things he could control in life. And one of the few genuine things he could give back to people. He liked seeing others smile; it made him feel like he was doing something truly good.
But as much as Luis was a talker; he was equal parts a listener. Moreso, even. The longer the New Years Eve party went on, the quieter Luis found himself becoming, ironically- choosing to lean against the wall in the corner of the kitchen and watch his friends laugh about their own inside jokes and lates mishaps on missions like it was only yesterday they’d just come back from them. Hell, maybe it was only yesterday- Luis lost track of the conversation after letting his eyes dip close one too many times. He’d lost track of time entirely, in fact; which was a very new feeling for him.
He’d always kept track of time. Minutes. Hours. Days. He had to keep track of these arbitrary numbers or else he ran the risk of succumbing to the Plagas or his own madness. It was a tiring cycle; a cycle he didn’t even realize was so exhausting until Leon pulled him out of it.
For the first time in years, Luis let himself loose track of time.
He felt safe. He felt at home.
He’d lost so much throughout his life. Every home he had- His Grandfather, and every home he built for himself- His Dream Team at Umbrella… it’d all come crumbling down around him one way or another eventually. And Luis would be lying if he said he didn’t miss it. He’d be lying if he said he didn’t miss his Grandfather’s baritone voice or the makeshift Birthday Parties Umbrella would haphazardly throw for their employees.
But Leon brought that all back to him.
He loved Luis like he was apart of him. His other half. His person. And Luis did the same.
Leon built him a home he could feel safe in; a home that wouldn’t be destroyed. Leon caressed him every night and listened to him ramble and read him stories in his terrible attempt at Spanish whenever he asked-
He woke Luis from his nightmares and dried his tears with gentle kisses. He’s put Chris or Rebecca on the phone to tell him a stupid joke just to cheer him up.
Leon gave him everything. And Luis just prayed to God that he could give him the same back, too. Even if it was just in little ways.
Speaking of…
“You’re Husband looks dead to the world, Luis,”
Claire playfully jeered from the other side of the room, her smile hidden behind a glass of wine as Luis was practically snapped back to reality, blinking his big brown eyes like a newborn deer. He almost forgot they’d gotten married- that Luis had proposed to Leon with one of his own rings.
“¿Q-Que-?”
“Leon,”
Jill chirped up and gently jabbed his side with her elbow, nodding her head towards the couch on the opposite end of the small and homely apartment where, past Rebecca and Chris standing beside a doubled-down-with-laughter Ashley, was Leon; his head propped up with the heel of his hand and his eyes already closed as he seemingly instinctively curled up against the throw couch pillows sleepily.
It took pretty much every muscle in Luis’ body not to audibly coo and melt into a puddle right then and there. Claire and Jill were right; Leon was fast asleep in the middle of a New Year’s party. To say that was adorable would be an understatement.
“Gracias, señorita,”
Luis playfully flicked his wrist at Jill, causing her to scrunch her nose up with a smile.
“I’ll go rescue my Prince Charming from his slumber, eh?”
“Don’t let him miss out on the countdown!” Claire raised her glass towards the clock on the wall. 11:45 PM, it read. Luis shook his head and gave her an affectionate wink as he passed,
“Oh, no, I’d never let him miss out on such a monumental moment”
“He’ll bug you about it for weeks if you don’t”
Luis shot the both of them a quick grin,
“I’ll take my chances.”
Luis wasn’t sure how much better he knew Leon compared to his friends, but he knew for certain that his partner would infinitely rather sleep though the New Years Countdown than force himself to stay awake for it- he hardly got any sleep, after all. Missions kept him on his feet like a waking zombie.
Luis gently sat down next to Leon on the couch, carefully positioning himself so his weight didn’t dip the cushions enough to wake his Sleeping Beauty up.
He couldn’t help but just… stare at Leon for a few moments.
Seeing his partner so genuinely at peace was such a rarity for the both of them. Even early in the mornings when the two still had time to lie in bed, Leon would still insist on waking up first and getting himself dressed for no particular occasion.
Pure rest was hard to come by for the both of them- so Luis didn’t dare move a muscle to try and wake his lover. Despite the fact that the music was blaring and the people walking in circles around them were cackling louder than the showtunes on the radio.
“ Oh my gosh,” Ashley practically gasped at the sight; he voice lowered to a whisper despite it not being necessary. Luis flashed her a smile.
“ Is he asleep??”
“Yeah,”
Luis was practically giggling like a teenage girl, brushing a few stray strands of hair out of Leon’s face- his eyelashes fluttering against his freckles cheeks.
“ I might take him outside. Y’know, where it’s a little quieter”
Ashley made a noise that was somewhere between a squeak and an ‘ aaaaaawwweee!! ’, her hands clasped over her toothy grin.
“ That is so cute, oh my gosh!! He won’t wake up if you carry him, will he?? Wait, no- do you need help carrying him out?”
Luis huffed a laugh at Ashley’s genuine worry- giving her a quick peck on the cheek to ease her woes.
“ Your Príncipe will be just fine, Mariposa- And if he does wake up, I’ll just kiss him to sleep again”
Ashley gently shoved his arm, “ I don’t think that’s how the story goes… I think it’s the opposite way, Luis”
“Nah. You’re mad. Mad as a crazed man”
This caused Ashley to double down into laughter- clutching her stomach as Luis couldn’t help but giggle along at her amusement. He took the opportunity to slip his arms under Leon’s knees and back while Ashley was distracted, lifting his partner up with a slight grunt bridal-style.
Luis still struggled with his back from time to time. Most of the time, actually- and while tonight seemed to be one of his ‘better days’, those were, unfortunately, very few and far between.
Most of the time it just… ached. A guttural, bone-deep kind of ache that he could never assign a name for even on the best of days. Sometimes it was easy for him to stand on shaky legs and make his way to the other end of their shared apartment- but on other days, Luis genuinely couldn’t get out of bed. The pain gripped him so harshly that even his own medications wouldn’t provide him any relief.
There was a time where Luis refused those medications, too. Penance, he had said; a worthy punishment for his crimes. He knew now that it was just plain and simple self-harm, but that didn’t stop him from trying.
And oh, how he tried.
But, as always… Leon pulled him out of those endlessly deep waters tooth-and-nail. He spent many-a sleepless nights at Luis’ bedside just cooing to him and softly trying to convince him to just take his medications. And eventually, his struggles paid off. Luis didn’t think he’d have as much confidence and self-worth as he did now without that gentle push from Leon. But never once did his partner complain, no; he loved him back like it was as easy as breathing.
Hell, even on nights where Luis tossed and turned- back wet and eyebrows knit together as he dreamt of the knife to his back, the Plagas wriggling around in his chest, the machine that tore his skin apart to remove it- Leon was always there, always by his side, to hold his hand and be there for him when he woke.
So carrying his lover Bridal-Style away from the crowded party and through the fly-mask screen door outside onto the balcony was the least he could do.
The screeeeeeeeeeck of the plasticky door handle was enough to get Leon stirring- because, somehow, picking him up and moving him halfway across the room wasn’t enough already- and Luis noticed near-immediately that his boyfriends eyes had started fluttering. So, as much as he wanted to dust the cushions off, Luis swiftly took a seat on one of the outdoor couches that sat tucked up against the corner of the balcony- it smelt old and it was far from soft. Weather-worn from spending years outside. Bugs buzzed around the blueish overhead light, occasionally flying close to Luis’ hair.
But he didn’t mind. As long as Leon didn’t wake up.
“ Luis…?”
Ah, damnit.
“ Amoooorrr,”
Luis cooed, placing an arm around Leon’s side as he coaxed his head back onto his lap, running his free hand through that dusty-blonde hair he’d gotten familiar with gently grasping onto.
“You should be asleep, no?”
“ Rrrwe outside…?”
Leon’s words were slurred and probably almost entirely intelligible if it weren’t for the fact that Luis knew him well enough to know what he was trying to say. He nodded,
“Sí. You were falling asleep on the couch inside. Figured being out here might be a little nicer for you”
Leon didn’t respond at first. He just rubbed his eyes and yawned; and Luis felt his heart squeeze at the sight. Leon instinctively curled against Luis’ lap even further, and his lover took that as a sign to gently drape the thin-fabric blanket over his body and card his fingers through his hair lovingly.
“ It’s nice,”
Leon finally mumbled.
“ ‘S quiet. But, like, I can still hear everyone inside.. just… muffled.”
That much was true. Through the fly-screen door, the distant sound of music and laughter and drinks being clinked together bounced off of the ceramic-tile floors and echoed along the balcony. It was nice. Comforting. Comforting to know that the people who loved them both were just a door away.
Luis couldn’t remember the last time he experienced something quite like this. Maybe when he was a child, after late-night Church ceremonies, when his Grandfather would pick him up and drape his tired body over his shoulders while waving goodbye to their neighbors- the distant sounds of bells and singing and laughter growing more and more distant the closer to their little cabin they got. Laughter would be replaced with the soft swooshes of water lapping against the shore, yet those bells could still be heard if he listened out hard enough. Even as he fell asleep Luis could swear he could hear the scratches of his Grandfather’s pen against paper from the other room.
It was funny how some things just… never changed.
‘Funny.’ More like terrifying.
Guilt and anxiety were very, very powerful feelings, Luis had learnt. He’d spent a very large majority of his life totally convinced that he was a bad person; that he’d hurt everybody and everyone around him and that the cycle of death and destruction that seemed to follow in his wake everywhere he went would never end. He’d forced himself to accept that, a long, long time ago- that there was no opportunity of forgiveness for him. That he was always doomed to make the same mistakes over and over and hurt everyone who’d ever loved him and never be worthy of change. Never be worthy of love. But that didn’t stop the deep, nagging voice in the back of his throat that longed for hope. That crazy, almost quixotic desperation for a better life- a life he would fight tooth-and-nail for. That he’d get his knuckles bloody and bruised over. That he’s loose teeth and morals for.
And learning that his cycles could be broken, and that he was deserving of love was… hard. It was hard to accept change. It was hard to sit with and come to terms with all of the people he had hurt and still accept love from others- from Leon. But once again…
Leon loved him so easily, it felt like breathing. And Luis would be a damned dishonest liar if he didn’t admit that loving Leon back felt just as easy as spinning his lighter between his fingers.
It was just hard to understand why Leon loved him. It was hard to carry around reminders of the things he had done and still live a good life in spite of them all- it was hard to accept good things in life, and even harder to pick up and carry the good things that had happened in the past, too.
But he wasn’t alone anymore. He didn’t have to be alone anymore- he knew Leon faced many of the same trials and tribulations as he did. But just like his nicknamesake Sancho Panza, Luis would never leave his side as his Don Quixote, and vice versa. No matter what adventures their lives took them on, they’d always have each other.
They were completely, and utterly devoted to each other. In every way, in every universe.
“The rain is nice…”
Luis jumped slightly; not expecting Leon’s voice to break him out of his thoughts. He hadn’t even noticed that there was any rain at all- but once he noticed, he couldn’t tear his eyes off of it. The thundering against the plastic shutters and the slow, methodical drips of water dipping past the cover was enough to make Luis himself feel sleepy. But he had a Prince Charming to keep an eye on.
“I thought you fell asleep, ¿mi vida?”
“M’ tryin’ not to…”
Luis couldn’t help but chuckle; Leon’s sleepy and relaxed voice made his chest feel soft and pliable in all the best ways possible. He continued running his fingers through Leon’s hair, subconsciously pulling out his lighter from his pocket and twirling it in small circles between his fingers.
“You can fall asleep if you want to,” Luis assured, “I can wake you up when the countdown starts, if that’s what you’re worried about..”
“Don’ care about the countdown…”
Leon let out a big, long sigh and snuggled his head further into Luis’ lap, curling the blanket around himself further.
“I jus’ wan’ be with you..”
“But I’m right here?”
“Yeah, but like… I don’t wanna, like, fall asleep, an’ just leave you all by y’self on the couch here”
Luis had to physically restrain himself from sobbing and kissing Leon right then and there.
“I’ll be fine, amor,”
He instead chose to lean down and gently place a kiss on top of Leon’s messy, mop-like blonde hair, his eyelashes fluttering shut for just a moment.
“I’d rather you get some rest. You clearly need it”
“Y’ sure you don’t mind?”
“ Sin duda.”
“But what about-“
“ Leon, Sancho, love of my life,”
Luis grinned boyishly and ruffled his lovers hair,
“Get some rest, por favor. For me?”
Luis heard Leon let out a big, long, and expectedly tired sigh.
“…Ok. Thank you, dove”
“No need to thank me,”
Luis leaned down once more and kissed the side of his head once again,
“ I’ll be right here when you wake up. Te lo prometo.”
And just like that, Leon fell back asleep quicker than Luis could finish the twirl of his lighter. He clearly needed the rest.
His gentle snores, soft rising of his shoulders and the pitter-patter of rain was enough to make Luis feel totally at ease- and the distant, muffled and warm sounds of laughter from inside of the house had just about sent Luis into his own slumber himself.
Yes, Luis wondered a lot what death would look like. But he was no longer scared of it. He hoped it was like falling asleep on the couch during a house party as a child and being carried to your room by your parents to be tucked into bed.
He knew he lived a good life. He knew he had people who loved him, and that was more than enough for him.
If Luis died tomorrow, he wouldn’t mind all that much. He’d be happy with where he was, and who he loved.
He’d be happy that he chose love. He’d be happy that he chose Leon.
And he’d be happy that Leon chose him back, too.
“The countdowns starting!!”
A voice from inside- Ashley, if he had to guess- yelled out through the walls. Luis instinctively snuggled Leon in closer, his eyes fixated on the rain.
Leon didn’t wake up. But he didn’t need to.
“3!!!”
“2!!”
“1!”
“Happy New Years!!!!!”
Luis leaned down to kiss Leon on the forehead once more. He was still asleep.
“ Te amo, Leon..”
He whispered into his ear. Barely audible above the rain and the cheering from inside.
‘ I love you ’ felt like too weak of a sentence to describe just how Luis felt about Leon. It didn’t encapsulate everything that man meant to him.
But it didn’t have to. It would be enough.
Leon loved him back. He knew that. And that was enough.
They’d always be enough.
“… And Happy New Year.”