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This isn't Cyberspace. This isn't Cyberspace. This is the lair. We're home for real this time. Please let this be home.
The Shredder was using you!
Donatello couldn't hear the muffled voices of his family and friends, just a painful ringing in his ear and his own mind racing. He was struggling to find a fixed point to lock his gaze so he could focus. It seemed improbable at this point. Everything was wrong.
The lights were too bright.
The voices, too many..
Even the sensation of his own skin brushing against his leg felt wrong.
The turtle went stiff. The only movement came from the shuddered panicked breaths that would escape. Raphael was the first to take notice and break away from the rest.
"Are you ok, bro?" He asked gently as he went to place his hand on Donatello's shoulder. Raph barely made contact before he was shoved away.
"Don't touch me!"
The lair instantly fell silent. All eyes were on Donnie, wide and full of worry.
"What the shell is your problem?" Raph snapped right back. He had begun charging back towards Don's direction but was quickly yanked back by Leo. As the eldest, he was adept at handling an outburst like this.
"What's my problem? What's my problem?! Did you all just forget? They tricked us! They tricked me, AGAIN. Shredder has my plans for the cyber portal," He cried. His eyes darted around the room, searching for answers. For a plan..
Michelangelo glanced nervously at his equally concerned brothers and itched the back of his neck.
"But you didn't finish, so like..we should be fine right? No biggie," He replied.
Donatello buried his face in his hands and tried to take a long deep breath but growls of frustration kept breaking through. He began to slap the palms of his hands against his temples.
"That doesn't matter..they were watching me. They saw everything. Just because I didn't finish doesn't mean they can't figure out the rest on their own," he answered dejectedly.
Leonardo stepped closer to the frantic turtle, leaving just enough space to make him feel comfortable.
"Just take it easy, Don. We'll figure it out but first you have to calm down," he reassured.
Another yell forcefully escaped Donatello as he continued to pace. He was edging dangerously close to hyperventilating.
“You guys don't understand, it happened...AGAIN! I should’ve seen this coming..I keep trying to be more careful. I keep doing my best to think these things through and I still fail. Why?!” Donnie groaned.
This pain was all too familiar and yet it stung worse than ever. Just one sick joke after another.
"You're putting too much blame on yourself, Don. No one is expecting you to be prepared for every contingency," Leo began to explain, "Master Splinter once said no plan ever survives contact with the enemy."
Donatello balled his fists up. Master Splinter's absence was yet another thing he blamed himself for.
"Whatever," he hissed before turning away from his brothers and walking off towards his room. A pile of miscellaneous items became victim to his rage when he swiped his arm across the computer desk they were gathered near.
The tension in the air was thick. Mikey let out a small whimper and fiddled with his hands, searching for a joke to ease the tension. Nothing was funny.
Raphael must've read his mind cause he could feel his older brother's rough hand smack the back of his head.
"Nuh uh."
Meanwhile their leader stared at the ground, unsure of his next move. He glanced over at April who had begun cleaning up the mess Don left behind. Her and Casey had been silent since the argument started, unsure if they really had a place in the conversation.
He knelt down to assist her while Casey went to go exchange concerned whispers with Raph and Mikey.
"What now?" April asked as politely as she could.
"I'm not sure," Leo admitted, sadness falling across his face. He understood exactly what Donatello was feeling at this moment. He himself was also familiar with the pain of failure.
"I'll think of something, we just need to be careful. But more importantly, I need to give Donnie some space first and foremost. We won't get anywhere otherwise." He spoke gently as he restored the final items to their original home.
April bit her lip nervously and crossed her arms. "Did you want me and Casey to spend the night? I could keep an eye on things while you guys regroup," she suggested.
Leo quickly shook his head, "No don't worry. I've got things covered here. You guys deserve rest too."
A few more words were exchanged between the turtles and their human friends before parting ways.
Mikey retreated into his worn comics and Raph did the same with his punching bag.
Leonardo sat on a crate, staring silently at the entrance to Donnie's room. He rubbed his shoulder, gently tracing a scar with his fingers.
The turtle let out a deep sigh and left his post. It was time for him and Donnie to have a little chat.
Donatello was in his own meditative state when Leo arrived. He was faced away from the opening, unable to see Leo enter but still aware of his presence.
The mutant was sitting in a worn chair that was held together with nothing but hope and duct tape. He held a switch that was attached to a cord firmly in his hand, flipping it on and off repeatedly. It powered nothing, but the rhythmic sound of the click comforted him.
Leo took a few steps towards him before bending down to sit on his knees. There had to have been just an arms length of distance between him and Don.
Staring silently at Donatello he furrowed his brow. Memories flooding back from his own time he felt so detached and worthless. The days and weeks he spent brooding alone. All the wasted hours he suffered punishing himself for something he ultimately had no control over. Seeing Don like this was unbearable..
"Donatello, please..you have to understand that none of this is your fault," he begged.
The repetitive clicks of the switch died quickly.
"But it is my fault, Leo. It's always my fault. I got captured, I exposed us, I'm the reason father's not here, I'm the reason you guys-"
"The reason we what?"
"Forget it."
Donatello turned even further away from his brother, refusing to look back at him. He clenched his jaw. His heart begged for this moment to be over with.
Leo could see how tense he was but he wasn’t going to back down. He inched a little closer, determined to get his brother to speak.
"I'm never gonna understand if you don't talk to me," he stated.
Donnie felt paralyzed once again. He flexed his hands desperately. He was trying to grab hold of something that wasn't tangible. He could feel Leo's eyes resting heavily on him. How he longed for a sense of control..
He had confessed the nature of his misadventure once before but it hadn't made talking about it any easier. Don turned his head just enough so that he could see Leo in his peripheral.
"Remember when Drako ambushed us with the Time Scepter?," he began. "You'll all know the meaning of suffering beyond time and space!" He attempted to mimic the hybrid's graveled voice. A vacant chuckle followed his poor impression.
"Well he wasn't kidding, I was thrown into this bleak reality..a future where Shredder won. It was a nightmare," he sighed.
Leo raised a brow, questions burning in his throat but he refrained from speaking. Now was the time to listen.
"When I found us in that world, there was no team. No father...They were so shocked to see me, apparently I had just up and disappeared. I guess things weren't the same after that. Just death and misfortune because I was a coward that decided to run from the fight," his voice began to quiver.
"I tried to make things right. To end Shredder once and for all and in the process I doomed every single one of you. We defeated him but at what cost."
Donatello dropped his face into his hands.
"You all died because of me," he finally admitted. "All because I wasn't good enough."
Leo's harsh gaze quickly fell. He knew Donatello was strong, but was unaware of how heavy the guilt he carried had been.
"Does anyone else know?" He questioned. Donatello returned to fiddling with his switch.
"Just Raph. Mikey kept going on and on about his super heroes. Who was I to take that from him?" His breath and his voice began to shake once more. He dropped the switch and wrapped his arms around his sides. Donatello began to rock himself back and forth. His body yearned to cry but he was desperate to keep himself from falling apart. A twisted little ball of pain formed in his throat. It was a struggle to keep it down.
His older brother was still silent, searching for the right words. He wasn't looking at Donatello anymore. His gaze shifted to his own hands, one was nervously picking away at his thigh.
"Don, I'm so sorry.”
Their eyes met for a brief moment when Donatello had turned his head to see Leo.
That one look answered so many of the questions Leo had harbored for his emotionally reclusive brother. Donatello's eyes were glossy and strained. His brother was sad but more than anything he was tired.
"That future isn't written in stone. You have got to stop beating yourself up. None of these things are YOUR fault. No one is blaming you," he reassured.
"What's not clicking, Leo? I couldn't save you all then and I couldn't save Master Splinter now. As far as I'm concerned, we're halfway there. No matter what I do I'm just not good enough."
There it was. It was like looking in a mirror. The older mutant could feel his shoulder begin to ache. His eyes were still locked onto Donatello who wasn't looking at him anymore. He could hear tiny droplets of water making contact with the ground.
Leonardo took a deep breath and collected himself. Prepared to charge forward with something he hoped would help.
"I was haunted by our battle with Utrom Shredder. Maybe I still kind of am," he admitted. "I thought that when we blew up that ship it was all over for us and when we survived...I felt stuck. I blamed myself. I was faced with the reality that I couldn't protect you guys. That I had failed you all as a leader. I isolated myself with that pain for weeks."
Leonardo could see his brother shift closer but he still kept his face hidden away. The distance between them was closing little by little.
"My mind felt so clouded. I remember lashing out at you all, at Master Splinter...It was The Ancient One that helped me understand that I was punishing myself for nothing. It wasn't my fault. There was nothing else that I could do." Leonardo pulled himself closer to Donnie, they were just inches away from each other now. He could see his younger brother was still shaking, he was retreating further and further into himself. His breathing shaky, with tiny whimpers here and there.
"None of this is your fault, Donatello," the leader spoke softly. "We all see how hard you work and everyday I know you put your all into everything. We're going to get Master Splinter back, but that's not going to happen if you keep beating yourself up. You don't have to be alone in this. We're all here for you, Donnie. Let us be here for you."
"I-I'm sorry...I'm s-so sorry," Donatello choked out, his voice cracking. He fell further forward, his head buried at his knees. He could feel Leo place a hand on his shoulder.
"Can I hug you?"
He needed this. Donatello unraveled and allowed Leonardo to pull him away from the chair and into his arms. He reciprocated the embrace.
Donatello couldn't hold his emotions back any longer. Everything came barreling out like a hurricane. He screamed and sobbed, drenching Leo's shoulder. Repeating his apology albeit in broken words.
Leonardo could feel a tear or two roll gently down his cheek. He wasn't sad. He was relieved.
"I've got you, little brother. I've got you. “