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Elizabeth laid down for the first time since the night before Valentine’s Day. It seemed she could finally convince herself to go to sleep, as she had just made her mother leave the apartment and go amuse herself around Chicago for a few hours. Fortunately, Isabelle had agreed to go do some shopping and sightseeing, taking David with her. Since he had been living in San Diego until recently, Elizabeth told her that they could both learn the city together and talk about her and Mark as long as they wanted. Besides, while she didn’t say it out loud, she was sick of Isabelle trying to push her to talk or ask if she wanted something to eat or a cup of tea when she just wished she could curl up in a ball and disappear.
She had a pounding headache and was still feeling overwhelmed from last night, as she had only left the hospital about an hour or two after Lucy was pronounced dead. Mark had stayed behind to help out on what was left of the night shift, having told Kerry to go home around 5 a.m., and then had to jump right into his regular morning shift, so she didn’t even get to say goodbye to him. She understood, though. Not even Romano was acting like himself; he decided to just keep working until he couldn’t safely work on patients. No one seemed to know what to do right now; she and her colleagues were just making it up as they went along.
It was about 10:00 now. She just needed to hang on for a few more hours, and Mark would be coming over. Or maybe he’d decide to come over early, although she wasn’t counting on that at the moment. It’s not like she was going to magically feel better and forget how difficult it was to be with Lucy in her final hours. Finally, she could have time to herself to cope with losing a colleague, someone who was entirely too young to die and would never even get to experience her medical school graduation and residency.
And as much as she hated to be selfish, it sucked that hers and Mark’s first Valentine’s Day together turned into a tragedy. But that was one of the downsides of them choosing to work in trauma surgery and emergency medicine, respectively. She reminded herself that her feelings didn’t have to be rational right now, and it was OK to be upset that they didn’t get to have a sleepover after dinner and karaoke, snuggling in bed while they laughed about what terrible singers they were.
Ugh, she thought. If I don’t close my eyes now, I’m never going to get any rest. I would like to be somewhat coherent when Mark stops by
She decided not to set an alarm, hoping she’d just wake up naturally when he came in the door. Instead, she turned out her bedroom light and drew the curtains before putting on an eye mask to create an illusion of darkness. Then, her head finally hit the pillow for some much-needed rest.
Sure enough, Elizabeth finally got up from her nap when she heard the door open, and she looked over at her clock. It was almost 4:00, and now she was extremely hungry. Which wasn’t that surprising considering she’d told Isabelle not to bother making her breakfast. Maybe Mark would want to have some snacks with her so she could refuel before dinner.
“Elizabeth?” he called out. “You home?”
“In my room,” she answered wearily, slowly sitting up in bed. She immediately heard him walk toward the room, and he came in and sat down on the bed.
“There’s my Sleeping Beauty,” he said, giving her a kiss. “Sorry if you don’t feel like joking or flirting right now. I guess I still have my own poker face on.”
“It’s fine; there’s nothing wrong with a little levity. Do I want to know how your work day went? Or is that a stupid question?”
“You know, after the chaos of last night, all I had to do was reshuffle the schedule and distribute charts for Carter and Lucy’s patients for other people to catch up on and review, and it wasn’t that bad after that. Of course, it wasn’t fun; the mood is still pretty dour and no one wants to even see the Valentine’s Day decorations anymore, so I told Randi to take everything down. Even she didn’t give a lot of attitude this time. She never really went home either.”
“No other exciting trauma cases?”
“After the industrial plant accident you may remember hearing about, no. I closed us to trauma, much to Romano’s unhappiness. So, that much hasn’t changed, in case you were wondering.”
“Is he still there?”
“He was when I left. Apparently he had a couple procedures on the board; Benton said as much when I saw him heading home. I don’t think he should be operating, but that’s not my call and I don’t want to be the one to challenge him. But how are you doing?”
“I wish I could say I was better,” she replied. “I just slept for about six hours. Will probably need another six by the time I go back to bed tonight to be up for work in the morning. Fortunately, my first procedure tomorrow isn’t until 9, so I have some time. I don’t know how I am going to move forward, though. This was my first ever experience doing trauma surgery on someone I worked with on an almost daily basis. In England, security at hospitals is much tighter than this. I never expected a psychiatric patient to get a knife and attack a resident and a med student. It just wasn’t something I had to think about when I lived over there. I’m sorry. I know you’ve been through worse at work; you told me about how you were assaulted a few months before I arrived. Then again, should I really be surprised given that I’ve seen a shootout in the ER and an exploding ambulance since I’ve been here, among many other things?”
Mark nodded sympathetically. “I understand why you feel that way. I guess I’m numb to it, not just because of my own assault, but that after a while you’ve seen so much crazy stuff that you take it in and deal with your emotions as quickly as you can, and then move on because you don’t have a choice.”
“I know. And I know tomorrow will be here before I know it and I’ll have to go back to work and operate on another patient and the world will keep turning. Thankfully, Peter is covering the ER so I don’t have to worry about that, but I’m sure he doesn’t want to be at work right now either. That said, out of everyone I work with, he’s definitely the best at separating his emotions from the traumas or any other stressful case. He’s empathetic with the patients’ families when he has to be, and then he just rolls right on to the next patient.”
“I went to medical school with him. He’s always been that way. He has the right personality to be a surgeon, that’s for sure.”
Elizabeth sighed and rested her head on the back of the bed, urging Mark to join her.
“It’s so hard to swallow,” she said. “I can’t believe I didn’t even have the guts to get on the phone and tell Lucy’s mother that she didn’t make it. I had to let Romano handle it. He’s another one who—most of the time, anyway—can keep work and his feelings separate. I don’t think he wanted to do it either, but he did because he knew I wasn’t in the best of shape. He said no matter what, it’s our job to deliver the news to a patient’s family and we can’t be the ones breaking down and crying when we talk to them. He told me it was better to do it now and to not make her travel all the way to Chicago only for us to tell her that Lucy was dead when she thought she’d be getting to see her daughter. He also said he thought she should hear the news from the highest-ranking doctor in the hospital. Do you think he said that to put down my judgment or suggest I can’t handle breaking bad news?”
“No. I think he was seeing it differently. This is a high-profile story, and it’s not as if Lucy’s death was from some run-of-the-mill car accident or even a gunshot wound. This was a patient in her workplace. Of course it’s going to hit home and Romano will feel this is a part of PR rather than another day of work.”
“Makes sense. God, I thought she was going to pull through.”
“I thought so too,” Mark told her. “The early news out of surgery seemed cautiously optimistic. It didn’t last long, though. But you did the right thing. You stayed with your patient and made sure she knew all the outcomes and what to expect. I’m sure Lucy was grateful for everything you did for her.”
“When I first knew it could be PE, I hated having to tell her. We took her to CT, and while I was waiting for her to have the scan, I was praying I could be wrong. After all, I only told her it was a possibility. Maybe it was something else, although I knew better than to ignore the worst-case scenario. And I know those are almost always fatal. I had a patient in England with one, and he ended up coding before I even got to the consult.
“When I saw her PE on the computer, my heart sank. I knew she wasn’t going to have much of a chance, but we had to do everything possible, and I had a feeling she’d want us to. She never objected, except about not wanting the Versed for the angiogram. She wanted to be awake. If I were on the table, I’d never want to be awake for something like that. I would just take the anesthesia so I wouldn’t have any memory of it when I woke up.”
“Can’t say I’d like the idea of that either,” Mark said, and he sighed and shook his head. “Maybe she just wanted to know what was going on and feel like she still had some control of the situation. But we’ll never know for sure.”
“I don’t know how I’m supposed to go back to work tomorrow,” Elizabeth said. She rubbed her eyes and tried not to cry, but she was getting choked up. “I know I have to. We all can’t call off and let the patients treat themselves, but there has to be something I can do to take care of myself. Or maybe you have a suggestion for me, because here I am droning on about my feelings and I’m sure you’re tired and want to vent to me too. That’s part of a relationship after all.”
“Believe me, I tried to think of something to be angry about, but where or who am I going to direct it to? At Carter, who’s also recovering from stab wounds and major blood loss, not to mention a massive operation? He’ll have enough survivor’s guilt; he doesn’t need me or anyone to go pile it on. I guess if I had to be pissed at something, it’s that everyone was having a loud party and didn’t hear Carter and Lucy screaming or didn’t see Paul grab the knife. We should have been more alert. Or psychiatry not coming down in time to admit Paul and put him on a hold. Carol said the party is what gets her the most even though she stayed around for some of it. She said she wouldn’t be surprised if Kerry outlaws parties after this, or at least gets a lot stricter about when and where they’re held or who can go and under what circumstances. And forget having the radio playing anymore either.”
"I wouldn’t blame her. Do you think she’ll be able to get back to work?”
Mark couldn’t help but laugh a little. “This is Kerry Weaver we’re talking about. She’ll be back in no time. She’s on the night shift this week anyway, and I didn’t hear any indication that she wouldn’t be right back at it tonight. Whether she wants to or not, I can’t say.
“Look, the best thing you can do right now is try to leave work at work. That’s what I told myself I was going to do when I put my lab coat back in my locker before I left. I told Carol that my shift was over and now I wanted to come visit Elizabeth and see how she’s doing, and we would try to have dinner before you went to bed. Carol said she’s going to focus on Tess and Kate now more than ever. She told me being a single parent almost seems easy now in comparison when you think about Lucy’s mother or what Carter’s going to have to go through.”
“Maybe we could have some milkshakes in the next week or two if she can get a sitter.” Elizabeth suggested. It was the most lighthearted thought she had had since she got home. Hers and Mark’s milkshake dates with Carol had become somewhat of a tradition, which started when Carol first found out she was pregnant and was struggling with her decision to tell Doug not to come back to Chicago. They had so much fun that night that they now did it for birthdays, around major holidays, or even just because.
“Ah, food and drinks always help. I know Dad was grateful for all his neighbors who dropped off meals and snacks after Mom died. But yeah, when some of this initial sting and media coverage goes away, I think we could all use a milkshake if Carol can get a babysitter. Or we’ll just let her know it’s fine to bring the twins along.”
“It’s something to look forward to.” Elizabeth reaffirmed her idea and gave him a smile.
She slowly stood up, finally feeling ready to climb out of bed and have something substantial to eat, and then looked over her shoulder at Mark.
“Hey,” he said. “One more thing.”
“What?”
“It’s in the living room.”
They walked out of the bedroom, and when Elizabeth came into her living room, she noticed a bouquet of roses on the coffee table, still in their wrapper.
“I’m sorry I didn’t give you flowers last night,” he told her. “And they probably don’t mean the same thing to you now after all the chaos and trauma. But like I said, I wanted to focus on you, and besides…I got them for half the price and didn’t have to wait in line today.”
“Oh stop!” she exclaimed, playfully slapping him. She looked down at the bouquet and smiled. If anything comforted her right now, it was the fact that even if Mark was angry about what transpired at the hospital, he was still trying to put her first and do something romantic to make her feel better.
“I know, you said you didn’t really care about flowers and chocolates,” he added. “But I didn’t want to not do something. It’s also an apology in a way, even though there’s no need for either of us to apologize to each other. I’m just sorry our first Valentine’s Day didn’t end on the note you were hoping for. I hope this helps.”
“They brighten the room at a time where we need hope and bright spots,” she replied. “Let me get a vase for these. It’ll give me something else to do besides lie in bed or sit around and stare at the walls.”
Once she’d put the roses in the vase, she leaned into Mark, and he embraced her. They stayed close for a very long minute, but she didn’t mind. She needed to feel comforted and loved.
“It’ll be OK,” he reassured her. “I know it doesn’t feel like it right now, but we’re going to get through this. At work and at home. And I’m going to make dinner too. I hope you don’t mind something simple. I was just thinking that we had a big meal last night, so I was going to do burgers. Does that work?”
“At this point, I’m so hungry you could tell me you were getting chicken nuggets from McDonald’s and I’d fall at your feet in happiness.”
“That’s always an option too.”
“The burgers are fine,” she said with a sigh and a laugh. “I’m going to jump in the shower in the meantime, and then I’ll come back and join you before you start cooking.”
Elizabeth may have been ready to eat, but she was also in desperate need of the decompression that a hot shower could bring. As the water fell on her hair and then down her body, she hoped that her grief and the atmosphere of Lucy’s OR—the sense of urgency and anguish, the endless pools of blood in her chest and abdomen, and her blue lips and pale face—that seemed to be endlessly clinging to her would be washed away. Somehow, she didn’t think that would happen right now.
Fortunately, if she could think positive even just a little bit, Mark was there to help her heal. That was the only thing that made her believe that for now, she could still cling to something in the midst of senseless tragedy.