Chapter Text
Things were getting worse for Sanji after his mutations kicked in.
The mutations progressed quickly, making the loss of his emotions seem inevitable. Wounds that used to take weeks to heal now disappear in a matter of minutes. To track these changes, Sanji made a habit of sitting at the kitchen table and cutting himself with a knife he had found laying out on the deck.
He honestly hated hurting himself, especially in his cherished kitchen (it made him nauseous), but he clung to that feeling, seeing it as proof that he still was capable of feeling such strong emotions.
Was it healthy? Absolutely not… but it got the job done.
He did a good job keeping it secret. That was, of course, until someone suddenly grabbed the knife out of his hand. “What the fuck, cook!?”
He whipped his head around. “Give that back!”
Zoro stared at the cook’s wrists before taking a shakey breath. He opened his mouth to call for Chopper but was stopped by a kick to his gut.
“The fuck do you want?” Sanji spat.
“What the fuck are you doing?”
Sanji turned his back to him and scoffed.
“Seriously,” Zoro stormed back over and grabbed Sanji’s wrist to turn him around. “What the fuck is wrong with you!?”
Sanji yelped and yanked his arm back. “Nothing’s wrong with me!”
“I thought you were better than this, Curly.” He clenched his fist.
Sanji didn’t say anything.
Zoro’s gaze sent shivers down Sanji’s spine. “You’ve been acting weird lately.”
The cook felt like the wind got knocked out of him. “I have?”
“You idiot.”
His breathing began to shallow. “If you’re going to mock me, you can leave.”
“I’m not fucking mocking you!” He shoved Sanji.
“You called me an idiot,” his voice cracked.
“I always call you an idiot! Idiot!”
The fire returned to Sanji’s eyes. “You don’t get it!”
“There’s nothing to get!” Zoro shoved him again, his eyes betraying his worry. “I can’t think of a single reason that would make doing this make sense!”
“It’s too complicated for an idiot like you.”
“Then make it simple.”
Sanji faltered, “I’m going to lose my emotions, become a mindless soldier meant only to follow orders. I won’t be myself.”
“That’s why you want me to kill you?”
Sanji nodded.
“So what? You gonna cut yourself to make sure you can feel or some shit like that!?” he scoffed.
“Stop mocking me.”
“I’m not mocking you.” He took a deep breath. “But anyone on this crew could look at you and know that you’re gone. So why the hell wouldn’t you just ask us instead of mutilating yourself!?”
“How could I?” He turned around, gathering ingredients for lunch. “Everyone just wants to forget everything that’s happened.”
“No. You want to forget everything that’s happened.” Zoro grabbed Sanji's shoulders to make him face him. “Everyone else wants to help you.”
“I don’t need your help!”
“Clearly you do if you’re fucking hacking away at your own arms.”
“JUST FUCK OFF. IT DOESN'T MATTER!” He pushed Zoro.
“What if you go too deep!? How the hell do you think you’ll keep cooking, huh!? HOW DOES THAT NOT MATTER!?” His voice cracked pitifully.
“I could cut down to my goddamn bones and in an hour it’d be fine. DO YOU KNOW HOW BADLY I WISH I COULD CAUSE DAMAGE!?” Sanji yelled, tears threatening to spill.
Zoro grimaced, “There’s something seriously fucked up in your head.”
“YOU DON'T GET IT! NONE OF YOU WILL EVER GET IT. BECAUSE YOU'RE HUMAN!”
“DON'T GIVE ME THAT CRAP.” Zoro jolted him. “There’s like four humans on the crew. NOBODY CARES THAT YOU'RE NOT HUMAN.”
“THEM NOT BEING HUMAN DOES NOT PUT ANYONE AT RISK! THEY CAN STILL FEEL AND LOVE!”
“AND SO CAN YOU!”
Sanji went quiet, “And what about when I can’t?”
Zoro steeled himself, “Then I kill you.”
“So what… I’m just supposed to ignore my worst fears coming true and hope you take care of it?” He grumbled.
“No. But you don’t get to keep this shit to yourself.”
Sanji’s eyebrow twitched. “GOD. CAN’T YOU JUST KEEP YOUR OPINIONS TO YOURSELF!? ITS MY LIFE!”
Any kindness in Zoro's face was replaced with utter frustration. “A LIFE WHERE YOU ARE CUTTING DOWN TO YOUR BONES IS NOT A LIFE YOU SHOULD BE CONTENT WITH!”
“What.”
The two of them turned around to find Chopper standing in the doorway.
A few seconds later, Luffy poked his head in. “What’s going on?” His eyes landed on Sanji’s arm, which had already begun to heal. “… Sanji's hurt?”
“Sanji's hurt?” Nami walked in, her brow furrowed. She looked at him for a moment before catching a glimpse of Sanji's wrists. She paled and clamped her hand over her mouth. “Sanji-kun,” her voice cracked, “What did you do?”
“It’s not what it looks like!” He blurted out, waving his hands around.
“It’s exactly what it looks like,” Zoro grumbled.
She rushed over to him, her hands soft and comforting as she held his wrist. “Sanji-kun. What did you do?”
“Bastard thinks he can solve all of his problems by cutting himself.”
“I don’t remember asking you, Zoro.” She was entirely unimpressed with him. “And didn’t you try to cut off your legs at Little Garden?”
“Yeah and didn’t you sta-” he cut himself off after receiving a look that struck genuine fear into his soul.
She carefully led Sanji to a chair. “You can’t be doing this.” She stood behind him and ran her fingers through his hair. “We love you, Sanji-kun.”
“While we’re on the topic, he’s suicidal too.” Zoro grumbled.
“Did I ask you to spe-” her hands stilled. “What did you say?”
“That our cook’s suicidal.”
Sanji clenched his jaw, “I’m not.”
“You asked me to kill you!”
“I’d prefer if you didn’t have to but that’s out of my control!”
“No it’s not you piece of shit.”
Sanji shot out of his chair and stormed over to the swordsman. “DON'T YOU THINK I WANT TO STAY WITH YOU GUYS FOREVER!? I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE YOU BUT THAT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN! AND WHEN MY MIND IS GONE I NEED YOU TO KILL ME!”
His hand gripped the hilt of his sword. “THEN I'LL KILL YOU RIGHT NOW ‘CAUSE CLEARLY YOU'VE LOST IT!”
Nami pulled them apart. “WOULD YOU TWO QUIT IT!?”
She tenderly took Sanji's hand in hers. Sanji stared at his wrist before screwing his eyes shut. Just a few minutes ago, his cuts were sickeningly deep, but now they had healed to a light pink scar. He shakily reached for a cigarette. “Can I… can I have a moment alone?”
“No!”
“Please,” his voice cracked.
“I’ll stay with Sanji.” Luffy stepped closer. “Everyone else, leave. Sanji will explain, but he needs time.”
Sanji shrunk in on himself, taking a drag from his cigarette.
Luffy walked right towards him and pulled him into his arms. “Nobody is mad at Sanji. Mmmm… except maybe Sanji.” Luffy laughed softly as his hands found their way to the back of Sanji’s head, one resting on his neck and the other playing with his hair.
Sanji wrapped his arms around Luffy's waist. “I’m fine.”
Luffy placed his hat on Sanji’s head. “Sanji doesn’t have to be fine, but he has to tell me what’s wrong. Otherwise I can’t fix it.”
“You can’t fix it,” Sanji whispered. “And you won’t understand.”
Luffy hummed, “Maybe not all of it. But I’ll find a way to fix it. Shishishi.” He grinned.
“There is no solution,” Sanji choked out.
“You just haven’t thought of one,” he said matter-of-factly.
“Luffy,” his voice cracked. “I need you to listen to me. One day, I will lose my emotions and become like my brothers.”
His hands stilled, “… That’s not a funny joke.”
“I’m not joking, Luffy.”
“It’s not funny,” he clenched his fist, accidentally tugging on Sanji’s hair.
“We can’t-” Sanji began finding his confidence. “We can't do anything. I’ll become like my brothers and it’s already starting.”
“That’s not true!” Luffy was beginning to raise his voice.
“I wouldn’t lie about this. Luffy, please don’t do this right now,” he begged.
“But… what am I supposed to do?” Luffy’s voice cracked as he stepped back to look at his cook.
“You’ll find another cook.”
“No! ” Luffy cried. “I don’t want another cook. I want Sanji! ”
“Luffy.” Sanji's eyes filled with tears. “Don’t do this to me.”
“I need you.” Luffy shook his head rapidly. “Sanji won’t be like that. That’s his brothers, not Sanji. ”
“We’re the same.”
“NO!” Luffy clenched his fists. “You would never do what they did. Not now and not ever.”
Sanji sighed, “Just promise me you’ll find another cook.”
“No. I won’t need one.” He sounded so sure of himself that Sanji almost let himself believe it.
He shook away any feelings of hope, panic beginning to seep its way back into his mind. “I’ll make someone else promise!” He stood up to go talk to the rest of the crew.
“No!” Luffy yelped and clung to Sanji’s leg, crying like a toddler.
Sanji moved his leg, trying to shake his captain off of him. “Don’t be selfish! You’re not the one dying right now! And if you don’t get another cook you’ll barely last a week! No one else on this crew could cook enough to keep up with your appetite!”
Luffy dug his nails into Sanji’s thighs.
“Dammit, Luffy.” He made his way to the door and flung it open. Unsurprisingly, most of the crew was waiting outside.
“Sanji-San,” Brook looked at him with concern, “are you alright?”
Sanji looked around frantically. “I need you to promise me that no matter what this idiot says,” he lifted his leg to show his captain clinging to it, “you will get a new cook if something happens to me.”
“Sanji, nothing’s going to happen to you-“ Nami started walking towards him.
“Shut up.” He snapped.
Everyone went silent and Zoro’s hand found its way to the hilt of his blade.
“Excuse me!?”
“Mellorine,” Sanji's hands trembled.
“You better have a damn good reason for yelling at me,” her voice cracked.
“I don’t have a good reason. But I need you to listen to me. If something happens to me, swear you’ll find a new cook!” When no immediate promises were made, he began to truly panic. “Tell me you’ll find a new cook! Promise you’ll go against Luffy's wishes because he NEEDS someone to be cooking constantly! Robin? Jimbei? Someone PLEASE promise me.” He fell to his knees. Luffy scrambled out from underneath him and ran to sit at Zoro's feet.
Nami stepped forward again, nodding while blinking back tears. “Sanji-kun. I’ll make sure Luffy gets fed enough. And if that means bringing in a new cook, I'll make sure that happens.” She crouched down next to him. “But can you tell me what’s going on?”
“Promise?” He looked up at her.
“I promise.”
He bowed his head and snuffed out his cigarette. “I’m sorry for yelling at you.”
“Sanji, don’t worry about us so much.” She laughed through her tears. “I’m pretty sure we need to be worrying more about you.”
He pressed his palms to his eyes and laughed.
“Seems counterproductive to worry about the dying man.”
Her smile fell. “You’re dying?”
“Surprise?”
“You-you’re dying?” Her eyes were wide. “Chopper!? Is he-“
Chopper ran up to Sanji and stood on his lap.
“But Sanji… you’re healthy. Your body wouldn’t allow for you to be sick or injured enough to die! Your cuts healed in minutes!”
“I know.” Sanji sat all the way down so Chopper could balance easier. “Do you remember my brothers?” He sighed.
Chopper nodded.
“You have brothers?” Zoro asked.
“Three of them.”
Zoro scoffed, “Lemme guess. Ichiji, Niji and Yonji.”
“Yeah, actually.” Sanji laughed at the dumber-than-usual look on the swordsman's face before taking a deep breath. “The four of us were created with advanced bodies and healing, as you know. But… we were also designed to be emotionless… the perfect weapons.”
“No offense, Sanji-san, but you are quite emotional.”
“Thanks, Brook,” Sanji laughed. “But I didn’t always have these body enhancements either. At least, not at the level they are now. When my mother was pregnant, she poisoned herself, hoping to counteract the modifications my father had made. I was the only one it truly worked on.” Sanji closed his eyes. “But everyday I become more and more like my brothers. It’s only a matter of time ‘til my emotions are fully gone.”
“But Sanji, your sister seemed very kind, and she had those advancements as well.”
“She wasn't designed to be emotionless,” he sighed, “Think of her as a prototype.”
Chopper looked up at him, his eyes clouded with tears. “Why would that kill you?”
Sanji cupped Chopper's cheek. “I made someone promise to kill me once it happens.”
Everyone started to argue, but Zoro told them to shut up and listen.
Sanji offered all of them a weak smile, trying to put on a brave face. “I appreciate your concern, but if you keep me alive I will never forgive you.” He glanced at Zoro, who gave him a quick nod.
“Sanji-kun,” Nami was fully crying now. “Please.”
He just shook his head. “I’m sorry, mellorine, but I think you underestimate the severity of the changes this will make to me. I’ll lose my passion for cooking and have no care for anyone, even you. My mother sacrificed herself to give me a chance at life… and it’s been a good life.” He gestured at all of them. “But it’d be a disservice if I allowed myself to continue living once that happens.”
“Sanji,” Chopper whined. “Why didn’t you tell me? Maybe I could find a cure.”
Sanji withdrew his hand and shook his head. “No. No. I spent enough of my life being experimented on.”
“If you just let me take a blood sample, that’s all I’d need. Please! Maybe I could find a way to prevent the mutation or at least slow it down.”
“Chopper’s right.” Luffy was finally regaining his composure. “If we can save you, we have to try everything.”
“And it wouldn’t take more than a few blood samples at most. Please.” Chopper clung to Sanji's shirt.
Robin sprouted a hand to cup Sanji’s cheek. “If there's even the slimmest chance you could be saved, you must take it.”
Sanji thought for a minute, leaning against her hand. “Okay. But don’t get your hopes up… I don’t want to disappoint you all again.”
Chopper sniffled, “C-can we go now?”
“Sure… just a blood test?”
Chopper nodded. “That’s all I need. In the future, I may end up needing another sample.”
Sanji picked Chopper up and placed him on the ground before standing up himself. Chopper reached up to hold Sanji’s hand.
“I’m not gonna run away.” Sanji held the little doctor’s hand anyway.
Chopper smiled up at him, “I know.”
Sanji couldn’t help but smile a bit. “Oh, okay.”
Before they could walk off, Nami stopped them. She took a deep breath and wrapped her arms around Sanji’s neck, holding him like he could slip away at any moment. “Take care of yourself.”
He wrapped his free arm around her. “I will, mellorine. Thank you for caring about me.”
She pulled away, tears pouring down her face.
He gently wiped her tears away. “Don’t worry, dear. I’ve accepted it.”
“That doesn’t make me feel better,” she choked out, giving him one more hug before Chopper led him to the infirmary.
Sanji shakily took a seat while Chopper opened his drawer to grab his supplies. The doctor hopped up on his stool to tie the tourniquet around Sanji's bicep. “It’ll be quick. Don’t worry, Sanji.”
Sanji offered him a small smile, trying not to seem too nervous.
Chopper wiped down Sanji's inner elbow and then went to insert the needle. However, right as the needle touched Sanji's skin, it snapped.
Chopper stared at the broken needle for a moment before bursting into tears.
Sanji's breath caught in his throat, but seeing the little doctor fall to pieces in front of him took priority over his own fears. He swiftly picked Chopper up and held him to his chest. “It’s okay, Chopper.”
Chopper clung to Sanji's shirt. “I just… just- I- want… want to f-fix it.”
“I know you do.” He rubbed the boy’s back. “But Chopper, I need you to understand. I don’t think it’s possible. And if you can’t find a way, it’s not your fault.”
Chopper only started sobbing louder. “I want… I want to know for sure. Because … I don’t know what to do. I’m sorry.”
“Hey, if anyone needs to apologize, it’s Judge.” He continued to rub the boy’s back. “Not you.”
The two of them held each other for a moment before Sanji broke the silence, “Hey, Chopper? I have an idea.”
The young doctor sniffled, “Hm?”
“Why don’t you make an incision in my arm and collect the blood like that?”
Chopper looked up at Sanji. “Are you sure?”
Sanji nodded. “I don’t want to leave you guys with any ‘what-ifs,’ you know?”
Chopper sniffled and asked again, “Are you sure?”
Sanji nodded. “Positive.”
Chopper nodded in return. “Do you want me to try calculating a dose for anesthesia?”
“No offense, but I kind of want to get this over with.”
Chopper nodded and grabbed a scalpel, a fresh needle, and a bottle from his desk. “I’ll coat everything with an anticoagulant, so hopefully once it’s inserted I can get a big enough sample for my tests.” He gathered his supplies and told Sanji to lay down, asking him to take deep breaths as he did so.
Sanji did as he was instructed. “You’re gonna have to cut hard. Don’t hold back.”
Chopper bit his lip and resanitized Sanji’s arm. As much as the cook knew it was a useless precaution (one his father’s medics would not have taken), he appreciated the normalcy of it.
“Okay, I’m going to make the incision to insert the needle now.”
Sanji closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He dug his nails into his palms, trying to hide any evidence of discomfort. He didn’t want to worry Chopper. Well… he didn’t want to worry him more, it was a bit late to avoid worry all together. After everything Chopper had seen earlier, the kid didn’t deserve to see him like that now. Then Sanji was rude enough to to originally deny letting Chopper help him and now-
“-anji? Sanji?”
“Hm?” Sanji lazily tilted his head to look at Chopper.
The little doctor's eyes were wide. “Are you alright? Did that hurt too much?”
“Oh. I’m fine, Chopper. Just thinking. Is it almost done?”
He furrowed his brow, “I already finished.”
Sanji looked at the bandage on his arm and smiled. “I don’t need that.”
“Just because you heal fast doesn’t mean I should neglect your wounds while you have them.”
Once again, tears pricked at the corners of his eyes. “Thank you.”
“No problem!” Chopper hopped off his stool to grab a cookie for Sanji. He then got a smiley face sticker and stuck it on Sanji’s shirt. “Feel free to stay if you want to rest. I’ll be starting my research.”
“I’ll stay for a minute, I’m a bit dizzy.”
Chopper grabbed an apple juice from his mini-fridge. “Drink this,” he paused for a moment. “While you’re here, can I ask you something?”
He sighed and took a sip of his juice, “Go ahead.”
“Why do you cut yourself?”
“Because I hate doing it. And it’s a good way to keep track of the healing mutations advancing too.”
“I don’t think I’d call that a ‘good way’ to keep track of anything.” Chopper sassily put his hands on his hips.
Sanji laughed. “Maybe not.”