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Cassandra is studying in silence. Or at least she was until a servant of the Briarwoods comes barging in to the library. She tries to ignore the girl at first, but she's cleaning something and makes way too much noise while doing it.
“Do you have to clean that now?” Snaps Cassandra, she turns to face the girl who turns out to be stumbling on a ladder. She's trying to clean something on the top shelves of a bookcase but has a hard time reaching it.
“Lady Cassandra! I'm so so sorry,” she says and almost jumps of the ladder, “Lady Briarwood told me to clean the top shelves right this moment.” She looks miserable and Cassandra regrets snapping at her. She gets up and walks over to the servant girl. She isn't surprised lady Briarwood (Cassandra spits out the name in her mind) would sent someone so she wouldn't be left alone in peace. The poor girl was just a tool in this.
“I'm sorry,” she tels the girl, “I shouldn't have yelled at you.” The girl keeps looking down, as if she's scared what Cassandra is going to do. Cassandra wants to vomit. The Briarwoods inspired that fear in people simply to entertain themselves.
“You don't have to call me 'lady',” tries Cassandra (she wasn't really a lady anymore anyway), “just Cassandra is fine. What's your name?”
“It's Valerie, lady... sorry, Cassandra,” she says. Cassandra smiles. Well, she tries to, it's still difficult to show kindness to the Briarwood's servants, even though they are just (well almost) as much victims of them as she is.
“Here let me help you with that,” Cassandra offers, she doesn't feel like studying anyway.
“I... You shouldn't...” stammers Valerie, but Cassandra stops her.
“I'm taller than you are, we can clean this together.”
~
For a few weeks now Cassandra has been spending time with Valerie. For a while she was worried Valerie was spying for the Briarwoods, but then again, in this castle it was impossible to hide from their ears anyway. Besides, Cassandra enjoys spending time with someone of her own age. A girl of her own age. She hadn't realized how much she missed that.
When she was spending time with Valerie she was almost enjoying herself and that in itself was a small rebellion against the Briarwoods. Not the kind of rebellion Cassandra wanted, but it was a rebellion anyway. Still she was careful with the things she told Valerie.
Valerie loved books, mostly poetry, Cassandra loved sharing her favorites. They would sit in the library, leaning in next to each other, bowed over the same book. Sometimes, Cassandra read out loud for Valerie. When she did, Valerie would look at her in a way Cassandra hadn't thought girls could look at each other. It made Cassandra feel... excited.
Sometimes they read in silence. Cassandra would find herself more and more staring at Valerie than at the pages of her book. She eventually realized what it meant. As soon as she did she told Valerie they shouldn't spend so much time together anymore. It wasn't safe, the Briarwoods might discover them. Still ever since she discovered this part of herself, she felt more alive than ever.
Cassandra wasn't exactly in love with Valerie. She liked her, but it wasn't love. Cassandra was careful not to love as long as she was within the reach of the Briarwoods. But that wasn't what it was about. Valerie made Cassandra realize that she could feel things for girls she never felt for boys. Things she knew now she would never feel for boys. Sometimes as she lied awake at night, she thought of it. It filled her with happiness. Even here, under the roof where her family died and their murderers now lived, Cassandra could feel happy. For a moment at least. She had figured out this part of herself, something she had always sort of known and that something, somehow gave her some control over her life back. Her mother had known it too...
“Cassandra dear, it wouldn't surprise me if you brought home a girl someday.” The memory stabs Cassandra in her chest. She wants so bad to talk to her mother again, to tell her about this thing she learned about herself. She wants to tell her how girls make her feel and she wants her mother to hug her and be happy for her.
Cassandra thinks about her father and her siblings too, none of them would ever get to know this part of her. They're all death. Except, maybe... She didn't dare hope Percy still lived. She thinks about him a lot these days. He left her. She was angry about that, but deep down she was happy too. Happy he got away from this hell.
“Percy,” she whispers one night against her pillow, “I want to tell you something about me.” Of course there was no response. He wasn't here. He was probably dead. As dead as the rest of her family. But she just had to tell... Someone... Percy was the only family she might still have. Was it selfish that that she wants to talk to him, just to tell him about this thing she learned about herself?
“I like girls Percy...” Cassandra whispers to her pillow. She starts crying and she isn't sure why. She clutches the pillow to her chest and her tears sink in to the fabric.
“I wish I could tell you that,” she sobs, “that you were here and... fuck... I miss you so much Percy.”
“Please be alive.”