Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Their body is static, limbs numbed by pinpricks of solar flares under their flesh.

But they have hands and that’s more than they had a moment ago. The heated ache in their chest just proves their still here, their body sore and warm despite the wind. They haven’t faded away into nothing, they haven’t become Siffrin, they haven’t lost the star that fuels them and their wish.

They smell something sweet, sugar burns in their throat.

Loop opens their eyes to find the sky, bright and cloudless as they lay in the soft grass.

They’re in the field.

They would laugh if they weren’t already rolling to their side and gagging, choking on nothing but the phantom smell of wish craft. Their stomach cramps, their body burns, the breeze tending chills across their heated skin if it could even be called that. Their hands are dark, marred by the blinding night and the star they gave up everything for like a coward.

There should be clouds. What a stupid detail that is to have crushed both dread and hope for their friends. It’s sunny! Yay! The time loop is still over and your loved ones have still moved on with the better version of you! Yippee!

They bite their lip so hard they taste blood, the copper that drowns out sweetness startles them so much they manage to sit up despite how their head swims with the sudden movement.

Blood.

They take a deep breath, in and out.

They have lips to bleed and teeth to bite.

They focus on that, their tongue brushing against the throbbing wound. The taste makes them nauseous but the dull pain is a bit grounding, enough to slow them down and think. Focus.

Hair dangles in front of their eye, bright and mocking but undeniably there and human.

They actually look at their body, their limbs fade into a mimicry of the night sky but the further up it becomes pale skin once more. Skin! It could be called that, haha! They can’t really tell if their sense of touch is off or not, their hands ache and tremble but it feels like skin despite the slight numbness.

Loop tilts their head back, looking up at the sky to avoid seeing their chest. They can still feel the star that’s replaced their heart, they don’t need to see it.

They’re just the cosmic joke of the universe, aren’t they?

They finally find it in themself to laugh. They really want to cry.

Poor Loop! They lost everything! They weren’t strong enough! They weren’t cruel enough! They don’t even get to be mostly not a star with some blinding clothes on! Embarrassing!

They breathe in and out.

A silver coin glints in the glass next to them, a reminder.

They’re here and Siffrin is… Somewhere, not close but not far enough they couldn’t catch up in a day or two but it’s hard to tell exactly. There’s still a connection, power that links them, frayed somewhat and not as easily used but they think if they tried they could speak to him.

They don’t though.

Not yet. It feels several layers of gross to admit that maybe they need the help but they can’t do it yet, not after what they almost did, not when a bitter part of them still somewhat regrets not being able to do it.

Loop needs time to start again. Hilarious.

They need a better name, they realize.

Loop was helpful, a good role to step into, a protective shield against what they were but they think maybe Loop deserves some rest too.

Siffrin feels like pushing down on a bruise, a sore spot they think they should leave alone even if it’s tempting. It’s not theirs anymore, it can’t be.

That doesn’t leave much left for the Traveler, unfortunately. No middle name, no last name, and now no first name.

That’s the goal then, the thing to keep them going for now.

When they next meet their friends, they’ll introduce themself as someone new, better, and changed.

Chapter Text

A hat rests on the Traveler’s head, wide-brimmed and familiar and not theirs but abandoned.

It hadn’t even been that far from the field, caught in a tree branch just waiting for the Traveler to take it. Its stitching is strong, the fabric crafted to endure, only a little scuffed with debris but still as bright as ever.

Finders keepers.

It’s been a few weeks, the Traveler has new clothes. High boots and gloves to smother the glow of the stars that scar them, a cloak that only covers one of their shoulders in a darker shade but lighter fabric. They miss their cloak, they couldn’t bear to be without the extra weight but they have to worry about silly things like overheating now, unfortunate.

Getting used to a body not made of wish craft again wasn’t too difficult but they did realize about a day or so after stealing their new clothing from a few different stores that maybe they haven’t quite caught up mentally. They barely considered the fact that what they were doing was illegal and that these high-quality clothing probably had a lot of time and effort put into making them. They hope the clothing won’t be too missed, their simpler style was actively hard to find amongst the regular Vaugarde fashion so they figure it’s probably fine.

The Traveler doubts they were ever above petty theft before but they think they should feel at least a little guilty about possibly damaging someone's livelihood. It might be good to attempt seeing people as people again instead of background props before they do something that actually hurts someone.

This is why upon a last-second decision to climb up a small mountain, they don’t immediately walk past the woman they encounter along the path. They’re not entirely sure why someone would be climbing a mountain when the sun would set in an hour or so but considering that they were doing just that maybe they shouldn’t judge.

The Traveler trails a bit behind her, feeling a little awkward. Should they say something? They did that before, didn’t they? Talk to people, smile easily as they greet strangers.

Do they still know how to do that?

Thankfully the stranger decides for him, pausing on her walk to look at something in the treeline only to catch sight of them. She startles, hand to her chest as the Traveler equally jumps in surprise at her sudden response.

They forgot to make noise while walking.

“Crab, you startled me.” She laughs it off, mercifully. “How long have you been there?”

“A- A minute or so?” The Traveler winces slightly at the sound of their own voice, have they talked to anyone this week? Why would they? They don’t even really want to talk now.

There’s a bit of an awkward silence, the stranger unsure of the Traveler. Should they just keep walking? Something makes them stay, maybe it’s her dark hair and intelligent eyes, though she doesn’t seem all that much older than they are.

“What has you heading up the mountain this late?” She finally asks, putting on a smile that looks real enough that they could be jealous.

Why are they climbing the mountain? Were they planning to just walk to the top in the dark? To do what?

To scream. Is the first thought that comes to them. To get as close to the stars as they can and curse the universe. To look down over the mountain and trees and try to imagine lightless shimmering sands and beg for any sort of solace.

The woman hums, it seems like they took too long to answer and the flash of concern in her dark eyes makes them feel sick. What do they look like to her to deserve that sort of pity?

“Why don’t walk together?” She phrases in a way that makes the Traveler doubt she’d leave them alone. “I could use some extra hands to pick berries.”

“Of course, sunset berry picking.” They say a little more judgemental than they intend. “Great timing.”

She laughs and gestures with a small basket, the Traveler follows the direction to spot what probably made her finally stop and turn enough to notice them. Sure enough, a small bush filled with dark berries hides in the brush.

“I enjoy foraging what I can.” She explains, patient despite the sass from a stranger. “But it’s an anniversary today, my wife and I used to hunt berries and have a picnic while the sun went down.”

The Traveler nods as The Forager speaks, knowing that’s something they should probably sympathize with. They can guess something happened for her to be climbing alone, it seems like she’s made her own assumptions about them climbing alone too.

“What’s your name?” She asks the dreaded question as she kneels to pick berries.

Loop is tired.

Siffrin is sore.

“Ode.” They say, crouching down beside the Forager with curiosity. “How do you tell edible from poisonous?”

It’s almost nice. The Forager talks as they walk, pausing to look at plants. The Traveler isn’t quite sure how well they’ll retain the information she bestows upon them but they suppose that’s not the point of this, the point is that they listen to her. The point is that when they accidentally tune her out, they ask her to repeat herself and she does so with far more patience than they deserve. The point is when she stops to pick a flower, the Traveler stops with her and asks.

“They were my wife's favorite.” The Forager picks one of the bloomed flowers, retrieving a thick book from the basket, laying the petals gently between cloth padded papers, and pressing it shut. “I’m glad they grew this year, I was worried they wouldn’t get the chance to.”

They think they know what she’s doing, a vague memory of the Researcher accepting a bright flower, surprised to receive such a gift but delighted to preserve it for whatever reason. They wonder if their Stardust has gotten any of them new flowers, they wonder if he’d have another for them.

“We’re stopping just on that ledge there.” The Forager interrupts their thoughts before they can get too pathetic. “I hope you don’t mind pie.”

The Traveler’s eye gazes over her to the horizon, the setting sun painting the forest below in dark shadows. They stare over the edge the Forager has chosen to settle by, she sets up her little picnic while they zone out. They’re not even that high up, not as high as they were prepared to go but what’s the point of going further? They’re not sure what they wanted, even if they stood at the very top it wouldn’t bring any meaningful attention from the universe.

Every descriptor they know of their country came from the King.

Did they expect peace from that? That any words from that sobbing pathetic monster about dark sands and lush trees while standing on a giant rock would bring any sort of solace?

They try to find any fondness, cling to any mentions their Stardust would share in rare moments of clarity.

There’s only resentment.

They’re resentful that they could only watch Siffrin almost remember with no hold on memories for their own.

They’re resentful that the King is the only one who got to remember, resentful that he got any sort of peace after everything in inflicted on them.

They’re resentful they got left behind, they’re resentful they gave up, they’re resentful they’re alone, resentful they have to start again, resentful they’re as forgotten as their country, resentful, resentful, resentful.

“Ode.”

They’re resentful that they’re resentful.

“Sit down with me.”

The Forager has a tightness in her voice that makes the Traveler listen, stepping further away from the edge of the cliff to join her on the blanket. There’s a tension in the air now, they don’t meet her eyes as she stares at them.

“What were you thinking about?” The Forager asks with too much softness for a stranger even if edged with caution. “To have such a dark expression like that…”

What do they look like, they wonder.

Scared? Angry? Dangerous?

What’s the right answer to give here?

They suppose it doesn’t matter.

“The King.” They give an easy answer, not an incorrect one but the safest vague one they can think of. No one likes the king.

“Ah,” The Forager nods, accepting the answer but unclear how much she believes them. “What a loser.”

A laugh is startled from the Traveler, a grin that’s more teeth than a smile pulling at their lips. “What a loser!” They repeat, delighted, maybe a little maniacal but delighted nonetheless.

What a loser.

The Forager shares pie and berries with the Traveler, their conversations a little stilted with the awkwardness of two strangers who know they’ll likely never meet again sharing a strangely vulnerable moment but when they find a peaceful quiet it doesn’t bother them.

Someone they might never meet again… What a concept.

They’re not sure how long they sit there. The pie is good, crumbly, the first thing they’ve eaten that isn’t dried provisions they stole for their travels. It’s sweet in a way that doesn’t make them nauseous and they only realize how quickly they devoured it when the Forager hands them another slice without saying anything.

The sun dips past the treeline, the Traveler sits silently as the Forager stares off into the sky. They don’t break the silence, staring down at their hands. They have no desire to look at the stars, their dark gloves smothering any of the light their universe-stained hands might give.

She hasn’t asked them for much more than their name and their thoughts so they don’t ask for anything.

Eventually, the darkness sets in and a chill fills the air. The Forager stands up with a sigh, looking more somber but still uncomfortably soft as she looks at them.

“It’s about time to head back, I think.”

The Traveler nods, they help her fold back up the picnic and trail beside her as she heads back down the path with a small touch in her hand. Their eye scans over the darkness, Saddnesses aren’t as prevalent with the King defeated but some still linger and they’d rather be careful.

“You’re such a sweet kid.” The Forager laughs when she realizes they’ve guided her home, only laughing more when they grimace at the compliment. “I have an extra bed if you need somewhere to rest.”

The Traveler shakes their head. “I already have a room in town.” They say when it looks like she might argue, their words seem to pacify her.

“Wait here for a second then.”

She only takes a moment, the Traveler can see her into her house through the open door though they don’t make any move to enter. They’ve had enough of walking into Vaugarde homes, each one different but they were so ready to leave this country behind.

The Forager returns with a side bag, practically shoving it in their arms before they can refuse such a thing. They look at her confused but feel the weight of the bag and hesitantly open it like it might bite them. The smell of pastries hits them, wrapped securely with cloth in the bag.

“Uh- Th- thank you?” They barely remember to say, already hungry but controlling themself to not just tear into the snacks.

“And this.” She folds out a book to them, much like the book she had earlier with her wive’s flower. It’s thick and sturdy with leather strings to hold it shut, they can’t help but feel silly for just a simple book to make them think of their Researcher. “Traveling will have you pass by lots of plants to press I assume or you can just write in it, it’s a decent hobby and I have way too many journals I never use.”

The Traveler takes the book, feeling its weight in their hand.

Not heavy enough for Odile.

“Thank you for joining me tonight.” The Forager’s voice draws their attention again. “I forgot how nice company is.”

Was it nice?

The Traveler thinks it may have been.

They nod, feeling awkward in their goodbye. They hold the book close to their chest as they feel how the Forager’s eyes watch them walk back towards town.

They open the book to see a flower pressed between the pages, a simple thing given to them that means so much to someone else.

They feel a little lighter.

Chapter Text

The town the Traveler finds themself in isn’t big enough to count as a city but the bustle of people sure makes it feel like it is. There’s a party or festival supposedly happening that day, the locals and tourists rushing with last-minute preparations. It’s unclear if this is a local celebration or a Poteria-wide celebration but the Traveler didn’t entirely care to find out, they were here to pick up some things in a more established town that they couldn’t get from the smaller ones they’ve been passing through.

They weave through the streets, dodging people and occasionally stopping to grab the door for someone whose arms are full and vanishing quickly before anyone can dare thank them or possibly recognize them.

They hoped that Poteria would be a breath of fresh air compared to Vaugarde but what horrible luck they have upon crossing the border and being mistaken for one of the heroes of Vaugarde. 

Mistaken for a hero of Vaugarde! Imagine! How embarrassing! They’re not even wearing an eyepatch!

They need to dye their hair.

Maybe it’s silly, considering it’s probably more their hat and cloak Siffrin is most recognized for.

Bright clothes, bright hair, Bright One.

They sort of regret not having this revelation while in Vaugarde, various cosmetics were around every corner for those seeking change. Poteria wasn’t lacking by any means, it did take going to a slightly more populated town to get the proper dyes.

Buying a dye isn’t much of a process, the little shop they enter is a little too crowded for them so they grab the first thing that looks acceptably dark and rush to purchase. No more life of crime for them! Being on the road has offered them a few chances to pick up odd jobs for coin, lesser skills they’re thankful weren’t entirely lost to their countless loops.

Their next stop is notably quieter which they find themself grateful for it as they’ll need to actually focus on this. Their hair can take damage from cheap dye, their life might not tolerate a weak dagger. They can outpace and outcraft most dangers by now but it’s still pretty blinding annoying.

It would be nice to get a custom one made specifically for them but that’ll have to wait until they’re able to save up a bit more coin, they only have enough for something decent for now.

A bell chimes as they enter the weapons shop, ding ding! A voice calls a greeting from the back, saying they’ll be out in a moment.

The Traveler doesn’t wait to look around, gazing over the selection. They briefly consider if they should try learning to use a sword, maybe a bow, it doesn’t look like they have a great selection of bows here but it be something different, new, something that they didn’t get good at through something horrible.

It would be a risk.

The Bladesmith steps out from the back just as the Traveler approaches the daggers, looking over their options. A man who’s tall and strong stands beside them, smiling with gentle eyes.

“Looking for anything specific?”

“I recently lost my dagger.” They explain, taking in their options while angling their hat to avoid meeting the Bladesmith’s eyes.

Don’t even think about him.

The Bladesmith asks questions, about their budget, their time frame, and the type of weight they’re looking for. It’s questions the Traveler can answer without much thought, clinical even, easy as the man leads them over to a case with several daggers.

“Can I pick them up?” They ask, eyeing the one with a curved blade that could almost be familiar.

“Go for it.”

With permission, the Traveler picks up the dagger angling it in the light. It weighs well, the curve a little straighter than it should be and the handles made completely different but the grip is fine, it’s similar enough to their old dagger that it wouldn’t take much adjustment to get used to again.

They regret not trying to steal their Stardust’s dagger, they regret letting him use it at all.

The image of Siffrin gutting himself is embedded in their mind, of him gasping as they killed themself in the stupidest way possible, the cries of their family who had to watch for that brief moment before time rewound and all Loop could do was watch through stupid universe given powers because they were always too much of a coward to ever do anything.

The Traveler puts down the dagger, ignoring how their hands shake or how they practically feel the Bladesmith’s gaze on them.

“I don’t like the curve.” They swallow down nausea as the Bladesmith doesn’t say anything.

Don’t think about it, don’t think about it, don’t think about it.

They breathe in, and out.

They pick up a different dagger while ignoring the phantom taste of burnt sugar in their throat,

It’s thinner and straight-edged, lighter too. Dread lingers but the dagger itself doesn’t remind them of anything. It’s been a long time since they used a dagger anyway, they were always likely to be a little rusty, and they can adapt to the difference on the road.

“This one, I think.” They say simply, finally working up the nerve to look at the Bladesmith. They’re not sure if it’s the right choice but they’re eager to leave and can regret it later.

“Sure, I’ll ring you up.” He smiles despite the hesitance in his voice, there are questions behind his gaze as he steps up to the counter with them. Thankfully, he seems to have the grace to not ask why a stranger had such a response.

They pay, wearing a weak smile as the Bladesmith bids an awkward goodbye.

The town feels so much fuller now, noises prickle at their skin like bugs and the people around them move more like shadows than humans. They do their best to tune it out, to dodge those around them as they retreat to the inn and rent themself a room. They think the Innkeeper tries to make conversation but they zone it out, taking their key and retreating to the quiet of their room.

They sink to the floor, head in hands, as they focus on breathing.

Don’t think about them. Don’t think about Siffrin learning how to cleanly slit their throat, don’t think about Isabeau reaching out to them but never making it, don’t think about Odile not breathing anymore, don’t think about Mirabelle’s body thumping against the ground over and over and-

They choke on burnt sugar, scrambling to their feet into the washroom. They feel sick, they feel like they’re dying, freezing as the warmth leaves with their blood, they-

They catch a glint of light in the mirror but when they look they just seem themself.

They take a deep breath, hold it, and let it out.

They laugh.

They look like a mess.

Their hair is tangled to hell and back, they don’t think they’ve brushed it since before their wish. Darkless and messy under their hat, somehow worse than their Stardusts.

Makes sense, they suppose, they seem the be the worst Siffrin in general.

They focus on their hair, they don’t let themself think of anything else. They try to ignore how their hands ache as they use their fingers to detangle their hair, trying to at least get the worst of it free before they dye it.

It takes a while, their scalp aching slightly from some more impatient tugs but eventually, they look in the mirror with damp dark hair and a grin that’s only a little maniacal. If only their blind eye wasn’t a duller shade, they might look just like how they used to before.

Before their family. How fitting!

They pull their Stardust's coin from their pocket and roll it between their fingers, trying to ground themself to the present.

They’re tempted to try and reach out to him, to ease a little of the ache and fear from earlier. He’s probably okay, probably resting with their family. They’re probably too far from each other to actually communicate but if they try they might be able to get something, anything.

It’s late, the sky is darkened when they look out their window though the streets are still lit bright with torchlight as the celebration the town was preparing for is in full swing. The muffled sound of music just barely made it into their room, a hum of unintelligible voices. 

They shove their coin back in their pocket and head out of their room, slipping into the crowded streets and looking for… Something. They’re not entirely sure what, just something to make them feel better, to ease off the edge.

“Oh, hey!”

A voice startles them, too loud and close but they turn to meet the gaze of the Bladesmith.

“Nice hair!” He smiles, bright and a little dorky. The Traveler can smell a hint of alcohol on him though he looks no less inebriated than earlier. “Doubted I had the right person for a second but same clothes.”

“Oh, ah, thanks?” The Traveler says so gracefully after a moment of forgetting how to respond. “Needed a change.”

“You heading towards Vaugarde then?” The Bladesmith laughs, making a motion to follow him to a quieter part of the street.

“Away from it.” They try not to think about why they follow him so easily, why they talk so freely. “I uh, got caught up in the King’s whole thing.”

“Ah, oof, okay, I’ll file that under things to not bring up when talking to a pretty person.” The way the Bladesmith cringes makes them snicker, the nervous smile they get is endearing. “Hope I didn’t screw up?”

“Not royally.”

“Good, I-” The Traveler’s grin widens as they watch the pun hit this poor unsuspecting man. “Oh, that’s bad.” He still laughs though, softer than they were expecting. He’s not loud in the right way but the Traveler somehow smiles without their cheeks hurting.

What a novelty.

“I don’t think I got your name, by the way?” The Bladesmith asks and the Traveler has to try a little harder to keep their smile genuine.

Loop is tired.

Siffrin is sore.

Ode is resentful.

“Jolis.” They answer without much thought, instantly regretting it but it be weird to take a name back, wouldn’t it? Well, they guess he already called them pretty…

“Jolis.” He repeats, smile too soft, too gently, eyes shining in the torchlight. “Would it be weird to ask you to dance?”

Are they allowed? The Bladesmith isn’t Isabeau, doesn’t look anything like him really. Tall but not the towering height over them that he had, lighter hair, softer voice, a nervousness Isabeau didn’t enjoy showing as easily. It’s not fair to compare them, they know that but maybe it’s the way the Bladesmith looks at them that makes them keep thinking about it.

“I need something to drink before I make a monarchy of myself like that.” They need something to make them braver, to dull the yearning. 

“On it boss!” The Bladesmith salutes before the pun once more catches up with him, groaning and throwing his head back in a way that doesn’t actually hide his smile. “Terrible, awful, I’m getting you some mead.”

“I really mead some.”

The Traveler laughs as they watch the Bladesmith walk away in defeat.

They want this, the light feeling in their chest, the easy conversation.

They want it so bad it hurts.

They yearn for it.

The Bladesmith returns, two drinks in hand. The Traveler drinks theirs a little too fast, buzz setting in making it easier to grin, to tease, to listen as he speaks, to speak themself.

They only barely hesitate to take his hand when he reoffers a dance, they don’t know what else to say as they get closer to the music, as they blend in with the moving crowd, as they move with another person like they might also be one.

His hand is warm, they can feel it through their gloves. It’s not sweaty though, what a weird thing to miss but the yearning for the past for once doesn’t drag them out of the present. Their hands are cold in a stranger's grasp, the touch grounding.

They wonder how they look to him.

They hope they look happy.

They spend the evening with the Bladesmith, drinking and dancing.

He walks them back to the inn, makes sure they get to their room safely. The Traveler presses a kiss to his hand, laughing as his face darkens with blush. His goodbye lingers, they stand in the entranceway of their room for a few minutes just in a comfortable silence. He makes no offer to try and join them in their room, just smiling.

The Traveler has no idea how to thank him without making it weird.

Eventually, the Bladesmith seems to work up the courage to lift their hand to his lips and return the kiss. They aren’t given much time to respond as he finally ducks away, fleeing from embarrassment.

The Traveler is left alone once again.

For tonight at least, they feel okay with that.

Sleeping comes easy, alcohol in their system has them out the moment they hit the bed.

The morning is a little harder. They didn’t drink enough to be hungover but their mind sluggish after such an eventful day. Their new dagger is tucked away in their bag so they don’t have to look at it, don’t have to risk ruining what good feelings remain.

They almost considered staying another day, the celebration supposedly lasted a few days, the Bladesmith mentioned it was about entering harvest season and having an abundance to rejoice over. They could cling to this a little longer.

They yearn to but they don’t.

They walk the path exiting the village.

Don’t look back, don’t look back, don’t look back.

“Jolis!” A familiar voice has them turn their head, startled. “I was worried I missed you!”

The Bladesmith jogs up to them, smiling a little out of breath. The Traveler watches him, unsure what to do here, a part of them fluttering at the sight but their throat tight with dread.

What are they afraid of?

“Here.” He holds out something, it takes the Traveler a second to process what it is. “You- you said you lost your old dagger and I- I figured you probably wouldn’t have the right size of sheath for your new one so I uh- I had one around that would be a good fit, right? Though it was kinda plain and I mean if It’s a gift I should-”

The Traveler gently takes the sheath from his hands as he rambles, seemingly getting more flustered the longer it takes them to respond.

It was a pretty simple sheath, dark leather. They thumb over the engravings, twirling vines with curved leaves etched into it. The name Jolis sits at the top, small letters that the Bladesmith must have added either last night or this morning.

“-You- you already have one, don’t you? Sorry if this is weird, I-”

“No.” The simple word makes the Bladesmith shut up instantly. They feel the way he watches them as they reach into their bag for their dagger, pulling it out of the cloth they had it wrapped in and sliding it into its new sheath. “No, I-”

How do they thank him?

“Good! I’m glad then!” He smiles so brightly, so pleased to help them. “I had fun last night and don’t worry I’m not dramatic enough to confess undying love for someone I just met but uh-” The Bladesmith laughs, awkward and dorky and the Traveler can’t help but smile. “If you ever pass through again, come say hi?”

“I will.” They say without thinking, they think they mean it though. “I will.” They repeat, more sure of themself. They can come back, can’t they? They’re not ready to stay but they can come back.

The Bladesmith says goodbye one more time, it’s bittersweet.

The Traveler allows themself to look back, laughing as they see him suddenly wave as he catches their eye.

They hold the sheathed dagger in their palms, no memories dragged up by its presence anymore.

They feel warmer.

Chapter Text

It’s a quaint little hamlet that the Traveler wanders into, there’s a larger town further up the path they plan to actually stop at but another patherby had pointed out the trail that leads to this place hidden in the trees. There’s a river that runs through it and they need the break, the path here seems like the only way to reach the river without trudging through the forestry.

The residents seem to watch them, cautious of a traveler. Still, it doesn’t seem too unusual sight that the people actually feel unease, especially when the Traveler settles by the riverbank.

They need the break.

It’s been… Several months, they think, maybe over half a year even since they left Vaugarde and the loops. It’s still hard to keep track of time, the seasons have changed. They’re nowhere cold enough to have to worry too much about the weather but what a surprise it had been to see snow for the first time in… what may have been decades for all they know.

Snow! They forgot snow existed! They probably looked insane staring at it.

It’s spring again though, it’s been raining a lot wherever they are now but today is beautifully sunny.

It feels a bit like mockery with how their mind eats at them.

They like to think it’s gotten easier, sometimes they can smile easily, sometimes they don’t feel the need to perform around strangers, sometimes they can breathe in cool air and let themself exist.

It’s still hard though.

Today is a day where their mind tears at them, where their star burns with grief and their freezing hands ache with despair.

The taste of burnt sugar isn’t real, the tug on their stomach is just fear, Does anything about them truly exist?

They hope their Stardust is better, healing, and safe.

The Traveler can sometimes still feel Siffrin’s pulse, in moments of anger and jealousy they feel desperate hands gripping their wrists.

Their stardust is so stupid sometimes, to risk everything and not cut them down the moment they were a threat. Did he think Loop wouldn’t do it? They saw the fear in Siffrin’s eyes when they had him pinned down, they felt how desperately he tried to loop back. If he truly believed they wouldn’t when he refused to attack them Loop sure made Siffrin doubt themself!

The Traveler laughs, quiet and bitter.

They miss them all so much.

It hurts.

They breathe in, and out. They hear the rushing waters of the river and faint voices of the nearby hamlet, the air is fresh and carries the earthy scent of the forest. Their hands are empty, only a faint sweetness that lingers with them that they have learned to ignore.

Today is not a good day but they’ve been trying to learn that days like this pass.

They straighten their posture as light footsteps approach, glancing behind them as a child with flowers and ribbons messily braided into his hair comes and sits next to them near the river. They feel the gaze of other adults, watching for the Flower Kid’s safety.

How lucky he is to be protected like that.

The Flower kid speaks, but the Traveler misses what he says, they’re not as fluent in this language as they are in Vaugardian.

“Repeat that?” They ask softly, putting on a smile in the hopes their thoughts don’t sneak through in their expression and scare the child. “You might have to speak slower for me.”

The Flower Kid solemnly nods, thinking before speaking again slower and with fewer words. “What’s your name?”

Siffrin is sore.

Loop is tired.

Ode is resentful.

Jolis is yearning.

“Plum” They say though they’re not sure why. Nothing here reminds them of Mirabelle really, they’ve been trying to be more conscious about comparing people.

“Like the fruit?”

“Like the flower.” They smile a bit more playfully, looking at the flowers tangled in the kid’s hair.

“Oh!” The Flower Kid squints at them. “No, you don’t look like a plum blossom.”

They know. “What do I look like then?”

Would Mirabelle be insulted they copied her? They can’t imagine her being angry about it but it’s not really change if you just steal it from someone else, is it?

“You look like a –” The Flower kid looks at them expectantly like they’re supposed to agree with him.

They’re sure they would but the name rings unfamiliar. “I don’t know that flower.

“What? Yes you do, it’s everywhere!” he exclaims, jumping to their feet again. “I’ll be right back!”

The Traveler lets their smile drop once the Flower Kid runs off.

Plum blossom.

Mirabelle would look beautiful with a flower even if she never wore the ones their Stardust gave. They guess she never got the chance to though, delicate flowers aren’t something you wear into battle.

Did the Traveler ever give her one? Their chest aches with grief as they can’t remember who they gave a flower to, if anyone. They remember in their final loop they certainly had no flower… What if they didn’t pick it up at all?

It doesn't really matter, everything they’d ever done has been rewritten over and over by someone else. Them giving a flower is as predominant as a ghost in the halls, nothing to be done but keep going.

Is it right to grieve themself?

Their smile returns with the Flower Kid, now holding a bundle of little bright flowers on long stems.

“Gramps said to try –” They say something and the Traveler recognizes the cadence of Poterian but the word remains just as unknown as before.

“Still don’t know it.” They give a hapless shrug as the kid scowls.

“For- forget-mmme-not.” The Flower Kid struggles with the Vaugardian word but it makes the Traveler’s chest ache.

“Forget me not.” They repeat. The name alone makes the star in their chest ache and burn.

“Yes!” He says proudly, holding up the little pale flowers. “You’re erm- this!”

Forget-me-not.

They want to cry.

The Flower Kid talks, a bit faster than the Traveler can keep up with but they try to listen and focus. Forget-me-nots like partial shade, it thrives in late spring or early summer, the Flower Kid’s Grandfather says they grow like weeds.

Forget-me-nots suit the Traveler.

The Traveler watches as he braids the stems together, pulling one of the ribbons from his hair out. It takes everything in them not to flinch when the Flower Kid reaches for their wrist, wrapping the forget-me-not bracelet around their wrist and using the ribbon to securely tie it on.

The Traveler misses what the Flower Kid says next but they manage to stutter out a weak. “Th-thank you.” Before he runs off, called back by his parents who scold him for grabbing a stranger.

He seems pleased despite the trouble he seems to be in, waving goodbye as an adult shoos him inside.

The Traveler decides they lingered enough, wanting to leave before anyone can decide they mean trouble. The path back to the main road is quiet, with only the sound of wind and birds to keep them company.

Forget-me-not.

They don’t know if they should laugh or cry. Is this another joke from the universe?

They grieve a life they can’t remember, they grieve friends that don’t remember, they grieve little conversations, jokes, petty arguments, a whole journey that’s just a blur in their memory.

Does their Stardust miss them?

The ribbon falls loose long before they reach the next town, they laugh at how dramatic it must seem as they pick the small flowers off the ground and retrieve Ode’s book from their pack. Plum’s loop of Forget-me-nots safely pressed between its pages and Jolis’ dagger placed on top of it for a little extra weight to keep it shut until they reach their next stop.

The ribbon that once held the bracelet together is tied again around their wrist, safely tucked under their gloves to avoid it getting caught on anything.

They don’t feel much better but it’s not the end of the world.

Chapter Text

The Traveler is on their way to Ka Bue, they really can’t tell if they’ve been there or not. They have vague recollections but they find it impossible to know if these are from personal experience or from Odile’s descriptions. They hope that it’ll become more of a clear answer once they’re there to possibly see something familiar.

Still, they’re a week or so and a long boat ride away.

They had sped up their travels a little by tagging along with a caravan for a few weeks, they forgot how nice it was to not have to walk everywhere. 

They sort of miss the Musician that was with them, they never really spoke much, neither of them had much to say but she would hum tunes and pluck strings as they rode along the path and she would sing songs in a language they weren’t familiar with when they camped.

During the night she would sneak away from camp to practice her songs more, the Traveler lost a fair amount of sleep listening to her play and ensuring she made it back to her tent safely.

It was nice to be around someone who didn’t feel the need to speak but still never let the silence linger.

They sadly had to split from the caravan, the Traveler heading farther east than the Merchant leading the group had planned on going. There were quiet goodbyes for the passing Traveler and wishes of good luck before they were once again on their own.

They walk a path surrounded by grass taller than them, the smoke of a village up ahead in the distance, and the presence of someone not too far ahead of them tells them they’re close to their resting stop. They’re pretty sure it’s a decent-sized village, they’ve forgotten the name but another traveler with the caravan had directed them to this place.

They hope it has an inn for them to rest, traveling with people meant they had to be extra careful not to show the stars that mar them and they were hoping to at least get in a good bath and decent bed with the privacy to wear more comfortable things to bed. Maybe even get a drink.

Stars, they’re starting to sound old like Odile.

If they’re lucky they might be able to get more dye, they’ve been relatively good with upkeeping their hair but they haven’t quite gotten the chance to redye for a few weeks and their roots have started to grow in.

The bright shade is still hidden by their hat but they’d like to deal with it before they risk seeing a ghost in the mirror.

But today is kind to them, to have their thoughts only linger on being able to get a bed and some dye. They breathe in time with the swaying grass around them, the breeze nice on such a sunny day as this one.

The movement of the grass is disturbed, the Traveler only catches the glint of steel from the corner of their eye and their body moves on instinct as irritation crackles at their skin. Their dagger slides out with practiced ease and in moments like this, they miss the Memory of Sadnesses so they could just just be left alone.

The Enemy makes some sort of noise but Siffrin tunes it out. Unimportant. The Enemy is in their way, lumbering too slowly to even be considered a true threat.

Siffrin’s eyes watch the Enemy’s sword as it drops to the ground before it can even be pointed at them, the fight doesn’t last for more than a few seconds. Siffrin is so much faster, stronger, skilled. They don’t even bother using craft, a quick slash is all it takes for the Enemy to collapse.

A second slash to make sure the Enemy stays down, and a third just to work out some of Siffrin’s frustration.

And just like that, they’re back on the path, leaving the fight behind them. Siffrin’s not quite sure why they feel so shaky, that fight didn’t last anywhere long enough to give them any sort of rush, only slightly annoying.

Siffrin breathes in, and out.

They shift where their sheath is looped to their belt, about to return their dagger to its place when they process the blood that coats their blade.

Stars, they’re not sure they have a cloth to wipe it off and they’re certainly not about to just shove a bloody dagger into their sheath and ruin it like that. Did they remember to buy a new one? Siffrin would hate to just have to use one of their spare clothes, they’re almost to town though so Siffrin rushes a little they can probably clean it off before the wetness damages the blade.

Blood.

Siffrin freezes as the coppery scent hits them, choking the air out of their lungs. It’s still so familiar after so long.

Siffrin- 

Loop- 

Ode- 

Jolis- 

Plum- 

The Traveler turns to look at the Enemy- 

The Threat- 

The Annoyance- 

The Person- 

The Injured- 

Their victim desperately clutches at their wounds, the only sound that can be heard in the greasy field is their panicked heaving gasps. Their sword lays next to them, useless. Was- Was it even pointed at them? Were they just carrying it? No, no, it was defense, Siffrin wouldn’t-

They’re Injured, they’re just injured, don’t think about why, don’t blinding think about it. They need help and Siffrin can’t- the Traveler can’t freeze like this when the puddle of dark blood continues to stain the grass.

The Traveler takes a step towards the Injured, their movement drawing their attention and makes them give a panicked wheeze that sounds like it belongs more to an animal than a person.

The Traveler meets the gaze of someone looking at a monster.

They shove their dagger in their pack, careless of what it might stain as they push themself forward towards the Injured. The Traveler thinks they say something but their head feels stuffed with cotton, the world is hazy around them, their hands freezing as they grab the heated body of the Injured.

Don’t flinch, don’t cry, don’t think about it.

They lift the Injured easily, slinging them across their back. It’s a little awkward, the Injured is taller than them and they can now feel blood soaking through their clothes, their skin feeling tacky and gross under the cloth.

Still, they’re light on their feet, the extra weight thankfully doesn’t do much to slow them down as they run towards the village. They push themself, hands forming their craft as they run to heal, heal, heal. They’re nowhere near as good as Mirabelle but-

Don’t think about her.

The smell of copper makes them nauseous, burnt sugar so prevalent that it feels like it clogs their throat. They can’t breathe, they don’t know if they deserve to.

The village is right in front of them, they stumble through the open gates and nearly trip as they fight the urge to gag. There are voices around them, cries of distress, questions they can’t answer, loud and overwhelming until someone blessedly takes the Injured from them.

The star in their burns hot, bright, they don’t know how their clothes aren’t burning away with it. Their hands grasp at their chest, gloves too dark to be stained but tacky with blood nonetheless as they grip the front of their cloak. 

They need to breathe, ignore the burning, ignore the smell, just breathe, just breathe, just breathe.

They flinch when a hand reaches for them, gaze narrowing on a woman who freezes immediately. It’s only for a moment though, her hand moving closer slowly to take theirs and gently pulling them with her as she takes a step back. She says something, voice soft and assuring as the crowd finally gives them space.

The Traveler is led to a nearby building, the woman’s voice slowly fading in through the haze that’s taken over their mind.

“It’s okay, they’re being taken care of, you’re okay.” It startles them a little, the Vaugardian she speaks to soothe them. “Just breathe.” She says in this county’s language, one they can’t even remember the name of right now though that’s not unusual for them, is it?

“I-I don’t-” They try to speak but they still feel so sick, they taste it, blood, sugar, everything that makes them feel sick.

“Oh, okay, it’s okay, dear.” She switches back to Vaugardian, no accent, they try to focus on it. It’s been a while since they’ve encountered someone from Vaugarde. It makes sense how freely she leads them into what seems to be her home, carefully stepping up the steps and kicking her door open to guide them inside. “You’re okay.”

They’re not okay, nothing about this is okay. They may have killed someone just out of passive reflex, nothing is okay and repeating it doesn’t make what they did go away.

The inside of her home spells like spices, familiar and foreign. It only takes a small glance to find herbs that line the walls, a bowl and little tool used for grinding ingredients sits by them, the name escaping them but the jars full of things the Traveler couldn’t dream to recognize make them imagine Bonnie being so excited at the options. It’s a little calming, it almost smells like home, and it makes it easier to breathe through the copper and the sweetness.

They’re led to the washroom, the Herbalist mumbling more reassurances. “you’re doing good, keep breathing.” She says and it makes the Traveler want to give her an example of just what they can do because nothing about them has ever been good and Siffrin just wants to shut her up-

No, no, no, no, no, They don’t. She’s being kind, she’s trying to help even if misguided. They’re selfish for letting her, they’re ungrateful for wanting to hurt her, they- 

They can’t stay here.

“Get cleaned up and changed, okay?” Her voice sounds muddled against the ringing in their ears.

They’re left alone in the washroom, there’s a sweetness in their air, not sugar but planty? They try to focus on it as they strip off their gloves, the wet fabric sticking uncomfortably to their skin as they peel them down. The little ribbon they keep around their wrist has little specks of dark stains, they try not to think about it as they untie it and rest it carefully next to the sink. 

They almost laugh when a glance in the mirror shows their hat somehow completely clean.

Their cloak falls from their shoulders, weighed down by a wetness they don’t think about as they turn on the sink. Their hands are already stained dark, specks of stars uncaringly shining through the moisture that clings to their skin even as they wash away the blood.

They scrub and scrub until the scent of soap overpowers anything metallic that’s been washed down the drain and then they scrub more because if they stop they have to face the bloody dagger in their pack that-

No.

They spin on their heel so fast they almost feel dizzy, scrambling to open their pack as dread builds up in their gut. The dagger sits there, darkened with blood and dipping onto the cover of the journal under it.

No, no, no, not this.

They toss the dagger onto their discarded cloak, their hands trembling as they pick up Ode’s book. Its cover has splotches of dark stains.

Please don’t be ruined, please don’t be ruined, please don’t be ruined.

They flip open the journal, nearly letting out a sob of relief as the only thing that marks its pages are words and doodles and the slightest light stain from the leaves of pressed forget-me-nots.

Their voice cracks as they fight back tears. “Thank you.” it’s stupid and pitiful to be grateful for such a small mercy of the universe but the words slip out before they can stop them and they just don’t care enough to regret it right now.

“Are you alright?” The Herbalist’s voice comes muffled through the door, the concern in her voice obvious.

“Yes.” They choke out like the liar they are.

The Journal is set carefully to the side as the Traveler washes the blood off them and changes into their spare clothes. Their dirtied clothes are wrapped around their dagger and shoved back into their bag for them to regret not dealing with later.

Their journal, their sheath, and their ribbon are tucked safely in another pocket in their pack and put out of their mind before they can’t keep themself together enough and have another breakdown in a bathroom.

The Traveler doesn’t smile, because smiling after washing off a bunch of blood would be weird but they try to relax their posture, seem better, seem more like a person and not a monster they can pretend to fine long enough to blinding get out of here.

They need to leave this town before the Enemy- the Injured- their victim-

They breathe in, and out.

Stop.

Get back on stage, Siffrin. Traveler.

They exit the bathroom, the Herbalist puts on the weakest fake smile they’ve ever seen as she looks them over. 

“You look a bit better, at least.” She has to be lying. “Why don’t I get you some water and we can figure out what happened, okay?”

Never, they’re leaving immediately but they have to follow her a little, through the hall to the kitchen where they can get through the front door. They breathe because that’s all they can do as they eye the approaching exit.

“How about we start with your name?”

The Traveler almost throws up, they hate that question, they hate everyone who asks it, they hate that everyone else would have an easy answer while they need to steal and lie.

The spices in the corner make them think of Bonnie but that’s a name they can never have, a name they don’t deserve, a name of their kid who used to hate them and now doesn’t even know them.

All names hurt, all names remind them of what they aren’t and can’t have. It hurts, it hurts, it hurts.

They feel more like a beast than a person as they walk toward the door, cornered, frightened, and dangerous. The Herbalist says something but they ignore it and step out into the blinding sunlight, no one in this town is on their level, no one can stop them from leaving and no one will as they so easily slip between the houses without notice.

It’s a beautiful sunny day, the path is lined with swaying grass. The Traveler has a pack full of bloodied clothes and weapon that may have killed someone today.

They look to the bright sky and beg the universe to please, please, blinding please don’t let them have slaughtered someone like that.

The universe doesn’t answer.

Chapter Text

Ka Bue is unfamiliar to the Traveler. The language, the places, the people. A week or so ago that probably wouldn’t have bothered them as it does not but everything has them on edge, each unexpected voice, any lone presence that passed by them. Traveling has turned stressful, they’re terrified to be around people but don’t trust themself alone anymore.

The blood washed out of their clothes, they spent an hour at the first river they found scrubbing and begging until whatever sparks of wish craft remained in them aided their freezing hands in unstaining the fabric. Their ribbon too delicate to risk scrubbing like that, no way to wash a book without ruining it, the dark stains on remain and the Traveler just has to live with that just like everything else they’ve done.

They struggled to acknowledge people before, to remember each person had their own life and love. Now the Traveler is too aware of them, scared of what they might do, scared they could ruin someone else's life as badly as their own.

The capital of Ka Bue is a blessing and a curse.

The city is loud, populated, they can’t particularly go anywhere in it without being somewhat near another person. It makes anxiety buzz under their skin, never lets them relax.

That’s a good thing.

The Traveler got too comfortable, too relaxed, they thought they were doing so good they just forgot that they had years of ingrained violence in them for a second! Silly Siffrin!

No.

No. They’re just a traveler, not Siffrin, they are not Siffrin.

Even Siffrin wouldn’t attack a person like that! He never physically hurt anything but Sadnesses, sure they were scary about it sometimes but their Stardust had only ever hurt themself.

The Traveler can remember the Fighter flinching when they grabbed his wrist, he got too close and they held tight enough they watched his skin get lighter from the lack of blood. He never complained about the bruise they left but the Fighter-

Isabeau.

Isabeau, Isabeau, Za, Isa, Isabeau.

Do not forget again.

They breathe in, and out.

Think about something else.

The city is beautiful, crowded, and foreign and making them mourn that they’ll never get the chance to have Odile show them around but they’re here anyway and it’s stressful but not the worst. They don’t stay inside the city itself, at night they retreat to a nearby smaller village only a quick dash away to camp. It’s close enough to a town to be safe but allows the privacy to keep others safe from them.

They plan on going back to Poteria, they don’t know why they bothered to travel this far across the world but there’s nothing here for them. There’s nothing here for them and they don’t know why they stall, don’t know why they hesitate to jump on the first ship they can that’ll bring them as far away from here as they can.

They do know, they know it’s each time they see a food Odile told Bonnie about, it’s the scent of a perfume they find that reminds them of the orchid-scented soap Odile used, it’s each time they see something they don’t recognize and want to turn to her to ask her about it.

It’s because at the very least Odile’s name never slips from their mind.

They try not to think about it.

The city is beautiful and the Traveler needs hair dye. If they pause by a perfumery to buy a new but familiar scent to drown out the sweetness of sugar that lingers around them, that is completely unrelated to anything else.

They need hair dye, they’ve needed hair dye for several weeks, and stars, they are going to get it today and then they’ll catch the next ship heading anywhere even slightly in the direction of Poteria so they can leave everything behind again, and maybe visit the Bladesmith who’s probably moved on and forgotten them by now but the Traveler at this point would do anything for some semblance of friendship.

If they could even manage to meet his eyes after what they did with the dagger they bought from him.

Don’t think about it.

Don’t think about it, they need to focus on what's in front of them.

What’s in front of them is the market, people at various stalls, all sorts of products being sold, scents of foods that remind the Traveler how hungry they are.

Focus.

It’s somewhat of a struggle to find the right store when the Traveler doesn’t speak or read the language. Thankfully there’s enough tourism here that even a pitiful taveler like them can navigate with only a bit of difficulty, it be easier if they could just stop and ask someone for help but the idea makes them feel sick so they’re left guessing until they can spot something they recognize through the stalls.

Oh no.

Recognize something indeed.

They almost think they’re hallucinating again, they’ve been thinking about her so much lately it would make sense to find her in a stranger but soon enough they see the bob of a cute bow and the brightness of a cloak. Bonnie’s voice echoes even through the crowd though the words are muddled by the sheer shock.

Isabeau is knelt down, he and Mirabelle looking at something Bonnie is talking about. Their Stardust seems to be watching them, standing further back with Odile at his side.

The Traveler feels something soft in their chest, a warmth that doesn’t burn hot like usual.

Their Stardust has longer hair, tied back in a short braid with any remnants of black dye long gone. They could imagine one of their family braiding it for him, not that they didn’t know how to but they’ve always been particularly bad at remembering to take care of their hair.

The presence of their Stardust is lighter, the weight they remember doesn’t seem to burden his shoulders as much as before.

He looks healthier.

They look loved.

The Traveler is…

Glad.

Bitter.

Relived.

Resentful.

The Traveler tears their gaze away from him before they do something stupid like actually try and talk to them, maybe when they’re alone they can try to reach out like they used to with their Stardust only. They don’t think they can handle facing their friends yet, they haven’t figured out what to say to them, or how to explain themself to them.

They turn to leave, only sparing a small glance at the people who should have been their family and-

Odile is staring at them.

Suddenly any gentle warmth they may have had turns bright hot, their throat tight with anxiety as they meet her gaze. Her eyes scorch them, undeniably seeing them… But they feel their lips twitch into a smile despite themself. She looks so confused, maybe concerned but she’s looking at them and she recognizes them.

The taste of burnt sugar stings in their throat like acid, they can’t make her forget this, they’re not able to no matter how much they might try. 

The idea is terrifyingly alleviating

Their smile drops when she looks away, a static cold washing through their limbs like they were suddenly thrown into the ocean. She looks at Siffrin and-

Wuh oh.

A jolt of panic has them turn on their heel, quickly walking away before they have to actually face their past. The Traveler changes their mind, they don’t want to see their Stardust, they don’t want him to see them at all, think something inside them would crumble if they had to see their own eyes looking back at them again.

They feel their Stardust following after them and they walk faster and faster until they’re just running, craft on their fingers speeding them up to escape. Siffrin’s close behind them, steps silent, they feel like something has to be wrong with how he never tries calling out but they’re too focused weaving through people too slow to even process their approach.

The Traveler is bitter as they come to the realization they can’t outpace him, living up to his nickname their Stardust stays hot on their trail. They take a sharp turn into an alley, desperate to gain any distance with unpredictable movement and not have to worry about anyone else getting in the way. 

If they can just lose Siffrin for a moment, just a second, they only need a second and he’ll never be able to find them again-

The Traveler hits the ground hard as a weight knocks into them, breathe knocked out of them and their arms roughly scuffed against the stone even through their gloves.

Stars, they haven’t thought about what would happen if their hands bleed.

Don’t think about it, not important right now. They jab their elbow back, shoving their Stardust just enough for them to scramble onto their back before he’s on them once again and the Traveler meets his eye and nearly freezes.

A threat.

Anger.

The star in the chest burns, it hurts, it hurts, it hurts. Why are they being looked at like that? They watch numbly as they’re pinned, hands trapped by Siffrin’s legs and his arm pressing down on their throat as they reach for their dagger.

Terrified. They blink as they process the absolute panic in their Stardust’s eye. He can’t find his dagger, not where they usually keep it and the Traveler forces themself to smile.

“Wh-what an embrace!” They ignore how much it hurts, a laugh stinging like bile. “Didn’t know you’d miss me this much, Stardust!”

Siffrin freezes, eye lifting from where they are desperately trying to grab a dagger that isn’t there to stare at them.

“Loop?” His voice is weak, barely a whisper as…

Recognition shines in their eye as the arm pressed to their throat lessens its pressure.

Oh.

Siffrin is right in front of them, in pain.

Ode chokes on sugar and their own anger, it’s not fair.

Jolis fights the urge to reach up and touch him, scared of making it worse.

Plum must look quite the ghost, with dark hair, both eyes, and a hat long since lost.

Loop grins to hide their exhaustion, moving so slowly to free their hands and pull out a silver coin.

“The one and only!” They laugh despite it not being very funny. “Now how about you stop pinning me down like we’re in one of your Housemaiden’s novels?”

Their stardust laughs too, weakly, barely little huffs of breath as they slump forward and make the Traveler jump as his head rests on their chest. The Traveler tries to shove down their irritation as that is the opposite of what they just asked, why can’t he ever just do what they tell him for once?

But their Stardust is trembling, silently working through shaky breaths as he clings to their cloak. The Traveler could imagine their pulse racing, the desire to try and feel their pulse has their hands hovering awkwardly over him. 

How selfish of them, to want like that.

The Traveler breathes in, and out. Their smile fades as they calm down, feeling how Siffrin mimics the motion and starts to settle himself.

Does he even realize how close he is to their star?

The Traveler sits up abruptly, shoving their stardust off them. They don’t feel as bad about it now that he’s at least a bit calmed down and the ground is hard and uncomfortable.

“Loop-”

“Ew, don’t even.” They interrupt before their Stardust can do anything embarrassing like apologize and by the nod he gives, they assume the out is somewhat appreciated.

It’s so awkward. Neither of them know what to do here.

The Traveler gets off the ground, dusting dirt from their cloak and with only a moment of hesitation offers a hand which their Stardust doesn’t share their hesitation in taking.

Now they’re awkward standing up!

Their Stardust doesn't let go of their hand, gripping them like he thinks they might run away again and they can’t quite be upset about it because they might just, they don’t want to, they want to stay and grip back but everything in them screams to get away before they fall too deep. They’re both wearing gloves, there’s no heat to be shared but their Stardust’s hold keeps the Traveler rooted here.

“You’re… not a star anymore.” He finally breaks the silence.

“For the most part.” They stare at the wall in this cramped little alley they’ve ended up in, not wanting to think about the star, still annoyingly bright being smothered under the fabric of their shirt and cloak.

“You weren’t looking for us, were you?” Their Stardust almost sounds sad, how cute.

“Miss me that much?” They can’t help but tease them even if they can’t meet his eye. They want to hide, want him to stop looking at them, they can feel his eye studying them. “No, I typically don’t run away from people I’m looking for.”

“Oh,” The disappointment is heavy in his tone. “I uh- I did... Miss you.”

The Traveler laughs, they don’t know what else to do. Their stardust sounds so serious that it’s unnerving, he sounds like they mean it, like he wants them to believe it. It’s not a good look on him, he’s going to embarrass both of them at this rate.

“Aw, you’ll make me blush!” They can’t match the energy, it feels like they’re just as cracked and fragile as they were a year ago and they just can’t handle it. “You’ll make me feel bad for being gone so long!”

They finally stop staring at the wall, meeting their Stardust’s eye with only a little bit of dread.

I missed you too. They don’t confess. 

I’m sorry I wasn’t here for you. They don't apologize. 

I still want to hurt you so badly. They don’t warn.

They don’t know if Siffrin understands but he squeezes their hand as silence creeps back on them and the Traveler squeezes back. It’s uncomfortable, it hurts, does he know how much it hurts them? They stare at their Stardust because suddenly they’re not ready to run again at all, they don’t want to lose sight of him, they need him to stay with them. It hurts, their grip tightens and Siffrin doesn’t complain about what must be hurting him. All he does is stare at them, all they can do is struggle to hold his gaze.

Their Stardust finally looks away and the Traveler breathes, watching him glance behind his shoulder. “Ah, crab.”

The Traveler feels them too, their friends, their Stardust’s family. They don’t want to run but they let go of his hand.

“Stay.” His eyes are back on them, his grip squeezes hard enough that the Traveler wishes it would hurt. “They- They want to see you too.”

“No.” It’s too easy to refuse. “I- I can’t yet.”

“But-”

The Traveler laughs, bitter and frustrated. “Good luck explaining to Odile.” They tease with a grin that's more teeth than an actual smile that they only half hide behind their hand. “Teehee, don’t spill all my secrets!”

They shouldn’t be angry when their Stardust lets go of their hand, why does he always listen when they don’t want him to? It would be so much easier to be dragged back, to be pressured, for it not to rely on their own strength.

Keep me here. They want to beg. Don’t let me leave.

They’re such a coward.

“We’re… traveling back to Vaugarde in five days.” Their stardust tells them as they pull away. “If you change your mind.”

They don’t answer, don’t promise, don’t thank them, don’t apologize, don’t do anything.

Mirabelle is the second fastest, they feel her getting closer, sense her hesitation about where to go. The others lagging behind her but close enough that they could almost be tempted to stay.

The Traveler misses them so much when they turn on their heel and walk away without looking back.

Chapter Text

The Traveler tries so hard to leave. They really give it an honest try! They spend hours staring at nothing while under another stupid tree and think about it, think about heading out and finding a ship and vanishing, leaving everything behind once more.

Because that’s what they do, they leave. They never stay, they give up everything long before it can ever become something to lose and they spend months agonizing over what could have been if they weren’t such a coward.

The Bladesmith didn’t ask them to stay, just come back.

The Traveler thinks about the people who used to be their family.

They left them, gave up and abandoned the very reason they trapped themself. They left them again once it was finally over, unable to bear being a stranger to them or possibly face them knowing what could have happened, what did happen.

Could they go back?

Wasn’t that the plan? To grow and change and be actually deserving of them before going back? To show up once more as a stranger still but a stranger they could love again.

What were they expecting?

“Look at me!” Someone with a name that fits them would say. “I’m healed and I can finally love you without hurting you!”

A reunion with smiles, tears, and thank yous, scripted perfectly. No questions, no tension, no lingering anger. That someone with a name would just click with them, settle into the group dynamic and everyone would be happy!

Did… They ever actually imagine themself as that person? That their smile would ever be real enough to do anything close to that? Did they think their former friends were dumb enough to never realize that their entire existence was one cosmic mistake?

Stupid, really stupid. The type of naivety that’s intentional and the only thing pushing them forward.

It’s too late now, seeing their Stardust again has shattered this ideal image in their head.

Greed seems to be inherent to the nature of being Siffrin. Their Stardust was ready to kill their ghost only to cling on when he realized it was their dear Loop and not just any other haunting of the past. He’s still better than them, letting go when they pulled away even when the Traveler wished he wouldn’t

Maybe the Traveler, in this moment, is a little more Siffrin than they care to admit because they want their friends. They want to see them, they want them to see who they are. It should be easier now, right? They don’t have starlight hiding their features, their body softened back into a more lovable shape.

Mostly.

They touch the smooth skin under their left eye and try not to think about it, try not to think about how even after a whole year of travelling and adapting to the outside world once more they have no scars, no blemishes, no calluses, nothing remaining of the past and nothing gained despite how clumsy they could be. “Uncanny.“ They think someone called them once, in a hushed tone they weren’t meant to hear.

They look like Siffrin but not, like a doll made of smooth porcelain instead of actual skin.

They… could probably use that, right? Loop was a star with no face, bright and loud in a crowd. Not everywhere is as welcoming as Vaugarde, it would make sense for Loop to change to fit in, it would make sense for something as inhuman as them to copy the face of the person they know the best.

It’s just silly Loop! Pretending they could be a person!

The Traveler takes a breath in and lets it out slowly.

They need to be as calm as they can manage. They stand under a tree, leaning against the rough bark as they wait for their friends to come because they’re selfish and exhausted. There’s still time to run, to vanish and keep their Stardust only as close as a memory but the idea hurts, they’re form physically aches as they imagine leaving again.

Selfish.

They wait and wait, and wait. The tree provides them shade as time passes whether they want it to or not.

And then a familiar presence rushes towards them, silent but unmistakable.

“I knew it.” Their Stardust says, grinning but eyes betraying a relief that could almost soothe the aches of the Traveler’s hands.

“Sure, Stardust.” They humor him.

They only startle slightly when he keeps walking toward them and much closer than they were prepared for. They can’t help but flinch back slightly as Siffrin reaches forward, they have a tree to their back so there’s really nowhere for them to move as their Stardust doesn’t hesitate but slows their movement and takes their hands in his.

Gloves against gloves, once again blocking any warmth the Traveler could steal.

Siffrin seems to be much more comfortable with touch, the Traveler supposes they've had a family eager to give and a whole year to get used to it, loved as he is.

"The others will be here in a bit." Their Stardust warns, swaying their hands back and forth with the breeze. It could almost be comforting how content he seems to be but the Traveler could spot the little bit of anxiety in his eye, he thinks they might still run. "I ran ahead to give you the heads up."

"How thoughtful." They deadpan, more likely he came first to ensure they didn't run but they... supposed they can't really blame him for that when they sort of still really want to. "What did you end up telling them? So I know what I'm working with."

"Oh." Siffrin's hands stop swinging theirs immediately as he avoids their eyes and their smile becomes tense as they already know whatever he's about to say will annoy them. "I... I was really hoping you would be here and asked them to wait?"

"What."

"I didn't know what you would want shared!" Their stardust tries to defend as they squeeze his hands a little too tightly. "I didn't think it was my place to say anything..."

"So you leave me to the wolves." They can't imagine Odile being too happy about that, the Traveler is also not happy. "You're so cruel to me, the Researcher is going to eat me alive..."

"Oh yeah," Their Stardust is laughing at them. "She had... a lot of questions." The Traveler tries not to tense too much and forces themself to smile to avoid glaring.

This isn't bad, it just means the Traveler can completely control the narrative. It's going to be weird that Siffrin didn't just tell his family that they were their pal Loop and the response they had to see Odile was sure to set off alarm bells but it's... Fine. They can salvage this.

They feel the presence of their old friends approaching, still far enough down that path that looking up doesn't quite curse them with any clear image of the people they left behind but very suddenly they start to feel sick with anxiety at the sight of those blurs in the distance. They don’t deserve this, not after what they’ve done.

Boohoo, poor little Traveler, they lose control once and go crawling back to their old friends like a ghost beneath the floorboards so they can hurt them too.

Selfish, disgusting, dangerous thing. They should have never come here, should have stayed far away from Ka Bue, it’s not theirs, they don’t have Odile for it to mean anything, stupid sentimentality has just gotten people hurt. If they were anything good they’d find an isolated place in the middle of nowhere and never curse society with their presence again but of course not, they’re awful, they’ve always been awful and they’ll always be awful.

“Loop?” Their Stardust draws their attention back to them, thankfully they’re still smiling. “I have… um…” The Traveler mourns the loss of Siffrin’s hands as he lets go of them to reach within their cloak. “Flower for you.”

The Traveler’s breath catches in their throat.

Siffrin holds out what looks like a bookmark, a flower pressed and preserved in resin with dark tassels hanging from the top, they think the flower is the same type that was grown in Dormont. Do the same kind grow near here or… have they kept it this whole time for them?

“Stardust…” Their voice is weak, their fake smile drops as they carefully take the bookmark from him. “You…” They trail off, they have no idea what to say, a bright flower kept just for them.

“I never got to give you one, not permanently,” Their Stardust says with a stupid grin that instantly prepares the Traveler for a pun. “And I’ll be damnedelion if you don’t get one.”

“Boo, weak.” They heckle with a grin of their own, fighting back laughter that almost threatens to bubble up. “This isn’t even a dandelion, Stardust.”

What’s a pun to say back? They struggle to think of anything quick enough, if they take too long they’ll miss their chance but the moments where such things come easily have become rare to them.

“Yeah, but I’m still quite frond of them.” Their stardust unfortunately works faster than them. “It’s bouquet though, just let me weed a few out.”

Much to their dismay and Siffrin’s pleasure a little laugh escapes them, they quickly hide it behind their hand but it’s too late, their Stardust practically radiates smugness.

They don’t deserve to smile like this but it’s nice to see him happy.

Unfortunately, they don’t have much time to bask in the moment. Their old friends are not too far off and they need to steel themself, their smile becomes something more performative and easier to hold. They can’t show any doubt or Odile will pick them apart.

They ignore the way their Stardust seems to wilt with the change of mood.

Ha, wilt… Too late…

“You don’t need to pretend.” They feel their eye twitch as Siffrin speaks.

“You don’t get to tell me what I need.” They bite back too quickly and only feel a little satisfaction in the way he winces. “I know you’re used to me playing along but let me have my own character development, Stardust!” They should be kinder maybe but they can’t decide if they hate being here or not.

They breathe in, and out as they tuck the flower in their pack. They’re careful to slip it between the pages of their journal safely tucked away and hidden just in time for that Stardust’s family to arrive.

Their smile is wide and falsely cheerful as they give a little wave as a greeting, their eyes scrunch at the awkward wave Mirabelle returns. She still looks the same, dressed in warmer clothes with slightly more frills but her anxious kind eyes could almost soothe them.

Almost, maybe if she actually recognized them…

Still, Mirabelle is the safest to look at, she bows a little under their gaze, looking uncomfortable but able to meet their eyes for the most part. The Traveler doesn’t want to face Odile, they don’t want Isa to see them, stars, they’re not ready to face Bonnie.

They carefully avoid the eyes that burrow into them, the silence is heavy and tense. There are questions hanging in the air but for a long, excruciating moment no one really knows what to say.

“Does… Siffrin have a twin you all forgot to warn me about or..?” An unfamiliar voice cuts through the tension, it almost startles them but they’re already as tense as can be.

“Ew, no!” They force a laugh, a little more bitter than they intend. “I am by no means their family.”

They pretend not to see the way their stardust flinches.

They pretend that they don’t immediately regret saying it.

They pretend the effect they still have on their Stardust doesn’t make them feel powerful.

“They’re more like one of those little shaking dogs to me.” They grin at the face Siffrin makes. “I just wanna shoop up my Stardust and carry him in my purse!”

The woman who asked the question looks equally bothered, eyeing them as they smile at her. They have no idea who she is and they don’t quite like the way she looks at them, though they’re a least a little grateful that they have a stranger to focus on.

“Loop?” Isa’s voice cuts that thought.

“Aw, you do remember me!” They clap their hands together as they painfully make themself look at the fighter, the recognition in his eyes has them feeling sick. It’s too late, he’s seeing the wrong person.

“THE STAR?!” Bonnie’s voice comes from the side, they try not to look but they’ve always been weak. The kid peeking from behind the stranger’s arm.

The stranger…

Stars, that’s Bonbon’s sister. They- They completely forgot, they don’t remember her name!

“The star!” They repeat with faux excitement because everything is fine, they cross their arms under the edges of their cloak so they can hide the way their hands shake. “Points for the Fighter and the Kid, so clever!”

“But why-” Bonnie tries to speak but their sister quiets them, taking their hand and keeping them close to her while watching the Traveler in the corner of her eye.

They already messed up, wonderful.

“…Oh, OH!” Mirabelle seems to finally clue in and the Traveler's attention is brought back to her as she steps forward toward them. “It’s you! The star who helped us save Siffrin.”

She gets a little too close and they have to take a very pointed step back, fearful she might do something like take their hands. They don’t think they could take that, they’re sure that everything they are would just crumble if she did such a thing again.

“Ah,” She pauses a few feet away, seeming to catch the hint to keep her distance and the Traveler smiles wider to pretend they don’t notice the slight worry in her eyes. “I’m glad to meet you again, I’m sorry we didn’t recognize you. I-I see you chan-”

“Aw, don’t worry about it Housemaiden!” They interrupt her, irritation bubbling behind the stars in their skin. They sure have changed! Standing right in front of their blinding faces and still not enough to be Siffrin! “Teehee, I was also quite surprised to run into you all! What a small world…”

“Indeed.” Odile finally speaks but they. Don’t. Look. At. Her. Because everything is fine, it's perfectly normal to only focus on the one in front of them. She thankfully does little more than make them aware of her presence.

They didn’t run into them, they ran from them and Odile is surely picking the Traveler apart within her mind. They don’t know whether to be grateful or infuriated no one has pointed out the obvious yet.

Isabeau steps up beside Mirabelle and it makes their skin crawl with the need to run. “We’re all excited to see you, we have a lot of thanks to give for your help back then.” He’s looking at them, smiling but the Traveler isn’t their stupid little stardust anymore, they can tell he’s noticed something, he’s looking for something. “I suppose in hindsight if Siffrin had invited another travelling companion it was probably going to be their friend!”

What?

“I’m not-”

“YOU HAVE A MOUTH NOW!” Bonnie’s voice startles them, pushing past their sister whose name you still can’t blinding remember but not straying too far from her. “…Did you have a mouth before?” They question quietly before turning their attention back to the Traveler with a determined spark in their eye. “I’m gonna make you the best crabbing dinner tonight!”

“Uh, wuh?” The Traveler is just confused. “I-I’m really not-”

“Do… Do stars not eat at all?” They look up at them with such distressed eyes.

“Uh, no? I mean, yes, I can eat now but...” The Traveler glances at their Stardust, looking for some sort of directions. “Traveling companion?”

“Siffrin asked us not to ask who you were but they said you might be joining us.” Mirabelle, their saving grace, explains and they feel a little mean for the way they laugh immediately.

“Did they!” They exclaim a little too loudly, part amused and part mocking as they fully turn to face Siffrin to tsk. “Stardust, I’m so glad you’ve gotten so better at telling your little family things but you really should have told me too.”

“I…” Their Stardust looks at them wide-eyed. “I thought if you showed up then you’d want-”

“That I’d want to get all buddy-buddy with your friends around a campfire?” They tease, shoving down the bitterness in their throat though they’re at least grateful its not sugar. “That’s adorable, I can’t even be that mad, it’s cute you’re thinking about me!”

Their Stardust looks embarrassed, head ducked a little into their cloak. “You’re still welcome to, even if you weren’t planning on it.” he says like a kicked puppy, avoiding their eyes lest they get hopeful.

Stars, they should have never waited here, this was a bad idea.

“Yes!” Mirabelle speaks up from the side. “Even if just for a little bit in the same direction! You are always welcome with us.”

How long would that last?

“We’re all eager to know more about you,” Odile’s voice pierces their skull, they still refuse to look at her but there’s an ever so slight harshness to her tone that has them struggling not to tremble. “And we all have our thanks to give for helping us.”

They focus on Siffrin and give polite glances to Mirabelle. Isabeau isn’t at her side anymore, pulled back a little bit Bonnie’s sister, they’ve moved a small distance away but the Traveler thinks they could at least hear Isabeau’s side if they strained to listen.

They don’t though, that’s rude and not important because they really just want to leave.

“Just stay with us for a bit?” Their Stardust speaks again, stepping up closer to them.

“No pressure though!” Mirabelle tries to assure but Siffrin’s eye burns into them.

“I have a life outside of you, you know.” Their grin is a sneer of teeth, it’s always been fake but they feel themself cracking. “I’m not here for you.”

“I want you here though.” He says firmly, seeming to steel himself up to meet their eyes again.

“Careful, Stardust.” The Traveler grits. “Your selfishness is showing! So openly too! Your family has spoiled you, haven’t they?”

They’re surprised Mirabelle doesn’t say anything, from the corner of their eye they see her back off slightly. They consider that Siffrin may have warned them and they fight back bitter laughter, do they come with warning signs now?

“Loop.”

“Greedy.”

“Stay with us.” Their Stardust speaks lowly, hushed as they step quicker. Neither of them have privacy right now but Mirabelle has backed off the distance to give them some illusion of it.

“You know why I can’t.” They admit behind a tight smile. They should really just leave, not entertain this at all and get out.

“Just until the town over or if- if it’s too much just meet us there and we can get a room together? I… I want to talk to you again. Actually talk, it’s been… too long.”

Selfish, greedy, disgusting. It be better for both of them if the Traveler vanished but… But Siffrin’s eye pleads with them to stay, the last time they saw each other they had disappeared completely with only a swapped coin to prove they were ever real.

They take a breath and step back, trying to force their smile into something at least a little more believable.

“Stars, fine! You make it so hard to resist that sad little eye of yours… I- I was heading towards Poteria so we can travel beside each other for a little bit.” They try not to let the way their Stardust perks up immediately affect them, honestly, they’re so embarrassing. “Only for a little bit! I’ll be taking care of my own expenses!”

Their Stardust nods, smiling more genuinely than they ever could. “Sure.”

“I mean it!” They do not fluster, not at all. “I’m not part of your little found family, we’re just going in the same direction.”

“Okay.” He takes it in stride, looking like the cat who caught the canary.

“Stardust.”

“Loop.”

“Isabeau!” They’re both startled as the Fighter seems to rejoin the conversation. “We’re glad to have you, Loop!” He smiles brightly though a little strained, it immediately puts them on edge.

“Right.” They don’t trust this.

“We are in a bit of a time crunch to make it to our spot before dark so we need to get moving, right M’dame?” He looks over his shoulder to Odile and the Traveler just knows something up, anxiety fizzles like static over their arms.

Odile agrees easily, of course she does. Conversation floats around them as everyone gets on the move. They’re proved right but the way Isabeau tries to subtly pull their Stardust to the side as they walk. The Traveler had found themself walking ahead of the group, not leading but creating a safe distance between them but they found themself regretting it now as there was no way to slow down to listen without being suspicious.

Fine, they don’t really care. It could be something entirely unrelated to them, nothing about these people beyond their Stardust is really their business. Even on the off chance they were talking about them, who cares still? They’re not staying long, just enough time to catch up before they vanish to… wherever they find themself.

They don’t have to school their expression up front anyway, they can glare at the world all they want and not get questioned. This is for the better.

They take a sharp breath in as the universe just loves to make a joke out of them, a smile not quite as fake but still performatory etched into their face as Bonnie stomps up and they manage to react completely normally as they tug at their cloak.

“Why do you have Frin’s face?” They immediately don’t pull their punches, the Traveler barely hears their sister scold them for tugging on a stranger but they seem unbothered by the trouble and simply let go.

“Not everywhere is as welcoming as Vaugarde!” The Traveler explains. “Being a star sure does make one stand out! I needed a better face to wear and well, yours was a bit to young to steal.” They tease with a grin. “But we can try again later when you’re taller!”

“Wha…” Bonnie takes a second to process that and the Traveler tries really hard to not laugh. “Hey! I’m almost as tall as Frin already!”

“Still a bit too young.” They muse.

“Am not!”

“No one would let me drink- hm… What did you call it? Adult juice?” They sigh tragically. “Truly your only flaw, kid.”

“I- hmph.” Bonnie pauses at that, it’s probably a strange compliment to them. “Gross, why would you even want that? It just tastes like boring water anyway…”

The Traveler, unfortunately, finally cracks and laughs.

Chapter Text

The walk is a bit uncomfortable, they can feel everyone's gaze at the back of their head and when they chance a glance back Isabeau waves at them, almost distracting them from the way Nille and Siffrin have fallen to the back of the group, whispering to each other.

Nille… Pétronille… They learned her name fast, thankfully. Bonnie shouted it easily and you overheard Odile address her when Nille lagged a bit too far behind for a moment.

The Traveler completely forgot about her, they don’t think they ever even learned about her on their own. Stars, they’re awful. They had desperately wanted to meet her once, hadn’t they? They wanted to see the person who raised Bonnie, wanted to meet the sister Bonnie loved so much.

They have now, they don’t think she likes them. She hasn’t said a word to them since their first conversation and looks nervous the one time she caught them looking at her.

It’s just two days, only two days. One night of camping out before reaching a town with a caravan that was going to give them a ride to the next where the Traveler would finally have to sit down and talk with their Stardust before disappearing again because just walking with the people they abandoned was cruel punishment, they shouldn’t have agreed in the first place, this is awful.

Odile hasn’t said a word to them, they’ve been walking for a while now and while Mirabelle and Isabeau have found their way to make brief conversations before the Traveler shooed them back to their family, they seemed to have gotten the message that it’s leave Loop alone time but the Traveler can’t help but think Odile shouldn’t be this easy to keep at a distance, not after their little encounter in the market.

Maybe she’s just waiting to catch them alone.

The Traveler… is not looking forward to setting up camp. They really can’t confront her, they have no idea what she’s thinking, what she might assume. “Oh, the star that helped her save Siffrin is actually a more broken weaker Siffrin.“ Is quite the leap in logic so she probably doesn’t know but there are probably several other alternatives she could reasonably jump to that just make them look like a creep wearing their Stardust’s skin.

It doesn’t matter what she thinks. The Traveler harshly reminds themself, they’re not staying long so it doesn’t matter what sort of theory she comes up with, nothing about them matters. If they can avoid her for two days they’ll be fine.

They struggle not to look over their shoulder again, they think they have already failed to look unbothered.

Nille and Siffrin are still talking to each other.

They could… listen in… Though it would be quite rude.

They still feel the connection between them and their Stardust but they’ve been hesitant to see if they could still use it like this, they haven’t wanted to be tempted to reach out like that or even let him know they can.

But it’s not like he’s ever been able to tell when they’re watching or not and it is a good skill to know if they still have… And if they’re honest, they do enjoy snooping a little…

The path ahead of them is clear and straight, they don’t need to focus on much more than keeping their feet moving and even that is just second nature, they know how to have whole conversations without paying attention.

It feels a little like falling asleep, though their eyes still open and body continuing on like normal.

“-Looked at everyone…” Nille’s voice sounds right next to them, they see the dulled image of her and their Stardust. “Or how they looked at you! Or the way you crabbing couched us to not say anything if they did something!” She whisper-yells, hushed and harsh. “Rubs me the wrong way.”

She looks forward toward the Traveler and Siffrin follows her gaze, they have to unfocus for a moment, seeing themself like this while their eyes still see in front of them is disorienting.

“That’s… Understandable.” Their Stardust speaks, quiet, better at whispering. “I think that might be the point? They… Liked annoying me so it might be intentional.”

“Well, it’s working.”

“They’re not bad.” The Traveler tries not to laugh at Siffrin’s defence of them because they really are.

“They keep smiling like they’re gonna stab someone, Frin.” The Traveler can hear the frustration in Nille’s voice, the awkward laugh their Stardust gives making her sigh. “Okay, I- I trust you, I know they’re your friend and that they helped everyone back with the king so maybe- maybe I’m just paranoid but…” She pauses for a moment, letting out another forceful sigh. “Crab. Whatever, if you promise they’re not dangerous.”

The silence from their Stardust… He doesn’t respond and the Traveler… Well, they can’t really blame him, even if it hurts a little bit.

“Frin.” Nille stresses.

“Ha,” He laughs weakly, looking uncomfortable. “I mean, they’re um, they’re about as dangerous as I am?”

“Frin.” Nille does not look comforted at all. “I love you to death, don’t take it personally but you can be so crabbing scary sometimes”

Ouch.

“Ouch?”

“Look, I- I would just feel better if Bonnie wasn’t alone around them.”

Everything is too quiet in this moment.

How dare she?

It nearly pulls them out of their watching, their body tenses in a way that makes it a little hard to stay disconnected and focused. They can’t stop walking forward, they can’t turn around to face her, they can’t acknowledge it at all.

How dare she.

Fury blinds them at even the implication. The Traveler isn’t the one who got Bonnie killed by the King, they always protected them, they never hurt Bonnie even through the endless torture, they never, they’d never!

How. Dare. She.

“They would never hurt Bonnie.” Siffrin’s voice cuts through their rage, a sharp pick of ice through their heated rage. Nille goes to argue but their Stardust interrupts. “They wouldn’t. I’m all for watching Bonnie just in case if it helps you but I can promise- I do promise that they would do as much to protect Bonnie as the rest of us.”

Nille is silent for a moment, staring into Siffrin’s eyes before seemingly losing some of the tension in her shoulders.

“Okay.” She says, keeping her eyes on him. “You said that so intensely I’m a little worried for different reasons now but I- I believe you.”

The Traveler feels a little numb, the anger gone just as quickly as it appeared.

“I just-”

“Nah, I know.” She interrupts him. “They got secrets or whatever you don’t wanna betray and I’m not gonna pry. I already asked Za to help… I dunno, buffer between me and Bonnie and them so it’s probably fine.”

They both silent for a moment, Siffrin taking in a breath and letting it out, Nille seeming to copy them.

“I can bring it up with Odile for you?” He offers. “If she hasn’t clued in already…”

“That be nice, yeah…” 

Stars, does Odile think they’re dangerous? Is that why she’s been studying them from the back? Is it strategic in case they turn around and attack?

“Sorry, I’m… arguing for them, I guess?” Their Stardust breaks the silence. “I don’t want to tell you not to be worried or what you're feeling is wrong, just…”

“It’s fine, they’re your friend and I… I know you two kinda went through a lot together?” The Traveler wonders how much she knows about the loops. “Sorry, I’m kinda accusing them of stuff when all they’ve done is smile weird and be a bit crabby about an impromptu trip.”

“Nah, it’s probably good?” Siffrin laughs, a little awkward still but more genuine. “Outside perspectives and all that.”

“…Yeah?”

“Yeah, I… I can’t blame them for a lot of the things they do and everyone else knows them as someone who helped save Vaugarde and… me too, I guess. So it’s good? That at least someone seeing them with fresh eyes?”

Nille seems to take a moment to process, Siffrin smiles at her, soft and reassuring and she smiles back, laughing with little huffs of relief.

How lovely for her.

“…Thanks, Frin.”

“Huh? Oh, uh- Yeah.” Their Stardust flusters with the genuine gratitude. “Am I… actually scary?”

Nille laughs loud enough to echo through the Travelers senses. “A bit but Za’s seems pretty into it so-”

They stop listening, they shouldn’t have listened in the first place.

Ode doesn’t want to hear how happy their Stardust and his Fighter are, they already know how dangerous they are. Apparently, everyone can tell just by looking at them! 

They cross their arms over their chest and try to focus on breathing, they’re not angry, they’re not hurt, they’re not going to cry.

It doesn’t matter, they’re not staying for long and Isabeau is constantly placed between her and them anyway so she’s fine. It doesn’t hurt, they thought they’d never get the chance to meet Bonnie’s sister anyway so why would they care that she seems to already hate them?

It’s fine, she said she believed their Stardust and she’s not going to have to put up with them long.

It’s fine.

They focus on walking, the sun is warm against their skin. Ka Bue has more of a chill than they were used to but their cloak keeps them warm. No one bothers them for a good amount of time, voices wash over them but they don’t pay any mind despite the nagging paranoia that they’re being talked about.

It’s unlikely though, Bonnie’s voice is loud amongst the group and the kid is much more likely to either say nothing or say it to the Traveler’s face than speak behind their back.

Leave Loop alone time seems to end unfortunately as Mirabelle skips up to walk beside them, they hope not for long, the sun was getting a little low in the sky so if they’re lucky she’s just telling them they’re about to camp.

They really don’t want to be Loop right now but they straighten their posture and smile at her.

“Housemaiden,” They greet with a tip of their hat. “How may I assist you?”

“Hi, Loop!” Mirabelle smiles, one much more genuine and lovely than theirs. “We’re planning on setting up camp soon but I um, I also just wanted to check in to see how you’re doing?”

“Aw, how kind of you!” They can’t help the way they sound a little condescending, they’d rather her ask literally any other question. “I’m doing just lovely, thank you for asking.” They say, like the liar they are.

“…Are you sure?” She doesn’t buy it, of course not, why is it always her who works up the nerve to ask first? They hate lying to her. “Sorry to push! You just… seemed pretty angry earlier and you’ve been staying away from us.” She’s worried, she’s worried and they’ve only been here for a few hours, these two days are going to be awful. “I just… Hope we’re not forcing you to stay.”

“I’m fine.” They try to assure her and can tell immediately she doesn’t believe it so they smile wider and force themself to laugh. “You’ll have to forgive some lack of social graces on my part, I know stars look very close together in the sky but we’re actually quite solitary!”

“Oh.” Mirabelle looks at them, her eyes searching. She’s right beside them but they’re lightyears beyond her reach, a speck of light in the darkness at most. She cannot see them, can’t see the writhing mass of fiery pain that is their star and that’s for the best. No matter how much they want her in their orbit, they would only burn her. “I-I didn’t think about that!”

“Oh?”

“You’re not human!” It takes everything in them not to flinch. “You probably have different social cues and maybe even habits… Is that why Siffrin acted the way they did? It’s… really rare to see them push someone like that, I was worried.”

The Traveler… laughs, genuinely, a little hysterically but they think they reign it in to be mostly normal. Of course. Of course, their inhuman nature would work best with her, like a monster from her books come to life and placed right next to her, uncanny and dangerous but fascinating. They wonder if one of her books has a mimic, something that turns itself into the image of another as a form of flattery. They already claimed to have copied Siffrin’s appearance, no backing out of this now.

“Loop?” She tries their attention and they realize they zoned out a little. “Did- did I say something wrong?”

“Oh, no, you’re right on the mark! It just surprised me.” At least, they don’t think they tuned her out long enough to say anything that might be hard to work with but there’s no going back now. “My Stardust and I just tend to bicker, we’re great at annoying each other but in a playful sorta way! I assure you I wouldn’t be here if I truly didn’t want to be.”

They wish that was a lie, they wish something was forcing them here besides their own selfishness, they wish they didn’t want to be here so badly that it hurts.

“If… you’re sure.”

“I am!” She again gives them the look like she doesn’t believe them and it’s starting to irritate them, she doesn’t know anything but here she is, looking at them like they could be friends! “But enough of that boring talk! It’s been so long, how has everyone been? Did my Stardust and the Fighter end up together? Surely there’s some tea!”

They watch her eyes light up a little, got her.

They only half pay attention as she talks about her family. They’ve all been working on talking to each other better, Siffrin’s doing well, and it’s so nice to see Bonnie so happy with their sister, Siffrin and Isabeau are sort of together but also not? She seems unsure but they’ve been on dates and are taking things slow. Nille fits right in with them and has joined her and Odile’s book club, Mirabelle proceeds to get into talking about the book they’re reading.

It’s just nice to hear her voice, she seems determined to catch the Traveler up on everything and thankfully Odile calls for them to help set up camp before she starts asking about their own travels. She looks a little embarrassed when she realizes how long they let her go on but they just give her what they hope is a soft smile before slipping by to set up their own tent.

They missed her…

They shove that thought down as they wait to figure out where everyone seems to be setting up so they can pick somewhere further away from everyone, it’ll be colder so far from the fire but they have long since learned their star burns warm enough that the cold doesn’t do much to them anymore besides make them uncomfortable.

They just try to tune everything out as they work, voices and movement are just background noise until familiar stomping knocks them out of their daze. Bonnie approaches them again and from the corner of their eye, they catch Nille watching them like a hawk.

They swallow down the taste of sugar and try to hide how nauseous they feel with a smile.

“What’s your favourite meal?” Bonnie spares no time in asking their question. “I already had plans today and it- it’s gonna be really good! My cookings the best! But maybe I can make your favourite tomorrow, Dile said we should be in town for dinner so if I don’t have the stuff to make it for lunch I can make it then!”

“Oh my, all this effort for me?” The Traveler’s smile is a little more real for a moment though it quickly needs to be forced again because they… don’t have an answer.

Their diet isn’t the most varied, it’s mostly whatever the place they’re in considers travelling rations with the more than occasional impulse snack bought while moving through towns. They haven’t considered food much more than something to soothe hunger in a while, they can’t recall what their favourite food was… Likely for the best, having the same taste as Siffrin as well as their face would be a bit much…

They think about Ode watching the sunset and sitting with a stranger and sharing a pie, they think about the pastries that she had sent them off with. They were made with berries and jam but the type of berries escape them so it’s of little use there. Even if they could remember, they… don’t think they’d want to share it, they want to keep it to themself, want that memory to stay theirs and not try to replicate it.

The Bladesmith asked them to come back, would the Forager want to see them again?

“I… can’t say I have the most experience with different types of foods.” They shrug, settling for ignorance. They’re not even sure if they actually need to eat with the way their body is but hunger always gnaws at them when they take notice of food so it’s never quite been something they were willing to test out. “I’ve been mostly eating dried rations on my travels…”

“That’s the saddest thing I’ve ever heard.”

Bonnie instantly destroys them and they can only hum in response because what are they supposed to say to that? It is pretty sad.

“You really don’t have a favourite meal?” They urge, looking almost distressed by the idea. “What about a snack? Or just any food in general? You gotta have something!” 

“Well, I…” They don’t like the way Bonnie looks at them, they of all people shouldn’t feel bad for them. They wish they had a better answer but they just… don’t remember. “I can think of one thing but it’s not really something you’d cook.”

“What’s that?!” Their eyes light up but the Traveler struggles.

They think about numbly walking to their death once again, of the Kid grabbing their attention, the crinkle of a candy wrapper between their fingers. Something new, something sweet to focus on, the first comfort in a long, long, long time.

“There… was a cantaloupe hard candy someone gave to me once.” Ah, their smile dropped, they catch it and grin once more and force the energy back into their voice. “Best thing I’ve had in a long time.”

A candy wrapper is a stupid thing to miss, it’s been so long since they’ve even thought about it.

“I used to have candy like that!” Bonnie’s eyes are fired up with determination though after a moment they simmer down worry. “I’m not sure they have them here in Ka Bue but- but I’ll look!” They promise, eager to please. They must actually see the Traveler as something good, someone who tried to help them and their friends.

Oh, Bonnie…

“Teehee, don’t worry about it too much, kid!” They assure. “Stardust always had such high regard for your cooking, I’m sure anything you make tonight will probably become my favourite!”

That’s not even a lie, is it? Stars, they get to have Bonnie’s cooking again, while sitting with their friends, after so long, after everything they’ve done, after giving it all up they get the chance to have it again, they get to… to have…

“Mph! My cooking gonna blow your crabbing socks off!” Bonnie is practically bouncing on their feet. “Whatever Frin said before I’ve gotten a bazillion times better! And if it’s not tonight's meal there’s tomorrow's snacks!”

“Oh my, I better prepare my socks.”

They don’t deserve this.

“You crabbing better!”

Nille finally steps in, calling Bonnie back to get ready for dinner. They don’t feel her eyes leave them until Bonne has gone past her.

The Traveler turns back to their tent, already pitched and ready for the evening… They don’t remember finishing putting it up, did they do so while talking with Bonnie or did they already finish? They suppose it doesn’t matter.

It isn’t long before the scent of food fills the air, reaching their nose even from their little isolated spot.

It just reminds them they shouldn’t be here.

Who do they think they are? Showing up and accepting Siffrin’s want for them, taking advantage of Mirabelle’s interest, craving Bonnie’s food. What next? Are they going to let Isabeau touch them?

Disgust crawls under their skin. Two days.

Don’t get excited, don’t want, don’t get used to it. It’s not theirs, it’s temporary. They’re only indulging their Stardust and then they’re alone again, they gave this up already, they can’t ruin it again.

They want to cry.

They won’t though, they have an act to put on, a meal to eat, a stranger sits amongst friends and pretends everything is fine!

Siffrin is with their family, stealing looks at them on occasion.

Ode avoids Odile eyes despite how they want to turn and snap at her to stop looking.

Jolis smiles and bites their tongue, silently screaming for Isabeau to notice them.

Plum has so much to apologize for but they’ve already broken their promises to Mirabelle, they’ll save her the grief of knowing.

There’s nothing for Bonnie, an empty shell in the shape of a person that they try to fill as thanks.

Stars, Loop is exhausted.

Chapter Text

The first bite of dinner nearly sends the Traveler into tears, they don’t think they could even be mad if this is what finally broke them It’s that good. It’s not even that fancy, a rice bowl of some kind with beef and onion. They’re pretty sure they’ve had something like it while travelling through Ka Bue but this is Bonnie’s, it’s Bonnie’s and they made it for them.

“Aaah! It’s so good, B-” The praise comes easy but they choke on their name. “-Kid! Stars, you weren’t exaggerating…”

The Traveler doesn't quite remember how good they were before, they’re sure this isn’t even Bonnie’s best but they struggle not to eat too fast, they need to savour this, this feels like the best thing they’ve eaten in their life.

They really might start crying! Embarrassing!

The praise of the rest of the group follows them, Bonnie looks so happy as they start to eat as well.

It’s nice, the Traveler paces themself though their meal is gone too soon but not even that doesn’t sour their mood as their Stardust takes their bowl from them and grabs them seconds without needing to be asked and in that moment Siffrin truly is the most beautiful star in the sky.

Chatter fills the air around them, the fire does nothing to warm their limbs but the heat of it is still nice, they focus on the flickering of the flames as they eat. Their Stardust sitting close beside them, just as quiet as them and listening to the conversations.

They wish they could live in this moment forever.

“I believe it’s been put off long enough, Loop.” Odile cuts through the warm glow of comfort they had almost settled into. They’re startled into looking at her, the biggest mistake they could have made because they meet her eyes. “None of us wanted to push it earlier but…”

Their star burns as burnt sugar coats their tongue, ruining their meal instantly. Stars, can’t they have this? Can’t they just have this one moment? Does the universe find it this funny to ruin everything for them? They know they’re being selfish, they know they don’t deserve it but stars, please, why did she have to see them?

They watch her too closely, her brow twitches, and for a moment she looks worried but it’s gone too quickly. The Traveler waits for the accusations but Odile simply smiles.

“Thank you, Loop.”

…What?

“Oh! Is it time now?” Mirabelle calls from the side, her voice startling them. “Thank you, Loop!!!”

Isabeau and Bonnie’s voices echo the sentiment, loud and attention-consuming. Nille has her ears covered from the yelling but she smiles nonetheless.

“… You’re welcome?” The Traveler laughs, confused and strained. “Did I- Did I miss something here?”

They jump when Siffrin’s elbow digs into their side, they glower at his expression, looking at them like they should understand what’s going on.

“You helped us save Frin, stupid!” Bonnie yells, seemingly angry but also stomping up to slide more food into the Traveler’s bowl. Stars, they love them. “And then you crabbing ran away before we could thank you so we gotta thank you now!”

“Oh, genuine thanks… Gross!” They really don’t know how to respond to this, their face is heating up uncomfortably but they try to smile anyway. “I suppose I won’t complain about being spoiled though!” They tease before taking another bite of food so they can buy a bit more time.

They suppose this isn’t the worst, everyone's attention is on them but unlike before it doesn’t feel negative. They’d still rather be anywhere else but in their eyes but if they get this over with now they won’t have to deal with it later.

“We may not have made it in time without your help back then.” Odile draws their attention again and this time they’re a little less nervous to look at her. “We owe you a great deal for helping return Siffrin to us.” It still feels like she’s looking too deep into them but her eyes are soft, no cutting edge they had prepared themself to see.

“We… We really do…” Mirabelle stands from her spot, coming forward to kneel in front of where they sit. “The house had been so distorted, Siffrin had been… Without you, Loop, I… I don’t know if we could have made it.” Her eyes are shiny and gentle as she meets theirs, they think for a moment she might reach out and take their hands, they don’t know if they could find it in them to stop her. “If- If there’s any way we can repay you, if there’s anything we could do for you at all…”

She doesn’t.

They know her hands are warm, even through their gloves. They want to feel the roughness of her calluses against the fabric, the selfish thing that is Jolis wants so badly to squeeze her hands and feel her squeeze back.

“Be careful what you promise a star.” They warn her because they don’t deserve such things, not after all they’ve done, not after how many times they’ve walked her and her family to their deaths, not when they gave up on her like they did. “We’re selfish things.”

They can’t make themself smile here, they can’t imagine what they look like but she doesn’t falter. She smiles for them, it’s nothing fake or creepy like theirs but a little sad. Can she tell? Can she see them?

“I don’t know if I believe that,” Mirabelle says so easily, it makes them scoff. “But I’ll reserve the right to refuse if it seems like anyone would get hurt!”

“I’ll accept that, I suppose... But enough mushy feelings, you’re all so cute, you’ll make me blush!” They smile, they smile, they shove on a smile and keep a grip on their bowl to help suppress the urge to reach out to her. “I don’t need thanks! Really, have you seen my Stardust here? Who wouldn’t help them out? Like a kitten in a very climbable tree…”

“Catfrin…” Mirabelle giggles, thankfully letting them have their out of the conversation.

“Catfrin!” Isabeau jumps in.

The Traveler laughs as their Stardust glares at them.

It’s… nice still, minus the little bit of panic earlier and the mortifying ordeal of everyone’s gratitude. They excuse themself after they finally finish eating, everyone bidding them goodnight as they retreat into their tent.

They shove off their hat and boots and lay down still in their day clothes. They… don’t want to see their stars right now, they don’t want to see the way they aren’t human anymore, they just want to bask in the feeling of almost being okay.

They wish they had a drink with them, they think maybe they could have actually handled that better if they had something to haze their thoughts and numb their anxiety. It’s moments like this when they wish they committed to buying themself a flask but if there’s anything they can do its admit their faults, keeping alcohol on them would likely lead to drinking it while travelling alone which is a risk they’re unwilling to take.

They’ve learned already what they’ll do when they allow their guard to lower… It’s an idea to avoid, even if they could technically get away with it for a day with the party at their side.

No, don’t even consider it. They won’t stick around long enough for it to matter, maybe if Odile is generous they can steal something from her stash but they can’t have their own. Drinking helps sometimes and they desperately need to keep it sometimes only.

Stop thinking about it.

They breathe in, and out. 

Relaxation comes easier than usual, It’s nostalgia, they think. A warm sad feeling as they listen to their friend's distant sounds. Did they use to do this? Set up a bit further away and just listen to the others as they prepare for bed, it feels like something they’d do. It’s what they did but Plum can’t remember that well, all they can do is grieve forgotten memories.

The Traveler sighs and tries to just focus on their breathing, they’ll need all the rest they can get if they’re to deal with tomorrow.

And that certainly seems like the plan until they feel the crackle of craft prodding at their hand and buzzing annoyingly at their mind.

Stars, really?

With a great amount of annoyance, they curl their fingers, sticking out their thumb and pinkie and bringing their hand to their ear.

“Hello, hello! Loop speaking!” They say with bright false cheer before immediately dropping the tone. “What do you want.”

“Oh, I wasn’t sure if this still worked.” They can practically imagine Siffrin’s fidgeting.

“Stardust, it’s craft, of course it works.”

“You… never answered before.” He mutters and they… feel a little bad. Has he been trying to call them this whole time? They can see it, the needy thing their Stardust is.

“We didn’t pay for the long-distance plan.”

“Um, wha-”

“Stars,” The Traveler interrupts. “I didn’t retreat into my tent just for us to chat through the night like giggling teens, it’s late!”

“Do you even sleep-”

“Also!!! We’re camping together! Why do you keep calling me when you can just walk over?!”

“Oh yeah.”

“Wait-” Too late, their Stardust hangs up and the Traveler drops their hand and lets out a long-suffering sigh as they feel his presence approach their tent.

They level him with a glare as he pulls open the flap to their tent, they seem unbothered by their displeasure though and promptly start crawling in with them.

“Hey!” The Traveler is practically shoved to the side. Their tent is small and easy to carry, meant for one person alone but their Stardust doesn’t seem to care about that!

They end up sinking down as much as they can to try and keep their personal space, curled up a small on their side as Siffrin ends up on his hands and knees over them. They only just barely avoid touching them, their legs are pinned from the walls of the tent and the blanket that is now held down by Siffrin’s weight and their upper body caged in by his arms as he hovers over them.

They regret being here, this is embarrassing though their Stardust doesn’t seem phased at all about their positioning. Shameless! They should really shove them out! Their only mercy is that all the parts of them that still glow are safely smothered behind cloth so hopefully Siffrin can’t see their flustered state.

“Hey, stranger.” Their Stardust says too easily for practically having them pinned. “You sleep in your gloves?”

“What I sleep in is not your business!” This is exactly why they wore them, it probably doesn’t matter as much for him to see their star-stained hands but they just… don’t want to be seen. “Did you come in here purely to judge my sleepwear because I will throw you out.”

“No, uh, I need to talk to you.” He finally seems at least a little sheepish, not that they forgive him.

“A talk that requires you pinning me in my own tent?”

“Oh…” It’s dark. There isn’t much light to see but they can imagine clearly the flush as their Stardust actually realizes the position they’re in. “Ah, there isn’t a lot of room to- uh, not pin you…”

“Universe forbid we just talk outside.” They shove their face further into their pillow. Siffrin’s longer hair irritatingly half dangling in their face.

“Will you come outside with me?”

“No.”

“Then we’re talking like this because we can’t do this again.” That shuts the Traveler up, they avoid their Stardust’s gaze as he continues. “You said we can’t do this again, you said we’d have to talk to them, even if it felt like we’d rather die.”

“I remember…” They had thought it was finally over, it wasn’t what they wanted but disappearing had been peaceful even if just for a little bit.

“I’ve been doing that, Loop.” Their Stardust sounds so serious and they wish it was their good eye that had smushed into the pillow so they didn’t have to see them. “It's been so blinding hard, I've hurt them so much with the things I've had to say but I did it, I'm still here, and they still love me.”

“Good for you.” Stars, he really can’t help rubbing it in, can he? Look at Siffrin! So loved! Broken in all the ways people still find endearing! Still recongizable!!!

“You can talk to them too.” They’d rather die again. “I know you’re… probably not ready to tell them everything but some things? Small things?”

“Odile tell you that?” The Traveler feels the way he shifts over them, he doesn’t need to answer for them to know, they’ve both heard these lines. “I’m not staying long enough for it to matter.”

For a blissful moment, there’s only the sound of the wild around them.

They don’t look at him, firmly keeping their gaze on the side of the tent. From the corner of their eye they think they can see the faintest little lights of some of their brighter stars behind their gloves but they don’t focus on it, do their best to pretend nothing’s there.

Their Stardust doesn’t want them to leave, they can practically feel their clinginess sticking to them like sap. He wants them to stay, wants to keep them with his little family, probably thinking his perfect happy ending isn’t quite complete without them.

They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, Siffrin must have conveniently forgotten how much they want to kill him.

“Mira will still be interested in knowing you even if you tell her you're human.”

Right through their non-existent heart. They forgot their Stardust can be equally cutting and occasionally as perceptive. The Traveler imagines it might be easier now that he actually knows who they are, unfortunate.

“I’m not human.” They mutter, quiet like a confession they don’t actually want heard. They make a decent enough impression of one if they don’t look too closely but they’re not, not anymore.

“You are.” It could almost make them laugh, their Stardust is too sweet sometimes.

“Not.” They try to snap but they’re tired, they just sound miserable instead of angry. “Just because it hurts, doesn’t mean it’s not true.”

“Are. Mira would-”

“Just stop.” They don’t want to hear it, they can’t, they really just can’t. “I’ve already set the stage for what I am, Stardust. If I take it back now I’m just a lying freak who smiles like they’re going to stab someone.” At least being something inhuman buys them some leeway for what a freak they are.

The quiet returns for a moment, they feel the way their Stardust grips the blankets on either side of them.

“You heard that…”

“You make great entertainment!” They can’t help but grin at his poorly contained guilt. “Even if I didn’t, you think I wouldn’t have noticed Isa get all… poorly hidden Defendery posture while watching me?” They’re glad they watched now, they don’t want to think about how it feel if Isabeau was just… instinctively like that rather than asked to be. “But that's good, right? That someone’s seeing what a danger I am with fresh eyes.”

“You’re not going to hurt anyone.”

“You don’t know that.” They try not to think about the tackiness of blood soaking through their clothing.

“I do.” Their Stardust is so funny they forget to laugh.

“You really don’t.” They don’t think about desperately wishing the stains from their clothes.

“Then- Then I’ll stop you… Before you do.” He promises, they can feel it, something warming in their chest, it bubbles like melted sugar, they think they can taste it burning.

Don’t. They tell themself. Don’t give in.

“You’ll… Stop me?” They bitterly laugh and finally tilt their head to look at the outline of their Stardust, something shining slightly in their eye. “You couldn’t even stop me from hurting you.”

“I will. This time I will, if it helps you.” They shrink back in on themself as Siffrin leans forward, not allowing them any escape, they can feel the warmth of his body through the blankets. “I won’t hold back again if that’s what I need to do for you need to stay.”

Jolis sucks in a shuddery breath, all this to make them stay? “Not even letting me think I won fair, huh?” Stars, would it be okay if they did stay? Would it be safe? Could they cling to their Stardust’s side like a parasite and let them deal with the consequences? “I’ll… Consider it.”

They shouldn’t, they shouldn’t, they really shouldn’t even entertain the thought but stars, they’ve always been selfish and they miss everything they used to have so bad-

No, no, no, don’t think about it, those thoughts are dangerous.

“I’ll take it,” Their Stardust sounds a little too smug about it, like he’s already won. “Considering is a good start.”

“Oh, shut up.” They finally stop trying to sink into the ground enough to raise their arm, shoving at Siffrin’s face before he can get even closer. “We’re supposed to have our gross heart-to-heart at the inn tomorrow, get out of my tent.”

“Aw, not even a kiss goodnight?” Their Stardust teases, pressing against their arm. It’s enough to startle an actual genuine laugh out of them as they half support Siffrin’s weight to keep him from practically laying on top of them.

“Is your Fighter not keeping your bed warm enough for you, Stardust?” They shove him though there isn’t really a lot of room to go anywhere, their free hand awkwardly reaching around Siffrin’s arm to fumble with the tent. “Playing us both like this… Teehee, you’re such a little heartbreaker!”

“I thought we had something special.” He throws their own words back at them, of course of all the things they remember it’s the Travelers teasing.

“Time loops leave you rather lonely.” They grin with victory as they manage to unlatch the opening. “Unfortunately for you, I’ve gained some standards since then!”

“What st-” The Traveler doesn’t wait to let him finish grabbing their Stardust’s nightshirt and half throwing, half shoving them outside into the dirt.

“We can confess our undying love and run away into the night tomorrow, Stardust.” They tease with a wink as Siffrin sputters on the ground. Wouldn’t that be lovely, to take him with them? “Goodnight!”

“Loop!” He calls for them, choking a little on their own cackles.

They ignore them though, relatching their tent and stretching out with the newly regained legroom they have. He doesn’t try to invade their space again and they’re not disappointed, not even a little. It’s not like their tent has room for him to stay anyway and they don’t really care to discover if he shares a tent with Isabeau.

They breathe in and out, trying to calm the tightness in their chest. The warmth of their Stardust lingers on top of their blankets.

They have tomorrow.

The morning is a quick affair, they wake up early with the sound of movement and pack up their tent as Bonnie and Nille make a quick breakfast that’s ready as the others emerge.

Plum tries not to mourn how intertwined they all are, how they don’t mesh perfectly with the schedule the rest all have but it’s easy to ignore the feeling when Bonnie slips them a second helping of rice as everyone else packs up, they love this kid so much. They feel like a raccoon with the way they skitter off with the offering to eat in peace.

The peace only lasts for so long, they find themself lingering towards the back of the party in hopes of avoiding the feeling of eyes on their back but for some reason, this just invites Odile to trail back with them.

“We’re trying to reach town before noon. An old acquaintance of mine will be giving us a ride to our next stop.” Odile informs them and they struggle not to tense too noticeably. “I know you were listening before but I thought I should fill you in on the details.”

“Right.” Stars, they’re definitely too tense, they can feel the judgement of her eyes burrowing into them. Smile, they forgot to smile, they put on a smile and resist cringing at the way her gaze narrows because they were too late. It’s absolutely more suspicious to smile out of nowhere like that!

“You said you’re heading to Poteria, are you planning to linger in Ka bue?” She asks as she pulls something from her pack, they swear to the universe if she takes notes they’re going to lose it.

“No, I plan on getting out of this place as soon as possible!” They’re too cheery now, aren’t they? Anxiety buzzes under their skin, they can only minorly relax when she simply pulls out and unfolds a map.

“This is where we’re heading.” She tilts the map to show them the town, pointing it out and tracing her finger along the road until it reaches the water. “This is the nearest port, it’s where we’re heading as well. It might benefit you to travel with us longer since it seems we’re going in the same direction.”

What. Stars, wait, what?

She’s… inviting them to stay longer?

“Did my Stardust put you up to this?” They can’t help the little giggle that escapes them, they hope it mostly sounds sane. There’s no way, she wouldn’t just… Surely, she sees what a danger they are. She's always the first to see it.

“While they have expressed wanting you to stay,” She smiles, smirks? Is she teasing them? “We haven’t conspired or anything if that’s what you’re thinking. You’ve piqued my curiosity, Loop.” Oh no. “I’d like the chance to know you.”

The chance to… 

The emptiness in their star thuds in a way that could be mistaken for a heartbeat if they didn’t know better.

“If you’re not too much in a rush to leave I can show you some spots the average tourist tends to miss if that might tempt you.”

Siffrin tastes a burning sugar coating their throat, their hands ache something horrible and they struggle to keep their hands from shaking.

“Loop?” She’s looking at them, looking for something, is she seeing them? Stars, they want nothing more than for their star to consume them so she would stop blinding looking. “…Your eye-”

“I don’t really care!” They smile and lie, keep smiling Loop! Don’t give her anything! Don’t show her that they would take anything she’d give, don’t let her see how much they want to know her and her home! She’s not theirs! That would be a weird thing to want from a stranger! “I’m kind of sick of this place though! Teehee, no offence.”

“I see.” She’s frowning again, still watching too closely. They stare back, they challenge her, they dare her to try something. “The offer stands if you change your mind while travelling.”

“How gracious of you.”

“Hm.”

And she leaves.

Just like that.

Stars. 

They swallow around the sickly sweetness and watch her walk up ahead to her family.

Specifically to Siffrin, because of course.

The Traveler knows they’re talking about them immediately because their Stardust looks back at them and soon enough starts to fall back too, steps lining up with theirs even as they pettily slow down to create more distance between themself and their old friends.

This was a mistake, they already feel exhausted. They should just turn around and walk away, disappear down the road in the other direction. They shouldn’t be here if even the offer of companionship hurts this much.

Their Stardust doesn’t say anything, simply slips their hand into theirs and foils their plans to dash away forever.

“Sorry,” Plum should say. “I ruined an intended kindness.”

“This is your fault.“ Ode wants to accuse. ”You took her from me.“

“Please still want me,” Jolis can’t beg. “Let me keep what I can.”

The Traveler stays quiet, ignoring it when their Stardust squeezes their hand.

Chapter Text

“You here?” Their Stardust asks them for maybe the third time in their walk together, squeezing their hand like it will somehow fix anything.

They don’t want to be here, they don’t want to talk to the people who used to love them, they don’t want to be known by them.

Stars, they hate it here.

“Unfortunately.” They don’t bother smiling this time, the only one looking at them is their Stardust.

They try not to miss the way it used to be always like that, just them under the shade of the favor tree waiting for their Stardust to drop by either looking for advice or just a moment of quiet. They can’t miss it, it’s an awful thing to miss one’s own torture but…

But what? They don’t even know anymore.

It’s just one more day and then they can return to drifting. Maybe they’ll find somewhere to settle in Poteria, they don’t know why they even bothered travelling so much after it all… Maybe something in them had thought about the pilgrimage Mirabelle spoke of once, maybe they just didn’t know how to do anything else.

“You want to talk about it?” Siffrin’s voice grates against their skull.

“You’ve really embraced the whole “Talking about your feelings” thing, haven’t you?“ Their voice is flat, they swallow the lump in their throat to try and put at least some sort of energy into it. ”I’m so proud!“

They are, they think. It’s good that their Stardust is healing in all the ways they can’t. They want to be happy, truly they do!

Why does everything have to hurt?

“I’m-” They need to talk, don’t they? Their Stardust has been doing it, got all upset that they were lying. The Traveler knows how frustrating it must be, to watch the side of you that’s worse just fumbling around. “I’m tired.”

Too true, they hate to say it but it’s something, isn’t it? It’s like pulling teeth to admit but they did it. It only took years and even then it’s just themself that they’re talking to but stars, they said it! They don’t actually know if they have said it to Siffrin before or not but who cares what they can’t remember!

Loop is tired, they’re exhausted, they want to find somewhere warm and soft to just sleep forever until they wither into nothing.

“We’re almost at the meeting point.” Their Stardust squeezes their hand again and the Traveler takes a deep breath. “We can steal the back of the uh- uhm…” He struggles with the word and they provide no assistance because they also can’t remember it off the top of their head. “Whatever, you can take a nap when we’re there…”

“Sure, Stardust.” They don’t think this is the type of tired they’ll ever be able to sleep off but they finally squeeze their Stardust’s hand back.

Somehow that’s enough for Siffrin to stop staring and relax a little. The Traveler does their best to keep their hat tilted down to avoid whatever curious gazes from the ghosts ahead of them and trusts their Stardust to keep them from walking into a tree or something.

“Stardust?” They break the silence ever so slightly, they don’t look up, they can’t bear what they might see in his eyes. “Have we been to Ka Bue before?”

The silence is telling, the Traveler feels the hesitation in the air and they already know the answer and know that Siffrin knows why they need to ask.

“…Yes, before the loops.”

“Ha...” They can’t remember. “Good to know.”

They stop thinking about it and just walk.

The noise of a town is enough to draw the Traveler’s mind back, they can afford to tune out the world while isolated on the road but they fight against the fog lest they add to their endless list of people they’ve killed.

Is it endless if the majority is of the same four people repeatedly?

Three, Bonnie always got away.

Four, if they take responsibility for how many times their Stardust died avoidable deaths.

So four repeated confirmed kills with one unconfirmed but very likely! Five whole victims!

Six if they’re conceited enough to include what they inflicted on themself!

…They stop thinking about it.

Their Stardust finally frees their hand with a quick “Be right back.” That they only manage to process after he’s already stepped ahead to speak with their little family. It, embarrassingly, puts them off balance, they’d grown numb to the pressure holding their hand but now they ache with it missing.

Stars, they’re pathetic.

They take a deep breath and hold it.

Odile speaks with a stranger, perhaps the acquaintance she mentioned, perhaps about how there’s suddenly another person joining the trip.

Mirabelle is… not here? They look around and don’t spot her immediately, Bonnie as well… Perhaps they’re taking a longer break in this town than they thought if those two could wander off.

Isabeau is loading the luggage, their Stardust falling in step to help him. The Traveler sees them mutter to each other, for a moment they’re worried they’re being talked about again but Isa laughs, almost loud before he muffles it to not disturb the quiet of the town.

It’d definitely not about them if they both look so pleased.

They almost forget about Nille, or well, they… admittedly did forget about Nille for a moment, the stranger approaching them puts them on guard until they remember who she is.

They breathe out.

Stars, they feel awful, they should be able to remember her better, she’s important, she’s so important, she should have meant the world even before they met her.

“Hey, Loop.” She greets them, her smile is a bit sheepish, not fake but not happy… Polite maybe?

“Ah, the sister!” They try to smile too, not too wide, they’re too tired to be angry so they hope she finds them at least a little less creepy. “How can I help you this lovely day?”

“I just…” She shifts on her feet and rubs the back of her neck, she looks uncomfortable just speaking to them. They have to wonder if their Stardust somehow pressured her into this. “Wanna introduce myself, I guess? Got uh, I got caught up in stuff yesterday and realized I acted a bit like a crab and didn’t even say hi or introduce myself.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah…”

“Well, hello!” The Traveler gives a tiny wave and tries not to feel too awkward. “I’m Loop, here to…” They trail off a little, they suppose she was there when their Stardust asked them to stay so they don’t really need to justify their presence but it feels strange, to just be here. “I suppose just have a sleepover with my Stardust tonight? Expectations are unclear.”

“I uh, I’m Pétronille but Bonnie’s got everyone just callin’ me Nille.” She laughs, it’s forced and uncomfortable. Stars, the Traveler thinks that neither of them want to be here right now. “Except Odile but she’s like, old, so she gets a pass.”

The two of them fall into silence, awkward, nerve-wracking silence. They think they should say something, if Jolis were braver they might tell her how glad they are to meet her, they might tell her how much Bonnie means to them, they might tell her how much they had wanted to know the sister that raised the most wonderful kid.

It’s probably nothing Siffrin hasn’t told her though and it’s too likely Loop didn’t matter nearly as much, help on the final day, no real connection to anyone but their Stardust.

“Okay, I don’t wanna put you on the spot but you were absolutely lying yesterday about stealing faces right? Like you were just messing with us, yeah?” She says so suddenly it makes them jump, they only just realize they have been staring too much at her, stars.

“Oh, ah, well- Teehee, did I worry you? Oh my!” They try to hide the way they stumble, forcing their smile wider to hopefully deflect a bit. “I was maybe fibbing! Just having a little fun! I don’t think I could steal anyone else's look even if I wanted to so nothing to fear here!”

She doesn’t look amused or assured at all, her polite smile has twisted into something more suspicious and glaring. They shouldn’t smile so much, not when they know she’s seen through how fake they are and is barely hiding her own expression but they’re not sure what else to do! They don’t even know how to handle Odile! How are they supposed to handle this stranger!?

“Why do you look like Frin then? That sounds like it had to be them but you look…” She glares at them, it makes their stomach roll in disgust, they hate it when people look too close. “Crafted…”

Uncanny, skin too smooth, expressions forced, not a scratch from a year's worth of travelling and just… off. The Traveler is something other, not even human anymore despite how they try to imitate it, anyone can see it if they care enough to look, they can’t help but be worried that if they held still enough they might resemble something carved from clay and painted more then a breathing person.

But they have to hand it to her! She’s brave! They’ve so clearly stated themself as something monstrous but she stands in front of them and dares to ask why!

“What an interesting observation!” The struggle to swallow the rising emotion, the nerve of this woman… They can’t tell if they’re angry or scared! They smile because they can’t give her anything else, they see the way she tenses and they only feel a little bad about it. “I don’t think I’m going answer that though! It doesn’t have a very satisfying answer.”

She looks ready to push, she looks ready to snap back, she looks down on them and they can’t help but bristle, too obviously defensive. Stars, they have no idea how to handle this, they don’t know her, they barely remembered she existed, there’s no standard for how they should act, there’s no way for them to know how to get under her skin, no clue on how to make her leave them alone.

They have nothing! They don’t know her!! They will never know her!!!

“Crab…” She curses and breaks the eye contact suddenly, the Traveler feels the weight of panic drop on them. “I- crab, I was trying-” She groans and pinches her brow, taking a deep breath. “I really just meant to have a normal chat with you.”

The Traveler freezes, unsettled by the sudden shift.

“No one told me a crabbing thing about you.” That… doesn’t sting. “Like I got some vague idea of a star person who showed up last second to help save the day but beyond that!? Nothing!”

“Ah, that-” They don’t know what to do, stars, they never know what to do. “Sounds frustrating.”

“It is! Suddenly some person shows up with the same face as my friend and the adults are just!!! Normal??? About this?!” … Adults? “Like you’re weird!!! Ah, wait- crab, sorry. I don’t know, you show up and say you’re not human and… I don’t know! What the crab!?”

Adults. She says, the adults to her are handling this weird. The Traveler looks at her closer, they’re not really the type to know age too well but if she talks like that…

“Can you rewind a little for me?” They laugh a little, nothing about this is funny but they need to let something out. “How old are you?”

“What.” She immediately looks angry at them again. “That’s all you’re taking from this?!”

“It gives some context!” Guilt chews at them. Stars, if they were getting so upset by a blinding child they’ll never recover. “I don’t know a lot about you either, I assumed since you raised Bonnie that you…” They trail off, the implications here aren’t the best. “You referred to everyone as adults which implies that you’re not one.”

“I am an adult,” Nille says rather unconvincingly, just as tense as them and standing tall. “My birthday was a bit back.”

Stars, they were starting beef with a teenager. Thank the stars they caught themself before they said anything too stupid, their Stardust would never let them live this down.

“Happy belated birthday.” They earn a snort from her though she quickly recovers, glaring at them again. It’s a little less frightening, still nerve-wracking but her anger feels a little more like Bonnie’s now.

“Thanks, I guess.”

The Traveler doesn’t have a lot of memories from her age, they don’t think their Stardust does either but they vaguely remember it was infuriating, stuck between being old enough to be considered self-reliant but still young enough that strangers looked on with pity.

How old are they supposed to be again? They can’t tell how long ago that was anymore… They might be able to argue the case that they could be older than Odile! Not that they have a solid number to reference how long they were trapped.

“If you want honesty, I’m really not about to stay upset with a teenager for being a bit nosy.” The Traveler grins at her expression, feeling more teasing than forced for once. “And it sort of sounds like your issues are more with the others than me? I know I’m a bit unnerving sometimes so I won’t blame you for being on edge but I don’t think anything I could say would actually ease the fact you don’t know me.” She nods slightly, looking a little more guilty than frustrated.

No one talked about them.

They guess it makes sense, there isn’t a whole lot to talk about. The party barely knows them and their Stardust seems too anxious to give away things they don’t want revealed.

“I don’t like it.” She says bluntly. “I don’t like that you’ve walked up like you know everyone already and that everyone but Frin doesn’t seem to know crab about you. It’s weird!”

“It is weird.”

“It is!”

The Traveler nods, Nille stares at them like she’s expecting something, probably some sort of explanation but they watch her exasperation grow as they remain quiet.

“I- FIne, yeah, alright.” She throws her hands in the air, annoyance practically radiating from her but at least the anger seems to have faded. “You’ve been nice to Bonnie, I just gave the worst introduction ever and insulted you but you’re taking it like a champ. I’m just being crabby”

“Oh, my Stardust’s introduction was much worse, don’t stress about it.” They can’t help but laugh, a protective older sister was much preferable to their own walking corpse. “Actually, my introduction to your whole little party was me trying to stop Siffrin’s little breakdown so by comparison, you’ve probably had the best introduction yet!”

“That’s kinda sad.” Stars, they see the Bonnie in her.

“By the standards of this group!” They defend. “I’ve had plenty of other introductions that were nice!”

“Yeah but like, weren’t they the first people you met or something as a star?”

“Well-” As a star. “Yes but-”

“So then your first interaction with people is just basically whatever’s wrong with Frin.”

“That’s- That’s not entirely wrong.” A tense laugh bubbles up in their throat, their whole life has been whatever’s wrong with them.

“That might be why you’re kinda weird. I don’t know if you have good standards here, Loop.”

“That’s-!” Ah, wait. She’s smiling slightly. Their face starts to feel warm, they’re being bullied! This is just shameful now! “Well, this interaction has wounded me beyond measure. I’m glad to have met you, Pétronille.”

Wait, no, stars, that sounded too genuine. Their voice softened without meaning to, embarrassing! They were going for joking!!! They might actually die here. They don’t bother to excuse themself, the Traveler ignores her slight laugh as they flee like a coward back to their Stardust’s side.

Except Isabeau stands beside them so their cowardess has them step straight past them and into the wagon, finding their desired spot in the back that’s half tucked in with everyone’s travelling gear.

Wagon, that’s the word their Stardust was looking for. Too late now, always too late.

They breathe in, and out.

They’re fine. They had a moment, a harsh reminder of everything they gave up from Odile and a rising discomfort of how little they blend in with Nille. It’s fine though, that’s nothing new, it’s just a little harder to ignore right now. It’s understandably difficult not to think about what they’ve lost when it’s trying to hold a polite conversation with them but hey, they could be worse!

This is probably why they didn’t immediately seek out their old friends when they woke up in that field, they probably would have done something they’d really regret! They’ve had a whole year to relearn how to be a person and they’re still failing pretty bad, imagine how mortifying it would be if they stumbled up to these people only a week into being whoever they are now!

They’re fine, considering. They could be worse. They were worse to that poor stranger on the road-

Stop.

Another breath.

They focus on their gloves, they trace over the worn seams that go up their bicep. They might need to get a new pair soon, these weren’t really made for the hardships of travel and they think they have scrubbed them a bit too harshly while washing.

Jolis could imagine Isa making them something better, more durable but still long enough to hide their inhumanities. They’d never ask him to, they have no right but the thought is nice. They wonder if anything their Stardust is wearing has been made by him, they wonder what it feels like, to be covered head to toe with proof that they are loved.

They take off their hat and settle it on their lap. It still holds strong, it’s never frayed or torn on them, it’s lasted over a decade by now and still looks and feels the same as ever. It’s the same fabric as their cloak.

Proof of love. It’s not even theirs, theirs burnt up with everything else when they gave up.

Not that they care, whoever made it is just as gone as everything else.

“Hey, Loop.”

They can’t catch a blinding break.

Their Stardust joins them, sitting at their side and keeping them contained in their corner. A little safety barrier between them and the rest of the world.

“Nice hat.” Their Stardust teases and slides that little bit closer to them, his shoulder slightly presses to theirs.

“You’re not getting it back.” The Traveler states, pointedly putting it back on their head and tilting the brim down to block out the world as much as they can. They hope it makes it clear to the others they aren’t looking for any more conversations today, their Stardust promised them rest.

“Cut the Hattiude.” Ugh, they can practically feel their smug grin and the Traveler certainly hears Isabeau’s guffawing from the entrance of the wagon. Good to know he’s listening, Siffrin was probably checking for that. “I’ve gotten by fine without it for this long, you can keep it.”

“I don’t need your permission.” They snip a little without really meaning to, they’re not even angry it just slips out.

“I know, just…” Their Stardust leans a bit closer, voice lowered and too close. “It’s yours, Loop. Just yours.”

The Traveler says nothing, sinking further back where they sit. They didn’t need the assurance, they don’t need a stupid hat, if Siffrin had wanted it back they probably would have discarded it, something in them wants to throw it away still and stomp on it until those blinding stitches give.

They… Don’t do that, of course. It’s theirs, it’s useful to keep the sun off them, it’s their most reliable article of clothing. If they gave in to every urge that had to destroy something they wouldn’t have much.

It’s… It’s theirs, they didn’t need the assurance and something inside them lashes angrily from their Stardust having the nerve to even bring it up but it’s fine, it’s nice that this won’t be taken away from them yet.

Theirs.

They ignore their destructive urge and give in to a different one, leaning over so their head rests on Siffrin’s shoulder. They thankfully don’t get the chance to regret it because the brim of their hat is shoved in their Stardust’s face, causing him to sputter slightly and them to laugh and adjust their hat to only be minorly annoying in his space while still blocking out the sunlight for them.

The Traveler ignores it when the rest of Siffrin’s family joins in the wagon, they barely listen as he excuses them as not getting much sleep the previous night.

They try to rest, it’s too difficult to actually find any sleep near so many people but it’s nice, to fade into the background and listen to others speak.