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Something was wrong with his brother.
Ritsu had been acting..off, lately. If Shigeo had to guess a time estimate, he would probably trace the strange behavior back to about a month. Well, that's when he had first noticed it, anyway. But then again, he really wasn't the best at reading people, let alone his brother. So that meant that the behavior could have started way earlier.
Jittery, irritable, overcompensating.
Those were the words that best described his brother's behavior, lately. And it seemed a bit strange, considering that Ritsu was one of the calmest people he knew.
One of the calmest people he thought he knew.
No.
They were better. They had promised to each other that they wouldn't regress again. Which made it even worse that his brother was acting like this. Shigeo didn't want to pry, but..maybe Ritsu wanted him to. Maybe he wanted someone to ask what was wrong.
Maybe he didn't. Maybe he'd yell and tell Shigeo to go away.
Mob didn't care what Ritsu did, really. He just wished that his brother did..something. Anything. Because the silence and the nervous looks were starting to get to him too, and he wasn't sure how much longer he could give Ritsu space and pretend everything was okay.
Ritsu needed support, too.
Which was why he was trying his hardest to keep his spoon from melting into his soup, trying to psych himself up to utter anything.
They were sitting in the kitchen, and as Ritsu stood on the opposite side of the table, he lazily stirred his soup around, looking lost in thought.
Mom and dad weren't home. Date night, they said. Really, it was the perfect opportunity to speak up, to finally put this issue to rest. Which made it all the more confusing that he couldn't seem to unfreeze at all, that he was so nervous.
He was too lost in thought to notice that Ritsu's eyes were gazing at him. Once he did, they both looked away like two strangers accidentally making eye contact in the middle of a crowded train, and the silence overtaking the room was made all the more apparent.
Shigeo's heart slammed against his chest.
He tried to think of something.
His hands were getting sweaty.
Why was he so nervous?
“Nii-san, are you okay?”
Ah-
He got startled.
Slowly turning his head, he did his best to put on a polite smile.
“I'm fine, Ritsu. Um..”
Deep black eyes stared at him, waiting for an answer. His brother's natural charisma was something he would never understand, but would grow to envy. Still, after all these years, he got nervous when Ritsu spoke to him in that tone.
In the end, Shigeo got cold feet.
“I'm fine.”
Ritsu seemed deep in thought, for a second. His head turned in an odd angle, as his chin rested on the palm of his hand.
“Well, if you say so. But you know I'm always here if you want to talk.”
And with that, his brother resumed his meal, unassumingly picking up his spoon and placing it in his mouth. Shigeo just stared.
He didn't know what to do.
Why he was so lost.
They had made up, forgiven each other and promised to be better, but here they were acting just like before. If all this was for nothing, then what was the point?
He figured if he didn't speak now, there wasn't one.
“Are you okay, Ritsu?”
It seemed that had grabbed his brother's attention pretty well.
For a few moments, the air stood still, and the glimmer in Ritsu's eye seemed to flicker indecisively.
It seemed his brother didn't know what to do either, like Shigeo had caught him off guard.
He could feel a bead of sweat rolling down his face, despite the fact that the room was an average temperature.
“Yeah, what makes you think I'm not?
Perhaps the tone that his brother had meant to put out was friendly, even curious. But as it stood, the sentence had been delivered in an uncharacteristically deadpan way, one that didn't really match his brother's personality all too well.
Shigeo swallowed.
“Nothing, you just seem a bit..upset. Lately. So um..yeah.”
His sentence tapered off lamely.
Suddenly, he felt too exposed, being carefully examined under Ritsu's judging gaze. So far, his brother wasn't saying anything, almost like before, though now his expression looked more irritated, than uninterested.
“I'm fine, okay? Don't worry about me.”
Somehow, Shigeo wasn't convinced.
He thought back to that day.
That day they'd made their promise.
“Ritsu.. we're better-”
“I don't wanna talk about this, nii-san. Please just let it go.”
Fuck.
Wrong thing to say.
But..he couldn't help but worry. What if Ritsu slipped away from him again?
Worse, what if he went down the same path Shigeo did?
What if he bottled everything up until he couldn't keep it in anymore, until it burst and destroyed everything all over again.
He couldn't let Ritsu do that.
And since they were finally able to talk to each other (in theory), since Ritsu wasn't..afraid of him anymore, Shigeo would do anything he could to prevent history from repeating.
“Ritsu, I promise whatever it is I won't be mad. I just..are you angry at me? It’s fine if you are.”
Suddenly, the energy in the room shifted, as if a heavy, restricting blanket was placed over his chest. Caught off guard, Shigeo instinctively gripped the edge of the table in the palm of his hand.
“Okay- let me rephrase. I can't talk about this.”
Okay. Shigeo didn't want to pull out this card, but it looked like there was no other choice.
“It's not good to bottle it up. That's what I-”
“Oh my god, not everything is about you, Shigeo!”
A horrible screeching sound echoed throughout the room, and the next time he looked at his brother, Ritsu was on his feet, hands forming fists on the surface of the table.
In the distance, he thought he saw the pictures on the wall beginning to shake.
He had hurt Ritsu's feelings.
Hurt him.
“I-I’m sorry.”
Something flickered in his brother's eyes, at that moment. Something like a realization, maybe. Regardless of what it was, it wasn't long before the frames on the walls stopped shifting, and the fury in Ritsu's eyes simmered to a calm defeat.
Ritsu sat back down quietly, awkwardly.
“I'm sorry. I- I got carried away.”
He hated to see Ritsu like this.
“No, you're right. I..I made it about me again. I just.. I'm- I'm scared that-”
That you'll end up like me.
Those words went unsaid, but he was sure that Ritsu understood well enough.
After that, there was only silence. For several minutes, all Shigeo could do was awkwardly stare at his half empty bowl of soup, notice the patterns forming in the grainy wood of the table, feel its ridges shift under his fingertips as as he grazed it silently.
Outside, he could hear a bird chirping away, somewhere in the distance.
“Look, nii-san. I'm..I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings. But please, please trust me when I say that I can't talk about this. Not..”
with you.
“..right now.”
Okay.
Okay.
Shigeo let go.
He looked up, and gave his brother the best smile he could muster.
“I trust you, Ritsu. I'll be here if you want to talk.”
Ritsu smiled back.
And his heart clenched at the fact that he couldn't tell if his brother's smile was fake or genuine.
They both finished their food, and went back to their rooms.
-
Shigeo stared at his math problem.
Okay.
This was fine.
This made sense.
He had been staring at the same problem for fourty five minutes.
His face slammed against the surface of his wooden desk.
His thoughts were soon broken by the sound of knocking echoing throughout his otherwise quiet room. Shigeo quickly lifted his face off the desk, and brought a hand up to fix his messed up bangs.
“Come in.”
The door proceeded to open, revealing his little brother's slouching form. It looked sort of like Ritsu was trying to make himself smaller, be it subconsciously or not.
“Hey, I'm gonna make tea. Do you want some?”
Ritsu was too considerate.
“Oh. Sure, thanks.”
Despite their (barely qualifying) conversation ending, Ritsu seemed to linger by the door, hand clutching the handle in a hesitant manner. It seemed as if he was thinking about something. Shigeo decided not to speak.
“Um..can you stay here? When I'm done I want to come talk to you about something.”
Shigeo swallowed.
“Of course.”
With one last half baked smile, Ritsu was gone, followed by the sound of muffled footsteps becoming quieter and quieter. And just like that, Shigeo was left frozen.
They were actually gonna talk. The thought made him sick to his stomach, guiltily enough.
More so, the thought of saying the wrong thing. Of upsetting Ritsu.
Again.
But he supposed this had to be done.
It sort of felt like hours, the time that he was sitting there waiting for his brother. Any math had gone forgotten, by now. All he could focus on was the sound of the kettle screeching in the distance, waiting nervously for that anticipated ding to echo through the house.
That time came simultaneously too fast and too slow. Regardless of how Shigeo felt about it though, it was here. And soon enough, his door opened once more, and his brother walked into the room careful not to spill the two cups.
“Thank you.”
Ritsu handed Shigeo the first cup, a Christmas mug that had patterns lined along the edges of the rim. It was scalding hot to the touch, that was, until Shigeo grasped it by its equally Christmas themed handle.
Why a Christmas mug in the middle of April? Maybe that was a question that would remain unanswered.
He was so lost in thought, he didn't notice that Ritsu had sat on the beanbag placed near Shigeo's desk. He was gripping his own mug with two hands, looking a bit lost.
Shigeo decided to speak up.
“Is everything alright, Ritsu?”
He was met with a small, almost nonexistent frown. Ritsu kept staring at his cup.
“Um..I know I've been acting kind of..shitty, lately. I'm sorry.”
“I haven't noticed anything.”
Shigeo mentally facepalmed himself.
He guessed he had said something right though, because Ritsu had stopped looking at the contents of the cup and was looking at him, instead. A sort of amused expression glimmered in his eye.
“You're a really bad liar, nii-san. But..thank you.”
A few moments passed by, but they didn't seem as awkward as before.
“I just..okay. So.. I've been thinking about some stuff. Especially since um..since what happened when you.. y'know.”
Right.
He nodded swiftly. He wasn't entirely comfortable with talking about that day. At least, not yet.
“Well, since then, I've just had a lot more time to focus on myself. And.. I've been thinking about..several things.”
Ritsu was shaking.
Just a tiny bit, but enough for Shigeo to take notice. He kept facing down, messy fringe covering up whatever expression he was making at his tightly gripped mug.
He was shaking.
“And I just- I've been kinda scared I guess- cause I don't want you to think of me any differently.”
Shigeo felt frozen.
Unable to think of any way to comfort his brother.
Thus he opted to stay still, to do his best to listen.
“I think. I think that I like boys.”
Oh.
Oh.
“..Oh!”
Well, that was clear enough even for him to understand.
“Ritsu, please look at me.”
Hesitantly, he did. Ritsu's head raised slowly, revealing rose colored cheeks and glistening eyes.
Shigeo hated this. He hated that his brother looked so scared.
“You know I'm not angry at you. Please don't be upset.”
It seemed that was the straw that broke the camel's back. Before he knew it, shiny tears rolled down his brother's face, filled with the stress and the anger of having to hold something about yourself in.
Shigeo knew that feeling.
He knew it all too well.
“I'm sorry-”
There was a tremble in his brother's voice. It sort of reminded Shigeo of when they were young, of times filled with scraped knees, of tears and bandages and ice cream.
That was the Ritsu standing in front of him now.
Back then, there was only one thing that comforted his little brother.
Shigeo set his tea on the desk, and grabbed Ritsu's mug as well, putting it next to the other one. He only took a moment to hesitate before he wrapped Ritsu in his arms, placing them on his baby brother's back.
“I-I'm sor-rry-”
Shigeo let him cry. He didn't think any words would console Ritsu, anyway. At least, not right now.
He just needed support.
And Shigeo was more than happy to give it.
Their tea soon went cold, but neither of them cared all too much.