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One year. It’s been one full year, to the day. He could probably even tell you the minute he found out but he doesn’t want to think about that right now. It’s already too big knowing how many days have passed.
Derek is awake early, walking through this house he’s owned for two years, this house they bought together to raise their family in. It’s changed a lot since signing those papers, grown and stretched the same way he had. He realizes as he wanders through the silent hall and into the silent kitchen that he’s never the only one awake. That’s not his thing. He loves his sleep and he takes every minute he can. He’s normally the last one to crawl out of bed, sometimes out from beneath a pile of Jack and Hank and their books and toys – a ploy to get him to come to life, and he’ll resist until Hotch sets a mug of hot coffee on his nightstand.
But today he’s sad, and when his heart is squeezing the way it is right now, he can’t sleep. It’s not that early, just early for him. He brews the coffee (that’s something he hasn’t done in a long, long time) and takes his mug out onto the front porch, not the back. The backyard feels too lonely, too closed off. He wants to watch the neighborhood come to life around him. Lights flickering on, shadows moving slow and stiff like the walking dead behind curtains, the slow blink of porch lights and street lights dying with the sun. He rocks on the little porch swing he built for Savannah and listens to the creak of the chains, making a mental note of the way they squeal. WD-40 is on his weekend chore list.
Everyone has pumpkins on their porch, some carved and wilting, once square teeth or vampire points soft and curving inward. They’d gone from childish to elderly in the course of weeks, time sped up before his very eyes. It’s almost Halloween. He hasn’t even thought about costumes for the kids. Or for himself. Does he even want to mess with it? Maybe he’ll let Hotch take them out and he’ll stay behind and hand out candy to trick-or-treaters in his glasses, robe and slippers. Dress like his grandpa and call it a costume. He thinks Hotch and the boys will go for it. Hank is too young to care much, all he wants is the candy, but Jack might know it’s a farce. Jack is too wise for his own good.
A jet flies low overhead, the sound echoing in his ears. That’ll wake Hank up, no doubt. Probably Hotch too. He’s a light sleeper if he hasn’t taken a sleeping pill and he hasn’t had to do that in weeks. Jack is built like he is, he’ll sleep through Armageddon, but not the other two.
Selfishly, he hopes they stay in bed a little longer. He’d like to be alone with his thoughts.
Because it’s been a year. One whole year since the ink dried on his divorce, since he and Savannah severed all of their legal bonds. And he sort of lied to Hotch about that part...when they started seeing each other, it wasn’t exactly totally official. Of course it was in both he and Savannah’s eyes, but with being on difference continents things got a little messy and took longer than they’d expected. Nothing could ever really be cut and dry, even when you both agreed on everything.
He got it all, she got to leave. That was the deal. His lawyer said he was lucky but he didn’t think so. Not when she really did leave. When he dropped her off at the airport so she could jet off to some other continent and save lives.
He is fortunate, though. He is because he still loves her and she still loves him, and he’s got something good now too. Something better than good.
He doesn’t want to change it, that isn’t why he’s sad. He’s just...sad. Derek Morgan loved the idea of forever and finally gathered the courage, finally bought in, but forever ended up being a lot shorter than he’d anticipated. Hotch could relate, they’d had plenty of heart to hearts over the last year themselves about that gutted out, empty feeling. The “what now?” feeling. The broken and unworthy feeling of complete failure.
Savannah’s name pops up on his phone as he checks the time. Just a text. His heart squeezes in his chest.
“You up?”
“Yeah.”
She calls him immediately, doesn’t even wait a second before she’s hitting that call button. “Hey. I had a few minutes before my shift and I thought...I just wanted to hear your voice. Is that stupid?”
“Nah. I was feeling it too.”
“We didn’t fail, you know. Not even a little. I know that’s what you’re thinking. You’re sitting there happy as a clam with a person that wraps your soul in a warm blanket and you’re thinking if only I did better Savannah wouldn’t have chosen her job over me...but it’s not true.”
He sips his too hot coffee and winces at the taste. Too strong. He should leave the coffee to Hotch, the man never makes a mistake, never too weak or too strong. Always perfect. He sips the bitter coffee and watches some of his neighbors file out of their house, ready to begin their days. He offers a quick wave and smiles but it’s hollow.
“No?”
“Derek, you were the best husband I could ever ask for. Not a day goes by that I don’t wonder if I didn’t make the wrong choice, but I know I did the right thing. For both of us.”
“Then why does it still feel so bad?”
“Because there is a lot of love here. And that’s good, that’s so great for Hank. I’ll never stop loving you. This marriage didn’t end because of love.”
“I’d like to believe that. I would.” He’s heard that before. He’s heard Jessica say that about Hotch and Haley, and that made it hard to believe because that divorce had been so ugly. But it was true, at least for Hotch. He still loves her. Their hearts are parsed and sectioned off, they are grown men who will never be whole again but they do their best with the pieces they still have. They fit together somehow at the broken edges and over time those sharp bits are softening.
His voice is too loud on the quiet street, but so far no one is coming out to the porch to bother him, no one has emerged from his home yet. They will soon. He thinks about the baby shower that the BAU threw for them, about seeing Savannah round and smiling in that room, about not seeing Hotch there. He stayed away. It makes sense now, he supposes. Hotch protects his heart from pain by creating distance. He knew Derek was going to leave before Derek did.
“It’s the truth. I love you and I’m glad we’re not married. I’m glad you’re not tied to me all the way over there. I’m glad that you’re happy and that Hank has Hotch in his life...Derek, you won the whole lottery.”
“And you’re over in wherever-the-fuck alone.”
“Happy. Also happy, Derek. I’m living my dream. I wish my dream had been able to include you and Hank but I think we all ended up in exactly the best situations we could, and I’ll never be sad about marrying you or having Hank. You guys are the best thing that ever happened to me. I don’t think this job would be half as good if I didn’t have you both to anchor me in love. If I didn’t have Chicago to come home to.”
“It’s hard,” Derek whispers, not really intending for her to hear it but knowing she did.
“I know. I’m sure Hank doesn’t understand. But I also know that Hotch is...he’s stepping in where I can’t. Hank tells me all about him when I talk to him. They work on their numbers and letters and reading, he’s doing all of the things he didn’t do with Jack. Don’t think I can’t see this is his chance for redemption.”
Derek is trying not to cry but he can’t help it, her voice is slicing through him in the tenderest places and he wants nothing more than to hold her. “When will you be back?”
“Three weeks. I can’t wait to see all of you. I can’t wait to put my arms around your stupid neck and tell you to stop worrying so much.”
Hotch walks out on to the porch with a mug of coffee and the whole pot, ready to refill Derek’s empty cup. Derek doesn’t even remember drinking it all, so focused on crying and trying to hold it in for her sake. Hotch pours it in and sets it down on the step beside him. He sits silently beside the swing and watches the neighbors as they start making their way out of their houses, husband and wife and kid, over and over, cars backing up and driving off. It’s mesmerizing, the way everyone has somewhere to be at the same time and the neighborhood shakes to life and empties of it all in the same breath. He crosses his arms over his knees and rests his cheek there listening to Derek cry on the phone with Savannah. It’s hard for him to hear. He’s long since passed the questioning stages, he knows what this is and how it’s always going to look, the way it’s always going to burn and be raw, but when Derek cries it makes his entire body hurt. He’s never lost that gutted out feeling himself – he still carries a photo of Haley in his wallet, he gets it. But it’s worse somehow watching it happen to Derek.
He reaches up and squeezes Derek’s knee silently, without looking at him. He knows what today is, he’s a date person. He never forgets names or faces or important dates, especially when it’s going to be a hard one. He’s been here. And no matter how many days he’s mourned his own divorce, it never really gets easier knowing it happened. He’ll always wonder why he couldn’t be a better husband, why he couldn’t give her what she needed, what might have happened if he had. Would she be alive? Probably. He has to live with that.
“I’ve gotta go, Derek. Go hug your boyfriend and tell him how lucky you are that he showed up. That he walked through Hell and landed on your doorstep...don't take that for granted. Okay? Will you do that for me?”
Derek wipes his eyes and nods, his eyes flicking briefly toward Hotch. “Yeah. I’ll do that. You go uh...save a kid’s life or something huge. Okay. Make it count.”
“Every day, buddy. Every day. Love you.”
“I love you too. Always.”
Derek slides out of the swing and drapes himself over Hotch who makes every attempt to wrap his own arms around Derek. It’s a miracle but it fits, like everything else. They find a way. He doesn’t say anything, Derek doesn’t need him to say a word. He just needs him to be here.
“A year…” Derek whispers. “Damn.”
Hotch nods. He knows. He spent the day by himself in his apartment. He remembers talking to Jack on the phone, wondering if he knew and glad when it was apparent that he had no clue. To Jack it was just a day. He loved Haley more in that moment, not telling him.
“You wanna do something today?” Derek asks, his face damp and buried in Hotch’s neck. He’s not sure if he does or not. Maybe they’ll go get the kids some Halloween costumes or find some pumpkins to carve. Something festive. He’s not feeling it, but if he focuses on the kids he’ll make it through the day and into the next forever.
“Whatever you want. I’m game.”
“You’re game? Since when do you say things like that?”
“Since I started living with you I guess.”
Derek smiles at that. It’s unexpected and he can’t get over it. “You’re game. I like that.”